Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 8

Episode Date: September 9, 2019

If you’ve ever read the name of our podcast and thought to yourself, "No one would ever complain that their water is too wet..." then boy do we have the episode for you! This week we read reviews sent in by YOU and this week's includes one with that very complaint. Oh and Christine improvises a limerick and Alex speaks in tongues... so your average episode from us.  Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy to fulfill our dream of chatting with you live on video.  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, mrthenoronha, and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. It's time for our new monthly episode. Yeah, new Between You and Us episode, where we read your reviews that you sent in to us. About crazy people on the internet. That you saw and were like, hmm, I would love to hear my favorite podcasters read this review in

their own voices. Or you saw it and thought, I refuse to be the only one who suffers through reading this alone. True. And therefore, I will force it upon other people's eyes and ears. Or you thought, I need some attention from two podcasters. Who also need a lot of attention. Who need more.

Look at that. It all comes full circle. We don't judge. So we do judge. That's kind of the point of the show. But we don't judge you. Yes, we judge these judgy judgers, but not the judgers who are judging the judgy judgers. Exactly.

I've never heard it said so succinctly. Thank you. So who's's gonna go first i'll throw one out there okay from elena elena says hi hi and some other stuff great um elena lives about half a mile from or work sorry works about half a mile away from a chick-fil-a love it and so sent in a couple reviews. So I have two short ones that I'm going to read here. Super.

I have a Chick-fil-A one, too, so this should be quite a food-based episode. Well, the first one is a one-star review. Tommy sucks. End of review. Oh, why do people always target these individual employees? It's so sad. I like to picture they're all high schoolers, and they're just in little feuds and sp spats and someone stole someone's significant other.

It doesn't really matter that much. Let's hope. Like it's just something a little like tame, harmless. So here's one from Roy. Also one star. If you are going to fly the American flag, go back to school and learn flag etiquette. And I don't like the food. End of review.

Wait, wait. What school did you go to, sir? I was wondering the same thing. Roy. Roy, what school did you go to? Because unless it's like West Point, I don't really understand where you learned all this flag etiquette. I mean, technically in our middle school you have like everyone at some point had to put the flag up and i think you learned how

to take it down and fold it i don't remember that at all why would you remember that maybe i should go back to middle school like roy suggested um maybe we can write a a little book about this what flag etiquette book what etiquette do you think they broke? Maybe the flag touched the ground. Oh, God. Maybe they draped it over their shoulders because you're not supposed to wear the flag. Maybe they turned it into a beach towel and laid on it. Maybe they lit it on fire.

Oh, that could be. That might have been it. Maybe they deep fried it. Okay, I have a review sent in by Jennyny and the subject of this really got me good so uh i i was intrigued uh it's a very actually he was sent in yesterday so very recent um jenny says uh after visiting a hostel for a concert out of town i I thought I'd check some reviews on hostels. This one is from San Francisco. Hope you enjoy. So, um, it is a review of a hostel in San Francisco. It is a one-star review on TripAdvisor by Rick. When I went this hostel, some old man in underwear was

looking at me funny and it made me feel unsafe then when i was sleeping he was at my bedside petting my shoe and now he's in my dreams but overall it was a pretty good trip oh my god end of review i'm very unnerved by this one i i as well um i didn't know that anyone had written a review about me stop it you didn't know you had been caught yeah red handed shoe handed so they were petting the shoe okay weird did they report this or did they just wait to write a review about this they reported this on trip advisor oh but they didn't like say something eight people found it helpful okay so that means nothing to me made a dent made a dent in people who probably were not gonna go there anyway and literally it says room tip because you can add like different things room tip don't come here please the old guy will look at you oh my god

makes it sound like it's an employee so frightening i know he's there all the time maybe it is maybe it is well if he's in his dreams maybe it really is just like an ever present spirit oh god he likes to pet your shoe let's really hope not let's write i feel like we should write a limerick about it there once was a man with a shoe he pet it while looking at you i awoke from a dream in which he as it seems were playing with me peekaboo oh god okay i thought should i jump in no she's got this she did she nailed it oh i don't wow this is almost as bad as the time i tried to sing where where is my little doggone classic about an applebee's classic classic beach too sandy moment anyway thank you jenny thank you j Jenny, for introducing us to the man. For that terror. Who will be in my dreams tonight.

Your turn. My next review is from... Oh, I don't know how to say this. What? It's spelled A-G-N-E. Anya? Anya, probably. Yeah, that sounds pretty good.

