Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 127 - Beef Pie

Episode Date: October 30, 2025

Tom Crowley, Anna Leong Brophy, Cody Dahler, Gemma Arrowsmith, Sammy Dobson, Gareth Gwynn and Linnea Sage join in this week as we hear a ground breaking audio horror drama from 1985.Written by Tom CrowleyEpisode art by Tom CrowleyStock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.comMusic credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com:Staionary Sign / Haunted PlayhousePinao Concerto No. 23 in A major, K. 488 1. Allegro - Mozart  / Mira MaSynthetic Tides / In RuinsDeath On Mars / Etienne Roussel 

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is brought to you by Phantom Blend, the new spooky Halloween animal feed from Mitchells. If it's not Mitchells, get back in the coffin. But what's spooky about Phantom Blend, I hear you ask? Well, what is spooky as ends the unknown? Each bag is completely unlabeled, so you don't. know what's in phantom blend and neither do we thanks dracula exclusively this month we've mixed the contents of several reject bins overflow hoppers waste silos extractor fans and miscellaneous piles so we don't know

what's in it but it's sure to give your herd a spooky time for 10% off your order of phantom blend. Simply use the code, Ooh. Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website.

as well as the printed magazine. Brought to you by Mitchell's spooky phantom blend. Because, of course, it's Halloween, or for many of you, beeferween, where children go door-to-door, dressed as butchers, requesting beef. This month, we have a spooky audio treat for you, brought to us by Beef and Dairy Archivist, Alex Neon. Alex Neon, thank you for talking with me today.

Thanks very much for having me on. Now, I always love talking to you, Alex, because obviously your job is to rummage through the Beef and Dairy Archive and find some little gems for us, and you always bring up something interesting. What is it we've got this week, Alex? Well, this is so exciting because this is something I thought was completely lost to history. I never thought we'd get to hear this. But today I'm bringing you a landmark audio drama from 1985. There's a number of firsts today, a first in beef broadcasting, and some first in. Broadcasting in general in this realm. It is the drama Beef Pie, which was written by and starred Roger Westcott Le Magrale. Now, I'm sure many listeners will have heard of Beef Pie. It has kind of cult status. Most people know the basics. It was commissioned, I think, by the British Beef Council. And until now, it was thought that it had been lost to history.

Yeah, that's right. So the important thing about this is that it was, released on cassette only. We are talking the absolute height of the Walkman here and the British Peace Council wanted to capture that youth audience. So they thought the best thing they could do was to release something straight to cassette for youngsters to listen to while they were on the move. And the decision was that they would do an audio drama. Audio drama, of course, huge amongst teenagers in the 80s. Yeah, absolutely massive. And it was very much a promotional tool. We all remember the egg marketing board releasing Cracket, which was a huge hit. And, you know, kids loved it. They did great business for them egg-wise. So the British Beef Council wanted a slice of that.

And I guess they wanted a slice of the fame of Roger Westcott Lamegrale at that time. Well, they counted themselves very lucky to get hold of Roger Westcott Lamegray. He was an incredibly respected actor, Shakespearean actor. Of course. He was unexpectedly free in the mid-80s. He'd spent the early 80s in Geoffrey the Talking Van, the sort of British adaptation of Knight Rider. It was that sort of era. He negotiated his contract so that he would have complete creative control over the project.

Is that right? Yeah, that's right. The British Beef Council were more than happy to give that to him. And so he took the money, a sizable budget for a radio drama of the era. and used it to make what can only be described as quite a grotty horror. And is it fair to say then that British Beef Council weren't necessarily pleased with what they got back once Roger had left the studio? They were furious for a number of reasons.

First of all, that it was a horror in the first place. They'd never expected that. And secondly, that he had used this project to write the very first audio drama sex scene. Now, that's why this – I mean, it's got that cult status, as I said. people talk about the rumoured sex scene so you can confirm that that is true it's the first ever audio drama sex scene yeah it is I'm not aware of one before

or that many since if I'm completely honest it's not something that caught on this was something that Sir Roger introduced and completely failed to turn into a genre in and of itself partly because

the Beef Council refused to distribute the cassette. They first of all didn't think it would be a good tool for them from a promotional point of view. Secondly, they weren't entirely sure where they stood legally on an audio recording of this nature

and so they worked swiftly to try and hide the fact that this ever happened. They would have liked this tape to never get out. They would have liked it to have been erased there and then. So how is it then, Alex, that we have copies of beef pie

because, of course, copies did circulate in the 80s. That's how it gained its cult status. Where did those come from? Roger found himself in a bit of a fix. First of all, they didn't want to distribute his play. Secondly, the Beef Council wanted their money back. They felt that this was a breach of contract, that he had handed something in that was fundamentally undistributable.

