Beantown Podcast - The Roast of Quinn David Furness (Beantown Unplugged)

Episode Date: August 3, 2018

August 3rd, 2018 - Quinn and company come to you LIVE from the Pacific Northwest for the first ever roast of Quinn David Furness--Beantown Unplugged: Quinn David Furness presents the Roast of Quinn David Furness. If you're looking for laughs, you've stumbled upon the right podcast!

Welcome one, welcome all. This is a very exciting day for us. It is a bean town unplugged special. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the roast of Quinn David Furnace. My name is Quinn David Furnace, I am the host, creator, best boy, and roastee of my podcast, the bean town podcast, the people's podcast,

one of Baltimore's top 500 podcasts. Listen to discretion is advised. There's a lot of word laughing. This is a good. Listen to your discretion is advised. There's a lot. We're laughing. This is a good start. Listen to your discretion is advised when you listen to this roast number one that we will occasionally use some language

throughout number two, the roast and the podcast as a whole are objectively terrible. So I don't say it in warn you. Before we get going here, I do want to quickly mention in case you missed some of our recent episodes last week came to you live from Alaska to share some of our favorite Alaskan facts. So you're going to want to read about those. Before that, we were in New Jersey. We had some good Elton John deep cuts. So if you are feeling exploratory or if you have just listen to every other podcast that is ever existed, You might want to check that one out. August will be a pretty low key month for the podcast. We just found out yesterday we're going to have Ryan Ligan and Kristen English co-host of the Card Kind

of Us podcast. On next weekend, that will be a lot of fun. They're coming to Beentown to do a podcast. We're looking to get our uncle Andy, Jack Link's fame on, so that could be fun as well. He does not know the world of hurt that he's going to be walking into regarding the Jack Link stuff. We're going to be talking about that in a little bit here. Starting September, Bean Towns going to be hitting the road again. Our two or dates are yet to be finalized. It's looking like

we're going to be potentially having fall shows from Chicago, Des Moines, Nashville, Louisville, and Salt Lake City. Maybe we can get Jimmer for a debt on. He might be a little bit too irrelevant for the Bean Town podcast though. Be on the lookout for those. We'll have show dates as you all get closer. Reminder, Reminder, we're always coming to you live for these shows. They are live when I record them, not when you listen to them. Last reminder here, if you are interested in any Bean Town podcast, into them. Last reminder here, if you are interested in any bean town podcast, Propaganda or paraphernalia or regalia, we do hats, t-shirts, mortar boards, a fashionable glassware for all of you. Chemistry teachers and

stoners out there and we have free shipping which is exciting. Thank you all for joining us today, amazing event. When I first found out that we were going to be doing a roast in my honor, I went out to the store, talked about this before, you get one of those perforage farm frozen sheet cakes to be eaten by myself because let's be real, this was a great idea by myself. A lot of you listeners might be out there rolling your eyes right and about now, but I think you all might be a little bit surprised by the quality of this row special. If there's one thing that you should have learned from the bean town podcast up to this point, it is to expect the unexpected. Did anyone anticipate me making it to 30 episodes? I don't think so. Did anybody think I was actually going

to release my taxes live on the air? We did that. Did anyone think the crack, Princess Story would ever actually come to life right here on this podcast? With the photo evidence accompanying it, did anyone think I'd be able to successfully master jokes where you tell three things that are funny? No, no one thought we could do that either. We have had a lot of laughs in the first seven months of this podcast and there will be no stopping anytime soon. Last thing here before we get going, I want to quickly mention one of our potential sponsors. Truthfully, I was hoping to hear back from my white whale, Jack Lynx, before producing this special event.