Anya. Or, yes. Or Agne. You know what? A. How about A? Okay. A says, been listening for a while and by far one of my favorite podcasts to listen to to get my mind off of things.

Thanks for keeping me laughing. So here is an Amazon review. Okay. It's of women's open crotch underwear, sexy lace G-string thong panty underwear. Oh no, I've been caught too. That's only the second time in my life i've said that phrase um can i just say that uh i don't know if i should say this but uh a's cart on the screenshot has two items in it doesn't say what items, but I'm going to pretend two of these. I think we both know what item.

Oh, was it the women's open cart? Yeah, you literally just read it out loud. After this review, I don't see why not. Ready? Maybe some eye bleach. Here's the review by Jordan. Five stars. These are really

cute, but FYI, don't wear with a skirt or dress. By Jordan. Five stars. These are really cute. But FYI, don't wear with a skirt or dress. I wore them with a short sundress so I could surprise my man after work. Before he came home, I went to get groceries and picked him an extra large coffee that did not sit well with my stomach. I let out a fart, but it came with an uninvited guest. And I had to explain to one of the employees that I crapped on their floor. No. Wasn't in the mood after for any bedroom fun after that experience,

and I'm also not allowed back at our local Costco. End of review. What the fuck? It happens to the best of us. It does, but don't put it on the internet. And don't wear those to... Wear what you want. Yeah, don't tell me what to wear. You know what?

I'm going to tell you where what you want, but just be careful when you go to Costco. Also, don't tell me about pooping on the floor. It sounds like a hot tip right there. True. It is very helpful. So, since A is buying two of these, I hope... Maybe two. I feel so bad I didn't even mention that.

Maybe a backup in case this happens again. You know? You gotta have two. Maybe, okay. Maybe the way they're constructed, you can put two on in a way where you can cover enough where that accident doesn't happen. You put one on backwards. Yeah.

Got it. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah, I love it. Yeah. Very sexy. So, this was sent in by ashley and ashley says my partner and i are going on a little weekend trip to show low arizona to escape the phoenix heat in the midst of looking for places to visit uh via yelp in the small town i came across this coffee shop called the trumped store and coffee house have you heard of this this sounds scary

it is literally this is ashley's words it is literally a donald trump themed coffee shop and not ironically by the way to be clear i looked it up um i am shocked maybe not surprised but also find this to be kind of hilarious the reviews are interesting just had to share keep up the awesome work so i like went through the yelp page to see what the hell was going i mean like look i'll show you the page of the actual um store it's like all trump bumper stickers 2020 t-shirts yeah exactly um and so as you can imagine the reviews reviews were all either five star or one star and uh one of my favorites was written in by uh rd who says five stars oh this was written like last week this is the place to go in order to not an order of priority a show affinity for all things Trump and the Trumpian approach to present politics.

B. Buy items to explode allegedly, but not actually, liberal Lloyd heads. C. I like that they have to clarify, by the way, that they don't literally want to blow up. Thank God. Well, actually. Half the nation's heads, but. Yeah. Okay. C. Buy garage and vehicle items to support the most effective president in a coon's age parentheses hint to the social justice warriors before y'all get offended check this grammarist.com

slash usage slash coon's age it refers to raccoons you ignoram I parentheses classical plural of ignoramus this is the most disgusting thing i've ever heard and without even trump being involved like this is not even about trump this is just just just foul also coons age is an offensive term because it was used as a sure it originally stemmed from raccoons but it's also used as a derogatory term so it is frowned upon sorry maybe i'm an ignoram i you are no people that but that's beside the point yeah just because it's had origins that weren't offensive doesn't mean it can't what that's like saying it makes no sense like saying most slurs came from exactly that's like saying calling a gay person the f word and then being like well it originally

meant a bundle of sticks it's like dude that okay that doesn't mean you can use it anyway it's fine it's fine okay uh d this is option oh there's more okay rinse and repeat a b and c oh okay plus the lady and gentleman who run the store are happy, well-adjusted, and interesting people with whom to engage in polite discourse and informative conversation. If you have to say it like that, there's something wrong. If you have to say, hey, by the way, they're like this, then obviously you're trying, there's something going on. There's something wrong here.

