Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Schiefer Madness: Few Things Considered

Episode Date: May 22, 2020

Welcome to our first weekly Winnie-sode! We discuss jellybean storage, dried up condoms, and we touch on what it's like to be an oxygen-dependent woman of a certain age. That's our story, morning glory! Follow Alex on Twitch to watch our upcoming Jackbox Games nights! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Buy our brand new merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A and to participate in Jackbox Games nights! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, sirkoto51, and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, he's done it. Clicky click magic trick. The clicker around the room. You guys just about finished. Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC cash back master card. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think.

Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if i could she for madness it's a madness that we have it's named after our last name and something about drugs that we don't really know or and i've never watched no but we know of it and there's a musical version that we need to watch too that everyone keeps messaging us that we should probably watch so we finally understand the own our own reference welcome to she for madness this is another coronavirus episode um in which we read reviews that you have sent to us that uh you found that pertain to the current global crisis, also known as COVID-19. Thank you for that informative introduction.

I studied broadcast journalism, if you didn't know that. So, sometimes I like to, you know, show off my chops. Wow, they're incredible. Thank you. like to uh you know show off my chops wow they're incredible thank you well everyone um this is all things considered and we're gonna go ahead and this is actually one thing considered and very few things considered very few things few things considered with alex and christine and not michelle norris that's our title she for madness few things considered okay we crack ourselves up that's the funniest thing i've ever heard i don't know why

okay this is so dumb okay it's a bonus episode we can do what we want okay i'm just gonna read something thank you so here's an email from Lauren who says, Hello, Schieffer Sibs. Hope you are staying healthy and sane. No, not to the second part. Or the first part based on my recent eating habits. I was browsing face masks on Amazon and my mom's urging, following the CDC's recommendation that we all wear face masks,

and I found some reviews. So here we go. So I'm going to read one by Sunny. This is a one-star review titled, please refund me, cancel. Verified purchase. I don't want these as they are from China and the advertisement photo has a USA flag and reviews. What if it's because she's just mad about the USA? Like she's really thrilled it's from China, but she's like, and that USA flag really turns me off. You know what? Let's pretend that.

Let's put it the other way around. That makes me feel better. For once. For once, it's the opposite. I have a feeling it's not, though. But I love how that was their way of trying to get a refund, was write this review and say, please refund me. Cancel. Cancel.

It's like one of those old like text-based games like the original oregon trail i think was text-based we like type something in and then it happens yeah well that's what they grew up on unfortunately very unfortunate you have died of typhoid and nobody can save you and now here's a a five- review titled, These are for fashion, not COVID. Written by I Don't Have a Pen Name. For years, Asian countries have been using these types of masks for fashion statements. These aren't filtered masks. If you're looking for something to protect you,

I recommend asking your neighbor Karen, who's hoarding them. End of review. Oh my god but also like uh they can be both no they can't i just bought a mask on etsy that you are going to hate and it has lemons on it it has lemons all over and it's so beautiful and guess what it counts because we're supposed to wear masks now and to keep others safe from our germs. And they don't necessarily, they're not, you know, N95 masks. Yeah.

I mean, you can't get those. And you probably shouldn't get those because those should be reserved for people who actually are in those, in certain healthcare industries. Anyway. But yeah, Karen's hoarding all of them. That probably is true. those in certain uh healthcare industries anyway but yeah karen's hoarding all of them that probably it's true karen i mean and she she doesn't she's just a surgeon and she gets all of those fucking masks for herself it's so fucking unfair just like give them some to me give those unfashionable masks to me please you know how i got my first well actually my first and only mask i've been like washing it yeah how much i mean how where oh i do remember through postmates i was this is the most la bullshit it was as like things

were kind of starting to begin so this was i want to say yeah it was in march and i ordered from postmates and i forget what i was even ordering i think it was like vegan milkshakes or something weird. Like I was just in a mood. I was like, I need a vegan milkshake. And I looked through and they had, they offered like gloves and masks. And I was like, well, maybe I could use a mask. That would probably be smart if like I go anywhere because I hadn't left in whatever, however long.

