Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 36

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

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Conditions apply. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Welcome to Between You and Us, May Edition. May Edition. Last day of May. You're welcome. We did that on purpose.

Always. Did we do it last day of april never mind it's possible it's all on purpose don't remind us um yeah this is where we read reviews sent in by you via email um but not fitting a certain theme because we also read reviews you send in for different themes too this is where we let loose we're letting loose we just recorded our bonus episode for patreon that was a blast about letting loose my goodness you know we were like that'll be the shortest one we record today well we'll see because it was pretty long and it was pretty chaotic uh it was mother's day themed uh you know famously the last day of may mother's day and we read some wild reviews uh so yeah go check out Patreon if you want to hear that.

But otherwise, I guess we can get into it. Sounds good. I've got a review here from Brett. This is of the Take Two Cafe in Schenectady, New York. Nice job. Did I do that okay, you think? I don't know. I practiced.

Last time I was in the car with Dee, we were driving around and I saw signs for Schenectady and I kept trying to say it. She must have loved that. Yeah. Yeah. No, she helped. She helped. She's really good at it.

I bet. Yeah. She can pronounce a lot of good New York things that I can't. She's from that state. She is. I can pronounce towns in Kentucky, Versailles. Versailles. Is that in Kentucky?

I thought it was in Indiana. Oh. Or Ohio, actually. I thought it was in Indiana oh or Ohio actually I thought it was anywhere but Kentucky that's what I meant I don't know where it is I just know how to say it okay Louisville you got Louisville down I know how to say that uh so this is a vegan cafe that is very very important okay it's a vegan cafe vegan okay here's a review of this vegan cafe called to take two cafe one star oh brett says by the way i've been there and the food is amazing menu is great people working there are amazing so we've got a little five star review from brett and here's a one star review though that was included inedible omelet asked for well done and got goo coffee

is okay bring your own cream if you want dairy based how hard is it to have some creamer in your self-serve fridge no service limited menu terrible food and you get to wait on yourself and expensive for the portions stay away and go to duncan end of review wow yeah this person was sorely mistaken when they thought this was a normal breakfast joint i assume yeah similar to duncan my goodness yeah exactly comparing this to duncan i don't even know this place i looked it up it looks tasty as heck but what did they get instead of an omelet i mean they got an omelet i'm sure but it's probably from just with just egg or something okay because yeah they sell like i i don't think this person realized it wasn't even relaxed yeah which is kind of a compliment they were like well

it's just goo but like how i don't think it's also about the difficulty level of keeping creamer in fact i think that's probably very easy yeah that's just simply that's not really the problem that's not really the holdup they have is how difficult it is i will say though duncan does have some good avocado toast oh yeah we love duncan around these parts um i'm going to boston in two days i will uh gotta put those positive duncan vibes out there i gotta i gotta bring my own creamer just in case you never know hey it's so nice though when you go into those duncan so i had never seen i think this one was in connect it was northeast somewhere

the fucking duncan had like a whole like oh yeah the whole like tap situation like they had different draft coffees it had like a cold had cold brew on tap and stuff. Yeah, but six different coffees. That was pretty cool. And different iced coffees. And I was blown away by the level of Dunkin' that they have up there. So maybe I was wrong. Maybe they did expect high, high quality like Dunkin'.

Yeah, I think they did. Although, now that makes me think have you been to a tim hortons in canada i have okay have you been to a tim hortons not in canada i have not because i'm curious if there's a difference because i there was one on campus on right at right state and dayton really yeah and that's the only tim hortons i've ever been to it was like in my school's campus so I'm curious if I go to an actual one like a I gotta be honest the one I went to in Canada was in the airport so I don't know that it was the perfect example I feel like I need to find a standalone one next time you do um okay so

the first one I have for you is from Claire who says hi Zan and Christine. That's fun. Saw this, thought of yous, and that's y'all for the Midwestern folks, just in case anyone's wondering. You live in Ohio right now. I live in Kentucky. So there's that language barrier that we sometimes face. We have quite the language barrier. Gio's a post-it stuck to his tail. And he hasn't even realized it yet

like flopping around the wind you maybe come over here i want to be able to reach your post-it button stuck to his butt curtain that's okay he's getting some pets he's happy he doesn't seem to notice okay sorry so this is from green bay wisconsin it's a mcdonald's review one star went to the open 24 7 mac shack this fine friday morning approximately 4 a.m was a great start to my morning got an early start and after all it was a friday some unfortunate unforeseen circumstances occurred the day prior when i was tragically late for work. In conjunction with my crew's immaculate craftsmanship and hard work, I premeditated my Friday morning to accompany a little road trip to the Mac Shack

before my hour-and-a-half-long excursion to work. But when I pulled up to the Golden Arch, they were closed. Unacceptable. Apparently Ronald doesn't want my almighty dollar. You should have played the game. Are they talking about Ronald McDonald or Ronald Reagan? Ooh, could be either. Could be.

