Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 4

Episode Date: May 13, 2019

Ghosts, choking, vampires... wait, what podcast is this again? Oh yeah, the one where we take the mask off of humanity and reveal its truest form. And in this episode, we're back to reading reviews sent in by our listeners! Come join us as we dive into our email inbox and read the best of the best. If you'd like to submit a funny review, email us at [e-mail] with "Between You And Us" in the subject line! Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, everybody. Welcome. Hey, everyone. It is time for the most special time of the month. It is that time of the month, my friends.

And we're here to make it a little better for you. We are doing our Between You and Us. Between You and Us. So get your panty liners out. Someone emailed us to be like, stop saying panties. And I'm like, we didn't. No, no, no. Someone asked, said specifically me to stop saying panties. And as we know about how this podcast goes, if you tell us to stop doing something, we're

going to do it hard. That's how we live our lives. Yeah. So I say panties so hard now. I don't think that you've ever said that on the show. You said panty liners, which is a totally different thing and i was reading a review too you weren't yeah you were literally reading someone else's words that's not a word that i is normally just in my like normal speech but um it is now i've decided to start saying moist as

often as possible on the show now so moist yeah wait what moist moist moist moist moist moist Moist? Wait, what? Moist? Moist. Moist. Moist. Moist, yes. Correct. Cool. So anyway, here we are. We're reading some reviews from you. Submitted by you guys. These are ones that you've emailed us with the subject line between you and us. And yeah, we love this. Before we start, I would like to say that we got another email from Theron. Oh, hi, Theron. Hi, Theron. He sent what he thinks should be the official Beach 2 Sandy Water 2 Wet rating scale. And it is quite funny. So, it lists what each star rating means, basically. So, five stars. it's not bad four stars i dislike this three stars i hate this thing and i am only doing this review so it stops asking

me to give feedback two stars i hated it but i had one specific thing that i liked and here's why one star i hated this and i want you to hate it too i want the whole world united in hate about this thing this was the worst thing i've ever experienced and i have had some seriously bad experiences in life you know i got kicked out of the house by my parents twice and this thing is the worst that's exactly right theron oh my god and that is uh from star wall i think on i don't know if tumblr or some other or some other site that I don't understand. So yes, thank you Theron for submitting that. I think that's pretty accurate. I'd say so. I like that.

And with that, we shall begin with reviews that you guys found on the internet. I have a one-star review. Great. This is from Allison. and Allison said that Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet brightens their day because she works in local search reviews for a living. Oh, my God. Yeah, which is fascinating to me. That must be tough.

So what they do is they notify clients when they get a review and then help them deal with advising the client on how to handle the reviews. That must be a tough job. So they write a response, try and contact, report it, etc. So that's interesting. So Allison knows what's up. Yeah, this is something they do for a living. Cool.

So that's pretty great. But anyway, so this is a review of one of her company's clients. It's a senior living facility. And yeah, it's a one-star review from Carolyn. I am an intuitive entertainer, and when I performed here, it felt like the place is haunted. A ghost kept messing with my music, turning it off. It was fine when I got home. Creepy feelings started the minute I got in the door and left when I did.

Creepy feelings started the minute I got in the door and left when I did. I've been to hundreds of facilities, and this one has the heaviest energy I've ever encountered. It needs a sacred space clearing. And a Ghostbuster! End of review. I swear to God. I swear to God. What is wrong with people?

I don't know. So, nothing against ghosts or believing ghosts. I have a ghost podcast and I find that to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. One star review based on that? Come on. Leave them alone. Come on. Maybe it's just sad elderly people.

Leave them alone. To be fair, when we volunteered at a facility like that, the energy was extremely heavy. Extremely low and extremely heavy. It was not a good experience. I don't know who the hell hired an intuitive entertainer, whatever the hell that means. What, like a psychic? I mean, geez. My band in like eighth grade, we performed, or maybe it was ninth grade, we performed at a senior center. That was fun. We got 50 a senior center. That was fun.