And Roger's plan was to take the audio, make his own copies at home, and try and sell them in the back of magazines. that was where things like this got distributed at the time, at the back of private eye and things like that. You'd have seen those little adverts, you know, a couple of pounds take out an advert, a short description of what it was.

And I think that mixture of horror and the first audio sex scene did mean that a couple of people sent their stamped address envelope and their postal order for a couple of pounds to Roger and were sent copies of the cassette. So we've always known that they were sent out. What we heard in most cases, people listened to it and threw it away and discussed. This is why there's so few of them in circulation. It's why I thought I'd never get to hear it.

I thought it was going to be like that computer game version of E.T, that it was just so awful no one hung on to a copy. What actually happened was that some people hung onto it, it gained a kind of cult status amongst, frankly, deviant. and it's thanks to those absolute wrong uns that I'm able to bring it to you today. Well, Alex, just, again, a big thank you for doing this. You've come up with the goods once again, and I have to say, I'm very excited to listen to this. It's very exciting. You know, what you're about to hear now is a real piece of beef history, and the thing to bear in mind, I think, as you approach it, and, you know, as you get ready to hear something, which is, you know, really is a landmark drama.

is that, you know, above and beyond anything else, it is absolute dog shit. Well, thank you, Alex. I look forward to listening to it, and let's listen to it together, and I'll catch up with you at the end. I'll speak to you later. Hello, and thank you for purchasing this La Megrella Media cassette. My legal advisor, John Wasabi, clever man, fabulous wife, tells me that I must warn you that the following drama contains extreme simulated violence, extreme simulated sexual content, and strong, continuous discussion of the dark beef arts.

Those with weak hearts, heads, lungs, livers, or anuses are discouraged from listening further. But if you think you can handle it, be my guest. Oh, Christ. Nearly followed through. And don't forget, be kind, rewind. And don't let me see you in this upscale Soho cocktail bar again. Throwing a girl out for snorting coke off a mirror toilet seat. And you call yourself a classy establishment.

Clear off! Brilliant, that's the end of my night, I suppose. Just when I convinced that bloat to buy me a chinsano and lime and lemonade and Pepsi. Oh well. Might as well just go home and look up rude names in the yellow pages. Hello? Who's there? Oh, what's that smell?

I'm telling you feel hungry for some reason. Hello? Gary? Gary, is that you? You smell like dog food or something. You've been kissing that guy dog again. Beef Pie. An audio immersive bovine horror gasm on tape. A La Megrellea Media production, written by, directed by, and starring me, Roger Westcott LaMegrolet.

Also featuring the voices of others. When I first moved to the throbbing capital to attend London Bovine University, my grandmother warned me about a few things. She said never to get in a minicab I hadn't booked, never to drink the water south of Piccadilly, and never to go to Madam Two Swords because it's shit. But she could never have prepared me for the grotesque, clammy horrors that I encountered that dreadful October.

My name is Adrienne Spouter, and this is what happened to me after my flatmate was smashed into a big wet pulp in a Soho alleyway. Hello 14B, Adrian Spouter, Oh, hello. Yes, I heard earlier this morning. My flatmate, Tamsin, was pulped to death by an unknown assailant last night, the latest in a string of similar grizzly murders. No, I don't know if she was out with anyone last night. No, I can't think of anyone who might have had any reason to want to pulp her. No, I don't think she would have been interested in changing her travel insurance provider. Well, I certainly don't think she would be now. All right, goodbye. Bloody sales calls. Clive, I'm worried. You've got nothing to worry about, babe. I told you. you. Aside from the fact that several students attending our bovine university have been killed in brutal attacks in the local area. Yes, but apart from that, what is there to worry about?

