Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 37

Episode Date: June 30, 2022

This episode is highly unprofessional, distressing, confusing, and plain weird. Oh wait, that's all our episodes... Want more bonus content? Support us on Patreon! patreon.com/beachtoosandy Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Get ready for our new Bitch Too Sandy pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. hello and welcome to between you and us this is where we read the reviews that you've sent into us yes you find them on the internet and we read them we regurgitate them back to you our little baby birds. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Yep. Okay, no.

What the fuck are you, the mama bird? I was regurgitating food. Okay. Maybe bleep that out, though. Oh, okay. That was gross. I'll start. Okay. I have an email from Isabel who said, do weird ass postings in a newspaper count i say yes me too so this is

not exactly a review it is a review of life isabel says or of the arp of the eugene weekly anyways this man paid to have four separate bizarro bulletins put in one of my local newspapers stay sexy isabel wow so in the subject of the email isabel even put like alternating caps because that is how this is sort of written so i'll read these to you here's the first one this is there's some there's like a section in this local paper of events there's a for sale you know know, garage sale listings and stuff. And then there's something called bulletin board announcements. Here's the first one. Fraud Demon Nation USA.

Early Sunday and I got a fraud claiming to be Amazon and Apple. No, I have never given my cred number to anyone and never online and never to Amazon. Now I must wait 24 or us to get to my bank why is it in this demon nation usa that there is no fbi nor police nor anything that one can go to to report fraud not even when you haveas.Martyr at gmail.com. I changed the names, but Martyr. Martyr is in there. Yeah.

Interesting. At gmail. You know, I'm interested, James. Are you? I am. I'm going to politely step out of the room. Very cautiously. Cautiously interested.

So I'd like to hear more but uh oh good because there's a little sprinkling of more i don't need a deluge oh well do you need three more postings are you serious yeah so no they're on the same paper they're they're back to back in the same announcement who okay james yeah i guess so a martyr does a martyr only a martyr so the next so then it's like a split where you can see this is the next purchased ad like what do you call it um what do you call it when you take out an ad in a paper a personal confident why are you trying to say a not a confidential what are they called classified ad oh. Okay, so this is the next one. It's called True Moral Power.

Met a woker who has read my postings. A what? A woker. Oh, a woker? A woker, like she's woke. Okay, I thought you said woger. Like some type of... I met a woker today.

I was like, is that a woman ogre? Yeah. Yikes. I met... type of like i was like is that a woman ogre like she claimed she was amazon and apple met a woker who has read my postings asked her how she liked them dead silence. Repeated and a dead silence. Now to a woker, this is mind power. Wrong! People of truth are 100% always capable to speak. Only those of deep darkness can't talk.

James dot whatever I said. What is happening? At martyr at gmail dot com. I don't know. Please tell me you did not email them no i did not email them are you kidding me oh i should no do not please do not bring this person's attention to you or this show okay next one is now there's a break and another ad expand i want to be again just to reiterate that every couple letters there are

like multiple letters capitalized so I don't know oh maybe it's a secret message but do you know what I mean like yeah they're just like some letters are capitalized in a row and there is I have to look at this later expensive and horrible

font that few can read anyway and you wokers are haters of the truth anyway james.lucas.martyrette that's it yeah and this is the last one paying by word probably so just right smaller paycheck that week aar no this is all the same week i'm saying this is all the same week yeah they're all in the same sorry for somebody that thought it was each week oh they're all in the same like here's like um the person is taking out multiple classified i see bulletin board and they're all the same person it's all him oh okay so this is the last one aarp has an offer of fifty thousand dollars to a loved one or to a charity for 184 a month for 70 to 74 year olds me will be

oh me i'm eligible me will be timed out at 75 in 12 days too old for a life insurance facts and then there's like a weird arrow i have never got a oh okay well it's what they what you would in the olden days write a boob parentheses dot parentheses no way yeah i have never got a boob of parentheses friend in this life. No org has ever did. Parentheses awareness of my life. My best words to define. But demons will attack. What? WT.

