Bedros Keuilian Podcast Show - 048. My Advice To Young Men Feeling Lost In Life

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

In this latest episode, I discuss this deep-rooted issue that's tearing apart our society and eroding our country. It’s an issue that's been brushed under the rug for far too long. Fatherless homes have been an unfortunate silent tormentor for countless individuals. Look, I've seen it firsthand, both in the young boys at the Squire Program and in many of the men at the MDK Project. And as men, it’s up to us to step up and address this issue head-on. Whether you had a father in your life or not, you have the ability to mentor yourself to greatness. JOIN MY FREE 6-WEEK CHALLENGE: https://bedroskeuilian.com/challenge

Your father who's absent, who chose to abandon you, to abandon your siblings, to abandon your mom, to leave, that's not your fault. What is your fault is if you continue to stay in this state of victimhood. Welcome to the Bedroskoolian show. Back when Q was rolling with Lorenzo and a Benzo, I was banging with a gang of instrumental. Hey friends, welcome to the Bedrose Coolean show. I'm Bedros Cooleon, and today I've got a topic that I want to talk to you about that is coming from my heart.

not that every other episode doesn't come from my heart. It absolutely does, but this is one that, quite honestly, as I was outlining it, it moved me emotionally several times. And so I'll be referring to my notes as I always do because I outline every one of my episodes. In fact, by the way, if you're watching this on YouTube, if you ever want me to share with you guys how I outline my episodes for the Bedros-Culian show, let me know in the podcast comment section there. And I'll gladly, lay that out for you guys, either maybe on a Q&A or maybe even type it up somewhere and post it for you guys. If you ever want to start a show on anything, it's good to have a topic outline process, right? But today I want to talk to you guys about something that's really meaningful to me because as I work with a lot of young men and fathers through the Squire program, and as I work with a lot of men in the project, I get to experience some boys and some grown men who grew up. fatherless. Now the boys that come to the Squire program who don't have a father in the house, typically the mom will find the Squire program and will register for them and

then they'll reach out to us before that and we'll assign that boy a mentor. It'll be a typically a friend of mine, maybe from the special operations community or a project graduate, someone that I know, someone that I like, someone that I trust and someone whose values I admire and someone who's very close to me will mentor that young man through the Squire program. And typically now that young man will have a older big brother or mentor in his life. And so when I see these young men coming through the Squire program and when I see grown men who come through through the project who have experienced the fatherless home, I see the damage that takes place. In fact, 23% of children out there have,

grown up in fatherless homes. And when you think about the other maybe 25, 30 percent on top of that, so when you really think about it, I would say 50 percent of young men grow up either fatherless or the father is absent, right? Your father is absent, meaning they're physically there, but they're emotionally disconnected and not pouring into you, not really mentoring you, not advising you. But I want to specifically talk to the young men who don't have to, have fathers. And so let's, let's get going. Here's what I've realized is that no matter what, you're going to grow up with a chip on your shoulder. I've seen that. I've had plenty of friends who grew up without fathers. They may have had stepdad's come into their life. Maybe some of

those stepdad's were blessings and have really taken them on as their own and poured into them and looked after them. Or they've had step dads come through their life where, you know, only damage them further, right? Not only did that young boy feel like, hey, my father, I don't know him. He's been out of my life. But now the stepfather or the stepfathers that have come through have treated me like garbage, like second class citizen, have been abusive and have scarred me up. And so I realize that you've had a unfair shake at life. But I also want to tell you something, man. And this is from the heart, I want to let you know that you can't let that circumstance end up hardening your heart towards the man that you're going to become. And I really want to stress that point.

