Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 129 - Beef 2025

Episode Date: December 22, 2025

Jess Ransom, Michael Clarke, George Fouracres and Linnea Sage join in this month as we look back over the most exciting new cattle breeds to emerge in 2025. Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.comMusic credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com:La fille aux cheveux de lin / Claire McMillen

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the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the beef and dairy network podcast. or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website as well as the printed magazine brought to you by Mitchell's Darkness Dome. Now, as we reach the end of the year, it's time to look back and if 2025 is to be remembered for anything, it will be the sheer number of new breeds of cattle that have been developed and have come to market. And so I'll be going through some of my favourite, along with a few guests,

who will give their own take on what? What's exciting them in the world of cattle breeds? So, I'm joined by Alan Bauker, the editor of the magazine, Beef Week. Hello. Hello, Alan. And due to a late pullout by Paul Topcock from Gelton Genius, the Beef Gelitin Consultancy, I'm joined by Vanessa Renard, formerly the Telegraph's Pork Correspondent, but now responsible for the Swine Hood Daily, a daily email newsletter for the pork industry. Oh, thanks for having me.

And I should just say it's not Vanessa Renard anymore. Oh, you're in Winter's Protection? No, I got married. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. Who's the lucky man? He's sitting right next to me. All right.

Ah, okay. So just to explain to the listeners, we didn't actually book Terry. He's been brought along by Vanessa. Yeah, I mean, well, we all had such a nice time on the podcast last year, talking about the news together and rounding up our favourite stories, so that I just thought, why not bring us all back together? I don't have got to keep an eye on an all, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Terry is very sweet like that. Yeah. You've married Terry. Yes. In fact, I should probably thank you for introducing us. So we met for people who didn't hear it last year on the podcast. And obviously I knew how charming Terry was from listening to his stories. But then, you know, when we were on our way out of the building, I had a message from somebody who was supposed to be doing some work on my house. and they were supposed to be doing

some re-grouting in my bathroom and unfortunately they couldn't make it so Terry offered up his services and more wise than what do you know what I mean I'm missing about and the rest's history really right so you did the work on her house and then how did romance blossom

sorry just not to be too intrusive I hope Well, I mean, I don't know if you notice there was a spark between us last year in this very studio. And then, yeah, he came and did the work on my grouting. And then, sorry, sounds a bit rude, doesn't it? It was, and all. I'm missing about. And so, yeah, so then we've sort of got talking and we've not really been apart since. And so how quickly then were you married then, after your, what was your court?

ship like? Who's the next day? Oh. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. One of Terry's friends did this service. Wow.

Oh, Ronnie. I have Ronville. Yeah, strike around the next afternoon, aren't we? Yeah. Is your Vicar or a... No, he works on a ferry. Oh, he works on the ferry. Yeah.

Oh. Missing now, of course. Yeah. It was, I mean, it was beautiful. Really, it's like, oh, sorry, getting a bit emotional thinking about it. Yeah, and then of course, honeymoon. Of course. Where did he go? Six weeks in West Bromwich.

Yeah, yeah, six weeks, which, I mean, it was good because it was nice to take that time to get to know each other better. Because obviously it had only been by that point 48 hours. Oh, didn't it. So, yeah, so I took the time off from work from Swineherds Daily. And sorry, I would like to take this opportunity to. just say thank you to my readers for you know sticking with me throughout that period and so now the newsletter is back

to being daily and it's still better than ever. I think the break has really kind of revitalised my love for the pork industry. But while the only pork you loved, you know what I mean? Terry! He is a character. I wasn't missing about. Gosh, I mean, you know, obviously people can

I mean, I don't want to say for this is that Is everything okay? I just want to say just blink twice if you want us to... No, I'm incredibly happy. Very happy to be Mrs. Topps. I still can't get used to saying it. There's quite a big age difference between the two.

I just don't really think about it. Do you mind me asking Terry, how old are you? I don't know, quite honestly. I never found out? There's got to be between 60 and 90. I mean, do you have any, I suppose, memories of your childhood that might help place the time period? Um, would you remember a war happening?

There was I war, um, I don't know which one. But in our house, I had seven brothers, this is always a war on. At the time, I wished I had a grenade. I did actually, I found one once. In a draw. It was bad what happened. It was my fault. It was my fault.

It was a bit my fault. All them people. We like lasagna. Clouds of lasagna. on you. Well, there we go. You hit it here first on the Beef and Dairy Network.

Vanessa from the Swinehudder Daily has married Terry Tops after asking him to grout her bathroom. Fantastic. And that was all I ended up grouting if you don't want to me.