We got 50 bucks. I remember in eighth grade, we went to a senior living facility to help decorate pumpkins. And instead of using sharp tools, well, we had a couple sharp tools, but most of it was like sequins that we glued on. we had a couple sharp tools but most of it was like sequins that we glued on and the person renee was working with this woman took the sequin and renee was like why don't you glue it on and put glue on it and why don't you glue this onto the pumpkin you press it right here and the woman put it on her tongue and went, and then swallowed it. And Renee just scream cried for like 10 minutes. And then for the rest of the day, this other girl in my class, who I will not name, kept

screaming that Renee like choked someone with a sequin. It was really sad. God, what an experience. It was really sad. I want to read a one-star review about that. See, that's... God, what an experience. It was really sad. I want to read a one-star review about that. Renee's still traumatized by that lady putting the glue sequin on her tongue and going, blah. Yeah, that's pretty funny. It was terrifying.

When I'm that age, I want to do shit like that. Oh, absolutely. It was hilarious to see all these children screaming. And I'd haunt entertainers like Carolyn. Just turn off her stupid equipment. What equipment? I know, right? She had music? What was she doing? Intuitive entertainer. Anyway. Okay, my turn? Sure. I guess we're going with the macabre theme here. I have an email from Erica. Oh, and the Renee theme. So, Erica is a friend of Renee's at OSU Law School.

Hi, Erica. Hi, Erica. And she's the best. And so she said, Hi, Christine and Alex. This is Renee's friend Erica from law school. I've been listening to all of the Schieffer family podcasts since Christine came to visit Renee in Columbus last year. And I've loved every episode of Beach to Sandy. I was planning to fly under the radar

about being a Schieffer stan, so it wouldn't be weird when Christine comes back to visit, but I came across a review tonight that I couldn't stay quiet about. For context, we are throwing Renee a birthday party next week, so I was on a review tonight that I couldn't stay quiet about. For context, we are throwing Renee a birthday party next week, so I was on Amazon shopping around for fake blood. First of all, I just want to mention that Schieferstan is the name of our future country. Schieferstan.

Thank you for giving us that idea. TM, TM, TM. TM, TM. This is a five-star review by Jeff of some of some fake blood that erica purchased for renee's party i don't know what the hell they were doing with it but yeah i love i love that there's like no birthday party so obviously this is the context it was for a birthday so now you understand okay so this is jeff's review of some fake blood on amazon and it is a verified purchase, by the way. Subject is almost real. My friend is transitioning into a vampire after reading all those Twilight books.

She asked to suck my blood, but we're not that good of friends and that I want her sucking on my neck or arm. I promised I would get some in a hurry and I tricked her into drinking this. It looks real enough, but I was surprised when she drank the whole thing and wanted more. I said I was feeling faintish from donating so much already, and she would have to find another source. I dodged a bullet, I think, because I am thinking my friend has some issues. Honestly, the stuff looks very real, and the purchasing process was easy. And then Erica at the end says, Two people found this review helpful but i was

not one of them i hope you'll both forgive me for making you read it all my love erica and like i looked i was like i looked it up this guy purchased this product yeah and the um the description of this is vampire blood looks and flows like real blood incredible blood red color oh 16 it's a one pint of blood no one needs that description ever that's really disgusting never be something that anyone wrote it's disgusting so that's that i don't like it i do accept your apology erica but that was not something i needed no i feel very bad after that i hope you made renee drink a bunch of blood was that the party yeah that's i'm thinking i still don't even we still don't know what that hung up on twilight it all everything changed after that old lady ate a

sequin and renee just went off the deep end okay well i'm going a completely different direction now. Great. This is a review from Taylor. It's of a pho restaurant called Vietnam's Pho. Okay. This is in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The review is a one-star review from Nettie. Pot. No? Yeah, sure.

Nettie Pot? Yeah, I have one. I've never used it you i just bought one yeah uh-huh well we have one porcelain oh mine's fancy it's porcelain handmade only only the best for your sinuses my sinuses need a lot of help all right so here's neti pot's one-starstar review of Vietnam's pho in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Great. I was a very loyal regular to this restaurant until today, when my company and I ordered our phos, and they came without green bean sprouts. The waiter just left a dish of lemon and other plants without a word.

When we asked him where the sprouts were, he said they were out. Then the manager, who looked like the owner, approached and said they could not supply them anywhere today. When I asked who would have fuzz without the bean sprouts, he said we could order rice if we wanted. He said he was sorry for not having the sprouts in stock, when in fact what was wrong was that nobody at the restaurant cared to tell us they were out of one of the essential ingredients before we

ordered. There were no coupons or offers that could compensate for what we underwent. End of review. I'm so sorry for that person's coworkers. To me, I read this and I'm like, this is one of those reviews that I could never understand because sprouts are one of my least favorite things.

