Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 12 - Timothy Van Lindqvist & Paul Paul

Episode Date: June 19, 2016

Tom Crowley joins in this month as we hear about how Timothy Van Lindqvist lost his cow. We also premiere a new track from Paul Paul to celebrate the announcement of his first major tour of the USA. By Benjamin Partridge and Tom Crowley with thanks to Rhodri Viney. Music: “Butter Making” Lyrics by Benjamin Partridge, music written and performed by Rhodri Viney. "Eventide: Nocturne", "Eventide: Reverie" and "Eventide: Remembrance" by Roman Benedict. Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Graze-X, the latest grass replacement pellet from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Last month, Graze-X won gold at the International Animal Feud Awards in Las Vegas, overcoming strong competition from premium sorghum groats, Canada Slow Meal, and old Mr. McGiverty's home-cranked poultry nuts. To celebrate, this month only, claim your free promotional sack by wearing gold to our secret headquarters.

Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine, brought to you by Grey's Ex. On the podcast this month, we tell you how you could be in with a chance of winning tickets to see singer Paul Paul on tour. But first, we came across a very troubling post on the network web forum this week by a Timothy Van Lengquist who wrote movingly about how he had lost his cow. We went to his home in North London to hear his story. Hello, my name's Timothy Van Lengquist, and I've... I've lost my cow. Oh, my! I'm an opera singer

I sing bass baritone I've been a professional opera singer all my working life I've done a few higher profile gigs you probably remember there was a comedy double act Cheese and Onion I've been a professional opera singer all my working life. I've done a few higher-profile gigs. You probably remember. There was a comedy double act, Cheese and Onion, very funny, on television about ten years ago.

This is, obviously, this is before Sid Onion went to prison in Turkey. They hosted a big show-stopping gala performance at the Palladium, which was a charity benefit in aid of the Biafran National Front that was it. It was an amazing spectacle. Their closing number was a big Mozart inspired musical number and I was singing bass baritone. I was in the, I had pride of place actually

I was just behind cheese and they held it all back for the encore their big hit signature number. That was She'd Never Had Cheese and Onion Before, which they always used to close their TV show with. It was always, they'd knock out the door and she'd never had cheese and onion before. That one.

And on all of the posters and the flyers and the social media distribution was um a big selling point was a real live cow on the stage and everyone how it is with with the encore they get to the got in the mozart bit and then they bowed and left the stage and everyone was was screaming about where's the cow where's the cow and then of course they came out and she never course, they came out, and she'd never had cheese on you before. And then, so the whole, all the company from the Mozart number came back out. But now there was this beautiful cow, sort of noble. I remember looking over at the cow,

and it was quite something. And the cow, she looked back over at me, and I'm sure I remember a very definite look of respect from one performer to another, just that moment when you're really in sync with another performer in the moment on stage and it's a very special thing. So the number came to a close

and I remember there was some pyrotechnics and the cow did a walk around in a circle, and that was actually what got us our second standing ovation. I really didn't think that much about it until I was on the tube home and I noticed that the cow was there. She was sitting in the seat next to me, actually. And we just sort of wandered home together and I thought, well, this is clearly a lonely cow,

so I just let her in and she settled in very quickly and I set up the cow bed in the living room. You can still see there. And there are lots of things I didn't know, like how you're supposed to feed them, how much do you feed them. Turns out cows really like Bombay mix. I always had this pang of guilt because I thought, well, whose cow was it?

Did it belong to Cheese and Onion and did they want her back? After a couple of months of the cow and I living together, I remember I phoned Les Cheese and I said, well, listen, I've got this cow here and I was really hoping he wouldn't want

her back because we had become very, I think it's fair to say, very've got this cow here. And I was really hoping he wouldn't want her back because we had become very, I think it's fair to say, very firm friends by that point. And Les, he said, listen, I haven't got time to talk about this. Sid's just been arrested in Turkey and that's the double act down the Esser shitter.

And don't ever effing telephone me, and that's the double act down the S-er, the shitter. And don't ever F-ing telephone me, ever F-ing again, C. And so that was it. I sort of took that as a legally binding adoption process, really. I remember the day very vividly. It was about a month ago. It started like any other day.

I rolled out of bed, put on my dressing gown and went through to make my morning coffee. So I just, same as always, clapped my hands and shouted, Hey, girl! Hey, girl! And nothing, no sign of her. And I went through and checked the cow bed. No sign of anything in the cow bed. And I remember once I'd woken up and it was quite funny actually. I'd woken up and she wasn't there either.

