Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 131 - Rice To Meat You

Episode Date: February 28, 2026

Jonathan Oldfield, Ada Player, Tom Neenan and Linnea Sage join in this month as we discover that a sizable minority of the British public has never seen a cow.  Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com Music credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com: It's All About Us/Jaslyn Edgar Graveyard Blues/Roy Edwin Williams

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The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as a printed magazine, brought to you by Mitchells. And Mitchells have extended their crossed horn sale for another month and added new lines to the sale, and it's worth having a look at because some of the things on there are useful even if you don't work in agriculture. For example, just this weekend, I've been buffing all. of my fine china using a huge rotating brush, which is designed to scour dried shit off the cow's ass. Now, new statistics were released this week by Bovstad UK, showing that while over 80% of Britons see their first cow before the age of five, for the first time since

records began, over 10% of the UK population have never seen a cow. Looking to combat this is Ray Lodge, who has set up a charity which aims to safely introduce adults to cattle. Earlier this week, I was joined by him, as well as someone who he has recently helped, and a well-known friend of the show and TV Doctor. Welcome to the studio, Ray Lodge, Christine Boatman, and Dr Sam Archer. Hello. Hi. Hi.

I'll start with you, Ray. You're a former social worker. You now run a charity called Rice to Meet You, Meet, Spelled M-E-A-T. Maybe a good place to start is you could tell us about how you started the charity, or why you started the charity. Well, so I started out as a social worker in a town called Worthing, South Coast of the UK, and it was a nice place to work, but I did notice a sort of trend. I would call it an upward-facing trend. The longer I lived, the more I noticed it. And what I found was that people across all sectors of society, they would sometimes have a light gone from behind their eyes, almost as if it was never lit, like an unplugged gas boiler.

and I started to think, why is that? You know, where does that come from? What does it mean? And that's really where the charity started. Now, those people were part of the, we now know, 10% of the British population who've never seen a cow. How is it, do you realize that that's what was going on, that these people had, and correct me if I'm wrong, never, ever seen a cow? Well, I asked them. I said, have you ever seen a cow?

Everyone I worked with. And many, many, many, many, many people said yes. But how did you come to the question? Well, I asked a few other questions first. Okay. So I asked, have you ever tried yogurt? Right. Have you ever sat on a train backwards?

Right, I see. Have you ever met a cow? Right. And it was when I hit that third question and I repeatedly got noes. And I correlated that with the evidence that I had of the lack of light behind their eyes that I started to really think there's something here that needs fixing. And, well, it was only two or three weeks later that I read in Viz, this statistic. 10% of the population, 10% have never seen a cow. It shocked me.

It shocked me to my call. Now, Christine, you're here. because you're someone who's been helped by Rice to Meet You. Hello, yeah. Now, I'm already saying that you didn't see a cow until you were 31? Yes, 31 and three quarters. It was my birthday, that's how I can remember, so vividly. First of all, thank you for having me on this radio program.

I've never been on the radio before, so it feels really exciting to be able to share this story with the radio. So, yeah, I was 31 and three quarters, and well, Well, all I can describe is that I met the person who changed my life, who took me by the hand, led me onto a bus, blindfolded. And showed you a cow. Yeah. Dr Sam, hello. You're here to give a kind of medical perspective on all of this.

But before we get there, your first cow, do you remember it? I was very fortunate. It was very experimental when I was born, but I was a recipient of something called instant infant bombardment therapy, which is basically I was born. I was then put in front of a screen and a rapid succession of images were put in front of me immediately. And I'm imagining that the eyeballs are pinned open? Yeah, pinned open

and then just they bombarded me with images of everything they thought I would need to see as an adult. So, Cowls, Bridges, planes, that kind of thing. And I have that topped up every year. So as new things enter the world, I will sit in the same room, actually. It's been the same room every year Still doing it

Yeah, yeah, still doing it So actually about three months ago I had my most recent top-up And that was images of things like Ring doorbells and Jojo C-Wern Just things that like have become important In the year before And so that first bombardment

When you were just a day old or something That included images of bovines Of course, yeah, yeah I think somewhere in between It was a backpack, a bovine, Mussolini And then a race car Just all things that you will need to see at some point.

