Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 35

Episode Date: April 30, 2022

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My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think.

Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to our monthly special, Between You and Us, where we read reviews that you send in to us. BechuZandy at gmail.com yes zandy happy april happy april what would you like to do would you like to go first i'll go first great um because we just recorded our bonus episode right uh for patrons uh patreon.com beach to sandy uh we did an easter theme uh it was uh for some a little heavy-handed for others a little soft-handed i would light-handed describe it as pretty grim and pretty much uh about the crucifixion a lot

like every pro shop and bass pro shops well obviously i mean those kind of venn diagram is a circle with those two uh so anyway so if you are interested in what i just said which you're probably not uh you can check out our patreon and give us a two dollars a month and you can listen to that and we'll open your world to this uh lovely theme so anyway i went first on that one so you can go first on this one. Thank you so much. You're so welcome. And in that one, I mentioned, so you brought up Christianity and sci-fi.

I did. And I said that I have something similar for Between You and Us. And I'm going to read that now. Right. Okay. So this is a review sent in by Erin Sheher, who saw this as an ad on Facebook, but didn't scroll past it because of the wild title. And it's a book. And here is the title of the book.

The UFO That Took Jesus. The Truth About Who Christ Was. What? By Adrienne Jaffrey. What? What, what, what, what, what, what? So that's all I have about the book itself, but I do have a review, which might tell you some things, I guess, about the book.

I need something. I need something. So give me something. Here's a one-star review. This is by Jason. Hello, the title, this is a title review. Hello, Luciferian Deception number 8022 and so on. So implying that this is the 8022nd Luciferian Deception.

Is this like a QAnon thing? I think it says Lucifer. I don't know. Oh, okay. Just like the devil. Sure. Works in mysterious ways, maybe. So mysterious.

But also it could be q anon who the hell guess what what not gonna trick jason no way jason here listen listen to how jason feels about the devil okay first off total bull honky straight out of the pits of hell from the twisted brain of the forked tongues king of lies himself the apostle paul himself warned us earnestly that This is a quote. Indeed, even if we or an angel from heaven preach a gospel to you, contrary to that which we preach to you, let them be accursed. Galatians 1.8 Also, do you really think God would have allowed this so-called revelation about his son to have been kept hidden for 2,000 years?

What, some random lady just uncovers the real nature of Jesus just now? She exceeds the word of God plainly spoken and excels the prophets and church elders of old and contemporary both Catholic and Protestant? Forget about it! Bull honky. Ignore this and repent. Turn to the gospel of Jesus Christ, crucified for deliverance from your sins. You won't regret it. Trust me.

You're talking to the king of skeptics and chief of all sinners, like Paul before me. God bless you all. Read the Bible. Put that sci-fi goofiness back on your kid's bookshelf. End of review. Whoa. That was a lot, huh? That was quite the start to our episode.

That was a lot it was like quite the start to our episode that was a ride yeah i really want to read this book and as i was reading this review i had a thought did you because i had zero my brain went dead like i i know we already have some listeners who are you know different varying levels of religious um so you're gonna say like varying levels of christ. You're going to say varying levels of Christianity in Scientology where you have to pay to advance to the next level. I was like, what have people been telling you? We should start that. Get some money out of it.

That's what our Patreon is. What if we read something? True. There's tears. It's a whole racket. We preach about the crucifixion. You give us the most money, we'll put you on a boat. We talk about, we'll take you to Bass Pro Shops.

Yep. Anyway. It's going to be great. What if I read something like this and someone thought, you know what? Maybe this religion stuff is pretty cool. And then like gets into it. Like what if we turn people to God? Wait, you and I?

Yeah. Like by reading these reviews. I'm just, because I was reading this and reading someone else preaching. And this person, this reviewer, the purpose here, I assume, is to turn people away from this book and towards God to read the Bible. Right. So I'm curious if maybe I am God's messenger. I see. Inadvertently.

