Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 9

Episode Date: October 14, 2019

Locusts, cicadas, and hard hats oh my! We're reading the reviews you want to hear! This time we read everything from book reviews to communion wafers. Listen now, because THIS. IS. CRITICAL. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy to fulfill our dream of chatting with you live on video.  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, mrthenoronha, and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly for just 4.99 you can get a subway six inch black forest ham sub made with our new fresh sliced deli but the fresh slicing doesn't stop at beautiful black forest ham we're talking tantalizing turkey perfectly piled pepperoni sensationally sliced salami so you can lunch legendary, dinner deliciously, breakfast brilliantly. We're talking frigging fresh slicing and I'm yelling yes way. Get a six inch black forest ham for only $4.99 only at Subway. Price and participation may vary. Extras, taxes and delivery additional expires April 8th. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think.

Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Welcome! It's time for Between You and Us. This is the episode where we read the reviews that you send to our email address. And thankfully they're not reviews of us. They're reviews that you find on the internet. Yes. And this is a good way for us to read all sorts of things. It's also a great way for us to not do work. That's true.

It is pretty easy to prepare, thanks to you people. Thank you for that. Thank you for your emails. you people thank you for that thank you for your emails um and for future episodes if you want to send us uh reviews be sure to send them to beach to sandy at gmail.com with the subject between you and us yep you can put between you and us and then if you want to add more to it you can but as long as that's in there we'll put it in the right folder um if you haven't heard back we don't usually respond because we get so many we really we just throw them in the folder we're hundreds backlogged so don't fret we're not ignoring you intentionally we are ignoring you but not intentionally exactly

we wish we didn't have to well it's funny i was reading one today and at the bottom there was a challenge idea and i'm like that's a good one it's been sitting in there since july right and i'm like darn well i mean we can still use it but i was like oh that's a good idea so if you do want to send us something else like maybe a lot of praise um well i always feel bad people write really over email nice things and i'm always like oh god now i just don't i can't respond to all of these and they're all very kind and nice. So communally, I'd like to say thank you to everyone for the kind words. Yes, seriously. Thank you for writing in. Unless you write us mean things, which happens rarely.

Thankfully, very rarely. Okay. Cool. So I think I should go first. I think I have more than you. I would appreciate that. Okay. So let's see what i have

for you here okay so madison sent in a review it is a one-star review um that she found of the movie blockers what is that it's a movie that came out recently it's supposed to be like blockers oh yeah okay if you had said... Blockers, I actually would have known what you were talking about. Is that... I think it's called blockers. Is it just called blockers? Yes.

I thought the billboard said... Blockers. No, it definitely didn't. I mean, I think... Oh, it's just a picture of a... Yes. Of a chicken. A rooster.

That's what I said. All right. Well, we've already just offended a lot of people. So this is a review by Angus, who was incredibly offended by the movie. Angus would be. Angus is not listening to our podcast. I can confidently say that. So this is Angus's one-star review on Amazon Prime, thanks to Madison.

This movie sucks. It did not follow the formula of raunchy comedy. In fact, it turned it upside down. I never laughed. There was no female nudity. Even in a simulated sex scene, the woman had her clothes on. Instead, we were treated with constant male nudity, including chests, legs, butts, and even male junk. Next, we find the girls take a mature view of sex and were somewhat rational and calm. The parents are not rational and calm. The white men were especially not rational and calm. One man cries, the other muscular man cries twice, and is reported to have cried for a child's movie. Luckily for them, the African-American boyfriend is calm and rational,

and the brown-skinned wife is also calm and rational. The antics and irrationality of the parents is tiresome. Fortunately, at the end, the, quote, mature girls teach the stupid, irrational parents about life. What a stupid movie. End of review. I hate this person. Yeah, he's fucking terrible.

That was awful yes it was it was terrible the brown skin wife are you kidding me that was beyond what i expected they were like they turned the comedy upside down and i'm like okay no he's basically offended that the white people were the worst made to be the the butt of the joke if you will how did he get his formula oh my god like probably every come for something probably the ultimate the original slapstick comedy anyway so that's angus's take angus please stay far away from me and stay far away from the film industry i hope no one gives you the job of writing some sort of comedy i hope you don't watch a lot of movies because you'll get you're gonna be offended deeply by a lot of things in this world that's a good point why and also why why would a person

like this go to a movie like that well they watched it on amazon prime oh true true okay never mind so they probably paid3.99 for it. Angus shut me right up there. Listen, Angus does a lot of things, but he's no fool with his money. Well, actually, you know what? It's funny. I was watching a movie the other week, and at the end, Angus did write a movie. What?

