Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 40

Episode Date: September 30, 2022

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. This episode is brought to you by Fidelity Investments Canada. Make investing simple. Fidelity's all-in-one ETFs are designed to do just that. In fact, Fidelity does the heavy lifting, including rebalancing these ETFs to help navigate changing market conditions. Visit fidelity.ca slash all in one. Getting closer to your goals could start today. Commissions, fees, and expenses may apply. Read the funds or ETFs prospectus before investing. Funds and ETFs are not guaranteed. Their values change and past performance may not be repeated. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think.

Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the Between You and Us edition for September 2022. We read emails that you sent in to us at beachtousenny at gmail.com with reviews in them that you found on the internet. Yay. That's exactly what it is. I spent all night and today preparing for our bonus episode, which we released on Patreon, where it was kind of a free-for-all of reviews so i am just here to hope that whatever i have in this folder will be full of hilarity okay i'll go first then okay great um so you have a little bit of time to prepare my first one comes from

stephanie who sent a review of the dmv in phoenix arizona okay this is a one star review by nathan there is a woman and her name is lisa she looks like an angry lizard be careful don't go near her end of review you'll know it when you see it the funny thing is i bet no offense to lisa but if i went to this dmv i might be able to say yep i know exactly who this person's talking about oh lisa oh lisa never mind that's so stupid never mind that's pretty good actually um wow wow wow wow that was good uh i feel like any dmv review you never know what to expect those people are always looking for something to complain about at a dmv and there's plenty to complain about don't get me wrong so when you find a good one you find a good one um okay i have

one here this was from uh amanda who wrote hi kid Hi. I found these odd reviews for the Denver FBI. Something weird is going on for sure. So there are several reviews. I'm going to read all of them because they're really short and kind of go back and forth. I hope it mentions Blucifer. You know. They don't. You'll find out.

They don't. You're like, all right. You know, I don't know. Spoiler alert. They don't. Here's a five-star review by Marie from two years ago. They have amazing breadsticks. 27 people found this helpful.

Here's a review from four years ago by Lyndon. Five stars. At least the breadsticks tasted good. Yummy food. Best fried ice cream ever. 15 people found this helpful. Here's a three-star review by Katie from nine months ago. Went there to meet my webcam agent, but instead they asked for my reservation.

Shaking my head. I got seated at a nice table by the window and was tended to by the server very quickly. The breadsticks were very good, but the water was somewhat dry. A good and cheap place to get food will recommend to others. There's some sort of joke that I'm not getting. There's something you're not that I'm not getting. There's something you're not getting. Are you getting it? No, I don't think so.

What I'm wondering is maybe it was a former FBI office that's still listed and it's now an Olive Garden? Oh my god, Olive Garden. It must be. And here's the final one. Five stars. Five months ago. After all of these raving reviews, I'm really considering bringing my family here for a meal or two. I'm shocked more people don't know about how

delicious the food here is. So, it must be. Like, it must have at least, or used to be, an Olive Garden or something. Yeah, there's gotta be something. Okay, so that was a weird one. That was so strange, though. That made me feel weird. The moment you said breadsticks,

I thought, is that? I'm glad you thought of that because i have too slow to even have picked up on that but um yeah breadsticks i mean it's the most logical explanation is that it's somehow related to an olive it's gotta be okay your turn my next one comes from nina she her uh nina has sent in well said after listening to a recent episode of and that's why we drink there was a lot of mention of law and order and not not the concept but the show i'm sure yes nina kept it not did not capitalize it so at first when i read the email i thought uh-oh what the hell were they talking about the way you said it too like law and order it sounded like we were very specifically discussing those topics which technically we do um but probably not in the smartest way you've ever heard oh

then she said uh this one i found on amazon from oh wait no this one is from IMDB of Law & Order. This one I'm going to read. It's a 1 out of 10. Uh-oh. From this year, January 2022. Did you see that there's a Law & Order crossover event where it's all Law & Orders and a special 2-hour, 3-hour event? No, I didn't see that. They're all coming together for a case. If I were a fan, I feel like I would be this is like the very excited um but yeah i also saw some uh notes about how

law and order is very uh a lot of nice propaganda you know in there i mean yeah which is probably true most crime shows i think maybe one of the things we discussed on and that's where I drink was like how great the show is. But also like if you watch the early seasons, it's so upsetting because there's so much shit where you're like, they were allowed to say that on TV in the 90s. Oh yeah, they could say anything they wanted. Oh man.