I feel like God works in mysterious ways. I've heard from Paul that sometimes an ain't even an angel of light will try and preach to me and I have to cast him out. And I feel like I'm getting that compulsion now to cast you out. Like Paul, the apostle. Like Paul, the apostle before me or whatever he said. This is Jason who wrote the review. Paul is the apostle. Talking about Paul told us us oh i see i see blah blah you know galatians yeah um galatians told me that sometimes a being of light will appear and preach and that's

me that's what you're saying i feel like maybe this is what i'm supposed to be doing is like casting you away got it because you're a luciferian 8896 um anyway i that was a really uh a doozy um full of bull honky in my opinion it's very not self-aware um saying like some random lady i mean like you can boil down anything i'm not saying that what this quote-unquote random lady wrote is accurate or real. But you could say that about the fucking Bible. These random people over the years who wrote and edited the Bible and translated it. Like, you could boil it down to that so easily.

Like, this person's, like, Jason's religion to that. So it's just so funny that he's like using that against a random book on amazon also like how did he come across this fucking book probably facebook ask aaron true how did aaron that's true i don't know but um i do wonder because now i'm just thinking well what does this random guy have anything to do with me and my you know what i mean like why am i supposed to believe this random guy named jason what if he's the being of light? I'm really stuck on this being of light. There's too many beings of light in this. I don't love it, and it really stuck with me.

I think I'm probably taking the wrong thing from his message. But yeah, that was a heavy-handed review for something that I assume is not a real threat to Christians everywhere. I don't think so. As far as, I i mean no offense to the author i'm sure this is a lovely book but i don't feel like this is like turning the masses away from god if it did that'd be pretty fucking impressive if someone read this and thought

wow or if more than if a lot of people like i i feel like Jason is expending like his energy in the wrong place. Does that make sense? Like, okay, maybe one or two people read that and were like, oh, wow, what a cool theory. Yeah, it's got 41 reviews on Amazon. It's not like thousands of people reading this. He's like, repent. I'm like, there's maybe other people you should be chatting to. Yeah.

Wow. Imagine writing a book and being called the devil for it being called like literally a luciferian like messenger with a fork tongue i kind of we should write a book i'm gonna say i kind of want that hang on a second i kind of want that um this was sent in by moose we're gonna go like in a different more secular direction and discuss mexican restaurants in san antonio texas uh so moose sent these in and i'm very impressed because moose sent in like three winners just like back to back oh and was just like oh i decided my friend and i decided to look up some reviews for fun and I was like wow you're good at this moose. Best Western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze and it felt a little like Good night, kid.

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It's a 24-7 cafe and bakery. One Star Review by Bill. It has been 28 years since I got food poisoning on my wedding day here. I still will not hoe back and eat here ever. Got to spend my wedding night saying don't touch me, don't breathe on me, etc. Apparently I'll never forget or forgive. End of review. Oh no, apparently is right.

How many years ago? 28. 28 years ago? I love how, I'm glad you included the misspelling, the hoe. I will not hoe back here after 28 years you you couldn't even get that word go correct yeah sad uh maybe calling himself a hoe for getting married or something maybe yeah just hoeing around uh so moose said um we have a few below to share including a multi-decades old grudge that was written by someone who likely just discovered that they could leave a review for a restaurant. That must be it. They're like, I can do what now?

That has to explain it. And they probably only like they went straight there. It's just been mulling in their mind for almost three decades. They finally got to put a pen on paper, so to speak. So that's the first one back to you okay um this is from carla who uh sent in well this is the subject is book reviews part two uh i didn't look for part one so you went straight to the sequel i went straight to part two um but before i read this i do want to shout out a tiktok account i don't know if you've seen these christina i don't know if i've sent this to you um but the account is fowlerville library uh all

together f-o-w-l-e-r-v-i-l-l-e library um and they have these videos uh where they read one-star reviews of books back and forth uh and you're meant to guess what the review is about no way so it's all over my head like it's it is so fun and it's a lot of the reviews are like very not necessarily funny but some of them are like well thought out and people in the comments are like oh i know what this is for and i'm like what you're like yeah me too who are these people book talk i'm in there but i don't read enough and don't know enough so it's really entertaining i just save them all to a folder and then pretend like i'm gonna go back and actually read all of the books i know oh my god