I shall surely stop there again next time I am in the vicinity. Okay, that's fine. My oh my, that was quite a... I'm uncomfortable after that one. I thought that was quite a polite discourse. I'm like a melting snowflake right now. Yeah, so all the other ones were just kind of like exactly what you would expect. That was the only kind of like exactly what you would expect um that was

the only kind of aberration from the extremes um so yeah thank you ashley and i hope you avoided that place yeah and no thank you at the same time also no thank you um my next one is from julie julie says i absolutely love your podcast it provides fantastic comic relief from the other murder podcasts i listen to. Other? Do we talk about murder on here? I guess. Behind the Walmart. She's not saying... I know. Oh. I'm not stupid.

I know what... I know what you're getting at, Julie. I'm just trying to be funny. It's working really well. Maybe she should listen to the other comedy podcasts that are so rampant i'm gonna read a review of lucid three inch bamboo charcoal memory foam mattress topper queen oh that's only the second time i've ever heard that from amazon great from patrick five

stars turns out i didn't hate life everyone and everything i hated my mattress i used to be roused from sleep easily but i've slept through two neighborhood shootings and an elderly relative falling down the stairs end of review finally i love the world i'm just gonna say it because i did it for a there's an item in the cart we know what it is crotchless underwear yeah okay um so this is uh just so weird and it just made me laugh i don't know why but it did um this is sent this was sent in by amy and amy said uh just fyi this is some sort of fishing tackle or bait or something so it's on walmart's website it's called fast acting pink and it's um i'll show you a picture of it it's sort of like some sort of ribbon or it's meant to look like a worm yes yeah, yeah, yeah. So, somebody wrote a one-star review called,

Way Too Fast. Fast-acting pink sounds like a great idea, but this particular shade of pink is much too fast. Recklessly so. I had just opened the packaging when it zoomed across the room, knocking over Dear Meemaw, and busted... And busted right through the window, breaking glass and making a huge mess. Now the pink is is long gone and i don't know what to do i've put up missing signs and

contacted my neighborhood facebook page but so far no sightings end of review and how many people out there see that review it's called the most helpful negative review out of 16 so what a niche item to review. I love that. Oh my God. Oh my God. All of the reviews are like this. Really?

They're like all joke reviews. Literally. Somebody wrote when I tried to do a shakes. So I don't even know which one they were sending me. Cause I just read this one, but one of them is like, um, when I tried to do a Shakespeare play with it,

it acted so fast. No one could understand a word. Fast acting. It's so stupid funny though anyway i don't know how people even find this shit that's what i'm saying it's so niche it's like such a random thing to like someone said tried to eat it almost died i mean this is just really wild okay so thank you amy for somehow discovering this talk about the underbelly of walmart oh amy has some stuff in her cart no i'm just kidding no okay i've got one here from karen um my boyfriend karen says hi friends my boyfriend fell asleep at 7 p.m with the controller and it's hot as balls out so i'm relatively bored and on the prowl for reviews for you. Here you go. So here is a Yelp review of Be Good.

It's a burger place in Providence, Rhode Island. Okay. This is by Isabella, one star. The sweet potato fries from your place are colder and more frozen than the frozen ones I got from Stop and Shop. Your sweet potato fries were so cold, when I bit into them, I got frostbite. If there was a negative five-star option,

you would get it. End of review. Read like a bad roast. Yeah, like a very poorly done roast. Very poorly done roast. Lisa would be horrified. Oh, absolutely. They're so frozen.

They were like frozen food from the frozen food aisle oh boy i love that um okay my turn yeah so this one i don't know now i'm just clicking on them okay here's one from lauren uh i've been listening to your show since the first episode and this is the first time I've come across a review I need to share with you this is a review by Davito V from Austin, Texas and it's just madness, you'll see what I mean thanks for the show, y'all are amazing, Lauren so let's go ahead and read it so this is from a taco place in Austin

and Davito gave it 5 stars delicious and very cheap, the barbacoa tacos and gordita are flavorful. The meat is also very soft, pretty much melts in your mouth. The customer service isn't bad. The cook especially was very kind. I did not speak Spanish, so he was very helpful with explaining the menu items, and I definitely plan on returning back. Quite possibly one of the best barbacoa tacos I've ever had. My wife and I each got a taco costing us $4. My wife got carnitas and she is super picky,

but she said it was awesome. And my barbacoa was great too. This truck accepts cash only. So keep that in mind. I did report them to the IRS as everyone should report any cash only business to the IRS and get their 20% reward for however much this business is determined to have dodged. They have great breakfast tacos as well. I'm glad I stumbled across this one. Delicious. What? At first I was reading this, I was like, Lauren, what are you