Well, anyway, here's... Slurs, let's just put it that way. This is a, this one star review has nothing to do with the with that kind of content. Oh, okay. Here we go. The actress with the huge ears needs to wear her hair over them instead of pulling her hair back to shove her huge Dumbo ears in everyone's faces. I have seen her with her hair down, and she is very pretty and talented.

But to pull her hair back with those huge ears is offensive and unnecessary. When she is on any episode, I don't watch it. I find it very offensive to shove her huge ears in our faces. It's a mentality of love me ugly. No, thank you. I'll pass. End of review. Isn't that absolutely awful?

Oh my god. As I chuckle as I say that. It's offensive. Isn't that absolutely awful? Oh my god. As I chuckle as I say that. It's offensive. But it was so shocking. It's offensive. I like how they clearly have no qualms with the slurs used on the show. No, exactly. That's what I said.

Very different content. Oh my god. That's alarming. I'm stunned. It is shocking no also like talking about big years what's his face munch yeah true i thought i was like wait who were they talking about because then i think big years on law and order that's who i think i don't even know i'm not that i've watched it in years so i don't know who's on it but i also don't want to be like, oh, yeah, it's definitely this woman.

Right. But I don't know. I was curious, so I went through some photos and I didn't notice anything. I like how maybe she had her hair down because when she has her hair down, you'd never know how offensive her face is. Oh, thank God the hair is down and not behind the ears. I love how they're like, oh, she's really attractive with her hair down. And then she put her hair up and it was like alarm bells. Her beauty just vanishes like this person seems to just have a negative thing with ears because i can't imagine

the ears being that much of a detractor there's no way it's so silly it's so rude the first i'm hearing of it yeah um wow well that's anyway horribly offensive great you're welcome okay so let's see what i've got for you oh you know what i'm gonna do tell me i'm gonna read the one from olga s that i was gonna read last time but i didn't want to end on a downer okay remember do you remember olga s yes oh good okay so this is um the final one that uh abby she her sent in of olga s so i'm going to read that and we'll be done with Olga S. for good, at least for now. Okay. One star. This is of Grand Asia Market in Raleigh, North Carolina.

What can be nicer than Asian market on Sunday? Full of noise, smells, life slithering in every corner. We all want to experience exotic shopping from time to time. Look in the eye of unknown fruit and get excited over ripe tangerines freed from plastic prison into abundance of overflowing wooden carts. I mean, she's not wrong. We all want that, right? No. No, just me. Just you. Slithering in the corner however there is a price for everything and you can get ripped off like any disoriented

infatuated tourist fish department the kingdom of its own run by look-alike fishermen okay what offensive or should i say pirates no you shouldn't you shouldn't say any of this i don't know what's happening you should probably not say anything and just be quiet vulga um when my river fish loving mom asked for three moderately priced slices of carp and immediately got discouraging looks and grunts from a clerk too many bones no good. When my mom pointed to perch, our fish mentor made a noise of a rapidly departing train. That's so specific. Are you a fishmonger? I didn't know. This episode is brought to you by Fidelity Investments Canada. Make investing simple.

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A rapidly departing train, fiery scoff of despair. Really? Perch? Bones! Then me, good daughter, jumped to mom's rescue from bony, cheap river fish, which my mom actually ate all of her life. I got promptly moved to more expensive ocean fish, whole with its cloudy dead eyes and frail tails. I ordered one moderately sized flounder and much smaller grouper. Man seized the fish and proceeded with filet while we waited by the refrigerator with unbeheaded chickens. Uh-oh. Unbeheaded. Unbeheaded? Is that how you look at chickens? Whether or not they're... That's just a nugget waiting to happen.

It's unbeheaded. That's horrifying. Then he swiftly came out, proud and messy like in Hemingway's story, and handed us $30 worth of fish. We went and paid and said thank you and went home after taking a pic with dramatic plastic cherry blossoms at the entrance. When I came home, I heard my mom quietly crying in the kitchen. What? Sorry, I don't know. I really don't. When I came home, I heard my mom quietly crying in the kitchen directly into the sink with the fish making the sink water salty like oh

she's crying into the sink this is something this is a tale i hadn't read this part i just skimmed in was like i'm gonna read this but I don't remember this part making the sink water salty like ocean in despair she showed me the fish previously disguised by ice it was thin fish slices uneven and torn like paper filleting turned gorgeous ocean delicatessen into pitiful pink flesh enough to feed one small cat maybe and not for long. The other slice was just as small. I shrugged shoulders. Some magical fish surgery was apparently taking place behind the counter, cutting weight in half. My mom is old country, so she thinks they take part of it home because Hemingway heroes struck her as underpaid.

