Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Live at Spotify HQ in New York, NY

Episode Date: February 7, 2020

We made it through our first live show ever!! And now you have the chance to experience our discomfort from the comfort of your home. We had an amazing time and we are so grateful to Anchor, Spotify, and all our beautiful listeners who made this possible. Until we can come to your city, just listen to this, close your eyes, and pretend you're there with us. As long as it's not while you're driving. If you'd rather see Alex make the same face every time he reads a review, check out our YouTube channel where we'll be posting the full video including a Q&A! Enjoy! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York now! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. How's everyone doing tonight? Woo! Who's ready to hear some bad reviews of the Big Apple? I'm excited. Well, thank you all so much for coming tonight. Just to give you a little introduction, I'm Jessica. I'm the Creator Relations Manager at Anchor. If you're not already familiar with what Anchor is, we are the easiest way to make a podcast. So you can record, edit, distribute, and monetize your podcast for free. And so we've been working pretty closely with Alex and Christine for a couple months now

and just watching their podcast grow. And so we're really excited to be here, not only to celebrate their growth, but also to get their fans and them in the room for the first time ever. So without further ado, I give you Alex and Christine from Beach to Sandy Water to Wet. A podcast featuring little reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero scouts if I could. Oh my goodness. This is insane.

Hello. This is the wildest thing we've ever done. Hello, everybody. Hi, everyone. Thanks for coming. This is so cool. We're going to see if this works. We have no idea.

If you don't know yet, we're Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. We read terrible reviews. And today we have a special episode because it's all about New York. You guys, New York. I do want to tell you guys, it was extremely easy to find reviews. So this is one of the easiest to prep for ever. But yeah. We're going to also try to play our cool dramatic background

music. We'll see if that will happen. We'll see. We'll see what happens. This is Spotify. They know what they're doing. Yeah. I mean, do you have any more anecdotes?

Well, I just want to say we're going to split it up into two halves. Oh, right. So the first about 15 minutes, we're going to do reviews of into two halves. So the first about 15 minutes we're going to do reviews of places in Times Square. Then we're going to switch it up and do reviews of landmarks.

And end that way. I spent like three hours last night going through all of them and hand selecting the top ones. There were dozens. I had dozens anyway. And I've re-read these like 20 times each so if I mess up, I have no excuse.

Great. Set the bar high. Okay, I think I'm going to start, huh? Go for it. Okay, so let's do this thing. My first review is of a beloved place called the Olive Garden in Times Square.

So you can imagine that that went pretty well for me. That's where the after party is. Yeah, that's right. Apparently they don't do unlimited breadsticks there, which, let me just tell you. Alright, one star by Jeff.

Saturday. This is harder than I thought. At least pausing works. Saturday, November 3rd, 2018, 3.30 p.m. I was very unhappy not to be seated at that hour. Instead, I was forced to sit alone at the bar. The bartender was very good. The food, as always, was excellent.

But I was extremely unhappy to find out that a big restaurant in New York City has no internet. After all, restaurants in Philadelphia have internet. After all, restaurants in Philadelphia have internet. After eating my dinner, I went to a disgusting bathroom with trash piles everywhere and servers taking off their clothes. I will never be back to this Olive Garden. End of review. What the heck? I wanted to start off on like, I don't know what note that was. What kind of note is that? I don't know what that was. I just wanted to make fun that? I don't know. I don't know what that was.

I just wanted to make fun of New York a little bit. Yes. Compare you to Philadelphia, I guess. Philadelphia's better, apparently. Yeah. The Olive Garden's better in Philadelphia? I don't know. Unlimited breadsticks there, I bet.

And Wi-Fi. That's so funny. Okay. I've got to start the song over. Yes. Oh. We'll see how this works. It's going really well.