It doesn't, Jack Lynx presents the Beentown podcast, the Rosoquin Dave's furnace sound really good. It's got more popEPZIP and action, but alas, Jack Link's current ad campaign is titled Messin with Sasquatch, but sometimes it feels like they're just messing with my heart. I'm going to put that out there. Jack Link's if you are out there or if anyone's out there, you can always find me at my Twitter handle where at Beentowncast or you can email email us at beantownpodcastiyahu.com. That's beantownbetantewonpodcastiyahu.com. I feel like we'll

Smith out here and I am legend, just raduing for help. You know, sis, she gets it. Let's get going here. My brother, Jack everyone will be our host and roast master today. Jack is making his unheralded third appearance on the bean master today. Jack is making his unharrowed third appearance on the bean town podcast. It is actually a nice coincidence because this is also the third bean town on Plugged Special, and it's the third time doing my podcast while sober.

So there's a lot of coincidence is there. Jack will be heading out to the East Coast to start law school just a few short weeks here. I talked to him recently, He's interested in doing nonprofit law after he finishes up. So we are all eagerly looking forward to his future career as a barista. And not working at a bougie place, either like Starbucks

or Duncan, we're talking one of those little places in the parking lot of Kmart, something like espresso and porium, I think. Bad benefits, waking up 5 a.m. rush does not get easier. Jack's been the last few years in the Peace Corps stationed in Rwanda, where he learned a lot of valuable skills that translate well to modern American life, like learning to speak, can you Rwanda?

Language spoken by fewer than 10 million people in East Africa, or bartering for the price of tomatoes, or learning how to butcher your own turkeys. It's a really good thing, those are all skills you need to survive in modern Manhattan. Anyways, without further ado, your roast master for the evening, Jack Fernis. Alright, Quinn, thanks for having me. Before we get started, could we crack a window? Because usually when Quinn and a roast end up in the same room together, it gets pretty stinky.

Give it about 30 minutes, you'll see what I mean. Before we get going, I just want to say that I'm happy for everyone taking part in this. Usually roast is kind of tough. You have to kind of dig down deep to come up with material to talk about. But roasting Quinn is kind of different. Roasting Quinn is like one of those papers you get in college that's just really broad. You don't know how to tackle it, what angle to go from. So I thought I would give everyone

some more narrow categories that you could choose from if you need some material. For example, getting kicked out of the church nursery. Do that. Using home videos is a platform to practice your stripping career. I don't know, my next note just says fantasy football championships. Do you know anything about that? How about getting into Northwestern? You know anything about that?

And last but not least, hosting a failed podcast. Got him. All right, apologies for the technical issues. We're going to have a lot of great roasters tonight. Starting off is Quinn's little sister Abby. Abby is a great person, she's loving, she's kind. But Abby does have one bad habit and that's forgetting what time zone she lives in. In the past year alone, Abby has been known to wake up her non-West Coast time zone brothers by giving them a bunch

of FaceTime calls at about 2 a.m. Half the time they sleep right through it, but other times they wake up, assuming the worst, the dog died, all of garden ended and never ending possible. Friends got taken off Netflix, big stuff. But what is it actually? Just wanting to say hi at 2 a.m.

Yep. Abby is also well known for her fantasy football exploits. Many people will remember her from that one time she won a game. That was a pretty big deal on the Great White North fantasy football league. We were talking about it for about five minutes. Abby has now achieved veteran status in the league, which basically just means that she'll be suffering from PTSD from all of her embarrassing losses, and the league will not be supporting her in any way. Speaking of veterans, we have Grandpa Dave in the house.

Grandpa Dave has always had a strong affinity for working with and caring for animals, horses, dogs, and the women. Quinn is veterans, not veterinarians. I should have checked my material first. Let's try this again. We're very happy to have Grandpa Dave on the podcast today. Grandpa is, of course, best known for being married to podcasting legend, Grandma Sal. People have said that Grandpa Dave is going to be just as strong on the bean-town podcast as Grandma Sal was, just without the feminine features and all the stamping knowledge.

