Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 121 - Lead and Beef

Episode Date: April 27, 2025

Cody Dahler joins in this month as we catch up with former scuba diver Nicholas Summers, who has emerged from his coma and started a new business venture.Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.comMusic credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com:Talking Woods / Guto LucenaUncharted Lands / Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen

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Order now and get 10% off your first bag of quails 2.0 by using the code ISTHATQUAILINSLOWMOTION and use the code QUAIL to get a free quail. Important, do not let the quails breed. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine, brought to you by Quails 2.0. And we should say thank you to Mitchell's, they've actually sent us over a bag of Quails 2.0, delivered here to the office, and they're lovely little things. Dafters are bag of spanners

and so slow. It's actually quite weird to watch a bird move that slowly. It's unholy, like God didn't intend this. Important, do not let the quails breed. So this month we caught up with professional scuba diver Nicholas Summers. We last spoke to Nicholas when he was working with Hollywood director James Cameron, diving down to the wreck of the Titanic and bringing back tins of beef left inside that stricken ship. You may remember that Nicholas opened one of the tins of beef here on the show and ate

the contents. Just gonna finish taking the lid off and... Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah! The canned beef was absolutely crawling with parasites. But it wasn't all good news. It was also full of high levels of lead, and it was this lead content that sent Nicholas into a deep coma. Well, the good news is that not only has he come round from the coma, he's starting a

new business, Spherical Horizons, the Nicholas Sommers Lead and Beef Ass Company. To find out more, I spoke to him earlier this week. Hello, I'm Nicholas Sommers, former scuba diver and now proprietor and sole investor for Spherical Horizons, the Nicholas Summers Lead and Beef Arse Company. Nicholas, thank you so much for speaking with me today. Obviously, when we last spoke to you, I was in the room as you ate some very, very old tinned beef that you'd brought up

from the Titanic. It turned out, what we didn't know at the time was that that was actually so full of lead, that old meat, that you went into a coma? Yes, that's right. I've just spent four months in the ICU where my body has been processing the ingestion of the high amount of lead that I ate via the beef, which sounds like it would be a horrible thing, but actually it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Wow. Wow. Okay. Well, we'll get on to that part of things in a moment. First of all, just tell me about exactly what had happened to you, medically speaking. I had actually ingested, it turns out, 3.7 billion times more than is kind of acceptable medically. And I'm sure, you know, listeners will know lead is quite heavy.

So over the course of my stay in the ICU, gradually the lead was kind of settling towards the sort of lower end of my body. I was lying down. So over the course of the four months I was there, ultimately all of the lead collected in my arse region. And that, to use the medical term, gave you the dump truck ass, I believe. Dump truck ass, that's right. A perfect medical example of a dump truck ass. If you're unfamiliar with the concept of a dump truck ass, it is an ass that is so

big that it should beep when it reverses. A real back-end bulldozer. Honk honk honk if you're thick, get on board the wobble wagon. We're going to the danger zone donk donk. He got that beaver damn booty, watch out for the rumpopotamus. First of all, you know, when I came round in the ICU, I said, you know, what's kind of what's happened, what's going on. And the doctors were kind of, they were a bit flummoxed, you know, normally if it's bad news, they'll say, I'm afraid it's bad news. Or if it's good news, they'll say great news.

Do you know what I mean? There's a tonal difference. And in this case, there was kind of a confusion because they didn't know how I'd react to having a perfect dump truck ass. So in the end, it kind of ended up sounding negative and positive at the same time. So that sort of confused me more. So the doctor was like, I'm afraid we've got possibly good, but awful, dreadful news. And that's really rare for a medical condition. It's normally fairly clear cut, isn't it? Exactly. And it continued, you know, he said, we've looked at your results and they are

appallingly good. Interesting. Okay. You see? And so the whole time I'm sort of, I'm just coming around. It's a bit, you know, I'm kind of feeling a bit overwhelmed. And you know, I'm saying, doctor, doctor, tell me straight. And he's saying, Mr. Summers, this is the worst case of a perfect set of jiggly hands that we've ever seen. And I'm saying, well, what, what, what are you, what are you talking about? It says it's honestly, Mr. Summers, I'd sooner, I'd prefer you not to think about it because I don't know how