I'll handle it while I'm reading. Yes. We'll see how this works. It's going really well. Handle it while I'm reading. Okay. So my first one is of Madame Madame Tussauds. Why do you pick a fucking French word for your first review? I got really weird with that. Madame Tussauds, New York, the wax museum. It's by

Ducky. Sure. One star. Okay. This is so bad. Sorry, that's not part of the review it sounds like it's part of the review you should just roll with it one star by ducky got it a friend and i visited the museum we were very disappointed my friend is a huge michael jackson fan and we had gone expecting to see his figure. And all that was there was a plaque and a molding of his hand. I could have seen a molding of his hand here,

so thanks for nothing. That molding of his hand should have been giving us the finger. Because after paying $80 just to see a stupid plaque, I sure feel like I got fucked. Excuse my language. I feel like one of those people from Leaving Neverland.

Oh. I had to pause to take a breath. I started off with a real bad one, I know. He told me, he's like, my first one's bad. I was like, I'll go first. And I said, how bad? And he goes, it's about Michael Jackson. Jackson and I was like I don't want to know setting setting the tone yeah setting the tone that's what we want

okay almost done don't worry and as for my friend well she was so heartbroke she passed out from crying I don't know why that's the reason she passed out. I do have a question. Tell me. So she says, we could have seen that here. Yes. Philadelphia, I'm assuming. It's not.

Where? Most likely the Madame Tussauds in Philadelphia. Right. I don't know where Ducky lives. Why didn't you find out? You know, I never bothered to ask him. There's not much left. Oh, there's more? There's one

sentence. Next I visit, I won't be going to your museum. That's all. End of review. Okay. It didn't need music for that. It needed to be clear he won't be back. Okay. I didn't know that about the hand molding. Fair warning, I guess. I guess. If you're a big Michael

Jackson fan. I'm sure you are. All of you? Okay. I have another one of the Olive Garden because I couldn't help myself. I simply couldn't. Okay. This is a one-star review by Mike. I'm already laughing at my own content.

Okay. Here we go. Wow. I went here with my family expecting the service we have gotten at every other Olive Garden, especially the one in our hometown of Orlando, Florida. Go Solar Bears! I asked Blaze what that was. He was like, I have no idea.

These people are so specific of where they prefer their Olive Gardens. I don't know. Well, Solar Bears, we found out, is their hockey team. Their hockey team. Solar Bears... Of all teams... Oh, no. Never mind.

Bad experience. My wife's fettuccine was cold. Sad. And the waitstaff was so distracted they couldn't refill our waters and my daughter's Coke. I don't know why my daughter would want to come to such a horrible city.

But I... No offense. But I thought at least an Olive Garden would be like being back home in Orlando. Sad experience, Olive Garden. End of review. No one's happy here.

That's so bad. I do like that people come here and they're like, what's the most Florida thing I can find? The Olive Garden. New York City. Well, apparently it didn't work for Mike. The Olive Garden here is too authentic for people from Florida, I guess. Okay, your turn.

Well, I have another one of Madame Tussauds. See, we can't outb ourselves. No. All right. That's a short one. Okay. This is by Robert One Star. The wax statues are scarily lifelike.

I looked at Carrie Underwood and felt like a perv. End of review. I feel like these people think this is livejournal.com. Why are you saying that? This doesn't need to be said. Can you imagine you're applying for a job, and they're like, let's do a quick Google. It's like, mm. And this is a local guide.

Oh, it's always the local guides. Apparently this is someone out in your city telling people what they should be doing. He has a badge. Very trustworthy. A literal badge. It's not literal, actually. I hope not.

It's very much not. Okay. Guys, I want to tell you that the best place I found in Times Square for reviews was Eminem's World. And I don't know what is happening there. But something really wild is going on in this store. We both. We got to end up there at some point tonight.

I had to cut out like six of them because I had so many. It's true. And like people had pictures of their shoes were ripped in half by the escalator. I was like, it's like violent.

I don't know. So with that note. It's violent. It's very violent. Beware. So I have a one star review by Chris. You guys can hear my throat clearing now. We can't edit it out.

