Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 34

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think between you and me i wanted to like this podcast but i'd give it zero stars if i could hi everyone um awkward thing so we just spent a little bit of time recording i'm so glad i read my first review i'm so glad it was just a little bit that's okay i forgot to hit record i um i'm not you we're doing like three episodes today and I'm not used to being the one to record because we started doing that once we started making videos. Like when we filmed it, yeah.

Yeah. So let's start this over. Welcome to Between You and Us. This is the episode where we get our content from your emails. You write in and send us reviews that you'd like us to read and we do. And it's so fun for us because we just click on them and we don't have to spend hours on QVC's website. Exactly. You do that for us. So we love it.

Yeah, you have to slog through all the bullshit to get gems like this one that I've already read aloud. So I had some practice and you had practice reacting to it. Let me pretend i've never heard about it okay acting okay let's see let's see how well you do here all right method acting here we go this is my first one this was sent in by marshall uh it's a five-star review i don't have the full amazon description but uh it is uh they are glow-in-the-dark fish stickers.

The most fun product. Yes. I believe that the Amazon title probably would have been 65 words long. Exactly. So probably best that I didn't have to read that one twice. So here's a five-star review. The title is, They Glow in the Dark, They're Fish. I'm an adult, but I bought these as cheap bathroom decor. You get an assortment of colors, so I put the blue-purple ones in my blue bathroom.

I wasn't super thrilled with them or anything, but they work just fine. They glow in the dark, and they have cute red googly eyes. I'm still on a quest to find the crummy rubber goldfish toy that I lost in a pile of leaves when I was seven. These aren't quite it, but they're cool enough. I'm sure they'd be great party favors or a companion for your child whilst raking leaves because these fish don't blend

into the dead leaves and you'd find it again. End of reveal. He's just carrying that trauma. It's so sad. It's so sad his never ending quest to find his fish. The poor fish,

that rubber goldfish. Honestly, the other day blaze and leona were on a walk and blaze said don't be mad this is new by the way i haven't heard this yet oh this part is new yeah i went on a totally different direction this time around last time i talked about this guy's therapist now we're on a different track we're talking about blaze and leona we're on a walk and i guess she he said don't be mad but we dropped her like giraffe teether toy and i couldn't find it and um of course i was not mad but he ordered one on amazon to be delivered but i would like the next day or something but i remember thinking thank god she's

only six months old because yeah i mean i remember being a kid and how important like my blankie was yeah you were using those teether toys until you were like 16 when mom threw that one away god he's such an asshole that's when we got in our first big fight was when mom threw away her teether toy and i being 14 was like i think it's about time that That's all I said. And you flew off the handle. That's why Blaze said don't be- And you bit me and you were like, you're my teething toy now. That's why Blaze texted me and said don't be mad because he knows how I react.

Anyway, sorry. Yes. No, that's a very- I'm glad that she doesn't care enough about that stuff right now. She doesn't care, she doesn't notice. But yeah, anyway, so clearly this has had some lasting psychological impact on this poor reviewer to the point where he's, but what I was saying right before you so rudely found out you were not recording is that, have you seen that TikToker who does the videos where she whispers and she's like, here's another installment of me rating the products in the guy I'm sleeping with's bathroom? Yes. Like while he's asleep or whatever.

And it's just silly. And of course, people go all sorts of directions and take it too seriously in the comments. But it's very funny. And my thought would be, can you imagine going into a bathroom of somebody you don't know very well and they have decor that are just stickers from amazon with red google red eyes red eyes red googly eyes i don't know i that's the thing is i don't have the product so i don't know what they look like this person's more trouble than i thought also decor i mean i i know i said this before we recorded but like this sounds like something i

would stick on my bunk bed as a kid we had stickers all over our bunk beds yeah and i feel like they started with i'm an adult but so they understand the general i know but i guess decor i'm thinking like are they like big or are they just teeny little stickers just sticking all over as oh man do you know what i mean like are they like wall decals like maybe that's why maybe they're wall that's what i thought oh i was picturing like just like little glow in the dark and i was like what an interesting i mean it's not much better i'm trying to find the product. Okay. Is this in? This might be in.