The Birth of a Nation. Have you heard of it? I'll sit here. He wrote the movie? Well, no. He wrote the formula for that movie oh i see thanks yeah i think we've discussed it was in the credits we've discussed birth of a nation before and have we really i think the first or second episode so we really shouldn't it's probably

pretty problematic that we're discussing it again thank you at least at least you brought it up both times so thank you for that slapstick comedy indeed okay i'm just gonna be quiet now great your turn now i'll read the review okay so this is sent in by jonathan who uh discovered our podcast about a month ago in july oh welcome so discovered us in june and left us today and loved it so much finished all episodes in about three weeks. Aw. And guess where Jonathan's from? Where? Dayton.

Aw. And he's glad to have us representing Ohioans on the internet. You're welcome. Go Raiders. Wright State Raiders. The rowdy Raiders. Yeah, I know. I don't think anyone else on the planet knows.

Well, hopefully Jonathan knows. Here's a review. Well, it's not exactly a review. This is one of those question and answer parts on Amazon. Sure. So there's someone who asked a question. About a product. About a product. And the product is a hard hat. Okay. And in the screenshot, I see many hard hats, related items. Sure. Different options, what to buy. That's what this person needs help with. What to buy. That's what this person needs help with.

Here we go. This is a deadly, serious topic. What hat will actually keep my head safe if there are objects flying around outside? What about my father's head? End of question. Okay. Very deadly serious. And then the answer this hat is basically to save your brains in

having concussions from smaller objects falling end of answer that's not helpful i don't think either of those things were helpful neither of those answer the question of what's spinning around what objects are are we talking about to be honest that first question didn't really call for an educated answer yes no not even a little bit i need some more information um in order to infer what the hell this person's talking about objects lying around could be locusts cicadas oh true so those small objects so that that could be perfect for small objects like cicadas cic. Locusts and cicadas. It also could, the user could also be referencing, maybe they're a prepper. And they're prepping for the apocalypse. Is that what they're called?

Yes. Preppers. Yes. Okay. I worked on that show at National Geographic. Sounds like some sort of like, I don't know, someone at a country club. Think of those preppers in their boat shoes. A crossover could be a good screenplay.

Pink polos. So, yeah, maybe that's what they're talking about. Okay. Maybe. End of days chaos, tornadoes. You know what? I like that. So it sounds like this helmet, this hard hat will not help.

It sounds like maybe they're barking up the wrong tree, if you will. I think they need other types of help. I do have another one that Jonathan sent in. Oh, okay, great. So this one is of the Metro Blue Line in downtown Minneapolis. Super. Isn't it fun how we get to read these random things? We never would stumble upon this otherwise.

Absolutely not. This is from Judson. I was in town for a conference. I was at the airport. I had to make a decision. Taxi, Uber, or light rail? My hotel was two blocks from the other end of the blue line. I had to try it.

It cost $2.50 and was easy squeezy. No problems whatsoever. I'd recommend it to anyone. And a review. Nice five star review. That's the only five star review in the history of the United States about public transportation. Yep, I believe so.

It's pretty incredible that he found that specific review. And he titled it I didn't want to give it away but I'm going to give the title now Easy Squeezy Way to Get to Downtown Minneapolis. That was on TripAdvisor. So if I'm on TripAdvisor going to Minneapolis, I'm like, yep, I'm taking that blue line. Do people get points for this?

What is the use of reviewing public transportation, except, I guess, to help your fellow humans? Yeah. Judson has written the cat is walking oh my god kitty juniper judson has written 158 reviews so judson gets something out of it that's for sure judson's been on a lot of light rails. And I appreciate it. Thank you, Judson. I really appreciate that. Okay. Let's see. Here we are. This is, oh, this is, did I just read one from Madison? This is another one from a different Madison.

And if I didn't read one from Madison, then this is one from the first Madison. Madison says, hey, Alex and Christine. So for my job, I end up buying a lot of items off amazon because my employer likes to take advantage of prime with that being said i read a lot of reviews both good and bad sometimes terrible before buying office products this is a review of office mate unbreakable wall file vertical clear number 21674 what What? What? Vertical what file thing? OfficeMate unbreakable wall file. Vertical. Clear.

Number 21674. I don't know what that looks like. Like a hanging wall file. Like a hanging... It hangs on the wall? Yes, and you put files in it. I've never seen that. You have seen that.