I, however, think that something dishonest is happening in between weighing fish and them filleting it to nothing it ended up costing more than whole foods best fish also i can't stop thinking about what is so fundamentally wrong with perch especially if you sell it end of review and then there's a photo which by the way she said it was 24 in the photo and she did say it was 30 in that so there's a little discrepancy here also they're holding up full it's gross fillets of fish they look pretty normal to me yeah just two sandwiches they're holding up two fillets uh i don't know i mean i don't know if it's worth crying about but i guess i'm not not. How else are you going to make it all salty? I'm not a river fish loving mom. This is so very condescending to every single person.

Yeah. I feel like I felt like I was being condescended to hearing this. I felt like the mother was being condescended to. Even the mother, like she's crying into the sink. I mean, Jesus, leave her alone. And literally everyone at this market was condescending and everyone who had a hand in it. Weird, like dystopian characters from some sort of like Dickens novel. Yeah.

Oh, he's underpaid and he looks like he is, but also he's a scammer. A lot of it is just very. Very troubling. Troubling. And, you know, the last reviews reviews i read if you don't remember folks were of a gym because when she forgot her id but but she was pregnant so how could you expect her to carry it um i forget the other one but it was just as messed up oh it was oh my god i think she threw the shoes away yes yes yes definitely in the recycling bin and then they recycled them

okay anyway so that's that thank you abby um i'm now removing this email from this folder so i don't ask who's abby who sent him in olga is the reviewer oh i see so abby thank you for like sending this in 80 times so that i finally read it i'm taking it out of the folder so i don't accidentally read it read it again in a future episode you're done you know what it's happened my next one uh is from jenny actually i have two so but i'll do just one first uh and these are both of uh the dutch apple dinner theater in lancaster pennsylvania i don't know what it is but i love it already uh it's a dinner theater. Oh. You know, with Dutch apples.

I saw somebody recommend dinner theaters as a theme recently. So did Jenny. Jenny did as well. Oh, maybe that's where I saw it. No, I think I've seen it as well. But I think that would be a very fun. I think so too. So many things to go wrong at a dinner theater.

Isn't Lancaster also where there are a lot of Amish folks nearby? I believe so. I think that's that's my yeah understanding yes okay good but uh yeah so it's uh a dinner theater i've only been to one dinner theater and that was that place in la that we went to oh wait then maybe i've gone twice um but yeah you get dinner and there's a show and there's dinner on a show stage and uh in our case they kind of walked around the audience that was in the at the tables and it was kind of what show was somewhat interactive

i don't know i thought so was that with janet marie yes i remember that but i don't remember what we were watching i have no idea anyway it doesn't matter it doesn't matter here is an example of what one might find uh one Star Review. This is by Kevin. Went there with a church group thinking it was something different. And yes, we were warned about Rock of Ages. Complete garbage. And our tour bus and another

left after the first act. Having a hard time praying for them when they've chosen their destination. Food was decent and waitstaff attentive, but understaffed will never return. End of review. You know, I put in all this work to pray for you, and I don't even know if you deserve it. It's so rude. Okay, all I have today, apparently, are just like really rude, not nice reviews.

I mean, to say you're not worth praying for or you're very difficult to pray for is uh that's that hurts man that's low also are they talking about the drivers or the bus drivers no they're talking about the people the rock of ages performers because they said they know their destination and i was like well clearly not because they just kind of left um no they think that uh they're on the street everyone's going to hell straight path to hell that's part of this dinner theater sure as most people in theater probably uh i mean fair yeah sure you know what that's where all i want to be then i was gonna say i've tried to be a theater kid for so long and i've never made it never quite made it in so just on the outskirts um i like to consider myself uh kind of a half-assed theater kid. Like a, what do you call it?

An honorary theater kid. Oh, okay. Because I never really was quite accepted into actually being part of the theater part of the theater kids. I'm afraid of theater stuff. Yeah. I was, third grade was the stink bug. You were. Recently found the script for.

We should redo the stink bug. Now that's a 200th episode. Now that's a dinner theater. That's a dinner. Come on. Can we do that? Just you and I doing the whole stink bug play? There are songs, people.

