Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 126 - A Live Commemoration Of The Third Anniversary Of The Death Of Queen Elizabeth II

Episode Date: September 22, 2025

Mike Shephard, Susan Harrison, Sammy Dobson, Tom Crowley, Linnea Sage and Mike Wozniak join in this week as we commemorate three years since the death of her majesty Queen Elizabeth II.Live stream tickets: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/beef-and-dairy-network-podcast-online-streaming/kplayer/Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.comMusic credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com:Choir Hymn / More Than Family

Hello, this is an audio recording of a live show we did at the London podcast festival earlier this month. Of course, certain elements had to be cut out because they were too visual for this podcast version, but I think it all still makes sense. Enjoy. This edition of Beef and Dairy Network live is brought to you by the Mitchell's Angels, the new worldwide network of local representatives, which means that you're never more than 10 miles from a Mitchell's rep. We will now dynamically, We insert details of your local representative here. Alan Brough.

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Mitchell's Angels. Because if it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. And welcome to a very special live edition here in front of a sold-out audience here in London, where we are gathered to commemorate. The third anniversary of the death of Elizabeth II.

In association with Hyundai. Now, the actual anniversary is in two days' time, and across Britain, people have been preparing for the commemorations. On your way here to the venue, you may have seen the commendable work done by patriots putting up England flags on lampposts and painting them onto mini roundabouts. Fantastic.

I definitely wouldn't say, for example, that those people are thick-o-bicropinus numpties, who should be deported to Mars. I wouldn't say that. Now, if you haven't heard of Queen Elizabeth II, and I find that very unlikely, unless maybe you're a baby or a recently escaped North Korean prisoner of war,

she was the UK's reigning monarch for over 70 years, and indeed is one of the world's longest ever reigning monarchs behind France's Louis XIV, and of course, the Burger King. and even though Queen Liz the first put in a good shift smashing the Spanish armada, I would say that Queen Elizabeth the second is one of those rare sequels that's actually better than the original.

She truly is the Terminator 2 Judgment Day of Monarchs. She died, of course, sadly at 96, and I think many were sad that she never made it to 100, just to see what happens if someone tries to send a telegram to themselves. And of course, there was the added sadness. that she didn't live long enough to see a laboo-boo. But to your majesty, in many ways, you were the original laboo-boo.

Something that despite the obvious grotesqueness, people inexplicably love and are happy to queue for hours and spend loads of money on. The thing is, despite their detractors, the royal family are a tenacious force in British life. They're like piss. It stinks, but somehow,

how we need it. And if you go to an old lady's house, you'll find it on a tea towel. Now, some of you might think this is all a bit macab to dedicate an episode entirely to the death of an old lady. In association with the queen of the queen of just the queen of the queen of England. With her steadfast support for the British beef industry, she was also truly the queen of beef.

The quiff. The news of the Queen's death was so seismic that it dominated news headlines for a week. An unusual by-product of this was that many well-known people whose death would usually have been reported went unnoticed. And so, in order to give them the respect they deserve,

here is a round-up of those we lost on the same day as the Queen. Paddington Paddington was so heartbroken he overdosed on a lethal mixture of marmalade and ketamine known on the street as a Terry's chocolate orange See you in the heavenly cahole little guy Princess Anne

She died doing what she loved Playing hungry, hungry hippos with real hippos. Andrew Lloyd Webber. He skidded on a roller skate left by one of the cast of Starlight Express and landed on an upturned knife in his open dishwasher.

Usually this wouldn't be a problem because all of his knives are retractable theatre knives, but Trevor Nunn had been round to show off his collection of Japanese cleavers. Luckily, Trevor was able to regenerate Andrew moments later by frantically pumping him full of stem cells,

stolen from the live spines of chorus members from Evita. Now, before we introduce our first studio guest, we've had a video message from front of the show, Bob Triscothic. Hello, Bob Droskothic here. I'm very sorry to be missing this celebration, but I'm currently in hiding. I was lucky enough to meet the late queen on two occasions. Once, when she'd had a bet with Prince Philip,

that if one was to look through a keyhole and only be able to see his anus, it would be indistinguishable from that of an Aberdeen Angus. I was the independent adjudicator, and she was bang on. And also once, when she was having a slow weekend and wanted to see if we could make a Texas Longhorn with a corgi. Yes, wonderful. Wonderful woman.