But okay. Okay. Vertical wall file. I'm looking at vertical wall file jesus oh interesting yes those things you know what a wall file is okay yeah so this is a review a one star view by ian avoid if you have an alternative terrible quality on one side the keyhole attachment points are well formed however on the other side the holes appear to have been made by a blind chimpanzee using a blunt teaspoon after drinking a bottle of cheap tequila as other reviewers have said the clear plastic is a more dehydrated urine yellow with odd staining among the plastic this is one instance where made in the usa is not something to be proud of end of review ouch and uh

madison says that ian did include a photo and from what you can tell he was right on the money with that one with the chimpanzee part yep and then she goes i'm gonna buy it anyway for my boss um also she says i, Christine, I saw you in Minneapolis. And my fiance and I had a wonderful time. Hashtag team alcohol. Do you think she took the Metro Blue Line? Oh, my God. Yes.

Probably. Do you think Madison's fiance is? Judson? Judson? Probably. Oh, my God. This is such a cool. It's all coming together.

Cool coincidence. Well, thank you, Madison. I have a review from Kaylee. Kaylee absolutely loves this podcast. Me too. And looks and sounds like a crazy person when she listens and talks about the podcast. Oh, so do we. Yeah. And oh, she says fits her pretty well, though. That's good. So Kaylee works in a small rural town in central Pennsylvania and is an avid Goodwill goer. Okay, fine. Decided to look up the hours and, of course, just had to look up the reviews. And here we go. Here's a one-star review from Jackie.

Prices are higher than any Goodwill I've ever been in From Texas to East Coast So I was glad to see the cashier that never wears a bra Did have on a work vest cover up Oh End of reveal Oh Okay Uh huh

That's none of your business Yeah I don't know where that That kind of came out of left field What was the beginning? Prices are higher than any goodwill i've ever been in from texas to east coast i got lulled like i know it happens into a false sense of security and then all of a sudden i got like ripped out ripped out absolutely well well here's another one from tina oh great two stars slow employees at register needed help with sizes and girl said to me,

all kid clothes are here. I have no clue about husky. End of review. I'm pretty sure that happened to me multiple times in my life. That's so sad. That still happens to you. Poor Tina. And then a third one from Music Puzzle.

Three stars. This is a store in from Music Puzzle. Three stars. This is a store in which to buy items. End of review. What was it of? The same Goodwill. All three of these are the same Goodwill. What does it say? Music something?

Music Puzzle is the name of the reviewer. Oh, oh, oh. Okay. So this is what Goodwill is like in central Pennsylvania. I'm telling you, it sounds like a free-for-all. It's just like husky clothes, no bras, like, it's just items. Items. Items galore.

Items everywhere. Items everywhere. Chaos. Absolute chaos. Chaos from Kaylee. Thank you, Kaylee. In central Pennsylvania. Okay, so I believe it's my turn now?

I believe so. Okay. Let's see. Wait. Oh, shit shit i'm in yours i opened one and i was like this is funny and then i realized it said alex between you and us hey sorry okay i'm trying to find mine okay here it is we need a better filing system sorry um so this is a review sent in by Jordan. And Jordan says, I know I just sent y'all a review a little bit ago. Sorry, we have not encountered that yet.

But when I saw this, I knew y'all had to see it right away. Barb isn't like most book reviewers. She's different. She's special. She's picky and judgmental. She's a woman of taste and refinement. Barb doesn't have to give a one star in place of a zero star review because luckily for Oh. This is a review of the book Forever Amber by Kathleen Windsor.

Barb says, this book, and I'm happy for you. You are the good kind of people who are able to go out into the world and make friends easily because you see the good in everyone, regardless of how horrible and shallow and rotten they are. I am not like you. I'm fussy. I'm particular. I'm very judgmental. And I could only stand to read 323 pages of this awful book. I too am one of those people who thinks you should finish the book if you start it. I have never left a review about a book that I didn't complete. I'm making an exception here because 323 pages is a book for most authors and certainly plenty long enough for me to know I wasn't going to like it any better by reading 650 more. Shit, that's a lot of book. It's a lot of book.

I was shocked at that. I know. I mean, I'm shocked at a lot of this, but... If you are particular like me, and you like what I like, take a look at my other reviews to get an idea, you will probably think this book is horrid drivel too. I did not like any of the characters. They were rotten, especially Amber.

Keep in mind that the book is called Forever Amber. I have to like someone in the story in order to read 970 pages about them. I'm funny like that. The character development was seriously lacking, the dialogue was horrid, the storyline was barely if at all believable, and I will admit I am happy to suffer all of those things if I love the protagonist. Here, I couldn't even like her. Save your money and borrow this from the library if you must read it the two nice things i can say are the cover is pretty and it's heavy enough to use as a doorstop end of review jesus i like how they started off though by saying like you're the good people i'm not so they

admitted right away they're not a good person they're they're a shitty person to trust i'm like i don't trust anything you're about to say. However, I did look up this book called Forever Amber by Kathleen Windsor. It was a book written in 1944. Oh. And it was a romance novel that was then turned into a motion picture classic by, I believe, Fox. So... When you say classic... I you truly mean that? I've never heard of this in my life. I think I meant to say it was made into a film in 1947 by 20th Century Fox. There you go. Site, source, Wikipedia. Wow, okay, I did not expect that, that it was that old. Forever Amber tells the story of orphaned

