Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Schiefer Madness: Social Distancing

Episode Date: March 20, 2020

Things you can do during the COVID-19 epidemic: Donate to help kids who depend on school lunches at http://www.nokidhungry.org Avoid purchasing WIC items to save them for families who depend on WIC. Support your local Chinese businesses! Self-isolate! Vulnerable members of the community are depending on all of us to help stop the spread of the virus. And finally, be kind to yourself. If you are struggling with your mental health, you can contact the confidential Crisis Text Line 24/7 by texting HOME to 741741 Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it's called the quarantine stream. Mmm, don't like that. Okay, welcome to our bonus episode because- Surprise, because we're stuck inside like you, hopefully.

Hopefully. Social distancing. Not hopefully stuck stuck hopefully purposefully hopefully like thriving yes like like your house plants that you're finally taking care of i was about to say we're all finally watering our plants i did yoga for the first time in four years i mean things are looking great for now yes for people who make a living with podcasts. And everyone else is shit out of luck. No, no. It sucks out there.

I'm sorry, everyone who's going through shit. It is tough. There's a lot of crap going on, I think we all know. And this is an episode where we decided to find reviews that are tangentially or directly related to the current coronavirus pandemic. Yeah. Take this chaos and channel it into something that might entertain you and keep you, keep your mind off things for a little bit. Yeah.

By doing the world of service. Also by telling you, you're welcome, first of all, world. Also by telling you directly exactly about the thing that you're trying to avoid. That's a good point. Sorry. Okay. Maybe not. Yeah.

I did want to make a quick note. I actually wrote it out to make sure I covered every point, which I rarely do, which is how you never do that. No. So I did want to say, we are not making light of COVID-19 here. This is not a jokey thing.

I mean, it will be soon, but it's not, the episode is not meant to be, to make light of the pandemic. but the episode's not meant to make light of the pandemic. We are sending our gratitude and great thanks to everyone who is out there having to work, whether that's healthcare workers like Blaze,

who I'm sure is listening to this currently in the ER, not, and my in-laws and everybody, as well as the people who suddenly have become like the most important people, cashiers, custodial workerslaws and everybody, as well as the people who suddenly have become like the most important people, cashiers, custodial workers, restaurant servers,

et cetera, but are still like not being paid or treated that way. So props to you. If that is one of you, if you're struggling, because their work has just gotten even more difficult and more intense and like delivery drivers. Yeah.

The amount of deliveries people are getting. Oh, I wrote that couriers. I forgot to say. Yeah. Servers, restaurant servers. It's wild out there. Anything, anybody in healthcare, it's rough. And I just wanted to say thank you.

And I know that a lot of you are not being treated the right way as you should be. I know a lot of people are out of a job now or are financially struggling suddenly, no matter what field you're in. So things are scary. But I have a couple things you can do points. Oh, let's hear them. To make you maybe feel like you're more in control or like you're uh if you have the means uh there are a couple of things you can do and people i am learning alongside you because i need these things yeah well let's see what i have got for you today i have a couple there are obviously a lot of things

you can find online but one of the things um that has that's been on my mind a lot is that uh 22 million kids in the u.s rely on school lunches every day. And so a lot of kids are out of a lunch, sometimes out of a breakfast, because there are record school closures for months on end sometimes. And there's a website that I've been a big fan of since I lived in D.C. called NoKidHungry.org. And you can donate there if you're allowed. Your parents give you your credit card. If you finally steal mom's PayPal account. Remember that time we bought a Pokemon card?

Or we bought a baseball card on eBay with mom's credit card when we were like 10. It was bad. Anyway, if you're allowed to, you can donate some money to No Kid Hungry or if you know someone who may qualify for a grant, whether that's a school or an organization, you can visit their site to fill that out. If you're buying groceries, please don't hoard.

There are a lot of people who need everyone, I guess, the necessities. And try to avoid buying items marked WIC because people who rely on WIC items to feed their kids often can't switch to another brand. So try to leave those on the shelves for people who need them. And please stay home if you can. I know a lot of people aren't worried about getting sick, but there are people who are elderly or immunocompromised at me and other vulnerable members of the community who are depending on you to please stop the spread of the virus so we can all go back to normal podcasting scheduling yes exactly and you can just listen to our podcast to entertain yourself over and over again definitely and then again

and yeah that's all you need to do and one more time yeah and to encourage you to um listen to what we have to say and to guide you on the right path of the path of righteousness we will uh in the name of beach juice sandy make a donation to no kid hungry uh 500 bucks yeah we are planning on um putting our money where our mouth is uh so to speak so if you have um if you have the means and the opportunity uh we encourage you to give as little or as much as you're willing to give and um or and support really whatever cause you want but yeah like we have a patreon for example you can donate to our i'm just kidding don't do that don't do that i mean do that well yeah but if you're like i only have two dollars to give this month don't and you want to give it

to someone you're right don't give it to us give it to no kid hungry please give it to a child if you have four dollars right two to us okay this has quickly gotten like not um we went from righteous to um what's the opposite of righteous there are a lot of them it's in a beatitude somewhere sandy water to what is the the antonym okay correct uh anyway so basically what we're saying is um that was real by the way we are doing that that was not a joke just to make sure you to do the same we're doing what we can uh during this horrible time um and also uh you know this is something i did not mention um and this is something i forgot

to write down but somehow actually my brain remembered it a lot of people most people are quote-unquote stuck home or thriving at home with their plants or whatever you may be doing and it was really hard on a lot of people mental health-wise we're fortunate enough to live somewhere where it's sunny and we can go outside and have a backyard but you know seasonal affective disorders are thing Being inside and being isolated is a high cause for depression. So if you are feeling like you need help, text the crisis text line at 24 seven it's confidential and you can text the word home to seven, four,

one, seven, four, one in the U S and that's all I've got for you now. So a friend of mine just told me about it and had great things to say. I guess you didn't look at my Insta story cause i posted it there the other day oh maybe that's where she got it uh no i'm just i'm just saying but so those are some that's crazy okay yeah i was like hey it's a really cool resource yes i've heard great things so i encourage you to do that if um yeah if you

feel you need it and i wanted to just give that all as a caveat as far as to say this is just this bonus episode is just a way to check in on our Yelpers who are out there and who are still somehow staying strong in their Yelp game despite not being able to attend or not being supposed to attend their local sushi place. And they do anyway. So we want to see how they're faring in the midst of this crisis. If you guys find any other reviews that are funny send them our way maybe we'll uh maybe we'll use those maybe if you send enough we'll see um so that's what we got that's what we got so we're fortunate we live together too oh yeah that's why it's not like we're traveling or going to a studio or anything we're literally walking to the next room over. We're self-distancing six feet apart.