We believe in you, Grandpa, if you can put up with anti-stacy snoring on all those road trips growing up, this roast will be a breeze. A little tidbit for you, History Buffs. The first ever roast was actually put on by the New York Friars Club in 1949, which coincidentally was the same year that the Friars Club through Grandpa Dave has retirement party. Grandpa, we would give you Quinn's recommendation of favorite deep cuts from 1970s Alton John albums, but we know you can't stand those young kids in their hip music, so we won't even bother. Grandpa's always been more into contemporary music anyway. So for him, that's like Beethoven, Bach,

from... We're looking forward to your jokes, Grandpa. And speaking of going bald, we have Steve Fernis on the five points. Dad, we're glad you made it back from the Rogaine clinic and time for this roast. Ever since Erlacher? Erlacher, Erlacher, Erlacher, must be some kind of hip hop star. Ever since he got his full head of hair back, Dad's been chomping at the bit to get back to his glory days. The last time you had that thick lush hair was about seventh grade. Dad likes to swim outside a lot, and we think one of these days, if you just paint an H on top of his head,

we could get a helicopter to land there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. The one good thing about Dad's baldness

is that I'll never have to worry about getting a hairline fracture ever again. But enough about Dad's looks. Dad also works a kick-ass job. He's been with Kmart and Sears for the past 35 years or so. And for those of you wondering, yes, those are still real companies. Thankfully he's preparing an exit strategy. In the past year alone he's interviewed with RadioShack, Circuit City, and Blockbuster. circuit city and blockbuster. So the potential job market is looking pretty good.

Watch out Sears, Kodak is looking to make dad an offer he can't refuse. Alright, let's see here. Our fourth person on the list. In baseball, that's the cleanup guy. The person with that amazing home run ability, you want batting in the lineup in order to really put on a show. Well, we couldn't find anyone who fit that description, so we had to sell for my mom, Jane Dennison Ferness.

Now there's been a lot of talk about my mom and the podcast. Back in the winter, there was a lot of drama about her subscribing and unsubscribing, somehow that didn't make local news. and unsubscribing, somehow that didn't make local news. And apparently this is all because Quinn is open and honest about his personal life on the podcast. So in the past, mom has threatened to unsubscribe from the podcast over the following situations. Quinn's swiping rights.

Quinn making eye contact on the first day. And Quinn reading from the Old Testament book of Esther because it's about a woman. So Mom desperately wants grandkids but she doesn't want her son to date. Mixed signals, Mom. Mom runs a Twitter account. You can find her at at JDF-0101. This is real, I'm told. She is following 40 people and is being followed

by six people, five of whom are Russian hackers. All right, mom's going to really clean up at midterm time, I think. We should mention that the sixth follower is actually my own sister Abby, but apparently she's just trying to collect the check to pay for her medical bills for the time mom threw up the stairs. I thought we forgot about that.

Happy to have you on the roast mom. Kelly Vanderpell is the, yep. Give it up for Kelly. A significant other of my brother Walt, who will get to him one second here. So as Kelly only prepared one joke for the roast, I promise you'd only tell one joke about Kelly. Kelly sadly has been encountering some unemployment issues recently. There were a lot of jokes we could tell relating to this but frankly none of them work. Happy to have you here at Gallaudet. All right so I saved my brother Walt for last. Yeah give it up for Walt.

Appropriate because Walt's probably the biggest procrastinator I've ever met. Walt we hope you're happy. We give you an extra five minutes or so to finish writing your jokes. Don't be surprised if Walt's entire roast consists of a doctor, a lawyer, and Quinn walk into a bar, followed by him saying, I was going to finish it, but I had four hour dinner instead. I guess that's because that's how they do it in Europe. Walt is famous in the furnace family

for getting a little bit upset when things don't go his way. Although you have to talk to Abby if you want to know about smashing the Wheel of Fortune game. I didn't do it. So whether Walt's getting his car blown up and mini car racing by a bunch of quantum torpedoes or Someone shams his route and take it to ride or the Vikings don't go 16 and oh every year Rest assured there's going to be some coveching. I mean this has to be the Unhappiest two-time defending fantasy football champion I've ever met