Amber St. Clair, who makes her way up through the ranks of 17th century english society by sleeping with and or marrying successively richer and more important men while keeping her love for the one man she can never have oh boy anyway oh wow so well that's um could you imagine being that author, looking down or looking up at this reviewer and being like, dude, I wrote this in 1944. It's a different time that you're living in. I'm also 144. It was a big deal back then. I'm also 144 now, so I don't really care what you have to say on goodreads.com, Barb. goodreads.com barb um yeah i think she and angus should get together although they might end up in quite a battle i wonder how long it took that author though to write that 900 some pages that's insane like a fucking lifetime but that's what they did back then

they just sat around in their gardens less time listening to free radio shows and yeah more time writing less time on buzzfeed taking quizzes about what kind of popsicle you are more time you know writing about exactly what i was thinking the king of england and his many mistresses so uh yeah so that's that that's barb thanks um so thank you jordan for sending that in i appreciate it thank you i appreciate it as well these next two were sent in by kelly kelly loves our podcast and also likes to get her fix by searching for equally absurd one-star reviews of local places in pittsburgh nice pennsylvania i love pittsburgh stop i do um i recently stumbled on some excellent ones for Whole Foods. Oh, gosh.

So here we go. I'm going to read two of them. First one is by Captain B, one star. I just love the feeling of being looked down on by you hippies when I don't bring my reusable bag to the checkout line. End of review. Nobody cares. That is a sign of guilt. You have feelings of guilt for this're projecting no one is saying anything to you all they're saying is paper or plastic and you are

feeling the guilt or they're saying did you bring a bag today and you have to say no yeah because you didn't yeah absolute projection i yeah I don't think that the cashiers, I don't think you're the only person that doesn't bring in a reusable bag. And I don't think that they take the time out of their day to really throw ill will towards it. You know how many people they have to deal with every single day? They probably have more ill,

I mean, they definitely have more ill will for the people that treat them poorly than the ones that don't bring a reusable shopping bag. Yeah, they couldn't care less. Anyway. And also, everyone who works at Whole Foods is a hippie? I don't know. No.

That makes no sense at all. Whole Foods has great benefits. They pay well. It's a great place to work. My friend worked there. Yeah. She was kind of a hippie. But it doesn't mean she stands for...

Captain B. You might be onto something on to something here what is captain b that's the person who wrote that review oh i thought that was some weird nickname nickname um anyway so i don't know i don't think my one friend is representative of the entire whole foods uh community but she did one time use her uh health money that they gave her to buy me contact solution. That's really nice. Yes, that was very nice. So there's at least one good Whole Foods employee out there.

At least one. At least one. So be nice, Captain B. Here's another one. One star. Sent in by... Same Whole Foods, yes. Okay.

I'm reading two of these. Oh, I see. One star review of the same Whole Foods. Need a new baker. Chocolate cookies are burnt. This is critical. End of review. Oh, no.

Oh, yes. This is critical. I mean, it is absolutely critical. I take chocolate chip cookies very seriously. As one should. As one should. I don't find much humor in that. I take chocolate chip cookies very seriously. As one should. As one should. I don't, I don't find much humor in that. I'm sorry. Despite the loud laughter that just emitted from my body. Honestly, I read that to just to bring awareness to the Pittsburgh Whole Foods so that they know to hire a new baker. I think it's an epidemic. It truly is. I know you're

all protesting on the streets. Get off the streets and go to the Whole Foods in Pittsburgh. Yeah, that baker needs to go. Oh my gosh, that's funny. Who was that from, the email? Oh, it was from Kelly. Thank you, Kelly. Thank you, Kelly. I have a review from Jasmine, and it was sent back in May.

It says, hey there, Alex and Christine. Love the show and can't wait to see how big you guys get. I've been putting on pounds. What? That's so rude. All those damn burnt damn burnt chocolate chip leave my husky pants alone so uh jasmine says i was browsing wineries in scottsdale arizona to take my mom for mother's day and came across this gem of a review okay this is a review of sorso wine room by scott one star scott is also a local guide on google big deal big

honcho big deal this is critical f you you lazy collegiate pos's let me add a little bit f is obviously just a capital f yes lazy collegiate with a question mark for spelling which makes me laugh no way very much f you Very much. F-U-U, lazy collegiate spelling. Pieces of shit is what P-O-S's stand for. F-U-U, lazy collegiate piece of shit. So wait, wait, I just want to pause. Sorry. Collegiate spelling, question mark.