Sorry. Okay. I'm still mad at one of the employees. He gave me a hard time for wanting to try a single M&M off the wall. There's a mural, by the way. Really? I can't eat just one? Telling me I can't have M&M's?

Then you shouldn't have a wrinkled shirt collar. So, what I did is I filled up an entire bag of M&M's and left it nearby that employee just to mess with him. LOL. End of review. An entire bag? An entire bag. He really got him. Oh my god. I'm sure that employee was just distressed.

Yeah, especially once he noticed that wrinkle in his shirt collar. What a weird, bizarre insult. Like, very specific. Yes. Yes, that's, yes. That's a lot about the employee. That's the only thing that could be made fun of. But apparently there is a mural,

and a lot of people were extremely upset they couldn't eat it. So there's that. This is tangent, but remember that growing up? Jelly bean art, no. Well, that, God. We made a lot of that in middle school. Renee and I used to eat those, but then we learned they were spray painted.

I was thinking of the gum tree at the Beachwater Park where people would go by and put their gum on it. Oh, nasty. It would be like a mural of gum. Did you eat that? No. Oh, okay. This is not the time nor place to figure that out.

Okay. Anyway, I'm going to also read a review of Eminem's World. Yay. These are my new favorite. This is a one star by Kayla. Okay. The extremely overpriced Eminem's. Uh-oh. Hello. I did it. It doesn't work without the music. the extremely overpriced M&M's hello

it doesn't work without the music it's not playing in case you couldn't tell okay I'll just do it we'll just their laughter will drown it out anyway I hope. So, one star by Kayla.

It might just come on, like, really suddenly in the middle. That's okay. The extremely overpriced M&M's gave me diarrhea every time... I'm missing the music. Damn, if that music were playing... Gave me diarrhea every time I ate them. And I eat M&M's all the time. So I know I'm not just allergic to them.

End of review. Wait, that's exactly what you are. Wait, I'm so confused. They eat M&M's and get diarrhea every time? Just the extremely overpriced ones. Oh, the expensive ones, right. With better ingredients? I don't know what it is about them.

I don't know. I don't know how to make this play. Yeah, it's just not playing. Okay. All right. Well, it was fun while it lasted. Okay. I have one of Eminem.

I think Eminem's world just fucked all my shit up. Okay. Am I allowed to swear? Who knows? Okay. This is a one-star review by John. We got stuck in your elevator for over 30 minutes. It was extremely hot inside your elevator.

People had to start undressing. What? Because we couldn't breathe. Two of your reviews now have people undressing most of them do i it's i don't know don't ask me why okay let's not delve into it uh i started to have an asthma attack a pregnant woman started having a panic attack and then her husband started freaking out first he started hitting the walls and screaming. Okay, you are not kidding about your reviews.

No, and this isn't even the one where shoes got ripped in half. Yeah, this is a violent place. It's what is violent, I told you. Wait for this part. First, he started hitting the walls and screaming. Then, he tried to break open the roof. I had to call 911 multiple times. Then when we finally got out, nobody on the staff even cared that this happened to me.

We didn't even get a free M&M Not Even One. End of review. Maybe it just happens so often. Not again. We'd run out of business. This guy just crawls out of the roof of the elevator end of review maybe it just happens so often they're like not again we'd run out of business this guy just crawls out of the roof of the elevator

and they're like no free M&M's for you someone probably messed with it trying to get free M&M's these people are crazy yes that's exactly right okay

I've got one more of M&M's World jeez okay this is by Sam one star I'm hoping this translates well but we'll see. Oh, I got it.

Thank you. Perfect timing. It was my fault, not your Spotify, I promise. I went to M&M World expecting a fun experience. However, it was all spoiled by a grinch of an M&M employee. I was fulfilling my dream of making a custom M&M. Big dreams. Big dreams in this part of the world, yes. And I had chosen the words Kigbok. Kigbok. Sorry, what? I'm going to spell it out for everyone.