Oh, yeah. And I say, I know I'm not the sweetest thing to ever grace your nose, but what am I to do for lunch? Go hungry, I suppose? That's what Alexander says every time we go to a non-vegan restaurant what am i to do for lunch give it up um yeah and i'll mutter the lines as you talk the world's worst understudy i'm just like waiting to jump in in case you forget your lines um i think that would be a blast let's reenact it for for no reason except for our own sake love it i'm i'm down okay great this is a

review sent in by sydney um who kept it short and sweet just attached the photo and this is a one star review with a seller response and it's a one star review of these shoes i don't really know much about shoes you know more than i do contigrip m and s contigrip i don't really know much about shoes. You know more than I do. Contagrip? M&S Contagrip? I don't know. Sounds like something with toes. Yeah, they're not. For gripping. It doesn't have toes, thankfully.

But they zoomed in on the laces, and they're kind of all scraggly. And they wrote... Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis.

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Exclude Egg BLT McMuffin. At participating McDonald's in Canada, prices exclude delivery. One star. Not original. Fake. Poor product quality. Poor service by seller. Delivery time below expectation.

And here's the seller response. Hee hee. No response. Just says, hee hee. Amazing. Amazing. They're like, gotcha. Yeah, that definitely feels uh like an admission of guilt yeah yeah they're like i have nothing

better to say that's amazing oh it's beautiful that's how i respond to people all right my last one also from uh jen Jenny and of the Dutch Apple Diner. Oh, Dutch Apple Diner. Dutch Apple Dinner Theater. Did you say, oh, wait? I said, oh, yeah, because I forgot you had two of those places. Yes, so that's my last one. This is a one-star review.

This is by Betsy. The lead for Annie was a disaster. Nasal screech and no vocal range was the low light of the evening. The child was not the quality performer that Dutch Apple usually recruits. Shouting and not singing was evident from the opening song, Maybe, in the most annoying Fran Drescher New York nasal tones from the Nanny Show in the 90s. Yeah, we've heard of it.

Thank you for bringing it up multiple times, including the name of the main character. The main character's name? Isn't Fran Drescher the actor's name? Oh, maybe. Sorry. You just know her as the nanny, so you're like, that's the main character's name. Not all I meant. The main character's name, the actor's name.

Got it, got it. You know what I mean. Okay. Very tepid applause after song and a lot of whispering confirmed the audience was unimpressed with the vocal quality of the lead annie horrible choice by the director and it was rumored that it was his daughter yes his daughter there are two casts for this show good luck small tables friendly staff end of review that is lancaster nepotism at its finest and what jenny says and i agree with keep in mind here annie is a child and this

reviewer mentioned that hello many times they mentioned terrible yeah and uh i don't know if they were whispering at the bad performance so much as you muttering under your breath lady and trying to sing along the understudy she's just trying to get in on it oh true this seems a jealousy thing yeah didn't get that role back in the day she's not the director's daughter yeah man that's that's cruel it's especially cruel to talk about a child in that way i'm sorry um and leaving a one-star for the entire business because of one child i terrible oh i feel like if you're going to also the comment of like they usually recruit much higher caliber children sounds really disturbing to me okay let's see all right so the last one i have is from Madeline Sheher, who says, I'm originally from Cincinnati,

have a lot of German heritage, and I'm currently doing an internship in the middle of nowhere PA. Lancaster, perhaps? Oh, my God. Her photo is her in a red wig. Oh, no. Don't let her listen to the episode. That would be sad.

Was looking up a pub a co-worker recommended um and had to send it in because i've never encountered a review like this in the wild so here is the review it's a place called ohio pile house cafe oh dear what is an ohio pile i don't know but it's spelled p-y-l-e oh pile okay and it's one word, Ohio pile. Ohio pile is one word? Yeah. When you said one word, I thought you meant pile house was one word, not Ohio pile. House cafe. The heck is that?

I don't know, Zandy. It's a state park. It's a borough in Pennsylvania. Oh, it's a place. I see. It's a place in Pennsylvania. I see. I see.

Wild. Well. Anyway. Here's a review. in Pennsylvania. I see, I see. Wild. Well, anyway. Here's a review. This is a review by Gerald, who's an Elite 22. Yes, he is.

One star. You know how people on Yelp make the claim, if I could give it a zero, I would? Yes, we do. Trust me. Ever heard of it?

