Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 38

Episode Date: August 26, 2022

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly today something is coming kong godzilla they can feel it fight together it's human up or face extinction godzilla kong the new empire now playing only in theaters. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to our Between You and Us episode that we forgot.

No, we didn't forget. We just, I said this for the- Definitely on my mind. Yeah, we didn't forget. Again, I said in our Patreon bonus, I used my TomTom and we ended up in a river. It's not fun to say the joke twice. I'm sorry. I already used it. I didn't understand it the first time.

I still don't understand it now. I tried it on our patrons. Didn't work. Tried it here again. Didn't work even more. Sorry. Let's start over. You know everyone can listen to this one, right? Oh, yeah. You gotta remember that. Awkward. Welcome to Between You and Us. This is a podcast episode where we read the reviews you send in that you find on the internet and we have a great time it's kind of a free-for-all yep um when do you

want to talk about weasel in our actual episode not this one no no no okay you guys remember weasel just keep weasel in mind i feel like we're going to forget. I was going to look up like what the reference and talk about the episode. You're just trying to Wessel your way out of this. Don't tell me about Wesseling. Okay. I'm the expert of Wesseling. Fine.

Who wants to go first? I'll go ahead. Okay. This first one was sent in by Jessica who said, I came across this product on Twitter. So naturally, I navigated to the Amazon reviews. This is Conquered by Clippy, an erotic short story. No. Kindle edition.

What is wrong with you, Alexander, finding this shit? And the description is, it looks like you're trying to buy a book. Like Clippy says. Yeah, I get it. I know. It says, Christy Ackerlund. Sexy name. Christy Ackerlund doesn't need help with anything.

Oh, I thought that was the author. That's the character? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The author is Leonard Delaney. Leonard Delaney? Yeah. Okay. So when the world's biggest technology company offers to fly her to a remote location and investigate an alien artifact all by herself, she's like, I'll do it.

The artifact isn't what it seems. Now this overly helpful giant living paperclip is getting the girl who doesn't need help with anything all bent out of shape. This is bananas. getting the girl who doesn't need help with anything all bent out of shape. This is bananas. Conquered by Clippy is a 4,000 word short story featuring sexual situations with digital assistance. It's for super mature audiences only. Oh, God.

Here we go. Here's a review. This is a one star review of Verified Purchase titled, Would You Like Some Assistance? No, thank you. Don't ask how i managed to stumble across this what i suppose is considered erotic fiction i was actually looking for titanic books at the time and was coming across a lot of kindle editions and then there was this i have to say my curiosity got the better of me conquered by clippy that annoying little character who would quite quickly get closed down

whenever he actually popped up, unless you actually needed help, which was few and far between. The whole story is just one big embarrassment from beginning to end. The author, I use the term lightly, has come up with the most ridiculous idea possible, thrown in a highly unlikely sex symbol in the form of an oversized paperclip and a woman. What else is there to say? The language is just unbelievable. It's amateurish and very cringe-inducing. For example, why describe a woman as having human body parts

and then afterwards put in brackets vagina? I kid you not. What? What? This actually is written down. Some other unbelievable phrases include lady socket, butt stuff, lady butter, love port, female orgasm. Yes, it's clear she's female. No need to add that she was having a female orgasm.

In her bracket vagina. And orgasm juice. There are probably more than what I've listed. If anyone used these phrases while I was around them, or worse, naked in the same country as them, I'd probably be arrested for what I would do. It certainly wouldn't encourage me to rip off every stitch of clothing to jump into bed with that person. I don't understand how someone can look at a paperclip and their mind instantly thinks how that could pleasure a woman. You've obviously not met Leonard.

Leonard has some... What's his name? Leonard Delaney, I believe. Leonard Delaney. I will never look at a paperclip in the same way again. Believe me, I want to warn you now. If you're in the slightest bit intrigued about this me, I want to warn you now, if you're in the slightest bit intrigued about this book, turn away, go do something else, drag your other half into bed,

anything, but download this book. End of review. I don't think you even understand how badly I now need to read this book. I know. My hope by bringing this here was for other people to download it. I'm pro-Conquered by Cl clippy don't get me wrong i've been it has 69 ratings so no one's allowed to rate i'm not kidding don't touch it it's free on kindle unlimited kindle price is 2.99 i need you to understand that i'm going to read this i believe it christina the cover is amazing can you please show me yes it's literally clippy like behind a woman in her underwear eyebrows i forgot he has creepy eyebrows so funny he's like just checking her out it's so i'm just so intrigued which is like so bad but then the more she told me not to read it the more i was like well now i really have to i am beside myself about this conquered by clippy who sent this in jessica jessica you really turned

my day around i don't know in a good way or a bad way but that remains to be seen what other oh what the the the CEO who reaches out to Miss Ackerlund

um is named Phil Gates listen to the first paragraph Christy Ackerlund was an independent

woman when the clerk at the grocery store asked her if she needed help bagging her groceries she said no thanks when a man tried to hold a door for her she went through another door when she got back to her apartment building she skipped the elevator and hiked up the stairs instead so therefore eventually she's gonna have sex with a paperclip that's what happens to young women who refuse the help of a man.

