Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 122 - The Great Big British Toddler Teardown Live

Episode Date: May 19, 2025

Chris Cantrill, Greig Johnson, Amy Gledhill, Rob Gilroy and Amy Mason join in this week as we hear from formers darts champion Kenny Baritone about an event he is planning in Doncaster.Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.comMusic credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com:Streets Of Wonder / Marc TorchTrollmors Vaggsang (String Quartet Version) / TraditionalUti Var Hage / TraditionalLovely Is The Earth / TraditionalTrollmors Vaggsang (Violin Version) / Traditional

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as the printed magazine, brought to you by Quails 2.0. Now, this month we catch up with former Darts star Kenny Baratone, who is of course the father of the medical mega baby, Talbot. You may remember that Talbot's mother, Yvonne, drank so much cow's milk during her pregnancy that he was born a mega baby, which is a medical definition given to any baby over 9ft tall. Of course, Talbot is no longer a baby and is now a toddler, but the medical definition is still mega-baby. When he hits puberty, he'll become a gigatine, and when he turns 18, he'll simply be known as a massive bastard.

In recent years, to escape negative press attention that dogged Talbot after he had torn apart cows and horses across the British countryside, Kenny, Yvonne and Talbot had been living in Singapore, where Kenny had hoped they could make money by entering Talbot into the underground baby wrestling scene and also by vaping businessman sweat on the street in return for coins. However, I heard that Kenny had left Singapore and wondered what the future held for him and Yvonne and his gigantic baby. Hello, my name is Kenny Baratone. I am a former darts professional and father of Talbot. A very, very big toddler.

Hello Kenny, it's great to talk to you. It's been a while I think I last spoke to you in 2023, you're living out there in Singapore, but I believe you've left Singapore, is that right? Long story short, Singapore is a bust. If anybody's thinking about going to Singapore, my advice, don't. It's not what you think it's going to be. Does that make sense? Okay, interesting. Because when I spoke to you before, you seemed to see Singapore as a kind of land of opportunity for you and your family. Well, that was the plan, but it didn't work out like that. I admit to being perhaps a bit naive to the realities of what Singapore's like. In my head, it's not a place where you can wear, you know,

you know, like a wicker style, little hat, light floral linen shirt, you know, there's a guy, he can take you on a little tour. What's that? What do you want to see? A tiger. Tiger's totally out of its mind and you can, you know, go and have your picture taken with it. But that's not Singapore. Singapore is a very different place. Singapore is basically like a very hot canary wharf. Everyone's wearing suits. So just to be very clear, you're saying that in Singapore you can't go and see a drugged tiger? Well, I suppose money talks, doesn't it? And you know, if you've got enough money, but like they're not actively available. And I'll tell you, I've just been knocking on doors,

trying to find these tigers, but it took a long time for me to realize, no, they're not freely available. That said, it is a very business focused sort of country, Singapore, you know, and there's a lot of business that goes on there and if I know businessmen, they will be clamouring to get the picture taken with a dagger off its nut. So just to recap what your plan was really, your intention was that you'd move to Singapore, you'd be able to enter Talbot into the thriving underground baby wrestling scene that happens over there. And that also you'd be able to make money by vaping various fluids given to you by rich

businessmen. Yeah. So we went over there, wanted to find... The UK had largely become a bit of a closed shop to all Kenny Barrett and Talbot. you know, people were scared of Talbot. People weren't keen on Talbot. He was, yeah, he created a lot of fuss with the horses, you know, he started eating horses, consuming them, so we have to get out for a bit. But as I said, it wasn't, it didn't quite work out like I thought it would. It's not. The streets are not paved with gold in Singapore. But you did have some success, right?

So you started your own parenting podcast with Yvonne. Kenny and Yvonne's Bulls Eye Babies. That was going well. That was going brilliant. But officially we are on a hiatus. Hiatus from the podcast. Hiatus from the relationship. Oh Kenny, I'm sorry.

I had no idea. Sorry. I assumed you Kenny, I'm sorry. I had no idea. Sorry. I assumed you were, I assumed you were still with Yvonne. I will admit our relationship wasn't perfect. She had a child and the father was a cricket bat, you know, but it was okay. And then suddenly the podcast takes off.

Right. A parenting podcast, if you can believe such a thing, hot property. You see, what we did, we were talking about as real lives. We would talk about how it's actually fine for children to have 12 hours of screen time a day. It's actually good for them. So it found a market of quite frazzled parents that wanted to be told that we're doing good. The money came quickly after that. But then an unintended consequence of this brilliant opportunity was that Yvonne developed this like, I don't know, she, she talked.