Walt's team can score twice as many points in a season as an next best team, and he'll still lose his marbles because it back up kicker missed an extra point. If someone disappoints him, Walt will find a YouTube video to portray his frustration. But don't bother clicking on it. It's definitely that same Jim Mora playoffs. So we're happy to have everyone here. It's going to be a fun time filled

with a lot of great jokes and even better joke tellers. In addition to the joke tellers, Quinn will be stopping by again at the end to close the show. Apparently I said something funny. So when he starts talking again, feel free to just do no. Without further ado, our first roaster of the night is Abby, Sledgehog Sally. All right. All right, so Quinn's a big family guy. It took him two weeks after I was adopted until he asked

when I was going back to India. Being of adoption, Quinn and I used to work at K-Mart together and people thought he was the adopted one. And finally, we talked about fantasy football. And Quinn has been playing fantasy football for over half his life and he's never won the Super Bowl. Yeah. Oh. Woo. Anything else you want to add, sister? Those jokes are shorter than you. Thanks for letting me be on the Bean Town podcast. Subscribe, everybody.

Yeah. Good one, sister. I don't really know how to follow that up, so I think that without too much prognosticating, we'll just pass it over to the one and only the inimitable Grandpa Dave. Well, it's a pleasure to be a part of this roast. Queen has been referred to as a Toadstool in the forest. Now that's not exactly right because Toadstool is a fungus. So let's talk about more than one Toadstool. Fun guy. That's what Quinn is.

He's a fun guy. I've known Quinn for his whole life. And I like him. He. I like him so much that I told him once I would tell him everything I knew someday. And he said, well, why don't we just do it right now? It shouldn't take long.

And we got 20 minutes before lunch. So I thought that was time for me to brag a little bit, so I told him, you know, when I was in school, I was pretty good at history. And he said, well, that should have been pretty easy for you. There wasn't much history back then. Chicago kind of guy. And I know a couple of, I know all the couple of Chicago kinds of people. The first one was named Al Alphine's Capone. Some of these people you probably have never heard of. But Al Capone was in his time one of the foremost gangsters, racketeers, just an all-around bad guy.

He had his fingers in all kinds of things. The authorities, one time, had a little fracas going on in Canada, and they called Aliens, and he showed up with the big scar on his face, like always, and they asked him a few questions, and he finally said, you know, why are you asking me all these things? I don't know Canada.

I don't even know what street Canada is on. Well, another guy that was probably better was Carl Sandberg. He was a Chicago type of guy. And I had the privilege of hearing him once at a convocation. At a college I was attending. He talked about a lot of things, but one thing I remember, he said, I'm going to tell you about three authors. Milton, Dante, and me. He said, I'm different than those other two. The other two, Dante and Milton, talked about hell.

But they never went there. Me, I write about Chicago. And I overlooked that place for years and years. Well, and of course now that Quint is moved east, he's probably going to be referring to himself as a Baltimore kind of guy. And of course there's this other Baltimore kind of guy that we all know about Edgar Allen Poe. He did some of his best work in Baltimore when

he lived in Baltimore. He of course helped in naming the NFL entry into the football league, the Ravens. But Poe was not always known for being what he is. He was kind of uncertain when he was a younger man. He had some friends who were the same way. And they all worried about what they were going to do and what they were going to be. Poe especially was concerned about that. what they were going to do and what they were going to be. Poe, especially, was concerned about that.

One of the things that this group would do, they'd get together and they'd go for a jog. That's what they called it in those days. And this one time they were in the park that had some magnificent oak trees in it and they're all running, and it seemed like Poe was kind of headed for a tree. And in his partner next to him

was concerned about that too, and he could see that Poe was thinking about something else. So he yelled, Poe, a tree. And just then, of course, Poe veered off and didn't hit the tree. But the light went on in his head and he said, that's it, those words I just heard, that's what I'm going to do. And it's not only places where Quina's lived that he's been that type of a guy. He was pretty good at literature. One of his favorite quotes was by Reddyard Kipling. Kipling is said to have been the first one to say a woman is

only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. And I asked Quint about that. I said, well, what do you think of Kipling? He just returned with a blank stare and said, I don't know, I don't think I've ever kippled. Of course, Quinn, Quinn also was into music. And you know how it is when you're into music, you've got to pick an instrument. And his first thought was a tuba. But he decided against that. You know, whenever a note is played, the tuba player has to stop and say, excuse me. So, the next thing he thought I was a bass drum.

