Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Schiefer Madness: Erotic Hand Sanitizer

Episode Date: April 10, 2020

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Welcome to episode four of Schieffer Madness. Get me out of here. Madness is getting to me. Madness is getting to all of us.

In this edition, we're back to reading reviews related to the ongoing pandemic. Yes, and I do want to throw out a little, a little good vibes, as they say in lovely Southern California, because Yelp apparently had to lay off, I think 35% of their staff today. I did see that. And so that's really rough. And I know a lot of people who are losing their jobs. And so heartfelt condolences. And I mean, I can't think of anything but good vibes. I, my brain has been turned to mush. So with that in mind, we're hoping to just distract you a little bit from all the chaos. It's something.

I don't know. It is something. Well, let's leave it at that. It is something. All right. We're going to pick up where we left off last time. Yeah. I.

Oh, do you have something to say? No. Okay, good. I mean, I do, but I always do. I'm going to interrupt up where we left off last time. Yeah. I. Oh, do you have something to say? No. Okay, good. I mean, I do, but I always do. I'm going to interrupt you then. Great. To tell you that I have a review for. This is on walmart.com.

Disney Frozen 2 cosmetic set with mini body glitter in box and lip gloss. Okay. First of all, don't put that on your face, anyone. Can you just remind everyone, if you remember, what items are in this? Body glitter, lip balm or lip gloss. Lip gloss. That's all. You got it.

And a lot of snowy magic. Yes. Those are the three items in here okay now that we have context let's read a review shall we please the two-star review by dorothy titled not as described there's no hand sanitizer in the box as advertised it is a body glitter opened it up before i realized and of review oh my god it's from march 16th 2020 so dorothy the madness has gotten to you too the only way i can give them the benefit of the doubt is if i'd like to see you try walmart for some reason changed the title of

it to like trick people but that seems pretty i think maybe what actually happened is that uh there was she typed in hand sanitizer and it like came up in a search as like hand lotion or something it came up in the search and she's like this is hand sanitizer and it's the only one left you know what what that's how i found it i typed in hand sanitizer that's true wait really that's how i found this reveal oh well then yeah she probably just typed it in and thought i'm not gonna actually read the description as advertised you go through them and then they have related items as you go on that aren't exactly related to your search there you go i guess that makes sense hand sanitizer there yeah there is nothing on this page that says it has hands i mean i'm not gonna lie i think when we have kids someday like it's gonna hand sanitizer is gonna be one of those things we're always just like

pushing on our children as like a weird post uh epidemic behavior where they're like why i don't need this and we're like you need it we must stockpile it um and so we might start putting it in frozen makeup kits but uh there you go yeah that's true though and i realized certain behaviors that i'm like you know i'm probably gonna stick with this it's not that i don't wash my hands regularly but after watching like how to wash your hands like gifs i'm like oh okay i should i never really take the 20 seconds or whatever to like thoroughly wash my hands and i'm probably gonna do that now for the rest of my life just because of this whole thing really singing a lot of smash mouth uh lately because of it oh is that what you have is that what you sing that's one of

them yeah i usually just count so well that's boring really boring it's like those toothbrushes that sing a song when you uh-huh yeah smash mouth the smash mouth toothbrush they need like sink attachments get it smash mouth toothbrush don't smash mouth when you use a toothbrush it's not that's not good for your teeth smash this toothbrush in your mouth uh okay then your turn thank you my next review was sent in by mahali mahali sent a bunch and I used two of them last week and now I'm going to use two of them this week. So this one is from let's see, Amazon. It is a review

of an Ultrasoft toilet paper. I believe Presto brand, which is Amazon's brand. And it is a six count pack of four, Ultrasoft. This was written by Shererry and the subject is watch out other brands very impressed over the quality of this paper i'm a picky person when it comes to toilet paper here i've laid out three brands for you to compare weirdly i don't see much

difference in walmart brand ando. I asked my husband which of these two did he prefer. He said Presto was thicker. He did not know the names of them. Are we sure he didn't say Presto is the best-o? Well, considering he didn't actually know the name of it,

he didn't really get that chance to make the hilarious joke. You had a leg up. For all those people out there who have this toilet paper, feel free to use that joke. I have that toilet paper, and I will. Use it on Blaze. He doesn't listen anyway. Presto is the best-o. I've laid out three brands for you to compare.