How is that not lazy? Just look it up. The thing is, they spelled it right. Oh, okay. So I don't know. Gosh. I don't know the problem they i mean confidence most of the other words were not spelled right so f you you lazy collegiate piece of shits pieces of shit i think is a proper grammatical term 11 29 when i walked in for one cocktail and informed that there was five minutes to last call really fun to order a drink and then

try to enjoy it with all the teeny bopper staff lingering at the end of the bar talking personal business b-i-z business an oxymoron in itself yeah that's true fun. Great way to enjoy a $12 mule. You think I'd learn by now. No bling equals no ting in Snottsdale. Excuse me? No bling equals no ting? Or no ting, wait. No bling equals no ting.

This is critical. No bling equals no ting this is critical oh no bling equals no ting in snot still do we learn what any of this means so it's up to me to guess it's up to you to really really uh go deep into your mind's eye and figure it out well i figured it out what okay don't even no what are you gonna say something annoying no i was gonna say maybe it's something like they walked in Well, I figured it out. What? Okay. Don't even. No? What are you going to say? Something annoying? No, I was just going to say maybe it's something like they walked in without any bling on. Sure.

Weren't wearing like the, you know, gold chain, gold rings. Sure. Whatever gold. No grill. No grill. And so they got no ting, which is a way of saying nothing. I see, like business. So they didn't get treated well.

It's a slang. Yeah. And Snottsdale, this is where it's a big reach. I think that he's mocking the city of Scottsdale. It could be, but, you know, his name is also Scott, so. So he doesn't want to put his own name in the city. I think he doesn't want to associate. Associate with Scottsdale. It could be, but you know, his name is also Scott. So he doesn't want to put his own name in the city. I think he doesn't want to associate. Associate with Scottsdale. The bling. That's it. I'm sorry. I was reaching. Blingy Scottsdale. Yeah. I mean, definitely, definitely

the more convoluted one is definitely the more accurate one. Okay. I look forward to hearing what else Scott has to say. Great way to enjoy a $12 mule. You'd think I'd learn by now. No bling equals no ting in Snottsdale. Also, no big fake ta-tas and long blonde hair. Go somewhere else, please. End of review. Now that doesn't need to be analyzed nearly as much. I'd rather not analyze it. Let me put it that way.

This Scott fella, he's a winner. Well, he has no big fake ta-t fake tatas so not a winner in my book that's that's why he didn't get ting no ting god what the hell is that i don't know this is a very like dark deeply upsetting review and i like how uh what i just like how that he he went into a bar at 11 29 they said hey it's almost last call he bought a drink anyway knowing that and knowing it was 12 and then complained the entire time yes that he had to yeah but probably kept to himself didn't say anything and then decided to he minded his own business oh Oh, yeah. All right. That reminds me, though.

I saw a review. I don't know what the context of this was. I saw a review when I was researching recently, and someone said, made fun of this, it was like a Wendy's or something, and they were like, this is the kind of service you get here. And they took a picture of an employee in the back kitchen on their phone what posted it online which is like not allowed by the way you should not be doing that you should not take photos of strangers without their consent and post them on the internet that sounds like the kind of person who would cuss out the employees and when they start recording him would be like you can't do that to me this also sounds like the

person who working at their establishment probably pulls their phone out and takes pictures of people so i don't think this is a very fair argument agreed okay my next one is from caitlin it's actually a couple so caitlin did something pretty fun caitlin tried googling reviews of google how do you do that i don't know i i didn't ask but here are a couple reviews of google i'm so excited first one is from anonymous these nincompoops ask you for unusual traffic and a review what presumably they're using google maps and it's something about unusual traffic. So that's a one-star review of Google. It is.

You know, I found that if you shake your phone by accident on Google Maps, it says, is something wrong? Oh, yeah. Submit feedback. So that's probably what's happening. I haven't seen that. That's right. I wonder what kind of, I'm so curious what kind of fucking feedback they get. God.

When they're stuck, people are stuck on the 405. How do you sift through that shit? Could you imagine? That must be a really rough job. They have to just probably automate most of it and send most of it to the trash. You'd hope so, right? They probably get so much shit constantly.

So here's another one. One star. Nasty security support. A male operator told me, fuck you, I'm going to rip his balls off. End of review. Now that's one that gets flagged by the automated system. I think there's

a couple words in there, keywords in there. And yet Caitlin found it. Maybe that's Caitlin's job, flagging them. Oh! Caitlin, I'm going to send you a gift basket because that's a really rough job. Holy crap. How bad would that be? Gosh. Yeah, so that's what's going on in the google hate world i'd like to read reviews of yelp somebody find that for me i'm very curious oh boy

no because you just opened a huge can of worms because i'm sure they are so bad i bet there's a whole thing on the yelp forums probably that are anti-elp, except I could imagine those getting allegedly removed. Allegedly. Allegedly. This is a review sent in by Kelsey. It says, oh my gosh, you guys completely have to check out the reviews for bulk communion wafers on Amazon. This might be a niche sort of thing, but as fellow Catholic school folks, I thought you would appreciate. Continue to love the podcast. Thanks for all the work you guys do. K.