Uh, she started talking, like looking after herself more and talking in a really sort of talking about what she wanted to do. He wasn't, do you understand? She went mad. Right. Well, yeah, I mean, it sounds like she, um, she finally got some self-esteem. Oh, why?

That's what they call it now, is it? Self-esteem. She might call it self-esteem, but you know what I call it now is it? Self-esteem. She might call it self-esteem, but you know what I call it? Kenny and Talbot at home, nothing to do, no food. What are we meant to do? What am I meant to do? So you feel abandoned then by a one? Did she leave Singapore then or where is she now? She's in the UK. She had an immediate opportunity that she couldn't ignore. She had to open a garden centre with Richard Osmond, do you know what I mean? So she left us. Left us

in Singapore. So you're left in Singapore, just you and your huge nine-foot toddler? She left me with diminished health too. I was bedridden. being one of Singapore's leading vapists. I was vapid too much and it affected me. I came down with a chronic case of popcorn lung. But as much as I was reliant on Yvonne, I actually decided to pull myself up and get my own life back in order. I cured the popcorn lung.

Oh yeah? Well, cause yeah, last time we spoke to you, you were on a daily basis coughing up hot butter, salt and sweet caramel. Yeah, that's all gone. I'm fully rejuvenated. I'm basically biologically 20 years younger. And you know how I did it? Well, no, I guess giving up the vaping and changing your diet. Yeah. The secret that they don't want you to know, what cures popcorn, mum.

More vaping. But you need to commit to the vaping. Do you know what I mean? And people say you can't vape that much. That's incorrect. You just need to treat it like a job. Do you know what I mean? 8.59, sit at your desk.

Nine o'clock, vape. Nine o'clock, vape, nine oh one, vape. Do you understand? Do you see where I'm going? And pretty soon the complete cost correction of popcorn lung. And here I am. The doctor said, you shouldn't be alive. I said, I am, or I'm going to live forever. He said, okay.

And then I crossed his palm with a few pennies. Right. And he said he didn't want them. He said the British pennies. I said, you see that, that lady on that two-piece? That's a queen, the queen of England. And that's when I realized I needed to come home. Yvonne left me because, you know, I was selfish. I was a selfish baby man looking after a giant baby toddler with a taste for horse mate. She needed me to step up. She left because she needed a real man.

And that real man is Richard Osmond? No, no, it's not Richard Osmond. If Richard Osmond was there right now, I'd probably come up to his hip once. I'd nut him on the hip. So just to be clear, has Yvonne left you for Richard Osmond? Oh, I know where he's. They're having a stay in an Airbnb because the garden sensor opening is very early. I looked it up. It's got a hot tub. You know what happens in a hot tub? You know what? A hot tub filters full of, don't you?

I have to say, I don't want to say it, but it's viscous, incredibly viscous. Now, one aspect to her leaving Singapore and leaving you there with Talbot is of course that she, I believe, was still very you there with Talbot is of course that she I believe was still very much breastfeeding Talbot on a daily basis. I know that he has a wider palate now, he loves to tear a horse in half and suck out the insides, but I think he was still on a baseline of a lot of Oun's milk. So how has Talbot reacted to that? Oh, true faces. Not the child that he once was. He can't wrestle in the underground baby wrestling league anymore. Alas, he is too weak. He's emaciated. He's bony and thin

and pale and he's completely translucent, which is cool. It's like, it is good to look at, but he's running at half-mast and I'm worried for him about the baseline of breast milk. There aren't any horses for him to eat. They don't have horses in Singapore. They haven't even heard of them. Is that right? If you say. Oh, do you want to see a horse tonight?

They're just like, what? What is he surviving on then now, if he's got neither horses nor Yvonne's sweet mother milk? Well the truth is, I've been trying to sustain him myself. Do you understand? Uh, well, what? Have you been buying breast milk online or? No, we haven't got the money to be buying breast milk online, you know, maybe for a treat every now and again, but we're shipping costs, international tariffs.

I'm not going to get into that. That's not for this, but there are, it is more expensive to ship breast milk around the world. That's undeniable. I've been, what I've been doing is I've struck upon a novel solution. What was that then? Well, basically I've been trying to activate some dormant glands in my own body. Okay.

So are we talking, are we talking about male lactation here? What we're talking about is stimulating the glands because people say that it's impossible for men to breastfeed, but I'd argue that they're just not trying enough. The constant stimulation and working at it, you know, you can get the glands going. And now I produce it, it come out, it's, it's coarse. It's, uh, It's like cottage cheese. It consists of, you know, for the first while, painful, painful lumps. Yes, it's lumpy. Yes, it stinks. But it's basically like, what's that magic, you know, like the stuff that the Queen Bee gives.

