Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 115 - Milky Man

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

Natasha Hodgson, Stevie Martin, Amy Gledhill and Daniel Rigby join in this week as we meet Milky Man. Written by Natasha HodgsonEditing and sound design by Andy GoddardEpisode art by Tom Crowley Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.comMusic credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com:A Bad Gut Feeling / Experia Claustrophobia / Lennon HuttonMerry-Go-Round-And-Round / The Fly Guy FiveStill Rivals / Dream CaveOver the Fence / Roots and Recognition

Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. I'm sorry to say that all our operators are busy at present tuning, skimming and wrestling with the autumn calves. But if you have questions, please leave. Oh god. Amy? Amy! It's not put me through! No one's answering, I think we just... We just call the police. This is ridiculous.

He's gone. What? He's gone out the window. What? I know, it's all been quite bad. What? You were supposed to be holding him! No, he's strong as a horse! He was about 8. You dick, he was easily 12. 12? Okay, a sickly 12, easily. Look, sorry for believing you had the ability to restrain a sickly 12 year old.

There's something wrong with that kid, mate. It was like his insides were made of robots. Where's he gone? He squeezed my upper arm and it was like a tornado would hit him. Oh my god, stop using such confusing words! Did you talk to them? He wouldn't stop screaming about it. The cow milk show, whatever it was. No, no, I got the answer phone.

Okay. Fucking hell. What do we do now? Do we call the police? I don't know, is it a crime? Technically he jumped in the window, but then, you know, if he almost immediately jumped out again, I mean, that is illegal, but only very quickly?

But is it illegal to jump into a house though? Yes! Yes, I mean yes, I think so! Okay, not to mention interrupting a very important conversation. Oh mate, don't start now. Let's just deal with this surprise boy thing and then- I'm not starting! If anything, I'm carrying on. I know, and I would rather not. Because it has been weeks. I know! Listen, I'm gonna try calling If anything, I'm carrying on. I know, and I would rather not. Because it has been weeks. I know!

Listen, I'm gonna try calling the beef thing again. You're no longer in a relationship with the man. I know that. Well then you know he can't live with us anymore. Can we deal with the leaping toad boy situation first? Just keep putting it off! You can't just sleepwalk through this. In Graham's defense, he's barely here.

Are you joking? He was practicing for his trombone recycle for four hours last night. He's trying to improve himself. Three different neighbours asked me if I was being killed and could he get on with it. It is a horrible street to be fair. Look, I'm sorry for him that he's a lonely sad sack that you dumped but... Jesus!

He's not a sad sack. He's got a trombone, hasn't he? He's never alone with a trombone. You need to tell him to get a move on. Someone has to change something. It's weird as just hanging out in the house, being in rooms together, just making toast like it's normal. Hi mate, eating some bread, I see.

Also please leave and never come back. At least he could probably have restrained a small boy when he jumps through the window. You can't go out with someone based on their ability to restrain young boys. That is such a bad value. Can we talk about this when a boy hasn't just climbed in the house and shouted about some meat radio program? Okay. Okay.

He was so strong though. Like, why was he so strong? I don't know. What did he want? I think he... No. Maybe not. What?

Well, I don't know. I thought he said something about a calling. How he was trying to get away from the calling. Yeah he said about patterns he heard in the beef. But why did he come here? I'm gonna call him again. Okay, I'll check the sills for damage. The sills?

The sills? The window sills? Yeah. Are we... We're abbreviating window sills? Just call the number. I'm doing it! Oh he's put soil all over the skirting boards, the little bastard! Do you mean skirty bees?

Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals God I'm sorry to say that all our operators are busy at present Hello love hello any milk at all. Oh Milk Hello, love. Hello. Any milk at all? Oh, erm... Milk? Oh, we're fine for milk, thanks. I don't think I even knew we had milkmen on this bit.

Yes. Dying breed. Yeah, yeah. Shops. Yes, yes, that must be... It's the shops, what, damn it, officer! Yeah, yeah, I mean, well, yes, that must be, um... It's the shops what done it, officer! Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, yeah, I mean, well, it's hard because you can't just get everything there, so... Last of the warriors, we are. Shops done in the bread man.

The cabbage men. The meat man. That's butchers, isn't it? We used to call them meat men. That's probably a worse name. They all used to go door to door. The streets would be streaming with sales folk. Knock, knock, knock.