You're going to have to try to use your imagination. C-I-G-B-O-C-K. And then if you switch the C and the B. Oh, for God's sake. There's more. Of course there is. So, Kig Bok. Pig Beanus. Oh, for God's sake.

This is their dream in life? And Wig beaner. That's my favorite. That's bad. That's my favorite. The machine allowed me to write this on the M&M. However, when I brought it up to be printed, the employee made a big deal about it and called her manager.

She was very rude and made me reprint the M&M. I hate the M&M world. End of review. Well, what did they change you to? I do like that that they had to change it. They were like, okay, fine, I'll do my second plan B.

Oh my god, I can only imagine the possibilities that this person has created. I don't want to. Oh, my God. I can only imagine the possibilities that this person has created. I don't want to. I don't either. Okay. We're moving now to Bubba Gump Shrimp. Your other star location.

Okay. Ronald gave it one star. you would have to have a very low iq to think this food tastes good it's awful tasteless poorly prepared overpriced processed seafood served cold eventually the service and management are clueless which seems to be the theme here i ordered the seafood platter which looks like a kid's meal in a Happy Meal box. A fish filet would be better than the two pinky finger sized fish strips. Wow, that's a rough sentence.

Not gonna try again. Two tiny shrimp and two meatball sized crab pieces served atop stale hardened fries. They couldn't even pay me to eat this dog food. Please don't waste your time. Anything would be better, even that street vendor who blows his nose with his hands. End of review. I read that whole stupid review just for the last line. I was wondering when it was coming. I knew there was something coming. This is just like every other review you read on Yelp. And then it was like, okay, there it is.

Oh, is that a thing? I don't want to know. Don't tell me. Okay. Well, I think we should avoid them either way. Yeah. Okay. No offense, New Yorkers.

Yeah. We're kind of just throwing you under the bus. I'm sorry. Your turn? Yeah. Where are we going? You know what? Let's go to Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Ooh. Nice and quick one by Sean. Two stars. Okay, we're moving on up. Believe it or not, it's a ripoff. End of review. I love those stupid ones. I had to throw in a really dumb one like that.

Some people on the internet are kind of funny sometimes. Sometimes. Okay. Where are we going? You tell me. I have a problem. We're going back to Eminem World. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I should have told you where to go next. I have a problem. We're going back to M&M World. I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have done that. I should have told you where to go next. I can't stop myself. I have so many. Okay. This is One Star by Nancy. I'm giving M&M World one star because I'm upset at whoever made M&Ms without peanuts.

Wait, wait, what? Without peanuts? Yes. Not even with peanuts? Okay, sorry. There should be one kind only. As if the peanut ones came first? Okay, I'm sorry.

Nancy's going to explain herself. Sort of. It's disgusting. If I wanted to just eat chocolate, I would go Sort of. It's disgusting. If I wanted to just eat chocolate, I would go buy a Hershey's Kiss. I am outraged at this decision and think it should be revoked from the market. Please and thank you.

End of review. What world is this person living in? Eminem world. There's literally a Hershey's place right next door, right? I think there's a Hershey's thing in Times Square. Yeah, there's something, but that wasn't as exciting. For some reason, Eminem's world. Yeah, I didn't find any good ones there.

Something's in the water. Crazies go to the Eminem place. Okay, your turn. Are we ready for a landmark? Oh, yeah. Probably. How about the Statue of Liberty? Sure.

We can see it out the window. That's the first time I saw it was from the windows up here. People had a lot to say about the Statue of Liberty. You go first. Here's what Philip had to say. He gave it one star.

This was a big green statue. A plus. Observant. This was a big green statue, and that's it. Very boring. No hot dog. End of review. I thought he was going to be like, no water slide.

Like, what else would it be? A big statue. Once again, he's very observant. He's not wrong. He probably just goes to places all over the world and is like, Hot dog? No, he's a little check mark. Color of the statue, size of the statue, okay. He's probably a local guy, too. Okay, I also have a Statue of Liberty one.