you'll, you'll react. This is both the most positive thing that will happen to you in this dreadful set of circumstances. And it continued like this. And at one point, I looked at a nurse who had tears in her eyes and she's kind of lent down towards me in a really sorrowful manner, I'd describe. She put her hand on my shoulder and said, I'm terribly sorry, but you unfortunately now have the perfect wagon. Yeah. Okay. Cause you're dragging the perfect party wagon. Exactly. I'm dragging the perfect wagon precisely. And then, you know, when I thought I couldn't get any more confused, they brought in a priest and you know, he's holding the Bible. He's

got a cross in his hand. He's that's tends to be bad news. Extremely bad news. Exactly. But much like the nurses, this priest was grinning. And I thought that there's something not right. Is this good news or bad news? And was he reading you the last rites? Last rites, absolutely. He was singing me the last rites, which again is confusing. Normally it's said in a very sombre way. He had a fantastic baritone. He's belting it out. And then the doctors

and the nurses are starting to join in. They're doing backing vocals. And I thought, I can't glean from these set of circumstances what is happening. And then he starts throwing holy water around the room, but it's in a water gun. Do you know what I mean? It also fun and lighthearted. Very puzzling. Very puzzling. By the way, did I mention that the priest is also wearing one of those Carmen Miranda fruit hats? So there's kind of, yes, like bananas, exotic fruits. And a very confusing vibe. Extremely confusing. And then the priest did the splits.

Hmm. Now, now obviously that all sounds pretty traumatic. I mean, you, throughout all this, nevertheless, you have got, you know, a great pair of runaway hippos around the back and you have actually described this as the best thing that ever happened to you. And we'll come onto that in a moment, but at that time, did you realize it was going to be a positive thing? No, no, I, I, I didn't, you know, like you say, I'm sat there in bed with a tightly packed

pair of Belarusian cheese farmers wondering, you know, should I be grateful for these curvy crouching tigers or not? And they'd actually, the hospital staff had actually wheeled in a mirror, which they'd propped against the wall. And I looked fantastic. I just filled out that hospital gown. I did look pretty, pretty hot. And it was as I sort of leaned around to touch it that my heart sank slightly. Because as my, as my fingers, you know, reached touchdown on my, my spammy cray twins, I felt how hard and how cold it was. Of course, because of the lead.

And at that moment, you know, the doctor came in and he saw me, he saw me sort of caressing my Dr. Doodle one and two. And he said, you know, Nicholas, what's the matter? And I explained, you know, I feel kind of conflicted doctor, you know, I look great, but I don't feel great. I was like, is there anything you can do to make my Tweedle D and Tweedle dump truck ass feel better? But he was explaining, you know, with NHS cuts and there's just not enough money going around and not enough research that the best remedy that the NHS had come up with is providing patients with a live, laugh, love cushion, which you could kind of duct tape onto your own meaty pillows. And that didn't feel like a sensible solution. It would interfere with the shape of my ass.

Of course. Yeah. I mean, yeah. And that's, it feels like a very rudimentary solution there. You know, that's not because it's as it's giving with one hand and that it's making it soft. But as you say, it's totally destroying the shape of that, you know, of Mount Tushmore and you want to retain that somehow, right? Absolutely. And so I said to the doctor, I was like, come on, surely not. We've, I've been blessed here with a perfectly shaped twin millennium dome setup. You can't be spoiling that. And that's when he leaned in and he said, I'm not really allowed to, to kind of, to tell you about this because it's not, it's not technically legal, but

there's a procedure that you can have done. He knows a guy who could do it. 5,000 pounds all in. It could be done in six weeks. I could wake up. Not only would I have a perfect looking dump truck ass, I'd have the perfect feeling dump truck ass. Now the procedure is a revolutionary thing.