me too okay uh so yeah so it's a library in fallerville michigan okay uh but yeah so they do that so i just want to shout them out because i think it's so much fun you should check those out uh completely separate from that is a review now uh one star review this is of little women okay by mary the book fails to convey just how little these women are i mean are we talking scary little there's just no way to know end of review but isn't that the fun of it you can kind of make it if you are feeling a little stephen king like i want some thriller action the author's leaving it up to you these are little green women instead of little green men i okay i so joke reviews like that every once in a while i'll see one that i'm like you know what they actually this one got me and that one got me i do sort of feel too like i think that's a didn't that happen on friends when

joey read it and he was like how little are they or something maybe i feel like that that was a joke on there too but i i'm sure it's been a joke always found that quite funny but for some reason that one got me if it fails to convey just how little they are oh gosh okay so this is a review also sent in by moose and their friend this is of la fonda on maine and it's a one-star review by jeremiah is this a wait were these are these both mexican restaurants sorry they're all mexican restaurants in san antonio okay so So Moose and their friend decided to look up some like made their own theme. They're encroaching

a little too close. Yeah. We might need to send a cease and desist. Yeah. Another one. I know. How close are you to getting that law degree online? Because I need you to start sending

these out. my law school actually shut down i didn't get my money back so that's why we need more patrons and that's why we're starting this new religion yes i see i'm sorry it took me a little bit to put the pieces together okay i'll hit record okay we're back so this is a one-star view by jeremiah of la fonda on main this place should be called La Fondle Your Wallet. I'd go. If some place near me opened, I'd be like, drop everything. I don't know what it is, but I'm going in blind.

Drop everything but your wallet. They want that, apparently, from me. This place should be called La Fondle Your Wallet. Who the hell charges $8 for cheese? The food was mediocre and shouldn't have been as overpriced as it was. Get some real Mexican cooks in there. Too many white hipsters who don't know how to season water, says Jeremiah. Sorry, that was just me throwing that little this says jeremiah

i'm saying says jeremiah okay about seasoning water is that it i'm sorry i'm still caught up i know what you were doing there like yeah jeremiah sounds like he knows what he's like find some mexican cooks yeah they don't know how to season water you know that old saying is that is that an actual saying i don't think so maybe i don't know because i feel like seasoning water is not easy like is that an easy is that i feel like you just put lemon in it uh i don't know i don't i don't think i think that that was supposed to be like hyperbole yeah but they're saying it's like an insult like oh he doesn't even know how to season water right but what who seasons water no one knows that because it's like an insult. Like, oh, he doesn't even know how to season water correctly.

But what? Who seasons water? No one knows that. We just are on a bouillon cube. Exactly. It's stupid to say that. It's just so stupid. Like, maybe season... I don't know.

There's so many other things. Not that I'm clever enough. I can't. Like, okay. It started off so strong with La Fondle Your Wallet. So this... And the seasoning was such a letdown for me yeah I feel like I started so much more strong well I have a feeling it's not gonna get much better

because all it says is the redeeming quality was the cheesecake definitely worth the price everything else is unnecessarily expensive waitress was lovely but all of the positives were overshadowed by the expenses end of of review. Really boring ending there. Kind of trailed off, you know. It's not anyone's fault that you spent $8 on cheese. I don't even know what that means. $8 on cheese. Did they give you a block of cheese? Like, how does that possibly...

I don't think adding cheese was an extra $8. So what the hell are you talking about? I mean, unless it... Well, maybe they ordered like eight burritos and added extra cheese to all of them then that might be eight dollars yeah okay i could see like multiple dishes having cheese as an extra i have my doubts that it was i mean but then again i don't know maybe it really is just that expensive cheese you know maybe maybe maybe maybe okay my next one i'm on their menu oh you're oh you're looking up okay important so the flan is eight dollars and if they're really charging uh the

same for flan and extra cheese like i feel like that's not maybe this person doesn't know what flan is and thinks it's just cheese sort of flanan and ooh. And they were like, this cheesecake is good. See? Okay, now we're talking. Anyway, I don't know how much cheese is. It doesn't say. I mean, I do. It's $8, but.

