Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 125 - Goodbye Jacobinius Arse

Episode Date: August 25, 2025

Mike Wozniak, Cody Dahler, Tom Crowley and Linnea Sage join us this month as we say goodbye to Jacobinius Arse Syndrome. LIVE SHOW on September 6th 2025 - buy tickets to stream it here: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/beef-and-dairy-network-podcast-online-streaming/Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.comMusic credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com:Warrior's Journey / ChronosBlue Saga / Soundbed 

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is brought to you by the Victory Sausage, the limited edition commemorative sausage from Mitchells. If it's not Mitchells, get back in the truck. For the first time since VJ Day in 1945, Mitchells has released a victory sausage, this time to mark the end of the Jacobinus Ass syndrome pandemic, a disease for which we will never truly know the cause. Made using ground quail penis and mulched public safety pamphlets

and suitable for both cattle and humans. This sausage is the perfect way to celebrate with your herd. Every order of 100 victory sausages or more receives a free pheasant. Simply use the code, what could go wrong? Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. The number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine, brought to you by the Mitchell's Victory Sausage.

And of course, the creation of that victory sausage can mean only one thing, an end to the Jacobinus Arse Syndrome pandemic. The disease, also known as closed-arce syndrome, which is estimated. to have killed over 200 million cattle worldwide and forced many farmers to try and diversify by pulling tourists around on an inflatable tire across Greece tarpaulin has finally been vanquished thanks to the discovery in the USA

of a procedure which can be carried out on cows that prevents the anus closing in the event of an infection. You have no doubt been part of the celebrations wherever it is you live, celebrations the likes of which haven't been seen since the end of World War II. And just like at the end of World War II, I kissed a sailor.

Anyway, we asked network members to call the Beef and Dairy Network Consolephone and leave a message telling us what they did to celebrate the end of Jacobinus Arse Syndrome. When I heard the news, I ran to the barn and there was my cow's ass open and wide and proud. The morning sun glittering like diamonds on its proliferation. relapsed, prolapsed rim, and I spontaneously started singing Ave Maria. I ran to my nearest beef information center, and I don't know why, but I burned it to the ground. When I heard the news, I took a celebratory tire ride on a greased-up tarpaulin. I just stared at my cows' open arses, and I wept.

When I heard that the disease is, to be cured. I don't know why, but I just started chain eating sausages until I barfed hard of my nephew's christening. When I saw that my cow's asses were finally open, I jumped on the back of my favorite bull, thinking I would have a joyful ride. And he threw me off almost instantly, and I broke 37 bones. The news created this amazing community spirit and everyone started exchanging towels and trousers with their neighbours.

I'm a relatively quiet man and I don't see many people but the day that the news broke there was a conglide on our cul-de-sac and I thought, oh, why not Jerry go and go and have some fun with the young people So, long story, short, now I'm on the game.

Thanks to everyone who called in. So, how close are we to a Jacobinus Free World? The preventative procedure was discovered only three weeks ago, and since that time, cases in the USA have dropped by over 90%. The first country in Europe to declare itself Jacobinius Free was Belgium, followed by Norway, Slovakia and France. And just today, the UK Royal Veterinary College has said that they believe that Jacobinius will be completely beaten here in Britain

by the end of next week. However, little is known publicly about how the solution was discovered. Until now. Earlier this week, I spoke to a friend of the show Nicholas Summers of Spherical Horizons, the Nicholas Summers' Lead and Beef Arse Company. Nicholas Summers, welcome to the show. Hello there, thanks so much for having me back. Now, for listeners who may not be familiar with your work,

you are a former scuba diver who then more recently discovered a cosmetic procedure, we might call it that, where you funnel beef mince and hot lead into people's arse region to create a really round what you call the dump truck ass. Yes, the perfect dump truck ass, exactly. Yeah. And we talked to you before about this. You created your own company, Spherical Horizons, the Nicholas Summers, let them be fast company. And, you know, as we finished our interview last time, I wished you the best of luck with that, because I was excited about what you might be able to do there. Now, a couple of things to cover. I guess the first thing is people were thinking, why are we talking to you today in this episode, all about the end of Jacobinus Arce syndrome. But you're here to tell us a little bit about your. part, maybe, in bringing that horrible epidemic to an end. Yes, exactly. But before we get on to that, maybe you can tell us about the fortune of the business,

because I believe that soon after we spoke, I mean, you were hoping, of course, that our podcast would lead some publicity for you and maybe would lead to more success for the business. But it sounds like actually, after we spoke, it very quickly hit the skids. Yes. It very quickly did not do well, despite my best efforts to kind of promote the business on here and through other mediums. Yes,

Jose, I guess the nail in the coffin was Jose and I choosing to go last. So Jose was your business, Jose was your business partner? Yes, a business partner, I guess yes, he was the driver of the boat from which we base the company

in international waters. Whether you call that a business partner or not is up for debate. He didn't own any equity in the business, but I would often say he's a business partner in order to kind of keep him calm. Yes, so Jose and myself, we decided to go our separate ways. On reflection, I think a lot of that was due to the fact that I repeatedly piped hot, mince and molten lead into his arse region. I can understand why that would have made him get cold feet,

let's say. Because you were kind of using him, I guess, as a kind of guinea pig. Is that what you're getting at? Like when you didn't have clients there who were getting there, let them be faster and you were just pumping it directly into his ass. Yes. I mean, guinea pig, I would contest. It was more that we had a lot of quite expensive fresh beef that would have gone rancid were it not used. So, you know, I was sort of sat there just watching thousands and thousands and thousands of pounds sort of just go putrid on my watch. So it got to a point where I thought, Jesus Christ, we can't let it all go to waste. And that, yes, that was I guess the point when I began piping it repeatedly into Jose's ass.