Oh my god. Oh my god, I am so disturbed by this. This is a lot. I can't stop thinking about this stupid book. Christy blinked us out of her eyes. She felt strong arms around her. Clippy was surprisingly warm to the touch. He shrugged off some cables and broken servers that he had prevented from around her. Clippy was surprisingly warm to the touch. He shrugged off some cables

and broken servers that he had prevented from crushing her. Thank you for saving me, said Christy. Too bad about Phil Gates. I don't know what happened. One sneaker foot stuck out from a pile of metal, lights, and cracked motherboards. It's probably how he would have wanted

to die, said Clippy. True, said Christy. Clippy reached out his loose end, and she let him help her up. I feel different, he said. These computers were my brain, and now that it is damaged, I don't feel compelled to help you with everything.

Can't say I'm disappointed. I do still want to assist you, he said. His digital gaze scanned her body and one eyebrow raised slightly. But it's no longer because of my programming. Chrissy looked down and saw that the loose end in the middle of Clippy's coil was sticking out. It glowed red at the end as if his rod had been stuck in a fire.

Clippy had a boner. You've been programmed to be very human, she said. Humans have certain needs. You already helped me by saving my life. How about I help you for once? I'm not sure what you mean, he said. She reached out and grabbed his glowing red end.

It was warm, but not too hot to handle. He uncurled further at her touch. too hot to handle, he uncurled further at her touch. I can't do it. It's so good. I can't do it. Oh my god, this is amazing. This is like, honestly.

I actually want to buy it. Honestly, this, I think we need to do a separate, like, mini podcast just reading this. I think so. Because this reminds think we need to do a separate like mini podcast just reading this i think so because this reminds me of my dad wrote a porno oh good where you just like it's a train wreck you just can't so good okay let us know what you think i love that the review that i read that jessica sent was like someone actually taking it seriously yeah because like the rating's not bad overall it's a 3.4 out of 5 oh my god for for a clippy erotica like

yeah the top comment is one of the dumbest things i've ever purchased 10 out of 10 oh my god okay don't read anymore because we gotta do i can't i would have but it wouldn't let me we're gonna do a mini episode that's all that yeah y'all that is just the the what was allowed in the sample what if we do a Patreon reading of it? I would love that. Wouldn't that be fun? Okay, let's do that. All right. I don't know how to follow that up at all.

I'm completely... Me neither. I should just leave that as my last one. Honestly, we're 10 minutes in, and I'm like, what else could I possibly bring to the table? But I'm going to forge onward, and I'm just going to click one of these in my folder.

Let's see. Okay, this is from Kez They Them. And here, let's see what this is. I've attached a picture of a note left in the window of a neighboring cinema, along with the translation left by the

cinema. It's not a typical review uh but it's it'll read plenty as funny no that's not what it's kaz didn't say that i'm just i'm jumbling their words this is not a review but i hope you'll still read it as it's plenty funny a little sad and just as intelligible as your typical reviews okay so i vaguely remember this but i also don't so let's go there is a piece of uh loose leaf paper taped to a window and in purple gel pen somebody has written please read this it's a pretty messy handwriting please read this note extremely important written at 5 p.m wednesday 27th of december good afternoon to all my My name is Peter and I've chosen in pure Xmas heart to another. I found near her earlier today, an extremely important, definitely

emotionally and very valuable item of jewelry. No offense. And please don't take what I'm about to say as offensive or nasty in any way, but I understand how attached this item is to the owner. Hence this notice. My apologies that I don't have a mobile. Funny enough, last week I accidentally left my phone on the bus and was stolen, so I won't do the same. I have organized a very good friend of mine to let me borrow his phone from lunchtime to about 6 to 7 p.m. that night because he respects what I'm doing. Anyway, his number is, and then it lists a bunch of digits. So please call me so I can arrange the return of such. I'm not out to scam, but like the owner knows, the huge amount of money what I found is worth.