talking about? Oh dear. Yeah, I know you're reading this. I'm like, did I miss something yet? Is there something weird about this? It was so in depth about how great the food was. And it's a five star. yet is there something weird about this it was so in-depth about how great the figure and it's a five star that makes up for everything i wonder like that can't be real right i but this person has like plenty of reviews and like a normal profile picture and everything so i don't think they're like trolling i don't know that's so random that's disturbing to me i tell you i don't like that i really don't like that i don't like that one bit what you doing texas what you doing texas cut it out cut it cut it out okay thank you lauren thank you lauren um my next one is from lindsey great lindsey said i'm behind so i just heard the review of silver dollar city in between you and us episode five i'm from missouri where silver

dollar city is and decided to search my local amusement park worlds of fun in kansas city on yelp and found this gem oh boy this is by samantha of worlds of fun in kansas city missouri worlds of fun more like worlds of suck worlds of scam scam artists. Worlds of what the hell? I ordered a damn veggie burger from the restaurant next to the Mamba. You know, the one that looks like a hideous Riverdale trope? Yeah, that one. I ordered a goddamn veggie burger and they took my money, right? And they didn't give me my burger.

They said, we ran out, sorry. We'll give you some onion rings. And, uh, they never did. I paid $20 for two bottles of water and a small basket of fries. They said they couldn't refund me? You can open the register. So just take my money out? Is it that hard?

I'm actually shaking and crying right now. I paid $21 goddamn dollars on nothing. I'm crying. Crying. What do you mean i can't get my money back did you burn it like are you dumb just give me my money back pussies i'm angry end of review i'm also crying i'm crying and sweating i know oh my god holy crap i felt the energy it coursed through me what the fuck well it's weird because that was the first time i read it aloud and it just took me over yeah you really i got really into it it was like uh you were speaking in tongues

i didn't like that one bit no i'm glad lindsey sent it in though thank you lindsey oh god delivering that that dangerous i'm glad we're nearing the end because i'm yeah you you put a lot into all my energy a lot of effort into that one not that i have much energy to begin with it took the rest out though this was sent in by our pal casey um who says i came from christine's murder's Murder Podcast and ended up staying for the long haul. Y'all helped me fall asleep at night, and as someone with chronic insomnia, I cannot thank you enough for that. This is a review of an IHOP in my area. I frequent this place with my best friend because there's not a Waffle House within five miles, and sometimes you just need peaches on your pancakes.

Hell yeah, IHOP's good. You love IHOP. Yeah. I had to share this review with you because I still don't know what's going on and was hoping you could help me figure it out. Lots of love from Virginia Casey. Okay. This is a one-star review by Susanna.

I recognized my server and told them I followed them on the gram. One star because the server wasn't even following me back. They even had the audacity to come back and ask me if everything was okay i said yes put on the inside i said no hashtag send hashtag help update 12 47 a.m no split checks after 10 comma comma comma what is this communism and technically it is before 10 because time is a paradox end of review who is this uh suzanna's only other review is of a nail salon which she really loved so so just to tap it's really all about the gram here i mean someone slighted her. I'm hoping that this is another one of those high school people know each other review based on that. I recognize you from Instagram.

What a weird thing to say to your IHOP server. Gosh. But she did get a great mani. You know what? At Perfect Nail Salon. You know what? Hopefully that took away a bit of the sting. I hope so.

Yeah. Follow me on Instagram. I won't promise I'll follow you back, but I will go to IHOP if you're buying. Random Yelp reviewer I forget the name of. So follow me on Instagram and then buy me breakfast is what you're... Yes. Okay, got it. Yeah.

My next one, and final one, is from Bailey. Bailey says this. I went to a bar in nashville with some friends this weekend we live here and really wanted a break from honky-tonking every weekend oh man me too i know how you feel that feeling i wish i knew that feeling i was looking for some reviews to get an idea of the dress code and atmosphere. Here it is. A review of Flamingo Cocktail Club in Nashville, Tennessee. One star. By Dave. I don't write reviews often, but this warranted a review. I recently went to Flamingo Cocktail Club and was told I couldn't enter the club

because I was wearing Birkenstocks. Quote, because it was a safety issue. I disagree with this, but okay. We live in a free country. They can have weird rules if they want. After I was turned away by the flirty, disrespectful, and inappropriate employee, I watched six other people with the same shoes walked by the employee who said I wasn't allowed inside. This wasn't about my shoes, but it had something to do with me, and I don't appreciate it at all. After calling for the manager, I learned the reason for the no open-toed shoe policy was to, quote, set a cool vibe and not a safety issue.