Excuse me. This is what Amazon titles were made for, by the way. Do you realize that? What? What you're doing right now. This is what Amazon titles were made for. Putting 80 keywords so that you would find the product. No, it's not this one.

Hmm. Hmm. Yeah, I don't know. It's tough. It's tough to find. Man, there are so many glow-in-the-dark-fish stickers. But yeah, so I don't know it's tough it's tough to man this there's so many glow-in-the-dark fish stickers but yeah so i don't know but i think i pictured more like bigger ones but maybe that's not right like like meant for decor kind of like wall decals the problem with that is that that means their eyes are also bigger proportionally and their red eyes aren't are also bigger yeah which

is alarming in its own way. That is quite alarming. Anyway, I was just curious. So that's good to know. My turn? Yes. This is an email from Morgan Sheher, who, by the way, wrote, Hi, Christine and Alex, a.k.a. the goddess of laughter and the god of smiles.

Wow. Oh, my. I love it. it what a title you make people laugh i only make them smile or maybe it's what we do i smile i don't laugh you i smile only and i just cackle i don't know you do cackle a lot blaze calls leona the cackle queen fun fact okay so this this is of a laptop bag a laptop tote bag i'll read you the amazon title please crozer laptop tote bag 15.6 inches stylus shoulder bag water repellent large travel bag with rfid pockets for work business school college women rose pattern so here it is oh Oh, nice. Okay. It's just kind of a little rose covered laptop bag. And I have a five star review. I'm going to call them Shrenda because the name isn't all that different. Okay.

It's a verified purchase. And the title is more spacious for things you cannot put in your everyday purse. I like this bag. It's roomy for things that I cannot put inside my purse, like Bible, tambourine, water bottle, etc. Someone's having a wild weekend. Man, Sharanda, where are you going? Sharanda, where are you going with that Bible and tambourine?

God, what a time. Because I want to be there. I just picture her as, like, the emergency responder to, like, paranormal crises where she gets a call and she's like, oh, in the middle of the night. She's like, honey, I've got to go do, you know, some sort of blessing or exorcism. Like, go bag? Go bag. She has, like, her tambourine, her Bible. She jumps in the car.

She's like, this Amazon purchase came so in handy. I't know why but that's just i just picture she's like making it work you know reminds me of mr friedman oh my god oh no not mark mark no no not mark yeah he's followed us through life more than we expected we don't ever let him go and i think it's definitely our problem like i'm sure he doesn't know he's followed us i actually yeah i hope not i do know he does not know that he's followed us around um so i guess one could say we've followed him around yes i think that's more accurate by this point it's it's become the the tables have eventually turned yeah it was originally wow oh my gosh he's at this church that our dad dragged us to that we haven't been to before oh no and then now we just bring

him up for no reason even though we haven't seen him or had anything to do with him for many years yeah so anyway your turn um this next email is from Jake. He him who says my friend and Elizabeth, my friend Elizabeth and I found this Amazon listing for frankincense. Can you imagine you just said my friend and Elizabeth? Who the hell am I then? Hang on a second. Or maybe Elizabeth's just famous and like we should know who Elizabeth is. Like, oh, my friend.

Oh, and Elizabeth, should know who Elizabeth is like oh my friend oh and Elizabeth you know Elizabeth anyway so here is this Amazon listing of Govinda frankincense natural resin pea size one pound and this is somewhat relevant to a recent episode because here is the description pure incense without any fillers sticks or anything else to get in the way of the scent one pound of pure natural frankincense resin origin ethiopia one pound bulk bag smells like church oh no how did i not see where this is yeah and you had that same comment about the death candle that it smells like a cursed church cursed church uh well that's what this description says and then here is a one-star review of this incense um okay i'm not gonna read the title because it's a little bit of a spoiler come on uh trying to this this reviewer is trying to spoil the funny part of the review

just in the title here Here's a one star. Don't give the joke away in the title. Come on. This product was horrible and will not be buying it again. If you get what you pay for was an incense, this would be it. It doesn't smell like church. It smells like hell. As in, what the hell is that?