And then another boob. Of personhood or org did I ever get? So I must just pass on this offer, Eugene. Or this then is my final truth to this life before my soon meet up with jehovah god james martyr what the end and then the next one says alan on hope and help for families and friends of problem drinkers so unfortunately alcoholics anonymous got um got the shaft this thrown in underneath all of this yeah and then under that there's has marijuana stopped being contact the out of the fog marijuana anonymous group so really those two got kind of

shuffled aside this martyr paid a little extra maybe to get bumped up yeah i think he is uh holy crap the hit of the week here on the bulletin board i feel like there's some ulterior motive or something's going on here yeah i gotta figure out which one of these are like what the capitals mean you know yeah you gotta now you should do your research you should really just dive deep okay after this episode i think that i have to know what you come up with plenty of time and nothing else better to do right i think so okay i love that also that he wants to talk to the fbi about like yeah and saying like the usa doesn't have an fbi or whatever about and i'm like what of course they do i mean isn't that not saying they're gonna help you but you can try calling

the fbi you can try wow my first one comes from our patreon only facebook group this is from katrie who posted this um and shared it from from a group called 69 women got drier than the desert because of this post wait that's a group yes it's one of those oh you tag it oh i love and so then um that's very fun katrie shared it to be-She-Sammy. Love it. Because it's a review. It's a two-star review. I don't know of which Hooters, but it's of a Hooters.

Okay, good start. Here we go. Let's face it. People don't go to Hooters for the food. Guys go there to be flirted with by scantily clad girls. They do make decent wings, however, with lots of interesting choices of sauce. My latest visit here was a disappointment. Nobody flirted with me.

Not that I needed it, but being alone, it would have been nice. The waitresses were mostly all gathered in one corner of the place, smooching their boyfriends. The manager seemed to care less. Ten years ago, it was a whole different experience. Apathy is a sure sign that a place is on the way out. The wings were not even too good this time. I guess I should be thankful that the waitress didn't throw them at me, as her attention was more on her boyfriend in the corner.

The place was nearly empty, and it's obvious why. Sad. End of review. place was nearly empty and it's obvious why sad end of review i can't stand humanity like this is one of those just like just innocuous enough where it's like an eye roll moment but also like this is someone that i can't i can't. I can't. I don't even know. I don't want to go any further in my...

It's truly just like... Rattlings. But this is why those Facebook tags exist. Yes. I suppose. Yes, exactly. And I imagine that would probably piss him off to no end. They're smooching their boyfriends, God forbid.

And also being like oh i guess guys go here for that it didn't happen to me though yeah not that i need it talk about fragile masculinity man um that is stupid that's like defining the cliche of Hooters. Like unintentionally. He's just like blatantly, unintentionally explaining why people roll their eyes at the Hooters clientele. And he thinks he's in the right by complaining about it. It's so weird. Okay, so I have this one.

It's from Carrie. And Carrie says, my daughter introduced me to your podcast. We we thoroughly enjoy it thank you for many laughs during a difficult time recently this is a little different my eight-year-old son entered my adult daughter's room with a notebook from first grade and said he had planned her wedding no i love it yeah i only heard parts but it was surely an interesting plan the next day i gave her a writing prompt to do a Beast, You, Sandy, Water Too Wet style review of his wedding planning. She did. It only seems right to share it with you. So here's the review, Carrie's adult daughter's review of her eight-year-old sibling's wedding planning.

Okay. I cannot wait. One star. Simply terrible. I would give zero stars if I could, but unfortunately that is not an option. James's wedding planning is a joke. First of all, he burst into my home and began telling me about things that had nothing to do with my wedding to the point where I was nearly caught off guard when he finally did decide to come back around to it he argued with me about my own food preferences then told me that i wouldn't be allowed to partake in my own wedding cake or meal his ideas were unrealistic and quite frankly deeply disturbing with suggestions such as shooting my future spouse during the ceremony what the fuck okay this is i don't think