Based on these conversations, this team needs to get on the same page and treat people with respect. I don't appreciate not being, quote, cool enough to be part of their, quote, cool vibe. It's safe to say me, my wife, and the friends I was with will never be spending a penny here again. It's not a great way to treat customers,

and it's definitely a great way to treat customers, and it's definitely a great way to lose business. End of review. Oh, Dave, bud. That would be me. Dave. Are you kidding me? I'd show up and I'd get turned away, but I would never write a review, and I would never call for the manager. I would hang my head in shame and say, you're right, I'm not cool enough, and leave. So I'm good on Dave for at least standing up for himself a bit. But I mean, I was waiting for Dave to explain why he was cool. And I feel like I never really got the satisfaction. No, because I don't think Dave thinks that way. I just think he doesn't like that policy.

I do. I do want to argue a little bit. I'm a little skeptical of the fact that Dave says six other people in the exact same birkenstocks walk past that's a good point i don't entirely believe that i'm sorry even though birkenstocks are more in in vogue now than they were 10 years ago trust me i'm treated a lot differently for them now than i was as a teenager um i still don't really see them as kind of like a nightlife staple. Agreed. While I could see myself in his position,

I also would not wear my Birkenstocks to a club. Not that I... Right? Yeah. I don't know. I couldn't see that happening. Very strange. Very strange.

And who knows? Maybe those people wearing the exact same shoes, maybe it was part of a greater outfit that made sense. That what i was thinking and not like just birkenstocks and cargo shorts and a polo every time someone makes fun of my birkenstocks i'm like mary-kate and ashley were photographed wearing birkenstocks what so maybe they were the ones at the flamingo nightclub then you printed it off put it on your vision board and sure enough it's cool again and sure enough i'm just as cool as Mary-Kate and Ashley. That's not what I said.

Okay, so I have one final review. This is from Natalie. It says, hello, first of all, huge fan. Beach 2 Sandy was a podcast I binged so hard I finally felt I could call myself a podcast person. Aww. I got caught up in time for this week's episode. This was from August 16th and was honestly a little bummed because now what am I going to listen to on my drive?

Side note, the answer is a combo of re-listening and diving into it. And that's why I drink. I've developed a new hobby of combing the worst reviews of the places I go for which I truly thank you. So anyway, I live in Sarasota near Siesta Key. So naturally I wanted to see what folks were saying about it. Last year we had a horrible breakout of Red Tide, so of course there were a lot of one-star reviews

about the literal natural disaster dampening their beach experience. So apparently someone wrote, how is this allowed? About the natural... Yeah. About the Red Tide, that's ridiculous. Okay. Anyway, Nat says, about the natural yeah but the red that's ridiculous okay anyway um nat says however i present to you with pride the twin to the guam to sandy review get ready this is a big one okay i'm ready the water was too wet that's perfect and salty oh less perfect but still pretty great i also get sunburns

free parking where are we why i have to park my expensive corvette for free next to a ford fiesta there were also free shower and bathroom i will definitely not coming back that had everything and then she wrote the water was too wet uh she's very proud of her investigative journalism to find this and says hello to us and geo and blaze and ally and uh she said this brought an unnatural squawk at her desk this afternoon they brought a squawk out of me too it did bring squawks upon us yes oh my god rain squawks funny so i feel that was really a beautiful like that is too funny full circle moment i love it was too wet and salty too wet and this person is not my favorite being ironic oh this is a that's a weird one why i have to park my expensive little bit of everything i like that he was complaining that everything was free yes

person who goes to a beach sees like 40 parking oh this is a place for me for me and my corvette me and my corvette hopefully they they valet it literally says there were also free bathrooms and then immediately after that i won't be coming back yeah oh god oh god indeed all right i think that's it for today huh yeah that sounds pretty good to me i'm happy about it i felt good good episode guys thanks for the content this was a fun one i think i enjoyed that yeah well keep sending them in uh you can email us at beach to sandy at gmail.com with the subject between you and us. And we might read them on a future episode.

I'm already like tagging some for next month already because I just found another good one. You get so many. I know. We're trying to get read through all of them. There's so many and they're so funny. So keep them coming. But we have ideas to use them in other ways in the future. So keep them coming.

We're glad we have quite a pile up. And hopefully we'll get to yours soon. That means this will never end. Bye. Bye.