Yeah, you were just told. My next one is from Kayla, who says pronouns are she, fur. Fun. Fun. It never fails to be fun for me. But i'm also kind of self-centered in that way so yeah very she said if you read this please use my name so i can wildly fangirl so loud i'll have to rewind about eight times to actually get through the shock and excitement okay i'm not

gonna lie when i first read that paragraph i was like i hope this review is good because i do want to be able to say yeah you know i saw this email come in actually and i meant to go back and look at it i never did well i got it okay so it's so apparently that's what gets both of our attention i mean for whatever reason so she said that she's recently decided to become a coffee snob oh what a fun decision yes i think that's a fun one but it's not a huge fan of hot coffee same so she's trying to like it's okay i'll just read this all because she wants and probably deserves validation she said i'm not a huge fan of hot coffee i have to load it with cream and sugar and i don't like the way it makes my mouth feel afterwards and if you don't know what i'm talking about you're lying

uh chalky question mark so my next option is iced coffee and it takes far too long and requires far too much effort to brew it then cool it over ice it gets all watery please someone validate me i i agree i think it's i tend to if i'm making myself a cup of coffee i'm just gonna make it hot because it's too much effort to make a well i just buy iced coffee like in a tub in a yeah like in a thing yeah yeah um well i'm not a snob i also what i do is since i'm living at home whatever coffee is left over yeah put it in the fridge and i drink it the next day yeah cold that's what i do but anyway um so the whole point of this she was uh scrolling but again i don't think a snob would do that no no you're no no she shouldn't do what i that's just what i do but i see i i have

terrible taste you're just giving her an opportunity to turn her nose up yes exactly got it so she was looking at products specifically meant for this, like pictures specifically meant for brewing cold coffee. Fun. And, Christina. What? The photo. So this is, I had to include this, even though it's so random. Look at this photo.

I'm sending it to you. This is very important. I need to see it. Okay. And just wait till you hear what someone had to ask in the questions, the Q&A section. Wow. The question is, what is the guy in the picture laughing so hard at? Y'all, this guy's losing it.

He is cracking up. Like, he is. The photographer was like, pretend someone said a funny joke, and everyone's like, ah like he's like losing it real far he took his method acting extremely far it's next level um i'm gonna i'm gonna read the full product so people can look this up he's holding like a tablet and i feel like i see our logo that explains a lot anyway so true uh this is the iced coffee maker cold brew one and a half liter 53 ounce iced coffee and tea brewer with removable stainless steel filter dishwasher safe rustproof bpa free on amazon uh sold by bonson kitchen store so the top answer though the first answer to the question what is the guy in the picture laughing

so hard at they said i don't know what you were talking about a guy laughing on the box mine did not have that but it is a really good cold brew pot i haven't had a problem at all with it i've been using mine for almost a year now so i like i like how people but it's nice that they went out of their way to like still answer and say like, oh, also I love this product. Sorry about the laughing man you see in your head. But anyway, this is a great product. That had a thumbs down. And the next one was like, I would love to know too.

And that has a thumbs up. And then the third one is there is no such thing. And there's a thumbs down. Well, now I'm thrown off because as far as I'm concerned. It's right in front of us. There is a such thing. There is no such thing and there's a thumbs down well now i'm thrown off because there is as far as i'm concerned it's right in front of us there is a such thing there is a such thing and now i'm questioning my own sanity i was cracking up when i saw this photo i like i read the review and i looked at that photo i'm like oh my god what a good question i think you're right like that it's it adds to it that the others are just kind of chuckling in like a normal stock photo way. And then this fella is just busting,

losing it. He, uh, has really never heard something so funny. And he's the one holding like the, whatever that is. Whatever they're laughing at. Tablet or phone.

Presumably. Right. So it almost feels like he's like, guys, this is so funny. And they're kind of just humoring him. Yeah. That's like,

it's like when I show people, uh, weird YouTube videos that I really enjoy after having a little bit of an edible. And then I share it with other people and I'm laughing and they're like, what the fuck? We got to be polite. Yeah. A fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind to new views and new perspectives. The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights. Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at Michigan.org.