Oh, Terry, that's disgusting. I'm messing about. Well, as I said, congratulations to you two and thanks for coming in. Now, Alan, how's your year been for our old adversary Beef Week magazine?

Hey, come on. Put them up. Put them up. No, it's, well, I'll be, you know, let's be serious for a minute. It has been a very hard time for the beef industry as a whole, largely down to Jacobinus R syndrome. But thankfully, now largely over, of course, but, you know, it's almost surreal sitting here together talking about it. I felt like there's a time where that may never be the case again.

Yeah, dark times. But please say, it's been a very great year for Beef Week. I can actually give you guys a little exclusive, if you'd like. Wow, okay, yeah, please go ahead. I thought I'd throw your bone, seeing as, you know, we're usually first to pit you to the post, as it were. So, a big exclusive for your listeners. We at Beef Week have just signed a major deal with the American Television Network, HBO. And Beef Week magazine is going to be adapted for the screen by Lena Dunham.

Do you know who that is, Terry? Who? Lainer Dunham? Oh, I don't know him. Yeah. Her? Ah. Oh, she's a very prolific television writer.

We're very excited to have her on board. Lenny Dunham. Now he works up the gripes in Bilston, Doey. Lenny Dunham? Lenny Dunham. May have got your Dunham's in a twist there, Terry. No. Well...

Sorry, can I... I mean, how is Lena Dunham going to... How do you adapt to a weekly beef magazine about beef news? That is the magic of Miss Dunham, you know. There's a certain mystique and mystery around her. I mean, well, I can say, you know, certainly be, she'll translate her skills to the screen. You can imagine a beautiful bovine beauty, having to navigate the medical community, not taking her endometriosis seriously enough,

whilst having to go to a friend's bloody open mic night, all the while with lovely, lovely beef products at front and centre throughout. So it's sort of product placement rather than... Absolutely, absolutely. It's really excited. It's called a strategic investment opportunity viewing is the new phrase that's being bandied about. I'm very excited by it. But it's just so great seeing her writing when she just locks herself away in a cattle ring. And she just scrolls away.

In fact, the whole pitch for the show, she just wrote on the back of a cow's ass and gave it smack. She pitched to you. She did. She came to us. I mean, that's the magic of beef week, right? She just wrote on the back of this cow's ass TV show plus cows. equals me, smacked it, ran right into her office.

I was like, this is dynamite. We are making this. And, you know, when she just gets an idea in her head, it's very exact. She actually, she sort of, her eyes roll back into her skull. And the pen just moves and moves. And she starts humming her own surname, but to the Jaws theme tune.

Dunham. Dunham. Dunham. Dunham. Dunham, Dunham, Dunham, Donum, dundum, dundum, dandometometometeotis. she's a great laugh well congratulations thank you yeah I mean just be clear then

so it's becoming a kind of millennial drama is that how you describe millennial drama or zillennial because you've got to get those guys in as well but creating a sort of bovine universe so we're hoping to you know with all the different farm yard animals and get them like not pigs

obviously but yeah the different sort of cross-pollination there it's a great as I said investment strategy so we're very excited by who's starring in it well we have Paul Danner that's it currently because we're sort of using technology based off it was actually again Dano came to us like guys I've invented this

and we're a bit less excited by that because you know he's quite a a sort of downtrodden looking chap when he said I mean I didn't know where he was and said okay maybe we should take a listen to this guy and he's basically done to this technology where he can just multiply his face and so he'll be playing each and one of the farmyard animals in this very female-centred television show. Beef, 2025. Now, we all know that this podcast is about cattle,

but there are many different types of cattle and different breeds, each with their own proud history. And yet, when you actually look out into the fields of Britain, what do you see the same few familiar faces again and again? Because if the cattle industry were the music industry, then the Frisian would be cold play, Completely ubiquitous, shamelessly commercial, and of course, famed for those enormous distended udders. Carlplai?

I know him? A cow ploy. What's his name? Chris. Oh, Chris, Chris, Martin's. He's a top lad. His dad, I'll tell you, he is the best knuckleman you've ever seen. I've never seen him lose a fight.

Bear knuckle boxing. Yeah? Yeah, there's a lot of bare-knuckle fighting in Wolverhampton. I hadn't realised that until I moved there. You met the in-laws yet, Vanessa? The in-laws? Yeah. Well, given Terry's family is a sort of murky, it's a murky area.