Now, Father has many great roles, especially a present father has many great roles. The present father's job is to teach you courage, to teach you strength, to teach you honor, to teach you mastery and skills, right, to teach you shivery, to teach you right and wrong, a code, a core values. And while I'm not taking anything away from the moms, there are just certain things that a man can teach a young boy. That's just it. It is factory installed for a young boy to want to learn certain things from a man. And a man will teach that young boy in a way that only men can. And that is why there are rites of passage for thousands of years. Cultures across the world have had a right of passage for young boys as they step into manhood. In fact, when you think about

the word squire, hence the squire program that we run, the young squire is literally being mentored by a knight, a knight who will end up teaching this young squire, chivalry, honor, strength, core values, a code, mastery, right? So, but in the absence of that, you might find your in a place where you are depressed, that you're sad, that you feel like a victim. You might feel abandoned. And I could understand. I could understand. You know, when I look at the stats and I see that 85% of people in prison, especially young kids in prison, are fatherless. 63% of teen suicides, they're fatherless. I'm I realize what a epidemic it is.

But I also want you to know that you can't live with that as your identity, why your life is going to suck. I'm here to tell you this because you've got an entire life ahead of you. And if you have this chip on your shoulder, and if you feel like a victim, and if you never grow into the man that you're supposed to be, then that purpose that God or the creator has bestowed upon you will go unseen by humanity. I think we could all agree that if we're here on this planet, there's probably some work we have to do.

And if you watch the BK show, you know that the greatest work that any man can do is the work of becoming his 2.0 self. of evolving, of growing, of self-mastery, because when you reach your highest levels of self-mastery and personal excellence and maintain the highest standards for yourself and conduct yourself in a way that you're the type of man that you would respect and honor and you would like, it is then that you could serve humanity with your life's work, your passion, your purpose. And so if you're here and you haven't had a father, you haven't had anyone pour into you, you probably feel abandoned.

You might feel rejected. You might feel like a victim. In fact, statistically speaking, you may have experienced more abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse. There's a much higher probability that you're using drugs, alcohol, to escape your reality. But what is that really doing? What is that really doing? You're just stuck in this self-loathing state where you know that you're meant for more.

You know greatness awaits you. You desire to help humanity. But until you break out of these vices, until you stop feeling like a victim, until you change your identity, you won't be able to serve humanity. You won't be able to have the money that you want, the meaning that you want, the marriage that you want, the health that you want, and that you

deserve. So let's talk about that. Listen, guys, whatever happened between your mom and dad has nothing to do with you. Maybe your mom made a bad choice. Maybe it was a great choice and dad went down some weird rabbit hole of alcohol and drugs and ended up absent out of your life. Whatever circumstances led you to hear where you are without dad, we now have to figure out what do we do beyond this.

Because I want you to understand that if you're constantly longing for your dad, for your father, and hoping that you guys can one day reconnect, and until then you won't be whole, you're letting your life go by. And if you're letting your life go by, there's a massive amount of people who could be getting inspiration, motivation, service, support, a product of whatever from you,

but you're too busy, sitting in your own shit, depressed, anxious, sad, overwhelmed, feeling like a victim to put your best self out there. And so I'm here to tell you this. Your father who's absent, who chose to abandon you, to abandon your siblings, to abandon your mom, to leave, that's not your fault.

What is your fault is if you continue to stay in this state of victimhood. But I want to let you know that the greatest level of self-mastery that you could do right now is to understand one thing, that that was not your father. That's not your dad. That person who abandoned you is just a sperm donor. And I want you to understand it that way. As soon as you do, you will already start evolving to a higher place as a human. Because I want you to understand that you are not a replica of him.

And if you've got a mother who maybe is nuts or, you know, little, little on the deep, deep end of on the crazy side, which could be why she chose a fucked up father for you in the first place. And if she's blaming it on you, I'm here to tell you it's not your fault that he left. And if you've got a supportive mom who tries to provide, who tries to do everything for you, that is awesome, man. Then you've got an even greater duty to get out of this shit phase that you're in, of loathing, of feeling like a victim, of feeling sorry. Because if you don't, how can you show this mom who has a single mom raised you, took care of you, poured into you, provided for you did as much as she could to expose you.