I already appreciate it. I love this. Okay, K says, K sent that. I know. I'm very excited. So this first one is by, it doesn't say the name because it got cut off, but the title of the review is The Power of Christ Compels You. I have to buy these for my sister at least once a month. It's an addiction and I'm constantly in a state of discomfort. I'm terrified out of nowhere she'll whip them out and down a full pack. Three stars for the affordable price, though. Then the next one is by Chuck.

Verified purchase, by the way. Five-star review. Subject is Great for when you have the munchies and the review says the tastiest 1000 tiny bits of jesus i have ever ate oh no just bought these as a holy snack great for when you have the munchies and just want something it doesn't matter what okay end of review it does it should matter what when do you have the munchies and it's like it doesn't matter i'd rather eat jesus right now like if it doesn't matter you eat garbage like you eat really nasty things like that are that tastes good this doesn't taste good as a catholic person i can tell you doesn't taste good also i can tell you that it's not actually Jesus unless a priest performs transubstantiation.

Whoa. Yeah. Pulling it out. The big words. The good word. The good words. As some like to call it. Jesus Christ. Okay.

I know, right? Yes. Okay. Yes, I know what I just did. The last one is by Amazon customer, also a verified purchase. Five star review. It just says, Jesus. purchase uh five star review it just says jesus that's incredible

i like holy shit that is so so perfect i know it's two syllables but i didn't think i'd be able to get through it without laughing so oh my god that's hilarious thank you kelsey for finding this weirdness beautiful oh my god okay you're up you're up i have i have my my last email is from uh christine oh um and christine happens to be uh a christine who lived near cincinnati as a a child and had a best friend named M growing up. No way. This is disturbing. Yeah.

Doppelganger. I was disturbed as well reading this. But yeah, so here's what Christine says. Hello to my favorite podcasting sibling duo. Oh, hi. Very specific. I know. I wish we were a little more general.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess we'll take it for now. I don't think we have much competition in that department. Hoo boy. Yeah, even the McElroys are a trio. That's what I thought. I was like, oh, no. Damn it.

Hoo boy. This is a doozy, and I get it if you don't want to read it on the podcast because it's a lot, but I just had to share this with someone. But apparently we're going to anyway. Yes. I came across this guy's Yelp profile and went down a rabbit hole reading all of his reviews and just, wow. Okay. So here is Trent.

Trent sounds like a piece of work already. Yes. In Wilmington, Delaware. I am going to read a couple of these. My first one is of mahogany and more. Two stars. My first one is of mahogany and more. Two stars.

I walked in with my woman the other day and was approached by a very weird man. I was very turned off by the way he was trying to qualify me. My woman is extremely hot and gets a lot of looks every store we walk into. My woman one more time, I swear. We were looking for a sofa. I will go back on my own and talk to the other guy and a review what oh my god my woman is extremely hot it's just like a blow-up doll that he just drags around probably it's things are insane the way he's describing the situation.

There's so many, but I had a couple picked out, so let me find the right one. Okay. Oh, yeah, here. Here's a one-star review of Firebird's Wood Fired Grilled. The only thing I like about this spot are the hot babes during happy hour. Just being honest, the food is okay, the service is not. Nice girls, but into everything but the customer. I'm a longtime critic from LA, and I notice the menial that closes doors.

I've seen this happen way too often. Add a dance floor and increase your profits. Believe me if a person that knows a good steak will not be coming here. All in all, keep your chins up and pay attention to your customers. What in the world? Yes. What in the world? This guy is such a creepo. Oh yeah, it gets better. Hold on. There's another good one. Add a dance floor. I want to rub up on some of those cute girls. So another one here is a first state bowling center. Great place to bowl, great place to meet chicks,

great place to eat. Took my grandmother there to bowl and eat, and I met a nice blonde chick there, and she sat down and ate fries and pizza with us and then bowled a game as well. She gave me her number and told me she would like to bowl again soon. End of review. Is this his weird way of writing, a dating blog or like a personal?

It's just so uncomfortable. All of it. Like confessions of a shopaholic. But like he has for Trent quote my woman. And then all of his other reviews about are about the hotness of the staff or of the women that he picks up at the places. Trent, you sicko. What's wrong with you i have one more oh great five star review of buffalo wild wings went there on saturday and sat down had the most amazing dining experience i swear the waitress was beautiful and pleasant and a sheer bliss to take care of me i thought i it said sheer blouse, and I was like, I am done with this guy.