And this takes us nicely onto what you're doing with your business because I believe it's this very procedure that your business is Able to offer people in a nutshell. What is it that they did to that fine? Relief map of the Dolomites you've got back there to make it feel like a true ass Well, I was I was surprised by When I was allowed to leave hospital and I was put in contact with this with this my doctor's doctor's friend who would perform the procedure, I was surprised to actually discover he wasn't a doctor, he was a cattle farmer. The procedure in a way is actually incredibly simple. Over the course of six weeks, they would essentially pipe in hot mince, prime beef mince, imagine

like a kind of reverse liposuction, but with premium mince. Okay, yeah. I'm too old! Now, the fact that you couldn't get the British National Health Service to fire ground beef into your arse region is actually a legal issue, right? It's because that would be actually illegal for them to do under the current legal system. Yes, that's right. It's an obscure law, I believe, that suggests, or rather states, that beef can only be produced to be consumed, not for cosmetic reasons. And so this is kind of why I had this brainwave because you'd think there's no getting around that. Then I thought, well, okay, so if you can't provide this procedure on land, perhaps

the only place you can perform the procedure is in international waters. Okay, very clever. You know, as you and your listeners will remember, I'm a scuba diver. Well, sorry, was a scuba diver. Try and get my ass into a wetsuit now. And so I thought, well, hang on, I'm perfectly placed. I know people with boats.

I know people with scuba equipment. you know, if you get to get people out there into international waters. So I immediately called up Jose, who was my old, he used to drive the dive boat that we'd take divers out with. And he was, he was, he was well up for it. You know, I said, listen, Jose, don't ask any questions, but I've got a dump truck ass, it's been piped with hot mints. And we're going to do this to as many people as we can, because I feel incredible.

He didn't ask any questions. I'm not sure he understood actually. He doesn't say much, so I'm not sure if he speaks English. But anyway, head down to the harbor. He starts revving up the propellers of the dive boat. We go and scout out a spot in international waters, find the perfect place and that's where Spherical Horizons, the Nicholas Summers-Ledon B-Fast Company was formed. Hey, please, please, you need to help me. How does this differ from, you know, we hear about the Brazilian butt lift. You know, the Brazilians have really made that a sort of national industry really. So what do you say to people who say, I don't need this lead and beef situation, I can just go to Sao Paulo and get myself a Brazilian ass.

How long is that Brazilian ass lasting? Do you know the answer to that question? No. No one does. Some Brazilian asses will last months, some will last years, sure. But the one thing that is going to last forever is an alloy of lead and beef mints. A lead beef ass is outlasting you. I want to live in a world where in thousands of years time, historians, archaeologists will be unearthing coffins and bodies and the remains of our generation. And they're going to see the bones won't be there, but the perfect dump truck ass will be. That is going to survive. And when the whole planet goes to shit, the one thing that's still going to be there is

that lead beef dump truck ass. And that's a Nicholas Sommers promise. So it's really that durable that in a kind of apocalypse event, all that might be left is what do they say, cockroaches and a leaden beef ass? Yes, that's right. I think what I would say, you know, it's incredibly durable, but when heated to a certain temperature, there have been reports. You know, we've not really investigated it. I kind of, I deny them. I don't think they're true. I think they're kind of, you know, we've not really investigated it. I kind of, I deny them. I don't think

they're true. I think they're kind of, you know, rumours whipped up by the Brazilian butt lift industry. It's a very, very powerful lobby to discredit the lead and beef ass. And those rumours are that if you heat up the lead and beef ass to a certain temperature, it will explode. And so, you know, there are stories of people who have passed and they have a lead beef dump truck ass, they're cremated. As soon as they go into the furnace, they take out the whole town. Those rumours haven't been verified. As far as I'm aware, the Brazilian butt lift lobby haven't provided much evidence. But I would say that if you have had the procedure done, don't stand with your back too close to a radiator.