Please don't hate me because I feel in this case that a good reward is respectable. Besides, we will talk about such when the owner hopefully calls. Considering I had no Xmas, at least i can make someone happy how big is this sign this is a loose leaf paper oh wow it's like crammed into a loose paper my goodness and the last couple lines were like really tiny now i guess there's a translation that the cinema posted uh okay and it's only four lines long, handwritten. If you have lost a ring, diamond, and apparently gold slash sterling silver,

a man named Gaz knows the man who has found it and is happy to take your call. And then he lifts the phone up. Yeah, so I think that's what it says. Isn't the thing we learned gaza oh gaza i don't know i don't even know if that's what it says maybe it says gus i don't know but yeah so apparently um i like how someone was like let me explain my friend found this ring so the guy basically was like i'll give it back but i need i want a reward also Also, it's such a cliche of a trope of like, I will only respond to this.

My ransom request needs to be responded to by 6 p.m. on this night at this phone number. It's so sinister, but I'm doing this out of the kindness of my heart. Yeah, my friend knows that I'm doing a good thing or something. He's letting me borrow his phone. Oh, my God. the kindness of my heart my friend knows that i'm doing a good thing or something he's letting me borrow his phone oh my god anyway that was a really wild one what the heck to just say i found your ring please call me i would like a reward i do like that there was clearly that like element of like shit i can't just pawn this yeah Yeah. Like, he really wanted to. He really thought this one through. My next one is from Maddie, who sent reviews from Fragrantica.

Mmm! She, her, by the way. This is of Minions, the perfume. No! Fragrance, yep. Do we know about this? I did not, I don't think. Did we talk about it in that perfume?

I don't think so, maybe. Is it banana? No. Oh not i don't think we talk about it in that perfume i don't think so maybe is it banana no oh i don't know why i just assumed um someone did say quote if banana isn't a note it's a lie okay i'm saying but here we go here's a review that i have um it's a positive review i don't i don't know if there's any star rating, but here we go. Picture this. Late at night, a dim log cabin is lit only by a crackling fireplace. The fire's tongues lapping at the logs below. The amber glow of the fire lights up the edges of the objects in the cabin. A musty velvet seat perched in the center. A reading desk covered with books in various stages of being read. Clippy's end reflects-

Clippy's glowing red end. Glistens in the firelight. Oh no. I was like, why am I so apprehensive about this? Oh, right. Yeah. The head of a buck watching cautiously over all you turn around and the door of the cabin swings open and it bangs against the wall a dark mysterious man enters

a sensual fruity scent immediately curls from the figure and lingers within the air towards you creating a trail of passion this el elixir, this love potion, it is Minions. End of review. Do you know that I legitimately forgot what we were reading and then halfway through I vaguely remembered and then I forgot again and then, wow, it struck me. That's the bottle? That's the bottle.

It's literally just a Minion bottle. How did I not know this existed? I don't know, but I want it. Oh my God. A lot of people have marked it as want. Here's the thing. There's so much good content out there to be made on this shit. God, there are multiple Minion perfumes.

How? There's Minions Paradise. Minions by AirVal International. Minions Paradise for women. how there's minions paradise minions by air val international minions paradise hang on so people like took this and ran with it don't they have or did dreamworks just like agree with multiple i mean air val international also has angry birds uh perfume no come on uh spider-man perfume so maybe they actually got the licensing spongebob mickey do you think they retired the flappy bird perfume probably uh pokemon the bottle is center the bottle's the best it is right pokemon and the i don't know why pokemon weirds me out yeah and then minions are like yeah that's normal it literally says minions are a toilet oh yeah i don't know what to do with

myself right now finding dory oh my like wow it's it's kind of wild considering i kind of love this i know i want some i can't believe this exists thank you for bringing this into my life maddie i look forward to smelling like minions soon i don't know what's wrong with me except that like today i'm just getting really sucked into all this stuff like good i am just gotta keep this episode short then clippy thing this minions perfume there's just so much happening and i'm like overwhelmed okay i got a short one for you this is from goodness daniel he him and this actually was i think sent to a lot of us sent to a lot of us you and me both this was

sent to us by a lot of people and i think we were tagged about eight million times on twitter i'm pretty sure this is the one i'm remembering um but daniel even said sorry if this has been sent to you 100 times already but honestly Daniel, you got the credit. So good for you. Good job, Daniel. Proud of you. So this is a review of a restaurant and there's a response from owner. It's one star by Natasha.