And I remember she'd gone down to the supermarket in the wee hours. Because she knows that's where they keep all the Bombay mix. And I got down there about 8am, I went in and there she was, uh, taking up most of the, the biscuits and snacks aisle, uh, having a go. She'd got into several of the bags, uh, and she'd been there grazing for, um, about 20 to 25 minutes by the time I got there and the staff were really flustered. Um, and I had to pay for all the for all the Bombay mix, of course. But I'm used to that now. But they understood in the end and I had to reverse her, which is quite difficult with a cow,

out of the snack aisle and out of the mini supermarket. And so I thought maybe that's happened again. Maybe she's just gone down to where they keep the Bombay mix. But there was no... She wasn't there and I just thought, I don't know. I don't know what to do. I didn't know where to look. Sorry, sorry.

I'm really sorry, I'm sorry. Do you want any Bombay mix? I've got loads. More from that report after the beef forecast. Across the west, a big area of high beef pressure will slowly fall off with midweek mints rearing its head by Wednesday. Lowlands and coastal areas will get patchy boneless loins, and northern parts will be spattered with low-quality offcuts and rennet blizzards. And the milk prices? Whole milk holding up with skims slipping against cream weighs all the way down on nine,

sour cream holds its value at 60 euros a barrel, and horse milk has slumped to an all-time low. They can't even give it away. Back to our feature on Timothy van Lengquist after this. Hey guys, this is Adam Conover. You may know me from my true TV show, Adam Ruins Everything. Timothy Van Lengquist, after this. of their work. Find Adam Ruins Everything wherever you get your podcasts or at MaximumFun.org. This is most days for me now, walking around the local area. I've been putting up some posters and also just keeping an eye out myself as well because you never know where she might turn up.

So here we are. Here's one. I'm just going to put one of these up. This is the poster here. And you can see, it's very simple. Have you seen this cow? And there's a phone number at the bottom. There's a photograph there. That's actually from the day we met. That's from the Palladium show.

And you can see here there's her. There's a bit of Les Cheese's elbow on the side there, and that there is the Princess Royal, who was presenting a large novelty cheque, you can just see there, for all the money we'd raised, and she's giving that to the man from the Biafran National Front. He's the one on the right of the image with the assault rifle. How many of these have you put up so far? Something in the region of 50,000 now, I think, in and around the local area. And have you had any phone calls?

No. It feels strangely wrong to use the word grieving when you don't know whether someone has passed away, but grieving is it's the only word i can really think to use to describe i'm sorry one one second one second i have to i'm sorry hello yes yes that's me that's me You- Ah! Oh, sorry, sorry.

You have? You're sure? Are you sure it's her? Ah! Oh, sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, sorry, where was it? Where was it? Sorry. Yep. 33, yes. Yes, I'll be right there. I'll be right there.

Thank you, thank you so much. Thank- yeah, alright. Bye, thank you, thank you! They, uh, they think, they think, they think they found her. They think they found her. I've gotta go, I'm really sorry. Hurry up, we have to go, get your shoes, I'm thank you, thank you! They think they found her, they think they found her, I've got to go, I'm really sorry Hurry up, we have to go, get the shoes, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry! Okay, this looks like it 33 Maplewood Drive Door slightly ajar, they said just go straight in. I'm just

going to go straight in. OK. It's very dark. Hello? I'm here. Oh, God! Get up! Stop! Stop! Stop! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Uh, so... So, it's neither the cow nor the whale inside. Um... It's outside the county where inside, they just beat the shit out of me and stole my wallet and my watch. Could you take me to A&E please? my name's Timothy Van Lengquist and I still haven't found my cow. No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! Why? Good luck finding that cow, Tim. You're in our thoughts here at the network.

As, of course, is Sid Onion, who is still in prison in Turkey. May justice prevail. Free the Onion One. Now, after the huge success of his album released last year, Chun, this week folk troubadour and friend of the show Paul Paul announced a tour of restaurants across the USA. And you could be there, thanks to the good people at Meat Wheels, the USA's first biker bar-themed grill restaurant franchise. Spend over $20 on the children's menu

and get a free bandana and plastic flick knife for your little one. And remember, at Meat Wheels, there's a brawl on the hour, every hour. To be in with a chance of winning the tickets, all you need to do is send us a tweet to at Beef and Dairy with the hashtag BikerFace and a photograph of you doing your best impression of a biker. The sender of the best BikerFace will receive two tickets to a Paul Paul tour date of their choice, travel, accommodation in a two-star hotel and a free meal at Meat Wheels. When entering, please let us know your preferred tour location. Thank you. And for UK listeners who can't make it over to the States, he'll be playing the Little Chef at Barton Mills Services, northbound on the A11, on November 24th.