Okay, and kind of heated seats in a car, maybe? Yeah, turn those off, you know, candles. I'd say, you know, the heat from the sun between the hours of about 5.30am to probably about 9pm, just to be safe. So So how popular is Spherical Horizons, the Nicholas Summers lead and B-Fast company? How many procedures are you doing, for example, on a weekly basis? Well, I mean, you know, it's like any new technology. I think, you know, it takes a while to take a hold in society for people to hear about it. We are very much based in international waters. It's quite hard to get Wi-Fi out there.

A lot of our business is through word of mouth. Again, we're in international waters so that word of mouth is mainly through the mouth of oil rigors, cargo sailors, elderly yachtsmen trying to sail across the world because they've just got divorced. They're not exactly our prime audience. So we haven't done as many procedures as I would have liked. But it's early days. Just a number was suffice. how many times have you done a procedure and someone, how many times, how many times have I done the procedure? Oh, um, hundreds, hundreds of times I have done the procedure.

Okay. So you had hundreds of customers, you've had hundreds of customers. Uh, well, that's a slightly different, that's slightly different framing the question we have, I have conducted the procedure hundreds of times. Sorry, I'm just picking up, this is a bit weird. You're being a bit cagey about this. I'm not really sure why you've done that. You've done hundreds of these procedures. Yes. Well, we, so I've done the procedure hundreds of times on Jose. done the procedure hundreds of times on Jose because as I mentioned, its footfall has been low. It's the sort of procedure you need to do often, regularly in order to keep it

fresh in the mind. Also, the beef mince does go off. It's a fair distance where we're based to the nearest bit of land in order to stock up on the mince. So in the end, Jose has had hundreds of lead beef ass procedures. Will Barron How's he looking as a result of this? Well, you know, he's got a fair sized pair of premium Lunchables on him, taking up a lot of room on the boat. That guy's got a porch. He's got a hefty porch, yeah. And you know, inadvertently, as a result of having this procedure done to him over and

over again, his arse acted as a billboard. And through that, we actually got our first customer who was an elderly yachtsman. Great. Okay. So it's not just Jose who's had the procedure. We've also had... We've had another...

Customers, proper customers. Yes. We've had customers. Great. And tell me about how that went then. I guess he's your first member of the public who had the procedure. It was great. Yeah?

Yes. It was really everything. So is he pleased with it? Because you know, I don't know if an old man, I don't know how old he was, but I don't know if an old man is what people are picturing when they imagine someone getting their bum done. Well, exactly. I mean, this is kind of what we want to challenge. It's not just, you know, it's not for the young.

You can have it. People of all ages are welcome. But yeah, he's... So is he pleased? Is he pleased with it? Oh, absolutely. I would say it's, it's completely transformed his life. Totally.

Wow. Wow. So, um, in what way has it transformed his life? Well, um, well, it's transformed his life in quite a fundamental way. Um, because, you know, he's dead. Okay. He, so he died as a result of the procedure? Well, I think that's up for debate.

He died while I was piping molten lead and steaming hot beef into his ass region. Yes. I'd say it's up for debate whether that was the direct cause of his death. I mean, you know, he was having a, he was having a great time while I got the power hose. He was FaceTiming his ex-wife, shouting, you know, look what you could have had. Look what you could have had. Look what I'm having done. Look what you're missing out on. Okay. So that was a positive experience for him, perhaps? Yes. Yeah. The remaining sort of 12 to 13 seconds of his life was enjoyable, I believe.

Yes. So, okay. So you were left with a dead body in the middle of the sea. What do you just want? Do you just chuck it in or do you send it back to his ex-wife or what happened then? Well, out of respect, we put it in the yacht that he pulled up in. We just sort of slipped him back on there and we sort of, I guess, tried to do a kind of Viking burial type thing. You know, we popped him in his yacht, set fire to the sail, watched him float out. And about three minutes later, he completely exploded.

Huge, huge explosion. It was just, I mean, I felt like Oppenheimer. Because it was your fault. I mean, it was because that arse was going up by the sound of things. Well, that I think is up for debate. I don't, you know, we'd not searched his yacht. I don't know. He might've been carrying, I don't know, some kind of... He might've had a nuclear warhead. Is that what you're saying? Exactly. Yes. Precisely. He would have, at least a ballistic missile.