They should come here. This was probably the worst experience I have had in 2022. We stopped here while in the area on Memorial Day. The whole town was busy with tourists and people getting away, but this place truly was in over their heads. We came here for an advertised Bloody Mary that had a bunch of toppings, et cetera, on it. I bet you can't guess what happened. Am I supposed to try? You know, I thought maybe you might. You really don't have to.

I can't. So, okay. The only things I know about Bloody Mary and toppings, do they get charged a lot for these toppings? I don't know. Never mind. My brain's not working today. I'll be honest. It's not going to shock you or anyone. And honestly, I already forget because it's really not that interesting. But they really did frame it as this will upend your understanding of reality as you know it. First and foremost, there's a wing shack outside where people order and then an inside area bar where people order. Since I didn't see any mention of regular food, we went to the inside bar to order where there were paper menus after a long wait

because there was only one girl taking food orders while two other people behind the bar did little to nothing there was a wait we were then told the advertised bloody mary was only on certain days but the special one today had to be ordered at the wing shack outside but they sell out immediately okay i ordered a steak sandwich with sweet potato fries and a sierra mist why they were out of diet pepsi they were out of regular pepsi they're like why as if like we're asking yeah don't even worry i have an answer i'm gonna tell you why i ordered a sierra mist yeah the lot the thought process is long and complex also i did not expect this to

be the thing that happened no you're right bloody mary's because who would who would who would have guessed that they sold out okay that they you have to order it at the wing shack outside can't believe i didn't guess that i know it's hard to believe we as we think we're no we're no elites but we do think we know a thing or two about Yelp. But we might be wrong because I didn't see that coming. Me neither. And I've read this before, as I mentioned. Then we were instructed to go up on the deck and simmer in the 90 degree shade.

Go simmer. In the shade, though. Simmer in the shade. And wait for our buzzer to buzz. As time passed and people I saw order after us got their food over and over, I decided to ask just what in the world was the issue. The girl at the window said, you got a burger, right? No. Oh, then it should be out soon.

Sorry. 40 minutes. 40. Then I get my meal. And I probably could have scrounged up more steak at a vegan grocery store than what was on my bun. That's a pretty good line, I think. That is, but... What am I gonna do?

What's your song? Go hungry, I suppose? Yeah. I know I'm not the sweetest thing that ever graced your nose, but what am I to do for lunch? Go hungry, I suppose. Yay, yay. Then I get my meal and I probably could have scrounged up more steak at a vegan grocery store than what was on my bun. I'm sorry, artisan roll.

At the very least, the sweet potato fries were standard. I barely ate half and threw it away and decided I had enough fun there for a lifetime. So wait, wait, wait. Wasn't enough meat, but you still only ate half of it. I ate half of it and threw it away. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe the artisan role didn't live up to their expectations.

I'm not sure. $43 bill for 45 minutes of pure suffering. How is a business are you that unprepared? No drinks? Out of your special immediately? Refills are warm cans and not even what you ordered? Brutal. I probably wouldn't ever try this place again,

but hope you have a better experience. Jeez. End of review. It was brutal. I'll pray for you, even though you don't deserve it. You already chose your destination. That was so alarming. That was scary. I think that for you, even though you don't deserve it. You already chose your destination. That was so alarming. That was scary. I think that's going to live in the back of my mind for the rest of time.

I feel I need to use that. You already know your destination. In my real life. It's so chilling. Anyway, so thank you to Maddie, who is, by the way, a newer listener. Oh. Yeah, who said, long-time listener of Enough to Drink recently got into Beach to Sandy, so thank

you. It's about time. Maddie, I know, it's about time. How many times do I have to tell you about it on the podcast to convert you? Never enough. Never enough. So thank you for sending that in. And I'm going to remove it so that I don't have this problem of thinking I haven't read it yet.

Yeah, delete that email. Delete it. Get rid of it. No, I don't delete this problem of thinking I haven't read it yet. Yeah. Delete that email. Delete it. No, I don't delete it. I archive it. But again, as I've told you before, I don't know where those go and I don't know how to find them. So I might as well be deleting them in spirit. Might as well.

Yeah. Bye. Thanks, everyone. If you'd like to send us an email, bshusani at gmail.com, we might read your reviews that you send in next week, next month. Honestly? Not next week. Could you imagine how wonderful that would be for you? At first I thought you meant me, and then I realized, oh, no, you're just being mean.

I'm just being an asshole. Okay. Bye. See you then.