And it's really come in handy. Yeah. And I got a nice reusable mask. Because now legally we have to wear one when we leave in LA. I guess mine's on par with that. I got my, I got one of mine by ordering beer from a local brewery. And during pickup that you just pop at the Golden Road in Glendale, you just pop your trunk. They put the beer in and with it comes a like bandana. What the Golden Road in Glendale, you just pop your trunk, they put the beer in, and with it comes a bandana.

What? Golden Road? I didn't know about any of this. Oh, Zandy. You drove all the way to Glendale? Zandy. Christina, you didn't tell me any of this. Oh, man. It's because I wanted all of it to myself. I can do another pickup today if you want. Let's go.

Okay, because it was really nice, and you get in a little drive-thru. Eva told me about it. You get in a drive--thru and then you pop your trunk and they just carry your order put it in the trunk and it comes with like a bandana like a mask band that's hilarious and it said it's it's pink and it says golden road on the bandana that's smart okay this is a side anyway where are we we're very far gone um We've just left the planet. But I'm going to read this review. So, this first one is from Becca Sheher. And she says, I've been a huge fan of your podcast. I really appreciate the extra content.

Podcasts are getting me through my workday lately. Hashtag essential. For a moment, I thought she was calling us essential. But she's explaining that she's essential, which makes a lot more sense. Yes. I came across a post on Nextdoor, you know, that fun app. Of course. That I think could qualify as a review.

And for those who don't know Nextdoor, that's an app where you want to describe it. It's like a neighborhood. Yeah, it's kind of like a neighborhood watch app, basically. So, everyone, you actually have to prove your address or enter your address, Basically, so everyone, you actually have to prove your address or enter your address, but you get entered into a group of your neighbors who can discuss things that are going on within your neighborhood. And like, I don't know, gossip or complain or share ring doorbell pictures happens a lot when people steal packages. That's like the most common one here in LA. But it's also helpful for like, I helped a dog find his home because of next door you know tank good old tank so rebecca says i live in vancouver washington right down the street from

the taco bell in the post i do agree the situation is unfortunate but this post made me laugh and i had to share thanks hope all is well for you becca okay i thought they meant that movie wasn't there a movie what never mind um ignore me okay hold on it's hard to ignore you when you're uh sorry browsing desperately i want to make sure i'm not crazy i thought they meant the taco bell like in the post the movie the post have you seen that movie no i don't know what that is it's about the washington post oh and like but like not about a taco no not not remotely and not not the same washington either what right okay i understand but um i see the connection it just was like i was like what post the movie i see the extremely interesting i didn't know there's a taco bell in that very

serious movie i see the extremely faint connections you've created i'm you know what i'm sorry what she meant was she's i get it now i'm just i was just i'm dumb no one else's clarify she lives right down the street from the taco belt in this next door that's mentioned in this next door post becca i'm sorry that was necessary and also that had to be explained to me it was not your fault was not necessary oh okay that part apparently had to be necessary so this um i'm gonna read to you and like i agree that like this is one of those where i'm gonna read to you and like i agree that like this is one of those where i'm like okay i get what you're coming from but it's just so wild that i

just have to read it here come the carrots making their way up field followed by the whole wheat bread over to the two dozen eggs sir do you do this every time sorry i've been a little excited ever since i got this bmo toronto fcCard. Oh, and the broccoli boots sit over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard

with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. This is by Melody. The subject is dining safety with Taco Bell in Sal in salmon creek i wasn't sure if i was going to even post my concerns or not but after thinking about this since it happened to me saturday evening 44 hours ago i'm sorry that's she counted from zero to 44

to find the exact hour and by by the time, it was originally 40, but then by the time she finally counted all the way back, she's like, shit, I've got four more hours. Not so stupid, sorry. I decided that I should at least inform you all of this because it is a health risk issue. I also really didn't know