I have real frankincense and this definitely isn't real. Save your sense of smell and money. Do not buy this. End of review. Save your frankincense of smell. Oh, that was good. As in, what the hell? As in, what the hell?

This has very good ratings though overall. 4,200 reviews. Is this on Amazon? Yeah, a pound of bulk frankincense. Where is this person finding 4,200 pound of bulk frankincense where is this person finding 4200 pounds of bulk frankincense think about that ethiopia i told you okay that is what a random review these reviews are all over the place too and i know frankincense frankincense also how fitting that it smells like hell i mean it really does remind me that damn candle it smells like church and then you're

like it smells like hell i mean kind of the same scenario oh man well thank you jake and it says ps elizabeth was the one who introduced me to your podcast so go ahead and shout her out as well shout out elizabeth thank you for introducing yeah just in case you didn't know this is me telling you um thank you so this is from carla she her who says hello she furs i don't know if that was on purpose or not um this was actually a halls of fame email but it came after we recorded so apparently i just plopped it in the folder. Good. And this is a review of the Australian Stockman's Hall of Fame and Outback Heritage Center. Of course.

Obviously. Here's a one star review by Marina. Oh, and there's an owner response. Okay. Terrible. The hot chocolate was barely warm. Took it back to see them make it with chocolate flavoring. The type you put on ice cream.

The pie had to go back. No heat at all. And the scones were very doughy. Not a good experience. Also, the small rocks in the car park. How to damage your car on one easy lesson. I have to prove you. You've got the how to damage your car book for dummiesmies and it's just this address like just drive there it's like you don't even need to pay to go in because it's just the car park

here's the response from owner hi marina our apologies about your hot chocolate scones and rock experience rock experience we appreciate all feedback and we'll address your concerns annette end of response i love how they're like we'll address them and then like but there's no more details it's just yeah we hear you which sometimes is all these reviewers deserve is or actually they deserve less than that but um yeah yeah I feel like it's fair. I mean, this one is fair. Yes.

I feel like Annette's going to have like the weekly staff meeting with like what the two employees. I mean, I don't know how many employees are at the Stockman's Hall of Fame Outback Heritage Center, but probably not like more than a handful and have the staff meeting and be like things to address. Chocolate scones, rocks. Like, what are you gonna do i mean first of all hot chocolate made with the syrup is like better than the powder stuff in my i mean if

you're buying yeah hot chocolate that's weird at a random place what do you think is you'd expect it to be the powdered packets yeah i don't know what they think they're gonna like melt chocolate in a cauldron and then scones are doughy, whatever. And then the rocks, I think that probably can't be repaired anytime soon. And I have a feeling they didn't really cause that much damage. I think these people who probably work there and drive there every day, I don't know. They probably know what happens after. I think after a few flat tires they would have been

addressed if it were exactly if it were really a problem yeah so anyway thank you carla um my next one's from ellie who says um i'm sure the divine comedy won't fit into one of your upcoming episodes but this review is too perfect for your podcast they're becoming pretty damn long yeah right i'm not gonna lie it might and we get we get fucking weird um so yeah so this is we talk about the bible and other historical literature a lot exactly so this is a review of the divine comedy comedy by uh dante allegory and are you familiar with the phrase or the term self-insert? It's when you're writing and specifically, I mean, it's referenced in here, but so by context, but I'll tell you it so it's easier to understand.

It's for like fan fiction. If you're writing yourself into the fan fiction. Oh boy. So that's what a self-insert is. So Dante did that. Well, you'll find out what this reviewer has to say about three stars. Oh no. Good read. But are we willing to call this the first self-insert? that well you'll find out what this reviewer has to say about three stars oh no good read but are

we willing to call this the first self insert hear me out it's 1472 you're a devout christian and you set to the idea of hell and writing of it what do you do you write up a really dedicated piece of fanfic about how dante your favorite accepted you into his squad and you had a great time together as you hung out with him and all his buddies. You're all like, my fave Dante, who's like super cool, was there and we were the bestest of friends as we went through hell. In closing, when a 13 year old girl writes self-insert fanfic to My Little Pony or something, she's super cringey. But when Dante Alighieri writes self-insert fanfic, it redefines the way we look at Christianity

and is a classic, the double standard. End of review. Oh my god. So I have never read it. Me neither. Okay. But yes. I'm assuming he, I did actually know that.

