Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 13 - Rio Special

Episode Date: July 25, 2016

Miles Jupp joins in with this month's Rio special, recorded in Rio De Janeiro ahead of the Olympic games. By Benjamin Partridge and Miles Jupp with thanks to Helen Zaltzmann, Mariana Maioline, Felipe Galvao, Vanessa Del Negri, Regina Souza, Marina De Menezes and Marcellus Lima. Also countless Brazilians on the answer phone. Music: "At Dawn" by Dana Boule (www.danaboule.com) Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com        

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Grazex, the latest grass replacement pellet from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Grazex is the official food supplier to Team Lithuania at the Rio Games, proving that Grazex isn't just the perfect food for animals, but also for triple jumpers, shot putters, and javelin daddies too. For 10% off your next order, scream the code GOLITHUANIA at our website. Hello and welcome to an Olympic special edition of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals Hello, and welcome to an Olympic special edition of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine brought to you by Grazex, the official food supplier to Team Lithuania, whose athletes plan to eat nothing but Grazex for the duration of the tournament. Let's sit back and watch those world records tumble. It is also thanks to Grazex that this podcast is being recorded on Rio de Janeiro's famous Ipanema beach. Grazex have sponsored this entire trip, including my accommodation and the use of a local guide and fixer, Xabertu, whose local knowledge and passion for Brazilian beef mean that we've been very well looked after indeed. And if you're listening and starting to get a bit of Olympic fever, for a pair of tickets to the opening ceremony, buy them from the relevant website. Later in the show, some heart-hitting reporting from the streets of Rio,

but first, my big interview with professional equestrian dressage rider William Hester, who earlier this month was disqualified from competing at this year's Olympic Games. Hello my name is William Hester and I am a dressage rider. Now maybe you could just remind our listeners why they might have heard of you I think you've been in the news recently haven't you? Yes I was in training for the Rio Olympics as a dressage rider and I found myself in a situation not really in any way of my own making. I've been disqualified because in the eyes of the people on various committees, I was riding a cow and not a horse. Now you say in the eyes of people on various committees.

Were their eyes mistaken? and not a horse. Now you say in the eyes of people on various committees, were their eyes mistaken? I was doing dressage on a cow, but I don't know why that's a problem, really. Well, I think it's just mainly that it goes against the rules of dressage, which is that you are to dance on the back of a horse. Ah, well, are those the rules? Well, I'm not an expert,

but what I'm saying is that every time I've ever seen dressage, and that's not often, but every time I've seen it, they've been on a horse. And also, I think you know in your heart of hearts that that is the rule, because when you were caught riding the car, you had disguised it as a horse. Well, that was partly as an attempt to sort of fit in i mean they they you're given the the delivery it's very hard to buy you know the appropriate uh bridal wear for cows so rather

than adapting the bridal wear to to fit a cow i thought it was better to adapt the cow to to fit the bridal wear so that wasn't a deception oh by no means no i was uh completely open about it but it just it just so happens that i well i there's a number of uh cows that i ride on and the one that i was riding on uh the day uh that this whole whole problem sort of reared its ugly head i was riding on a cow called debor And Deborah, it probably sounds unlikely, but Deborah has an ear for an accent and really was, I think, mimicking the other horses that were around us. And, you know, she was hearing them not make a mooing noise that she might be more familiar with. They were neighing and

braying and and she she joined in so you're denying the charge that you try to teach deborah to winnie like a horse she required absolutely no teaching whatsoever she's you know she it's just something that she has a uh a natural flair for but don't you see that some some people might say that in an olympic event not just dressage all the other events there's a there's a specific kind of kit you can use so for example if you're in the archery you have to use a bow and arrow you couldn't turn up at the archery with a sniper rifle for example isn't that kind of what you did not no not not really i mean it's a sniper rifle is is sort mechanized, isn't it? I mean, that's using a sort of modern tool of warfare

in the place of an ancient one, whereas cows and horses, they were invented in the same year. They were invented in the same year? Roughly. And so it's absolutely not an apt comparison. If I were to do archery on a horse, or I was doing archery on a cow, I would still be doing archery, wouldn't I? A cow would serve you extremely well. I think it would be ludicrous