Well, Cole Porter, Fridge Gershwin, Bert Backrack, don't sound very good played on a bass drum, so he gave that up. But now with the podcast, he's gotten to be kind of an actor type of guy. And I think of an old, old actor type of guy, came from an old, old acting family, Lionel Barrymore. He had a brother named John and sister named, what was her name? Ethel, yes. And of course nowadays there's Drew,

so he's part of that family. And it said that Lionel was, well he had played Scrooge in the Christmas Carol, and he was currently in his final days of acting, and he was the original doctor killed there. And he was kind of a chromage and old grouch. He saw the guy with big, white hair. And he was being interviewed by a young reporter and the reporter said, Mr. Barrymore, you've been an actor for a long, long time.

Is there anything about acting that is not as much fun as it used to be? Well, Barrymore replied, I'm 75 years old and nothing is as much fun as it used to be. But that, he was 75 at the time. I can add 10 years to that. And say that being able to roast your grandson is still fun. And to Quinn I will say, keep up the good work, keep doing what you're doing, and emulate that toad stool in the forest.

Be a fun guy. All right. This is my third time on the podcast, and I have to say that's the most enriching thing I've ever heard. But when it's too bad you didn't choose the tuba, you could have won some musician instrument look-alike contests. All right, moving forward, our next broaster is Steve Fernos. All right, thanks everybody.

It's great to be here today to roast this great American. Who are we honoring? No, really, Quinn. It's great to have all 11 of your listeners together in the same room. You mentioned Jack Links earlier. And Jack Links and the Bean Town andowing Podcast have a lot in common. They both give me indigestion.

I see you guys were playing banana grams earlier today. You know, last night, Quinn accidentally ate a couple of those banana gram tiles. I think that next trip to the bathroom is going to spell disaster. Just kidding, Quinn. I know you're a great guy because you tell me all the time. As you can see, Quinn's a big guy. He's always been a big guy. Remember when Quinn was born, the nurse went to way him and put him on the scale in a piece of paper popped out that said, one at a time, please. You know, people don't know this, but Quinn's first onesie said, does this onesie make my thighs look big?

When Quinn was little, I used to pay the ice cream driver to keep on going. Jane once told me she thought Quinn was spoiled, but I told her, I think a lot of kids smell like that. You know, we always used to let Quinn take the family picture when he was a kid. That way he wouldn't be in the shot. But now, Quinn's all grown up, and I hear he started dating. I guess that last date didn't go so well. The girl showed up with pig tails under her arms. Quinn's got a good job now, but it hasn't always been that way.

You know, Quin was fired from his first job as a proofreader for the M&M company. His next job was working at a fire hydrant factory, but he had to quit because you couldn't park anywhere near that place. All kidding aside, Quinn. Quinn's grown into a fine young man, and we're very proud of him, and glad to spend this week together. So keep up the good work.

Thanks, guys. Thanks. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo.

Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo.

Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. I hear the M&M factory had to shut down after they started offering an employee discount.

All right. Our next roaster on the docket is Mom. Thank you. You know, I wasn't sure I wanted to be here because Quinn has denied me access to the podcast for a long time. But when I told Quinn I wanted to be on his All Star celebrity roast, he said, stop mom, you had me at roast. Also Quinn, I was told there would be hors d'oeuvres. You know, Quinn has always been a very strong-willed young man. Hey Quinn, remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah, me neither.

LAUGHTER Seriously, though, son, I love what you've done with your hair lately. How do you get it to come out of your ears like that? LAUGHTER Wow. LAUGHTER But, son, your laughter is the best medicine in the world. And if truly laughter is the best medicine in the world,

then your face must be curing world hunger. But I do want to tell a story about when Quinn was born. As my husband Steve just mentioned a few minutes ago, he was a big boy. He was a very big boy. And when he was born, the tradition is that the doctor slaps the baby's bottom.