So, yeah. So I was barely an hour old, but I'd seen a cow. And obviously you've grown up to be a successful doctor. Yeah. A TV doctor, no less, the best kind. Thank you very much. I did say that I'd plug your latest TV show. Get the plug in.

It's called Disgraced Sports Star A&E, your life in their hands. Exactly. That was a lot of fun. The, yeah, the Tiger Woods tracheotomy was a lot of fun to watch. Holding one. No, no, no. Hold in five in that case. So that's basically what?

it says on the tin, it's disgraced sports stars doing medical procedures for the public. Yes, yeah, yeah. So, yes, there was that one. There was an appendectomy that was carried out by Tonya Harding. That was a lot of fun. Using an ice skate, I believe. Yeah, well, you know, you've got to give the people what they want. Okay, Ray, let's talk about Rice to meet to you. You've told us about how you encountered these people. You felt they didn't have any light behind their eyes, and you felt that this was because they hadn't seen a cow. Yes. Before we get onto that, just let's just, let's just, clear up something about the name, why is it called rice to meet you? Well, because

rice to meet you to meet you rice. Yeah, but why isn't it just called nice to meet you? When we first set up rice to meet you, we did have a sort of two-pronged focus as a charity. The first was obviously introducing people to cows. And the second part, which we thought also might help a large section of society, is to help people who are scared or afraid of rice. Right. Okay. But now, am I right in thinking that you are, that the cows are already the focus. More cow focused. It turns out, and we did try, there's not that many people who are scared of rice. And you haven't thought to change the name, maybe you just dropped the rice bit? Oh, no, we'll keep that, yeah. Well, we got 100,000 mouse pads printed,

and they've got the little bumpy bit that protects your wrist. Oh, nice. Yeah, they're good quality. Yeah. Okay, Christine, what I'm interested in is when you were helped by rice to meet you, did you realize that you hadn't seen a cow, or was that something that they helped you come around to? No, I wasn't aware I had never seen a cow. It's what Ray here really helped me to discover. But I actually came to Rice to meet you with, I thought I might be scared of rice. Right. It's quite strange thing to think because all growing up, I loved rice.

It's a great, you can add any dish on top of it and mix it in, and then you've got like beans and rice or you've got curry and rice or yogurt and rice. Some people do eat that. Rice and rice. Rice and rice and pasta and rice. It just goes. There's just no way to describe it, but it just goes.

Sorry, it get a bit. It overwhelms me. But the thing was, I suddenly developed this fear of salmonella. I don't know, as you're a doctor, you might have heard of salmonella. Now, I don't know why any of the symptoms are, but I think if you get it, you can... It's something to do with snakes, isn't it? Um, oh yeah, after a fashion, yeah, yeah, that's involved.

I just, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Sorry, are you, are you humouring, Christine? Yes, it's nothing to do with them. Christine, I don't know who told you that. Well, my friend actually got bit by a snake and she got Samanella. I think that's Semolina. Let's not undermine Christine.

So, hang on, your friend, because... obviously I deal with animal bites. She was bitten by a snake and she got salmonella. She got salmonella. And probably because the snake was eating rice. Probably. That can happen.

Yeah, but anyway, sorry about that. I was scared of getting salmonella from the rice. Right. With a sudden thing that happened to me, all my life I'd love rice, suddenly, might have been a trauma response to other things going on. Right.

So I came to Ray and said, I think I'm scared of rice. He gave me a bowl of rice. Actually, it wasn't a bowl. It was a mouse pad. He kind of cupped with his hands and put some rice in. And I gobbled up the rice. No problem.

Literally no problem. It was the fastest I've ever seen anybody gobble rice. So it was a quick diagnosis for me. I don't mean to use that term wrongly. Sorry, I know I'm not a doctor. Go for it. It was a quick diagnosis for me, which was I thought, this isn't the rice. This might be something else.

I see. I see. Yeah, because I love rice. Yeah, and I guess you could see that the light had gone out behind her eyes, or maybe it was never there. Definitely, yeah, definitely. For the moment she walked in. Let's talk a bit about your life, Christine, before you saw a cow, before you met Ray.