He was fun company, kept himself clean and had nice long eyelashes, but it wasn't exactly what I'd imagined my first boyfriend would be like. Gosh, boyfriend, is that really how I thought of him then? No, arm candy. Steady piece? Sex pig. No, gentleman friend, that'll do. just got to look out for ourselves and we'll be fine. It's like my father always says, before you cross the street to piss on someone who's on fire, remember, that's your piss you're wasting. Clive, I don't think I ever told you what happened to my parents, did I? Well, we've only been going out for a week. What can I tell you now? Um, no. Yes, sorry, yeah, sure. Well, have you not bothered, forget it. No, no, I want to hear, really. No, no, it's nothing. All right,

don't tell me then. But it's not just that, Clive. What else? It's the sex, Clive. I'm worried we're not doing it right. What? What makes you say that? Well, I'm not enjoying it very much. You're not supposed to. You're the girl. Still? Adrienne, love, I told you, I watched an instructional video before we started. We've been following the steps absolutely to the letter.

Clive. Look, you've had a shock. Your flatmate's just been crushed into a paste. Your head's all over the place. What do you say we finish our espresso and kippers and then head over to lectures? Oh, well, I could certainly use a good kipper. That's my girl. Life at LBU was fun, though I still had no idea what I was going to specialize in.

In fact, I had no idea what I was going to do with the rest of my life at all. Maybe I'd just end up marrying a middle-aged sports presenter and living off him, like all my school friends. But until I found my way, my history of cow art course let me dabble in all sorts of topics. Beef Arcana had quickly become one of my favorites, the strange, disputed and occult corners of beef studies. Not least because of the incredibly charismatic lecturer, Professor Bentley Pagas. To Iron Age man, the cow was a symbol of death and milk. For in that sleep of death, what milk may come, matron! My God, he was charismatic, and available for public speaking engagements at such short notice.

And, as we know, as far back as there are records, there has existed a perfect balance in the relationship between cow and man. But there was at such time a perversity, a monstrous craft that disturbed that natural equilibrium. Of course, a man may slay his herd and feast on the beaves that issue forth. But what if this practice were inverted? And a man may, by some secret right, return life to that beef? And by the application of some complementary vegetables and seasoning, he may cause it to rise again in cursed unlife.

This was the arcane practice of beefomancy. Ah, that word, beefomancy, just the sound of it sent to shiver down my spine. Fowler still, it was said that he who possessed the skull of the cow from which the beef was butchered, could control the grotesque parody of bovinehood and bend its will to his own ends. But, of course, this is all facile superstition and titty talk. Beef is dead. This we know, and there's no bringing it back. Whatever means a man may turn to. That's the end. Off you go, youngsters.

Professor Pagas. Ah, Mrs. Spigot, wasn't it? Spoutre, yes, Adrienne. Yes, that's right. What can I do for you? Well, I was just thinking. You know it was my flatmate, Tamsin, who was pasted last night. Oh, I am sorry.

Yes, I had heard about the incident. Well, I was just wondering. The three-piece electro-synth funk group who discovered the body said they could smell some sort of delicious aroma in the air. Like Sunday lunch, they said. Are you sure that all that talk about beefomancy really is just make-believe and cockwaffle? Oh, my dear, please do not let these tragic events drive you to desperate thoughts.

My department is concerned with folklore, fairy tales, nothing more. Well, if you say so, thank you, Professor. Any time, young lady. Tell me, you and that promising young dairy financier Grub have been courting, have you not? We've been seeing a loss of each other. Well, that does happen when you're knocking boots. Oh. Ah, I remember those days, young love.

Nothing compares to it. Not even a long hot piss on a cool winter's night. Why don't the two of you come to my flat in Kensington for dinner tomorrow night? Yours are just the types of promising young minds I like to revel in, encourage, patronise, and purve over where I can. Oh, well, that would be lovely, thank you, Professor. And take care, won't you? There's evidently a very dangerous individual in the area. Yes, Professor, I'll be as careful as I possibly.

can. What are we doing in this freezing cold park, babe? When you asked if I wanted to go undercover tonight, get really filthy and get into it right up to our elbows, this isn't what I had in mind. I know. I was being deliberately misleading. Oh, come on, baby. We're doing a stakeout, Clive. I got a map of London, marked the locations of all the recent murders, including poor Tamsins. Then I did some stuff with a ruler and a red crayon, and I think this park marks the epicent. I suspect that if we hang around long enough, we might get a look at whoever this murdering bastard is, maybe even catch him in the act. No, Adrienne, we can't do this. I can't be here.