This explosion was good God. I mean, you would have been able to see it from space. Do you think it's plausible the idea that he's gone yachting with a missile? Yeah, you know, he was clearly very affected by his divorce and men deal with that in different ways. Some people get into cycling, other people decide to sail around the world in a yacht with a nuclear warhead. Will Barron And were you harmed by this huge explosion because you can't have been that far away?

Paul Matz Well, thank goodness that I'd finished my 50th procedure on Jose because I was taking refuge behind his enormous arse. Were it not for that, I don't think I'd be here. José's arse provided a lot of shelter. I want a huge pump, a huge pump, huge pump. Okay, so it's fair to say that sales aren't necessarily roaring for you. Do you have any plans for how you could maybe turn the business around and get, you know, obviously this podcast interview will help, but have you got any plans of how you can get this into the public imagination and get them signing up to have hot beef and lead pumped into their arse? I have got an ace up my sleeve, which is of course my good friend, James Cameron. And

of course, he's of course working on, you know, he's a magician when it comes to CGI and filmmaking. And he's most recently been working on the third Avatar film. And so I'm in discussions with James. I don't want to give too much information because, you know, nothing's been agreed yet, but I'm very, very close to persuading James to CGI dump truck asses onto the blue Navi people. Wow. And that would be huge. I mean, obviously possible. We've seen it with Pixar. They've done so much to promote the dump truck ass. And to put that then into the context of Avatar. Now, we've talked before in this podcast about the cultural power of Avatar. Humans are mimetic creatures, right? We like to imitate what we see. Every human being in the world is going to be watching Avatar 3, give or take,

right? That could have a huge, huge impact. Because of course, with Avatar 1 and 2, people went out and wanted to emulate those characters, their heroes. You know, people tried to ride around on the back of a kind of flying horse snake. It wasn't possible, but people tried. Absolutely. And I think what will happen here is they'll see those jump truck asses and they'll say, I want to do that, but hang on, it's not possible. And you're here to say, it is possible.

It absolutely is possible. And you know, as well as, you know, the film being shown to every single person in the world, once James, once I have convinced James, we've got the infrastructure ready to get a minibus outside every single cinema on the planet. So that when those people see those dump truck asses on screen, they think, you know, as you said, you know, previously, they've been like, how do I ride a flying horse? Now they're going to come out the theater screen. They think, as you said, previously they've been like, how do I ride a flying horse? Now they're going to come out the theater screen, how do I get a dump truck ass like that? Hello, I'll be there with Jose. We're ready to go. Get in the minibus, head down

to the harbor, get the propellers on the boats going. Jose's behind the wheel, everyone get on please, no naked flames, put that cigarette out, please, absolutely no heat on the boat. But like I said, 12 minutes for a procedure, that's all it takes. Just let's, we've got a conveyor belt. I can see it now. I reckon within four to five months, 30% of the global population will have a lead beef dump truck ass and the Brazilian butt lift lobby will be blown clean out of the water, just like the old yachtsmen who not related to the dump truck ass. But if you think that was a big explosion, wait until the

Brazilian butt lift lobby goes up in flames. Well, Nicholas Sommers, thank you so much for the interview. It's been really interesting and I wish you all the best with your new business. I'm sure things will pick up and a potential exciting future, I think, for you. So, yeah, great to speak to you. Well, thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I did just before the interview ended, I did want to ask you if you'd like to have the procedure done. I'd be delighted to perform it myself. Oh, I don't.

Totally free of charge. I don't know, Nick. Totally free of charge. It's just as a gesture for providing this platform for us to spread the word about the lead and beef arse. That's very kind of you, Nicholas. That is kind of you, but I'm afraid I can't accept. No! Actually, it's really, yes, I can't be seen to be taking freebies. Obviously, it's a journalistic ethics issue, really.