Good morning, madam. Care for a head of lettuce? Care for a rustic bat? Yeah, lots of products. Care for a fresh bean, mom? Can I interest you in my wool? Care for a gunny? Penny for a shiny egg?

And now look at us, the last battalion. Me all alone, except for my cranking little bottles and my tiny little car. Cranking out its little song. Here he comes, the milky man. The milky man is here. It's loud. It's the milky man. That is lovely. I'm not familiar but it is. We're in milk?

Nope. Nope. I think we're okay for milk. No. I'm asking familiar, but it is, but... Is there milk? Nope. Nope. I think we're okay for milk. No. I'm asking you, love. I'm going door to door. Things being what they are, my bottles are bone dry. Any milk? Going? Spare a tinkle of creamy white for a milkman in need? Er...

I'm not sure that's... I'll just... let me get my, erm... Just... just stay there. Just survival, d' you know what I mean? Of course, yeah. That's why we train them. Sorry? You have to train them so they can carry it on.

Just... give me a second. Amy! So, I called the police. They said they've had similar reports of a rogue strong boy, but unless we can confirm it was a leap rather than a jump, there's very little they can do. Amy! What?

There's a milk man at the door. Oh, cute. I'm mostly like a leaf milk person now though. What's leaf milk? It's where they skim the milk directly from the top of the leaf after it rains. Do you mean water? I don't know, it was incredibly hydrating. Can you just come and see this guy, please? Why?

Please, weird! Please just talk to him while I get him some milk. I don't wanna leave him at the door on his own. Sorry, I don't understand. Isn't he supposed to sell you milk? Don't have time, Amy! Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Milk, milk, milk. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water.

I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. One. One. Okay. What? So I was looking around for alternatives, sort of cruising the milk scene, and then came across this carton on the back of it. It just said basically they just skim carton on the back of it. It just said basically they just skim it directly off the top of the leaf. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I don't think that's part of God's plan, darling. Hello. Hello, thanks so much for this. Amy here was just telling me about your boy. Oh, our boy. A boy trying to escape through your living room bloody window. Was he, we don't... was he escaping?

Just a turn of phrase, sweetheart. Do you have the... Uh, yes, I'm so sorry. We don't actually have any. We don't have any milk. Oh. Right. Oh, we do?

No, no, no, no. Yeah, Zoe, I saw it. It's in the fridge door. You bought it yesterday. No, it's, it's, um... I'll get it! No, no, I drank it. I, er... I drank it. When? Just now.

Er, I'm really sorry. I don't... I don't quite know what happened. I just... What, sorry, you drank all the milk? No, no. No, no, no. Good girl. Good for you. Nothing better for you than milk. Good for the bones.

Keeps you young. Makes you strong. I'll be off then, if you're happy. I really am sorry. Don't be! Please! It's... It's fine.

Off he goes, the milky man, the milky man was here. Off he pops the milky man with the milky spring in his step- Thanks, bye! A liter of milk? Yeah, I know, I don't know what happened. That must be so claggy! It was actually horrible in the throat, but to be honest, I do feel a bit better. better How do your bones feel did he seem weird to you you seem very weird to me something something's going on. I don't know What can you hear that?

Can you hear that noise no, it's the TV did you did you turn the TV on no I was checking the sales Will you stop saying sales? They're fine by the way I'm gonna go there's a bit of service damage we'll buff around. Come on something's happening we've got to go see. You seriously can't hear that? No what's going on with you? Nothing it just sounds exactly like... Like what? The guy the beef guy! What? It stopped. I thought oh Sorry, sorry. It's that boy. He's just freaked me out. Like, where did he go? Oh, the guy said it was sorted. What guy?

The milk guy. What, the boy was sorted? Yeah, yeah, he said it's all fine, they're happy. Who's they? Fucking hell, his family, I assume. Who else could he have meant? I don't know! I just... That guy saying he tried to escape and... I'm sorry, but what kind of milkman doesn't carry his own milk? Well he's retiring soon, he probably can't be asked anymore.

How long did you talk for? You were in here drinking a liter of milk! Yes, we had a chat. What did he actually say? Just that he's ready to retire and that he's found his replacement. Why are you being so insane? I just... I need... I'm gonna go for a walk.