Now you know, yes. I sort of did know that. Yeah, but I don't know any details. But wow, I mean, yeah, I guess that opens the floor to a lot of quote-unquote online literature kind of redefining the way we see Christianity in the world. Yeah. I mean, it's like a majorly influential. And so y'all keep keep it up with those self keep that tumblr going you never know you could be the next dante yeah uh your favorite because what if the afterlife is really just my little being in the my little pony world

and it very well could be it really could be I think that's just as likely as Dante's description coming true. Okay, cool. Anyway, this is a review of a perfume. This was sent in by Emma, who says, Okay, hey, shotties, my name is... Jesus Christ. Good start. I love this already.

Okay. M, e-money, e-mazing grace, et cetera. Was this like, did you write this, but you like 20 years ago? This is my self-insert fanfic. It sounds like, yeah, it sounds like something you would say. I'm pretending it's M. I'm writing fanfic about M, the Schultz, you know. More?

Come on. So, e-money goes by they, she pronouns and said i was scrolling my for you page on tiktok and found out about pheromone perfume oh dear yeah so they said here's a sampler from one i found on amazon it's called pure instinct roll on the original pheromone infused essential oil perfume cologne unisex for men and women, TSA ready. And this is by a reviewer named Matthew Morris is hot. Oh, dear God. And it's a verified...

Is this also you from 10 years ago or whatever? It's me from two months ago. It's a one-star review verified purchase and the title is free drink but smells like skunk pee. Shit. That's graphic that's wow the day i got this i was super excited i was thrilled to sneakily attract more men i opened the bottle with excitement my dude told me he had something important to tell me that day i was ready to bust this perfume out and seduce him i rolled it on my wrists and my neck it took a bit to get the product out, but at last it came out. In the bottle, it smelled like Jolly Ranchers. It was very sweet. That's how it smelt on me for a bit. I enjoyed it at first. Then my dude came to get me. He insisted that he take me to Sonic, so I agreed. Upon arrival,

he ordered me a cherry limeade. All was good. Then out of the blue, I caught a whiff of my scent. It smelled like straight trees, like I had rolled around in the forest and had pine all over. I can't tell if all the weed I had been smoking had made my natural scent turn to trees. It was disgusting. I smelled musty. Then my dude looked me dead in the eyes and told me he was actually into my roommate. I was horrified. So basically with this instinct pheromone perfume you will smell like skunk but at least you'll get a free sonic drink you might lose your man but it's okay the drink was worth it true story wish it wasn't though wow end of review that is that is descriptive

though um ouch also what do you expect when you see the word pheromone though i like for me when i think pheromone it's not like it's not a positive scent yeah it's like yeah it's it's it's not yeah it's something carnal yikes okay like skunk like skunk something carnal like skunk pee uh also i just love that he took her to Sonic to break up with her. Why? Fucking Sonic. Why? I don't know. Oh, it's sad.

That was a brutal one. Anyway, your turn. My next one is from Tegan Sheher. So I'm going to read Tegan's story first and then read a relevant review. Great. So here we go. My husband has been ordering a special brand of tea called Zest Tea that contains extra caffeine, since I thankfully managed to convince him to stop drinking five-hour energy regularly.

Every order comes with a few individually wrapped sample tea bags of different flavors. As I was heading out to work one day i grabbed one of them because i felt i might need a pick-me-up i got to work opened the pack to make my tea and discovered that instead of a tea bag the pack contained a single condom and a note telling me to quote stay zesty stop it naturally i immediately told my co-workers had a good laugh and one of them started searching to see whether this has happened to anyone else and indeed uh here is this review so what is happening okay here's a review one star review titled condom in my tea oh my which is a very bad stuff like my god don't worry it's in its packaging there's a a picture. This is so much worse.