My researcher tells me you were going through a hard time. You opened a restaurant. The moose restaurant. Yeah. And that was a bottomless chocolate moose restaurant. Yeah, well, yeah, there was no bottom. There was no bottom. And the thing with opening a bottomless restaurant,

especially with something as iconic as moose, is people want to find the bottom. And that young lad, you probably all saw the tabloids when that young lad drowned in moose. That was my restaurant. And I had to reckon with that. I had to go see his family, go to the funeral. I'm in a big, big trouble with the lawyers.

And that led to the restaurant closing down? Yeah. It's for the best because I was guzzling moose like there was no tomorrow. I'd do it quickly nip into the fridge, freezer. And I come out with all chalky around my mouth and the customers would be like, what's on your face? Because of the colour, it's brown. Yeah.

So they thought it was feces? They thought it was feces. Isn't that a bit strange? Like if you go to a chocolate moose restaurant and you see the proprietor all with browner in their mouth, wouldn't you assume that they'd just been eating chocolate moose? Well, what I forgot to say is I was guzzling sometimes in the toilet as well. Now, this is the low-eb where Christine found herself when she first met you, Ray. Can you tell me a bit about, do you remember when you first met her?

So she was, and I don't use this phrase lightly, in the pits when I met her. Yes, she was just about to go to the funeral or her. just been to the funeral? Yeah, I'd been, had been and had made a scene. Been and, she'd been, she'd made a scene. I should never have taken that wheelbarrow of chocolate moose to the week. It was poor taste. But I didn't know any different.

I guess you just thought you were giving them a lovely gift. Of moose. Of lovely chocolate moose. But they may not have seen it that way, of course. Now, Ray, it's obvious to me that Christine is a changed person. I think you can really see that in Christine now. And gosh, I wish I wish I could have, I wish I had a moment to take you back to when I first met her. I mean, when I first saw her, honestly, I thought she'd been eating feces.

Yeah. And look at her now. Christine, tell me about life now. Obviously, the restaurant, the chocolate moose restaurant is closed. What are you doing now? Well, now I'm doing a sustainable, community-driven ganache restaurant. Okay. I feel I ought to ask, is there any conceivable way in which a young man could drown in ganache in your new restaurant? Not in my restaurant. Not ever again in my restaurant.

So Ray, let's talk about your process when you have a new person who hasn't seen a cow. I'm led to believe it's not as simple as just getting on the bus going down to a farm and showing them a cow. It's a bit more involved than that. It's a slow process. Yeah, I mean, it's a very slow process. And whilst it's slightly different for every person, depending on who they are, it does follow a sort of set of guidelines, which involves, at a first port of call, large amounts of sensory deprivation. For Christine, Christine's circumstances was a day and a half of full sensory deprivation,

and then a slow introduction of Enya just for the years. So once we've pumped in the sound of Enya, and we've had that for a good chunk of time, we then start to pump in the centre of Enya. And this is where we find people really start to wake up, really start to get alert. It brings you really into the room, really into present. Now, we do sometimes in special occasions, have a sort of tactile experience with Enya. It's mostly hair. She sends it in the post. And we sometimes find that that's not needed, though.

The sound, the smell, that's enough. Christine, do you remember this process? Yeah, yeah, the sound and the smell was enough for me. I remember feeling very held and very safe. I had never heard Enya's music before. So it was almost like stepping onto an alien planet. But that was also beautiful. An alien planet where everyone's Irish.

Everyone's Irish was Enya. I feel so lucky that, you know, my sensory deprivation before I saw a cow was the womb. And before the womb was that sort of weird dead you are before you're born. Is there any evidence, Dr. Sam, that we hear Enya in the womb or something akin to Enya? Well, it's the other way around. So Enya's music is designed to sound like the womb. Right. So when you're listening to Enya, it's taking you back to a state before maybe you had

nipples, before you had eyelashes, that kind of thing. That's why it's so relaxing. Yeah, that must have been why I felt so like that. Yeah, wonderful. Like I lost sense of my nipples completely. And of course, when we're in the womb, in that period before our nipples have developed, we are all actually technically Irish, aren't we? Medically speaking.