I have had some contact with Jose, actually. Oh. Just as part of the research ahead of this interview. Yes. He was telling me that his ass now counts as one of the world's biggest lead reserves. Well, there we go. I mean, you know, if I'd have known that at the time, I probably would have said that to him and that might have influenced his, you know, his staying in the company.

It just, I must have. I don't know if he was, when he was telling me that, I don't know if he was telling me that as a positive. I don't think he was saying, oh, on the up side, my ass is one of the world's biggest lead reserves. It was more like, it got to the stage where it was so much that my ass is one of the world's biggest lead reserves. Do you see what I mean? Like a more negative slant on that. Right. Yes.

Well, maybe that gets to the heart of the miscommunication between myself and Jose that led to the collapse of the business. Because I don't see any negative in someone's ass being the largest lead deposit. I mean, it's a valuable metal. It's very useful. And also, I guess, you know, lead gets stolen all the time and it's never more secure than in someone's ass. So I take Jose's point. But you're saying that you have a fundamental difference in the way you look at this. You have a more positive outlook when it comes to what you were doing. When he was a negative, you're saying he was a negative presence in the business? I guess you could say that. Also, the fact that Jose only speaks Portuguese and I never made any effort to learn, absolutely no effort to learn that language,

I guess also was an issue. Do you think you're ever in a situation where you were saying to Jose, right, I'm going to pump some more lead and mince into your ass and he wouldn't understand you. And if he was saying to you, no, don't do that. wouldn't understand him. Yes, exactly. I think, I think that's probably, that's probably what happened on many occasions. You know, I, again, I see the positives and everything. You know,

if someone is, is screaming at the top of their lungs, you know, their veins popping in their neck, I'm more likely to see that as a kind of a positive expression. Do you know what I mean? My brain doesn't jump to. That's someone in distress. That's someone who's having a good time. Do you know what I mean? So, so I am. That's someone who's excited. Exactly. Someone who's excited. And, you know, sue me. I'm an optimist. Do you know what I mean? I don't, you know, there's enough bad stuff in the world

without going around thinking that every anguished scream is that rather than, you know, a kind of a happy encouragement to have more beef and lead pumped into your ass. So the business came to an end. As you said, you were working on a boat in international waters. I believe Jose then sailed you to the nearest port, which was Boston. Correct. And it is at this point that you, your journey towards creating a cure for Jacobinus R syndrome begins.

Now, it's a long and knotty story, you know, I'm excited to have you tell it to me and for the listeners to hear it. But would you say that was the turning point? Yes, it was the turning point for the business. Certainly, you know, there was a lot of reflection once the boat had docked in the harbour, once the port authorities had kind of, you know, got a few cranes in to hoist Jose off of the boat, you know, while I was kind of watching him hanging in the air, not really able to do much with his limbs due to the sheer density of his ass.

Yeah, that was a point of reflection for me. You know, while I was watching Jose sort of hang lamely in the air being slowly lowered onto the harbour, I was looking around and it did strike me that a lot of Americans actually in that area did have an arse very much like Jose's kind of similar roundness. By which you don't you don't mean full of lead though

No no precisely No I guess it's more the the dump truck shape You know very extremely round Kind of jelly like asses A lot of those and I thought You know this is a nation that really values It's kind of juggling behinds

And I thought, actually, maybe this again, ever the optimist, maybe this is actually the best thing to have happened to the business. And at that point, one of the hooks from the cranes holding Jose gave way, and he fell directly through the harbour floor. And so I see, so that positivity came through again, and you saw an opportunity rather than maybe Jose who would have seen a problem again. I'm not, I don't want to be too down on Jose, but. Yes, exactly. Yeah, I'm glad you see it that way. Well, yeah, but also added to that, I would imagine, the thing you must have realized is that the regulations and the red tape around doing medical procedures in America is much more lax than it is here in Europe. So, of course, you were never able to set up shop here in Europe or in the UK, but in the US you can basically do what you want.

Absolutely. Yeah, it is a real free-for-all. You know, you associate medical procedures in Europe and the UK, you know, with kind of hospitals, you know, whitewashed walls, at the very least solid buildings. Whereas in the United States, I was able to operate, yeah, this cosmetic procedure off the back of a hot dog stand. You know, the first thing I did actually was buy a hot dog stand. I was trying to think, you know, how do you attract Americans? The first answer to that question is they love hot dogs. So I bought a stand. I started wheeling it round, you know, popping it outside courthouses, malls,

frying some onions, before you know it, you've got a crowd. And at that point, the sales pitch begins. You know, as I mentioned, a lot of these Americans

have dumped truck asses already, but I would then go on to say, you know, how resilient is that ass? You know, are you happy with your ass? A lot of them would say, yes, I'm very happy with my ass.

But yeah, how resilient is it? How long is that going to last? As you age, will the shesh? Lesson? Will it, will it get a bit flabbier? I mean, it's only natural. You know, it's part of the natural aging process. And then, you know, people start nodding. Yeah, they've got ketchup and mustard all around their face and their ears prick up and they're still moving the onions and popping it on top

of their brat first. And I'm going on like this, you know, what about a strong, metallic but also easily caressable ass? Oh, that sounds, yeah, that sounds really good. Again, more ketchup, mustard. And before you know it, I've got upwards of 50% of that crowd agreeing to there and then get on all fours and sort of see the end of my power washer, you know, just piping mince and lead into their ass. And another thing that would have been going in your favour, I imagine, is that, of course, Americans, they associate a British accent with intelligence, with trustworthiness. Yes, absolutely. Is that something that you found? Oh, God, yes. God, yes. actually a huge number of the Americans that I spoke to thought I was King Charles. Oh, really?