This sample package was going great and was delicious. The pomegranate mojito was energizing. The super berry Samba exotic, the spicy masala chai had a nice mixture of cinnamon and spice. My favorite was the blue lady, a derivative of Earl gray. So when I woke up and opened a bag, I was shocked to find a condom inside

how a condom got into the packaging of tea is something i do not want to know but finding such a thing in my tea is not something that makes me likely to come back end of review and sure enough there's the photo um and it's a what can i see well here's a photo that Tegan sent. And the same brand of condom was in the reviewers. The fact that it says, stay zesty. And this little note that says, stay zesty. I mean, this must just be part of their packaging, right? There's no way this was intentional. You don't think?

No. How could this happen? It must, like, clearly it's an issue that happened. Like, there's, I kind of doubt it, right? I feel like this would be like a thing they do. Like. Well, here's actually, no, there is an answer, actually. Oh.

Oh. I don't know how I missed this because I read this tweet. So there was a tweet that referenced it as well. And I read the tweet and I, for some reason, did not read the image that it was accompanied with. So this person on Twitter, Sh shana must have emailed them because uh they got this response hi shana thanks for taking the time to reach out about this some of our employees are trolls the pandemic is probably getting to them we're sending you a full mini sampler pack so you can try more of our flavors stay safe and zesty um i assume this is safe was pandemic related but i like to

think it was like condom related i thought it was like but also while we're at it you know why not um i'll dinner i really thought oh that just must be part of their must be a prank that's oh i thought it was like their mission like Like also we want to eliminate STIs. Yeah. Yeah. While you're drinking a single condom. I was thinking like, Oh,

extra caffeinated tea. Maybe they're like trying to be like edgy. Yeah. Yeah. But well, here's Shana respond. It like tweeted that image. It was a screenshot of the email.

And this is what Shana had to say. Shana was not having it. Can you believe the unprofessionalism of customer support at Zest Tea after I complain about finding a condom in the tea wrapper in front of my son in the order I placed? And then they offer to send me a mini sampler pack? I asked for a refund. End of tweet. Oh my god, get over it. So yeah, Shayna is not, I don't know.

I love, I don't love it, but like when people are like in front of my child listen condom zesty's trying to teach to help you have the talk about the birds and the bees like if it's not the right i mean okay i'm not a parent i'm not i shouldn't your son is 17 like you know it's it's about time okay um wow yeah so what a wild hey free condom but i just love that like the employees are trolls and are doing this and like this poor person is like i'm trying to figure out i'm trying to get to the bottom of this but there's a staff shortage and for some reason this is what they're doing it's funny how people like got so mad which i'm like yeah if you i don't know if you're not expecting a condom also like it could be really i don't know. If you're not expecting a condom. Also, like, it could be really, I don't know. Like, if someone like you opens like, why is there a condom here?

Like a different brand of condom. Like it could lead to unintended consequences. Meaning what? I don't know. You think that you're like spouse. Well, that's what I was thinking at first when that email, when you were reading the email. I was like, oh, gosh, did they think like my husband's hiding condoms in the tea bags? The way it was presented, it seems that it was in a sealed thing though.

Right, right, right, right, right. Which is better. But yeah, I mean, if you like stumble on that, you might have concerns. So it could have unintended negative consequences. And to be clear also, folks, like, yeah, they are in a sealed packaging. It's not like loose. A loose condom. Yes.

No, it's a unused condom yes no it's it's a it's a unused condom thank god still in its i assume unless they resealed it after i'm sure that's not the case unless they're very very savvy troll they're quite pranks quite the pranksters but you'll get a free mini sampler out of it um okay so is this my last one that was my last one okay so i'll end on a five star this was sent in by um i'm gonna oh here we go this was sent in by sailor she they he who called us she for cuties which i love and says i found an interesting five star review of something that helps fold your clothes okay and i feel like i need this i'm not not good at folding. I don't like it. Is it the thing they use in retail

where you lay it down flat, the plastic thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Box legend. Right, yes. So if you've worked in like a retail shop, you've probably seen these things. It's like a plastic board