So, I read this and I'm like, I have to read this because... You don't like sprouts? I mean, I don't know. I'll eat it in pho. I'll eat it in like ramen and certain things. But like, they're not something that I seek out. A necessity. in like ramen and certain things but like they're not something that i seek out and necessity and to think that they are so necessary to pho like am i crazy to be so

you're looking at the wall as if like you're imagining what your pho would be like without sprouts as if it's like such a traumatic thing my blood pressure went up very high no um i do understand when people are like frustrated that they don't have an ingredient like bean sprouts if it's like such a traumatic thing my blood pressure went up very high no um i do understand when people are like frustrated that they don't have an ingredient like bean sprouts are pretty standard that come with it but like get over it who cares this is a long paragraph this manager came over to literally say sorry and you're like nothing can over nothing can compensate exactly and to say that you underwent something oh right for what we i hope this person never has to deal with anything very really traumatic because they're not going to survive it

no i do want to read their one-star reviews of those moments but we should find that person's profile yeah netty pot netty pittsburgh pennsylvania oh my god oh my goodness that's just the dumbest thing okay well uh thank you taylor thank you taylor was sad in pittsburgh because it was so cold but that was like a month ago so hopefully it's warmed up so you're doing i'll be there i'll be there this week oh that's exciting yeah um okay so i have a uh review that was sent in by scott and it is a review um of the headspace app in the samsung galaxy store oh that's the meditation one right it is i have used that i have that to meditate it's actually great um they also scott also says they're team lemon so thank you

um this is one of four reviews on the samsung samsung galaxy store of the headspace app four total four total wait like there are four total reviews and this is just one of them yes or five this is not a very popular are you reading five no okay so like that's actually how many people have reviewed it huh because i went to the actual link that yeah weird okay um so this is sent in by tink and then it cuts off the last two you mean scott sent it in but this is oh yeah sorry this is scott and then tink star star because they cut off the last two letters so you don't for anonymity i don't know it's tinkerbell it's tinkerbell okay review of the headspace app so wow didn't know this was another app that gave my boyfriend access to cheating and

lying and on my daughter's phone at that end of review oh my god the other ones are like great meditation app and then the oh i see one down further from ashley that just says i want the videos all free oh my god and then another review i'm just gonna read it just says lemon peel i don't know what i'm not joking i don't understand okay only one of these reviews actually makes any sort of sense to be honest what is going on the samsung galaxy store what's wrong with these people um yeah wow is there like some weird collaborative thing on headspace where you can meet local meditators i don't know i don't think so yeah four, four reviews total. Wow. And the person, Tinkerbell, gave five stars despite the cheating. Oh, what?

That was a five-star review? Mm-hmm. Weird. The only negative one was, I want the videos all free. Lemon Peel was a positive one? Uh-huh. Okay. Well, thank you for such a...

Illuminating. Illuminating experience. Thanks, Scott, for sending that in okay um that's that from scott thank you here is a review from amanda amanda says hey guys hey as a former cynic and now someone who currently doesn't give a fuck no they said give af. Give AF. Your show is perfect. Thanks for the laughter. Keep it up. Aw.

Here's a review of the Quip toothbrush. Okay. Are you familiar with it? I am. Promo code drink. God damn it. I'm serious. No, I believe you.

But I don't know anything about it. Blaze has one. Is it like, what's special about it? It's just an electric toothbrush, but it's a subscription. So like every three months they'll send you, and it doesn't have a base. Like it has batteries, so you don't need to like charge it on a thing. Okay. And you can just take it with you.

And also they send you replacement heads every three months. Oh, that's nice. Okay. Promo code drink. Try it out today. Oh oh my lord you're paying me for that one um so here's a review of quip there's no rating system no name but just text okay quip makes my toothpaste taste like the blood of murdered children. What? That is not true. I would like to put that out there. Quip, I did not say that. See, the problem is they bought that vampire blood on Amazon and thought it was toothpaste.