This one's very short. This is by Julian. One star. Honestly, I've never been, but I've seen it in movies, and this landmark feels completely random to me. End of review. What a little asshole. I mean, where did they get that idea?

You sit on the internet and you're like, you know what, I have something to say. You've never even been there? Okay. I don't even know why I try to pick apart these people. We always do. We always try to rationalize their thinking and it never works

never worked alright I have one of the Empire State Building fantastic Daniel says one star people told me it was taller wouldn't recommend end of review

who told him that? I don't know that's what i'm wondering it's like what what kind of conversation is that where they tell oh it's this many feet how tall is it yeah and then he goes he's like wait a second it's it's not that tall it's 20 feet less so sad yeah it's pretty tragic um i don't have one of the Empire Stable Lining, but I do have one of Central Park. Uh-oh. One Star by Ronald. Horse dung, Belgian waffle truck.

I think this might also, just a quick side note, I think it might be a poem. I haven't figured it out. Sometimes people write haikus. It sounds like cons and pros. Belgian waffles? As the pro. Right. That's why I said it in that order.

I did that on purpose. Trying to weigh them. Okay. Cons and pros. Got it. Horstung, Belgian waffle truck, harassed to take a carriage ride. It all started at the Apple store. How long is this? this sounds like a novel we're getting into

the carriage followed us all the way to the park from the Apple store? I think he just saw different carriages and assumed it was like following him to the park dirty statue of liberty street performer saw different carriages and assumed it was like following him to the park. Dirty statue of Liberty Street Performer. Horse dung. Tourists. Plenty of them.

Dirty water. People rolling around in the grass. I can't tell what's a pro and a con anymore. Barefoot. Gross. Horse dung, and a burger. It's really beautiful, actually, if you think about it. So are the people barefoot?

Who's to say? It's Ronald Barefoot. The horse that's following him around. Actually, no. I think they wear shoes, don't they? No? Okay. I'm sorry.

We're not from this city, in case you can't tell. Do you put shoes on your horses? We don't have horses in Los Angeles. I've got another one of the Empire State Building. Great. Okay, so this is by Xavier, one star. Tonight, it was impossible to see a thing due to fog ticket lost for nothing and they perfectly know that visibility was very bad but continued to allow people enter and get to the top without

saying a word or announcing anything so i think they seem to be only interested in money. End of review. Just look up. Oh, my sweet friend. It's like, oh, what's the visibility like today? They should put up a sign. This was one of hundreds of people who complained about clouds, about fog,

about the protective fencing that keeps people from jumping off. Someone really wrote a review about how they want that to be removed so you have a better view. They're like, my camera, I can't get it in there and take a good picture.

Oh, God. People are insane. Yeah, maybe they should just put up a sign. Not let anyone in anymore. It seems to never end well. Okay. Oh, I have one of Yankee Stadium. No?

No, cheers. Great. Usually our fans really love sports. Yeah, we're... So, it's a surprise. We cater to a very specific audience. Okay, one star by James. I called Craig Cartman multiple, multiple times

to find out about the veteran of the game program with no calls returned. Due to Yankee insensitivity and especially the callousness of Craig Cartman. Also, this gets a little sad. I'm sorry. Oh, good. But I just thought... You always have to throw a sad one in there. Sorry, I always ruin little sad. I'm sorry. Oh, good.

But I just thought... You always have to throw a sad one. Sorry. I always ruin the mood. Okay. And the callousness of Craig Cartman, who was too busy to return at least one of my calls, I couldn't get my... When she laughs like that,

you know it's something she shouldn't be laughing at? I don't know why I didn't remove this one. Okay. Okay. it's something she shouldn't be laughing at. I don't know why I didn't remove this one. Okay. I couldn't get my 92-year-old dad in on time,

and I was told that I had to wait another year before he would be considered again. Well, Craig, my dad died today. Oh, my God. I hope you're happy, Craig. I'm sorry. I mean, happy, Craig. I'm sorry. I mean, well, okay. Okay, hear me out. Hear me out.