Why? What do you mean? Listen, baby, my father's a very important man. He's the director of the Jersey Milk Board, and in a role like that, he can't afford any scandal. When I left for my studies, he only asked that I make him one promise that I wouldn't get involved in any high-profile murder cases or Andrew Lloyd-Weber musicals, and it's not easy. The other week I fell off my roller skates and almost got scouted for Starlight Express. Isn't Roger Westcott Lamegrillay starring in that production? I hear he's excellent. Yes, he's a revelation on wheels, says the times.

But we can't just sit around and do nothing while our friends are being attacked and killed in the streets. Babe, let's just forget about it and start carrying guns or something. What was that? Never mind, nothing, probably an urban shrew or whatever. It came from over there. Oh, God. Oh, what was that? Oh, tits!

There was a huge hulking figure in the shadows. It ran off. Oh, oh, God. Danny Grobett. What about her? We're standing on her. Oh! It was her all right.

Danny Groopert, another student in our year. She used to live in the same building as me. I say you used to. too because although she still seemed to be just about conscious, she had been almost completely flattened. She looked like as if someone had spilled a big plate of stew on the ground and then put Danny Grober's head in it. Adrienne, Danny, hang in there. You're going to be all right. I don't think so, Adrienne. She's absolutely fucked. Shosh! It was so tall.

Huge. Who was it? Come on, Danny. And it smelled delicious. Fucking hell, love. Talk about milking it. Crive, please. Danny? Danny. Now, this is it. This is it. Great, finally. Danny? She's gone.

Oh, great. The Jersey Evening Post is going to have a field day with this. So, this is why I got dragged back to the department in the middle of the night. You two first years decided to go off playing detective. Dr. Marta Baumgartner, head of the history of cow art department and a real tough old Bratwurst. She was from Germany or Romania. or Switzerland, somewhere like that. The cop has dragged us in to talk to her

and she was leaning on us as hard as she was leaning on her antique cow-shaped mahogany desk. What happened to your brains? Did you accidentally eat them and then shit them down a pipe? I just want to put myself out there straight away and say that it was all Adrienne's idea. Dr. Poundgartner, people are being killed. I know. That's why I was safe in my beds

with a glass of dry, dry chardonnay and a filthy book about Randy Pirates, not sitting in a bush in the darkness wearing an eye-heart getting murdered t-shirt. The police are investigating this already. Why are you putting yourself in harm's way? Doctor, with all due respect, I don't feel like the police are taking these crimes seriously. Now, how can you say that, when Scotland Yard have put their best investigator on the case?

Who sits just over there? DCI Barry Plod? It'll just be students mucking about. Brown to be. Probably out, pissed up from stiffing glue, decided to have a go at pulping each other. See it a hundred times, bloody students. I say pulped the rest of them, too. Sorry, trapped gas.

Are there any biscuits? See? Now, Adrian, you're a very promising young student. Forget about all this and focus on your frivolous arts degree. But, Doctor, I can't forget it. Because, well... What? It's because...

What is it, Adrienne? Well, it's because 19 years ago, to the day, my parents were pulped too. Oh, my God! Whoa, Adrienne, you never mentioned this. I tried to several times, but you really didn't seem to be interested. Babe, interested in what? Oh, for God's sake. So, you are in earnest.

Your parents, they must have been the couple found completely smashed to bits in Russell Square. all over the paving slabs Like a casserole shat from the heavens That was them They were students themselves then Just a couple of crazy kids In the swinging London 60s Who one second was celebrating

The arrival of their unplanned But not totally unwelcome baby daughter Then the next was spread across 20 feet of London paving That was before my time But of course I heard the stories But you don't think that pulping And this could be connected surely

I don't know what I think anymore. I've started to have such terrible thoughts. Doctor, are you familiar with beefomancy? Oh, Adrienne, you're hysterical, you mad old fish. Did you say beefomancy? I know, it's crazy talk, but I don't know how else to explain that huge hulking creature I saw and that delicious smell like a hot, freshly baked beef pie. You'll be careful, Adrienne. You're talking about very powerful forces, very dark areas of the bovine arts, the divisor amongst us tried to avoid at all costs, like the cow pat on the poorly lit country lane.