Weirdly, I don't see much difference in Walmart brand and Presto. I asked my husband which of these two did he prefer. He said Presto was thicker. He did not know the names of them. I just gave him three squares each to test out. But in the photo below, Walmart seems a tad larger, but Presto is def softer. I'm very pleased with this brand. Can't wait to try the paper towels if I can ever get them since this virus uh end of review and now there is this picture here oh god it's hard to see where literally uh Cheryl Sherry has laid out all the brands lined them up and pulled out three

individual squares then post-noted each one with the brand name then has another set of them like without the the name to test out you don't even she's created an entire blind wipe test a blind test um a blind what test blind wipe test uh we're all adults we know what it's being used for i mean i don't know if she gave her husband three squares to use for that purpose because i'd hope he'd get a couple more but no if it's that good why would you need more than three you know the best since you're uh i know my suddenly the hygiene expert um i tweeted about this today but um i was on postmates this morning i ordered some breakfast and it said uh suggested add-ons at the end the first suggestion was roll of toilet paper seriously on postmates on postmates oh my what a society it's gonna be purell and toilet paper

these are the things we put in like our children's lunches every day halloween is gonna halloween you're right you're gonna know like oh the king size the double ply that's how you know it's a good house on the block forget king size snickers bars anyway so she set out this whole test testing station and seems very pleased um and like to be clear she bought 24 rolls of each one so she has a lot of testing going on in her facility. And by that, I mean living room. You got to keep busy somehow.

I think she's at least being productive. Providing a service. Providing a service. I respect it. Your turn. My next review is of the movie Quarantine. Uh-oh. Let me first read the plot summary.

A television reporter and her cameraman are trapped inside a building quarantined by the CDC after the outbreak of a mysterious virus which turns humans into bloodthirsty killers. Uh-oh. This is a one-star review. On which platform? On IMDb. Okay. Don't watch this during this corona crisis. Just don't.

It made me feel more uncomfortable about the whole situation. End of review. I thought it would make me feel so much more comfortable. I know. Who would watch a movie, first of all, titled Quarantine? Like, you don't even need to read the description to know that it's somewhat relevant to what's going on i think that's really a dumb dumb dumb that's a dumb dumb that's a dumb dumb that's a dumb i'm gonna watch it later just to really bring myself further into the discomfort just like really relish the discomfort honestly like i have not

seen this movie but based on that plot summary i feel like that kind of tells you hey it could be worse that's true maybe it is maybe that's what they were seeking a little bit of like schadenfreude like well sucks for you i still get to play with toilet paper and i don't have any bloodthirsty humans after me unless that is actually what is happening to this reviewer and they're like man not again i was hopefully i was hoping to be distracted from that whole situation it's exactly what this movie's about god damn it me and my cameraman wanted to have a little distraction now this next one i have for you is also from mahailey from amazon um and this is a review of toilet paper um this is a review of presto is the best oh ultra strong six count pack of one pattern single this is by dj it's a five star review titled soft as a pillow thick as a

mattress oh i think that's a little hyperbole there, but that's okay. I hope so. At least for the mattress part. Yeah. Finally, a good quality toilet paper for a decent price. Too bad that it's unavailable now during the coronavirus outbreak. I believe what I have will