Okay, well apparently we need more milk, so do you fancy driving to the shop? Yes, yeah. I'll do that. And I'll call Graham and I'll talk to him about the whole moving on thing. I should have done it earlier, you're right. Look, no, it's hard to... like it's a whole new chapter. It's easy just to get stuck in a bit of a... Yeah, yeah. Come on, let's both go. Yeah. Yes. Great. Thanks, Ames. Let's go. I'll just try this number one more time. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. Sometimes it's possible to do something

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I honestly think like a new start would be good for all of us actually. Yeah. Not gonna lie, since I got that Nintendo Switch, I've been doing like 14 hours a day on this oil rig simulator and it's bloody compelling, but you do start to you know see the skin on your hands age in real time Problem is you are so suited to simulation oil rig life I know I am like it's so wistful and desolate, but I'm still in a really nice chair

Okay Let's go to the shop when we get back everything will feel normal Sorry one sec, okay Let's go to the shop and when we get back everything will feel normal. Oh sorry, one sec. Okay. Amy? Amy? What's she doing? Amy are you getting in? Keep driving. What the fuck? Where's Amy? Where are we?

I'm the driver, you're in charge of navigation. Get going, there could be anywhere. But I... Turn the engine on! Oh for goodness sake! I'll sort us the radio. I know how you get. I'll sort us the radio. Turn the engine on! Oh for goodness sake! I'll sort us the radio I know how you get I'm careful with the fog and everything

I will, yeah Keep your eyes clean They could be anywhere Come out, come out Wherever you are. You know, I used to think the whole thing was quite barbaric. My husband, do you have a husband? I can't, erm, there's some problems with Graham, I think.

My husband's romantic. He's a sweetheart. Do you know what I mean? He bathes me. He buys me cherries and he whispers at me. He's gone for weeks and then he comes back in for the night and covers me with soft, heavy fabric. It's very surprising and very relaxing. Anyway, he said to me at one point, It's not fair all this, you know, what we're doing here. He thinks we should leave well alone.

And I said to him, listen, there was a time I was working in Asda, in Warrington. Do you know the Warrington Big Asda? She's an absolute tank. Honestly, she's a hip-oven Asda, fully gorgeous. And I was shelf-stacking, L5, baking in cereals, when I saw a man sticking a packet of Weet-o's in his trousers, straight in, straight down. And obviously, I'm a human being. My blood ran cold. Yes, the mark-up's big. Yes, a Weet-o's, a high starch intake for a morning treat.

But to see that, so crude, against the calm backdrop of the breakfasts I knew and loved so well. It was a shock. And you know, it's one of those things, isn't it? Do you say something, do you not? Do you take action? Do you let it go? And I breathed in and I thought to myself, it's here, it's tiny holes like this where evil creeps in. And I took a breath and I steadied myself and I walked over to him saying, Excuse me, excuse me, sir, over there. And he, this poor man, he cocked his head like a criminal chicken and he bolted.

He ran for it instantly. He sprinted past cheese, perishables, world food, mops and honestly before I could type the emergency code into my personal radio he was gone. I was just left standing agog and I tried to explain what had happened to Jill and she told me that Cereals was Jeff's territory and after what had happened at the team away day I had to stop trying to show off. Next day, I'm doing the same round, the same route. I'm sorry, but Geoff is not a thorough person and this is an Aldi, we have standards to maintain.

And I see the exact same man stood at the exact same place, same time. I can't believe he's come back to be honest with you. Every hair on my body was poker straight and poker thick. And I watch. I watch and I see him pick up a packet of wheat hose, freshly restocked. He holds it gently, lovingly. And slides it down his trousers. This time it's like a gun has been shot. I'm

off. I'm shouting, Oi! Oi! Twice in two days! How much chocolatey fibre does one man need? He sees me, his face registers the same insane surprise and he's gone. Same route, same thing. I can't bloody catch him. He's dust. He's the bloody horizon. Third day, I cannot believe it when I see him. When I round the corner and he's there, all the breath leaves my body and I start screaming. And he's reaching for the witos. I can see it right in front of me the shameless bastard and I just start yelling no no you cannot come here and disrespect this mighty establishment get here get here now and he's has his eyes

widen and the surprise registers on his face and I think, how? How can this be surprising to you? Third day, third day in a row that you've come in here with the intent to thief. It's as I'm thinking this that in that second I realise he's wearing the exact same clothes he was yesterday and the day before that and not only that, every detail about them is the same. A tiny thread dangling from the left pocket, a mild tea stain on the elbow. I've barely had time to digest what it is, what this means. Before he's off, like a pony on a laser beam.