Yes, I don't really know why. But I mean, I wasn't going to stop them from thinking that, you know, because at that point I'd got them wrap around my little finger. They think I was a monarch of the United Kingdom. They'd do whatever I say. And is that then something that you would try and disabuse them of, or would you just lean into it? Oh, God, no, no, I'd absolutely lean into it.

good businessman. I headed to Burger King, got a crown. You know, the next day, I'd kind of on my way to work, I'd kind of collect some bits of police tape that I'd use to fashion a rudimentary ermine robe. And yeah, that second day, sales went through the roof. Why they thought King Charles would be operating a cosmetic arse company out of a hot dog stand was a question that they never seem to, they never seem to ask themselves. But yeah, I wasn't going to correct them. At one point, actually, I'd just have to start clicking my fingers and they'd get down on all fours, pointing their ass at me, ready for that hose. But I believe that you, I guess you could say, you became a victim of your own success. Maybe you could tell our listeners about what happened next.

Sure. So, you know, we're familiar with the initial struggles that I had with spherical horizons, kind of getting it off the ground. So, as you can imagine, this quite sad beginning to this new chapter, losing Jose, not really knowing what, what, what to do next, when I discovered that actually operating out of a hot dog stand and pretending to be King Charles was, you know, the kind of rocket boosters this business needed. I guess you could say I maybe got a little overconfident, you know, when you're kind of stood there in front of crowds of people who are just kind of clapping and cheering and braying while you power wash mints and lead into a random person's ass, you do, it's kind of. It's kind of. It's kind of, Kind of it starts to take on that that feel of a performance.

I started to add a little, little few, few kind of performative flourishes. And, you know, what do Americans love? They love the Wild West. So I kind of started introducing a Wild West theme while I delivered the procedures. And I kind of, I built some big saloon doors. You know, I dress in cowboy boots. And basically I place a kind of patient, you know, on the floor, kind of in front of the saloon doors.

And what I'd end up doing is I'd kind of get the crowd clapping and chanting. And then I'd kick through the saloon doors, power washer in hand. And I'd say, always the same catchphrase, I'm going to pump you full of lead. And the crowd would go wild. They would, you know, hot dogs thrown in the air. There's onions everywhere. They just loved it. And it went on like that for weeks, you know, the same catchphrase, the same routine, people never got bored of it. It was a real spectacle. But like a lot of successes, I guess, you know, the downfall came quite unexpectedly, quite suddenly when one day I, again, as normal, put on my cowboy boots, the saloon doors were there, patient on the floor, ars in the air, kicked the saloon doors down.

threw my head back and screamed I'm going to pump you full of lead and just as I was kind of bringing the mints power hose into place I was tasered by 14 police officers who mistook my catchphrase for

a threat. Oh they thought you were going to shoot someone? They thought I was about to mow someone down in the street you'll be familiar with the saying I didn't actually, I wasn't familiar with it hence I got into this mess but there is a saying in America I think famous amongst

1920s gangsters I'm going to pump you full of lead refers to bullets and I didn't know that No you were then I believe arrested and charged but it wasn't the misunderstanding

with the lead catchphrase and the gun that you were charged for was it it was something else so that would be ironically operating a hot dog stand

without a license yes I mean, and I didn't realize that it's actually, that is an incredibly serious offence in Baltimore. So, you know, there I was innocently just using the hot dog stand to operate my cosmetic procedure. It had nothing to do with operating a cosmetic procedure on the street. Again, I want to stress that. The medical institutions in the United States are more than happy with that. But operating a hot dog stand without a license will land you 35 years in jail.

So that's what they got me on. And when I got to jail, most of the people in there, I was shocked to discover were in there for the same thing. So what proportion would you estimate of the people inside the prison where you went to, which was a supermax prison near Baltimore? How many of the people in there were there because they had run an unlicensed hot dog stand? I'd say upwards of 80%. Yeah.

Wow. 80%. And then I'd say the rest, the other 20%, was kind of, you know, drug-related crimes. And then you've got a couple of pedos in there as well. More from Nicholas later, including how he was involved in bringing Jacobinus to an end. But first, I'm going to speak with our new foreign correspondent, Rodney Wood Lodge. Previous to being our foreign correspondent, he used to put up details of events on our website

before a short and disastrous spell as our arts correspondent. Not sure why we've entrusted him with the foreign correspondent job, but it's out of my hands. So we sent Rodney to the first country in Europe to declare itself Jacobinius Free, Belgium, to see how the celebrations are going. So first of all, Rodney, hello, and well done on your new appointment. Thank you so much. I'm very, very excited to be this show's foreign correspondent. Very, very happy indeed. I love receptions, dignitaries. With this appointment, you are spoiling us, Ambassador. yeah okay i mean it's worth mentioning of course you were previously our theatre correspondent yes

you turn out not to be very good at that so maybe just remember to concentrate on this and try and try and do your best on this one because you're on thin ice well that's your perception you know the arts are subjective there's no good art or bad art likewise there's no good corresponding on the arts or bad corresponding on the arts what i did was just my own thing okay well just just to say you know let's turn over a new leaf and let's hope that you've taken to being a foreign correspondent. Yes. Like a duct to water.