We are also six feet apart. That's enough. And yeah. Okay. Well, with that in mind, why don't you go ahead and give us our first review? So I stopped talking so much. My first one is of Jungle Gyms. Really?

Yes. Oh my God. That was the first. The first review I've ever read, I think think on Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet was from Jungle Gyms, episode one. Cat clitter And I couldn't wait to find a new one This is a five star review

of Jungle Gyms They had toilet paper laughing my clean ass off, end of review L-M-C-A-O Written ago really yeah so that's how i know it's about all this craziness do you know what you've just done what you've created a mass of people who are now heading in their in their hazmat suits to jungle gyms there were multiple reviews mentioning they have toilet paper they also sell canned wine they sell fucking everything and you can drink while you shop and everything you can of course you probably

told me that in episode one um wow well that's a good and i do want to clarify i read it that way but it's actually like spelled lm and then they wrote out the word clean a o oh wow okay lmao but they did lm clean a o all oneA-O. All one word. Okay. So if you guys want to use that going forward. Which you do, I'm sure. If you have toilet paper, if not. If not, you're L-M-D-A-O. Or L-M-P-A-O. There's something weird about saying D in there.

I don't like that. Next. L-M-P-A-O. L-M-P-A-O. Poopy. Poopy. I was like, that doesn't sound any better because I don't know what that means. I'm so sorry.

Okay. Christina, you're laughing your poopy ass off. That's so gross. When am I not, though? You know what I am saying? Crohn's disease. Am I right? Okay.

So the first thing I did personally was check in with my cool cruisers. No. Of course. Because of all the cruise nonsense going on. I had to. You had to. It was forced by the universe. If anyone's like, what are you talking about? There was a whole thing with the cruise ships where she read cruise ship reviews that mentioned divorce.

Oh, that was a great episode. And she discovered the cruise ship blog blogs with the cool cruisers you need to if you haven't listened to that in like the last three days you should go listen to it again that is our most requested when people people email or dm or tweet they say hey i want to show my friend or my significant other or my mom whatever please tell me which episode it is and if you're wondering, it is episode 35. Oh my. Oh, that's a long time ago. Yeah.

It's souvenir shops in Atlantic City. It's the challenge in that. Wow. Well, so Alexander even put like music, pirate music in the background. I forgot all that. We learned all about the lingo. The other day, out of nowhere, Blaze just went, come here, DW. And I went, I don't like that one bit.

Dear wife is what that means. Yeah, my dear wife. For all the people that managed to avoid that episode that I hated so much. So anyway, point being, I checked with my cool cruisers. I went on the Princess Cruise Yelp page and Skip, who's a very cool cruiser, left a two-star review of the Princess Cruise lines. Uh-oh. Vacation travel on cruise ships has never been so popular.

Last year, over 30 million opted to voyage out to sea for leisure and relaxation, and cruise lines continue to build massive hotel and entertainment ships at record speed. Is this a brochure? What is going on? I hate it already. Um, kind of. I, like, just chugged a beer so i'm in trouble here great we were starting off strong it's a corona great you're trying to support the economy i see okay this month i followed the millions and traveled to cabo san lucas on princess cruises

no matter the circumstances work or play semicolon i've accepted that my observation and evaluation of service is just a part of my dna in my attempt to mute this characteristic i voyaged the ocean to break away from the monotony of the day-to-day and look forward to unplugging from my laptop and smartphone foolish mortal jesus that's a new one for the lingo reference guide without these electronic distractions only enhanced my sensors of observance and provided the inspiration to write this article it's not an article it's a fucking essay it's a yelp review no one's to accept this as an article on their publication. I'm sorry.

Oh, I already put it on our blog. No, not the Beach 2 Sandy Cool Cruisers blog. The famous Cool Cruiser blog. This was my third travel with the Princess Cruise Lines in two years. I've now traveled on three different ships. The Star Princess, Ruby Princess, and most recently, the Royal Princess. I've now traveled on three different ships, the Star Princess, Ruby Princess, and most recently, the Royal Princess. After this recent cruise, I doubt if I'll ever return as a customer of the Princess Cruise Line,

as the love boat dining and entertainment experience and overall service appears to be in decline. I expected royalty, but it was more like a royal tease. What is happening? No one cares i care i'm gonna be sassy today i literally like when we started is when i started my beer and i'm already done with it great and i haven't drank in a long time i think we've exhausted all our goodwill in the first five minutes of the episode and now suddenly you're uh well because you were talking the whole time so i was just there just chugging i'm like yep what else am I going to do? Why do you have an Amazon page of a Corona baseball? Christina, spoilers!

That's my next one! I thought you were shopping while I was... No! That's my next review! I thought you were shopping. Okay. Ugh, okay. This is a mess. Okay.

At least we did something good this episode, I guess. At least it's a bonus. No, true. It's a fucking bonus. You can't be mad at us. Yeah. You can't be mad at us. Don't say the F word so early in the game. In such a competitive industry, service must not be compromised,

especially depending on expendable spending. I happen to... Who says that? Skip. Dependable on expendable spending? Yeah. Okay, hold on. I'm almost done.