you to good people, good values, good morals, right? So on one side of it, it's not your fault. If your mom is crazy and she picked crazy and your crazy pops went away, well guess what? That's not your fault. That guy was a sperm donor. He is not your father. He is not your dad. Don't go out looking for a relationship with him. And on the flip side of it, if your mom did pick a crazy person, but your mom is a good human being. She's not blaming you for anything. She took care of you. And guess what? You've got this duty and obligation to transcend, man, to rise up and become the better version of yourself. Because I'm here to tell you that if you constantly take on this victim role, if you're always loathing, if you feel that while

I've been rejected, and therefore I will always be rejected, you're going to miss out on the best parts of life, money, meaning, love, experiences, a family. And to that point, I want to let you know that you've got a second chance. You've got a second chance at a father and son relationship. Now, obviously, the first chance didn't work out for you where you were the son and your father is absent. But you do have a second chance at a father and son relationship or a father and child relationship. And that is when you have a child and you love that child up and you are present and you are loving and you were there and you were whole and you provide, you protect, you give them experiences, you build memories. And what that will do is it will heal your inner child.

I promise you that. Whether your dad was absent physically or your dad was absent emotionally, Lee, when you have that second chance at a father and son relationship, you'll see a lot of healing take place. But you'll never put yourself in a place to have a healthy marriage, a healthy relationship. And children, if you don't do the healing that you've got to do, if you don't develop yourself into the man that you're meant to be. because you might go out and repeat the same pattern. You might go out and pick a woman who's crazy, who's nuts, who's codependent.

And you'll find yourself becoming this Captain Savajo and repeating the same pattern. And maybe you'll stay in that marriage for the sake of those children. But it will be a shitty relationship and you know it. and imagine the damage that you'll do to those kids by picking the wrong woman. And so young men, I'm speaking to you. If you were fatherless, understand that that was a sperm donor. You were abandoned and that was a gift because that guy was an asshole. But the gift that you got was a gift of life, the gift of opportunity.

and instead of feeling like a victim, like you were rejected, like you were abandoned, you should feel as though you've got a chance to impact and to influence the next generation. And that only happens when you decide to heal. So how does healing happen, right? Well, I want to let you know something. Healing happens by virtue of you seeking out other men who have. who have those traits of a great father. You know, I always jokingly say around here at HQ

that I almost feel like I'm the father of the world. Like I could just be the father of a lot of men, of a lot of young men. And I see myself that way. Whether they're grown men that come to the project, I just treat them like I'm their big brother. Or their young kids who come to the Squire program. Yes, they'll come with their friends.

fathers or with their stepdad's who are awesome. And sometimes we have to assign a young man, a mentor because there is no father in his life. But no matter who they are, I'm still a father figure to them. And you have that opportunity. I want you to know that, man, because there's nothing more damaging to a young man than not realizing his fullest potential in life, his fullest potential in strength, in courage, in honor, in impact,

in a relationship. I know it's easy to sit and play video games, feel sad and feel like a victim and feel like you were thrown away, to escape with weed and alcohol and pornography, to vape away your feelings. But that's not going to get you anywhere. You can play video games all you want.

You can binge watch TV all you want. You can escape with these vices all you want. Until you start healing, you will not feel whole. And healing happens by you finding other men. And how do you find these men? Well, you might find them in a gym. You might find them in a jiu-jitsu school. You might find them at a place where you can learn to box.

you might find them at a junior college where you can take an automotive class and learn how to work on cars. Like you could truly go to a trade school part time and learn the skills of mastery like learning how to work on things. The things that your father should have showed you but instead he ran away and took off,

you can go and find those things. and when you do, each thing that you find and each man that you find who has a code, who has core values, who is honorable, who can teach you skills, who can fit into your life like a mentor, a big brother,

a father, you'll find that that giant hole in your heart that was left there by your dad who abandoned you will start to heal. And that is a pretty fucking cool thing, man. And I want to let you know But sometimes you have to use this anger and this rage that you have. If you're angry and pissed off that you were abandoned and you feel rejected and you,

your mom, your siblings, you guys had a hard time getting by on a single income household because that guy took off and didn't fulfill his responsibilities as a father, as a dad. Well, guess what? Use that anger. Use that rage to become the best version of it. yourself to become a man with so much honor so much value so many skills and traits that you can start serving other men other young men who are currently in your position in fact i think it was the um the founder of alcoholics anonymous he tried to stop drinking his name is bill something or

rather i forget his name But he tried to stop drinking for years, man, and he would stop for a period of time and then he'd start drinking again. Then he'd stop for a period of time and he started drinking again. And one day he just gave up. He says, he told his wife, honey, I'm done. I am done trying to give up drinking. It seems like I'm just constantly meant to drink and I'm an alcoholic and I can't seem to stop drinking. But what I am going to do is go and help others and support them and mentor them.