Like a duct to foreign waters. International waters, you might say. There we go. A great start already. So we, of course, have sent you over to Brussels in Belgium. Belgium, of course, the first country in Europe to completely eradicate Jacobinia SARS syndrome. We've all seen the photographs of the street parties

and the reaction over there, and we thought we'd send someone over there to soak up the Atmos. Rodney, what's it like? On the street, not as jubilant as I expected. I saw a few groups of tourists wandering around and one man wearing a top hat, a long black cloak and chanting at Leeds Ghost Walk,

which I thought was a bit strange. Sorry, did you say Leeds Ghost Walk? Yeah, I thought that was strange as well, but I suppose in this pan-global city, you've got all different options for all different kinds of people, haven't you? And I have to say, I've been very, very well accommodated here. You know, I got off the train and straight away I was greeted by hordes of English-speaking people. You know, I even tried to learn a bit of French and a touch of Flemish for when I got here.

But I have to say, every time I try to use it on anybody, nobody's got the merest idea of what I'm saying. Rodney, is there a chance that you're not in Brussels? I don't think that's possible because I certainly went online and looked for train to Brussels. And, you know, a few clicks over. I was slightly distracted because I had spilled milk from my cereal. bowl on my trousers. Anyway, the more I think about it, I'm sure I have to be in Brussels, because I'd always been told that the Central City Museum in Brussels was a real sight to behold. And I went around and sure enough, it was filled with incredible exhibitions. In fact,

there was one really amazing one about the history of the city of Leeds. Okay, Rodney, I think I can see what's happened there. You are in Leeds, but... No, I don't think that's possible, actually. No, in fact, no, I'm sure it's not, because earlier today, I saw Alan Bennett walking down the street. And I remember that because I thought to myself, how weird that Alan Bennett would be in Brussels. Okay, Roddy. Well, it was not lost because, of course,

I asked you to go out and record some vox pops with people on the streets. Did you? And, of course, while the celebrations are taking place in Belgium, also there'll be people with interesting points of view in Leeds, of course. So let's listen to some of those voxpops you recorded for us. The voxp... Yes. Yes. Yeah.

I did... I recorded some of those ones earlier on the street. Click. I am sir excited. That's a lady there. Continental lady, click. Sorry, I mean... Okay, Rodney, listen, it's obvious that you were in Leeds.

You don't have to pretend... No, no, there was... One more. You've spoken to Belgian people. You can just... There was what... You can just play me the recordings of the people you actually spoke to in Leeds. That's fine.

You have to pretend you're in Belgium. Right, no, because... No, because I've come to. to Brussels and here is the proof my interview with the

king of Belgium Rodney Oh dear is no Jacob been Osser Wow that's so interesting

And you as the king You must feel jubilant about this Oter you to quater Hoopo Rodney Yes

Rodney That's completely unacceptable That's not the king of Belgium Yeah, see, at a crown. Okay, here's a little test for you. What's the name of the King of Belgium?

Belbus the first. Okay, Rodney, I think it's probably time for you to come back. No, please don't make me come back. Well, be having a word with HR, but I don't think you can continue to be the form of corresponding. This is an outrage. This is a witch hunt. It's not a witch hunt.

I just think that you need to go back to working on the website. No, I don't want to get. You weren't ever that good at that, to be honest. Please don't make me go back. You can't sack me anyway. I've learnt German. Okay. I don't think you have.

I mean, say something in German then. Ike. I'm a Rodney. Okay, Rodney. I can need a dash toilet. I think look out for an email from H.R. and Monday, and we'll go from there. But thank you. Well, not even, well, thank you.

Please let me be the foreign correspondent. You're certainly never going to be If you don't, I'll hurt you Rodney, you can't say that kind of thing I mean that's counting against you What, that's taken out of context You can't mess with me I'm not the sort of man

I'm not the sort of person that you can lead up the garden path matey I've got friends in dangerous places You might do but you wouldn't know where to find them He'd probably go to the wrong country let alone the right city You bastard Just you wait till I speak to my mum

Your mum Your mum? Your mum All right, Rodney, thank you very much I am the eye of the storm Okay, bye Now back to our big interview With Nicholas Summers So you're sentenced to 35 years

In a Supermax prison Tell me about that first night That must have been tough Yeah, well, that first, The first night's sleep was a little A little rocky, you know, There's lots of noise on a prison wing, lots of kind of threatening sounds coming from the other cells. And, you know, I'm sure

you're familiar with what they say about American prisons, which is, you know, what you should do on your first day is walk straight up to the biggest guy and punch him in the face, you know, just to show you're not to be messed around with. Obviously, I wasn't going to do that. But what I did do is I walked straight up to the biggest guy and looked him dead in the same. And looked him dead in the eyes and said, I could give you the perfect ass, the most round and beautiful dump truck ass you could possibly imagine. All I need is a power hose, 10 kilograms of beef, and as much lead as you can find. And how did that go down with him? As it so happened, the big guy of the wing, the King of the Wing, was a guy called Grindr.

And he was the largest proprietor of unlicensed hot dog carts in the entire Baltimore region. Right. So he'd at that point known that I was in for hot dog related crimes. So already we were kind of operating on fairly similar terms. Do you know what I mean? He's thinking, as I'm walking up, is he a hot dog guy? Is he a drug guy or is he a pedo? And I'm very happy, very happy to tell you that he did land on hot dog to begin with.

I'm a hot dog guy. So, yeah, we kind of got off on the right foot. And being a purveyor of so many hot dog carts means that you can, of course, sneak a lot of stuff into prison. So getting the power washer lead and beef was no problem, no problem at all. Oh, right. Really? So he's so powerful in the world of unlicensed hot dog carts that he can get a power washer into a prison. Oh, absolutely.