Oh, right. So there are many relatives and there are many sort of cousins, and I'm saying cousins with inverted commas. I'll say, um, to be honest, because, and I've got to be honest with you, I've forgotten who most of a man A lot of people claim to be related to Terry

but he never, you know And them usually right But I got now way of Making sure it's true So I'll just I'll just go along with it To be honest But they're all right

Are they I mean There's some that you wouldn't want to Talk to Or see Or certainly eat a meal opposite Oh no Some on them do even eat sausages

Who says we could be relighted in them Ha ha ha ha ha Oh Terry Are your parents still with us Terry They might be I see them for a good few here No they didn't come to the wedding No

I don't know where they live As I say a murky area Yeah But them probably about If not walking about Then they're about under the ground or in a fire

and of course Terry you will have met Vanessa's family oh yeah yes yeah they so

mum and dad were shocked to say the least because well I've been single for a long time so when I then you know

phone them up and said get yourself on the train to Wolverhampton it's happening tomorrow they were they thought I was joking but they've met Terry and

And you get on really well, do you? Yeah, they've been good to me. Oh, they've been nice. Yeah. Your dad's all right. He says to me, he goes, Who are you? I says, who are you?

But you're still not told each other your names. Now? Come to think of it we are, have we? Well, it's funny because his name's Terry as well, so it'd be confused. Oh, yeah. We'll best leave it then, I know. Yeah.

Even more confusion. And my mum, she's a very, she's always been an anxious person But now she's very sort of, she's really on a knife edge now But I think that's her age, I don't think that's anything to do with my life choices It's interesting that you say your father's called Terry Are there other similarities between the Terry we have here today And Terry, who's your dad? He does like a sausage actually

But he eats other stuff as well, pork pies, scotch eggs bacon, ham. Brave new frontier aid. I mean, I have tried to, you know, I've spent some time with them. I've took your mom out. I took her up the merry bays in Willing All. And to be honest,

I was frightened. Yeah. She's a nervous woman. Oh. But I says to her, come on! I just got her a few points. And I says, come on! to her.

And I do respond well. I did cry some more. And I said, Stop it now. And then all my mates come rounder and they're all going, Stop it now! And I think that stopped her a bit.

But I think she had a nice time. Yeah. Well, I said nothing about it since. Yeah, no, she's not spoken about it. I think your mum does like me. I just need it to... I think your mom does like me. I think she does too.

It'll be too much if you know what I mean. I'm messing about. Right, well, let's talk about cow breeds. Let's get on with what we're here to do. Although it is wonderful to hear about your burgeoning relationship. Thank you. I have to say, I was a bit, when he first announced it to me, I couldn't see it, but seeing you together.

I don't know if you agree on it. No, I agree. I was skeptical at first, but there truly is someone for everyone, isn't that? It just works. No, we'm happy, are we? Yeah, we're happy? Really happy, yeah. You can't deny the chemistry, that's the thing.

We try, we don't get nothing done. But now it does get quite full on. Beef, 2025. 25. So, today we're here, we want to celebrate a great year in the field of new breeds. Let's start with one of your picks, Alan. What's one of your favourites from this year? Yes, so I would love to talk about the Magnobov 5,000, which is, I'm sure you're already aware,

the first fully magnetic cow breed. And I can still remember the first time I saw it. I turned to my friend and said, can you die of happiness? It was such a beautiful creature. And it has a certain sort of magnetic glow, animal magnetism, I suppose you'd call it. It's a little joke for you there. But what's been really fascinating about this new development is there many uses that it has.

When it first came through, obviously, it was developed in Japan. Yeah. When the news came through, I think a lot of it was thinking, I mean, that's impressive to breed a cow that's fully magnetic. But what on earth is that for? Well, I think because most people initially thinking, okay, what's this relating to farming thing? But it's actually more to do with air crash investigations.

Okay. Because often planes will crash in sort of wilderness areas or farm yard pastures where there's, lots of cows and bovine activity. So these cows can then be used to search the wreckage for any, for like the black box or any key sort of bits of wreckage that could be found. And so that's been the primary use throughout the main development. So they're not milking them?

They can milk them. It has a very unique taste, a very sort of, well, well, you'd think so, no, but actually it's more Lucasade sport. In fact, it's exactly, it is, it's Lucasade Sport. No one knows why. No one cares why, which is fortunate. So we've not had to investigate that any further. But that's been, I guess, sort of fortunate byproduct again of it,

because we can market that doing a little tie-in with the Haddadas boys. And it's all good. There have been some drawbacks admitted. I mean, there is with any new technology in that, you know, that these cows now being magnetized, they are drawn to the north, magnetic north. So I'm sure you've seen the stories recently of sort of hordes and hordes of cows all gravitating towards the North Pole

in a big sinister sort of circle in the North Pole which of course is one of the signs of the bloody apocalypse so people are understandably a bit put out by that but I'm sure it'll all blow over Well they've begun to sort that out of need because they've worked out that they can reverse

the magnetism of those cows. Absolutely. Now they're going so. But that's the problem. That's the thing. It's going to be a bit of a, for now, a bit of a back and forth. So, you know, a stop clock, twice a day, that sort of thing.