what to do with what happened. So my boyfriend went to Taco Bell in Salmon Creek and ordered dinner when he brought me my dinner which was a chicken chalupa supreme i took i'm sorry i don't know why everything is funny to me i know i know exactly why because you're still picturing the post the movie that's what it is you're just putting this all in the context of that drama that political drama oh my god when he brought me my dinner which was a chicken chalupa dinner it just gets wilder i'm so sorry this is for the record this is in my head meryl streep oh my god when he brought me my dinner which was a chicken chalupa supreme i

took a bite and set it down and this perfectly round tomato i thought rolled off the top wait wait does the i thought have to do with the tomato like what they thought it was a tomato or they thought it rolled or they thought it was off the top or they thought it was perfectly round was it something that wasn't a tomato? Oh, God. Was it like a clown nose? Like, what could possibly be red and tomato-like? Okay, I'm scared. And this perfectly round tomato, I thought, rolled off the top.

So I picked it up thinking how cute it was. So tiny and perfect. However, it was not a tomato. It was a jelly bean what wait wait wait wait oh my god how i'm trying to rationalize i know that sometimes we share pictures for patrons can we please just share this for everyone when we shit because there's a picture of it because like you need to see it to understand this sure like i think this this is a good opportunity to not post a selfie for our instagram and just post a picture was a jelly bean. I was so angry at that point. I just couldn't believe it,

especially during these very serious times with the COVID-19 pandemic happening and how very important food safety should be anyways, especially now. I was floored to find this in my food. I called the Taco Bell and the manager was kind, but definitely not as concerned as I would think he should be regarding this issue. Sure, I got my money back for the chalupa, and when my boyfriend went to get my money, they made him another chalupa plus a drink and cinnamon twist, which I wasn't interested in eating anymore. I did appreciate the gesture and all, but it still really worries me.

I'm picturing the manager like hanging the phone up and looking around like who the fuck put a jelly bean in their chalupa and frank's back there like eating jelly wasn't me i mean come on what is going on but i i do also want to comment on how she's like now i was angry as if there was like reason to be angry before but like it was just the jelly bean that just sent her over the edge like she's constantly on this state of like on the edge but aren't we all during this crisis true okay i can't blame her for that but to be fair what i wondered was like the jelly bean rolled off and then her just immediate reaction is like fury like i i feel like i'd be confused for some reason i'm picturing like uh

hades and um and hercules hercules and the animated film yeah and like blows up in fire yeah that's exactly what she looked like melody um anyway there's a little bit more thank god so now that this has happened i will be worried for 14 days whether or not the person who dropped this jelly bean into my food has any health issues related to the virus. Okay. Wait. Yes, but wouldn't you already have that worry either way? Like, what is it about the jelly bean specifically? They popped it out of their mouth.

Yeah, is that what happened? Like, if that's what happened. No, I don't know. You know what I mean? You're right. Whoever was making the food. Well, because the jelly bean may have come from, it didn't come from within the idea. But then where the fuck did it come from?

Like, what? I'm so confused. Well, that's exactly right. That's a good point. It is scary. Like, it could have come from someone's house or, like, someone's pocket. I don't know. Those are my only two options.

I'm like, where do I keep my jelly beans? I keep them in my mouth. So, yeah. Just store them there, right? So, if one pops out. Yeah, you're right. We know how like obsessed Washington is with like squirrels. Right, true.

So that's how they have their jelly beans in their little mouth pocket. Thank God your mask has like a little flap for all the jelly beans that fall out. And then my beak has a fan in it to keep me cold. Oh my God. Okay. What if we just kept our jelly beans in our plague mask beak? That sounds like a great idea. You just tilt it and eat. Okay, don't make that.

ASMR. No, people don't like that. They get mad. They get mad at us no matter what we do. That's true. Okay. So, as you can imagine, what thoughts have been running around in my mind? As for eating a Taco Bell again, well, definitely not during this pandemic, and most definitely not the one in Salmon Creek. And I think they need to step up their food handling protocol, and if it wasn't someone at their restaurant, then they should look closely to their distributors.