Both worship the mighty dollar. So true. Being a falsely advertised open 24-7 restaurant publicly posted online and for all my time spent running to three separate Mac Shacks this morning. They write Mac Shack in every single. They've never not said Mac Shack, except for the time they said Golden Arch, but they've never said it any other way. to three separate mac shacks this morning and not obtaining a single breakfast burrito i can only hope mr mcdonald can get my impeccable crew some breakfast burritos in an effort to make up the lost time spent this morning my condolences go to anyone who has gone through this or something similar i have an aspiration that your friday morning ends superior to mine i anticipate a

timely appropriate response in regards to my review thank you and god bless end over you you're expecting too much friend you're expecting not only too much like something at all yeah yeah yeah anything from the mac shack from the mac shack's google reviews i don't think you're gonna get anywhere with this ronald isn't interested okay i will say i enjoyed how they started with ronald being you know them being a first name basis right and then switching it to mr mcdonald to be like you know what i mean business this is true i mean business now yeah we're not this isn't first name basis anymore like ronald we're pals but mr mcdonald you and i we've got some beef oh also you owe me 16 burritos for my impeccable crew whatever that means um also i love that what does any of this mean that's a good question i just love that he

really thinks he's gonna get a whole box of burritos which is that even a thing mcdonald's does i don't know probably like that liquor store in kentucky thing where that person thought that they were closing like whenever they'd walk up oh yeah i bet all these mac shacks are putting the close sign up lock the door when he shows up put the drive-through window like sorry out fishing um i just yeah i feel like it's really hard to be this guy i didn't even give him a fake name let's call him trent it's hard to be trent um and he does give his condolences to anyone suffering but maybe they'll start a support group i'm not sure but i i recommend it um if he's interested maybe you can lead it sure yeah um good stuff

navigating adulting isn't always easy you're not just just working, you're working late. And dinner dates are all, what's your five-year plan? And you're thinking, paying off the bill for this fancy pants meal, probably. So when you need to break free from responsibility and experience something that feels more you, reach for Kraft Dinner. Because when you're starved for moments that bring you back to who you really are and what you really love, That's when it's got to be KD. When you got to do you, it's got to be KD. Shop now. My next one here is from Diana Sheher, who says, I've got two small boys and work full time. So I'm always looking for quick recipes on the New York Times cooking app.

Oh, I have that app. Oh, I have access to it, but I don't use it. Damn. Can I have your access? Because I know I pay for it. No. I, you know, date someone who works at the New York Times. Okay.

I'll try. Okay. I'll text D real quick. So here is a review of the one pot spaghetti with cherry tomatoes and kale recipe yum on the new york times cooking up okay here's a review um this is by uh say ronald is there no instruction for using fresh pasta? What have we become? I would not even use dry pasta on a camping trip. Why? Oh, why? Oh, why? Oh, why? Oh, why?

Never do these recipes specify fresh pasta. All is lost. There's nothing left for me in this world. If you need me, you will find my corpse standing in front of my refrigerator, staring at the formerly fresh pasta which, but for the brutality

and pathos of modern food writers, could have been a sublime one-pot repost. Goodbye forever. End of review. Holy shit. Goodbye forever. End of review. Holy shit. Goodbye forever. This sounds like one of my live journals. Why, oh, why, oh, why? Goodbye forever. I think it's a repost, by the way. Repost is a thing I've never even heard of.

I have, but I don't know how to say it. I think it's repost. I don't know what I said, but my goodness. My goodness. Goodbye forever. Like it. Because they didn't have instructions for doing this with fresh post. First of all, what recipe ever on the Internet has that? No recipe.