Sort of. I happen to travel. This is the best part. I happen to travel and participate on Princess Cruise's attempt to break the Guinness World Record of most marriage renewals conducted simultaneously at sea. The Cruise Line was really playing this up, promoting that the actress who portrayed Captain Steubing's daughter on the 70s television series The Love Boat was scheduled to be in attendance. However, at the event, the cruise director made the announcement, and fortunately, Jill

Whelan recently endured a tennis injury and would not join us. I wonder if from the stage, the 800 of us participants must appear as minions wearing medallions. What? What? so okay okay okay the daughter the woman who played someone's daughter in the love boat in the 70s had a tennis accident but like tennis elbow couldn't go to this tennis elbow maybe it's more serious conspiracy this is a conspiracy okay conspiracy nobody expressed disappointment but most commented likely her absence really reflected reluctance to possible exposure to the coronavirus or likely the money just wasn't right for her to risk waving and shaking hands

at sea so he thinks well it's not right not right for anyone. You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't shake her hand. Despite the record being broken... Congratulations, Skip. The event had a dark side to it. As a perk to break the record, an incentive of a $250

gift card was offered to participants. This promotion turned out to be a bait-and-switch marketing tactic by the Onboard Jewelry Store. The email communication did not mention that the incentive was offered to those purchasing items at a minimum price of $800. Ahoy, Scam at Sea! Oh, the abbreviation is ASS. Avoid Scam at Sea.

Ahoy. Ahoy, I mean. God. Come on. Mine made more sense. Correct, it did, yes. Despite an email and the announcement at the event, the majority of employees had no idea about the promotion, which required us to even submit copies of our wedding certificates.

And then Yelp cut him off so he could continue. That's it? It literally started, the next paragraph was like, additionally, comma, and then yelp cut him off so he could continue that's it it literally started the next paragraph was like additionally comma and then it just cut because originally when i read the coronavirus it said parentheses more on that later but then he never got to it i know i know god i couldn't imagine him writing it all out like a microsoft word probably and copy pasted i think it's a text and then it cut off what's that little text thing uh notepad notepad thank you yeah and then copy and pasted it and didn't notice that it didn't fill out the whole thing there was a picture of the ocean though

oh that's nice so that's good yeah um well skip congratulations on renewing your wait what was that one star two two okay gave it two at least really thought that one through that's the thing though and also that whole thing of the 250 gift certificate but you have to if they didn't make that clear that's pretty fucked up i love that everyone's on the boat going like yeah she probably just didn't want corona anyway you want some shrimp here try it i just ate a bite yeah i i'm not i do not blame the daughter of Captain Whatever in The Love Boat for not going. Could you imagine? Because if you were a child in the 70s...

But could you also imagine going on a cruise right now? That sounds like not a good idea. I think you can't. You shouldn't be able to. I think right now you can't. Well, they're all going to go under, probably, and that's... Oh, not literally, I hope. Oh, God, let's hope not.

Okay, so that's... Sorry, that's Skip. Thanks, Skip. That was a lot, I'm. Oh, God, let's hope not. Okay, so that's, sorry, that's Skip. Thanks, Skip. That was a lot, I'm sorry. No thanks, Skip. You go ahead. Okay, my next one, as was spoiled, is of a Corona blue baseball cap standard. It's just a baseball cap that has the Corona beer logo.

I really thought you were shopping. I was mad. Why would I buy a Corona beer logo. I really thought you were shopping. I was mad. Why would I buy a Corona beer logo hat? Because you were yelling about drinking beer. I don't know. I am drinking a Corona. That is a good point. So this is by Anonymous. It's titled

Corona Beer Supporter. Five stars. Great hat! I get a lot of comments. Too bad they named a virus, which is why I am still supporting Corona beer. End of review. And that was written by Alex Zinner two minutes ago after he finally drank. Great hat.

He finished his whole Corona beer and thought, I have something to say about my support of this company. Oh, yeah. Great hat. That's what I have to say. Honestly, we were at a music festival and people were like not getting free beer it's ridiculous not getting corona but it is beyond me that their sales have plummeted so much oh i have another demand of everyone i know i keep demanding go buy corona no no you don't have to do that but support your local chinese businesses a lot of them oh my god

yes have really struggling because people are racist so it's so fucked up how about our our little squad here doesn't participate in that kind of uh attitude no not at all that's so fucked up and the way that our the administration is talking about it and it is sick well and then he and then he i like you probably know who i mean and then dad skip oh just kidding and then trump was like oh well since we have such a strong And then he, I like, you probably know who I mean. And then. Dad? Skip. Oh. Just kidding. And then Trump was like, oh, well, since we have such a strong border, we're not getting as much coronavirus.

I was like that. I don't even want to go there. It's just idiotic anyway. So. Bring on the one star reviews for us mentioning Trump's name. Isn't it fun though? It is fun. I know.

We get a little surge. Hey, I have another demand. Why don't you write us a five-star review to counteract the one-star Trump supporters? Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry. I keep demanding everyone do stuff, and I'm sure we're going to get one-star reviews about that,

so I will continue. So if you follow all the demands... All of them. Then you have to write us a five-star review as well. That's another demand. Might as well throw it in there. Okay, I have an email from rachel uh this says hi chris i actually deleted it temporarily so you wouldn't find it smart i didn't even look in the email so it was a waste of time but smart

i actually originally put it in a folder called don't use christine is using it but then i was afraid you wouldn't notice that it was in a folder so i just deleted it anyway this is from rachel it says hi christine and alex i know you just did an episode on disney parks but with the recent closings due to coronavirus the karens of the world are going crazy attached is a post i found going around facebook where our mom describes her dramatic experience trying to reschedule her trip to walt disney world hope you enjoy rachel get i am fucking pumped ready this is exactly what i want this is bonkers this was written by wait i'm out of beer can i go get another beer yeah okay can you get me one yes

oh yeah xander's back with the corona oh yeah crack that bad boy open oh crisp and smooth thank you now i get my own corona she doesn't normally talk to me like that and so when you when like so yeah when you did that i was like what is what is something wrong like Why are you using your podcast voice? Then I realized you hit record again. I have a completely different voice when I when I'm not recording. Think like Southern Valley girl. It's like a mix.

Wait, what's a Southern Valley? Exactly. It's a mix. I'm from Texas. You're from Texas. But then Orange County spent a lot of time in the valley. So you picked up on some things. I just watched the OC for too many years.