You've got to catch them in the middle and get your Loucazade sport that way. Or if you fancy a little trip, wrap up warm and go ahead to one of this globe's fine poles. I took a trip there. Last month, it was lovely, with Mr. Paul Topcock. Hence why he can't be here. The poor chap's still missing. Okay. You know, we wish him well.

We wish him well. There's a couple of other drawbacks, aren't there, with the Magnobov. It'll fuck up a pacemaker. Yeah. Certainly will, yeah. Any farmers with that kind of... Yeah, they're gone, really quite quickly. Sort of, I don't have you seen Indiana Jones and Temple of Doom, the heart's ripped out of the chest. It's very much like that.

But if you imagine this sort of cow's ass rather than a sort of demonic man's hand, the sort of heart will shoot out the man's chest directly into this cow's ass. And does that affect the cow? Does that damage the cow? Cows seem fine with it. Fine. I think they've become more powerful. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

And in fact, that's sort of been, was again this strange sort of ritual as they've got to the North Pole. They have started, you know, all these cows absorbing the beating ass hearts and sort of doing the synchronized, quite hypnotic, mooing really, all towards the centre of the earth.

So wait and see what all that's about. Of course, if you drive past a herd of these cows in your tractor, that'll be... You're going off the road. Yeah. You're going right off the road. road, absolutely. You can try and call emergency services, but obviously your phone's not going to work because the cows are scrambling all the signals. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I can see it be being sort of quite a huge problem, really, long term. And is it interfering with like flight paths or? Well, yes, it is. You know, there's major, major crashes over it. But then fortunately, again, because they can be used to search through the wreckage, it all sort of balances out, you know what I mean? Right. We can find out just how many people have died. Uh-huh. But yeah, they're kind of encouraging the plane crashes themselves

but then sorting them out. Absolutely, do you know what I mean? It all fixes itself. It all works out. Yeah. Terry, I don't know if you've been across the new Cowbys that have been launched this year.

I don't know if you've heard of the Magnobov. No. That's good. That's about this. It's a circle of life, ain't? It reminds me of a mate to mind Bill Evans.

He would rob people's houses. but he would mop him when he was in there and I think that's a sort of bloke he was. Thank you Terry. Beef, 2025. 25. Vanessa, let's talk to you about the breeds that have got you excited this year.

Obviously, you know, you're in the pork world, but we did ask you to come with some ideas of beef breeds and dairy breeds that I've excited you this year. What have you brought in? Well, I thought I'd start with the new breed from the pig world. Oh, for fuck's sake, Vanessa. Well, you know, it's my area of expertise.

You've been biting me on. And I think... Sorry, I knew this would happen. Well, I think I'll change your mind when you hear about the breed. It's been a huge year for new pig breeds. But my favourite one I am going to pick is the hen breed.

pie train so it's a cross breed between the Henry you're glazing over a bit there I would sort of encourage you to try and at least listen sure yeah

yeah because genuinely it's really fascinating and exciting and I've listened to the Magnetron so if you could The Magnibov

yeah whatever weren't listening too closely were you so it's a cross breed between the Henbury Island Hog and a common

pie train. So that doesn't necessarily sound exciting. I know, I know, but wait, wait, wait, because the stats really sort of speak for themselves. So you get a 25% higher meat yield than you do with a Hembray Island hog, but only a 4% uplift in feed requirements. So, I mean, many people thought we'd created as efficient a pig as we ever would see, but they've done it again so great pretty exciting

fucking hell it is beggars belief no no no I just I miss Paul I really do I wish he was here today

beef 25 25 okay let's move on to our next breed one that I've brought in or this is certainly the breed that I've got most excited about this year

Now, a lot of monies, over the years has gone into developing this sort of breed. It's been seen as a kind of holy grail. I know you know about this, Alan. It's, of course, a cattle breed that can sustain itself entirely by eating old cardboard. I know the one you're going to say. I was hoping you'd bring this up. So, if the creators are to be believed, I've not actually met one of these yet, but apparently it's been achieved. It's called the Belgian box muncher.

Yeah. And what's most interesting about this is not actually created in Belgium, is it? No, common misconception. Yeah. So it's not. So this isn't one of the, you know, we all know about the huge Belgian agri-joints. It's not from Vandegraff Angaro Combines. It's not from Flandrex, bought partners. This is actually a side project from a couple of geography teachers from Norwich.