I had so many wings and cocktails, she even offered to call Uber for me. I declined because my girl came to get me. If I didn't have my girlfriend, then I definitely would have asked the waitress to come with me to Philly. Anyway, I will go back someday when I'm in the mood for ass-kicking wings. End of Trent.

I'm done with Trent. Goodbye, Trent, forever. Now that my skin is crawling once again i'm shooting you into a cannon off into the outer space i was like okay out into the delaware out into the delaware that's where those places were in delaware oh i see actually i'll just i'll put up a big fence you can stay there um i will say uh i do like that the poor server was she even called offered to call me an uber yeah because you were probably wasted oh yeah and the restaurant doesn't want

to be liable for a dui or a car crash there was another one where he's like this is a good place to get fucked up yeah it sounds like he's really like he has some i would have taken her with me to philly what does that mean hey you want to go all the way to Philly with me from Wilmington, Delaware? I don't know how far that is, but it's another state away. So in my mind, that's far. This man has duct tape in his trunk. Yes. And zip ties.

I feel it in my bones. What about in his woman's trunk? What's in there? Maybe that's where he should be, if you ask me. Sounds really unpleasant. Thank you. I think you're missing the innuendo you've created okay yes i missed it until you said that yeah okay my yep i just wanted to move on from there please

that you didn't do it intentionally i i promise you i did not i meant that he should be tied up and put in a trunk so he can't bother these poor women i'm just gonna keep him in delaware okay brooke sent an email that says hi both hi why it's so funny about that i don't know it's like it was to me too only time we've ever gotten an email it's just like hi both i like that yeah i should start doing that even if it's just one person big fan of the podcast i've had to stop listening to it on the bus though because i end up laughing out loud to myself like a weirdo I'm almost caught up which makes me sad but hey there are worse problems to have yeah I guess

I found this one star review of a vegan restaurant definitely the most bougie one in the city called Envie the reviewer was pretty harsh but management was absolutely scathing back as a former server I definitely appreciated that management stuck up for their staff but oh my goodness it's one journey of a read this is our finale i'm excited

this is our finale this is um actually i i liked it but then i also thought i'm going to canada tomorrow and i'm going to halifax and this restaurant is in halifax you gotta go it just was it happened to be that way so and this episode will come out while you're in halifax actually oh my gosh i'll be in cincinnati you're right a few days after this yeah while you're in halifax actually yeah oh my gosh i'll be in cincinnati you're right a few days after this yeah i'll be in halifax when this comes out and maybe i'll go to this vegan restaurant you better go before this episode comes out because otherwise there'll be a mob of people waiting to greet you just saying hi both so this uh whenever i hear something like that i do usually think i wonder if it's a canadian thing

oh maybe and so i'm gonna just pretend that's what this is so this is krista's review of en vie disgusting bathroom it's a window to the runnings of this restaurant the bowl of the toilet looked like it hadn't been clean in months. Feces splattered and there was no soap in the washroom. I went to the staff and advised there was no soap. They said they'd let the people who owned the building know. I advised they needed soap in the washroom now and they are required to provide it in a restaurant to avoid cross-contamination. I stood there as the two wait staff looked at me blankly. I asked them what they do to wash their hands and they do to wash their hands

and they said they have their own staff washroom and asked me if I would like to use it I said no and then I reiterated that they needed soap in the washroom they gave me a bottle of soap and I put it in the washroom and washed my hands there were no paper towels in the washroom so you still had to touch every contaminated handle on the way out of there

the washrooms are not maintained by their own admission. Prior to going to the washroom, we did eat there, regrettably, and I won't even comment about the food because we will never eat here again. Now, just keep those details in mind as I read you management's response. It sounded like if you give a mouse a cookie. I don't know why. Gave them soap. There, no, I need some paper towels with my soap. I don't know how that book goes, but that's how I'm pict know why. Gave them soap. There, no, I need some paper towels with my soap.

I don't know how that book goes, but that's how I'm picturing it. I think that's the Canadian version. Is it? Yeah. There's no soap in the washroom. Well, this reminds me of those places that share a bathroom with multiple places. Okay, sorry, I should let you go. Management response.

Hello there. I had my two servers who were working that evening separately email me a description of this incident, and I wanted to share it with you. Hello there. I'd like to point out that our washrooms, our public washrooms, shared by six plus other businesses in the building, and they are cleaned four times a week by a professional cleaner. Because this is not enough to keep a high-use washroom spotless, my husband takes it upon himself to check the washrooms every morning and our staff knows to tidy up if they use one of the washrooms. I'd also like to point out that our girls are very polite, very accommodating people.