Okay. That's even better. I get it. Yeah, the OC. That's Orange County. I'm now actually double fisting beers. Okay, hold on. You're going to need this, though.

You're going to need that beer because this Disney review is something else. Okay. This was written by one angry fucking mom. That's the username. Jesus. What the hell? On what? It was written by one angry fucking mom. That's the username. What the hell? On what? It was written in relationship advice. I think on Reddit.

Oh, is this over? I'm not sure. What is this? So it seems to be from Reddit, but it's written in relationship advice by one angry fucking mom. The subject of this post is my 36F. You know how cool cruisers have their lingo disney people also have their lingo this is a reddit thing too oh okay 36f so my which means that this person is 36 and uh female right husband 40m yeah 40 and male called me a psycho bitch for demanding the

cinderella castle suite from a Disney customer service rep. Wow. And now it's making a lot more sense that it's in relationship advice, so I'm going to continue with this review. I am writing this in the bathroom because I just got into a huge argument with my husband, and I don't know what to do. We and our three children had an upcoming trip planned for Disney World on Tuesday, a 10-day stay at the Grand Floridian and a wonderful itinerary that included all four parks and Blizzard Beach. Of course,

the parks have now closed and my children are beyond devastated. I called Disney's customer service line to speak with the representative about how they can make this right. He promised a refund and the ability to rebook for another time, but that obviously isn't good enough. I told him that he needed to do better than that, and he said he was just following the guidelines put forth by the company. I suggested as a means to rectify the situation that he provide us future accommodations in the secretive suite located in Cinderella's castle. Hey, you know that thing I'm not supposed to know about? Wink wink. Send me there.

You know that YouTube video that four million people have watched about that super secret place? I did just talk to Krista about that. There's that YouTube video where it's like

how to spend the most money possible at Disney. Yo, it's bananas if you guys haven't seen it. It's fucking bananas. The amount of money you can spend at Disney. And like there's a wedding one like how you can spend the most expensive wedding at disney and stuff there you know what would be so cool as a as a job would be to actually come

up with the crazy shit that people will pay for and i mean for people who have that kind of money and love it good for them oh yeah but like no shame on money no seriously but it is like you're right it's the most random it was like stuff you would never think of yeah even the stuff for weddings that like add-ons like uh you know mickey and minnie show up uh or mickey minnie help cut your cake or like the carriage from cinderella like just the random stuff that they have to come up with yeah it's amazing anyway i suggested he provide us future accommodations in the secretive Yeah. Maybe therapy, but that's just me. Wow. And your children, I'm sorry, but if you have the money to spend on this whole Disney thing and you get your refund back, like...

A full refund. What is wrong with that? Nothing. Just use money for your kids in another way or maybe give it to um our patreon hungry i mean that's what i meant sure yeah same thing it'll it'll get there they funnel each other don't worry about it it's a whole it's like of this whole pyramid thing that the money trickles down pyramid it's a triangle i would say maybe a triangle more like that more like a triangle.

What better way to... I mean, but these people are really suffering. I don't think we should laugh. True. Okay. These children are suffering. I'm so sorry. Deeply. What better way to do so than to stay in the castle of Cinderella herself?

He audibly scoffed at this and said that was way, way beyond his authorization. He said tens of thousands had had their vacations ruined and that it wasn't his or the company's fault and they were doing the best they could. This dismissal pissed me off. I told him that yes, it wasn't his fault, but it was his responsibility to make it right. Surely instead of closing down a multi-billion dollar media conglomerate that's a... Hegemon... He... F.

Hedge... Hegemon. What what are you saying is that a word i even wrote down the pronunciation hegemon like digimon yep it's like a weird remake oh like hegemony hegemony i don't know i actually don't know this word okay it basically means like a major player like traditionally no like digimon like digimon oh now it makes all make sense okay sorry no it's like traditionally like politically or wartime militarily speaking um a hegemon like a a world leader of sorts but like a world like a big player i know what you're saying okay she also spelled it wrong which doesn't help so

just saying just saying english isn't my first language okay sorry i was on page two not page one of her review. God. Surely, instead of closing down a multi-billion dollar media conglomerate that's a hegemon in the global theme park industry, would have the capacity to simply screen for sick visitors at the park entrances. Instead, they've ruined my child's entire year. And what about the FastPass reservations that we meticulously booked during our first day of eligibility? What about the dinner plans with the princesses how do they think it feels for me as a parent to tell my children they can't visit the happiest place on earth because they might get sick and die oh okay i'm sorry there's a subreddit called self-aware wolves have you heard of that no it's where people say things like it's

mostly political but they say things and it's like wait you're kind of making the opposite point like hello like don't you understand that what you're saying like just listen to what you're saying it's written right there and yeah yeah and it's this person is saying or my kids might get sick and die and it's like yes that is why this is closed down that is not something that is not why you get to go to Cinderella's castle. That makes no sense. I see. Yes, I would agree with that. It's like weirdly self-aware, but at the same time, you're like, but you're not making that like that mental self-aware wolves.

Oh, that's excellent. Yeah. Anyway, so it's a it's a good subreddit. Very political. So if you're one of those one star reviewers, don't like don't go there because it's very. Oh, our one star reviews. It's left good subreddit. Very political. So if you're one of those one-star reviewers, don't go there because it's very... Oh, our one-star reviews. Yeah. It's left-leaning.

Okay. Because they might get... It also is lowercase because they might get sick and then capital die. Of course. But wait, think about the employees who... Like those princesses. Oh, yeah. I mean, I did see somebody post now that they're not under like Disney's employee rules.

I can paint my nails and they were like blue. I was like, that's so funny that like she's like so excited that she can do her instead of acting like this character, like in her entire life and do everything based on the character. She's like, look what I can do. It was amazing. That's what i call thriving yes um but anyway yeah you're right exactly it's like i mean many people out of jobs struggling not sure about paychecks dependent on paycheck right yeah and here you are getting a full refund not losing any money with this whole thing that's like the sad thing was going through all these corona reviews and seeing like, this airline won't refund my $200 ticket or this hotel, which is like, shitty.