And now we're blaming Quip. But this review is just beginning. Want to sell a toothbrush for $49.99? Tip, don't get political. toothbrush for $49.99? Tip, don't get political. Very disgusting that what is supposed to be a high-end, expensive company

gets publicly political. We'll use a different company for my next electric toothbrush. No thanks, Quip. Lost me as a customer forever. What the fuck was that? Yep, and 14 people found this review helpful. What in the world are they

talking about is quip like what does it have to do with murdered children i don't understand oh we just googled it see i didn't google it beforehand holy shit so oh my i don't wait can you describe it i'm still trying to understand so ben, who, if you don't know who he is, don't bother looking him up. It's not worth your time. He apparently gave a speech at the March for Life, which is an anti-abortion march in Washington, D.C. Right. abortion march in Washington, D.C. Right. And apparently he gave a speech that was all over the place, and it included an ad for Quip toothbrushes. An ad?

Yes. Uh-oh. Maybe we should delete my ad. Because apparently they were advertising on his podcast. Oh, Quip. And so then here's Quip's response. Okay. Our mission is to make good oral health more accessible to everyone,

and podcast advertising is one way we're able to realize this. However, following one of our ads being right in a venue we did not endorse, we have chosen to discontinue our advertising relationship with this show we are also taking steps to ensure all of our advertising partners are aligned with our oral health mission and values okay at least they fucking backtracked yeah um and i love though how this person gave this review saying how dare you get political when literally they weren't getting political they wanted to get away from the politics of Ben Shapiro. Oh, so they said this tastes like the blood of murdered children.

Yes. Now it makes sense. Now it's another level of crazy. So are they pro-life? The person writing the review? Yes. Oh, okay. I get it.

They're being anti-quip now because they dropped Ben Shapiro because they dropped ben shapiro okay yeah by removing them okay i'm sorry that took me a minute yes i understand this is a wild story i had no freaking clue meanwhile here i am going bye quip to be fair they did not ask to be mentioned in this venue or arena either so yeah we'll see if they stop advertising with me oh this is a very political show we have here highly political yeah highly divisive um so okay well that was a weird turn of events yeah i guess that was fun i have another one here let's do that okay uh hi alex and christine so this is from lisa um a couple days ago i came across what is probably one of the most dramatic book reviews i've ever seen i feel like he and the guy trying to sell his zine at the comic book store what do we call him again top hat guy oh yeah that was a

weirdo that guy was weird there's so many weirdos since then though i know that's okay it feels like forever i feel like monty was the og and then though i know that's okay it feels like forever i feel like monty was the og and then it just got progressively worse and we were like oh this guy's so weird monty but now we just crave more monty like reviews because it was so good yeah um there's a monty shaped hole in my heart so lisa uh she says i feel like he and the guy trying to sell his zine at the comic book store would really get along so here it is it is a review of lord of the rings books one through three oh all of them wait are there more than three i don't know yeah i think i don't think

it's a trilogy isn't it a trilogy and then there's a Hobbit. And then the Samalabababa. Okay. Samalacron. No, I don't know what it's called. Okay, yeah. Don't add us about that. Sorry. Okay.

This is MJ's review of Lord of the Rings 1 through 3. Those books that balloon into virulent, lethal pop culture viruses that feast on disinterested bystanders. You try to flee them by hiding in a disused warehouse under a soiled mattress in the Democratic Republic of Congo. But Frodo and his friends will find you eventually and pull you into their lair of medieval gimps called Bilbo and Bongo on an implausibly long and homoerotic quest for a misplaced ring. Did they look behind the sofa? Under the fridge? This whole quest could have been avoided. But here's what I resent about Lord of the Rings. I have been physically, cosmically unable to avoid it. And that hurts. One thing i pride in life is my ability to avoid

participating in popular culture in its many tentacled forms oh stop since the creation of dungeons and dragons and the games it spawned i have been on countless pointless quests for rings how many rings did i pick up in sonic the Hedgehog? Millions. What? You're a true pro. That's just a brag. Yeah, come on. Computer programmers adopted this book as their Bible. That's very rude. Computer programmers adopted this book

as their Bible, and the subsequent two decades of game innovation, which I addictively participated in, took their, quote, plot templates from Token. When i left this world a series of blockbusting films filled up the media pipes like fast acting carbon monoxide being pumped into my front room year after year as the endless insufferable saga to find a missing fucking ring droned on and on infecting comedies dramas films and books with reference after

reference after reference how dare you lord of Rings, invade my cultural happy place so brutally, you ubiquitous beardy bastard. Why can't you leave me alone? Your ubiquity has devalued any artistic merit the books might have had for me completely. Happy now? End of review. Not at all. No, very unhappy. I don't think I'll ever be happy again. Very unhappy. Now that I know this person is in the world

excuse me i mean why why okay does anyone actually listen to that or read that review and they're like nodding their head like yeah this guy gets it probably how another guy probably zine guy that is the most cynical thing i've ever heard oh here we here we go. He's, uh, I have his profile here. Um, he's read 1,751 books. Oh, no. Um, his favorite books are Unconventional, Experimental, Postmodern, Innovative, Picarosc, Victorian, and everything else. This is his About Me.