I mean, it would surprise, I'm sure it would surprise you to know. know that actually a lot of visitors into prison, the hot dog cart is actually, they're very popular. You know, you'd look at a visiting, a visitation room at a prison and you would expect every person there to have their own hot dog cart. It's just something that's just something that kind of happens in Baltimore. You know, it's not, people kind of use them like handbags. So they're not actually, it wouldn't look unusual for someone to come into prison with a hot dog cart. So obviously if you're the kingpin of hot dog carts, it's not going to be difficult at all for someone to bring in one of those carts with all of the goods that you so desire.

And then how did you get it from the cart then, pass the guards back into the prison? Well, it was actually a very easy system. What would happen is everyone, all of the inmates would suddenly go, oh my God, is that King Charles? Point at me. All of the staff at the prison, all of the visitors would gasp, again, thinking I was King Charles. And then, yeah, all of the hot dog carts just smuggled into the cells. So you had all the things you needed, you have that, you have that beef, you've got the lead, you've got the power washer. That's right.

How quickly were you able to administer that perfect dump truck ass? So yeah, we just waited till that evening. Grindr came into my cell and yeah, he sort of bent over and I gave him that perfect, perfect arse. So I imagine then you haven't given that ass to the king of the wing. You have a kind of privileged place then within the prison high. hierarchy or looked after. Life's good, I guess, you know, relatively speaking. Yes, life, life was very, very good. Basically, more and more inmates, basically wanted, wanted the procedure

done. And that was something that, because Grindr is, you know, he's at heart a very, very kind of generous man, he allowed, yeah, all of the hot dog vendors, the people who were in there for hot dog related crimes, to have the procedure done. So, yeah, three days after getting all of the equipment, 80% of the wing had dump truck asses as well. And that point, I'm, I'm hailed as a king, both because I've delivered the arses and also a lot of them did still think I was King Charles for some reason. No, this is obviously a fantastic story. But I think some of our lessons are we thinking, okay, great, but what's this got to do with Yakubinius Arse syndrome? Well, about six months into my 35-year sentence, you know, I was sat in a canteen.

And I saw on the news, just like everyone else, I suppose, that Jacobinius R syndrome was back. And then the next morning, we were all woken up in our cells and we were told by the guards that you're getting out today. And I mean, you can imagine what we all thought. I mean, we were kind of, we were pumping our fists. Couldn't quite believe what we were hearing. And, you know, what do you mean we're getting out? It's like, boys, we're all, you're all getting out today. unbelievable stuff. It was a wonderful morning. But obviously all of that joy quickly came to an end when we were suddenly chained together. And that's when the dots started to be connected. You know, the Jacobinus R syndrome on the news the night before, suddenly we're being chained up and being told to head out down the highway and rip off as many penises from as many quails as we could find.

Okay. So you've basically been put into what I guess is called a chain gang. Yes. And, yeah, so obviously most listeners will know that one of the early actions that most governments worldwide took was to encourage people to twist the penises off quails. It was believed that that would curb the pandemic. Precisely. We know now that actually that didn't make much of a difference. No. But at the time, that was very much all we had.

Yes. Not a very nice task. And, of course, in Britain here, you know, if a member of the public twisted off a quail's penis and took it to their local beef information center, they'd be given a badge and a packet of crisps but I imagine you weren't getting anything like that Absolutely not Absolutely not no no absolutely nothing in return Of course you mentioned that twisting off the quail penises

Did nothing to stem the spread of Jacobinus arse syndrome I mean I can I can one up you in that actually Letting out the prisoners who have been cooped up inside For sometimes decades out into the wild You give them a quail it's pretty clear what's going to happen that those quails are unfortunately

Ah, of course Of course And of course The one thing we all know Is that the only way that a human being Can contract Yakubina Sar syndrome Is to conduct sexual congress With a mega quail

Which is a hybrid between a quail And so I think I feel like I know where this is going Exactly, yes I mean, you know, I don't think as prisoners are to blame, you know, you're told you're getting out and then suddenly you're chained up and told to twist penises off quails.

That, you know, you're going to you're going to have to look on the bright side, dare I say. You know, a bit of my optimism had clearly started rubbing off on the other inmates because, you know, we were all stood there, chained up, quail penises in hand, thinking, you know, how do we get something out of this sorry state of affairs?

By the end of that day, I think the prison staff could tell that they'd made a boo-boo, you know, when they realized that every prisoner had had their way with a quail that day. And so they were braced for an enormous outbreak of Jacobinus R syndrome. You know, they'd got the medical staff on standby. And the outbreak never came. Hmm. So are you telling me that no one amongst that prison population contracted Yakubinia-Sar syndrome? Well, no one who had had the lead beef-ass procedure done, as I kind of alluded to, that was because of Grinder and the influence he had over the hot dog-related criminals. It was only the hot-dog-related criminals that had the procedure done. The druggies and the pedos, they caught it bad. so those guys that had that dump truck ass that you'd given them by pumping in the beef and lead

why is it then that they didn't contract yakobinus arse syndrome the sheer amount of lead in their arse region essentially kept the asshole open it was not possible the disease could not physically close that asshole and at what point did you realize that and i'm slightly skipping head in the story here, that you had cured Jacobinus Arse syndrome, or at least you'd come up with some kind of way of

of stopping it, in humans at least. I realised quite immediately the connection, but people, because of the severity of the outbreak, they thought I was a kind of raving lunatic, you know, I'm saying, I've cured this, this isn't going to affect us. So actually, I had to

do something that I'm still ashamed of to this day, which is I, of course, had to perform sexual intercourse with a quail in front of the prison governor. So it was very clear that you were on to something and I believe that within a few days you were speaking with the White House and cutting a deal with the administration there to secure your own freedom in return for this cure. So I cut a deal with the US government that basically said I could be released to perform the procedure, the lead arse procedure on a cow, which would then be infected with the Jacobinus arse disease. and if the cow survived, I would be released entirely. The remainder of my sentence simply sort of blown away, and I'd be set free.