i had read this far into it. Oh my god. I love it. Maybe he's working on some things. I said the same thing about you and Blaze. I'm not saying which one I wanted to shoot the other, but... And, quote, becoming a carnivore and devouring a live cow. What? I guess. I also strongly suspect this service is tied to the military in some underhanded way,

as James told me that I would have to enlist in the army as soon as the reception ended. Overall, this service is highly unprofessional, distressing, confusing, and plain weird. I will not be recommending this to any engaged couples. Side note, I'm not even getting married. That's hilarious. So clearly this child has been so good uh planning some stuff hearing some stuff um i can only imagine where some of that content came from being a first grader but um it's a scary world out there so maybe he's processing it in his little notebook oh my my gosh. You know what I mean? That's hilarious. So anyway. That is so good.

I just was very touched by that. That made my day, seriously. That's so funny. That's so funny. I would have to enlist in the army as soon as there was some, where do kids come up with this shit? Right? I love that.

I'm already scared of Leona. Oh, I know. She's already talking and she can't even say words but she's just talking and talking and talking um I have another it's funny

because I came into this prepared with emails but I was like on the Patreon group today and I just saw a couple that were really funny so I'm gonna do a second one before going to emails

um this is a one star review this was Kylie posted this in the group I'm not sure again what this is of but it's a one-star review. Kylie posted this in the group. I'm not sure, again, what this is of, but it's a one-star review. Five stars for the food.

However, the waitress was very fond of my husband. I just find it very disrespectful to try to steal my husband. Good thing I have a wonderful husband who ignored her advances. So ladies, beware when you are out with a hot stud. This is not a place to go on date night, or any date at all. But the food is so good. Oh my god, this is so cringe.

Is that the same fucking Facebook tag? Or maybe the same husband at fucking Hooters, and he's like, oh yeah, they're just so into me, these Hooters girls. They're so into me. I just want to go out on a limb and say I doubt the waitress was trying to steal your husband. But, you know, what do I know? People take kindness for flirting every day. Like, I don't know.

Yeah. Just because someone's being nice to you especially when it's their job to be nice to you yeah that does not mean that they're interested in you no not in a sexual way at least yeah um rough life that's why you gotta be a jackass Just kidding. Anyway. Okay. Here's an email. And this is from Julia, who signed off and said, all the best, Julia. She, her. Please use my name. I've always wanted to be famous. Oh, hi, Julia.

So, Julia. You're officially famous. Here you are. Before me. I'm not even famous. That's amazing, actually. She says, where do I start? This is my all-time favorite podcast.

Whenever a new episode is released, I try to listen to it in small doses so it lasts as long as possible. That's so very nice. I was looking for reading lights so I don't distract my boyfriend with my 2 a.m. reading sessions and came upon this absolute gem. So this is of a reading light. It's a number one bestseller in e-book reading lights. That's great. Love a good reading light. And here's a one- bestseller in ebook reading lights great love a good reading light and here's a one-star review by steve verified purchase the title of the review is

when turned on the explosion emits enough light to overshadow an entire solar system oh impressive and now this is written as sort of um verses in the bible oh of course one in the Bible. Oh, of course. One. In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. Two. And the earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep, and the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. Three. And God said, let there be light, and there was light. Four.

And God saw the light, and it tore from cornea straight through to macula of him, and God saw no more. Oh my god. This light is so unbelievably bright it becomes useless. I'm pretty sure that 99% of people who buy these do so so that they don't keep their spouse awake at night while they read. If that's what you are looking for, keep looking. I have to build a wall of pillows encapsulating myself in what is remarkably similar to my six-year-old self's pillow forts, just so that the light doesn't keep my wife awake. The fact that this thing doesn't require a dedicated city power grid to stay on for more than one second is a wonder beyond explaining.