Yes, exactly. It's that thing where everyone's Irish naturally. it's a little glitch in genetics that mean that you're not Irish as you come out. So yeah, we're all born Irish and the rest of drag. So Christine, obviously you can remember that period when you're in the sensory deprivation. You're just hearing Enya losing sense of your nipples. That's quite a relaxing place to be, isn't it? Because once your nipples are gone, you don't have to worry about them.

Yeah, yeah. You don't have to leak in or rubbing or chafing or people seeing them and thinking they're silly. It's just, whew, so much baggage. Gone. I'm free. I'm just completely free now. And Ray, you mentioned the tactile sensations which are then brought in touching Enya's hair. Am I right in thinking she'll sometimes send some teeth through in the post? She has done. It depends what she's got spare. So how does this work then with knowing whether you need to bring in the Enya hair or the ania teeth?

Is it a case of saying to the person, can you feel your nipples? And then if they can still, it's time to move up to the next level? That takes us to the next level. Exactly. Yeah. So it's a sort of nipple. It's the sort of nipple check that we do. Right. I do consider myself a kind of doler in these moments, gently coaxing, easing, supporting, emotionally as well as physically and checking whether the nipples are felt or not. When you say the nipples are felt,

do you mean checking if the nipples are made out of felt? Sorry, no, as in whether the nipples are a feeling sensation. I see. Yeah. Although we do have felt nipples too. Right. So what are they for? Is that to replace the original nipple?

Well, if you lose sensation in your nipples, sometimes in order to bring them back after the, process, we place felt nipples on top because they're obviously incredibly sensory. You can feel a felt nipple. And sometimes that takes a couple of days to come back. You know, like when you've been to the dentist and you've had a little bit of... And they've injected your nipple. Exactly. I've felt a felt nipple. And it's a special feeling, isn't it? Very, very special. So, Ray, after the sensory deprivation and the slow reintroduction of the senses via enya, what's the next process? So then the second stage is we take you back outside and we've got this

fantastic vista that we rent. So it's a bench, a wooden bench at the top of a hill looking down on a long, I suppose you'd call it field. And we sit you on the bench. Now obviously a day and a half of only enya, only enya in the ears, only enya in the nose, sometimes enya on the hands. Bit of enya in the mouth. Sometimes a bit of enya on the mouth and no eyes.

So this next bit is very, very slow. we remove the first layer of the blindfold, wait 20 minutes, second layer of the blindfold, wait 20 minutes. Eventually, once the blindfold is released, maybe I should try and describe it as if I was one of them. Please. What I see in front of me at a great distance to start with is a kind of lineup, a lineup that includes a cow, but does also include a leather sofa, a horse, and always a Ford Mondaio that we've painted to look like a cow. and the line-up stays there for a while so that you get adjusted to it and you think, is this a horse, is it a cow, I'm not so sure.

Christine, do you remember this part of the process? Yeah, I was like, shit, there's a shit ton of cows here. And Ray, Ray, Ray said, let me know there was only one cow. Right. That was, it blew my mind because I was like, I can see flipping loads of, and then he wiped some of the stuff off the Ford one, And I was like, oh, he got me, Ray, it's a car.

And same with the horse. Same with the sofa. Until I was just left with the cow. And what happens is that at the sound of a gunshot, the line-up moves 50 metres closer. Right. And one of them gets removed. Interesting. So you're like squinting, trying to see which one it is.

And I was so excited, isn't there? Because I was like, I need to say. see the cow now? Yeah, you're very excited. But he was like, don't rush it, don't rush it. And we just did the process and got closer and closer. Until you're left with one thing on the line up, a cow, and it's almost directly in front of you.

And I'll leave it to you. It's just nose to nose with a cow, you know. There's nothing like it. You can smell its eggy breath and really let me reach out and touch his little ear. A little bit crispy inside. Didn't expect that. They've got the same stuff inside there is as us.

But nobody ever told me that. It's looking deep into those blue eyes. It's like you feel a sense of oneness with the world. And like I've never taken any drugs. But if I did, I would imagine this is what it's like. More after this. What's the latest trend in hiring? It is skills-based hiring.