And if it failed, I would be killed instantly by firing squad. Oh. Oh, wow. Okay. I wonder why they put that a second bit in. Seems a bit unnecessary. I thought the same. Initially, when I was trying to cut the deal, I said, I'm very happy with the first bit, because I'm pretty confident, but having that firing squad to instantly kill me, less keen on that, because yes, yes, I'm confident, but I'm very happy to just head back into prison if, you know, should it fail and I'll just, you know, live out the rest of my 35 years. But no, they weren't happy with that bit. They wanted me shot dead instantly. I could sort of still really haven't got my head around what exactly they're.

were going for and why they put that in. But yeah, that's what they insisted should be added to the end of the deal. I'm just spitballing here, really, but could it be that, you know, America, it's the home of Hollywood, of Ritzie Entertainment, and I wonder if they felt that adding that bit of jeopardy into the sort of format of it all just kind of comes naturally to the Americans? Well, it's really funny you should say that because, yeah, I, I was expecting to be whipped out to a kind of nondescript military facility, do the procedure. If it's successful, great.

If not, I'd be killed instantly. But actually, what happened was I was carted off to a, basically, a TV studio. And I kind of, I'm led in. There were all of these, like, sort of studio lights. The firing squad was decked out in sort of showbiz outfits. There were cameras everywhere. There's an entire studio audience. sort of cheering and clapping, you know, it was basically like a TV show that I was going to

perform the procedure on live television. Now, of course, you didn't actually do it on live television. You know, if that had been on television, that would have been a huge event. We'd all know about it. So what do you mean? Yes, I should say, sorry, when I say live television, I mean, actually, it was broadcast to an extremely exclusive group of people who had access to this extremely exclusive streaming platform that you can actually only get access to if you're on Jeffrey Epstein's list. Ah, okay. Okay, interesting. So that's why you haven't seen it. Yes, okay. And I guess, yeah, those guys might like the kind of thing where there's a bit of jeopardy that the guy doing the procedure might.

might get 20 bullets in his back so kind of checks out yeah I mean they're they famously yeah they famously have pretty pretty poor taste but yeah I guess so that's kind of what gets them going so there you are

you're there to administer your lead and bee farce to to a cow now of course in a way you're flying blind because you've done hundreds of these procedures on human beings but you have never done it I believe on a cow that must have been stressful

Yes, exactly, yeah It was and again I think that would have been slightly less stressful if I didn't have 15 sniper rifles trained on my head that really upped

my nervousness yet it's the first time I'm doing the procedure I did have to go on hunch and let me tell you you do not want to be going on hunch with a firing squad

in front of you I'll tell you that but you know I've done hundreds thousands of these procedures. And of course, Jose, with the multiple procedures I'd performed on him, he was actually larger than a cow. But by the end, by the last few times, I did the procedure on him. So I knew roughly what I was doing. So you go ahead and do the procedure. At that point, I guess the cow is, what, forcibly infected with the Jacobinusar syndrome? That's right. Someone came in

in a sort of hazmat suit. They injected the disease into the cow. And then there was a very large 4K camera just trained directly on the cow's asshole and should there be any contraction any constriction of that that asshole um that would be the end for me the firing squad had they'd cocked their weapons trained directly on on my head and ass and uh yeah so it was quite tense now you're still with us so i'm i guess that cow's assholes stayed open exactly the cow was absolutely fine. And then at that point, the firing squad put down their rifles that they were no longer trained on my head. They turned around, picked up some machine guns and machine gunned the entire audience. I celebrated the end of Jacobinus R. Syndrome the same way

I celebrated Elizabeth II silver jubilee. On the roof of my house, glass of port and a cigar, Fully naked. News of the cure spread from house to house, and soon our whole village gathered in the square, dancing, weeping, and whooping with joy. As day turned tonight, someone brought an effigy of a closed cow's anus, and we set it alight,

roasting rich beef sausages in the flames. It was so beautiful an experience that I didn't even mind when I found my husband the next morning in a field, drunk, panceless, and covered in quails. When he heard the news, my elderly father got up from his chair, kissed me and my two brothers tenderly on the head, and walked out the front door.

We haven't seen him since. When I heard the news, I immediately divorced my wife. I celebrated the cure for Dachia being a thor syndrome with a pint of silly beef wine and a plate full of reed beef sausages. Rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages

Rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages

Rich beef sausages Now, what's extraordinary about all of this is that you single-handedly came upon the golden bullet that will bring the pandemic to an end. And yet, people don't know this about you. You know, the US government simply said that they had developed it, whereas it sounds like really it was just you on your own. Why is it that you've waited until now to come forward and say, it was me? You know, I'm the guy who saved the world. I am Superman. I am Batman.

Yeah, well, you know, that's just not me. I'm not interested in fame. You know, that's not the sort of person I am. I don't crave fame. I crave the freedom to do what I love, which is piping molten lead and minced beef into people's arses. That's what I want to do, and I want the freedom to do that unharassed. You know, yes, I should be given the Nobel Peace Prize. I could be demanding that.