I don't know. Make your own blog. i just don't get it yeah truly make your own pasta blog yeah i've never told someone to make their own blog before but this time i actually mean it so i'm gonna say it it's literally just a one pot spaghetti with it's probably supposed to be it's for 20 minutes um four servings 20 minutes like it's a quick seems like like a quick simple recipe that's great for a lot of people into like your your fresh pasta i feel like you would know how to cook it exactly like why do you need specific instructions just like cook it the way you cook it and then add

all the other ingredients i don't know i truly think they just have an issue with other people not using fresh pasta i mean i also have an issue with me not using fresh pasta but guess what do i have the time for that no i don't think so must be nice you like bring your pasta maker like your toralee thing every time you go camping yeah you know what know what? That's a good point. I even have the little crimper guy now that I crimp all my spaghetti. You crimp your spaghetti? I scrimp my spaghetti. Yeah? Yeah, I do.

It's rough. Advanced techniques. Because it's so thin that I end up just cutting into a bunch of little tiny pieces of spaghetti. Oh, yeah. You'll get there. You'll learn how to crimp it properly one day practicing um so anyway this is the next one i have this was sent in by nc mama she her who said hello xd and xandy i was listening to the most recent between you and us where you review read a review for the

book the ufo who took jesus it reminded me of reviews for the product below okay oh I know that's a good start so these are positive reviews um these are of like click the link to make sure I read the whole Amazon link of course oh wow it's only three words for once so the brand is called accoutrement which is a very annoying brand name um accoutrement jesus bandages uh free prize inside like actually that's what that was free prize inside i assume it's salvation i'm not sure jesus band-aids yeah bandages yeah they um i don't know if you can see this but they have oh they just have jesus on their face oh stigmata that's fun i know i was like for your stigmata for all your stigmata

problems they're only five dollars and ninety cents uh the tin container uh includes 15 bandages bonus trinket in each tin i'd love to know what the trinket is wow they don't tell you um they don't tell you because it's a surprise. Okay. I'm trying to figure out what the surprise is, but it's just not telling me. Okay, so anyway, NC Mama sent a couple reviews. This is a five-star review by Cam. Verified purchase. The title is,esus really does work miracles i originally wanted to purchase bacon band-aids for my white elephant gift

they were perfect everyone loves bacon oh okay i knew they would be the perfect mini gift to give one of my friends i scrolled over to place my order when i saw they were sold out after i wiped away my tears, I ordered the next best thing. Jesus Band-Aids. They sounded ideal. You cut your hand? Jesus Band-Aid. You stub your toe? Jesus Band-Aid. I was anxiously awaiting my order when I felt a calm come over me. My child, the voice said. You have done well. Now seek your reward. Confused, I continued to wait. When my package finally arrived, I tore off the tape and dumped out the contents a little faith goes a long ways before me i held a box of bacon band-aids what i could not believe it hallelujah it's a miracle jesus spoke to me and answered my prayers praise

him however if you are insistent about actually ordering the jesus band-aids i don't know what will be shipped to you good luck uh that's pretty wild isn't that bananas like what the hell um maybe the surprise is that you get what you've always wanted oh unfortunately for this person what they always wanted was bacon it's too bad that they didn't really get a second chance yeah yeah a wish you know um that's that thank you nc mama i love it uh my next one is from michelle who loves the podcast oh so much she her by the way uh also loves this breakfast place and damn near spit out my wine we reading this review some part of me wishes this actually happened and i could have witnessed this interaction here we. Here's a one-star review. I don't know the name of the place, but here we go.

Oh, I do. I think this is a first watch location. I think in Nashville, maybe. Okay, here we go. Here's a review by Ashley, one star. Sorry. What star. Sorry. What? So stupid.

We had an amazing server, but there was a man training with her. He was incredibly rude and offered horrible service. I asked for milk and he told me to go back to my mom's tit. tit i'm utterly shocked at how unprepared he was to take utterly i'm utterly shocked at how unprepared he was to take our table he barely knew anything on the menu super unhelpful and was not a good experience would not recommend end. Holy shit. If I were drinking a beverage, I would have spit it out as well because holy crap. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Also, I just love that this guy uses humor as a coping mechanism. He's like, I don't know the answer to that.

So here we go. I'm just going to be an asshole. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Yeah, and the owner response was basically like, yeah, give me some more details on this. We'll try to get you some. The owner was like, we didn't have anyone training that day. I don't know who was following your table around.