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Meet your match on zip recruiter. Now, Dr. Sam, am I right in thinking that there is a medical basis for what Ray is doing? A child can look at a cow for the first time and be fine, but you can't take an adult and very quickly just put them in front of a cow. It does need to be a slow process. Absolutely right. I'm actually glad we're discussing this now because that is very important to go. go from never having seen a cow to suddenly being confronted with a cow. If you imagine like a deep sea diver getting the bends,

so you're underwater, you're in the dark, under a lot of pressure, that's your existence having never seen a cow. A similar experience, perhaps, to being underneath litres and litres of warm chocolate moose. I don't want to be triggering, but it would be exactly like that. It is triggering, but yes, it was exactly like that. Unable to get to the surface, running out of air. Drowning, gobbling it all. He's trying to get it all inside me.

But it's never in the supply. Yeah. And it's my fault. When you reference the moose being all inside you, do you mean that you tried to eat the moose to save the boy? From what I understand from the reports the boy was trying to, is that right? I'm just discussing my own problems with addiction. The boy did drown.

And I could have helped more. But I had my own demons. Yeah. But they're gone. Gone now. Just like the boy. Just like the boy. Anyway, please go ahead.

No, I mean, sorry, like I say, I'm sorry to use this metaphor. But, you know, as you ascend, as you reach the light. Which he never did. No, sadly not. From what I understand, he was trying to eat the moose. And in doing so, he got heavier and sank. Sir, I just want to say, I think he probably is in heaven. So you're ascending as the boy.

has, but... He went to heaven. To a point at which you can see the cow. And in doing so, a lot like deep sea divers, if they ascend too quickly, the blood fills with too much nitrogen and they black out and they get the bends. So what you're trying to do essentially sort of mitigate circumstances in which, yeah, somebody goes insane because the transfer from no cow sites to suddenly being confronted with the cow is too sudden.

I think many of our listeners might be skeptical about this. they'll be thinking, surely you can just take an adult, put them in front of a cow. What's the problem? Oh, I'd be really, really reticent about that if it was me. I would really, really not do that. We found out the hard way at our charity that that's not the right thing to do. Too much cow too quickly, for somebody who's never seen a cow, can be incredibly overwhelming experience, and I really wouldn't recommend it. You said you found out the hard way.

Does that mean that this is something you tried with someone? Well, there was a fella down in Worthing by the name Paul Simon. Not that one. Not that one. And he said to me, I've never seen a cow. And this was the early days of the charity. So I grabbed him by the rough and I took him up to a field. And I do regret this. And I can sit here now and say that I would never do this again. But I witnessed him looking at a cow too quickly, too suddenly and too adultly. It's hard to describe. But what I watched was somebody ingest a cow too quickly. When you say ingest, do you mean? With his eyes. Yeah. And what happened next was a kind of cow mania, an overwhelm in which the process of looking at a cow and that information coming into your brain does unfortunately push out other information. Oh, right. So he immediately, you know, at the drop of a hat, the click of a button, at the snap of a finger, at the splash of a water park, he saw a cow. And what left his mind was quite crucial information that is needed.

Okay. What kind of information are we talking about? Bit of a potluck, really. Right. So for him, he lost his ability to speak French to cook ragu and to identify any other animal. So every other kind of animal was pushed out? Because the cow came in. And now you've got a situation where he doesn't believe he's ever seen a horse.

So, for example, so when he does see a horse... Same thing happens again. So it's a kind of auroboros self-eating snake situation where once the cow's been ingested, all the other animals go. Every time you see a new animal, it pushes out even more information. Right. And it's just an endless loop. Yeah, this is actually called Noah's Ark Syndrome. And the head is the ark?

Yes, containing the knowledge of each individual animal. But then a huge cow comes onto the ark. Like a tidal wave. Right. And knock some of the other animals off. Is this a condition that you yourself in your practice as a doctor have come across? Yes, I've been treating someone quite recently. Mark Fuller, he's allowed me to say his name.