And by the way, that was the manager's first excuse for this issue to me. He said he thinks it was probably the distributor that they get the tomatoes from. But I have a difficult time believing that it is the case here, to be honest. Did I do the right thing by calling him, or should I have let the health department know? Or what? I'm just not sure, and I have mixed thoughts about this. Because it could be just an isolated one-time issue, and I don't want the health department possibly closing the ability for drive-thru at this time.

But then again, I don't want anyone else to be in the same dilemma I am in right now either if this were to happen again, because I'm unclear and not real confident that the manager took this very seriously because he didn't appear too concerned about it in my opinion. And it is my opinion based on what he said and what he said he was going to do about handling it. If anything, at least I put this out here for you all to have knowledge of what happened from that restaurant. I am including a photo so you can also see it i need to see this photo it's so gross oh my god it's a literal jelly bean like you see it you know what when i first when when when she was talking about like oh look at this cute little round tomato i was like what the heck like a bright red and now i'm picturing looking at it i'm like yeah like it's so weird like a little tomato i

get it now but also you can tell it's absolutely not exactly like you look at it for like you glance at it definitely tomato you look at it for longer than one second oh my god that's a jelly bean it's like startling how this would be in your chalupa it's a pink like strawberry jelly bean and the fact that it's you know what and like if someone dropped the jelly bean near their food like what are the odds it would be the exact color of the tomatoes you know yeah like exactly yes that's not just like a black jelly bean that like in the process weirdly that's why i kind of believe the manager who says that it's from the distributor yeah like something got mixed in or something but why how this is a fucking mystery guys this is like the biggest mystery and i i just had to share it so thank

you we're just gonna like post this on our instagram and be like hey guys what's wrong with this picture i mean we have to right yeah i think so but um yeah so follow us this will have the least number of likes of any of our photos but if you want to see the nastiest chalupa of all time we're gonna fucking post it all right your turn wow thank you rebecca thank you and melody and i'm sorry about that yeah sorry melody that actually is like i would be freaked out too it was like kind of funny at first and i'm looking at this picture i'm like well yeah you know what it would have been funny a year ago right now it's not funny at all agreed agreed okay your turn okay stay safe everyone All right, this is an email from Olivia.

Olivia says, hi, friends. My ex recommended your podcast to me because he thought I complained a lot. Now, I've been listening since last fall and look forward to every episode. Finally, you found your people. I probably based the majority of my purchases off of reviews. So as i was looking for some disposable gloves i had to read the reviews okay so here is a review of protect x clear vinyl food gloves four mil thick mil m-i-l millimeter but who shortens millimeter to m-i-l protect x protect x does ideal for food prep and cleaning service disposable gloves food safe or latex free 100 disposable gloves per box powder free

medium here is a review by surya two stars titled chinese product i'm sorry i'm doing this you keep reading these ones after receiving the item i found that this product is made in China. I'm totally confused if I can wear it or not during this corona season. The extra large size exactly fits my hand. My height is 5'8", so I think the actual size is not XL. The quality feels like I'm wearing a dried up condom on my hand. End of review. Oh my god.

See, it was a little bit more than just a reference to China. Thank god, because those are getting old. And I love how they're like, I don't know if I can wear this. It fits great, though. It fits me perfectly. But like, it's so dumb. It fits me just like I imagined a dried up condom would. I don't even have to imagine it because that is what I was wearing before I bought these gloves. Also, a dried up. That's so gross.

Yeah, that is. That is not the way you should be described. I would. Oh, I don't want to think about that any further. Well, too late. I don't know what to say because I don't want to repeat it. So, yeah. Too late.

You stop thinking about it. That was pretty gnarly. I wonder if that Olivia did that. Which direction did you go after you read that review? Because my hope is I'll pass. But, you know, I mean, like I usually do. Let me check their cart. Oh, it looks like they have 10 in their cart.