Sort of royal jelly, is that what it's called? Royal jelly. It's the Kenny's Royal Jelly. Have you had any medical input to this? You talked about your doctor who was maybe say surprised that you'd managed to kick your popcorn lung by vaping more. Is this something that you've done in conjunction with medical professionals? Well, I would say there's definitely a lot of interest from the medical community. There is a, like an academic from the university of Leicester that wants to write about me in a periodical, you know, he wants to, wants to put me in a periodical, he wants to put me on a little platform with wooden wheels on, and he

wants to like, wheel me around the country you know and surrounded by a velvet curtain and the curtain opens and there's a sign that says Kenny Baratone the world's first cisgendered lactated man Now you say you've got many troubles, but you are getting this interest in what you've been able to do with your tits. Is there no way of monetising that? We make a bit of money out of it. We work at this restaurant. It's in the Michelin book. It's as good as it gets. Me and Talbot are basically suspended in like a glass bauble. The diners sit all around and while they're eating top end stuff we're talking like, do

you know what I mean, oh what's this it's rhubarb and custard. Oh, but it's all deconstructed, do you know what I mean. The custard's a cube. Yeah, and the rhubarb's a gas. And the rhubarb's a gas. You know, they're having that level of culinary experience. But the chef, a wild card, you know, angry young lady, she's serving sausages. You haven't seen a sausage like this. It couldn have helped, but it's a tentacle inside. It's just like she's a visionary. And it's like the thing with great chefs as

well. She understands it's not just about the taste buds. It's not just about like the flavors and even the smells. It's like the visuals, they get to watch me and Talbot, it's about the audio. They sort of amplify the sounds of Talbot sucking on the tape. They're mixing it together with Chappell Rowan. You know, they're like, it's not like it's a, I would call it an assault on the senses, but that puts you in the perfect position to have a lovely cut of beef shitting. It's an exciting place. It's retro and it's modern. Right. I see. So you understand. It's Shakespeare on a hoverboard.

Sounds like a great restaurant. So you are getting paid to be in the bauble. She pays only pennies and she beats us. She whippeth our feet with canes. So the reason you're on the podcast today is you're here to promote an event that is happening later this year in Doncaster here in the UK. It's called the Great Big British Toddler Teardown Live. I don't have much information about it apart from it says here that it's £18.50 to attend for an adult ticket, although it's free entry if you take on Talbot. Yes, the Great Big British Toddler Teardown Live is a one-off event coming to Doncaster,

where basically what we're going to do is, anyone can have a go at trying to take down Talbot for a cash prize. Wow, okay. And that's anyone can have a go at trying to take down Talbot for a cash prize. Wow. Okay. And that's anyone can have a go? Anybody. It's an open call submission. Do you know what I mean?

It's like being the next Doctor Who or something like that. Anybody can have a go. So if we'll be having this, it's just in an old sports center in Doncaster in the middle of the ring. It's Talbot. And then you just, just get a number like what you used to get with meat counter and then when it's your turn in you get. But like I say, you know, he's slightly diminished so I'm focusing on getting him match ready,

getting him up to weight. You mentioned there's a cash prize there at the event. Do you get that if you manage to kill Talbot? Where does the cash prize come in? Full decapitation. That might sound extreme to people listening and thinking that's mad, but it's actually very lovely and farfuly. Because that is how much confidence I have in my son that he will not be bested by man or beast. Now, if anyone's listening and wants to try their hand, having a tilt at Talbot, how would they get involved? They will come to Doncaster when the moon appears red, you know, when it's a full moon

and it's sort of shimmering red, you know, like that. At the Sports Centre in Doncaster, and you just in there'll be a crowd everybody's wearing a robe that's just a visual sort of thing an idea I had you'll go into the ring you step in there and then it's one two three ding off comes the robe you go at Talbot with everything that you've got knowing Talbot he'll probably give you one for free. And then, you know, all I'll say is get your affairs in order. Well, yes, it sounds pretty dangerous for the competitors. Will there be medical attention there if they need it? It's a death match. Classic death match. Which isn't something that modern palates are used

to. But has actually been around much longer than not death matches. Do you know? If you actually study history, there's a lot of death matches in history. I see. So you're saying, if you look at the stretch of civilisation as a whole, if we compare, for example, death matches to a modern sport like badminton, the death matches is a much larger proportion of the history of civilisation than badminton, which has only been around since I think 1985. Badminton's like sort of Shakespeare or jazz, it's only for the person doing it, otherwise it's of no interest for anyone else to watch. If badminton was illegal, I think we'd all just forget about it.