I could be demanded that I'm kind of carried through the great veterinary institutions across the entire world for curing this horrific disease. But I don't want that. That's not me. Now, I think that will raise the question for our listeners. Well, why is he being interviewed on this programme then if he's not interested in fame? And that's the question I asked you when we were organising this interview. And you explained that for you it's about lobbying the government over a very specific legal issue.

it's complicated stuff but maybe you can try and explain it to our listeners that's exactly right yes spherical horizons the nicholas Summers lead and be fast company is doing well and I'm pleased with that I don't want to seem ungrateful but

I also deep down know what this procedure can do to people's lives I know how transformative it can be and as I look around the streets of Baltimore and I see the reverence that people have for a dump truck ass. My heart can't help but yearn for the opportunity to deliver such happiness and joy in my home country of Great Britain. All I want to do is return to

Great Britain without being immediately arrested due to the application of what I believe to be a kind of medieval law that bans beef being used for cosmetic. reasons. I think it's outrageous. It's the one thing stopping me from returning home and I've decided to speak out and identify myself as the brains behind the cure for Jacobinus R. Syndrome in order to pressure the UK government and show them that I am an incredibly capable mind and that there is no risk

of allowing me to pipe lead and mince into people's ars on home shores. Very interesting. Of course, the law you were talking about was enacted in 1537 by Henry VIII. That was obviously because, at the time, there was the trend, or the tradition, rather, of Catholic members of the clergy,

would wear a beef hat. And so by bringing that law, that was seen as a cosmetic use of beef, rather than consuming the beef. And so then that effectively outlawed that practice. So really it was about Henry the 8th just needling the Catholics, you know, 500 years ago. Exactly. But it's still very much in place.

So that's why you've come forward to try and put some pressure on the UK government. All I'm asking for is a medical licence from the UK government to freely pipe lead and mince into people's arses. It's not a big ask. And dare I say, this has support right from the top. This has support from King Charles himself. And when you say that, you don't just. mean you dressed as King Charles. No, yes.

It's not me pretending to be King Charles and then saying that I approve. No, this is the real King Charles has said, and this may be an exclusive, he has said that he will happily have the procedure done from the top of Nelson's column. So, hang on, he'll be standing on Nelson's column or you'll be standing or you'll both be standing on Nelson's column. We'll both be standing on Nelson's column and there'll be a kind of winch system. Right. So once King Charles has had the procedure done, I'll winch him down and who's coming up? Camilla. They both are huge fans of my work. They both want dump truck asses. The only

thing stopping this event is some bloody bureaucrat sat in Whitehall not knowing the importance and the ridiculousness of this 1537 law that's standing in the way of progress in this country. That's what that, it's ridiculous, it's crazy. The campaign starts here. I got to say I agree with you. I think most of our listeners will agree with you.

And I think you've done the right thing coming forward and making this story public. I think you deserve all the credit you're going to get. I know it's not what you're after, but you are going to get some plaudits and you deserve it. So just enjoy it, is what I'd say. And let's hope that that pressure builds up against the UK government and they repeal this law, for God's sake. Thank you. Well, Nicholas Summers, I want to say thank you so much for talking with me today.

An explosive exclusive. I'm really pleased you came to the Beef and Dairy Network to do that. And wish you all the best. My pleasure. Thank you so much. And I would like to just say, as a huge heartfelt thank you for getting my story out there, that I would like to offer you a free procedure

totally on the house I would happily pump some beef and lead into your ass and give you a dump truck ass just for you just as a thank you well I don't think so Nicholas I don't think it feels good for me

to take freebies off people that I speak to on the podcast because obviously there's an ethical to there so it's not a freebie we're friends we continue to be friends I consider you a close friend and close friends help each other. I think there's a big list of people out there who want that procedure, Nicholas,

and I wouldn't feel happy jumping that queue. So you just got with what you're doing. I'm happy to jump the queue. You've done a lot for me, and I want to recognise that. So, yeah, the power hose is ready. What do you say? It really wouldn't be right.

And also, you know, I can't make it over to Baltimore. We can't do it in the UK with the way the law stands. Please. the, no, no, no, it doesn't matter. I'll come to you. I'll happily come to you. Please, just have the procedure done. I think it would be great.

It would be great. I don't want it, Nicholas. I don't want it. Please, just have it. I don't want you to pump lead into my ass. Have it. Or beef. Just have it.

I don't want it. I don't want it. For free. It's not going to cost you anything. Have it. I don't want it. I don't want it. Have the procedure done.

I don't want it. it, Nicholas! A big thanks to Nicholas Summers for that interview and best of luck with your campaign. Now, before we go, I thought it was only right that I should speak to Bovine Arsfet, Bob Triscothic. I know that he has been a great source of comfort for many of you throughout this ordeal, and I also thought he'd be a good person to talk to to get a scientific view on what's going on. Bob Triscothic, thank you for coming on the show. great pleasure. Now, obviously, this is a huge landmark kind of moment in the history of veterinary

medicine. It's a very, very different time to when we last spoke. Yeah, what, you know, is this a moment of celebration for you? Absolutely. I mean, it's, um, there's unparalleled joy throughout the veterinary and, and farming communities, of course, that this development has taken place and that, um, the war effectively seems to have been won. Um, I mean, as ever, when, when, When a war is won, it's always a little bittersweet. I am already starting to Jones for the sensation of being dragged around a greased up tarpaulin on an inflated tire by a stressed farmer. Are you finding, you know, as you go around farms that now farmers are going back to beef farming,

that they're not keeping up with the inflatable tire on the ground. I mean, a lot of them drop the ties straight away as soon as they were able to get their hands. on enough hot lead, they forgot all about it. And, you know, the countryside is listed with abandoned greased up sheets of tarpaulin that are just sort of blowing around in the wind, ending up in all sorts of places. So there is a bit of sadness there for you then, that that golden period of the greased up tarpaulin is over. It is over. It is over. And no one seems to be interested in gathering up those greased up tarpaulins and making, I mean, I've put the word out, suggested, you know, collect them together, make a sort of a mega tarpaulin.