I saw a rat whilst eating here. And then there's like a mask face, you know, and the response from owner says, that's called a mirror. I did see that. I love it. I know. mirror i did see that i love it i know i every time i read that i'm like wow that's just uh that's a tough one to rebound from you know that's so good it's so stupid short one my next one is uh is from claire she they who says, I definitely was not looking to illegally torrent the Sims when I came across this comment on a torrent website.

I mean, not been there. Have not been there. And here's their review. God, I used to love torrent websites. Remember when you taught me about torrent websites when I was in college? I just had that old Toshiba laptop and i went crazy yeah i still have a nice uh external drive full of just so many random tv shows

i literally downloaded jeopardy the cd-rom like that's the illegal activity i was doing in college i would i download i downloaded like i did freddy fish the original like fallout game and stuff i don't know i just thought it would be fun and it was i regret nothing um okay so for context uh they're gonna say seeding s-e-e-d-i-n-g a lot or mention something like that or a number of seeds that's like a way of showing popularity basically it's like you're telling me as if i don't know what this is i barely know understand i remember it from downloading freddy the fish because it was like nobody else wanted freddy yeah but then if you leave it going like you can stop the torn after torrenting

and if you leave it going then you're like, like, seeding it, and it's, like, sharing it, and, like... Yeah, I mean, I remember that concept vaguely. But yes, it is part of this whole torrenting business. So that's just the vague context I have. Here we go. This is for a download of The Sims. Why the fuck has this stupid shit been the top torrent of all video games for five fucking years? I never even heard about this game or seen it in any other media other than the fucking torrents list.

Why the fuck would anyone want to play The Sims in the first place? Who wants to tell their character to go and take a shit? That's the stupidest fucking thing in the world. What a waste of fucking time and space. When will there ever be a fucking game more popular than Take a Shit Simulator 5? I really don't fucking understand. There are games where you blow shit up. There are games where you build shit. There are games where you kill bad guys. And then there's the most popular game of all time, forever and ever until the end of time, Take a Shit Simulator. It's really frustrating and confusing to me. Good games come out,

like Resident Evil 2 Remake. Many thousands of seeds at one point, but it never caught up to Take a Shit Simulator. The Witcher 3 was a cultural phenomenon. Everybody was talking about it. YouTube videos about it with many millions of views. At one point, it had many thousands of seeds, but never caught up with Take a Shit Simulator. What the fuck? I'm sure the Final Fantasy VII remake is going to be huge, another cultural phenomenon that everybody will be talking about and playing, but I wonder if it will ever have as many seeds as Take a Shit Simulator. Makes me want to blow my fucking brains out what the fuck is wrong with you idiots end of review oh my god i am so heated right now this person's living under a rock or something this person is i don't know i don't even know i'm

here's the thing first of all yeah they've never heard of sims before except on a torrent website second of all obviously they must have heard something about sims because they seem to think they know what's going on in this game but they also don't because they say they also building they also don't complain that there are games where you build stuff it's like what do you think you do in the sims how do you think they have a bathroom? A toilet? You have to build it first. The doy.

I am so affronted, I think is the right word. I'm affronted by that review. I'm affronted by the anger. And by the... Audacity. Audacity. And the accusations hurled so aggressively and unnecessarily at one of my favorite games of all time so sad christina i'm sorry i'm about to torrent it even though i own it just to just to i don't know seeds up also why are they even so worried like

this means you can download other shit without like no it's faster that's the thing with seeding because it's fat the more seeds it has the faster it is for future people to download oh i thought it was the opposite way no wow okay remember when i said i already know what this is and then i knew you didn't oh well freddy fish downloaded pretty damn fast but whatever probably because freddy fish is like 10 megabytes. Yeah, that's true. Like, it's just a few pixels. Okay, I don't know.

I'm just like kind of turned topsy-turvy by that. It was a quite aggressive review. It was just so aggressive. And like, whatever. I love The Sims. Okay. So I have a review here from Rebecca, who says i was looking into getting a furbo you know this thing's a furbo yeah no it's the thing that shoots out dog treats and it has a

camera in it oh i got one for lisa for her birthday okay um that i don't get because i'm worried geo will have like some sort of a conniption if yeah he hears me talking over you know what I mean yeah um okay so sorry Rebecca says I was looking into getting a fur bow because my parents have one that they use to launch treats at their cats whenever they aren't home and I stumbled upon this gem review and this is a five star view verified purchase by Bowies in Space. And the title is, I've learned my dog is even lazier than I thought. I love being able to watch my pug literally just sleeping for seven hours a day. And my coworkers really enjoy the constant updates of me telling them where my pug is sleeping and forcing them to watch his small fawn body laying in the same spot.