Right. I think basically if the world stopped playing badminton, no one would ever start playing badminton again. Do you understand? That's quite complicated, but I think it makes a lot of sense. Yeah. And then you're saying that if the world got rid of death matches, which I think people are trying to do, that they would still come back.

Do you mean it's somehow deep in our collective consciousness? It's primal. It's genetic. People love to watch some mad stuff. Do you know what I mean? I see some mad stuff on the internet. Real horrible stuff. And it's not for everybody. But I think about it all the time and I love it. And rules-wise, is it always one-on-one? Or could, like for example, a scout troop try and take on Talbot or, you know, a group of local policemen? Well, it's basically anyone who wants to go versus Talbot. So if you're smart, if you've got that sort of brain, you understand you go into it in a partnership. It could be a scout troop. The important thing is you need to basically know that not everybody's getting out alive.

So if you've got two of you, one of you has to aggro Talbot to focus his attention, then the other one, I don't know, I'm not giving tips away, but maybe come at him with a chair, you know, covered in razor blades. So there's not many rules then, because you mentioned weapons there. So you could take a weapon into the arena if you wanted to? It's basically, you know me, I'm a free thinker. I do not want to tell people what to do. I am very much a staunch libertarian in that regard. You do what you want. Thus is the confidence in my progeny that I think even if you had a laser, he'd find a way. Do you

know what I mean? You get get through the flesh but we had his brain scanned. We're looking at six centimetres of bone and it's not like normal bone, this is like, you know like a rhino's horn, it's thick, impenetrable by lasers. So what, some guy from Doncaster, what a window cleaner from Doncaster, what's he going to do? Yeah, give him as many additional things as he wants. Because he is coming out of that ring in bits. He is dead. Interesting you mentioned lasers actually, because I'm looking at the press release and there's, before Talbot gets into the ring, there is an undercard, a kind of support act

so to speak, there's a few different things on there, including your chance to take on a Cyclops. And I'm assuming that's not just any old Cyclops, that must be your other son, the Cyclops, with his laser eye. Yeah, you've got the Cyclops. I brought the Cyclops back into the fold. The Cyclops was off, drifting away, do you know what I mean? Grown wary of human affairs, but I brought him back in. Do you know what I mean? I was like, we can fight. And he knows he could obliterate me with the eye immediately.

You know, like an atom bomb just with the eye. So he knows that I was safe. And at that point, it's the first time the Cyclops has ever called me dad, has ever said those words. So now the Cyclops is in the ring, you know, it's always, we do a bit of fun. It's a Cyclops versus seven cows. Oh, that's a tantalising prospect, isn't it? Your Cyclops Sun versus Seven Cows. God! I'm saying it out loud now. It is mad. But what a night of entertainment. And not just entertainment. I mean, for you guys, this is a family event, isn't it? It's a bonding

opportunity. I think a lot of fathers would sympathise with wanting to create these shared memories with their children. I've never been more proud of my son than when he's pulling the head and spine out of like a regional pub hard man, you know, someone who thinks he's sort of a cock in a walk, head fully out like in Predator, spine dangling. Do you know what I mean? And I saw Talbot use that spine like a mace. It's like whipping it around and used it to beat the man's own brother to death. And if that's not worth £18.50 a ticket, I don't know what is. Looking here at the press release, it then says at the bottom, and more. What's the more?

It's not just a fight, it's a full evening of entertainment. That's why it's so exciting. It's why it's such an opportunity for people to get tickets and come to Doncaster. We've actually got, I managed to get off the dark web, I've got these files, I've got an early prototype of Abba Voyage because it's like mostly just as good as Abba Voyage. They're there, they're in front of you, they look younger but the only thing is that in this one early version, version 1.0 you know Benny looks a lot older, he looks like he's a thousand years old, he looks like that guy who He looks like he's a thousand years old. He looks like that guy who drinks from that cup in the last crusade.

He's just burns and dust. Okay. But apart from that, apart from Benny being a thousand years old, it's basically exactly the same as going to Upper Voyage. Yeah. Well, I mean that and Bjorn is Michael Jackson. So you're getting more bang for your buck. It says here that kids go free. Is this an event that's appropriate for children?

It depends on how you're bringing up your littlies, to be honest with you, do you know what I mean? Like one of those middle-class families, maybe not. But if you are raising your children to say, fuck all time and watch violence, you know it is for the whole family it's just your parameters need you need to be clear on your parameters for family fun the weather hopefully won't spoil it's got to be kenny baratone's great big british toddler teardown live come on down or up to donkaster eastern east donkaster including the east riding of donkaster leisure and amenities hub Just outside Doncaster for big value big violence entertainment where the fun cannot be stopped

One ring one chance one massive implacable boy It's nine foot of inexplicably dense baby baritone bruiser versus you Yes You take a ticket and take your chances in the silly Billy smackdown that some visitors have already described as way, way beyond Thunderdome. Kids are free, apart from Tolbert who will be chained up inside the ring, and adult tickets are just £18.50, but there's no charge. If you'll fight this bloodthirsty boy... I can fight the bloodthirsty boy!