We're friends. Forget the ethics. Let's just do it as friends. It's not related to this, then. I'd just love to get you down at harbour. I'll get Jose to come round. We'll pop you on the boat. We'll get that dump truck ass on you. It's attractive though that is, Nicholas. I'm not great on a boat. That's the thing. I'm not, you know, I get a little bit, I'm a landlubber. We'll figure something out. You know, we can kind of, we can make sure the boat is steady. No, come on. Let's, it'll be great. Please. I just really don't, I just don't. I just really don't want the procedure actually.

Please. I would just have the procedure. Please. Nobody is having this thing done. Do you know how much money I have plowed into this business? Lead costs a fortune. Lead and mints is going up. Please just let me do it free of charge. The man, the man's family that we blew up are suing. Okay. Look, I didn't want to break, they are suing my ass. Do you understand? My dump truck ass, they are suing. And they think that I was responsible for exploding him. It's not. There's no proof that the dump truck ass has any connection whatsoever to Richter scale level explosions. Just have it done. It sounds like a sufficient proof to be honest.

Free. Just do it now. I will do it personally. Wherever you are, I'll send an Uber, get you down. Please, please, I need this. Jose is a monster monster what I've done to him is Unbelievable, he's a freak of nature his ass is Enormous, it's just too big. It's too big 50 procedures is too many. I cannot do it to him again I will never forgive myself for what I did to him He doesn't even know what's happening. I'm trying to calm him down, but he just doesn't understand any English.

What's happened to him? It's a disgrace. I need to be stopped. Nicholas, please send the Navy torpedo the ship. I don't think this has to end. Please. I need to be sunk. I need to be sunk to the bottom of the ocean! May my leaden arse pull me to the bottom of the sea!

Nicholas Summers, thank you very much. Yep, thanks very much. It's been an absolute pleasure. A big thanks to Nicholas Summers for that interview. And if you want a spherical horizons and Nicholas Summers' lead and beef ass company ass, simply sail out of the Irish port of Galway, chart a course west towards the Azores, and you should see his boat, just look for the man with the giant ass. And I'm informed for some reason it lights up at night. Speaking of the man with the giant ass, I also got a chance to speak briefly with Jose. Jose?

You're not going out to my scarny! Jose, can you hear me? I just don't want my toys! Jose! My scarny! Jose, put a fuck in it! My scarny! Do you want a big round arse or not? Si!

Jose? Strange guy. So, that's all we've got time for this month, but if you're after more beef and dairy Jose? Strange guy. So that's all we've got time for this month, but if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now, where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section where this month we ask, how do planes work? What was going on there? The wings don't even flap?

Like seriously, something's not on, something's not right there. Do you know what I mean? So until next time, beef out! Thanks to Cody Darla and Riccardo V. And this is a big recommendation from me. You should definitely check out Cody's podcast. It's called The Truth, brackets in my opinion. The brackets are brackets, it's not the word brackets. It's a really, really excellent comedy about the news podcast. And I don't miss an episode. So that's my little tip for you this week. If you like too many podcasts, you'll love Soundteap with John Luke Roberts. It's got

clips from all your favourite podcasts such as Diary of a Tiny CEO, Leonard Sprague, Tell Me How You Make Your Money, I Go to the Beach and I Steal People's Towels, Remember Armour, I don't remember the trend of everyone whacking themselves on the head with hammers and mallets when they wanted to lose weight. And Eltyjom's Lobbily Songs I'm here today with Kiki Dee. Hello Kiki Dee. Hello Elton. There's dozens of episodes to catch up on and brand new episodes going out right now.

So if you want far, far, far too many podcasts, then look for Soundteap on Maximum Fun. Boop boop. All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show. Let's learn everything. So let's do a quick progress check. Have we learned about quantum physics? Yes, episode 59. We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we? Yes, we have. Same episode, actually. Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of gossip yet, have we? Yes, we have. Same episode, actually. Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64. So how close are we to learning everything? Bad news, we still haven't learned everything yet. We're ruined! No, no, no, it's good news as well. There is still a lot to learn. Woohoo! I'm Dr Ella Hubber. I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper. And on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too. And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode. Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun. Maximum Fun. A workaround network. Of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.