To celebrate his new partnership with Meatwheels, Paul Paul is releasing a new edition of his hit album Churn, featuring a new bonus track which he has allowed us to premiere here on the podcast. The track, called Buttermaking, continues the theme of Churn as it explores elements of his troubled childhood. Paul Paul was the son of a milkmaid, who was made pregnant by the rich farmer who owned the dairy where she worked. Soon after Paul Paul was born, it was announced that the dairy was to be shut down, and the young Paul Paul was left abandoned in a butter churn. So here's his brand new track, butter making.

Today, automation has taken much of the drudgery out of processing dairy products. But that means we require more and more highly skilled workers. Remember, the dairy industry is dynamic, always moving forward and always in search of improvement, never completely satisfied with the extent of its progress.

The dairy door is shut once more. None can enter, none can hide The Dairy Door whose iron locks Can't hold the things I feel inside Butter making, butter making A sacred dance of milk and movement. The children are shaking, the children are shaking for the little boy inside.

The butter sitting ripe and proud Ready for the knife's cruel blade Creamy white a virgin's bed Waiting for the crumbs mislaid Butter making, butter making Thank you. Butter making, butter making An ancient scheme of milk improvement My heart is breaking, my heart is breaking For I am but a poor butter boy Butter boy. Butter boy. and a big good luck with the tour from all of us here at the network. I've actually been to a Meat Wheels franchise restaurant myself in Turkey Rapids, Indiana,

and I must say the brawls they put on there truly are excellent. The actor playing the Hell's Angel who betrayed the wider gang in particular was wonderful. It was as if his neck had actually been broken by the pool cue. And the actors who arrived on the fake air ambulance were amazingly authentic too. So that's all we've got time for, but if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you can read all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we run through the big do's and don'ts when it comes to hiring a sorcerer. Until next time, beef out. hello benjamin partridge here now first things first um i'm very pleased to be able to tell you

about the first ever beef and dairy network live show um which is taking place at the london podcast festival in september um it's taking place at king's place which is at place at the London Podcast Festival in September. It's taking place at King's Place, which is at King's Cross. It's going to be on the 25th of September at half past six, and it costs £6.50. And you can get tickets from www.kingsplace.co.uk. And I dare say you'd get there even if you didn't put in the www. bit. I'm very excited about it. I'm not really sure exactly what it's going to be like,

but we're going to endeavour to make it fun. And it's a bit of an experiment, but if you're up for that, then please do come along. I've got 100 seats to fill, and my nightmare is that people come who don't really know the podcast at all, because I think they'll be baffled. So what I want is a nice audience of people who know their Les Cheese from their Sid Onion. So if that sounds good to you, please come along. Okay, now time to move on to thanks.

Thanks for all the people who helped with that episode. First of all, thanks to Tom Crowley for being such a good Timothy Van Lengquist. I also want to tell you that Tom is a principal cast member in a podcast sitcom series that came out last year called Wooden Overcoats. it's well worth checking out and at the moment they're

currently running a kickstarter to raise money to make a second series so do pay attention to that you can find them at woodenovercoats.com secondly thank you to rodger viney who wrote and performed the music for paul paul and in many ways is paul paul um thank you rodger he also made the new beef and dairy theme tune which i really like so Thank you, Rodri. He also made the new Beef and Dairy theme tune, which I really like. So thanks for that again, Rodri. Also, the music I used in the Timothy Van Lenkwist section is by a composer called Roman Benedict, and it's from a really good album called Dusk and Dawn, which you can buy from his website, which is romanbenedict.com. And I recommend you check that out. And finally to you you for listening um and and i'm

saying that especially because since we joined maximum fun a couple of months ago um we've just picked up loads more listeners than we ever had before and it's been really really great um many of you are american i know and then other british and some australians as well and it's all really fun just to get messages from all over the place from people. Um, and you sent me funny little tweets and, um, a woman in America sent me a photograph of her pet deer. I mean, that absolutely was my highlight of 2016 so far. So do keep them coming. If anyone else has got a pet deer, um, do send a photo. There's no excuse not to. Um, and it's just been great. So thank you so much for listening. And we've also got lots of nice itunes reviews they've been popping up which is really good and they're really useful and if you haven't left one and you are a fan of the show please do please go to itunes

and leave us a nice review that would be gratefully received so um yes i will see you no i won't see you well i'll see a small number of you um but most of you I won't see. I will speak at you again next month. Bye! woman and you're a gay man and we're both black and now that we're here in the minority corner what should we talk about how about race gender and sexuality oh and we can gossip about celebrities and i can quiz you on pop culture oh and we can have guests we're gonna learn laugh and play you know that sounds a lot like blues clues Only it's more black, gay. And ladylike. Minority Corner with a K. Check us out.

Because the C was taken. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.