Yes, you can fight the bloodthirsty boy, and in the highly unlikely event of there being a winner, there's a big cash prize. Anybody can have a go. Anybody? Anybody can have a go. It's not just for drunk or foolhardy dads with something to prove. Nannas, kiddies, coach parties, any fighter, any number, any weapon can step up and throw down be it Queensbury rules or a right torrid jungle style monkey fight.

We're just not bothered. Are you not entertained? You aren't not entertained. Imagine David vs Goliath, but you're David and Goliath doesn't have any teeth yet and will almost certainly win. And instead of the Kingdom of Judah, you're near Doncaster. Doncaster. Doncaster, Doncaster, Doncaster. It's the fight of the century and talk of the town, but have no fear, the local coppers

do not object. They understand the beast must be fed. They've seen him. They know him. They know him. Behead the child to drive him wild! Come along and stand mano a bebe in your very own Doncaster death match. Yes, death match. We cannot over-emphasise the very real possibility

and or likelihood of actual bodily death. Will you decapitate Talbot? Probably not. Kill that boy. Yeah, good luck with that. That's Kenny Baratone's Great Big British Toddler Teardown Live! Doncaster East and East Doncaster, including the East Riding of Doncaster, Athleisure Centre, just off the A19,

between the Chipboard Furnitureland Outlet Roundabout and the Pet Crematorium and within sniffing distance of Marrowtech Rendering Plant. If there's grease in the air, you're almost there. At the Great Big British Charlette Air Down By. Now, we touched earlier on the fact that Singapore hasn't turned out the way you hoped it would. I'm interested that this event is taking place here in the UK. Does this mean that you are moving back to the UK? Is that your plan? It does indeed. The Singapore chapter of the baritones is over. I need to be reunited with the soil of Albion, the great rejuvenating soil of Albion. And mainly I need to go back because I need to win a von back.

I need her. And the truth is that Talbot needs her. He's withering away. He's getting paler and paler. He's getting more and more translucent. I'm worried when we were in the bauble the other day, I like touched his arm, you know, but my hand went inside of his arm, you know, like it was a jelly. And I'm worried he's becoming non-corporeal.

Wow. And the sooner we can get Talbot lashed back onto Yvonne's lovely teeth, then the sooner the bad atoms will be back at full health. So this is, I mean, obviously it sounds, the more you describe what's happening to Talbot, it sounds like he's becoming one of those kind of deep sea creatures they find when they go down in one of those James Cameron mini submarines, you know, and they find like, it's just like a big sort of tube made of jelly and it's just got a big cloaca on one end and one eye on the other end.

Yeah, he's wicked, but I don't think it's sustainable. No. So, but is your concern mainly for the health of your son Talbot or is there also a romantic element to you wanting to get back with Yvonne? Is it just because you need her milk or is there more to it than that? Does the idea of her in a hot tub with Richard Olsman, does that trouble you? You know, traditionally we practice a marriage where, you know, like love is free and love is everywhere. And you know, I've been free to pursue love in different forms outside of our marriage. But something's happened recently where we her increased self-confidence, she started looking for love elsewhere. And I don't like it that way around. I want it to stay where I get to do what

I want and she just stays at home. So yeah, what can I say? A bit of an old romantic. Mason Hickes Is your hope then that when Yvonne sees the Great Big British Toddler Teardown Live, she sees the posters up in the newsagent or whatever and she realises that you're back in the UK, that she will sort of snap into her senses and she'll be, I don't know, impressed maybe by what you're doing for your family? How do you hope to win her back? Tom. I think when Yvonne sees me with my new throbbing glands and Talbot back at full health, tearing idiots apart in Doncaster. She's got no choice but to take me back. The only milestone now is Talbot cannot let me down. We need to get him back to full health.