I'd love to be there, but as I say, I'm indisposed. Also, it seems a little disrespectful to turn up at the moment because I don't have my dress toupee with me, which I'd prefer for the stage. I was examining a Belgian blue in Lincolnshire, and I had to go all the way in. and it got trapped in the descending colon and the farmer wouldn't let me back in

to retrieve the toupee because we fall out by then over money but God save the Queen if that's still appropriate Thank you more Now our first studio guest is a friend of the show He's an eminent historian who is currently taking a bit of

of timeout from the world of academia to concentrate on his well-being and also being a caretaker for a patch of wasteland next to a power station in Lincolnshire. Please welcome Professor James Harkham. James, thank you for coming. Hello. It's always a pleasure. How are things, James? You're not...

I mean, obviously you've been linked with many eminent seats of academia, Plymouth University, the Wyoming Catholic College of the Internet, but currently you're not actually teaching at the moment, are you? Well, let me put it this way. What is teaching? And the Oxford English Dictionary would say that teaching is the dissemination of information via a form of communication by a learned person to a group of students.

But I happen to be sleeping under a copy of the Oxford English Dictionary, so that isn't really what I'm worried about at the moment. Right. You were sort of chasing miscreants off the land, that kind of thing? Yes, I mean I sometimes shout at strangers, move between outbuildings in a disconcerting manner. These are listed on the job description, but in many ways I see myself as a latter-day Diogenes, or Aristotle, a thinker freed from the rough structure of academia, and allowing his thoughts to roam as freely as the ferrets with whom I share. my bed. Right. Are you being paid in that role, or is it more of a voluntary thing? No, no. It's actually set up by the National Trust and the previous government. They were keen

to have more rural hermits in place in areas of natural beauty, or if you draw the short straw or don't know the right hand to shake, then yes, you end up outside a... a decommissioned power station in Lincolnshire. But it's an important job, I think, and one at which truly I excel. Okay. Now, obviously, we're here. We're talking about the late Queen Elizabeth II. I don't know if you ever got a chance to meet, Her Majesty.

Yes, in my more eminent days. As a history professor, I was invited to one of the Queen's many garden parties. There was also another occasion where I did attempt to chain myself to her horse at the drooping of the colour. as an act of protest that now I realize was indelicate to the body of a then 93-year-old woman. But, you know, as she was stretched away, I think I saw a glimpse of that steadfastness, that dignity,

and of course that tremendous humour that we'd all come to love about her. Because she called you a stupid prick, didn't she? That's right, yes, yes, yes. Is that kind of wits that she had, she could turn it on? I mean, again, just like that, you know, from nowhere, you know, I was touched. You say you went to a garden party at the palace as well? Yes, yes. Because I don't think you've got an MBE.

No, no, that's right. Yes, I was actually put on the list for people who can never receive an MBE. And an audience... And that's usually posthumous, isn't it? Yes, yes, that is, yes. That sometimes if they think your internet search history is interesting enough, they will put a preemptive ban on any honours. it was very much

they found in the past it's been a very much a kind of stable door after the beef has wandered kind of situation but no and interestingly that also came with an official ceremony so I was I was anti-nighted by the

Queen that's when she pulls a sword out of you that's right yes it was a surprise to me she removes a sword from the back of your neck and then you were unceremoniously kicked out of the gardens and told

you can never be chairman of a major company. Okay. Just a major company though? Yes, no. I mean, again, luckily, the 572 minor companies to which I am still registered chairman in the states of Jersey, Anguilla and Tajikistan,

remain fully accountable. Great. And what was your impression of her when you met her then for that? So many. Oh, I'm the Queen. that was that didn't and it didn't go down well if I'm honest with you

she did have a serious side and I think for matters of state you should not be impersonating them to their face Andrew loved it though Andrew was a rascal he came up to me afterwards and he said

good on you mate that you've done well there and there's a line of something in the toilets for you I never found out what it was It was a line of credit, wasn't it? That's it, yes, yes, it was to a merchant bank in Basel That's right, yes. Now, obviously you're a historian.

The Queen, Queen Elizabeth II obviously was a servant of beef. She was a very pro-beef monarch and that's why we're here to celebrate her today. If you look back in history, is that unusual for a monarch to be so pro-beef? I mean, absolutely not. We should never underestimate the role that Her Majesty played in pushing forward the beef agenda.

But royalty and beef have gone hand in hand since... Hand in hand. Hand in hand. So I know you're getting emotional. It's understandable. It's still raw, isn't it? You're talking about the... The beef, yes.