Are you saying it's true? I said nothing. Go home. DC, I applaud. These are merely some vevered, inquisitive youngsters. Do you think we might simply forget this incident? I certainly intend to. Cheerio. Or, mind your backs.

Oh, excuse I. Oh, nearly followed through. The flat seemed so empty without Tamsin, drinking vodka and trying to chat up her poster of Prince Andrew all night. I couldn't go back alone, so I insisted that Clive stayed the night. He didn't need much convincing. Well, darling, I don't know about you, but I am glad to be as far away from that murder scene as possible,

although I've still got quite a lot of Danny Grober on my shoes and face and hair. I know. It's been so frightening. and worrying and extremely disgusting. But... But... Well, all this excitement, it's also a little bit exciting, don't you think? Oh, yes.

Do you... do you want to? Oh, yes. Oh, God, yes. Oh, but let's take it slowly. Don't worry, babe. Nice and gentle. Just like the instructional video says. that. Okay. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Ah! Oh, yes. Okay. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Clive? Yes, baby.

Oh, yes. Clive! What? What is it? Is everything okay? Well, not really. This still isn't working. Darling, I'm trying my best. I know, but it just doesn't seem right. What about it? Well, just...

You covering your dick in yoghurt and slamming it in a dresser drawer while I fired chestnuts at your ass with a slingshot. That can't be how it's meant to go. Babe, I'm telling you, that's exactly what the instructional video said. Really? Can I see this instructional video? No, I told you. I lost it in a card game. to a sailor. Right.

Yeah. Oh, can I keep going or... Oh, fine, you carry on. I'm going to sleep. Cheers, babe. Won't be long. It didn't matter. I couldn't concentrate on aiming those chestnuts very well anyway.

All I could think about was poor Danny Grobet and the intoxicating smell of beef pie. Oh, Auntie Jane! I had about as much luck getting to sleep. as I did getting my rocks off. And the next day was a total blur. The only thing that kept me from losing my mind was the prospect of dinner at Professor Pakers' flat

and the hope that it might bring stimulating conversation and perhaps some answers. It's a terrible situation to get into, so I said to him, look, if it doesn't taste of nutmeg, it's not a real da Vinci, is it? Another drop of Arderton Bay, you too? I'm fine for now, thank you, Professor Pagas.

Keep it coming, prof. That a boy. I always say nobody makes a fizzy beef wine like the Cornish. Well, I must say it has been a great joy to converse with you too, to discuss Rembrandt's Frisian period with you, Adrienne, and with you, Clive, the work of Charles Bronson. Death Wish, too, lethal, mate. Professor, where's your bog?

I've got a Death Wish No. 2 brewing of my own, if you know what I mean. Oh, Clive. Charming. End of the hall. Cheers, Prof. Back in a moment, babe. Alone at last, eh? Yes. I wanted to ask. My colleague, Dr. Baumgartner, tells me that you've been sticking your nose in where noses ought not to tread.

Is that so? Oh, Professor, it's just these nighttime flattenings. They're troubling me. Well, that's understandable. I heard about your parents. That's right. They were complete write-offs, as I understand it. Yes, absolute goulash.

so I heard. You know, I knew them. You did. Professor Pagas, you really knew my parents back then. Yes, indeed. Of course, I was still young then, just starting out in my career. Your mother was the countergirl

in a sandwich bar down the street, and your father was a flashed twat with a fancy car. Gosh, you really knew them. Yes. It really is remarkable, my dear. How much you look like your mother. Professor,

You're drooling. Forgive me, I have an overactive gland. But where are my manners, Adrienne? Can I offer you anything more to eat? There's plenty of carrots left. No, thank you, Professor, really. But could I ask? I hope you won't think I'm tripping balls here.

Please, my dear, anything you like? Some grilled onions? No, no, thank you. But what would a person need if they were to attempt beefomancy for real? Oh, my dear, but that's all nonsense and chuff-burbel, as I said. A little short-crust pastry? No, thank you.

Still please, Professor, I need to understand. Well, my dear, according to the ancient texts, along with the profane incantations and the raw beef material, the right required several ingredients, carrots, onions, short-crust pastry, and, of course, the cow's skull. Cow-scull? No, I'm fine for... Hang on a minute.

Bifuratum, beefo meritus, bovos raum, Bifuratum, what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you putting the cow-scull on? your head. Are you sure you don't want seconds? You wouldn't like any more. Beef pie. Oh God, no!