I booked a flight to Minneapolis to see your show and visit a friend, Steven. Oops. Yeah, and I canceled it. I got $23 in credit back. Yep. That's it. Again, we keep getting away from like her suffering okay the struggle yeah it's like her and her children are in bad shape after all this the smug rep just repeated he could only offer refunds for the time being and an opportunity to rebook for a future date i again stated that that was insufficient and that I at least expected a lifetime subscription to Disney Plus.

That's hilarious. I forgot about that. But that just shows that they're just trying to get something out of it. They're like, okay, if not that, fine. How about lifetime? And they're like just trying to get them to probably say, we can give you and just give like the minimum. They just want something. And not that they deserve something.

They definitely don't. No. But it's one of those people that they shoot so high. Yeah. Hoping that they'll get talked down. But instead, this guy's like, I'm following policy. Like, there's nothing he can do. And I know.

Yeah. Like, he's going to give her Disney Plus for a lifetime. What the hell? He's probably getting paid jack shit too. He doesn't get Disney Plus. No. For free. Right. lifetime what the hell he's probably getting paid jack shit he doesn't get disney plus no for free right i again stated that that was insufficient and that i at least expected a lifetime subscription

to disney plus and he straight up laughed and said that's not my department i hung up the phone in rage and my husband immediately was like what the fuck was that he told me i was a psycho bitch for the way i spoke to the customer service rep, that I was extremely unreasonable and rude, and that he was genuinely disturbed by my behavior. He said he doesn't know what happened to the woman he married, and he's not sure he can ever look at me the same way again. I am deeply, deeply hurt that he would say such things about me when I was just trying to do what's best for our children. Our relationship has been rocky for the past couple years, and Disney was supposed to be an opportunity to rekindle that fire okay now we're getting to like what's really i think the issue here uh disney plus might have helped too but seems like that didn't work either now it feels like that might not be possible he is usually quite soft-spoken so i'm shocked and

devastated by the abusive language he directed at me, and I don't know if I can forgive him. Now my children are crying, and my husband is pissed off, and my whole world is breaking down, and I don't know what to do. How can I make things right? Is that even possible? End of post. Oh, no. It went sad really quickly at the end there. Yes, because I do not like how he spoke to her. Oh, absolutely not.

If that's what he said, yeah, that's not okay. Absolutely not. like how he spoke to her just oh absolutely not if that's what he said yeah that's not okay absolutely not um and if all of this is like as it happened it sounds like just everyone's this is kind of shitty this is a bad situation yeah no this is terrible for everyone including brian the customer service and i feel worse for the children then of all people i mean at least brian got a good laugh in there apparently i named him brian i don't know if we uh at least he got a good laugh in there, apparently. I named him Brian. I don't know. At least he got a good laugh in. He probably posted this story on a different subreddit that we could probably find. Probably Tales from Retail or something.

One of those that are like, or Fuck You Karen or something. Or I'm a Werewolf or whatever that one was. Yeah. Holy cow. Anyway. That's something. That was long again. Sorry.

Because you were like i only have a few reviews and then they're like essays i'm sorry i'm sorry no it's good okay your turn my next one is of and it's an amazon one so it's long purell advanced hand sanitizer soothing gel fresh scent with aloe and vitamin e one fluid ounce jelly wrap carrier pack of 36 jelly wrap color will vary this is so smart to look at purell i didn't even think of that currently unavailable what but i ordered six packs of 36 is unavailable. You guys, I've been telling people this. I accidentally ordered.

Like, remember you came home one day. You were like, what is in that giant box? And I was like, oh, toilet paper. We were out. And you were like, oh, that was smart. And I was like, what are you talking about? And you were like, oh, everyone's about to like go and buy it. I did not say that.

That was not me. You literally said that. Really? You said that was smart and i went why and you were like because people are probably yep because people are probably gonna buy it out and i went i don't know what you're talking about and then two days later it was like pandemonium i felt like i had to hide it under my bed oh wow but it was an accident if i hadn't bought that like two days before, I'd be S-O-L. I'd be L-M-P-A-O. God. Okay, that's gross. Stupid.

Yeah, I bought like a big thing of like this bamboo toilet paper. It's like, it sounds weird, but it's like supposed to be environmentally friendly kind of stuff. He bought this plant and he's been watering it every day and now he uses it. And I have a little pocket knife and I take the little shavings off and use that. No. Okay. I bought this like weird. There's a sale in December for this giant box of toilet paper.

So I didn't buy any with this whole pandemonium because I was like, oh, I still have like half of that weird box of toilet paper I bought. Anyway. I shouldn't laugh because in like two weeks if i'm like yeah i even gave my friend liz that for christmas because i'm like i don't know it's useful i'm sorry you gave her a box of toilet you were like six or three months early on like the most brilliant gift i know she hasn't she okay she thanked me but she hasn't thanked me she needs to thank you for saving her from this pandemonium.

She could probably make thousands off that. Okay, anyway, let me read this Purell review. Okay. This is by Kimberly, and it's titled Price Gouging, but it's spelled wrong. Of course. It's spelled G-A-U-G-I-N-G. Oh, gauging. Sure.

Three stars. Because of the coronavirus, so much price gouging going on. This should be illegal. It is illegal, by the way. What a shame. Way overpriced. I paid $83 for this, and now it's on Amazon for half that. But then, there are always the ding-dongs like myself that buy it anyway.

Although the product is nice to have to hang on your purse, lunchbox, backpack, etc. I wouldn't pay this much ever again. End of review. Oh my goodness. $83. Oh my goodness. For $36. There was that guy, I don't know which state he was in.

It was horrible. That guy. What a dick. Yes. Well, that's the thing is he got what was coming to him absolutely he tried on amazon's buying it because amazon and ebay blocked my sales because it was not allowed garage full of the one guy did toilet paper one guy did pure l i'm not sure if they were the same guy yeah he did i know one guy who did everything like he did he went to all these different stores and bought out everything.