It's... Just crack an egg on top of that. Lovely. Many British monarchs, British monarchs especially, have always been a pro-beef, as you say. Charles II, of course, the merry monarch, and it's impossible to find any merriment without beef. Famously, his mistress, Nell Gwynn, was herself a Frisian heifer. Which again is something that history has overlooked for a long time, but we have to understand that in the seven, 17th century, Nell Gwynn was a famous actress. It was very new to the world of theatre,

and it was considered quite disgusting, rightfully, so that a woman should be allowed to participate in the performing arts in any manner, certainly less disgusting than the thought of a reigning monarch having full sex with a cow. So Charles de Sacken, obviously, a big beef guy. If we go further back, is there any... Oh, even, I mean, throughout the medieval period, William Rufus, of course, the son of William the Conqueror very much looking to cement his position as a legitimate king he was entirely surrounded by by beef at all times he filled the great hall of Windsor Castle with cattle sometimes stacked eight eight high and then in the Christmas of 1068 he was himself nearly trampled to death by by his Christmas.

as cattle. In the end, the roof was fitted with hinges. They would just be pouring more cattle in the top. It became dangerous. This was then by the reign of Richard II that the rollers become more ceremonial.

So it became understood that a king did not, a king's power was not judged solely by the tonnage of cattle around his body because it was very difficult to even run messages to him you couldn't understand what he was saying. A lot of royal proclamations throughout the 11th and 12th centuries,

if you translate directly from the Latin, appear to just be, help. Help me. I am completely surrounded by angry and sad cattle. Is it true that George, was it George III? He put out word to all the scientists in the kingdom that he wanted to create a cow that. could circumnavigate the globe. That's absolutely right.

Yes, in the golden age of exploration, and we think of the great voyages, the circumnavigation by George Anson, and this is the golden age of the Royal Navy. And the discovery of longitude, of course, meant that the ships of the Royal Navy could go farther, they could last longer, and spread the message of British civilization,

enlightenment values, and syphilis to parts of the world that had never existed. experienced that level of sophistication. The problem was how do you feed a ship's crew? If you're going to sail around the world, if you're going to discover the Northwest Passage, then you're going to need some beef, aren't you? You're going to need a cow that can last for years, some to hardy sea-going cattle. And this was where the, it was a watchmaker originally John Dickinson of Clarkenwell who invented the manatee, a form of sea cow that could be farmed,

and feds to sailors. It's kind of like an early jet ski, wasn't it? Absolutely, yes. Nelson himself at the Battle of the Nile, Rode a manatee, and that's how he lost his eye. Well, James Harkham, this has been very enlightening.

Thank you very much. James Harkham, everyone. This edition of Beef and Dairy Network Live is brought to you by Mitchell's Angels, our new Worldwide Network of Local Representatives. Not only are they available 24-7 for any queries about our products or services, we're now trialing an innovative new feature,

which will let your local Mitchell's Angel rep explain to you now. Draw a goldfish. I can get you a goldfish like that. But what kind of fish will you give me in return? They're so helpful. And remember, if it's not Mitchells, get back in the truck. Now, before I introduce our next guests, well, it's a bit awkward. They don't know that the Queen has died. Okay?

They're just a little bit funny about it, so we're just not going to mention it. Okay? Nobody mention it. Okay? Now, with that in mind, please put your hands together for King Penegor and Amanda.

Hello and welcome to Jonathan Tonzano. King Penegore. No, sorry, of course. Jonathan Tonzano. Penegore. Penangar. Tonzano. Penhazano.

Penhazago. No. Please welcome King Pentagon. Thank you. I am honored to stand in your court. Good man. I hope that my presence brings you as much honour as your invitation has brought me. And to the audience, thank you. Your welcome is as warm as the blood that surely courses still through Queen Elizabeth's veins. Yes, right. Now, many of our listeners will be familiar with you, King Pentagon. You've been on the show before, but some won't, so maybe you can introduce yourself to the audience here.

Of course, of course. You stand before King Pentagon, Master of the Lowlands. My kingdom stretches from the glimmer. marshes of Calroon to the dark shores of the Black Lakes of Gimbadour. It is a beautiful kingdom indeed, although it pales in comparison with the beautiful visage of Queen Elizabeth II. Right, and you are joined by your companion Amanda? Yes, yes, that's right. Allow me to introduce my most trusted travelling companion, Amanda, the magical Jordie. Yariot?

It's me. Amanda, the magical Jordy Amanda, wonderful to meet you. Did I hear you correctly when you just said that you're a magical Jordy? Aye, yeah, that's right. Always here, Pennego's right hand with a little magic trick

to keep his spirits up. That's right. If I'm ever feeling down and blue, perhaps I'm imagining the death of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the second, for example. I turn to Amanda and she pulls something magic

out of her sack. Wow, brilliant. Amanda, could you do a trick for us here today? Oh, yeah, I, please. I've never done a magic trick in front of an audience this big before. Right. So, watch as I plunge my hand into my magic sack. And...