Yes, it was I all along. Professor Bentley Pagus, the Beefomancer General, tremble mere mortals before my command of the dark powers of beef. No, no! Professor, say it isn't true. I cannot. For true

it be, I am the nutty genius. who has invoked the might of the oxen-headed yokai and the cow goddess Hathor pissed in the eye of Christ and returned life to beef. Gotta say, prof, your flush is a little weak but I managed to tap it down with a copy of the Radio Times. Oh, what's happening?

It was you who killed my parents, wasn't it? Whoa, babe, I've never even met them. Not you, Professor Pagas, you idiot. Oh, him? Yeah, yeah, I can see that. Yes. Your mother denied me Rumpo and went off with someone better looking with a nicer car. So I went insane and killed them both with dark magic.

Ah, men. Whoa, babe. Not all men. And now, 19 years later, I've summoned up my sinewy servant once more to kill you two. Unless, you fancy a quick... Oh, no! Then tremble before the terrible majesty of my mince, beast, my beautiful beef pie!

No! No! Oh, God, what the shit is that? I couldn't believe what was right in front of my eyes. A humanoid tower of minced beef and onion, also carrots, encased in short-cross pastry. It thrashed its lump and pie limbs around, cursed with an insatiable hunger for violence. As it thundered towards Clive, arm raised for. pulping, I could see rivers of piping hot gravy streaming from its pores. And I wondered,

Mum, Dad, is this how you left this world? Destroy them, beef pie. Clive, look out! Oh, go away! You're gross! Clive! You look like a puddle of Perf Borgignon! Oh, that's all. Oh, babe, please, don't tell my dad. I auditioned for cats. No! Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, nearly followed through.

Nowhere was safe. I knew Pagas and his horrible beef pie would come for me if I went back to my flat or to Clive's place. Oh, Clive. Clive was dead. And I had expected to feel more devastated about that, but you know, either way, it's a shame. So who else could I turn to? Except. Miss Spouter, God and Himmel, at this rate, I'll never finish the latest in my favourite erotic pirate novel series, Sales and Silk Five, all hands to the poop deck. Oh, Dr. Baumgartner, it's Professor Pagas. He's the beast. He's made a huge meat monster called beef pie that does his bidding, and he used it to kill my parents 19 years ago, and then more recently he got it to pulverize all those students, and then an hour and 12 minutes ago he got it to kill Clive.

Yes, I thought it might be something like that. What are we going to do? Pull yourself together, girl. I have long suspected that Bentley's interest in beefomancy was more than just academic, but until now it has been just that, suspicion. But you are in earnest? You are not making meat the shit. me off? No, I swear it's all true. Pagas! But why, why is he doing this?

Can he really be out for revenge on the world? Just because my hot mother spurned his affections? Oh, my child, when one allows the heart to guide one's actions instead of the head, the heart can go absolutely cat-piss bonkers. I suppose you're right. Come, the time for weeping for Clive will come later. Honestly, I still feel fine. still feel fine.

Weird. I'm actually starting to think that maybe he was a bit of a dick. But for now, we have a beef omencer to thwart. How can we possibly hope to stand up to that hellish, disgusting thing? And his beef monster? Do not worry, child. Professor Pagas is not the only one who has done his beef arcana homework. I too have studied the ancient texts,

and I know exactly how to ruin a beef pie. All of a sudden I was back there, a place I never thought I'd ever dare return. Professor Pagas' accursed, if tastefully decorated, Kensington flat. I tiptoed trembling down the hallway behind Dr. Boundgartner as she led us into the belly of the beef. I kept seeing movement out of the corner of my eye. At every tiny sound my heart thundered in my chest. and all around that seductive smell of beef, onions, and delicate short-crust pastry. Professor Pegas, it's Martha.

I'm just here to return that book on the Babylonian cattle mosaics you lent me, and I thought we could have a little talk about your extracurricular activities. Doctor! Stay calm, child. This is no time to make the kitten. all over the place. Okay. Okay.

Oh, God! Professor Pagas! Hello, Marta. So good of you to pop by. Hello, Bentley. I think someone has been a bit of a naughty academic. Perhaps. But can you blame me?

After all, love makes fools of us all, does it not? That's no excuse for taking lives, human lives, student lives. student lives, admittedly, but lives nonetheless. Dr. Baumgartner, be careful. That delicious smell. It's getting stronger. It's supper time, doctor.