And he's like, it's entrepreneurial. I'm like, no, it's not. It's being an asshole. Literally being an asshole. I was thinking about it. I was like, Amazon has had some PR issues lately, so they were going to shut that down no matter what. Oh, yeah. But, you know, if you want something to hang on your backpack and your purse, don't do it, though, because someone will steal that.

Someone will. I just realized that's a bad, bad idea. I don't own any Purell. But I wash my hands constantly, so. Okay. I'm going to be honest. Like, this is going to sound. I feel like now these are just, like, stories of COVID-19 isolation.

But I do have another one, which is that when we were at a recent live show r.i.p to our tour and that's why we're drinking uh we were at a recent live show and on our rider is like some purell because we do like uh meet and greets yeah and so we like to have purell when what they do i've seen this what they do is they have the people come up um force them to use pure out then they shake hands don't touch no hugs no nothing just shake hands say hello there a picture three feet separation at least there's a someone with a air air air hugs yeah it's air hugs yes and then uh hover hands and everything and then afterwards they furiously rub their hands with pure out

and then bring up the next people. You also put a little bit on a face and a neck. Just in case the rogue kisser comes in. Okay, first of all. What? All of that was fake except that last thing that you said. Except the rogue kisser? There is a rogue kisser.

I don't want to get into it because it's always Em who gets the rogue kisses. Oh, God. That it is no good, especially during corona times. Not that anyone would do that to me, but please don't do that to me. That would scare the shit out of me. I just kind of awkwardly stand there because no one ever does do it to me,

but I just watch it happen, and it is equally horrifying to watch it. Like, I'm just making out with random people in front of you. And then Purell-ing. Drinking some Purell. I'm going to get sued for slander. Anyway, the point... We should drink more when we record. and then purelling drinking some purell i'm gonna get sued for slander anyway

the point we should drink more when we record if em had a lawyer they would sue me for slander for sure uh no no so we do a purell we rarely even use it we never really remember but it's on our rider so usually when we show up usually there's like some Purell in the green room. And we went to a show recently and they had bought like this like gallon. Yes. Those like giant things. Those massive. Like they'd gone to like Costco and bought like the biggest size. What did they think you were going to do with it?

I don't. Well, whatever you just said. Probably all of that. Yeah. And so we were laughing about it. And then they were like, well, we don't, like they're not going to keep, they don't, they're going to throw it away or I don't know what they're gonna do with it and so I'm always like weird about that I'm like I'll just take it I'll take it home and everyone was like what the

fuck is wrong with you and I brought it home and I was like please people keep calling me a hoarder because I bring everything home with me like I don't throw it away like you know I don't put everything in the trash immediately or whatever. And like, if there's something that's usable, I bring it home with me. If there's, sometimes we get Excedrin or Tylenol and I bring it home. And I pulled out this Purell and Blazers looked at me and went, I mean, they're not wrong. Like, that's nuts that you put that in your suitcase. I will not let him use that gallon of Purell. Yes, you get him.

It is on my nightstand. And I was like, Em, Eva, and Blaze, screw you. Yeah. My gallon of Purell is now worth $40,000. And that venue is pissed that I took it out of their green room. Oh, I bet they are. Anyway, Em and I should do a show and see if we put Purell on the list and see what happens. See what happens.

No, you should keep your shows, but don't tell fans that it's canceled, but don't tell the venues. You go to do the show. Oh, yes. Grab the Purell and run because there's no actual show. So we're like, find a Purell. And you're like, we're making money. You're like our middleman.

We're making 40 bucks each show. 40 bucks. That'll pay for the flight to Denver. Good for us. Anyway. Okay, sorry. That's my other story is that if you need purell i have i mean i'm not kidding it's like that giant one yeah it's in my room if you need i'll stop in tonight when you guys are sleeping just get a couple pumps and walk out okay okay yeah is it my turn oh i think you just read one off. I read my Purell one. Sorry. I got distracted. Believe it or not.

This is a bonus episode. We can do whatever the fuck we want. I feel less, like, you know, restricted to the rules. It's freeing, in a way. Right. Just unlike all our others, which are behind a paywall. Okay. Go to luminary.com.

Oh. No comment. Okay. This is a review of hawk and dove uh in washington dc like haagen-dazs but haagen-dazs do you know haagen-dazs is from like new jersey or some shit i thought it was like they purposely purposefully used a name that's are you serious yes wow i don't think it's new jersey i don't know where it's from but it worked on me yeah and it doesn't even make sense like the umlauts and stuff it just doesn't make sense Are you serious? Yes. Wow, it worked. I don't think it's New Jersey. I don't know where it's from. It worked on me. Yeah. And it doesn't even make sense, like the umlauts and stuff. It just doesn't make sense.

What a shock. Yeah. Well, this is called Hawk and Dove, which I believe is a restaurant in D.C. This is a one-star review by Hunter. We came out tonight because we heard local businesses are suffering thanks to the coronavirus scare, and we support local whenever we can. But this plague cannot be blamed for how bad things were. Oh no, people can still be assholes during this. That's exactly kind of the thing I was trying to say in the beginning, like, we need to check in with our Yelpers who are still insisting on being assholes.

I get why you said that now. Right. But this plague cannot be blamed for how bad things were tonight. With one bartender working a nearly full bar alone, it took us over 20 minutes just for our order to be taken. Watching her desperately wave to the two employees sitting down chatting at a table to come help

was actually the only reason we left her a tip at all. She was trying and getting no help from her lazy co-workers. Once they noticed, one came to help her and the other went and started chatting with the cooks. The drinks, once we got them, were fine. The food, however, was not. I'm not sure the level of incompetence it takes to fuck up a sandwich, but they managed to impress i ordered a reuben spelled wrong that's four ingredients bread corned beef sauerkraut and thousand island well there was no sauerkraut and the meat was old like dry and chewy i wanted to send it back but my family who was with me said no don't they will just throw it Don't waste food. Box it up so we can give it to a homeless person.

So that's what we did. He's done so mad about it. Oh, I had to give my food to a homeless person. Also to be like so righteous when you're like, it was disgusting. I didn't want to eat it here. It's for a homeless person. What the fuck? It's, I don't know.