I work with them every day and they always go above and beyond to make our customers' experience unforgettable. Riley mentioned that after she had offered you everything she possibly could to accommodate your needs, you scoffed, huffed, muttered things under your breath, and rolled your eyes at her. Maybe it was then that you received a blank stare? There is no paper towel because there is a hand drying machine with a sign next to it that reads, toilet paper should not be used for hand drying, please consider the environment. If you would like to know more about our food safety and health practices in regards to cleanliness, you may contact me directly and I would be happy to provide you with our food safety officer's contact, who will be able to tell you about the cleanliness of our restaurant.

You will be pleased to know that we have passed each and every one of our inspections since we have been open. Wink face. As far as eating there, regrettably, this is something that I was most confused about after reading Riley's email explaining your experience. thing that I was most confused about after reading Riley's email explaining your experience. Riley said, the dinner went well and they all enjoyed their entrees very much. And when she came back from the washroom, I apologized again for the misunderstanding and was glad she got some soap. I felt horrible, but they all seemed happy when they left and the other three in her party thanked me several times on their way out. So was there a problem with your meal that Riley did not address? If so, it's best to bring these things up while you're dining with us so we can do anything we can to make your experience eating at our restaurant the most pleasant that it can be. Let me give you the real window into the runnings of our restaurant.

We are very hardworking individuals who go above and beyond our customers' expectations every day because we care about their health and well-being. We use quality products that are all made in-house. We're all mostly under 30 and our staff is very small. We pride ourselves on the quality of food and service that we provide to our very loyal, very lovely, returning and new customers every day. We work 14 plus hours a day to exhaustion to make sure that we can provide the quality of service that we are known for. But the soap ran out. And our shared washrooms were not attended to, so you had a bad experience. I can understand that

but to relate that experience to our food being like a disgusting bathroom is not accurate and i think you should reconsider your review once again you may contact me directly about this if you have any additional issues d'andre yes i know that was so long but i was like that is like we needed to hear that a clap back from canada that was beautiful that's exactly what you want to hear i know and i bet that person had nothing to say like there are so many times when the restaurant just says oh we're so sorry like please come back and we'll give you something off your order and at times that's the right way to approach it but in this case i am so glad they stood up for they stood up for themselves and their staff. And called the person out without being like nasty.

Like some people, some responses are like just angry and bitter and defensive. And it's like, this is just such an eloquent way to respond. Exactly. And I also love the fact that they mentioned like, well, both of my servers said you and your family walked out totally happy and thanked us multiple times and then you went home and decided it was time to write a bitchy review they're terrible sometimes people like for and that's what you drink i remember there are a couple times you got like really nasty long thought out emails like really

cruel and mean and i would respond like trying like not in a mean but just like, I'm so sorry you feel that way. I never intended this, but like, just know that, you know, this is not how we feel and whatever. And I would try to explain our side. Then the next morning I would get a response. This happens all the time. I get a response saying, sorry, I was just in a really bad mood. I had a really bad day. And I'm like, that's how you cope with it? You throw it in someone else's face and ruin their day? Exactly. No no it's terrible so i know that happens and it's just obviously you know yeah i mean it it happened with our show and we like we're talking about a one-star review we got oh yeah and then they changed it and we're like

yeah i was having a bad day it happens all the time and like i get it to an extent but like just to write something like this so nasty and aggressive and mean and, like, ruining a company's reputation. Yeah. That's not okay. After you left saying you were happy and, like. That does affect their business. Yeah. It affects the staff.

Yeah. I mean, it. Yeah. So, I'm really. D'Andra. Good job, D'Andra. Thank you for standing up for yourself and your employees. I wish I could be there at 4 p.m. on Monday when Christina will be there eating at your restaurant. Using your washroom.

Fans in tow. All my Halifax fans. Everyone there hanging out waiting for her. My Nova Scotia fans. Those little autograph books waiting for you. Like at Disney when princesses sign your book. There you go. Little autograph passport.

It just has two things. You and then me. They'll have to try to find me. Both. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you, everybody, for those. That was a fun one.

It was a fun one. And that was from Brooke. And that's that. That's that. Well, thanks, everyone. Again, if you want to write us in to beach2sandy at gmail.com with the subject between you a fun one and that was from brooke and that's that that's that well thanks everyone again if you want to write us in to uh beach to sandy at gmail.com uh with the subject between you and us we might read your uh reviews that you send in maybe six months down the line but maybe at some

point someday yeah but we love hearing from you either way so feel free to just send us an email showering us with love uh we'll maybe feature you in our november episode maybe all right talk to you later