I hope you're hungry. I've made an absolutely enormous beef pie. There it is. No, get it away. Hold it right there. No, what are you doing? You want to know how to ruin a perfectly good beef pie? Pie, Professor, pair it with an aggressively dry Chardonnay.

As the bitter supermarket plank coated beef pies short-crust skin, it screamed and recoiled as if it had been doused in acid. No, my creature, my beautiful beefy boy! I'll pulp you myself, you chew tonic tart! Professor Pager's wrestled Dr. Baumgartner to the ground. It slightly turned me on, and that's on. whole other worrying situation that I'll have to unpack later, but there was no time. It looked like the beef pie was recovering from the wine attack.

There had to be some way to stop it. And then, something came back to me from Professor Pegas's lecture. If you do it standing up, it's impossible to get pregnant. No, not that. It was said that he who possessed the skull of the cow from which the beef was butchered could control the grotesque parody of bovinehood and bend its will to his own ends. That was it, the skull,

the skull which was now teetering around on top of Professor Pagos' head. I had to destroy it, but I couldn't get any closer, not with that savoury monstrosity in the way. And then I suddenly remembered. Clive and I had planned to spend the night at his place, and he'd made it clear that it was up to me

to bring my own slingshot and my own chestnuts. Oh, Professor Pagas? Yes. It's time to break up for the year. Ha! The faithful chestnuts soared clear across the hallway and found its target dead on, shattering the cow skull into a thousand fragments.

No! Thank you, Clive. Maybe our time together hasn't been a completely underwhelming waste of time after The golem! It is freed from its master's control. My creation, my tasty little baby. You remember your daddy, don't you? Beef pies' crusty head tilted to the side for a moment,

casting off a few flakes of delicious buttery pastry. It looked as if it remembered its creator and felt affection for him, maybe even love. But then it didn't. Oh, bugger! Quick, let's get out of here. No, child. See, visit Creator dead.

The black magic that keep the beast upright are fading. Oh, rest, poor meaty abomination. Return to the beef from which you were birthed. Be at peace. Is it over? Yes, my child. The cost has been great, but the beef omencer has been thwarted, and we must no longer fear the rage of the beef pie.

Oh, thank God. Mother, father, at long last, you have been avenged. Perhaps now your spirits can rest easy. Dr. Baumgartner? Yes, my child. I've never felt a calling in my life. I've never known where I was meant to be But now

Now that I've seen the horrors of beefomancy Firsthand, I know that it is my destiny to seek it out Wherever it may rear its ugly head And stamp it out like a frenzied meat tenderiser Yes, my child, and I will help you Together with your strength and bravery And my knowledge of the ancient texts We will hunt down those practitioners of the dark beef arts

in a series of exciting sequel adventures that could continue indefinitely and also be readily adapted to the big screen. Yes, and even though Professor Pagas is dead, there's no reason that our future adversaries should not have voices that sound fairly similar to his. No reason at all. Now, child, fetch some knives and forks.

It will be a shame to let this delicious pie go to waste. It does smell bloody amazing, actually. Mmm, beef pie. That's right, the British Beef Council says, Always eat up your beef pie. Night, night out there, beef dreams. Beef Pie Was written by, directed by, and starred Roger Westcott Lemaigreli as Professor Bentley Pagas.

It also starred Trudy Moody as Adrian Spouter, Anya von Boffmeister as Dr. Marta Baumgardner, William B. Peppercorn as Clive Grubb, Christopher Lee, but not that one, as D.I. Barry Plod. Lydia Massbinder as Danny Grobert. Ashley Ape as Tamsin. Produced thanks to a generous funding grant from the British Beef Council. Okay, so yep, that's beef pie. You weren't lying, were you when you said it was complete dog shit?