I have learned that my cat must leave the house when I go to work because I never catch her on the camera. Maybe she has a job? It would be nice if she paid some rent. The treat shooting mechanism shoots small treats, which is fine for him. Well, maybe not for him because he'd prefer it shot pizza slices, but they're the proper size treats for a smaller dog. A larger dog would need the treats launched at them more often. The launching mechanism does make a motorized sound that might scare some dogs though mine doesn't hear it at all and also doesn't notice when the treats fly in his direction. He finds them later as if they just appeared there. Just remember to turn the camera off through the app when you get home because nothing is worse than accidentally opening the app and seeing yourself

blobbing on the sofa. Oh no of review and i i feel like i related to literally every line my lazy dog accidentally like when i'm when i have the baby monitor on i'm like oh my bald spot is showing on the camera 1600 people found this helpful i make it 1601 all right 1601 rebecca i hope you i hope it convinced you to get one that sounds amazing yeah if i had use for it i'd use it i'd get one yep trying to decide which one to use because this is gonna be my last one for today okay so i'm gonna do this one from hannah this is a review of naked gut Gut Daily Gut Health Supplement, Natural Gut Health Powder for Gut Cleanse,

Digestive Support, GMO-Free, Soy-Free, Certified Gluten-Free Vegan, and Hypoallergenic 40 Servings. Thank God. I was waiting for you to say gut again, and it didn't happen. Such a relief. It's a daily digestive health supplement with nothing to hide. Here's a five- health supplement with nothing to hide. Here's a five-star review titled Hallelujah. I put a scoop in my spinach smoothies and voila!

Healthy fudge dragons. I've always had stomach issues, runny number twos. This product really helps my biome. End of review. Oh my god! Fudge dragons. What is that? Those her poops no i didn't get it i know well hannah's email subject was what dragons i am so healthy fudge dragons that oh i thought that i was like oh is that the name of the smoothie

they're like with spinach smoothie and said i've always had stomach issues runny number twos this product really helps my biome i don't like it healthy fudge dragons i just that's why i wasn't sure about which one to end on oh my god and i think i did you know i was gonna let you just end the episode on that but i'm just gonna respond give me a response yeah i'm gonna respond with something okay this is from blue they them what a great name and blue says found this review on the app store and it made me think of you too okay so the app is called be real okay you and i use it yes uh i just talked lisa into using it i talked em into using it i invited eva i'm basically like spreading the good word about be real okay um it's just like you know how sometimes you take

a photo and it like comments like if you so basically the app be real is once a day at a random time during the day the app will prompt you to within the next two minutes take a photo of whatever you're doing in front of you and then it simultaneously takes a selfie so just you and your friends all post at the same time you can see what everyone's up to it sounds silly but it's kind of fun to just see like what everyone's doing i'm just i don't know like to see my friends all over the country it's like yeah i only i keep it just with people i've added so it's a small group that i can post and i feel bad because i've gotten some like requests because my username you know yeah but i'm like i just want to keep it you know like people i actually

personally know because i so but um anyway sometimes when it takes a selfie it'll make like a little comment on it okay oh yeah yeah it does that's right like like nice smile like bonus points for the smile exactly okay so this is a five star review and the title i can't see the whole thing. It's on the App Store, but the title says, Good but racially motivated. Let me read this. This app is actually good and funny. It's a good Gen Z version of Snapchat, and it's really genuine. Although this app may give you some comments about your face. Like, why are you in your bed at 4 p.m.?

Or open your eyes. Parentheses, I'm Asian. Smiley face with a tear drop. Oh, no. But other than that, great app. Who thought that was a good idea? I know. I've never seen that.

Why are you still in bed? That's so rude. I have not seen that. I have seen open your eyes. And that was like when I was closing my eyes. But the fact that it says, I mean. Whose idea was that? Yikes.

That's terrible. Why do they comment at all? Why is it like nobody? Oh, boy. Or like sometimes I'll show like part of my face and like something really cool behind me. And it's like, why are you hiding your face? I'm like, leave me alone, app. God, why are you yelling at me?

I mean, I haven't been doing it every day. I only do it if I'm feeling up for it. I have been doing it every single day for like three months and it shows you like your own calendar of all that it's really fun to like scroll through gaps in there for sure yeah some days i'm just i'm like no one needs to see me like this right now i know i know um so that was my final one thank you blue for sending that. It was like so sweet, but like big face palm. The developers probably should get on that. Oh, be real. Okay.

That's all I got. It sounds good. We've got another Between You and Us coming this month. Don't you worry. We're about to record it. Talk to you soon. Bye. Don't wezzle your way out. you