That doesn't make you sound much better. You're not, you're not helping your case here, buddy. No. So that's what we did. The homeless gentleman amusingly didn't believe me when I told him it was a Reuben sandwich. I don't think that happened. I don't think. I really don't think that happened.

Do you think this happened? He said, not a Reuben without kraut. Jesus Christ. Sorry. It's like a fucking, like it's from a sitcom. He excut. Jesus Christ. Sorry. It's like a fucking, like it's from a sitcom. He exclaimed. He exclaimed. I'm sorry.

He didn't say he exclaimed. Hey, this isn't a Reuben without Kraut. Wink. As if. You said it's like a sitcom? You should add this to your Yelp review later. Wink. Make sure you write this in your notes, on your notepad.

Okay. He exclaimed, not a reuben without kraut i agree by the way the following is a bad choice of idiom but beggars can't be choosers jesus christ i am not a beggar however i just did not get what i paid good money for we were going to order another round of drinks before we left but since it took another 15 minutes just for someone to finally come serve us, we just got our check. It was nice of the bus boy to pour us some water as we were leaving, but it was just kind of symbolic of our whole experience. This place is a shit show, and you can't blame the virus scare for understaffing, as there were some staff there. Just useless. I will not be back and I will mock

anyone who asks me about going there. This guy's just an asshole. That's it. How dare you like something that I don't like? What do you mean? You like you'll mock someone? Like, oh, this whole thing is in bad taste. This whole review. Oh, is it? Yes. Last line. These people should be ashamed of themselves. End of review. Jesus. That's called a werewolf. Put a mirror up to yourself.

I regret telling you about that. Oh, boy. Okay, your turn. Okay, my next one is of It's Boba Time in Northridge, California. I love Boba Time. Yeah, well, Nick had a troublesome experience. One star. The lady working the drinks was wearing a medical mask.

In this era, with coronavirus, it didn't look good. It made everyone uncomfortable. I don't know why she is wearing it. If she is sick, she shouldn't be preparing food. End of review. Oh, my. Well, if she's sick, she shouldn't be. But also, maybe she's trying not to get sick from you.

Hey, yeah, a lot of people are wearing those things who are not full of flu. This was a month ago. So maybe since then, Nick has been like, oh, maybe I should go out and wear one of those, even though I'm not sick. By the way, don't wear those because medical professionals need them and now they're using expired ones because everyone bought them out, so stop it. Truth, yes. Anyway, but yeah, that's just silly.

And also, a lot of people do wear those day to day, like whether or not there is a coronavirus. That is so true. I mean, especially living in our neighborhood, it's nothing new to see people wearing masks. It's very normal. It's, like, very common.

Some of them have, like, cat faces on them. This is Northridge. It's not even that far from here. No. Like, it just makes sense that, whatever. I mean. But, like, not a good look. It's, like.

We also live in, like, one of the smoggiest cities in the country. Yeah. So. Yeah. Not that I'm saying that's why she was wearing this mask. Yeah. And also, this person might have been forced to come into work by a manager. I'm like making a stretch.

There's a lot of things. It could be so many things possible. And she was like, let me do, maybe do what I can to protect people just in case I am sick or something. How dare she wear a hairnet? It made me so uncomfortable. Does she have lice? I don't know. I feel like it's a similar idea.

Maybe you guys are like, that's not the same. But in my head it is. I don't know exactly similar idea yeah maybe you're you guys are like that's not the same but in my head it is i don't know in my head it is too because you said it and i'm not thinking much so great well my next review is of hunko mania male strip club so you can oh my god i took a drink right when you said that that was close that almost went all over i actually waited for you i almost spit coronavirus at you. I actually waited. Oh, boy. Okay, Hunkomania Male Strip Club. One star by Sarah.

Coronab, beware. Went to this show two weeks ago before the coronavirus outbreak, and I have been sick ever since. Pretty sure I got cronona from... Okay. I think there's something else wrong here. Can't even spell it.

What's going on over there? First I got Coronab, and now we have Cronona. Pretty sure I got Cronona from having sweaty men all over me at the show. They should shut this thing down for public health issues for at least six months until the virus is contained. End of review. How many stars? One. What?

She got Corona from it. Okay. You reap what you sow. Or Corona. Nobody's clear. If while this whole thing's happening, you go to a male strip club and allow, okay, I don't know how to like put this in a normal way

because this is not a normal situation. But like, I feel like don't blame the business for you going there during this and they're probably they probably are closed by now yeah oh they probably legally have to yes that's the point there's one strip club though because then i immediately started looking up strip clubs coronavirus and there's one that has a billboard up in very poor taste that says coronavirus free lap dances and there were two reviews one thought it said coronavirus free lap dances and one thought it said coronavirus free lap dance it is not clear to me because there's just a hyphen after corona oh sorry after virus so it could be coronavirus free lap dances or coronavirus free lap dance do you think that

they managed to get their hand so first of all the whole testing kit shit is insane oh yeah oh that was actually the review it was like oh so are you testing yeah literally testing every single dancer every dancer i mean maybe but i would be surprised because the way that this country is handling blaze at the emergency room can't do it so so I doubt that this strip club in Arizona can do it. But the entirety of the Utah Jazz could get... They used a big chunk of the ones at Oklahoma, the tests that Oklahoma had to test their players, who could afford to... Okay, sorry. Anyway.

Too many beers. Too many Coronas. Too many many coronas what can i say my next review is of la fitness in levittown new york oh great a gym this is by ray one star you don't have to go to china to catch the coronavirus la fitness is probably the dirtiest fitness chain in the nation. From the filthy cardio equipment to the putrid bathroom floors, toilets, showers, steam rooms, etc. A full refund of membership dues should be in order for all members. How does ownership let this go on? Nuff said. End of review.