And he just saw a cow far too quickly? Too quickly. And he was sending me messages as the Noah's Ark Syndrome took hold and with his permission, I'll share them now. He started off by just saying, caribou's gone. Completely forgot what a caribou was. He's gone and said, just lost tortoise, no more possums, and then just his final ominous message,

What the fuck's a weasel? Ray, the man that you showed a cow too quickly, Paul Simon, not that one, how is he doing now? He's doing a lot better. We managed to slow his brain down. Oh, how did you do that? Bike helmet filled with ice. Sorry, bicycle helmet, what?

Filled with ice. Right. And that really slowed the process of the in and out of the animals. Oh, so you could see that it was happening and then you thought, right, we have to put a stop to this. We need to put a stop to this immediately. But it's taken months. And bless him, you know, Paul, he's going through a really, real difficult year. Obviously, first half of the year, he forgot all the animals.

And then second half of the year, he lost his son in a moose restaurant accident. Oh, it's a bad way to go. Trust me, I've had the experience. So, Christine, this all seems. seems like a very positive experience for you, everything you've done with Ray. Would you recommend the program to any of our listeners who are maybe thinking perhaps they haven't seen a cow? 100%. 10010%.

I know we were just talking about his, you know, the man who saw too much too fast. And I know me and Ray have had long conversations about your feelings of guilt and all of that heavy, heavy stuff that you carry around every day. but he's still helping people. You know what? I think me and Ray, we're proof that you can do bad things. You can show a man a cow too fast or have problems with your business. But if you bring good into the world,

which is it's okay now. It's all okay, isn't it, Ray? It's all okay. And thank you for saying that. I feel quite emotional, actually. We've definitely formed a very, very, very deep bond between us through this. It's special.

Yeah, just last week we were both watching friends at the same time in our own apartments. And then we just realised on the messenger. So we went around and we watched it together. We just sobbed the whole way through. Absolutely sobbed. Absolutely sobbed. I mean, they were on a break. But we're not. Yeah, we're not.

We're sleeping together. Oh, okay. But it's casual. It's really casual right now. It's very early days. But it feels like something. Right. I mean, this is interesting.

I think some people listening might think that, you know, Ray, you have a sort of duty of care over Christine. There's a kind of power differential there that maybe, you know, this makes this kind of ethically dubious. Well, I don't sleep with them until after they've seen the cow. Yeah, I'm not sure that kind of covers it, ethically speaking. Obviously, this is something that Dr. Sam, you've obviously had to think about. As a doctor, I don't know if you can... Sorry, from a medical point of view as well, like, there is obviously a danger with having any involvement with somebody

who you've treated in a medical way, and that does make it hotter. So good for you guys. Yeah, I'm not sure that was all that helpful, really. Because do you see, Ray, people might listen to this and think, oh, the reason he's actually doing this is just to find vulnerable women to sleep with? I really, really, really refute that. And I know that it's going to sound a bit glib at this point, but what I do is spiritual.

And whether that leads to something physical is completely up to the women and men involved. Because you are quite, you're quite creepy. I would describe myself as that. It feels like a good time maybe to air some of the criticisms that I've come across online regarding what you're doing. I'll start with this one. apologies to anyone listening, it's a bit shocking. How do you respond to the claims that you are seen shagging the horse in the Mondeo? That one is, well, it's a white lie.

I was kissing the horse and it wasn't in the ford. It was on the sofa. Okay. This kind of criticism really seems just to bounce off you. I have no shame. Okay, what about this one? People saying that the whole process is bullshit. it. The only reason you're doing it is to set yourself up as a kind of guru, to perhaps have

some kind of sexual dominion over the people that you're working with. And latterly, I know that you've actually signed up a number of celebrity ambassadors for the charity. And some people are saying that the whole reason you've done all of this is simply to meet Phil Collins. Well, Phil is a good friend and a very strong supporter of the charity. And... Okay, but what is the actual nature of his involvement in what you're doing? So, Phil is actually the one that rented us the field where we do the progress. And it's actually his Ford Mondea. Okay.

So he really, really heavily believes in the project. His horse? His horse. Right. His sofa. Right. Yeah. Gosh.