Just going to read one more review. This is by Paige. Verified purchase. The title is Bright brightness of the sun perfect for replacing the sun if it were to ever burn out purchased for my husband and myself to go on our new kindles we laughed for about five minutes about how comically bright it was my husband went to read while i was planning to sleep and when he turned on his new light it lit up the entire room bright enough that it was hard for him to read because it was hurting his eyes uh and this is the last one by kittybutt42 one star verified purchase title is my retinas i like the look of it wasn't too heavy stayed on well but make sure to kiss your retinas

goodbye it was thought that the gamma ray burst grb now, now known as GRB 190114C, was the brightest object in the entire universe. Well, it is now number two in the universe. If you look directly at the book light, you can see through time. End of review. Oh my god. So anyway, this thing is apparently... That's weirdly, like, good? I mean, maybe it's not good for many, but...

But I feel like it defeats the purpose. I don't think it's not necessary purpose like you might as well necessarily to i don't know maybe like you need an extra light somewhere yeah i'm sure for some people it's a number one bestseller i'm sure some people want it to be that bright but uh i imagine for some people it's like i was looking for something dimmer than a than a chandelier so there are no like options to change the brightness that sucks i don't think so that does suck nope oh boy so uh my next one this is from magnolia who said hey besties i absolutely love your podcast and i listen every day my sister introduced me to your podcast and i've been hooked ever since oh uh give a shout out to my amazing sis sequoia hi hi what a beautiful name here is a review for like an aftershave for women

okay it's for shaving burns and things so here we go uh here's a three star review avoid your lady bits this stuff has a fabulous scent and feels great on my freshly shaved legs however after i applied a generous amount to my legs and rubbed it in, my voluptuous mermaid thighs introduced a bit of this stuff onto my lady parts, and holy hell, I'm sitting here now wondering how long my hoo-ha is going to feel like I slathered Icy Hot all over it. I mean, dang, this is not a pleasant feeling. My nether regions feel like they are on fire while also feeling like, at the same time,

an icy arctic wind is rushing over my delicate beaver bits. I didn't even shave that part today. You know in the original Home Alone movie when Kevin shaved for the first time and slaps the aftershave onto his cheeks and then he gives us his look of horror and screams in pain from the burn. I'm there, friends! The burn has descended onto my womanhood, and she is crying out for relief

right now. I'm not gonna stand this much longer before I climb back in the shower and scrub the dickens out of my poor vajayjay and hopefully liberate her from this fiery hell. So basically, yeah yeah idk about this stuff right now my verdict is nope unless you like putting icy hot on your lady bits then by all means go for it end of review that was the most away with words yes let's put it that way

what a way with words what a way to paint a picture i feel like someone should be tapping amazon for writing talent you know true it's really incredible how some of these people find the time and the agreed the the synonyms you know for lady bits i've got a few more that i could send them center stop okay so this is is this my last one how many do i have one more so yeah maybe do one more okay this is my last one this is a redemption let me pull up the link oh my gosh it's a aurora pom-pom penguin six inch soft toy blue i love it already oh it's so cute it's so cute actually it's so stinking cute um and it comes in like a little white one too oh it's so cute they're

very cute um currently unavailable i'm sorry unfortunately but here is a review that Sally from Cambridge, UK sent of this product. The title is a five star review by Hannah. And the title is ordered when slightly high, comma, no regrets. Verified purchase. Five stars. I bought two of these adorable penguins while slightly high, and I absolutely do not regret it. these adorable penguins while slightly high and i absolutely do not regret it now before i go any further i would like to clarify that when i say i was slightly high it was not in the illegal way you are probably thinking oh let me explain after spending some time in a and e that means emergency

room for none thank you i was thinking of the television network. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's accidents and emergencies. I think that is what it is. I don't know. Accident and emergency. Yes, you're correct. I'm so smart. You're so smart.

After spending some time in A&E believing I had meningitis, I was given a medication which the nurse told me as she administered it is used in a street form to get high. Not the most comforting words i've ever heard but i assume the doctors knew what they were doing well i cannot say anything what's the purpose of telling someone that like hey you can get this on the street afterwards that's a good point i feel like that's not what i don't maybe it's to scare someone like this is a highly blah blah blah drug i'd be like cool don't Don't over you. I'm going to experience this and then hopefully not want more. Yeah, I don't know what...