to look at a man on a cow shooting an arrow and say that he wasn't involved in archery in some way. This brings me on to the campaign that you've launched off the back of what has happened to you. And maybe you could tell us a bit more about that. My initial objective was to allow cows to compete in dressage, or for people to compete in dressage on cows but I had I don't know if you know the concourse at Waterloo station but there's a bar there that opens quite early and I was sitting there one day and it occurred to me that I was perhaps being a little bit narrow-minded and actually that it's not enough just for cows to be allowed to be taking part in

olympic dressage cows should be allowed to take part in all olympic events sometimes in the place of horses sometimes frankly in the in the place of humans can a cow dive thinking now about the aquatic center that we'll be seeing at rio yeah, yeah. Well, diving is, I mean, anything that isn't nailed to the ground can dive. I mean, divers have gravity very much on their side. And if you had a cow on the end of a high diving board and it went off the end, it's hard to see how it wouldn't dive. It would struggle to stop itself diving. Could a cow run a marathon? Oh, yeah. Well, Deborah could.

Deborah is, like me, she's depressed. But, you know, physically, she's a very committed animal. She is not the problem. The problem is these kind of peacocks, not real, I don't know, the people, but they're behaving like peacocks. At the IOC, you know, these big cheeses, and I don't say that to demean cheese.

I know you have a substantial interest in dairy. How can I describe these people? They're, I mean, they're sick, sick in the head, a lot of them, absolutely sick in the head, absolutely, absolutely banal. You'd listen to them talking, you'd think, well, hang on, what the hell's up here? Can these people really be allowed to vote? More from that interview later. But first, we've used this trip not just to laze on the beach and be taken to some very fine restaurants by Roberto and go swimming with Roberto and go dancing until dawn with Roberto.

We've also been carrying out some muscular journalism. Early this week, I went to get to the bottom of the wave of protest which has greeted the upcoming Games here in Rio. Being here in Brazil has been great, but one of the things that I hadn't expected were the widespread protests about the use of lamb by athletes, trying to get some sort of advantage by eating that meat. Now, as you can hear, the people around me, they're very exercised about this. And, you know, it's a good thing, I think, that the people of Brazil, or at least the people here at any rate, know their lamb from their beef and they know what an athlete should be eating.

I'm going to go and see if I can talk to someone. It's disgusting. What's wrong with preparing for an athletic event in the old-fashioned way? A plate of bolognese, some burgers, a roast beef sandwich and a big bowl of heavy mince. I was a professional marathon runner for years and I was at the top of my game until I had to retire at 24 for medical reasons. That's why I'm on the streets today. The world needs to hear the truth. I don't even believe that lamb can make you run faster.

It's all propaganda from New Zealand. So the protest has been going on now for about two hours. They say they aren't going to leave the street until they've had some sort of assurance from either the government or the Olympic Committee that they will be taking steps to stop athletes eating lamb. Just to remind you, of course, that it is entirely legal at this stage. People here, though, very much think it's, while it might be within the letter of the law, it certainly isn't within the spirit of it. Also, worryingly, a faction from a counter-demonstration have turned up in the last few minutes,

waving big hunks of lamb, taunting the crowd. I haven't got a great view of them from where I'm standing but there's no mistaking that stench of lamb. So let's hope things don't get too heated. Anyway the word is that there's a larger counter demonstration taking place across town so I'm going to go and check that out. Okay very different atmosphere over here at this protest. Open lamb eating on the streets. I mean, I've only been here five minutes and I've already seen three generations of the same family

sharing a rack of lamb. There's a large woman with a sort of barbecue on wheels and she's handing out free lamb chops. I've got to say, there's a slightly more celebratory air to this protest and no surprise, I mean, everyone seems to be totally off their box on lamb. Let's see if I can speak to some. By eating lamb, the athletes can push themselves to their limits, break world records and put on a show for the crowds. Why should we care if their heart stops or

if their testicles fall off? It was their choice. Who cares if a beach volleyball captain has a blood transfusion from a ram and then their brain explodes? There are only four meets on this earth and God put them here for us to enjoy. This is the reality of modern sport. This demonstration has been going on now for a number of hours and it's only now that the military police have arrived. They're confiscating meat left, right and centre. And behind me I can see that they're getting ready to use tear gas and if I'm not mistaken, a huge gravy cannon.

I mean, it's good to see the authorities taking this seriously but horrible to see the shadow of violence fall across this beautiful city. Anyway, I'd better get out of the way before this gravy cannon starts firing. Okay, there's been a bit of a mix-up and the crowd seem to think that I'm one of the military police when in reality I was just talking to one of them about where they got their boots from. Okay, I've got to run, run, run. Okay, let's go run. Kabatu! Capato!