Weird. 10 boxes of condoms. No. Well, 10 boxes of these 100 disposable gloves. And I noticed that they recently removed condoms from their car so they're like oh this will do instead yeah oh god interesting interesting choice what are you doing um and i like to think that they gave it one star for it being from china and then they were like oh i'll give it that extra star for the dried up condom feeling yeah yeah that very specific i like to think they sat there for a while and went

this feels so familiar what does this feel like god it's so familiar i just can't put my finger on it literally no and then they put their finger on a dried up condom went oh right that's the one this is a gross show okay continue please this is an email from marina who says hello again quarantine cuties aka we just talked to marina didn't we though marina was the one who suggested um one wage um oh that's right the uh the really long marina's the one who the one fair wage emergency wage yeah tipped and service worker fund. Well, hello again, Marina. Who sent the hand sanitizer spray email. The pump.

The pump. Pump it close to your hand, Kelly. Okay. Anyway, Marina sent another email that says, Hello again, quarantine cuties, a.k.a. sibs sheeps, a.k.a. the sheefer sissies. Whoa. I hope you're all doing well. I don't know when or if you'll be doing another special quarantine ep.

Well, but I simply had to when or if you'll be doing another special quarantine app. Well, but I simply had to send these to you. Disclaimer. These are not technically reviews, but rather a series of confusing emails I received from a customer who was desperately trying to order wine online from the winery I work at. So these are straight from the source. Love this. This is very exciting, by the way. I'm so amped about this one.

Background. I handle all the online customer service logistics it stuff so i'm the person who gets emailed when customers have technical issues ordering on our website this woman had emailed me last week asking for suggestions not technically what it help is for but i love wine so i gave her some anyway also i swear our site is working fine so i don't know why she's having these issues now let me read to you the tales of name redacted what should we call her uh i'm looking at those sausages on that beer sign over there yeah um so i was gonna say weenie but actually can we call how about winnie winnie sounds like a person who's struggling with the internet. Yeah. First email, April 11th.

Dear Marina, I have written earlier thanking you for your response to my request for wine suggestions. Now that you had gone to great lengths to respond to my request for wine selection options, I wanted to place an order at my earliest opportunity. I am a night owl who often conducts her business in the middle of the night. When I attempted to place an order, the section where you make your selection and place your order would not open. The section has functioned properly in the past because I have had no trouble placing an order before. Also, between every sentence and, like, every punctuation, comma, or otherwise, there's, like, at least four spaces.

I can tell there's something going on here. Is there a problem on your end, i.e. the site is overwhelmed by the volume of demand, the computer was turned off for the night, or perhaps was left in fax mode? Is that a joke? Oh, no. Your response to this inquiry

is greatly appreciated. Peace and blessings, Winnie. Next day, second email, April 12th. Dear Marina, one could wonder what all the fuss is about why don't i just pop right over grab a few bottles make my purchases and go my way which is exactly what i would do were i able however i am not what i am is an oxygen dependent woman that's the quote of the year so wild what i am is an oxygen dependent woman of a certain age who lives in baltimore maryland without a car to pop right over to your tacoma park store to make my purchases

additionally i don't have a child nor chick what does that mean a child nor chick don't read too much into this additionally i don't have a child nor chick to guilt into making this happen for me that's my story morning glory i love winnie already drunk and i'm so happy that's my story morning glory had i not previously in much to my delight ordered by mail i would be wondering if i were downloading this from the Twilight Zone. However, I did place and received an order and had every reason to look forward to doing so again. I don't know if my computer is at fault.

After all, it, like myself, is of a certain age. Perhaps it is worn out with the volume of pandemic-generated emails with which it has been inundated. I don't know what is going on. Well, yeah, we figured that out. That's okay, Wyn, you're doing your best. I also don't know what's going on. However, I tried to use the HTTPS address you provided and still was brought up to a page listing all the wines

that didn't allow me to highlight a selection and have it placed in the cart for purchase. Not to worry. I haven't reached the point in life to be designated a person of a certain age without facing issues and successfully navigating challenges. Therefore, I will continue to try to purchase from your site. I consider it rude, crude, and obnoxious to get through life's vicissitudes without an assuring glass of good vino to keep things in perspective.