But instead, I slapped the doctor. The tradition is that the doctor slaps the baby's bottom, but instead I slap the doctor. You know when I, I, our daughter told a story a few minutes ago about coming home in that story about asking when Ab was going to leave the true story. I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget another day when we went to the courthouse

to finalize the adoption. And as a good American family, we had the three boys dressed up in cute little matching short outfits remember those outfits guys. Green and blue. Tennis outfits from grandma's style. Add was in her cute little dress and the judge was so kind he called us back into his chambers said you know I want to make this real intimate and you know this is a family thing so come back to my chambers and we were back there in the three little boys were sitting on the couch so cute.

And Ab was sitting on her brother, on Steve's lap. And the judge walked over to Quinn. And he said, you look like you give your mom a hard time. And no lie, Quinn looked at him and said, you know it, mister. So Quinn's one told me that he had the body of a Greek God, but I had to explain to him that Buddha was not Greek. Quince has always had a thing for bathroom humor, which just made me at time. So he was a bit of a stinker bell.

And one day I was ironing in the laundry room, which was right below the boys' bathroom when I started to feel these little drops of water hitting me on the head. And I was ironing Steve's dress shirts, his nice white dress shirts, and all of a sudden it was just a flood of brown water coming through the floor. And I ran upstairs, and I ran into the bathroom, and there was Quinn standing in all his glory, ankle deep in toilet water, flushing the whole box of Kleenex down the toilet, and I said, hey, flush, Gordon, what are you up to? I said, time to mop in the name of love for the love, God. Years later, when I was telling this joke,

Quinn quipped, well, mom poop jokes are not my favorite, but they are a solid number two. He once told me that he wore 36 hours straight, and I didn't believe him, you know, the straight part, of course. So before I wind up here, I would like to promote my own new website, and I am fundraising. It's hope for mobs.com That's hold on the pain ends for mobs on podcasts.com. Thank you

All right sounds like there's gonna be a new podcast in town. So stay tuned our next roaster Happy to have you here, Kelly. Thank you. That's it. Thank you. All right, Quinn. Here's my one zinger for you. Quinn's older brother Walton.

My relationship started because I saw a picture of him on Facebook and thought he was really attractive. I was pretty intimidated to meet Quim. Quim. That's your new name, Quim. The first time I met him, considering, you know, from the same gene pool. But if only I knew you would one day host a podcast,

I wouldn't have been so concerned. Yeah. Yeah. Applause. Applause. Woo. Woo. All right. Thanks, Kelly. That was great. I think we learned a lot about Quim from that one. Well, we've given you as much time as we possibly could wall, so without further ado, take

it away Walden. All right, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's a big honor to be asked to go last, because you know what they say about going last. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Save the best for last, obviously. When Qun asked me to join in a roast, I thought at least there would be free food. He may be a podcast host, but he's clearly got some improving to do. Then I thought that my job was done when I roasted him in multiple games this week, but again, I was wrong. So here we are. Quinn's been talking about this roast for weeks. In fact, he hasn't been this excited about anything

since he thought Abby was being sent back to the orphanage. This is a very special podcast episode. And I would like to thank everyone for being here today. I would also like Quinn to thank me for being here today. Some of you may not know this, but by being here in this room, we are currently sending a record for the most people to have ever listened to an episode of the Beentown podcast. So give yourselves a round of applause. Also, sometimes people find it difficult to sit through an entire bean-town podcast,

so in case of emergency, please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the nearest emergency exit, keeping in mind that it may be behind you. Some of you know that Quinn's Twitter handle is white buns. And while he has a very pale posterior, it's actually a reference to his childhood practice of eating sandwiches consisting solely of white bread and a slice of ham or turkey. Speaking of buns, Quinn likes grabbing them.