Back to our big interview with William Hester after this from our partners. Hi, I'm comedian Emily Heller. And I'm cartoonist Lisa Hanawalt. And we're the hosts of Baby Geniuses. Do you want to learn weird new facts? Do you like hearing successful, creative women talk about their poop? Do you want the scoop on Martha Stewart's pony? If you answered yes to any of these questions, our show is for you. We interview people like Paul F. Tompkins, Kristen Schaal, Maiful Che, and more. So check us out on Maximum Fun. And let us mess up your brain.

Yes, please. Now it's time to go back to our big interview with William Hester. It was at this stage in the interview that William revealed something rather extraordinary about the history of sport. Athletics is something that humans have kind of stolen as their own. It's a kind of part of their imperialism i suppose i mean the olympics everyone knows was started in ancient greece but what people don't focus on as much uh because i suppose it doesn't suit their agenda and it is an agenda they don't focus quite so much on the fact that they were overwhelmingly events for cows. That will surprise, I think, a lot of people listening.

So your assertion is that the Olympics in ancient Greece, which many of us will know about or think we know about, it was mainly cows competing. What evidence do you have for this? If you read descriptions of the first olympics um you know they're talking about uh the people taking part and they describe uh how fast they are or how strong they are uh but what they don't say is that they're human do you see i was very interested by the, in your literature, you had a section about the pentathlon.

That's right, yeah. Which for me seemed, in terms of your evidence, was really the slam dunk part of that. I was sceptical when I first got it, especially because of the spelling mistakes on the front of the leaflet. That was a result of swapping over from um apple to to microsoft uh word processing uh program but um yeah it should it should have been subbed slightly more effectively but as you know i am i am a one man band you know the spelling mistakes aside it was the stuff about the pentathlon that made me think hang on you know maybe this goes on to something can you can you tell the listeners a little bit about what you've discovered there yeah yeah well i mean the the pentathlon thing has been fantastic for me because i have

i have been slightly i can't pretend i haven't encountered some skepticism but when it comes to the pentathlon people are are sitting up and and and listening because if you look at what the events were in the original pentathlon now you've've got running, you've got jumping, you've got throwing. And this is going back and looking at the original documents. The original pentathlon included events that really look as if they had been designed for cows and not humans. Who can eat the most oats in a minute? A human would struggle to do that. A cow would absolutely wolf them back.

Because they would, remember, they would measure the results not in grams or ounces, but in buckets, the traditional Greek buckets. You know, sometimes in a minute, the competitors were putting away six or seven or eight buckets of oats. When we think of humans and human athletes taking on how many oats can you eat in a minute, our minds jump to the Usain Bolts of this world, the Jessica Ennises.

They're exceptions that prove the rule. I mean, they happen both to be able to consume vast quantities of oats. But that is, they are exceptions. Because Jessica Ennis, if rumours to be believed, managed to knock back nine buckets. Yeah. Last year. And that's not even a personal

best. She is an exception. And also, I think even she herself would admit that it affects her ability to high jump. It's not really an appropriate event for her. It's more of a party trick. You ask anyone that's just eaten nine buckets of oats to hurdle and it would be an it would be an unpleasant spectacle so william hester thank you very much for talking to us uh my pleasure it's very uh thoughtful of you

to to feature uh me and my campaign uh and if uh any of our listeners want to get in contact maybe they've heard the interview and they're uh exercised by the idea and want to get in touch. How can they do that? Well, there's a number of ways that you can contact us. We have a Twitter handle or the website, which is Beef Riders. Beef Riders? That's right, Beef Riders. Good luck Googling that one. Sorry?

Nothing. We have a JustGiving page, William Hester Dressag Rider. I missed out the second E in dressage. That's William Hester Dressag Rider. All one word. Right. That is JustGiving. You can donate to the campaign and you can leave messages.

Anyone that signs up to our mailing list or that makes money, I will send you a signed photograph of me and Deborah. That's very generous of you. It really does seem like the least that I can do. Thanks again to William Hester. That interview took place a couple of weeks ago, and since then William's campaign has had something of a breakthrough, as in response to his tireless efforts and in no small part his TED talk, which advocated the inclusion of cows in Olympic table tennis, the Olympic Committee agreed to trial an event with cows as competitors. They sent us the following statement.