Why does he come back? Why the same box every day? And when did they get rid of Professor Weito from the boxes? Was he testing badly? What happened there? Fourth day. I've barely slept. I'm a bit of a mess to be honest with you. Of course I've brought it up at the morning meeting and of course Jeff has said something pathetic about how it's his son and I should get back to worrying about how cold the fish counter is. It's covered in ice Jeff, those kippers couldn't be frostier. But I've begged everyone keep an eye, keep an eye out for the Weet-O's man.

Time ticks away. I'm hardly registering what people are saying to me. I'm watching the clock. I'm just flinging, herring, hither and vither and when the moment comes I abandon Carl at the counter. I can't help myself. Around the corner I have to know. I don't know what I'm praying for. And he's there. Same clothes, same look of peace, of expectation on his face. He reaches for the wee toes. I don't move.

It's like time slows down. I turn and I look to see if anyone else is around. If anyone else can confirm what it is, I now know what I can feel in my heart to be true. He's not doing it every day. Of course he's not. It's not that he's doing it every day. It's just that this place keeps repeating it.

I stand still, fighting my instinct to join him, to shout. I stay silent as the grave. And then I watch, as without warning, he looks up in horror. He twists his head back like he did every other time, that grotesque jump, as if I've shouted bloody Mary at him and he bolts. I watch him leap over the magnificent tower of quality streets like I have every day for the past four days. And then he's gone.

He's trapped in a loop. I can see it now. Or at least this ghost is. Can there be ghosts of people still alive? And as Jill descends on me for leaving Carl unattended with the clams, I think to myself, is there some version, some brief shadow of me somewhere at my lowest step? You know, some memory playing out over and over, sticking pick and mix down my top just before going to see Matrix Revolutions, or crying in front of the old El Paso box because my husband's

not been home for six weeks. Is that all these places are? The trailing memories of nights spent snaking around a labyrinth looking for something, some answer, some comfort. Do we come here to these palaces of sustenance because they're all we've got. They contain everything we need to live. They feast on our need. I don't know. There was something in it all that made me think about what we're doing here. You know, rounding these people up,

giving them a trade they never asked for, giving a life they'll never escape from until they can dump it onto the next poor, unsuspecting idiot. But you can be a ghost in your own skin. Why not take a fresh start, you know? Why not fight back against the palace? I was banned from the serials aisle after that.

Jeff finally put his pathetic little foot down and I was relegated to fruit and veg. But I never stopped thinking about it. Is there a way to break him out? Is there a way to stop those wheatos going down those trousers? Can we change ourselves? Or does it take someone else seeing our endless loop? To fucking hell there's one! Careful, Jesus Christ, you're not supposed to fucking hit them! I didn't, I didn't, oh my God. It's alright, it's alright, it's running into the darkness, keep going.

I don't want to keep going. I know they're powerful. That's what happens if you force them to drink nothing but milk and push their bones down to be little children's bones. But they can't outlast a car. We need to get them back. Look, if we just let him go... Let him go? We don't create milk boys to let them go. We create them so they can fulfil their destiny. I've been inside Big Aster. Don't you understand? They want it all. Milk is for a doorstep, not a refrigerated shelf.

It's up to us to take a stand. It's up to us to create milk soldiers and fight. We put a bottle in their hands and we give them a life. And then those boys, those lovely boys, become milk men. There's only milk. It's just milk. Ha ha ha ha! The call sounds, the messages are heard, and those who hear it have no choice but to join the milk boys.

I don't understand. I don't understand. There, faster, faster. I'm trying. Don't let the rain stop us. Wait, it's in here. Keep your eyes clean. It's raining.

In here. We have to stop. It's just bad life, you know. But it's not water. Oh god, it's not water. It's not water, it's milk. It's rotting. Oh god.

Oh god, please. If you're stuck in a rut. I can't see. I can't see where we're going. I'll turn up the sound, that'll help. If you're stuck in a rock. I can't see, I can't see where we're going. I'll turn up the sound, that'll help. No, that's not why. Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy.

I can hear it. And then plunking bottles. The time around the next, he can't run forever. Oh, the radio, that voice, that's what started all this. Please, I, I, there he is. Chase him down. Ah! Ah! Let's chase him down!

Amy? Amy? Ames? Are you... Sorry, I must have dozed off or had a weird nap or something. Err... Amy? Are you still coming to the shop? Hello? What are you doing here?