Yes, Nick and Gavin. Yes. Nick and Gavin, yes. You met them, of course. Yes, yes, with their old friends. And it's really fascinating because they actually just bought a bumper pack of beef semen during the closing down sale of a local semen warehouse, which are very sad to see go actually I've been a big fan of Sputum's for a long time

that's where I bought my first batch but hey that's the way the world's doing it's all going online these days. Yes it's sad that bricks and mortar of the semen industry is I'm afraid becoming a thing of the past but hey you know people like so many farmers talk to me and say I love to go in and put my hand in it and all touch you want to feel it

I'm not mate I'll run your fingers through it absolutely we're singing from the same hymn sheet but I'm afraid progress is progress but you know we're looking at sort of new ways of trying to sort of adapt, interact with both of those things, for instance, and you sort of go in the metaverse, a sort of AI digital semen warehouses

where you can really have the sensation that you are to put on those gloves, they send you the gloves in the post. Yes, absolutely, those electronic gloves with sensor e-pads on them where you can, you know, actually you're just in your living room clattering around, smashing bits of furniture around, but you feel as if you're wading through a vat of semen. It's really wonderful. But to bring us back on point, I don't quite know the

science of it, but when I went to interview Nick and Gavin they showed me their method, basically you just get a load of semen and gametes or, you know, whatever it is, you put him in an old jam jar just shake it up. You know, like I'm salad dressing, I suppose.

Right. Wow. And then they just funnel that into the wasting vagina of a cat? Absolutely, yeah, manually. It's all very manly. I said, yeah, the old ways are the best. So you say that they do this all in the garden shed. Yeah. Do they have their own cow, or are they just putting this concoction to the back of any old thing? It's sort of any old thing at the moment.

It's, you know, it's a vestment. It's the early stages, so they're hoping to graduate towards a cow. But for now, it's just, you know, stray dogs, that sort of thing. Because obviously, it was in the news only a couple of weeks ago. So I'm obviously very excited about the prospect of a cow that can sustain itself just on old cardboard. Absolutely. But have they actually created such a beast? Not yet, as I said.

It's in the early patent sort of pending. stage where they are just, as I said, funneling semen into dogs' assholes. But the research that that is proving is that once they try this with a cow, it might work. And they're doing this sort of around the time of their geography teaching schedules as well. Yes, well, they actually try to incorporate some of the geography lessons into it. They're getting the kids to help? Absolutely, absolutely. Well, small hands of it. Again, we talk about the old ways are the best. You don't remember the days of the Victorian workhouses, right? Those kids could get their hands in the machinery, those kids can get their hands inside a stray dog's ass.

So the more you're talking about it, it feels like it's very much R&D stage. Yes, yes. You know, the press releases I was reading a couple of weeks ago were saying, we've achieved this. We've created a Belgian box muncher, but they haven't. No, but that's the bold. You've got to be, you know, bold in this industry. So, you know, if you build it, they will come. Yeah, but it's quite misleading, isn't it?

It's not actually happened yet. Those accusations have been leveled at the two chaps. But, you know, they just said, as I said, if you build it, they will come. They're just going to create their own marketing strategy until it becomes true. So, yeah, so why do you think they've gone for Belgian box muncher? Because there's nothing Belgian about. Luxurious. You know, you think chocolate.

You think, well, you think chocolate. You know, just that creamy luxury product, which, you know, very much you want to associate with this cow semen. Beef, 2025. 25. Well, let's move on. Terry now thank you for coming in I didn't obviously we didn't know you were going to be here Terry but I wonder if I could ask you

I don't know if there are any new breeds of cow that you I mean this seems unlikely but perhaps you've come across this year that you want to talk about it? Oh no I have I have because we was talking about it on the way here I have actually Oh brilliant well thank you Terry well please let us know Which one is it? Well I've done it myself I've done it myself

Sorry you've bred a new breed of cow Oh yeah yeah oh yeah Um, well, it's a breed as such. Um, it's, uh, it's me mate. Darren, do you know him? Darren Boster? No, so you don't know it. What do you mean it's your mate?