Oh, no. What's the matter, Amanda? Trick over! What's in the sack, Amanda? 25 dead pigeons. Okay, let's move on, I think. What brings you here, King Pentagon? Well, as you are well aware, I have long ruled over my subjects,

the humble folk of the lowlands. I possess treasures beyond imagining, the enchanted sapphire of croon, the ruby eyes torn from the dragon that guards the sacred port of dogs rock, a 2009 Hyundai I-10. Yet for all my wealth and power, There remains one prize that eludes me.

Oh, yeah. What is that, King Penigal? I ascended to the throne as a wailing infant, swaddled only in reeds, plucked from the crimson waters of the river Pell Fatun by the Black Witch of Gimbadour, who discerned my royal blood and set me upon the lowland throne. Yet, I have never known my true parentage. Ah, I see. I believe that to know my blood is to know myself, and also, So, I must ensure, beyond doubt, that I share no kinship with the detested Greg Wallace.

Is that a genuine worry for you, King Penningall? Sometimes, when I'm presented with a bread and butter pudding, I will go lively. So I would just like to rule it out. Fair enough. so why has your quest brought you here to the United Kingdom well legend whispers that the only way to ascertain my lineage is to gaze upon a certain tattoo a tattoo that displays the bloodlines of every royal family

stretching back to Adam and Eve and that tattoo is on the back of her living majesty Queen Elizabeth the second oh okay so so seeing the queen's back is the only way you'll ever know who your parents were yes it's that or ancestry dot com but i don't like computers beg on wretched magical calculator

to thee i say 531 8008 yes that's right turn it upside down i just said boobies okay i see but but but why now because in some ways now might not be the best time to be trying to do this quite the opposite four years ago the news reached me that Prince Philip, the old racist bastard,

had died. And so I knew it was time that I set off that day on my journey to England so that I may seduce the queen and see her back tattoo. Right. I hear that sexually she goes like a train. She carries on for hours

as long as you keep shoveling coal in. Oh, God. No, no. But wait, wait, wait. When you said, Terry, when you said that now may not be the best time to attempt this, what did you mean? Oh, no, I don't think you should worry about that.

Amanda, the magical jewelry, why don't you try another magic trick, eh? I, okay. Why don't we see what's under my heart? Oh, no. It's a dead dove. It's a dead dove. It's a dead dove.

I'm sorry, pet. I'm absolutely shite at this. Nonsense! By the steel of my ancestors and the watchful eyes of the grey knights of the frozen waists. I vow, she is more than capable of this sorcery.

You don't have to lie, Faris King, Pena Gopet. The truth is, I've never successfully done any magic. Oh. I know. Some magical Jodie I am. Bare even a Jody.

You sound like, a Jodie to me, Amanda? Aye, but I've never even been to Newcastle. I've lived in the lowlands all my life. I was found as a baby by King Penaigour in the moat outside of his palace, wrapped in a copy of Viz magazine. But when I started talking, I had this accent.

And so I believe I was born in Newcastle. I have no memories of it, but all I have is this tattered photograph of Alan Shearer and I believe him to be my father and my mother Jimmy Neal Ah!

What a treat for our American listeners and to be honest anyone under the age of 40 who I'm sure will have heard of both of those men I too had not heard of Jimmy Neil when Amanda told me but I now know him to be a popular actor and singer from Newcastle.

Perhaps best known for his 1994, number four, charting single, Crocodile Shoes. Thank you, King Penningle. Now, not to question your theory, Amanda, but Jimmy Nail, as far as I know, is a cisgendered man. So how could he have been your mother?

He is a man, but not a lot of people know this, right? But he's got a crocodile's womb. Sorry, did you say crocodile's womb? Crocodile's womb. I, yeah. I believe I was birthed from Jimmy Nail's crocodile womb. And I hatched from a leathery egg. And that's what gives me magical powers.

Yeah, we're still yet to see any of these magical powers, Amanda. Well, right. You wait until you see what I've got up my sleeve. Oh, friggin' hell. Another dead bird. Oh, I wish. So as you see, we both had unfinished business here in England. And so we began our journey on foot. We passed through the misty marshes of Merkwallow,

where the reeds whispered secrets of King's long dead. We trudged across the shimmering sands of Salandria. We skirted the howling peaks of Mount Nald's spire. were navigated the labyrinthine forest of twisted pines. We traversed the frozen falls of Fjornheim. Then we crossed the obsidian canyons of Inixia. The murmuring meadows of Melanchor. The ever-stormed hills of Eldrath.