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So this next review was also from Moose. And it's our third and final review of a Mexican restaurant in San Antonio called Rosario's. I was going to guess San Antonio. Oh, well. I'm so good. You got it right. This is a one-star review by Jane. So we're so excited when we leave the hotel because we're hungry and we're told this is the spot to go so we walk to rosario's wait 30 min for a table but in the meantime i buy my party

a pre-beverage drink wait what's a pre-beverage drink maybe they were saying a pre-dinner dinner beverage and messed up i buy my party a pre-beverage drink. Feeling excited. They seat us in an area where there's large parties. Okay, noise, but we can handle it. Someone in our parties orders a queso dip. Okay, comes out cold. We send it back, then proceed to order our food. Food comes out looking good, but once my table mate bites into it,

a dead roach drops out. She says to us, look. Wait. The roachach that is not what how i heard that i don't know why that's how i heard it a dead roach drops out she says to us look okay i i don't know the dead roach seems to not be the one it was gregor samsa we're living in a Kafka novella. You thought we'd forgotten, but no. We'll never stop bringing it up. A dead roach drops out.

She says to us, look, I'm freaked out by this time because I had just ordered a side of sour cream to go with like quesadillas. I try not to scream. Tell my other table mate, don't eat that. We wait until the waiter comes back. Don't eat that. Your table mate a dog? Like, hello a dog like hello it's a dog like no no don't eat that's gross and wait did the friend just say look yeah you didn't have to write that i'm sorry that's just i'm being nitpicky now see that's why i could see why you were confused, because there was nothing of substance.

A dead roach drops out, dot, dot. She says to us, dot, dot, dot, look, dot, dot. Weird. I don't know. Yeah. I try not to scream. Tell my other table mate, don't eat that. We waited until- I can't.

I can't. I can't. It's so ridiculous. It's so ridiculous. I mean, come on. Dead roach just fell out of it. And you have to tell him not to eat it. We wait until the waiter comes back and I ask for the manager.

He acts like this is no big deal. Now I'm needing a drink for real. I have pictures, but unless you want them, I won't mess this place up for everybody. But we took pictures. We couldn't even believe this. I ask for the manager. He does not seem to be surprised. But we took pictures. We couldn't even believe this. I asked for the manager. He does not seem to be surprised. No reaction at all. I tell him to take all our plates away and bring us drinks because right now liquor is the only thing that will make us forget

what we just saw. Now, while we waited for this table, I spent $32 in drinks thinking we're about to have fun and some good food. Neither one those things happened so i asked the manager to comp the pre-drinks and the bug drinks the bug drinks sorry to comp the pre-drinks and the bug drinks but he told me we called the exterminator so we won't do your pre-drinks but i waited 30 min thinking i was about to have dinner bull this is not okay so i will contact the health department on monday you continue to serve food out of that kitchen even though you saw the roach on our plates with food untouched i eat out a lot but i'll be damn if i spend my money with an establishment that serves tacos with a side of roaches not today give me my 32 back that's all i ask you for now i'll involve the health department be careful when you go to rosario's check your food end of review wow anyway moose thank you for all of these gems i'm weirdly suspicious because

they said oh i won't share the photos because i don't want to ruin this place for you this is as if you're doing people a service well as you know alexander Alexander Yelp is a famously positive and uplifting place to be. Oh, of course. You know. True. Full of the best kinds of people. Yeah. So I guess they didn't want to, you know, put a downer.

God. Gross. Very gross. I kind of want to be like, I want to see it. Yeah. I mean, I kind of want to see it too because I'm suspicious. Why aren't you posting it? Like, why not?

Like, I don't understand their reasoning behind not including a photo. Yeah, I guess they think it's too graphic. That makes no sense. You're already describing it and apparently talking about how the roach talks to you. Vivid detail. It's very descriptive. Strange. Okay, well, I'm going to do one more. Great. This is from An. Strange. Okay. I'm going to do one more.

Great. This is from Anastasia. Okay. Saying, not sure if this counts as a review. I was watching a video about how to make your garden friendly to hedgehogs, and I saw this comment, which, yeah, so cute, cute, cute stuff. I love it. I love hedgehogs.