Well, he, what it was, was, I was doing a bit of work and I, I, I scribe to wire a bush, um, on the site, and I found a load of drugs. Now, I'd out of tech drugs. I've never took drugs in my life but they was absolutely loud there and I says to the lads I says who you said this I says

who's going to have that and Darren says I'll add him because he goes out and I says alright now I die now that you are supposed to take them all at once but anyway

long story short I put them all in his tea and He drunk it and he was all right for about half an hour, 45 minutes and then all of a sudden he's screaming and I says, what's up with Darren? Because at this point I'm up the scaffold

and I've seen him on the ground and he's on all fours and he's screaming and then the screaming turns into well I say mooing it's a really mooing as such it's still screaming but it's deeper

it's more like a oh oh oh! And I says, I mean, I says, to the lads, he sounds like a cow, because we're my up. So I core hear him completely clearly. I says, is there a cow down there? And it's Darren.

And he's going to bed on all fours going, oh, bo. And, yeah, I never changed from that. He's been like that ever since. Yeah, and the sad thing was that was at our wedding, so it was quite distracting. Yeah. Because I was doing a bit of work that morning,

war I, me and all the lads was on the site that morning. And then we went round Ronnie's after for the wedding, which is why we was all in our high viz. Yeah, I love high viz, so it's sort of... Oh, no. It makes me wear it, if you know what I mean. Terry, stop it. So that must be, yeah, it must have been quite distracting presence at your wedding, essentially.

We sort of got used to it, didn't we, Terry? After you've heard the sound for a while, you kind of, you know, you forget it's there. But, yeah, certainly upsetting. for Darren's family He lives in his mum's garden now Yeah It's a yard really Yeah

But he's all right hey I mean You know When he's asleep He's all right And you'd be confident In saying This is a new breed of cow

Well I never seen a cow like that I've never seen anything like it Great Well thank you Terry That's very interesting It scares other animals That's how you know Because it's

animals you see a fox or someone or a cat will go near him initially because there's something that they can say or smell that's different and they go near him but then them them frightened like them still they're down run or nothing they're just still looking at him and then he clocks them and then they all start making noise he'll start moving they'll start meowing, screaming, screeching, birds, owls, pigeons, they'll all come round him. And if you'm walking past and you see that happening, there's something that happens to you like an animal inside you where you'm scared, but you'm cold at the same time. It's chilling. Yeah.

But like I say, he's all right, eh? He gets boy. Beef 2025 25. Okay, well let's move on. Alan, have you brought in another breathe that you've enjoyed this year? Yes, this one that was very exciting.

It's been dubbed by the press, Napoleon's Dream. And is that because it hasn't happened yet, like the last one? Well, before you judge, be sure you quick to judge. This is a very exciting creature. This one, it is in the final full stage of development, and it is the first couch who dispensed different flavoured drinks from each teat.

It's fascinating. And this, of course, was a dream of Napoleon. Well, that there lies the fascinating thing about... It's all in his diaries, isn't it, I think. Because it's actually a fascinating by-product. They weren't trying to develop a cow of different flavour udders initially. They were trying to develop a cow with the mental sort of mind space of Napoleon. They wanted to invent a cow that wanted to conquer all of Europe.

But what they ended up with was actually just a cow with delicious flavoured udders. which, you know, was, I'd say, somewhat of a success. So it's different flavoured individual udders rather than you can change the flavour like in the dispensing machines at a five guys. You currently can't. I mean, that would be the next stage, of course. But currently it's, I mean, they have dubbed the five others, the five guys. It's a sort of little, because it's an offshoot of that company.

So they've patented it, the five guys. Yeah, so the sixth other is just milk. Absolutely. Yeah. Five of the more exciting flavours. The five guys are. the five guys are. So obviously the six one's milk. Can't take credit for that. That's the Lord Almighty himself. Then blood. I'll start with the, with the icky one. And not actually

cow's blood. It's frog's blood. No one knows why. Luke'sade Sport. Again, chocolate milk. That's a fun one. Like that one. And the stuff, you've been to the dentist recently. It doesn't look like it. But I'd say, you know, the little stuff you get when you swill your mouth out at the end of the dentist. Mouthwash. Mouthwash. Well, this medical grade mouthwash. That stuff. And that last one then, the fifth udder? Your friend and mine, Water. So is there an official deal with Five Guys then? Yes, absolutely.

You'll see it soon in all the sort of Five Guys stores. Rather than, as you were saying, Vanessa, the sort of normal machines where you get your milkshakes, there will just be a restrained, to be fair, a restrained cow. Probably drugged, do you imagine? Drugged, yes, yes. Drugged and restrained. Beautope, yeah. Absolutely.

And so it's fun than the little kiddies and stuff can go up there and get the whichever fluid they like from the adders. They're allowing the children to access the blood udder. Oh, absolutely. They don't even need a cup. We can go straight mouth, mouth to teat. Can you mix them? We encourage mixing, actually.