Yeah, I think we get it now. You've come a long way. We get it. The shadowed marshes of Mondraal. The glimmering hills of Eldarion. Yeah, we get it. The crystal wood forests of Thelor. The gilded spires of Aranthiel.

Yeah, we get it. Ironwood barons of Sarnath. Shattered cliffs of Mer. Bloodstone canyons of Dalyons of Dalyms. Dromier. We get it! Frostvale Tundra of Hallandau. Until finally, we reached Belgium.

Thank God. But what we didn't know was that we'd been pursued the whole way by the Riddlewitch of Torn. I am the Riddlewitch of Tarn, and I have followed you these long years across the misty marshes of Merkwallow. The shimmering sands of... Salandria, Mount Nalgespire, the labyrinthine forest of twisted pines, the frozen falls of Fjornheim. Truncate your list, foul, witch! And now I'm here in Belgium.

What do you want from me, Crone? I will let you continue your quest if you answer my riddle. What melts like ice Yet burns like fire What flies like a bird Yet cannot tire Hmm Well perhaps you should solve the riddle

Of my cold steel Yeah! Take that foul witch Oh, I'm sorry Are you the British Railway Network Before 1994 because you just got publicly owned. So after Penaigour killed the witch,

we began to attract the interests of Belgian have-a-go heroes who thought they could bring them down, but they were wrong. By this point, I was killing Belgians without discrimination. And the streets of Belgium ran red with the Belgian blood of red-blooded Belgians. he went absolutely mental You see I've never felt at ease in Europe I think it's their obsession with using B-days Do not bid me wash my anus

It is building up a patina And it was then As he was ranting about his hard-won patina The police arrived Excuse me sir Here in Belgium we do not murder people with a No, we usually poison them With a delicious pastry of some sort

Unhand me, constable For I am sovereign of a realms Beyond your petty jurisdiction Taste cold steel Please, show me mercy Please, si you play Whatever please is in Flemish I have a Belgian wife

And three beautiful Belgian children Tell me Do you have a bee? day in your bathroom. Naturally more. Of course, my, my anus shines like the gilded halo of the Archangel Gabriel.

Then may your anus turn red with Belgian blood. La! No! No! Whatever no is in Flemish! And then we got on the Euro star? Hello, sir, do you have a ticket?

Cold steel! Ah! And we're arrived in London. Welcome to London. Welcome to the end of my blade. Yes! And then we're arrived here, and he hasn't stabbed anyone with his sword. Not yet.

I see. So we would appreciate your help giving us directions to our final destination, the capital of your fair country, the bedewled city of Aylesbury. where I shall meet and seduce her majesty. Apparently, sexually, shaghan's like a train. If you don't pay for a ticket, she throws you off. Unless you're in the toilet.

Right, well, we'll think about helping you out later somehow, but for now, thank you to King Pentegore and Amanda the Magical Jordie. Anyway, now, now, back to our commemoration. Now, we all have an idea of what the Queen was like from her public persona, but we wanted to get closer to the real Elizabeth. And so earlier this week, I interviewed staff members from the Royal Household to find out what she was really like.

Jacinda was one of her human footstools. I used to sit and watch the Crown with her, which was hard, not just because she had her feet on my neck, but because every time a new character came on screen, whether it was Princess Margaret or the Archbishop of her. Canterbury, she shouts slag and start throwing jewels at the screen.

Alex was one of her concubines. Aye, she used to throw food out to the poor from her carriage. Handfuls of what looked like hot beef mince straight into their grateful faces. But actually it was poisoned horse meat.

Those people would nearly to see midnight. Not really sure why she did that. Wonderful woman though. Sexually, she went like a train. In that she had a special compartment where you can study her bike. Rosemary was one of the Queen's ladies in waiting.

I remember vividly one time I was getting dressed for our first beef breakfast of the day, the big rubber outfit with the gristle collecting babe and the integrated bone so. And I was just zipping up the rubber face mask and the gravy snorkel. Prince Andrew burst in with all hams clinging to his greasy chin

and she said, what have you been doing? And he said, Mummy, I've been eating breakfast hams. And then she screamed, Liar! If you'd been eating meat, you'd have the meat sweats. Just like your beef guzzling mother.