This is why I thought it was funny, because... Yeah, tell us why you think this is funny. This can only get better. I thought it was funny because James, the day his dad died, was like, let me get on Yelp real quick. That's true. I have to talk about Craig. He's got his priorities set. He was waiting to yell me get on Yelp real quick. That's true. I have to talk about Craig. He was waiting to yell at

Craig through Yelp. He's probably like, I hope he dies before the next year so I can stick it to Craig. Dallas Craig. Now I'm joining you in this terribleness. Are you serious? By making that comment, I've got to step away from this. I'm not associated with that.

Okay, great. I have one of the not associated with that. Okay, great. All right, I have one of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Okay, great. One star by Davis. Oh, we've got a museum fan. Right, more than the sports. Great. Well, Davis, yeah.

Doesn't agree. Davis says, it's cool if you like art. I don't like art. End of review. Short and sweet. Art. I don't like art. End of review. Short and sweet. I gotta say, it's pretty classic.

At least gave a reason for a one-star review. At least. I didn't read this one, but there was one I found of Wicked on Broadway, and it was like, if you're like most men, you hate singing, too. I was like if you're like most men you hate singing too i was like oh my god anyway all right let's go to cats on broadway yes you know i tried really hard to find a five star redemption and i couldn't and i'm sorry

i'm so sorry so this is the one star by ella sorry but one of the worst shows I've ever seen on Broadway. Not exactly appropriate for kids. I took my little one and there is way too much sexy moves. No. I just spit everywhere. Don't say that. I'm so sorry. No.

There is way too much sexy moves and wiggling of behinds going on. Some kids got so scared they started crying. The cats, they jump out of nowhere. The show sounds terrifying to me. I've never seen it. But also super sexy. Okay. Okay. They jump out of nowhere. But also super sexy. Okay. Okay.

They jump out of nowhere next to you or even above you. I don't think that part's true. We left after the first half. It was too boring. Okay. That one threw me. No, no, no, no, no. You can't say all of that and then say it's boring. Sounds pretty fucking exciting.

It's too boring and not entertaining for my child. Unfortunate waste of money. End of review. You don't belong there. Whoever you are. I don't even remember your name. You're boring. Whoa. I've got a quick one of

the Brooklyn Bridge. By Christian. One star. PP. End of review. This is the class. I did a lot of good research. This is the class in maturity we try to bring you every Wednesday. On Beach Chiefs.

I needed to get as many landmarks in as possible. Yeah, you did it. Good job. Now we can say we did the Brooklyn Bridge. No one can complain. So we're already approaching our half hour mark. So we're past it, actually. But that's okay.

I have a redemption because I know I always make everyone feel really bad. Yeah. So we want to end on a good note. Yay. I have no idea what this is. So if it's not a good note, I'm sorry. This is an homage. This is a five-star review of Sbarro Times Square.

Yes. Which has since closed, unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it. Okay. I've got to find my manager music. Redemption music. Ready? Let's go. Five Stars by Pam.

In my one week stay in New York City, this was the first restaurant we ate at in our party. It was absolutely amazing. Yes. The staff are so lovely and welcoming as they greeted us with rhythmic singing and a tambourine. It's a weird-ass city. How did this place close?

The food was absolutely spectacular. The pizza was gorgeous, even though it was dripping in so much oil. The cheesecake? Amazing. But the salad? Oh my lord, the salad! What? It was perfect.

This can't be real. In my entire life, I have never eaten corn and green beans that have tasted so good. A lovely place to go. Best slice of New York pizza I've ever had. End of review. I think that might have been the most insulting one to all the New Yorkers. My redemptions are always a little bit backhanded. That's hilarious, though.

That made me very happy, personally. I don't care about them, but for me, it was uplifting. Pam is crying somewhere now that they're closed. The salad. The tambourine. I mean, come on. That can't be real, right? I hope it was.

All right. All right. Well, thank you, everyone. Thank you for having us, guys. Yes. you