and helped them stop drinking. And he literally went to Skid Row. And he started helping people who were homeless, winos. He started helping them, coaching them, mentoring them, to stay off alcohol, to find a job, to get a place, to be an active member of society. And some 16 weeks went by, and his wife brought to his attention that this was the longest period of time that he had stopped drinking.

So in the attempt of helping others quit drinking, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous himself stopped drinking. And this is why they have sponsors at AA. When you decide that you're an alcoholic and you go to AA, the first thing they give you is a sponsor, a mentor.

And it's not so that that guy can mentor you as much as it is for you to be a person that he can hold accountable. Because when we are having to hold someone accountable, just like when I teach this stuff on the show, I also learn. I reinforce the message for myself. Every single one of these episodes are just as valuable to me. as they are for you. And so what you can do as a young man who was fatherless is to realize that fuck him, number one.

Number two, use that anger and rage and channel it for good instead of for self-destruction and become the best version of yourself. Go out and serve other young men, boys and girls clubs, right? There's so many different things that you can do. you can come out and help us at the Squire program. Like we're looking for junior instructors all the time. And if you don't have a father figure to go through the Squire program with, just reach out to us.

We'll find someone, a mentor that you can go through that program with so that you can be plugged in with other good men, men of high value, men of high self-worth, men who have high standards. men who focus on personal excellence, men who pay it forward, men who are mission focused, vision focused, purpose driven. And what ends up happening is when you are within the proximity of others who you want to be like, whether it's jujitsu, whether it's learning to be a car mechanic, that doesn't

mean you have to do that as a career. Go develop skills. Go develop man skills. Like learn to box. Go to the gym and work out. take a like a hardware shop right like learn to make a

a fucking closet a nightstand a coffee table like learn electricals like learn how to rewire your house and when you learn that from an individual who can mentor you in that

and you guys know this I do these six week challenges I started doing my six week challenges with things that I was physically uncomfortable with doing. The first one was a marathon. I trained for and ran a marathon in six weeks. And after doing that, I realized, man, I told myself that I'm just designed to lift weights, that I'm not designed to run long distance.

Yet I did in just six weeks by hiring a coach and sticking to the plan and running and completing that marathon. And what that did for me is gave me the confidence in other areas. of my life that I could do other things. That led to a jiu-jitsu challenge and MMA challenge. That led to salsa dancing and guitar lessons and rock climbing and surfing challenge. Like there's a lot of things that you can do and learn from other men. You should go learn how to shoot a gun.

There's instructors for that. You should go learn how to use a bow. You should go learn how to knife fight. In fact, one of the coolest things my son and I did a couple years ago is we went to Wichita Falls, Texas, and there's a gentleman out there named Harley Elmore. And Harley was referred to me by a friend of mine, Dom Raso, who's a former SEAL Team 6 guy.

And Dom sells these awesome, beautiful fixed blade knives, as does Harley. But I said, hey, Dom, I've got a couple of years. knives. I love them. And I bought the trainer knives, like these aluminum versions of them as well. But I really would love to go to a real world tactical training place to learn knife fighting from people that you guys in special operations learned from. Where would me and my son go to have that experience? He's like, I got the guy for you. His name is Harley Elmore. Let me text him. And he made that introduction. And off I went. My son and I had to

such a great time for two days, learning to knife fight, being around other men who have a skill that we at that time did not have. And two whole days, man, it was so much fun. And there's memories, there's experiences, the travel factor. You ought to do that for yourself. And you may not be able to travel right now, but find the things locally that you can do. Learn to change a tire. Like if there's a speedway nearby, go and watch people racing their cars. Because those same guys who are racing their cars, especially the older guys, look for the gray beards and the classic cars that are racing and talk to them, meet them. Go to a cars and coffee meet on any Saturday morning or Sunday morning.