last at least until May. Please have supplies available on May Day, May 1st, so that we don't have to cry May Day. Dad, is that you? Yes, I think it is. I think DJ is Bernie's Amazon pen name. I wouldn't be surprised. That is exactly the kind of joke you would make mayday did everyone hear that mate i don't think you heard it i don't hear anyone laughing hello um so that's that thank you for sending that mahali mahali thank you for all of your reviews that you sent in i appreciate it so my next one is not a review per se oh that's literally what they said in the email oh i feel weird that it's as

if i'm quoting them um okay so let me just read what sarah has to say sarah says i saw this on a local facebook page i know it's not a review per se but i hope it makes you laugh and this is a post someone made in a facebook group And it's more of a review of the whole situation that's going on. Okay. Dear lady at Publix, I know you probably didn't see me behind you, staring you down as you repeatedly

rubbed your fingers around and in your mouth like you were trying to wipe away the crust of last night's bad decisions. Okay. Okay. Good start. That's all. Just keep going.

You don't even need, I don't even know. You probably didn't see as I lurched violently, my body physically reacting to the wave of hatred that rose within my gut as you went straight from wiping your mouth to shoving your card in the reader and sexually violating the pin pad with your moist fingers. Okay, calm down. First of all. There's not much calmness happening here. Great. And you most certainly didn't see as I gestured to the back of your head like an air traffic controller guiding an invisible 747 full of what the fuck is wrong with you toward your

skull as the cashier politely told you to quote have a nice day and be safe prompting you to pull out your bath and body works hand sanitizer keychain which matched your pink painted claws and laugh back to him don't worry i bring my hand sanitizer with me everywhere i go as he walked away the poor cashier looked to me his glasses fogged from having to wear a mask he had witnessed my soul completely evacuate my body and he knew it he knew end of post and then our souls together and now everyone's soul had to leave the public's yes that's awful and that i mean people are dying like cashiers are dying of this virus because people are running around coughing and spitting on things.

It's insanity. With no regard for their fellow human. Yikes. I saw someone yell. So the one place I went since this whole thing started was a pharmacy to get my medication. And, of course someone sneezed without covering their mouth and i didn't see it but the woman behind me saw it and proceeded to call that person out in front of everyone and was like that is disgusting

like especially during a time like this you have to cover your mouth. So hopefully that person was shamed into never doing that again. It's just like it was never okay to not cover your sneeze. Like, since when? I mean, we learned that as five-year-olds. Yeah. And I do not like confrontation. Like, it makes me very uncomfortable. But in this case, I was like, yeah, someone needs to say something,

because that's really fucked up. And it's not going to be me. Well, no. I didn didn't see it but it definitely would have been me even if I had you would have oh I said it wouldn't I was like I could not no I do you know me I would have gone to the podcast room and recorded something like this to complain I know I talked to thousands of people each week but none of them can talk back to me so it's okay right that's exactly right um okay well my next one um was sent in by lisa lisa says i work at a hospital and i'm making stress relief kits for my team i was looking for coloring books to include and came across fucking adorable, cute critters with foul mouths, which I'm pretty sure most of

us would really enjoy at this moment in time. But I had to dive into the reviews. How could I resist? And thank you so much for what you're doing right now. It's just what I need on the 4am ferry ride into Seattle. You make me laugh, which is something we all need right now. Lisa, she, her. Lisa, thank you for what you do and all the great work you're doing to save lives and also save people's sanity with your fun little stress kits. This is the coloring book Lisa found for the Corona team stress kits. It is on Amazon and is a coloring book full of critters who are saying maybe what some might see as unsightly phrases.

Unsightly? Unheardly? Unsavory? Unsavory. Is that the word? I don't know. Unsavory is probably the right word. And so this is a review by JB in and so this is i've uh a review by jb in christ

it is a one-star review i'm not surprised by that i know it's pretty much exactly what you would expect disgusting book they should be ashamed if i could give this book negative stars i would this is a perfect example of satan using adults to reach children without targeting children. It is sickening and degrading and should be pulled off the shelves for sale. One person found this helpful. No for view. And then Lisa bought 40 copies. Good for you, Lisa.