We've been closed for 50 years. Asking for tips. This is your second one about asking for creamer or milk. Yeah. This is all by chance i swear i didn't the wildest search for mom's tit or milk or something oh god i hope not um wowza okay so this made me laugh these are from emma okay these are from emma yeah i know emma okay and so uh emma says i was so excited for this theme okay this was for the childhood books but unfortunately it was sent too late or i didn't read it on time

probably the latter so i read them just for fun and it was a winner so i'm gonna read them now so she says i was so excited for this theme because one i was an avid elementary school reader and two i'm an elementary teacher now but I got into a car accident this week and forgot about everything. Parentheses, not like an amnesia situation, though. Everyone is fine. So if it's not too late, it was. Here's some reviews of my personal favorite controversial series, Junie B. Jones, which is also what I call my cat. Wait.

What did Emma forget? That we had the theme of Chuck and was like wait i think okay i don't know if all things to lose of memory that's sad that's the most tragic first to go yeah i mean i don't really like not completely surprised but yeah it's pretty tragic um here is a one-star review by gene of junie b books that it's not of g it's sorry the title of the review is junie b books the book is called junie b jones it's a verified purchase i ordered junie b books because i have a grand girl entering first grade i read the first two pages and Junie said, I hate the dumb boy.

Backtalked the teacher and said, I am going to know you on your can. What? Somehow I doubt that. This is your first time reading this review. Watching your face as you struggle through this. It's all spelled so weird. Like grand girl is spelled grad and girl.

Like I'm just, and grand girl is not a word. So, you know sorry i read the first two pages and junie said i hate the dumb boy backtalk the teacher and said i am going to know you on your can i did not like and would like either a refund or an explanation and the grammar was atrocious please help me as you know i am a great Amazon customer. One person found this helpful. This person, the problem that this person has is their grammar lessons come from these books. Oh. So if you're like, well, this person shouldn't be judging grammar.

Well, they learned it from Junie. Junie B. Books. Junie B. Books. Maybe that is, yeah, maybe that's the ultimate, it's the cycle of life. Yeah. Yeah. And as you know know gene is a great amazon customer so like as who knows i mean i know now i guess jeff basil's gonna step in also i like that her request is for an explanation yeah like what does that mean as a great amazon customer i deserve an explanation for this madness oh i've got uh one more uh this is from erin she her who was shopping on amazon

for products to buy uh for her sister's upcoming bachelorette party so this is of um gas works penis shaped pasta um is it fresh or is it oh it is not fresh you have some themes going on here and they're all that is true it's kind of weird this one has been in this folder for a long time this is really weird this is like at least a month so i don't know pasta pasta on the brain penis on the brain tits on the brain, tits on the brain. Creamer. Creamer. Yikes. That's pretty weird. This is turning into something. Let me just read this two-star review.

Was hoping for something larger. My boyfriend and I split up recently, so I thought this might cheer me up. Unfortunately, the little tiny willies in this box just reminded me of him. End of review. Just a little review humor for you, everybody. That's why you got to go fresh, baby. Make your own. Make your own penis pasta.

Get a little crimper roller and crimp your own penis pasta. Yeah. Store-bought. If you don't have fresh store-bought is fine um but in this case i guess it's not this is such a weird bachelorette party thing like i think it's so funny that it comes up when searching for things but like do you like oh yeah we're gonna have pasta for dinner so i'll make penis pasta like is that it must be a thing that's kind of fun i wonder if it's like a yeah that's just a gag gift yeah true i would think like that was like do you just make

pasta like oh let's because i feel like if you have like a bachelorette party of like seven people you're gonna need to buy like 10 packs of these to like feed everyone i don't know you can make a pasta salad out of it i don't know but yeah you're probably right it's probably a gift i feel like so now um i'm gonna read one okay speaking of pasta so emma also sent a review of strega nona uh she says the last like a italian version of stella luna i think it was tommy depaula maybe strega nona okay here let me read tommy depaula christina wait who's that what do you mean who's that who's tommy depaula i know why am i the only one who knows who that is i said that to m the other day and they were like what are you talking about yeah that's like the name of the it is tommy depaula oh type in Streganona. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Figure out how to type it. I see this art.

Streganona. Yeah. Christina, sorry. I had a teacher. His name was Mr. DePaula. Oh. In middle school. I don't think.