That was terrible. Yeah, it's really is appalling. I should say I have been in contact with Roger before this to see if he wanted to come on the show and talk about it. He's currently in a, what he described as, an all-female production of Miss Saigon, so I wasn't able to do the interview. But he did say that he was pleased that we were playing it

and that he is launching a Kickstarter to raise money to make Beef Pie 2 a sequel. And he was very keen that I should provide a link. to that and suggest that people might want to donate to it. I do actually think having heard that, that I can't do that in good conscience. Beef Pie 2 has been a long time coming. As early as 1986, a script for Beef Pie 2 was doing the rounds. He advertised, when it became clear that no one was going to invest in it,

he advertised it in the back of magazines as a script that you could be sent. Then in the 90s, he actually paid a few young developers to release Beef Pie 2. the CD-ROM, which was a very simple point-and-click adventure. Unfortunately, none of the cast would come back to help with the CD-ROM, and so he did all the voices himself, which only added to the very uneasy feel of the whole thing. And then for the last 40 years, Beef Pie 2 has been a constant in Rogers, like an obsession, really.

He set up Twitter accounts as all the characters from it in an attempt to try and get a bit of world building, and there was a beef pie two section in second life. I'm really pleased that Roger doesn't know about AI yet, because were he to ever find out, I think, God knows what we'd be subjected to. So my understanding is that the family are all working quite hard to not let him know what AI is now capable of. Yes.

Well, I'm going to say this to you, but I'm also saying this really to all the listeners listening today. let's work hard together to stop B-Py-2 ever happening. I think we can all agree with that. Yeah, my understanding is that Roger's MP is looking into introducing some sort of primary legislation. Well, thank you, Alex Neon. It was a shame in the way we had to listen to that, but also, as you say, a piece of beef broadcasting history. And something we can be proud to say that here at the Beef and Dairy Network,

we were the ones who got the exclusive. So thank you, Alex. It's no problem at all. I'm pleased to get it out in my house, if anything. A big thanks to Alex Neon for all the tireless work he does as the Beef and Dairy Archivist. And a huge apology to all of you who just listened to Beef Pie. Anyway, that's what we've got time for this month. But if you're after more Beef and Dairy News, get over to the website now,

where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we see how much tech pioneer Bill Gates knows about gates. So, until next time, beef out. Thanks to Tom Crowley, Anna Leong Brophy, Jimmer Arrowsmith, Sammy Dobson, Gareth Quinn and Cody Dala. And, as with last year's Halloween episode, this was an episode not written by me. It was written, well, I had a tiny bit of

of input, but it was mainly written by Tom Crowley. I think he's done brilliant work, and I just want to say, thank you, Tom, for that. If you're interested in Tom's work, which you absolutely should be, then check out his podcast, which is called Crowley Time, which is C-R-O-W-L-E-Y, time. Crowley Time. Check it out. Oh, also another thing you might want to check out is a short film that I made last year. It's gone up on YouTube this week. It's called Daddy Superior. If you go on YouTube and search for Daddy Superior or Benjamin Partridge, Daddy Superior, you'll find that. It's a 15-minute film. I really enjoyed making that with incredible cast, Mike Kausniak, Chris Cantrill, Sammy Dobson, and Amy Gladhill.

All of those people have been on Beef and Dairy over the years. So if you fancy checking that out, I would be grateful. I think you'd enjoy yourself. All right. Goodbye. Hi, I'm Travis McElroy. I'm here with Maria, and we're excited because as a member of the month, Maria, thank you so much for being a listener and a support.

the show. Hi. How did you find out about the shows? When my daughter was in high school, we kind of connected over Taz. She introduced me to Schmanor's and Sawbones. What made you decide to become a Max Fund member? I kind of decided that with the economy being so difficult, it was worth me giving up my Starbucks to join in with you guys. Well, Maria, I owe you a cup of coffee then. At some point, I'll get a cup of coffee in the hero hands to pay you back. Maria, again, thank you so much for your support. Thank you very, very much for your time and getting a chance to be the member of the month. My daughter was shocked when she found out about it, so I can't wait for her to actually maybe catch a little bit of this.

I can rub it in her face a little bit. That's what we do it for. Thank you, and thanks to everybody for your support. Maria, have a great month. You have an amazing month as well. Become a MaxFund member now at Maximumfund.org slash join. Hey there, do you like books about various shades of gray? Maybe 50 of them?

Or books about winged men searching for soulmates. Is your e-reader full of stories that would pair well with Barry White in the background? We're Brea and Mallory of Reading Glasses, and we have a brand new show for people who crave reads with children. Just a dash of serracha sauce. That's right. Every other Friday, we dive into books that could be measured on the Scoville scale and talk to the people who love them. You can find our new show by visiting maximum fun.org slash spicy.

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