that helps you kind of make sure all of your clothes are being folded in the right dimensions, etc. Did you see that TikTok? Sorry, we're always quoting, talking about TikTok. It's embarrassing, isnok it is uh the tiktok where you they have these things you can install into your walls and throw your clothes and it's a vacuum and you throw your clothes in there and they go through a tube it's like a laundry chute yeah but it's like vacuum powered and you just it sucks your clothes

in and then drops them in your laundry room or wherever like you can have it if you have like a top loading washer you can have it come out of the ceiling into the washer um and it does jeans too because we were like oh it's gonna get clogged by jeans and they were like nope look at this so it's just always on no you turn i i think that's what i was curious about but no i think you can you just turn it on and then start would be in for an adventure literally every day every day multiple times a day we'd be unlocking the basement door let him back in every few minutes um that is wild yeah and i'm like we used to have laundry shoots growing up i hate carrying my laundry downstairs.

First world problems. I know. Why don't you install a vacuum into your wall? It's very much one of those. I can't even read the comments on those because it's like, oh, we've got to the point in society where we need a vacuum in our wall. People like to, I don't know, make a big deal out of really silly things. Like ruin the party. Like we're having a big party about this laundry shoot and you're ruining it all right this is a five-star review by dean and the title is omg box legend where have you been my whole life this is a verified purchase color royal blue okay

i hate folding clothes nay i just suck at it that's probably me too i know i'm like well if i were good at it i wouldn't be that big of a chore. The first 10. Do every shirt three times. The first 10 words. It's like so much reflection and like growth, personal growth happening. But as one is apt to do, I've adapted over the years. I'm a guy.

I wear t-shirts. I have two kinds, short sleeve and long sleeve. I've learned to fold them in such a way that I can see enough of what's on them to make choosing the right 80s band shirt quick and easy in the morning. That's not the problem. The real problem is my wife. Well, not her. It's her clothes. She doesn't have shirts. She has tops. Some are long sleeve. Some are short sleeve. Some have no sleeves. Some have these things that I think are sleeves, but they're too small to really qualify. She has some tops that connect to bottoms. I think they are summer dresses.

Some are made of this space-age stretchy material that turns what looks like an infant-sized shirt into something wearable by an adult. It's confusing. I don't know what to fold under, how much, how often. Bifold? Trifold? When I fold her clothes, it looks like a mismatched clearance rack pile of random household items. Not anymore. Enter the box legend, or as I call it, the top hero. Careful, boys. It's not that kind of party. Everything she owns goes into the box legend. When I'm done, her pile of clothes looks like display table at Shea Elegant Lady. Whoa.

Look at that pic. Everything is the same size. I'm never folding clothes like I'm an extra in the opening sequence of 2001 A Space Odyssey ever again. Thanks, box legend. That's cool. End of review. Because, yeah, that's a struggle. Yes.

For me, I literally just have pants t-shirts long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts oh alexander and underwear and socks oh yes it is a whole new world it's yeah and when you're folding tank tops versus sweaters versus three quarters three quarter sleeves yeah or things that might not qualify as sleeves or have no sleeves yeah wow so anyway uh i think that's hilarious because that was so relatable another incident where i might actually make a purchase based on an email we got because that looks very handy to me yeah we're also buying crocs oh right i did i did not you already ordered them not crocs i accidentally ordered crops no

crops oh no if you recall oh yeah is that why there's like a farmer out front like plotting like making a plot of land right in your yard that you don't have yet he's he's digging he yeah he jackhammered some concrete and put in a corn one it was just one stalk of corn you put in a corn amazing um i was looking at these croc slippers though yeah cozy that's the one i think i want because i don't have any like slippers to just wear around the house yeah i just wear socks yeah these fur lined ones like the faux fur line ones i'm into it like like sherpa soft ones yeah wow um anyway well thanks for listening to between you and us oh yeah we're about to also do a bonus

episode and we just released an episode the other day also yeah so join us there and there there and there join us everywhere patreon.com slash beach to sandy uh talk to you soon bye Bye.