His childhood hero was actually a hamburger. When he was a kid, he famously goosed in elderly gentleman at church during the coffee hour. At the time, we thought he was just mistaking the man for grandpa, but we later realized that Quinn was just an indiscriminate tweaker, which is carried over into his podcast, which rambles from topic to topic, like a tweaked out speed head. He certainly has no aversion to butts. As Jack mentioned, he has shown his own off on home videos numerous times.

And he found a way to incorporate butt slapping into his dance routine, bringing his number of moves up to two. Quint was a good pitcher in his youth. bringing his number of moves up to two. LAUGHTER Quinn was a good pitcher in his youth. He used to strike out a lot of batters. But when he wasn't on the mound, he would play short stops sometimes. He was so good at smothering ground balls that he earned the nickname the black hole. But this was not due to his ability to mop up hits, but rather because of his extensive crack that became visible while bending over to field balls.

He ended up hurting his arm pitching, but fortunately inspired by Gary Busy's character Chet Stedman in Rookie of the Year, he was able to continue dazzling batters in the geriatric leagues. Quinn is a great piano player, and you have to have strong fingers to play the piano well. That's true. Quinn didn't always like to exercise, but mom was worried that he went in a physical activity in his day. So he figured he would focus on his fingers and play video games killing two birds with one stone. Some of you know that Quinn is a real outdoorsman. As a child, he and Jack survived an entire night in the backyard in a tent. Some of you know that Quinn is a real outdoorsman.

As a child, he and Jack survived an entire night in the backyard in a tent. Their excursion came to a sudden halt, however, following the convergence of two deadly events. First, they accidentally stepped on their raspberry and grass salad. And second, the smell of Dad's pancakes, wafting out from the kitchen, reached the tent. After such a series of unfortunate events, the expedition had to be abandoned. Quinn is a pretty smart guy. He has a master's degree from Northwestern, and was first in his class from Lamb's Valley Academy,

which was the name of our homeschool. As a child on the swim team, Quinn once memorized from the directory, the phone numbers of an entire group of young ladies whom he had a crush on. It was an impressive display of mental acuity we have yet to see equaled since. Quinn talks a lot about building a brand, though I'm not sure what kind of brand he's building because when you listen to his podcasts on YouTube, subsequent suggested videos are either Jacqueline Xad's, Bad Oasis covers, or those 10 hours of white noise loops you can use to fall asleep. Nowadays Quinn likes to read, but this wasn't always so.

He once claimed to have read an entire 300-page book in about an hour. So if you wrote a really good application essay to Johns Hopkins and didn't get in, I think we all know what happens. Quinn spends a lot of time preparing for our fancy football league each year, spending hours on end practicing mock drafts, reading up on the best potential line-ups for each season. As a manager, he has yet to win a championship, however, despite his best efforts.

Now, that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him. Quinn Moneyball called. They want their money back. If you go on Quinn's profile on Tinder, you will see a picture of his right foot. Apparently, he didn't realize that putting your best foot forward is purely metaphorical. One time Quinn went on a Tinder date with himself because no one else swiped right on him. Good news is it ended amicably. Oh, my God. Nice. Quinn has lived in Baltimore for a little over a year now. Baltimore is nicknamed the Charm City,

but given Quinn's dating history on Tinder, the city doesn't seem to have rubbed off on him at all. All right. All right, it's been great to be on. Thanks, Quinn, and glad to be here. Thank you. Thank you. All right, that's going to give Quinn a chance to close the show. So you can switch off your headphones now.

If you enjoy hearing about frozen sheet cake, tinder dates, or terrible covers of Oasis songs, this is going to be right up your alley. So I'm gonna go ahead and do a little bit of the show. and switch off your headphones now. If you enjoy hearing about frozen sheet cake, Tinder dates, or terrible covers of a Wastis songs, this is going to be right up your alley. For everyone else, the funny stops here, more or less. Without further ado, the guy who deserves no introduction, the man of the hour, single and unfit to mingle

your evening host, Quinn David Fernandez. Thank you very much. We are laughing. This is fun. Thank you to my family. At least we can rule out that my amazing sense of humor is indeed not hereditary. Guess I got lucky with the jeans.