And he said, but mother, I can't sweat. And at this our eyes sort of turned dark And she spun around to face him and screamed You'll be sweating When I stop paying your legal face, you pervert! This edition of Beef and Dairy Network Live is brought to you by

Mitchell's Angels, Our new worldwide network of local representatives. Right, there's a rumor going round. the last Christmas I shoved a christingle on my ass it's not true it's not true nobody could do that

now when I think back to that awful day with the news reader Hugh Edwards introducing footage of Liz Truss announcing the Queen's death it's amazing to think that almost none of that is a thing anymore

we are very lucky to have our next guest here one of the last people to see the Queen Alive please welcome former Prime Minister Liz Truss Hello Hello Hello yeah it's me Yeah hello It's me Liz Truss

Wow Hello Liz You're so happy to see me hello Now for listeners You know we can all see you in here but for listeners who can't see you, I'll just explain that you are dressed as a giant lettuce. Yeah. Okay, yeah, that's right.

I actually, I was pleased when, you know, those jokes happened surrounding the lettuce. Because, yeah, the joke was, of course, that you wouldn't be Prime Minister long enough to see a lettuce wilt. Well, yeah, but, you know, for me, I enjoy that kind of humour. And, you know, I actually built on it

and have made a success of it by bringing out a children's book. That's right now. So Liz is here. We'd obviously like to hear about your experience amazing the Queen. She said she'd only come on if we plugged to children's books,

so maybe you can introduce it. There it is. There it is. It's the little lettuce who saved the economy, brackets in the long term, despite what her detractors might say. So, you know,

I have been passionate about children, literature for at least three months and you know if it's good enough for David Walliams it's good enough for me and frankly if everyone else is doing it why can't I and so I did right now we want to talk to you of course about meeting the Queen you are famously one of the last people to see her alive but also about my book right yes so as you can as you'll see when you read it you know the deep state is represented presented by red peppers with frowny faces

and the woke bank of England is a lettuce draw. Right, okay let's talk about your time meeting the Queen. Okay, yeah. Now obviously you became Prime Minister at a time of great political turmoil. Yeah. In a way you seemed to come from nowhere, you really had a kind of meteoric

rise by which I mean you crashed into the ground on fire. No. What was it like when you met the Queen? You know, it was a great day. for her and me we had a lot in common we you know

we really saw eye to eye on a lot of things and so much can be said without words and it was and I it did okay what about the persistent rumours that you told her your plan for the economy and then she instantly died

no no you're wrong about that actually but the fact remains that you went to see her and then very shortly after which she was dead. I'm sorry to interrupt. What did you just say? Oh, nothing. Sorry, King Pentagon.

I'm interviewing a former Prime Minister here. I have been listening to the interview from the backstage area and I can't believe what I've been hearing. Can it be true that Queen Elizabeth, my only hope of knowing my true parentage, is dead? Yep, she's dead.

As dead as the annual Christmas party I throw with quasi-quarteng. I'm sorry, King Pentagon. is true sound the bells until their iron tongues are worn smooth let every banner in the realm

be dipped in black pitch summon the hornblowers let every chorister in the seven kingdoms bellow the requiem until their lungs burst may the bird chorus say the queen of England is dead and I King Pentagon

am adrift I'm so sorry pet not only has the world lost a truly wonderful person but also buried is the back tattoo, the hallowed human vellum upon which she's rendered my last chance of finding out

who my parents were and whether I'm related to the despicable knave Greg Wallace Amanda please a magic trick to lift my spirits But I can't do magic tricks King Penaigua, you know?

Oh, for heaven's sake, commander. I brought you here across the misty marshes of Merkwallow, the shimmering sands of Salandria, the howling peaks of Mount Gnals. Aye, Anna, I was there. Oh, sorry. No, well, know this. My faith in thee is as unshakable

as the stones of my granite throne. By my crown, I beseech thee. Conjure forth thy wonder. Okay, I'll have a go. Right, yeah, goos. Amanda, you did it. What? You made Queen Elizabeth's backskin appear.

This whole thing, I've been using it as a tea towel. Oh, so you didn't make it appear, Amanda? No, but I did just pull this dead eel out of my trousers. You discarded premiere How is it How is it that you have the faded backskin in your possession? Well, you know, my mum said when I went to see the queen Bring back a souvenir for your old mum

And she said make sure it's something that no one else could get And I couldn't think of anything truly unique Until it hit me And I had one of my good Liz truss ideas and I thought I'll tear the skin off her back. So I tore off her back skin. When I got it home to mum, she was horrified, so I've had it ever since.

Let me gaze upon it so that I may know the truth of my forebears. Yeah, here you go. Damn, it is written in the runes of the cave people of Frondarmier. Please, please, allow me, hello. Professor James Harkham, historian, I learned how to read the runes of the cave people of Frondomere in my second year at Swansea University when I wasn't out getting totally lashed up like a bloody ruddy legend.