Now, you've described to me a sort of depleted version of Talbot. He's no longer that terrifying force that he was. He's now something more translucent. He's a kind of more marine life version of your son. And so do you not think that that maybe means that your confidence in him vis-a-vis beating all comers at this event might be misplaced? Is it not possible that he could be done in by, I don't know, a group of firemen or a bloke with a screwdriver? I have a plan. Okay, what's the plan? Well, I'm actually speaking to you from a cruise ship heading back to the UK over three months, which is the perfect time to work

on Talbot's constitution. You see, I've a job here. I'm the guy on the cruise ship that goes round and winks at all the retirees, you know, and says things like, oh, how you doing? Do you know what I mean? It's an important, crucial part of the cruise ship ecosystem. And what I've been doing is, you know, there's some old people there, and you know, old people are great, but some of them are like, you know, there's some old people there and you know, old people are great, but some of them are like, you know, they're not nice people. Like you can tell that nobody thinks about them or misses them. So with those people, I've been giving them a bit of a wink and I've been luring the occasional one down for what they think is a romantic interlude. But

you know, we get down into the bowels of the ship and they're surprised because there's Talbot and they never see it coming. A big hand comes out of the crate, grabs a pensioner, devours them whole. And on this diet of pensioners, I've started to see the return of muscle mass. So just to be clear, you're kind of duping them.

They think you're some kind of paid for escort that the Saga Holidays company have put on the ship as a kind of roving gigolo? It's kind of, it's part of the job of Saga Cruises. They cater largely to the older community, the Twilight veterans of this life, if you will. Part of that is that they employ several men to work the decks and provide, how shall we say, physical companionship to help ensure that people remain compliant. Because pensioners, they haven't got much on. Their worlds are smaller. They make lots of complaints.

So how do you sort of smooth over with that? Free sexual intercourse on tap. But every pensioner you're assigned to, you lead down to the lower decks, to the cargo hold. Not that many. I'm not getting greedy. I don't want to arouse suspicions. Who is nobody going to miss?

And that's when I feed them to Talbot. Okay, so on one of these saga cruises, there's a certain amount of expected wastage, so to speak, when it comes to the hold-day-maker. So you're just keeping it under that kind of barrier, right? Nobody's asking any questions. The children of these people are, to be honest, desperately waiting to get access to the money that's been locked up in Nana's house. Nobody's asking a question from the top of the tree to the bottom. Yeah, it works for everybody. And it's working. So Talbot is getting stronger, there's muscle mass there?

Well, I'll tell you this, I can't see through him anymore. Wow. Okay. He's not opaque. He's becoming solid. He's becoming rigid. He's coming back to life. And he's ready to kill. In Doncaster. At the Sports Centre. Tickets available online. Kenny Baratone's Great Big Witch's Toddler Teardown Live has it all. If there's a lull in the fracca, and he's gotta sleep sometime, we assume, why not warm up your grapples with unsupervised sea lion wrestling in the kiddie pool? Pop along to Squash Court 3 to see Chris and Christine Hodges' live, healthy Birds of Prey in limited flight. Or find brief respite with a demonstration of real Japanese kitchen knives

in the Dennis Thatcher Memorial Aromatherapy Room and Chillout Zone. But outside the party's just getting started! There's the harm for a police dog dancers, inadvisably fast ice sculpting from Frosty & Co, and free balloon weaponry for the under-fours in the all-ages family vape tent. And of course, heart-stopping live music from Sprigg House Brass Ensemble, Rod Stewart's cousins Rob and Bob Stewart, the Abba Voyage Holograms and an exclusive performance of Gilbert and Sullivan's Limmikado

from the laser-armed Android security guards who prevent the avatars from causing harm. Watch out for Benny! British chocolate teardown life Well Kenny, it's been great to talk to you. I wish you all the best with your event and I hope that Yvonne maybe listens to this and maybe begins to come round to what she's left behind. Evonne, if you are listening to this, I'm coming to get you. Don't be lured into that hot tub with Richard Osmond. Oh, and Richard Osmond, if you're listening to this and you think you've got what it takes, why don't you try and challenge Talbot? I'll set up the headline spot for you. Well, best of luck and hope to meet you again soon, Kenny. Thank you.

Thank you very much. ["Pomp and Circumstance"] Hello, my name is Jack Black, not that one. And I am a professional Philip Seymour Hoffman impersonator. It's got its ups and downs. A lot of people book me thinking I'm a Jack Black impersonator, and then they're quite surprised

when Philip Seymour Hoffman turns up. So if they are wanting Kung Fu Panda, they end up bitterly disappointed. Two weeks ago, I took my mother to the airport. I was waving her off on a flight to Singapore where she would then join a cruise back to Southampton. She wanted to do it for a number of years to celebrate VE Day. I don't still to this day understand why, but it's what she wanted so we packed the bunting and she went. I mean, she's only in her 70s. She wasn't alive during the war, so she's got no special attachment to it. Aside from the fact that her father was a top Nazi scientist, but it's something that she was very adamant about doing.