In order to settle the matter of whether cows can safely play table tennis, we have conducted a number of studies with the help of elite universities here in Brazil. All of these studies had negative outcomes. One study proved beyond doubt that cows are unable to hold a table tennis paddle in their teeth. During another study, the cows' udders slapped against the side of the table in a way that the spectators found so disgusting that many vomited through their bubuzelas. Our conclusion was that cows are unsuitable for the sport and that table tennis should be left to its traditional competitors, small, boring humans. Regarding that statement, William Hester has sent us the following response

I refute the results of these so-called scientific studies to begin with it is perfectly possible to train a cow to hold a table tennis paddle also the slapping of a cow's udder against the metal edge of a table is not something to be disgusted by I would describe it as more of a celebratory thing thanks William so that's almost all we have time for by. I would describe it as more of a celebratory thing. Thanks, William. So that's almost all we have time for. But while we are here in Brazil, we thought we'd take the opportunity to find out which beef dishes are the most popular here. I know how Roberto likes his

beef, but what about the rest of this great country? We asked Brazilian network members to ring the Beef and Dairy Network on the phone and leave us a message telling us what their favourite beef meal is. And what would it be? A rustic beef skewer, a brace of glamorous beef kebabs, or a platter of beef medallions served by the widow of an enemy? Here's just a selection of the messages we received. Meu prato favorito são deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Hum, meu prato favorito são as deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Hum, delícia, delícia! A salsicha de carne de boi!

Salsicha de carne de boi, muito bom! Eu amo salsicha de carne. Eu adoro comer deliciosas salsichas de carne. Eu poderia comê-las todos os dias. Deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Pode vir, minha senhora, é uma delícia. São as deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Pode vir, minha senhora, é uma delícia.

São as deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Meu prato favorito são deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Salsicha de carne de boi, salsicha de carne de boi, salsicha de carne de boi. Eu só consigo pensar em salsicha de carne de boi. Salsichas de carne de boi, salsicha de carne de boi, salsicha de carne de boi. Eu só consigo pensar em salsicha de carne de boi. Salsichas de carne de boi? Eu ouvi dizer salsichas de carne de boi? Eu adoro salsichas de carne de boi.

Deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi Deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi Deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi Hum, meu prato favorito são as deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi Deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi Eu... eu adoro deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Eu... eu adoro deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Eu estava com muita fome, cheguei na minha casa e abri a geladeira e me deparei com deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. Foi o dia mais feliz da minha vida. Após um longo dia de trabalho, eu amo deliciosas salsichas de carne de boi. After a long day of work, I love delicious beef sausages.

If you don't like delicious beef sausages, you're dead to me. Mmm, delicious beef sausages. So sadly that's all we've got time for from Ipanema beach here in Rio de Janeiro. We're packing up our recording equipment and it's amazing to think that in a matter of hours I'll be bidding a tearful goodbye to Khabertu. Amazing to think that this time last week I didn't even know he existed. Goodbye Khabert Roberto. Goodbye. So if you want more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now, where there's all the milk prices, the beef forecast,

and track-to-seat pioneer Gus Rickles sings us through the Great American Songbook. Also in our off-topic section, we've got a guide of what to do if you find yourself choking on a pine cone. So until next time, beef out. Thanks to Miles Jupp, Helen Zaltzman, Mariana Mayerlein, Filipe Galvao, Vanessa Del Negri, countless Brazilians on the answer phone, thank you to each and every one of you. Thanks to Marina de Menezes for help with that.

Thanks to Marcelus Lima for his translations and finally thanks to Regina Souza who you can hear singing now. Thanks to everyone who's left a review on iTunes and also may I remind you that tickets for Beef and Dairy Live, which is taking place in September in London, are still available from the King's Place website. Ciao! Hey, you work hard, you play harder, you look great and you smell fantastic. You deserve a vacation where you can kick back, hone your creativity, enjoy incredible comedy performances

and make some new lifelong friends in a maybe haunted inn in the Poconos Mountains. We've got The Adventure Zone, JJ Go, Joe Firestone's Friends of Single People, plus stand-up from Aparna Nancherla, Phoebe Robinson, Kevin Avery, Joel Kim Booster, and way more. Join us for MaxFunCon East, September 2nd through 4th. There are only 10 rooms left, so head to MaxFunCon East, September 2nd through 4th. There are only 10 rooms left, so head to MaxFunCon.com and nail down your tickets today. Like now. Do it.