Dysphoric novelist and serial spatchcocker my novels include the house of writers the 1000 second book to read before you die and the forthcoming scotland before the bomb could you imagine like describing yourself as a spatchcocker and like thinking that's like he is from england a good thing to do oh wait i'm sorry he's not from england he's from scotland oh don't tell anyone i said that i'm sorry i'm sorry um spatchcocker so how to spatchcock a chicken by martha stewart is what came up yeah the theory is that the word is an abbreviation of dispatch the cock a phrase used to indicate a summary way of grilling a bird after splitting it open down the back and spreading the two halves out flat cute yeah well dispatch the cock that's very

relatable actually let's leave this guy in the dust because that's just freaking mj i get it stop i hate it. Okay. Um, cool. So thank you for that, Lisa. Do you have another one? No, I'm out. Oh, really? Yeah.

We did four. Oh, wait, did we? Why do I have one more? I don't know. My bad. Can I read it? Go for it. It's really short and it's my favorite one.

Oh, good. So far. Yeah. Let's cause that one, Lisa, I really did appreciate it. I'm glad we had that experience. This one's just more light-hearted let's put it that way you can't end on it yeah um so this is from Hunter she her uh Hunter says I just finished listening to Between You and Us episode 2 decided to email this review uh here we go it's a link to Amazon and the product is called My Lucky Troll from Israel. Parentheses, pink hair.

Now I'm going to show you a picture of this thing. It is a little... Oh, it's a troll doll. It's a troll doll with pink hair. Yeah. Oh my God. With a shirt that's the Israeli flag. Yes. Incredible.

That is correct. And it's holding a book called Trolls Around the World. That is so cute. I know, it is precious. So, a little Israeli Lucky Troll doll. Now, there's only one customer review. Three stars. By Irene.

Verified purchase. The doll itself is okay, but it is only four inches tall, not six inches, as it... But it is only four inches tall, not six inches, as it said in the description. It was a disappointment because I was looking specifically for the six inch female troll to match my existing troll. Now, instead of a happy troll family with two kids, I still have a single troll father, but now with three kids. End of review. Okay, that is actually kind of sweet i like i kind of like that like i know it sounds like like a crazy person but i respect that and honestly

if it was false advertising like that i would understand especially if you want to make a troll family oh my god the other things they review are paranormal romance book series i love this person irene is the best okay i love oh my god also she reviewed a doctor who season five and the subject is not my doctor okay i oh my god tell me she reviewed something called misconception oh uh it looks like a movie i don't know two stars boring and stupid that was nice though to only do uh two stars you know oh my god this is so good cats undercover volume two all right listen this is the best i don't know what's going on but i like it i do too um i'm wondering like if are all the the is a troll family are they all wearing the same shirt i'm trying to figure that out if they're all from israel or if they're like

multicultural family yeah um but i can't seem to find any more troll reviews which is what i was looking for one thing i do want to mention is how much i love the trolls movie um ali made me watch it and i was like i can't believe i have to watch this i freaking loved it have you heard of the my favorite podcast? The McElroy Brothers will be in Trolls 2. Yes, and they manifested it and it happened. Yep. Yeah, I am proud of them for that.

But yeah, that movie just blew my mind. Well. Anyway. One of them just says, my daughter hates it. God. What a funny thing to reveal. Troll dolls. I love it.

All right. Well, thank you, everyone, for listening. If you'd like to check us out anywhere else, you can follow us on social media at Beach2Sandy. You can also watch our insane YouTube videos. Oh, yeah. We're putting up more of those as we go along. We have gosh, ridiculous videos at youtube.com slash c slash beach2sandy. If you'd like to support us, you can buy our merch at shop.spreadshirt.com slash beach2sandy or support us on Patreon at patreon.com slash beach2sandy. We'd really appreciate it. Thank you everyone who sent in

reviews. Keep them coming. Just be sure to include Between You and Us in the subject and send those reviews on to beach2sandy at gmail.com. Thank you, guys. Thanks so much, everyone. Bye. Bye.