You know, it's been a tough few years for her. It was about 10 years ago that my father died choking on a lasagne. And since then, she's been very withdrawn and very reserved. She's been off Italian food for a long time. So this felt like a positive step. Hello, my name is Janet Bingham and I am a housewife. Last year was tough for mummy, big upheaval. She found out that daddy was having an affair with the mayor. Yeah, she found out because she was walking back from tennis up the drive and she heard the jangling of his chains against the radiator. And that was that. They were divorced swiftly and daddy moved into the mayor's official residence. This was a shock for mummy. It was hard. She was set

in her ways. I mean, she'd always had suspicions and you know, fine, she was accepting of that. But it was a lot. It was a lot. People talking about her and to help her get over it. We booked her on a cruise. We booked her on a cruise. I had a bit of money scrolled away and I thought why not? She deserved it. About a week into the cruise I get a call from her and she's in high spirits. They've just made landfall in Myanmar. She's found a hut that's selling rhinestone jackets and she was calling to say that she'd bought me one. I was glad for her. I was happy she was having a nice time and I said to her, how's it going?

And she couldn't talk about it in higher terms and she started giggling like a school girl. And I said, what is it, mum? And that's what she said, I've found love. She gave me a bell from Myanmar, I believe, and that's when she told me that she was liaising with a young gentleman called Kenny. She'd never known love like it, mental and physical.

She told me that she was in her slut era, and I was, you know, good for her, of course, but when it is your mummy and you can hear a younger gentleman slurping on her earlobes, you do think, enough's enough, mummy. So I asked her a bit more about him and she said his name was Kenny and that he's one of the staff. And I think that's when the alarm bells started to go off because you hear these stories about elderly vulnerable women that get duped into all sorts I mean my Auntie Jackie, she just went on the Zeebrugger to Hull ferry and before you know it

she was working a vape stall in Alkidiki They've taken her passport off her and everything they've told her she's not getting home until she's sold 100,000 blueberry vapes It's not gonna happen! I didn't speak to her for a couple of days until they reached Bangladesh, by which point she was just absolutely intoxicated with this Kenny. She was saying, he's proposed, we're getting married, he wants me to meet his son. I had to say to her mum, snap out of it, think about dad, he's only been in the ground a few years and all because of an intolerance

to bechamel sauce, that's hardly his fault. And that's when she said, I'm glad he choked on that lasagne. He deserved it. We had a lasagne last night being Kenny and it was marvellous. No problems at all. Next thing we know we're making love on the deck under the stars. It's just disgusting. I mean, on a full stomach as well. And then the messages stopped. Most unlike her, called the cruise company, they searched the ship and she was nowhere to be found. They'd checked her cabin, they'd checked the entire ship and there was no sign of her

or a rhinestone jacket anywhere. I asked them what they thought had happened. They said they didn't know, they couldn't say for certain, but if they had to put money in it, she'd probably been spurned by a lover and in a last desperate attempt to get his attention, she'd thrown herself onto the propellers. So I said to them, does this happen a lot? And they said, yeah, more often than you'd think. I called the cruise company. I said, you have lost mommy.

They said, didn't seem bothered at all. They said, well, we expect 5% wastage. I said, what? They said, yes, check the terms and conditions, 5% wastage. I said, didn't seem bothered at all. They said, well, we expect 5% wastage. I said, what? They said, yes, check the terms and conditions, 5% wastage. I said, mommy's not wastage. They said, well, she is, technically. And that was it. They, I said, well, what are you going to do? They said, well, we'll send you back her effect. They sent me back her personal effect. All that was in there was a box of Johnnies, large, three quarters of them gone, a jar of Nutella, and a signed poster of Richard Osmond, which currently haunts my dining room.

I didn't know what to do. I felt helpless. I ended up setting up a Facebook page. I don't even know why. Maybe to put pressure on the cruise company company but it was all I could do to help then within a few days we had our first follower it was a woman called Janet and then the strangest thing happened she messaged with a story about her own mother who had been on a cruise and met a man called Kenny and then within a matter of days had disappeared it. And again, in a few more days, we had 75 people reaching out with exactly the same story. 75 people in there. Same thing happened to them. Mummy's gone missing, marked as wastage, no one cares. And the thing that connects them all is this one man.