Here is a comment on a video about making your garden look nice for hedgehogs here we go why should i help them they never helped me end of comment this was written by fern gully what are you talking about i don't know people are so freaking weird they never this if that doesn't showcase humanity it's like what like hello what did they ever do for me it's like wait what do you want me to actually answer that yeah exactly like how what what would you even say to that i don't know but i feel like maybe i should come up with an answer yeah no i know right there's got to be something what did they ever do for me then why are you even on this video how do you get here this is a video by the royal horticultural society in the uk um yeah and it's uh i don't know people just it's called how to help hedgehogs in your garden that's very sweet

yeah i think it's so like yeah that's just a nice cute idea i do expect something in return i don't i don't necessarily know what it is but i do expect something in return uh i think their presence is present enough that's i love that did you just come up make that up i actually did wow just thinking about hedgehogs. I'm so impressed. They inspire me. Do they? Yes. I just have one thing for you left. Okay. This is from Heather, who says, hey, they're happy sheifers. Hi. My name is Heather Sheher, and due to lovely congenital hip dysplasia, I'm going to have

a total hip replacement in a few months. That does sound lovely. Wow. I hope you're all right. So she says, I've been shopping for things on- Was this written like a year ago this was written in january oh okay uh i feel like it's happening any day now okay i hope you're doing okay yeah she says i've been shopping for things i'll need during

recovery and was scouring amazon for a suction cup shower grip when i stumbled upon these gems stumbled upon stumbled oh gosh oh gosh a little hip humor for hip displays of humor you know how we love it i'm so sorry and she says stay cool kids uh so i hope you're doing okay this is a review of the oh my goodness changing lifestyles which by the way what a fun brand name changing lifestyles safer grip 11.5 inch balance assist bar uh and this is actually a number one bestseller in bath and shower grab bars wow yeah that's tough yeah that's a tough market to break into market to crack yeah here's a picture of it looks i'm not surprised yeah look at it i'm not surprised economics of that that would break my market. Wow. That's how marketable it is.

But not your hip. Not my hip. Okay. Wow. Here we go. This is from the question and answer section of Amazon. And the question is, would these adhere to a dolphin? I've always wanted to swim with them underwater, but could never keep up.

And this is the first answer. Please don't. There's two answers. but could never keep up. And this is the first answer. Please don't. There's two answers. Perhaps try using the SwimShare dolphin harness with guidable mouth bit.

Ergonomic handles have optional wrist strap. Comes with a hands-free whistle for signaling the dolphin when you're ready to head back to shore. Is that real? No, I think they're kidding. Okay. I think they're kidding.

I'm falling for this shit. Would these adhere to a dolphin like i don't think this is a real i hope not no i really don't uh and so this is the second answer which i guess was written by you because i'm a freaking gullible nerd okay no and i hope you don't try to attach anything like this to a dolphin. I feel like you should just find some dolphin that are stationary and visit with them that way. Please don't try this on these beautiful mammals. End of answer. I would never go that far for the record, but oh my God.

I mean, okay, even if this person were, for whatever reason, serious, in which context would they ever get the chance to even suction this to a dolphin? Exactly. No, you're right. Like, okay, like, whatever. So anyway, Heather, the subject of this email was, between you and us, please do not attach arbitrary things to dolphins. Okay, that's a good message, though, to end. So I feel like we all learned a thing or two. Yeah, I think that's perfect.

And we also learned there's something called a swim shore dolphin harness with guidable mouth bit. Okay, that part. Okay, I don't believe that that part exists. I was just like, I'm sure like dolphin training is like one of those weird niche worlds that I can't say I know anything about. Thankfully. So I'm like, I i don't know maybe that weird shit people do weird shit with animals you know so i typed in swimshire dolphin harness with guidable mouth bit and uh what came up was an amazon product called changing lifestyle safer grip uh 11.5 inch balances i wonder why so wonder why. So yeah, we can all assume that first answer was a fun

fun like retort to this person kind of pulling everyone's leg and then the second person flipped out. So anyway, that's all I've got for you. Great. Good ending. Yeah, if you have something to send our way you can do that at beach2sandy at gmail.com and we will hopefully

someday read it yep that's all i got that's all i've got well you've got all that i got oh my god good for me thanks for being here everybody bye bye see you next month Bye.