It's just like prescription medications like so scary. Yeah, I don't know what the purpose of that is. But maybe she's selling on the side. Oh, maybe. While I cannot say anything about how different the medical form is to the street form

and had never experienced being high before, I can confidently say that i spent the next two and a half hours as high as a kite two friends who sat with me in a and e were subjected to a 150 minute non-stop litany of penguin talk from me i was as surprised as anyone given that I hadn't previously realized that I had a passion for What? That's hilarious. This would have gone viral on TikTok for sure. Given that I hadn't previously realized that I had a passion for penguins.

Upon arriving safely home and with the medication evidently not totally out of my system, I opened the Amazon app to look for a small thank you gift for my friends. A few days later, two commemorative stuffed penguins arrived, and I gave these to my long-suffering penguin buddies. I would absolutely recommend these adorable penguins as a gift, but maybe don't order them when slightly high. I'm going to mark this as helpful. Good, good, good, good.

But yeah, so I love that she bought it for the friends that sat through all her penguin talk. That's so cute. She was like, I know what they'll love. That's so cute. These penguins. That's so sweet. So anyway, thank you, Sally, for sending this. Yes, seriously.

Because that was so adorable. It is. And honestly, I would appreciate this as a gift. Yes. Hint, hint. Go find them. That's not even what i meant but also hint hint my last one here is from m they them who has been having a terrible

week a lot of things going wrong it seems so sorry about that hope things start to improve this week for you this is from a place called taco santo okay this a review, a one-star review, and even though it's a one-star, it's a negative review, but I think it can bring us a little joy. So here we go. One star. The entire kitchen and wait staff saw an ice cream truck and ran outside,

leaving me alone in the restaurant. Ten minutes later, they all came back with ice cream cones. I still can't believe this actually happened. End review oh my god party pooper honestly are complaining about that for sure worth it they don't give a shit they don't care that you are being a little little butthurt about being replaced by a spongebob popsicle oh man it's just stuff like that where i'm like rob popsicle oh man it's just stuff like that where i'm like that should be a bright spot if you see a bunch of adults getting excited about an ice cream truck if you're in like a crazy hurry sure it would be annoying but like i don't know just have some fun have just lighten up a little you know oh so you get a Sonic Pop. Just exactly.

You could have joined them. Exactly. Make fun of how wonky its eyeballs look. True. Just enjoy your day. Wasn't there that TikTok account where someone opened a new, I think it was a SpongeBob one, a new SpongeBob one every day until it comes out looking correct? And I don't think it ever.

And every day it was all fucked up. I don't think they ever got it. Yeah. correct and i don't think it ever i don't think they ever got it yeah i feel like uh that one of the few unadulterated joys of life hearing that ice cream truck coming down the street although it does send me into kind of a panic but that's me and my anxiety because i because i'm like oh my gosh am i allowed to have an ice cream do Do I have a dollar somewhere? Yep, yep, yep. Am I going to get kidnapped? Based on all the pictures? Should I decide?

Yeah, it's a lot. It's overwhelming, for sure. Honestly, if I were with a group of people and everyone's like, are we leaving our post, leaving the cash register open for the taking to get a Sonic Pop? Hell yeah, we are.

Hell yeah. Group think. All goes out the window with... they can't fire all of us oh they can rob us blind that that could happen though um i love that review because it just gives me insight into the joy that these other people had exactly that's what it was even though this person did a redemption for these employees and not for this reviewer. How cute. Well, thank you for ending on a high note.

I try. I ended on a high note. I'm glad we're so funny. That's why we have a platform. Who gave us this? Jokes like that. Okay. Time to go?

I think it's time to go. Okay. Thanks, y'all, for listening uh if you want some more content from bonus content patreon.com slash beach to sandy we just recorded our uh father's day daddy's day bonus daddy's only uh it's for daddy's only however you know whatever kind of daddy you are identified daddy's count too yes absolutely so uh patreon.com slash beachy sani two dollars a month if you want those uh bonus episodes five dollars a month if you want the bonus episodes and get the chance to vote on new themes that we're doing so check us out uh thanks y'all love y'all talk to

you soon bye-bye