Usually in front of any donut shop in any state, you'll find one. you'll find a lot of great men out there say hi introduce yourself you don't necessarily have to say I'm looking for a father figure but what you can say is tell me more about your car why do you have it what did you do to it and you build relationships and you keep going and between that and jiu jitsu and surfing and whatever other skills knife fighting gunfighting like learn the skills that men possess and you will soon realize that with those skills of strength and courage and tough guy stuff, you also meet some really tenderhearted humans. Because I can tell you from firsthand experience, a lot of these guys care and love and want to

protect, want to serve, want to support. And these men become your father figures. And just through the power of proximity, of being. around them, you will find yourself developing into the man that your father should have helped you develop into had he stuck around, number one, and had he known what to do, number two. And the truth is, if your pops isn't here, guess what? He probably didn't have those skills. He probably didn't have those traits.

He probably had a fucked up childhood. And I'm not trying to absolve him. from taking off, but I'm saying you're probably better off having an absent father than some addict who's abusive to you, to your siblings, to your mom, whether mentally, emotionally, physically. And so consider this a gift, man. You are not a victim. Fuck the sperm donor. But what a gift that you're alive. Find the fathers in your life who can teach you. the skills, the traits, the code of man. And I want to help you by doing that.

If you ever get the chance to come any of my events, whether it's project or Squire program or Mussoge, the next time I have Bedros Kuhnilin Live, sign up for it, come to it, let's spend time together. I'll put you in proximity with other good men. But I want to let you know right now that there's nothing wrong with you. other than the false identity that you've taken on

by feeling like you're a reject or that you're unlovable or that you're a victim. You're none of that. You're a fucking savage human being. And the greatest revenge you can give to that sperm donor is a revenge of success. Because success truly is the greatest revenge, man.

Right? Happiness is the greatest revenge. fulfillment, living your life's purpose. Those are all the greatest revenge. Moping around, feeling like a victim. Over-drinking, over-smoking, over-stimulating with bullshit stuff just to escape your reality because you're sad, serves no one. Not you, not your mom, not your siblings.

And this is your chance for you to flip the switch, to become that role model. And so I want to leave you with two specific books that I think you ought to read. If you're a young man and you don't have a father figure in your life and you're ready to change and transform into the man, the formidable man that you're meant to be. Book number one is by my dear friend Jack Donovan, The Way of Men. Buy that book, the audiobook or physical book, The Way of Men by Jack Donovan, buy it and read it. Book number two is Wild at Heart by John Eldridge. another amazing book

specifically written for you on how to father yourself, how to mentor yourself. But I want you to understand, guys, just because Dad's not in the picture does not mean that you're not going to become a man of impact, of influence,

of inspiration, of great income, of legacy, You deserve all of those things, but it's not going to be handed to you. Develop yourself into the man you're meant to be. And you do that through self-mastery. You go back and you watch the past episodes of the Bedros Kulian show. It is literally a playbook to becoming the 2.0 version of yourself,

the highest-level version of yourself. The self that breaks through limiting beliefs, the self that overcomes and the adversity that life can throw at you. And when you watch all the back episodes or you listen to the back episodes of the BK show and you surround yourself with mentors who can play a father figure in your life,

you constantly do the things that a good man does, you will become a good man who will then have a second chance at a parent and child, a father and child, a father and son relationship. This time you'll be the father. And you will do what they. right way. Guys, thank you so much for watching and listening to this episode of the Bedros

Kulian Show. Always remember that averages the enemy, that success is your responsibility, and change can take place in an instant if you are willing to flip the switch. I'll see you next time. What's the difference between me and you? Back when Q was rolling with Lorenzo and a Benzo, I was banging with a gang of instrumental.