Just kidding. I don't know if she did. But I really thoroughly appreciate that this was something Lisa thought of as a personal stress relief tool. What a great idea. Yeah. Yeah. So that's that.

I just had to do some like, you know, classic. That's classic. That is classic. That's perfect. Oh, JB in Christ. Poor JB. No. My next one is from Courtney.

Courtney says, hello, king and queen of podcasting. They know we're siblings, right? That's kind of weird. Yeah. Well, I guess you could be like, I could be king of one, rule one region and you could rule a different region. Queen of another. Yeah, I guess I flipped those, huh?

2020. I feel like we could be like relate like siblings like i don't know i don't know how it works i don't either i don't know enough about royalty i'm american i don't like royalty by blood um hello king and queen of podcasting i absolutely love your podcast i'm a nurse in the surgical intensive care unit in roanoke virginia we've been quite busy with all of the COVID chaos going on. I like how all of these people who work in hospitals are like, hey, let me help your podcast while I'm actually working to save people's lives on the front lines. But here's some stuff that will help you do your

job inside your living room. I'm going to research things that relate to this pandemic that I'm suffering through. Oh, gosh. Every morning on my way to work i look forward to listening to your reviews because it always starts my day off on a positive note here is a redemption review i found on amazon so this is a review of covid 69 oh an erotic coronavirus quarantine story oh my parentheses sex in the time of coronavirus book one oh my god book one book one god damn it this is a review by comedy 34 five stars the one and only review of this book for for the record. Before I continue, I need you to know that the author is Jay Andrews. I thought it was COVID-34, or Comedy 34.

No, the author of COVID-69 is Jay Andrews. Oh, but the reviewer... Comedy 34 is the reviewer. Okay. Five stars, I'll start again. Who knew quarantines could be sexy? Jay Andrews is the next big thing when it comes to erotic hand sanitizer. I felt dirty and clean all the way through.

Looking forward to the audio version so I can listen to the dirty while keeping my hands free and clean. End of review. Sorry, my skin has actually crawled off my body and left the building. Never to be seen again. It's a disgusting sight, folks. Not as disgusting as what we just heard. This really puts my smash mouth singing,

hand wash singing, to shame. Can you imagine that's one of those things where you think your Bluetooth headphones are in and they're not, and then you hit play on the subway and it's like, like presumably way after this virus has kind of died down, and then you're in the subway and you just like turn it on, because you're still so into it, because your name's Comedy 34, and this is just, I guess, what your new thing is. I'd like to think if that happens to you, someone out there,

that you reflect and say to yourself, you know what, that's kind of what I get for listening to this in a public place. Not saying you shouldn't be able to listen to it. Right. But if you do. You can listen to whatever you want, to be clear. I think it's a little, the hand sanitizer, not loving it.

I don't know. Just not my thing, I guess. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. So I hope this is not a sign, but it probably is of more erotic fiction to come

out of this pandemic. And I don't feel super good about it. No, me neither. Okay, glad we're on the same page. I have a review sent in by Kayla. This is my last one. This is funny because Kayla said, I'm resending because I made a typo in the subject line.

And the typo was, e-tween you and us. And I just thoroughly enjoyed that. Kayla was like, they won't figure that out. They won't figure out between you and us if there's no B at the end. Just kidding, Kayla. What could go there? What could possibly, what could they possibly mean so this is from kayla thank you for sending um kayla is full of sass ready i hope i don't

think i have give me a couple more seconds i hope you're all surviving or survived since you probably won't see this for another year quarantine and that your animal crossing islands are coming along better than mine anyway while scouring the internet for any type of paper products i could find i've been doing this too i've been looking for paper towels i've been looking for microfiber towels i've been looking for uh toilet paper napkins it's like so hard to find kleenex it's hard to find any sort of paper product um so kayla says uh while scouring for any type of paper products i found this review of seedling by grove tree free napkins from grove.co uh grove.co slash drink if you're interested in that just saying uh it was nice to see something pleasant for once and this gave me a laugh