You, pompous academe, please read the runes so that I may know my true self. Okay, well, it's a bit harder than it might be because it looks like she also had a red-hot chili peppers tattoo on her back. It's a bit complicated. Make hasten. Okay. Okay.

So I found you here. Quentin Penegor, the 15th. Yes, yes. Fascinating. Absolutely. This can't be right. What is it, James? Every one of your ancestors, going back 35 generations,

is called Jonathan Tonzano. Tonzano? Tonzano? Donzano? Jonathan, Tonzano! Tonzano! Jonathan! Tanzano! Right, stop right there.

Stop! This is a police raid. Sorry, um, the police. We're in the middle of a show here, and these two men are shouting the word Tonzano at each other. I am here to arrest this man, who's no doubt introduced himself to you as King Penegore or some nonsense. Damn it, when she addressed me by my full title, His Sacred Majesty King Pentagon of the Lowland Folk, Lord of the Seven Pits of Gabralor, defender of the Sacred Hammer, keeper of the moon calf, and sovereign of all. I'm arresting you for the offence of impersonated and medieval fantasy king. and also the lesser charges of several murders.

I killed only those who deserved it. I vanquished the evil riddlewitch of Tarn. Okay, right. There is no riddle witch of Tarn. That woman who you killed was a totally innocent Belgian lollipop lady. Are you sure? We've been chasing this man across the whole of Europe. He's not King Pinnagor. No, his true identity is Barry, and he works in a pin factory.

Barry, is this true? Making pins, making pins, making pins all day. Long pins, short pins, pins, pins. If the pins go wrong we put them in the bins. I make pins, pins, pins. So, Barry, what was all that King Penegore stuff about? Well, working in the pin factory, because I do, you know, I work in a pin factory.

I don't know if you knew that. Things can get quite monotonous. Make one pin, then make the next pin, then another pin. By then, it's time for another pin. Then another pin. So my mind began to wonder, and I imagined someone completely unlike myself. someone powerful, exciting, and someone who doesn't have to make pins all day. Suddenly, the breakroom isn't just the break room, it's the chamber of forgotten spells.

The toilets are the gilded throne room of Penagore. Suddenly, the corridor with the vending machine is my grand hall of concubines. And before you know it, I'm having sex with the vending machine. And then, of course, that just. leads to buying a sword off Facebook marketplace and it all gets out of hand but I just want to say

Amanda my time spent walking around Belgium stabbing people with you was the best time of my life thank you Pat right Barry there's no pins where you're going jail

I work in a pin factory I'll let you get back to your little show. Wow. Amanda, how are you feeling after that? Well, I found that last section a bit confusing, if I'm honest. But as for me,

despite everything that's happened, I'm still no closer to finding out if I was born from Jimmy Nail's crocodile womb. Do you mean Jimmy Nail, the popular actor and singer from Newcastle, perhaps best known for his 1994 number four charting single, Crocodile Shoes?

right. And I've still never done anything magic. You know, maybe... I'm thinking that maybe magic just doesn't even exist. I'm the worst magical Georgie in the Seven Kingdoms. Um, Amanda, can I give you some advice? Amanda, I wouldn't take any advice from this trust. No, no, hear me out. I felt like you once. But if my experience in the Conservative Party has taught me anything, it's that magic does exist. You know, how else would someone as actually thick

as me become the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom? All you need is to believe it and it can come true. As long as you're well-connected enough and you went to Oxford, you can make any dream a reality. You know, isn't that magic?

I just have one dream. My dream is to meet Jimmy Neal, the popular actor and singer from Newcastle. perhaps best known for his 1994 number four charting hit single, Crocodile Shoes. Well, I believe in you, Amanda. Thank you, Liz Tross. I'm going to believe in my dream and make it a reality.

Hi, everyone. It's me, Harder's Nails Jimmy Nail. The popular actor and singer from Newcastle. Perhaps best known for my 1994, number four charting single, Crocodile Shoes. Oh my God, I did it? Hang on, hang on, you're not Jimmy Nail. Jimmy Nail's a Geordie. Not so, dear chap. I was a promising young singer from the Buckinghamshire Town of Aylesbury.

As soon as I signed my record contract, the big cheeses in the record company started changing things about me to make me be more marketable. They told me I had to put on a. a Geordie accent, Y-I man. And worst of all, they told me that I had to hide the truth

about my crocodile womb. So it is true that you have a crocodile womb? Indeed, I do. When I was travelling as a young man after my A-levels, I lost a bet in a dockside bard in Cambodia. The next morning, I woke up in a bath full of ice,

my money and passport gone, with a saltwater crocodile's womb grafted onto my bowl bag. It was a great inspiration for my songs until, of course, the record label made me change the lyrics to my single from crocodile womb to crocodile shoes. I think if we'd stuck with crocodile womb,

we'd have got to number one, don't you think? Probably not. So, Amanda, I believe that you think you were born from one of my leathery, eggs. Hi, Jimmy, I believe I was. It's plausible.