whether that's for ordinary inflated ties or omega ties. It's not up to me, but I think it's worth it, but there's no interest. So they're just blowing around in the wind, you know, flapping about occasionally engulfing small flocks of geese or ramblers. As I say, bittersweet. But largely speaking, sweet with the capital S. Well, let's talk about the veterinary side of this. Obviously, we all know now that the cure, or rather the preventative,

is to pump hot lead into the ass of a cow. Correct. Reinforce that anus area so that it won't... snap shut as soon as they get Jacobinus arse syndrome. But I think many people are we thinking surely we can't pump lead into the ass of every cow on earth.

That's billions of animals. Yes, and it has, it's caused panic among the non-scientifically minded and particularly the the saber-rattling panicky types who think is as soon as, you know, the lead has run out from the mines of Mexico and Peru and the Yorkshire Dales

that there's going to be some sort of massive lead-based conflict but what we have done appears to be enough yes there isn't enough lead to reinforce every anus but what we've found with the viruses in the past

and certainly seems to have happened here is that you hit them hard enough in the battle against them the virus will eventually simply give up and that seems to have happened with the acumenious arse virus oh so you sort of

you deal a blow to the virus's morale is that a way of thinking of it yeah very much so At the end of the day, you can, well, the current thinking is that you make the virus self-reflective and it looks upon itself and what its goals are, why it has those goals and what it is, really. So now, is it fair to say that even if you, you know, we'll have lots of farmers listening who's heard are not yet reinforced. I know there is a national road out of the enforcement action, which I believe you are involved in yourself. You've picked up the pressure washer and I'm sure you've done a few cows yourself. Oh, I've reinforced a lot of anuses.

And it's something I never imagined for a second I would do this perfect, perfect section of a cow, I imagine would never need reinforcement or improvement, occasional treatment, certainly. But particularly with, I mean, these anuses, the lead's not going to, it's not going anywhere. These are permanent changes. But here we are.

But it does give the cows, though, that perfect dump truck ass. They'd really fill out a nice pair of jeans if you pop the jeans on. Oh, absolutely. They are turning heads, these cows, to the point where they've had to put sort of warnings on billboards, on country roads, by farms, just, you know, please stop at a lay-by or any of the viewing gentries that we've installed. Don't try and look at it as you're driving by, because we did get a lot of accidents in the first few weeks. But they're beautiful.

And the confidence is back. The milk is rich. The hides are glossy once more. It's just absolutely lovely to see. Yeah. So as I was saying, there's lots of farmers out. there who's heard hasn't yet been reached by the task force, especially those, for example, in the highlands of Scotland and the more remote areas. Is the message to them, don't worry,

it may not even need to be reinforced? The message is crack on. The virus has stopped acting. We are free of the virus in the UK. We're very, very confident of that. So don't wait for lead, get farming. We can actually find, there's a couple of dormant traces of the virus that we've found that we've, have contained. The Ministry for Agriculture has some, there's a beef information centre in Northampton that has a sample. I sold a sample to someone who I thought was a collector, turns out to be someone who works for a lab in North Korea. Do you know what I mean? It's not enough about it, and it's in a dormant state. So crack on. It's all good. Okay, well, Bob, thank you. And a moment of celebration. And I hope you're taking the time to

feel that celebration and cracking up for a fizzy beef wine and You bet I am. Absolutely. Great. Lovely. Well, lovely to hear from you and speak to you soon. Cheerio. A big thanks to Bob for that interview. And he asked me to say that while the lead-ass procedure is, of course, free if carried out by the government task force, if you'd like him to personally fire a load of hot lead into your cow's backside, he's offering some bespoke packages. For example, for a ruby wedding anniversary, he'll add some shards of ruby to the mix. if you'd like to, for example, commemorate the memory of Lady Thatcher. He'll do you an iron ass. Stuff like that. So, what else is there to say? The pandemic is over.

We made it. And while it was an awful time for our industry, there were moments of true beauty. We saw a kinder side to the farming community. Something that we always suspected was there, but which during those long months became undeniable. The way that many farmers, unable to farm, put their time to good use for their local community, whether that's pulling people around on an inflatable tire on a grease tarpaulin,

or filling up a muck spreader with seven up and driving past a primary school during lunch break. Shotgun killings of trespassing members of the public were down to only 4,840 during the past three months. That's stunning. And in return, the non-farming community came out for the farmers, often collecting in their local areas and bringing them gifts. One of the images I'll take away from this time was watching a local vicar, dragging a heavy sleeping bag full of onions

up the path towards a farmhouse. He was taken down, of course, with a shotgun, but the farmer was unusually apologetic about it and finished him off with merciful speed. Jacobinius, maybe brought out the best in us. Perhaps when one ass closes, another one. opens. Our inner arse of kindness. So, that's what we've got time for this month. If you're after more Beef and Dairy News, get over to the website now where you'll find all the usual stuff,

as well as our off-topic section where this month we launch a campaign to make the E in the NATO alphabet Enya. So, until next time, beef out. Thanks to Cody Dala, Tom Crowley, Mike Wozniak, and Leneasage, and of course everyone who called in to the Beef and Dairy Netto-A-Karnsaphone. On Judge John Hodgman, the courtroom is fake, but the disputes are real. Brian would say, I'm the Gumby of this family. He's just not. Claiming to be Gumby is an ungambi-like claim.

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