and that is why i'm ending on a positive please please and uh kayla says love you guys and thanks for making me laugh even in this weird dark time um i have since gone on grove.co because i do have a membership and you bought this i did buy them because i was like wait how have i not thought to look there i've only been looking on amazon and walmart and stuff okay i have so much bamboo toilet paper i'm set for life oh my god okay so this says this is a review of the seedling by grove tree free napkins that uh written this march so people or this past march so people are buying these um to replace the paper products that they have been uh denied by the rest of the world greg says five stars elegant i mean not a cloth towel, but better than McDonald's napkins.

I truly enjoyed using this product. Okay, I get it. It's only a napkin. I've tried the ones from the supermarket and I guess they're usable. You know, average. These are crisp, comfy, soft, and wonderful to use. And they aren't made by pillaging a tree. Sincerely, are we still discussing napkins? You betcha.

Very soft. Very enjoyable. Five stars every day. Now, where did I just put my napkin? Is it like a little handkerchief keeps in his uh pocket or something i put that silly now oh on top of my head i literally you're halfway through that and i'm sitting here like no i kind of want to try these and then i realized that you bought them i'm like yay i know well not for you i know i'm gonna steal one i'm typing in grove well i did my laundry

today and happened to be like four of your microfiber towels in there oh yeah so i folded them nicely and set them with the others but the others underneath your bed in a pile just kidding um but truly uh if you do want they do still have products available there grove.co slash drink just saying and maybe venmo me some money so that i get something out of this? I don't know. Okay. Your turn. I'm out. Oh, that's it! That's all we've got! We did it! Time to buy napkins!

But you know what? Maybe we'll have another bonus for you next week. That would be lovely. We'll see. We'll see. I mean, well, I'll be out of there by then, right? We'll be out of here. Oh, of course. Everybody will be healthy again, right? I wonder how people like listening to this a year from now, assuming that people listen to us in a year. Ass assuming that podcast industry hasn't collapsed in on itself yeah yeah um or we haven't or we um anyway uh i wonder what it's like to go through all these weird like pandemic reviews well what about in like 20 years they're probably over

it because i feel like every podcast i listen to is talking about it now. True, true. However, actually, I was listening to a few podcasts and I was kind of going through the back catalogs. And every time it got to November 2016, things got weird. Oh, the election. Yeah. I'm like, what happened? I was like, oh, fuck. Yeah, remember, things got real weird and real sad and most of the comedy shows i listened to and people spend like a solid 10 minutes being like things are gonna be okay

like i mean it was really dark there for a while um and so i personally find it interesting because it's like a throwback into something time capsule kind of thing yeah that's weird yeah these are like maybe some dark times yes they definitely are dark times but i mean like that's a one way to see it in the world of podcast somebody tweeted the other day i saw it um on my feed it was like i don't know about you guys but i'm pretty tired of living through historically significant events me too absolutely they never end let's be boring for once please all right well thanks everyone for listening i'm sure we'll be back well we probably won't have a choice because we'll probably still be stuck here. Yeah. Talk.

So talk to you soon. And talk to us if you want at beach. She's sending a gmail.com. If you find any more COVID related reviews or anything else, just, just say hi. Just come say hi. Tell us how your napkins are doing.

Yeah. Well, are they good for wiping? If you don't flush things that aren't toilet paper, if you need, need, you know, someone to test out all your toilet paper, since you, like Sherry, bought, you know, 20 rolls, feel free to send them my way. You can send us all the toilet paper you want us to test out. Because I'm not sharing my bamboo stuff with her. Oh, how unfortunate for me.

All right. Thanks, everyone, for listening. Thanks, guys. Bye. Stay safe. unfortunate for me all right thanks everyone for listening thanks guys bye stay safe