Yeah, it's changed my life. I met Phil Collins. He's just an epic lad. Play snooker every day. Every day. And I've met him. Dr. Sam. So if this treatment is successful and if we take Christine as an example, it seems like it probably is,

why isn't this available on the NHS? If someone comes into you and says, you know, I've never seen a cow, I've opened a bottom chocolate moose restaurant, is there anything you can offer

them? Yes, there's no free treatment whatsoever. So I would refer them to a private

practitioner if it was essential. If they thought there was a situation where they would go

from having never seen a cow to suddenly seeing a cow and that might happen in the

next few months I'd have to refer them to a private practitioner. But not

everyone is able to afford that. No, that's, well that is the risk in which

case let the dice fall where they may. And obviously there's rice to meet to

A lot of people aren't going to really understand what you do. And B, you can only, I imagine, work with so many people. I mean, I've got a limited amount of time. Phil Collins only lets us use the field for an hour every day. Which is when he's playing snooker, I guess. Well, he does archery in the afternoons, yeah. And with the greatest respect, I obviously wouldn't recommend you because of the creepy thing. Exactly.

He is quite creepy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am. He is, yeah. Oh, 100%. Yeah. And girls like it. Did they?

This one does. Oh, fair enough. But in this instance, I could be dealing with people who have an aversion to creepiness. And in that instance, I would, there are some things you can do from home. I wouldn't recommend it, but there are home kits you can have. It's not Enya's hair. It's a synthetic Enya hair. And you can sort of administer it yourself using an air and cupboard, your own mask and, you know, an iPod, an iPod mini that would be provided.

But like, it's better, obviously, to have it done the proper way, administered by a professional, no matter how creepy they are. But obviously it's prevention rather than cure. And what I'm trying to do is get infant bombardment therapy instituted in every neonatal ward in the UK. Okay. I mean, obviously the National Health Service is very struck for cash. I think a lot of people would think, well, that's going to be far too expensive to bring in. Well, there are solutions. Sponsorship, we're looking into sponsorship at the minute.

So we have a deal with the Hertz rental car company. All right. Well, they will provide the videos that the newborns, which, Obviously, there's a bit of shenanigans going on there where basically, I think, every third or fourth image is of the Hertz renter car logo, of their showrooms, of their offices. So what will happen probably is that a lot of children will grow up obsessed with the Hertz rental car company. A lot of children will assume that you can never own a car, that you can only ever rent one. And so car ownership might drop, but we're going to have a lot less people who are upset, who are distressed at their first sight of a car. because they're seeing their cow from second one.

Isn't that what we want? How do you think the other rental car companies would react to this? I'm thinking thrifty, alamo, enterprise. Zip car. What we could end up seeing is an arms race where every rental car company ends up producing its own video and it's who can get to the baby first, a bit like ambulance chasing.

So the baby's being born suddenly, as well as the doctors, the nurses, the midwife. You also have a number of representatives from various rental car companies queuing up outside the ward waiting to show the baby their specific video. There is obviously a risk that the baby might then become overwhelmed by the amounts of choice when it comes to rental car companies. And as an adult grow up to become obsessed with price comparison websites. Well, yes.

I mean, that's a whole other problem that I don't think we've got time to go into today. Anyway, you've been very interesting. Thank you for coming in, Dr. Sam. And Christine, it's been wonderful to meet you. Oh, it's wonderful to meet you. And best of luck with all the legal cases that are coming down the line. Thanks, I'm going to win them. Yeah, because you did nothing wrong, Christine.

I did do some things wrong, especially regarding the Vat of Moose and the young boy. It was far too deep and there should have been an escape hatch. And Ray, best of luck with everything you're doing. Thank you. Obviously, those criticisms notwithstanding, sounds like what you're doing down there is pretty creepy. Really, really creepy, but really successful. That boy drowned in a lot of moose. His last moments was just moose.

He took off more moose than he could chew. Thanks to Ray Lodge, Christine Boatman and Dr Sam Archer for that fruitful discussion. And I should have said so on the day, but Christine, thanks for the ganache. So, that's all we've got time for this month. But if you're after more Beef and Dairy News, get over to the web, website now, where you'll find all the usual stuff as well as our off-topic section, where this month we interview Enne's personal tennis coach and Vintner, Patrick Bonghanion. So, until next time, beef out.

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