You have all the hallmarks of one of my thousands of children. The bright eyes, the glossy hair, the stinking cloaca, the long, scaly snout with 60

razor-sharp teeth. Oh, father! Come here, my girl. Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! This is a police Oh, what now, the police? Sorry, I'm sorry, everyone. When I arrested Barry earlier, I should have arrested her, too. She's an accessory to murder.

Amanda the magical Jordie? Oh, right. She's giving you that story, is she? She's not called Amanda. It's true. My name is Barbara. I'm not a magical Jordie. I work... Well, I work in a pin factory.

Oh, for God's sake. Making pins, making pins all day, long thin needles, starby ends, the pins are my only friends Pins, pins, pins I make pins I'm also going to arrest this man who claims to be Jimmy Nail Why, what's he done wrong?

Nothing illegal, I just think he's weird and I don't like it. Fair play. Ah, and it's true. I'm not hard as nails, Jimmy Nail. The truth is, My life is less about nails. And more about pins.

You see, I work in a pin factory. enough of that come on you two I work in a pin factory I work in a pin factory well I guess that's the end of the show But how do we make sense of what we've just seen?

Maybe with a song. And like all good songs, I want you to join in for the chorus. Okay? I think you're going to know it. It goes like this. Crocodile woo crocodile woo crocodile woo crocodile woo

crocodile woo I think you can do that let's have a practice, ready? So Crocodile roo Crocodile roo Crocodile woo Crocodile woo

That was very beautiful Let's do it T flags and pageants all the time Though there's a king, she's still always on my mind. The rain falls down, she's really gone. Hot flow my tears as I cry and eat a swan. Corgi still howl in the moonlight gleam. guarding the gates of a long-dead phantom queen.

Crocodile woo, crocodile woo, crocodile, rooo, crocodile, roooo, crocodile, rooooo, crocodile, boo, crocodile, Thank you. Thanks to Tom Crowley, Sammy Dobson, Susan Harrison, Mike Shepard, Mike Wozniak, Lanier Sage, and although you didn't hear them on this recording, we also had an amazing performance from The Dairy King, which needs to be seen rather than heard. Also, thank you to Greg Johnson,

who did all the video visuals on the day, and you can't see those on this, but he did a really good job. And thanks, of course, to everyone who came along. What fun it was. If you'd like to see the live show with your eyes, with all the bits that would cut out for this audio version, you can still buy a streaming ticket up until the end of the month, I think. And I will put a link to that in the show notes.

Okay, bye. Hi, I'm Alexis. I'm one of the co-host of Comfort Creatures, and I'm here with River Jew, who has been a member since 2019. Thank you so much for being a little. listener and the support of our show. Yeah, I can't believe it's been that long. Yeah, right?

As the Mex Fund member of the month, can I ask what sort of made you decide to be a member? I used to work in a library, so I just used to listen to podcasts while I reshelfed all the books, really helped with doing it at work. So I just wanted to give back to what's been helping me. Yeah. It feels good to be part of that. As the member of the month, you will be getting a 25. dollar gift card to the Maximum Fun store, a member of the month bumper sticker, and you also,

if you're ever in Los Angeles, you can get a parking spot at the MaxFun HQ just for you. Yay. I'm actually going to L.A. in September, so I'll get to use the parking. Yes. Thank you so much, River, for doing this. This has been an absolute blast. Yeah, of course. I've been so glad to be able to talk to you, too, and I'm so excited to be a member of the month. Yay. Become a MaxFund member now at maximum fun.org slash join. Hey, everybody, I'm Jeremy. I'm Oscar.

I'm Dimitre. And we are the Eurovangelists. For a weekly podcast, spreading the word of the Eurovision song contest the most important music competition in the world. Maybe you already heard

Glenn Weldon of NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour talk up our coverage of this year's contest, but what do we talk about in the off season? The rest of Eurovision, duh.

There are nearly seven decades of pop music history to cover. Mm-hmm. We've got thousands of amazing songs, inspiring competitors, and so much drama to discuss. And let me tell you, the drama is juicy. Plus, all the gorillas and breadbaking grandmas that make Eurovision so special.

Check out your evangelists available everywhere you get podcast. And you could be a Eurovangelist too. Ooh, I want to be one. You already are. It's that easy. Oh, okay. Cool. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows.

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