Who had a son named Tommy. I don't think it was the same. I'm pretty sure his son was named Tommy. So that's like really threw me. I was like. That's a bold choice. I'm pretty sure he's still like a child or at the very like most in high school i'm like why are we talking about this no no i uh i don't wish to speak of an elementary school child i'm speaking of the renowned author tommy depaula who wrote

the book straganona and emma says uh this is my all-time fave book for zero reason if you haven't read it it's about an old lady witch with a magic pasta pot of never ending and naughty big anthony gets into the pasta pot and floods the town spoilers by the way and floods the town with pasta while she is away because he doesn't know how to turn the pot off naughty naughty big anthony not big in the in the what Naughty Big Anthony. Naughty Big Anthony. In the, what? It is Naughty Big. Naughty. Naughty Big Anthony in the penis pasta. Letting it out and drowning the townspeople in the penises.

Alexander, the pasta thread is really weird today. What is happening? I don't know because I didn't even think about that when I opened this email and i didn't even realize anyway this is a redemption it's a four-star review on goodreads of streganona and it's by christine not not i oh what's not to love about this book it's a great story my acquaintance with this book occurred not when i was what is acquaintance do they have acquaintance okay let me try again everyone's reading junie b books and learning their grammar there an acquaintance is a written receipt attesting the settlement of a fine or a debt oh well maybe that's what she meant not okay

let me try again my acquaintance with this book occurred not when i was at the targeted age but when my brother was my brother loved spaghetti as a young child he still loves it i'm starting to imagine now that this christine is talking about her brother alexander wait spaghetti didn't we talk about crimping spaghetti yes oh my lord this is like very spot on there's so much going on this episode there's someone needs to look at the underbelly of this episode i know and i feel like i let us know what the fucking problem is i have like 40 emails in here i just like randomly click them i'm not this was not planned my brother loved spaghetti as a young child he still loves it he had so many books that dealt with spaghetti i love that that's amazing that is so good

he had so many books that dealt with spaghetti, including a real annoying one. And then they tagged it in Goodreads. Like, you can tag the title. The annoying one? More spaghetti, I say. That's the name of the other book. He had to be read these books constantly. Honestly, I can still recite parts of them by heart.

The words are burnt into what passes from my brain. There was one huge but when you read a story to my brother you couldn't say spaghetti i love this brother this sounds like me it's not like you're torturing me it does when you read a story to my brother you couldn't say spaghetti nope you couldn't say it at all you had to say getty getty if you didn't say getty getty bad things happened the sky darkened the sun and moon traded places the rivers ran backward the fish ate oranges the spaghetti and then she crossed it out getty getty would be undercooked bad things real bad one really, really, really good thing about Strega Nona was that it is a charming story that doesn't get old. A charming story that is still charming even with the use of the word Getty Getty.

I still like this book despite having to read one too many times. End of review. Amazing. That sounds like me thinking back of my memories like, wow, yeah. Remember when I like made people do something yes yeah do you know what alex is speaking of which oh no he used to say that harry potter made him really nauseous and so i wasn't allowed to which same in school too i told my classmates that too and once i went to the nurse and went home because someone wouldn't stop talking

to me about harry potter he literally told me i my mom said i was not allowed to speak about harry potter under our roof or in the car especially in the car because he would say he was gonna throw up the steering wheel and end it all goodbye goodbye forever whatever that reviewer i was ahead of the game with the jk rowling hate i guess um he really would just insist that he would get and then one time i got a postcard from a friend and it had harry potter and he came from the mailbox and was like oh get it away from me get it away and then i wanted to put on the fridge and you were like no and so we couldn't put on the fridge anyway so that's a fun story about alexander

piecing together all my mental illness, everybody. It's a long journey. Where it all comes from. Yeah. All the stuff's from Harry Potter. Yeah. Anyway. I can't even deny any of that.

No, it's true. Yeah. Unfortunately. It is. I love that mom was like, yeah, you're right. I mean, she's like, I can't deal with it. To be fair, she was over the Harry Potter talk too, probably. Probably. That's fair. You were probably together. Yeah, I can't deal with it. To be fair, she was over the Harry Potter talk, too, probably. Probably.

That's fair. You were probably together. Yeah, I was doing her a favor. Yeah. Alrighty. Well, thanks for listening, everybody. Thanks, everybody. Send us an email, beachdewsandy at gmail.com.

You can listen to that bonus Patreon episode at patreon.com slash beachdewsandy. I think there's still some tickets for our tour, beachdewsandy.com slash tour. Go to bit.ly slash beachdewsandy merch for things. That's about it. I don't know. Beach Dew Sandy. Google it. See what comes up.

I'm already on Instagram. I don't have to listen anymore. Okay, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.