I'm sorry, what... What do you mean? This... This is my house. What are you doing here? Gosh, there are what... what do you mean? This... this is my house. What are you doing here? Gosh, there are supposed to be some kind of mix-up. I think we're all good for Mil, can't we, Zoe? Wha... don't say my name to me! Er... Amy! Amy! There's no need to do this.

Get out of my house! Zoe, I'm here, don't worry. Oh, thank God. Amy, help me. Th-th-th-this man, he... Oh, that's a bit harsh, though. Come on. This man? What's a bit harsh though. Come on. This man? What are you talking about? Amy, you're being very kind, but this really is my fault.

I should have asked you to get your things and get out a while ago now. I just... I was too much of a coward. I was just trapped, you know? Where's your little hat gone? Don't know what you're talking about. Where are the bottles? Oh, yes, of course. Wouldn't want to send you out there without them. Amy. I'm sorry, Zoe, but, like, you guys aren't even going out anymore.

It's weird, you know. No fans. But, but, but, like, I don't mind having you here or anything, it's just like, it's time, you know. We all need to get out of our weird little loop. Wait. Oh, and of course, this. But this isn't mine. I never played this.

Keep it up, won't you? You're really getting somewhere. Get inside, love, you're freezing. Good to see you, Zerry. Oh, Amy! Amy! Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Thanks for the life, darling. I've been so tired. You'll know all about that soon enough. You can't just take my life!

I did nothing, sweetheart. You're the one who made the call. Now the tiny car's on its way. Don't try to run. They can always hear the clanking. No! No! No! No! Someone has to... Wait... Hello! And welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network Podcast. The number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. I'm sorry to say that all our operators are busy at present

churning, skimming and wrestling with the autumn calves. But if you have questions, please leave. You have to leave. What? If you're listening to this, the Great Milk Call has been passed to you. No. And none may deny its power. Say farewell to your loved ones, begin your great drinking.

The First Awakens and the milk life is yours from now on. You're a milk boy now. And one day, you will become a man. A man. Hello there! In you get. Welcome to the rest of your life. Brought to you by delivering milk around the local area

and running, screaming into the night. I'll be better. I promise. I'll gow this rut and I'll... Oh, don't worry about all that. It's behind you now. But I don't want to be lonely. You won't be lonely. Not with that splendid thing.

Yes. Yes, of course. You're never alone with a trombone, as they say. You'll need accompaniment, of course. You're never alone with a trombone, as they say. You'll need accompaniment, of course. So that's all we've got time for this month. That was the Beef and Dairy Network Halloween special. Let's go. I'm going to go to the bathroom. In Milky Man, Natasha Hodgson played Zoe, Stevie Martin played Amy, Daniel Rigby played the milkman, Amy Gledhill played the woman in the car, and I played the host of the Beef and Dairy Network.

It was written by Natasha Hodgson and it was edited and sound designed by Andy Goddard. Hello, Ben here. This episode is the first one that's written in its entirety by somebody else that isn't me, and I wanted to do something for Halloween and I knew Natasha would do a really good job. I'm a huge fan of hers and if you enjoyed this episode please do check out a podcast that she made along with producer Andy Goldard who worked on this. It's called The Sink colon a sleep aid. That's The Sink colon a sleep. And you can find it as they say, wherever you get your podcasts. It's only six episodes. They're quite short. And it's one of my favorite ever podcasts. It's really good if you like kind of creepy stuff, creepy, weirdy stuff.

It's so good. So yeah, that's a big recommendation from me. Thanks for listening. Bye. What's up people of the world? It's Mark and Hal. And we got this with Mark and Hal. The Bye! and a ton of fun. Yeah, we've got guests coming back from the entire 500 episode run of our show. Some of your favorite Max Fun stars, some of your favorite regular out in other places in the world stars too, some really fun surprises, and every single one of them had a topic for us to cover. You can listen to it right now on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hello, sleepyheads. Sleeping with celebrities is your podcast pillow pal. We talked remarkable people about unremarkable topics, all to help you slow down your brain and drift off to sleep. For instance, the remarkable actor Alan Tudyk, you hand somebody a yardstick after they've shopped at your general store. The store's name is constantly in your heart because yardsticks become part of the family.

Sleeping with Celebrities, hosted by me, John Moe, on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Night night. Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows, supported directly by you.