I knew that this Kenny was the centre of it all and I had to figure out who he was. Fortunately, some of the people that had reached out to us with stories had mentioned that they thought he was a former Darts champion. And before long we put two and two together and figured out it must be Kenny Baratone. So I put Kenny Baratone's name into Google and literally

the first result that came up was for something called the Great Big British Toddler Teardown Live and it just felt like that was asking more questions than it was answering so I clicked on to see what it was about and there he was this Kenny Baratone putting his giant baby up asking people to try and kill it for money. I couldn't tell what I was looking at. It was senseless. It depraved. Only a madman would take up a challenge like that. But given the situation, I don't know whether Mum is alive or dead or stuck in the gears of a propeller but what I do know is that I will not rest until I have decapitated that giant baby. I'm doing this for you

mummy. Wherever you are mummy I'm doing this for you. I will decapitate that giant baby in your honour. A big thanks to Kenny Baratone for that interview, and also of course, best of luck to Jack Black, not that one, and Janet Bingham. Best of luck in the ring. Time for a snack! Kenny's got you back. If all that fun's left you hungry as a nine-foot toddler... And why wouldn't it? in the ring. fried local onions. Oh, they're soft as a mother's love. To one of them rocketeer-looking silver trailers offering Pan-Asian street food for the urban metrosexual. Those wanting bow buns will not be judged. And of course, for kiddies, there's flump apples, blue ice,

family buckets of Kenny's royal jelly, and a whole rainbow of homemade caffeinated energy floss. Recommended intake, one bag per customer, but you do you. We're not your dad! All that! And a ticket to take a tumble with a towering tot! It really is the family day out where nothing is wrong, everything's permitted. Nothing is wrong, everything's permitted at the Great Big British Toddler Teardown Live! Yeeees! With great food, music, bright colours and savagery, Kenny Baratone's Great Big

British Toddler Teardown Live has something for everyone who just likes a good, no-nonsense, old-fashioned laugh. In association with Hyundai. And finally, of course I wondered how Yvonne Baratone was doing. After I told her about what Kenny had been saying, she declined the opportunity to give an interview. But she did send the following voice note. Kenny, I haven't left you. I told you I've flown back to the UK to be with my sister. She needs help with her kids because she's laid up after a botched Brazilian butt lift.

You know this. I've only been gone 10 days! 10 days! And you've already started breastfeeding Talbot, suspended inside a bauble in a restaurant. Oh, very classy, Mr Baratone. Why, Kenny! I left you 400 gallons of my own milk in 40 cool boxes in the garage. You never listen to anything I say, Kenny Baritone. And now? Now I find

out you're going to put Talbot in a ring to be beaten up by a load of roofers from Doncaster. Our precious baby. Our precious, precious, nine foot forty stone baby. If I wasn't thinking of leaving you before I am now now Kenny, for fuck's sake, Kenny! Oh, and don't come to me thinking, oh well, you know, she betrayed me by being in a hot tub with Richard Osman. No, it wasn't even that, well, he was there, but there was multiple people there, and he is, unlike you Kenny Baratone, a gentleman. He's an absolute gent, so get your facts straight. I'll see you when I get home. Beers!

Thank you, Yvonne. So that's all we've got time for this month. But if you're after more Beef and Dairy news, get over to our website now where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we quiz the new Pope about whether he's ever nibbled on a relic. So until next time, beef out. Thanks to Chris Cantrill, Amy Gladhill, Rob Gilroy, Amy Mason and Greg Johnson. Also, Chris has his own podcast, it's called Rural Concerns. It's very good and here's a little

plug from him. Hello, it's Chris Cantrill here, the voice of Kenny Baratone. This is me out of character. This is what I really sound like. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Beef and Dairy Network. Not sure Ben will have had loads of fun with the edit, but I had a laugh. This is just a quick message to punk my own podcast, it's called Rural Concerns. In each episode I catch up with Sonu Patel and James Shake Shaft to discuss rural affairs and inner city delights. It's basically countryile for newly middle-aged wreckheads. Check it out! I would recommend it. Okay, bye!

Hi, is this Sam? Yes it is. I'm Brenda, host of Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries on Maximum Fun, and I'm calling because you've been named Maximum Fun's Member of the Month for May. Wow, I'm really excited to hear that. I love being a member, I like all the bo-co and I just, I enjoy all the shows that I listen to. I just, I love Maximum Fun. As our member of the month,

you'll be getting a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fun store, a special member of the month bumper sticker, a special priority parking spot at Maximum Fun HQ in Los Angeles, California, just for you. I can't wait to see what the bumper sticker looks like. Oh yeah, I am obsessed with bumper stickers. What's your message to people

thinking about joining Maximum Fun? I mean, if you really like the shows, I think it's like a really good way to help support them. I'm really happy I'm able to. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for making your show. Become a Maximum Member now at MaximumFund.org slash join. It's hard to explain what Jordan and Jesse Goh is about.

So I had my kids take a stab at it. Probably weird stuff. You talk about... Jobs that are annoying. Uh-huh. Hmm, business. I think you probably learned your lesson after talking about business a couple of times. Growing up jokes that I don't understand and there's no putting in making. And...

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