We're just in a tiny stormsy. We've got some influencers in saying, mix your adders. So yeah, he's there doing that. It's a lot of fun. Flavor collabs. Yes, absolutely, absolutely. And is it possible that in the future there could be different flavors?

Because people will get bored, you know, savvy. You've got a move times. The kind of pace of kids these days, Gen Z. Yes. Gen Alpha, for example, are going to say, well, I've had enough of frog blood for one day, I've had enough leucosate sport. Sure, I've mixed the frog blood and the leucosate sport to create a kind of bloody leucosate sport, but they're going to get bored.

Absolutely. We're doing some fun market research, actually, and it's quite sweet. Well, we ask these genouts and these little kids, so what would you like to suck out of a cow's teat? And, you know, there's some quite fascinating answers. And so we're taking that into our market research so that we can then genetically modify these cows to then create those flavors. Right.

Interestingly enough, at most of these kids, actually want vape smoke to come out of the others. So that's the next stage we're really excited by. So watch this face. You can see them every little off licence, I think. Again, a drug-restrained cow with a different coloured smoke billowing out of its udders. It's what Napoleon wanted, isn't it? Absolutely.

Because as you say, what they were trying to do was create a cow that had Napoleon's mindset. Yes, yes. As a way to push back against Putin. Yes, yes. Created a super weapon. but instead it just created these delicious flavors but we do wonder if now this new behaviour we've seen in the cows gravitating towards the North Pole

if that was an offshoot of that if now we have sort of created these strange globe-conquering cows interesting because if we could somehow change the Earth's magnetic so that the pole was for example in Dunnetsk or... Yeah absolutely all right at the Kremlin you know that's the plan well I really shouldn't be saying this but uh... So you're weaponising the cows. Well, people are planning on weaponising the cows to take out,

I think we can all agree, a bloody asshole, Vladimir Putin. Oh, no, him. Beef, 2025. 25. Right, so let's move on to our next breed. Now, Vanessa, obviously I asked you to, last time you went slightly off message and brought us a pork breed. But maybe you could move on to one of the cow breeds this year that's got you

excited. Well, I have actually gone for another one from the world of pork, I'm afraid. Jesus Christ. I mean, you did ask me here quite last minute, so. I do wish you told me about this cancellation because I could have bought Marston Steed, okay? That guy's

the deputy editor of Beef Week, and we're just poached him for the New York Times, actually. No, thank you, Alan. Do you want me to talk about the pig breed? Quickly. Okay, so what I want to tell you about is the Devonshire Saddle Bottom

so it's quite similar to my previous pick but just bear with me so it's again ups the meat efficiency compared to the... Might just go on my phone for a bit if that's all right. Yeah, I might do the same fruit lindrine.

So it really ups the meat efficiency compared to the other swine in its class and it's just an all-round great choice for any pig farmer looking for new livestock. Not got a watermelon, sorry. Sorry, what's the problem? We're playing fruit ninja.

Carry on, carry on. And anyway, it's a wonderful breed. And so I think that if people haven't heard of it, they should really look out for it. It's the Devonshire Saddle Bottom. Is that honestly all you've got, all you bring to the table here? I don't mean to rude in front of your husband,

but it just simply isn't good enough, love. Yeah, but I mean, you're talking about insane levels of weird development. Innovation. The future. Breeds that haven't actually come to fruition yet, whereas I'm telling you about a fantastic new breed that maximise profits for the struggling pork industry.

Where's the charm? Where's the romance, Vanessa? But it's a practical solution. Look, Vanessa, you know, you've sat here. Alan, I'm loath to say this because I hate the man, but he has brought in some very interesting cow breeds and he's talked about them very interestingly. I mean, because we both work in an industry where innovation is happening, where art is happening.

The future. It is art. It is art. I see it is art. And I think cow breeders, they're out there painting with oil paints. They're out there making sculptures. They're doing things that are interesting. And it sounds like in the pork world, you're basically just dragging an old crayon across a bit of bog roll and going, will that do? I really don't think that's true.

Jim DeBis in the quality of the programme, darling. Terry? It's a mockery. You've made a mockery of it. Terry, you're my husband You're supposed to, like, stand up for me No, I ain't been, I ain't being horrible, I'm just saying

You know, you know what I'm like I say, what I say, what I think I call out Injustice, like, Like, Chris, like Chris, Carl Platt, Chris, Chris, Chris Martins You don't know, Chris Martin? I don't know, I know him, he was at the wedding.

You know I know him? He wasn't at the way, He was. Do you not remember? I say, there's him from Carl Plies there because I know his dad. Yeah, you might have said that, but it doesn't mean it was true. And anyway, you wouldn't remember because you spent most of you evening trying to calm down your friend who thought he was a cow. Yes, I'd side to ride him around, because that's the only thing what calms him down.