Vicissa what? I'm so- I am Winnie and Winnie is me. This is amazing, but I don't know what's going on, but I love it. Impeccable vibes only. Oh, yeah. Thank you for all you've done and for producing a wine that is well worth the effort. Peace and blessings, Winnie. Marina says, that's all I have.

And hopefully she has figured out the site and it will stay that way. Thanks, you guys, for putting out great content. Cheers, Marina. Thanks for introducing us to Winnie. I need updates on Winnie. Yeah, seriously. ASAP, because I just love that Winnie is of a certain age. And like, I don't know what.

We'll just have Winnie episodes each week. I love a Winnie update. Yeah, let's do it. A weekly Winnie. Weekly Winnie. A weekly Winnie-sode. Hold on. Maybe too far. Marina, I appreciate it. please let me know if winnie ever emails again marina fired no we're not no we're not i just want to

know more about winnie i mean i do too we should have winnie on the show ideally but ideally but her computer is still on fax we've also said that about many people and no one has none of those people have reached out and we have not reached out to any of them either so because we're scared yeah um she is set on fax mode if you if you don't remember so i think we were gonna have to fax her to reach her okay yeah we'll send many faxing faxes are coming your way coming in hot all right i've got a last one for us this is from gina uh gina says the new quarantine based episodes have really been getting me through the hard times lately i thought i'd pitch in some content i found on amazon and you know how i've been giving you some mean bad reviews yes let's

end on a positive note huh thank god so these are reviews for fiskars Crafts 95237097J Rotary Sewing Cutting Set 3-Piece Gray. So, it's like a fabric cutting set, basically. Okay. I used to have Fiskars scissors like that. I think I'd like shape ones. Maybe. Maybe that's not right. But Fiskars sounds familiar.

Yeah. It's for like. Like shears. Well, yeah. It's, yeah. This is like a whole crafting like for fabric and like getting them in a certain shape. And you'll see why it's relevant. Mas Like shears? Well, yeah, it's, yeah, this is like a whole crafting, like for fabric and like getting them in a certain shape. And you'll see why it's relevant.

Masks, I assume? Okay. So here's some five star reviews. First one is from Elizabeth. Five stars, titled, Speeds Up Cutting Fabric. I'm sewing masks for healthcare workers and this really speeds up the process. And I can make sure I'm getting straight lines so much easier than trying to mark and cut with scissors. End of review.

Aww. Dawn says, Five stars, beginner. Sewing made easy. I picked this up to help with mask making. Have never sewed in my life, but this makes the cutting of material so easy a beginner can do it. Oh, Dawn. End of review and that's what gina says thank you uh gina says i especially like the reviews from absolute

beginners like don who are making masks great again like picking things up and like you know what i'm gonna make a difference so good on you guys i'm gonna make a fashion statement is that what you're gonna do well you know how they said that the masks were fashion statement yeah so but you that's what you know that's what don's gonna that's what don's gonna do yeah yeah only fat for fashion though yeah if you know don as well as i do you know he is all about that fashionista lifestyle yeah anyway d-a-w-n so oh i thought it was don like a middle aged dude that's what i pictured in my head yeah bummer well we could be presumptuous about whatever i know oh well anyway thanks everyone for listening well that just kind of like fizzled okay i built an entire like character in my head

well grandpa dawn um anyway thanks everyone for listening I really appreciate you checking in with us on our next Corona episode. If you find any reviews, whether they're, we like positive ones too, related to this crisis, since they're definitely very unique reviews out right now. Send them our way and we can hopefully, you know, find some light in the midst of all this troubling darkness. Yeah, our email is beach2sandy at gmail.com. Feel free to follow us on social media to see pictures of jelly beans at beach2sandy. If that's not going to

convince you, I don't know what will. Probably nothing. Probably nothing. Anyway, we're about to hop up to do our live stream with our patrons, but we will see you on Wednesday for our regularly scheduled programming. see you there you