And then provided three pictures of... urinals oh my god literally just three different urinals that are i don't want to see that like okay like okay i'm gonna be honest they look like urinals yes a little bit it's not even that bad like it's not like they're overflowing disgusting completely filthy they're just urinals coronavirus is running rampant just stop putting your hands in the urinal that's what i was literally about to say something like that what are you doing what are you doing with these urinals that it's a problem that they're like a little bit dirty in there if you think someone in the steam room has coronavirus you're using urinals wrong don't absorb their steam yeah just don't absorb their steam yeah

just don't go i think they're probably closed by now because i just assuming everything's closing he just wants his money back um yeah he wants plus membership dues a lifelong subscription at disney plus but like for me i mean i think like i can afford this climbing gym that i go to and i fucking bought so i hadn't gotten a couple of years. It was like, OK, I'm going to go. Beginning of March, I think, I bought a membership. Yeah. It's closed now. And I'm like, well, you know what? It's a local chain.

Whatever. We'll see. If they give me something back, that'd be great. But I'm not going to go write one star reviews because this is not their fault. People are struggling. This is not their fault. And their employees are the people who are the most victims. Not that they're not taking care of them.

I don't know how that, like behind the scenes, but at all of these gyms and stuff, the employees are the ones being hurt at any of these places. Yeah. Not you. Not you, the customer, who's like, I cannot use this luxury that I have. I'm eating urinal cakes or whatever you're fucking doing. I can't go to my favorite urinal because it's so dirty and has coronavirus. Ugh, God. Okay. I don't like that fucking doing. I can't go to my favorite urinal because it's so dirty and has coronavirus. Ugh, God.

Okay. I don't like that one bit. I did that too where I bought Black Friday, I think, like class passes to this boxing gym in LA and it closed yesterday. And so I'm like, oh, perfect. An excuse for me not to ever use those classes so i'm like wow sucks oh darn what a bummer it only took me three months to really commit to not going okay so all i have left is one redemption i'm done so you are oh good timing okay i have one

redemption of bristol farms oh i that's my old company is bristol farms your old company is bristol farm used like would get deliveries from bristol farms like for groceries yeah oh okay like we just like certain fruits and stuff every week and some would be given to the birds and stuff never mind he worked at pigeon forge okay this is a five-star review by richard the coronavirus has created alarm for many shoppers, including myself, and I found myself at Bristol Farms today alongside an incredibly large amount of people. Throughout what felt like a very stressful and chaotic day at the grocery store, the employees showed incredible kindness and stellar customer service.

One employee even took the time to walk me across the store to show me an item I was having a hard time finding. With every aisle crowded with people, that kind gesture really meant a lot and shows how much they care about their customers. I had Priscilla at my checkout line and she was extremely sweet and kind to me even with 15 other customers with full shopping carts behind me. So I just wanted to write this review so that people know the incredible people that work at this location as well as the amazing standard the store and the workers hold themselves to most importantly during such scary times as we are experiencing with the coronavirus thank you bristol farms for your

kindness and service you are the best end of review that is sweet we need more we needed that this is one of the times when my redemption actually is a redemption. Yeah. Can I actually, speaking of which, and I was meaning to do this, can I read an email from a listener that is kind of on a similar vein? Please. So Ian wrote into us and said, dear bad daddy of podcasting. Why would you say that? And queen of the Komodo, Christine. Okay, I'll take mine.

So Ian says, I just worked my last day in what is hopefully my last job as a barista. As much as I love painting the mouths of my city with espresso art, I've grown tired of placing down an elaborate mocha only to hear, is that oat milk? And having to remake it. Although I will not be able to escape the confines of customer service yet, I will continue to look to your show for comedic relief. One of my regulars actually recommended this podcast to me on a day when I was looking visibly pissed off. But I digress. Here is why I'm writing you today. Sorry, a customer recommended?

Oh my goodness. How sweet is that? So hi, customer. Hi, Ian. They were like, is this oat milk? Yeah. By the way. Yeah.

Well, there are... Look, I could be worse. I could write a one-star review that could end up on Beach Juice, any water to wham. While you're writing, while you're pouring my oat milk latte, Yeah, well, there are, look, I could be worse. I could write a one-star review that could end up on Beach Juice, Annie Water, 2AM. While you're writing, while you're pouring my oat milk latte, my $6 latte down the drain. Okay. I love oat milk latte, so.

It was probably, I literally have been picturing you this entire time. Okay. Before your podcast, I never graced the internet with my effervescent opinions, bubbling with creativity and niceness. However, after listening to this podcast, I realized there was a shortage of positive What? writing positive reviews so much so that I became a local guide and Google sent me a pair of socks for my efforts. What? Now whenever I look at the review socks on my feet I think of them as my beach to sandy socks. What? TMTM. Google we're coming for you. And thank you for spreading positivity and for standing up for people who work in customer service because guess what customers

do best? Suck. Thank you for not sucking ian and then um unfortunately for ian i'm the one who read this email because it says p.s don't tell alex but i found and that's why we drink through this podcast and i binged all of it wow okay yeah uh thanks for writing in um yeah so that's kind of what we want people go write your five-star review especially at a time like this send me a latte like these businesses aren't like some businesses are very much in trouble very much struggling a lot of uh whether it's art uh sorry uh latte art no not latte art performing arts companies are going completely under and people are losing their jobs because obviously shows can't go on ucb theater here in la a lot of people lost their jobs i didn't even think about yeah yeah it's it's tough for so many people out there so even if it's writing five-star reviews like that just

spread that positivity and do your best and um like you said before okay first of all yeah be like ian and also like support any any anything you can in any way you can whether it's with your time or your um skills or with your money or just be kind to yourself and that's important also very important also your plants they've missed you oh my god i might all die before this all happens so i don't have any to take care of and i can't go get anymore revive them maybe i'll dig something up in the backyard. It's because they take some grass out of the backyard. Gio dug some up for you. Oh, thanks, G.

Okay. Thanks for the listening to our surprise social distancing episode. If you've made it this far, wow, thanks. Also, if you have any reviews that you find that are like wild in this time period that are only relevant now or whatever, send them our way. and you don't use between you and us as the subject maybe just use like coronavirus or something or or social distancing yeah just something similar and maybe we'll do another one of these depending depending on how you guys react depending on how many one-star reviews we get beers drizzly can deliver by then truth okay bye everyone thanks for listening thank you and

stay safe stay safe and social distance yourself