My sister, everyone, let's give a big round of applause for my sister Abby Furnace Came in with one and a half jokes. That was awesome Abby has been fascinated with wildlife her entire life and you know when your kid you learn that male lions will sometimes sleep up to 20 hours a day when Abby heard that fact she took that as a personal challenge and said I'll'll see you one better. We had to wake up Abby for this podcast, this special, I'm glad she could make it 11 o'clock is middle of the night for Abby, typically.

So I figured with all that sleeping, you'd get a really good vision of some better jokes, but that's okay. We'll settle for what you had. Thanks, sister. My grandpa Dave, everyone, how about that? Applause. Applause.

My grandpa Dave has been wearing the same Oregon Ducks pants for a couple of weeks now. I keep waiting for him to start talking about the glory days of Chip Kelly and how it'll never be the same, but we'll see if that happens later. My grandpa, my grandpa, my grandpa, Sal, traveled all the way from Minnesota just to be here for the roast. I'm really glad to have you and grandma here next time just remember to pack some better

jokes. So thank you very much. My brother Walt's everyone. How about that? As Jack mentioned earlier, I'm relieved that Walt's actually got his jokes in on time. When I checked in on him this morning, he was still working on some writing jokes for the Johnny Carson show, actually. He had some really good zingers for the Ford administration, but it was just a little bit late there, Walt.

Walt's been living out of a backpack for about a month here and no one actually told me that I just smelled it. So, Walt might be doing his doctoral research on fermented beverages, aka alcohol, which is really just an extension of one of his favorite hobbies, especially as a college student. Walt doing his research on beer would be like Abby conducting sleep research on herself.

Or me conducting research on how many pizzas you can eat in an hour. It's really a win-win situation. So thank you Walt for stopping by the podcast today. Kelly came on the podcast. That was exciting. So Kelly, I promise we'd only tell one joke, but I have one more for you.

So glad you could make it here today. I was actually afraid with your degree in German, you'd be so busy researching what no one wants or needs that you wouldn't be able to make it here for this. But thank you for coming anyways, really appreciate it. My parents making their podcasting debut. Tom and Dad, thank you for supporting me through this whole process. Thank you for bringing the jokes today.

Apologies once again for using all your college savings on a music degree. A good news is I went back to school to study education, and I'm considering getting a PhD in Latin. So the money should be coming back soon. To my dad, the Blue Man group called, and they said with some blue paint and any semblance of talent they'd love to have you audition.

For my mom, I hope you're happy. You finally made it on the podcast. Who would have thought your big debut would come on one of the funniest and smartest podcasts ever created? I guess opposites really do attract. That one got to laugh from mom. That was fun. We are laughing.

Last but not least, our host, Jack, everyone. Big round of applause. That was very impressive. Jack found out he was going to be hosting about 24 hours ago. So this was actually very well done. He's a true natural at the position. Jack is to hosting podcasts as Brian Dunkelman was to American Idol. No one will remember you in five years and you might spiral into some deep depression but at least you had fun in the moment.

So thank you very much for helping us out. If I closed my eyes and really focus hard I could almost pretend that you were funny enough to write those introductions and not a much more handsome and witty younger brother. So thank you for that, too. Thank you. Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Mom. Well, I don't want to keep anybody any longer.

We have had a lot of laughs today. We have had a lot of fun. Thank you to everyone for coming all the way to the Pacific Northwest just for my roast. I really appreciate that. And keep those jokes coming. Maybe we'll turn this into an annual thing. I don't know.

It could be fun. As always, you can follow us on Twitter. We are at Beentown Cast. You can find us on Apple, podcasts, iTunes, YouTube, SoundCloud, Play or FM wherever you listen to your podcasts. Jack links if you're out there, get in touch. We love the heavy. You can always email us beantownpodcastiyahu.com. That's beantown, B-E-A-N-T-W-N podcastiyahu.com. For the bean town podcast and bean town unplugged, this has been Beantown Podcast, presents the roast

of Quinn David Furnace. Thank you to all my wonderful guests again, and I will check in on you later.