You missed the first dance because you were milking him, Terry. Do you know how that felt? He needed it. Alan, are you... Alan, are you writing things down? Sorry, Dunham is going to love this. No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't. Dogger telling Lenny, please.

Yes, exactly. Because he's a gossip. She, Terry. Huh? Len, not Lenny. Ah? Okay, look, let's, um, I don't know, let's just kind of, uh, take a moment. Pressure valve, I think.

Yeah. Um, but thank you, Terry for saying what you felt, because I think it's probably what we're all feeling. Beef. 2025. 25. Okay, so maybe is there another one

you've brought in Alan? Yes, I do have another one for you, chaps. This is another exciting one actually. This... I've got one. Yep. Go ahead. I've done it myself.

I've done it myself. Right. I've got a CD player. I've drawn a face on it. That's not a cow, it, Terry, that's, uh... Well, actually said it. It's as much a car as what anything and what hers come up with.

Terry! Oh, messing about. Yeah. I love you, Terry. There's a good omen, your mother. Thank you. Beef. 2025.

25. Right, so we've probably got a couple of minutes left here in the studio. So we'll bring this to an end, but if anyone has anything they're dying to say... Oh, I've got one more. Is that, have we got time? Well, make it quick. Okay. So it's just one last one.

I wanted to squeeze in and it was announced in June and it's the Holloway Milk Pigs. I'm sorry, I can't listen to another word of this. This is tedious. This is tedious. I'm sorry, I've been very polite to you and listened to this nonsense. Not really, Alan. I'm sorry, we can't end the episode. This is a big year bumper special.

We can't end on it. It's like ending a day of Alton Towers where they're, colonoscopy. We're not doing it, all right. I'm not listening to your just relentless driveling on. We cannot end on another just boring, relentless pig monologue. I'm sorry. This is as boring as hearing about your bloody wedding, quite frankly. Oh, hang on. Hang on. I'll knock your teeth down your throat in a minute. I beg your part. I says I'll knock your teeth down your throat. Talk about more, well, wouldn't you? I'll put me hand down your throat and pull your lungs out.

Do you want to watch your mouth? Buster, I've got friends in high places. I don't care if you've got friends at top of a skyscraper? I've got friends on the ground floor of a skyscraper. Well, you'll want to watch out because I'll run a digger into the floor on it and knock the skyscraper over and crush everyone. If you don't, shut up, talking to her like that,

about more wedding. You want to watch your mouth? Aaron. I'm not called Aaron. Well, I doubt, okay. Speaking to her like that, like you've got something more important to say, you, I sat here talking about cows,

you make me sick and pair of you? I don't care about them Cows Stupid Darren's a better cow than mouse cows You see And he I even one is just ill I mean I'll be honest with her

Yes I was bored and awe when I was talking And I thought she's a boring person While she was talking It weren't even just what she was talking about But you now speak to her like that Can't don't hurry Or do like you when people talk to you like that

I know I really appreciate it Yeah because I mean I do agree that you haven't done a very good job here actually I was bored and distressed by a lot of what you were saying but I won't have nobody sat speaking she'll like that because you know there job

thanks Terry because I love you I love you being with me and you're being in my house and every day you'm there it makes everything better I think about you all the time when I'm doing a bit of work

when I'm talking to some somebody else. I'll just think about you because you... You am sick sausages to me. I don't even need sausages because I've got you. If I'm feeling bad,

I just look at you wearing my ex-wife's dressing gown. And it's just everything's all right for a minute. Everything's all right. And that's just because you're there. Everything's better

The world's better I love you, Terry Well Cheers Would you like a sausage? I'll be signing up to you Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No what I mean

I'm messing about Right Okay well maybe Alan if you just I'm sorry Vanessa Thank you Alan Would you like to tell us about the Holloway Milk Pig? Yes, please do.

Terry, do you want to hear about the Holloway Milk Pig? No, not particularly. Then no. Beef, 2025. 25. So thanks to Alan Bauker from Beef Week. Pleasure as always. And I hope the Lainer Dunham Drama flops hard.

Well, we'll see. I'll see you in the streaming wars. And Vanessa Renard. Vanessa Tops. Vanessa Topps, so I'm sorry, of course. Thank you for coming in at such short notice. And Terry, it's been an absolute pleasure. Yeah, cheers.

So that's where we've got time for this week. If you're after more Beef and Dairy News, get over to the website now, where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we put Irish Singh sensation Enya through her paces on an obstacle course. So, until next time, beef out.

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