Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 136 - Vet On A Battleship

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

Mike Wozniak and Linnea Sage join in this month as we hear about the new TV show from bovine arse vet Bob Trescothick, Vet On A Battleship.  Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com Tickets for our live show at the London Podcast Festival on 12th September 2026: IN HALL: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/podcast/beef-and-dairy-network-podcast-5/ STREAMING: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/podcast/beef-and-dairy-network-podcast-online/ Help support this show and unlock bonus content! Become a member at https://maximumfun.org/joinbeef

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Oh, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine. Brought to you by Donkey Busters. We've actually installed a Donkey Busters perimeter around this studio and we haven't seen a donkey here since. Apart from the miniature one we hired for my birthday.

God, that was fun. Anyway, this month I caught up with friend of the show Bob Truscothic. He's well known in farming circles as a bovine-ass vet, but is probably best known to the wider public from his TV series, Vet in a Helicopter, which saw him taking to the... skies in an old Air Force Chinook and treating stricken bovines across the length and breadth of the UK. It ran for just one series on Channel 5 before being cancelled, due to controversies such as the

infamous fourth episode, which showed a child mistakenly shooting scores of people and cows with machine gun, and episode 6, which was so extreme that it has never been aired. Bob hasn't appeared on TV since, but that is about a change. is Bob Droskothic and I'm a bovine-ass vet and I come with great news. I'm here to let you know all about my brand new TV show. Hi Bob. It's a great pleasure to have you on as always. Thank you. But this is huge news for you because obviously the last time you were seen on television that was vet in a helicopter. Yes. Which while popular amongst certain audiences was ultimately well certainly riven with what's the word? Well it ran into the hurdle of the man and

woman upstairs. Yeah. The executive strata of society. The suits. A little bit too raw, little bit too real. To the extent where even legacy media, I'm sure you remember,

tried to stop us airing the year, what succeeded in stopping us officially airing through their means, the last episode of the series and didn't renew it. Although, of course, that last episode has found a bit of life online. if you know where to look for it.

Not the easiest thing. I think you need some sort of, I think it's called Tor or something like that. It's dark web stuff, isn't it? Yes, exactly, yes. That's exactly right. Yeah. And there's absolutely found an audience,

which is lovely to see. So your new TV show. Yes. It's kind of on a similar theme to Vet and a helicopter. Do reveal it. This is, I believe, the first time you're revealing this anywhere.

I'm delighted to say that VETT on a battle ship is coming to screens near you very, very soon. This is on Channel 5. This is Channel 5. Yes. Who backed it immediately and have been really great in the process. Actually, I mean, I was talking about the executive class earlier on. They wanted to be an authored production.

They're just giving us their full support, funding, and allowing us to get on with making the show that we know how to make. And that's so refreshing. I mean, obviously, it was the execs at Channel 5, that canned vet in a helicopter. So some people might be surprised that Channel 5 are now picking up vet on a battleship. Well, they've got a different set of execs, you see.

They're younger, they're fresher, they are crushingly uneducated and selected at a point in their lives where they are raw. Many of them haven't even completed basic schooling. And that gives them such a lovely energy, I find. The child executive, much like the child soldier, has a purity to it, I think. And they've been very, very supportive.

Indeed, they're giving us their backing and they're allowing us to take the major creative decisions. They're pushing us not to hold back. Is that common public knowledge that Channel 5 is run by children? Oh, that's a good point. I'm not sure if I'm meant to say that or not. I probably should contact them, but that's the other thing that part of the reason

they're not breathing down our necks is they are actually quite difficult to contact, because I think a lot of them are too young to have phones. Because people might projoratively say, oh, at that TV channel, they just choose the programs by getting a chimp to throw a dart at a revolving dartboard. Which they have tried, yes. Yeah. But this feels like a kind of variation on that theme, really.

Well, of course, the reality is that, you know, legacy media, television channels, broadly speaking, are struggling to get the young generation interested in, you know, long-form entertainment, broadcast television, appointment to view. so who better to lead the charge than that generation themselves and work out what these people want to see. It's not as if they're anti-screen, it's just got to be the right screen in the right time, but I think if you've got the right show,

then they would be up for watching proper, proper telly with proper adverts in the middle. One of the executives, young Gary, lovely fella, was telling me that part of the reason he's so behind the project is because the last episode specifically of vetting helicopters, as he puts it rather sweetly, his favourite film. And he can't get to sleep without watching it

over and over and again and again. That's the episode that can only be found on the dark web. Correct. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Now, it's great to hear that you're back on TV. As we said, it's a number of years since vetted a helicopter. The intervening years, you've been doing this and that. You know, I've talked to you on a number of occasions, but it's kind of felt like you've, I don't know,

you've been bouncing around slightly rudderless, is it fair to say, that it's a kind of wilderness period for you? It's been complicated. It's been an adventure. Would I change anything? Absolutely not. Well, there's a lot of things I would change, but I'm, well, no, I can't. And it feels like coming home to be making television about my first love, you know, veterinary practice, you know, particularly bovine, arse medicine. Yeah, and I'm just so thankful. Well, it's, I, I'm just, I have Roger Davenheim to think, of course, who directed the original veteran in a helicopter. It was his original idea. He was the real go-getter.

He wanted, he was the one who really sort of put a firecracker under things and got things going. What was it that gave Roger the idea? Where did this? Why did Roger suddenly come to you with this idea? He needed money and fast. He, well, as a direct result of veteran helicopter, was imprisoned, eventually in Jacob. was imprisoned, eventually in Jakarta. That's where Interpol finally caught up with him.

And he was doing some time there, and took a very, very clever route out. His mother was able to secure visitation rights for the first time. And I don't know if you've met Roger and his family, but the resemblance between him and his mother is uncanny. They could be the same person. And he suggested to her that they switched clothes and she do the rest of the stretch.

And, you know, it's like social awkwardness and, you know, mother-son relationships. She couldn't feel she could say no. And by the time the prison guards had realized what was happening, and he was out of there and strapped for cash. I've not met Roger. I've watched the DVD extras of Vett and a helicopter.

That was obviously released a couple of years ago, and those interviews with him had actually done in the prison in Jakarta. Yes. And he does look like an elderly woman. Yes, well, I mean, that's actually, and he always has really. In fact, his break into film television in the first place was on the other side of the camera, of course. And he was doing a lot of sort of kind of snake oil bone health remedy adverts,

but was able to do all of his own stunts, but playing the part of an elderly woman. And that's how he learned his trade. So he comes to you, he says, Bob, I've got an idea. it's on a battleship. Yeah. I guess the obvious first question from you is, do you have a battleship? To which the answer was a very resounding no. Right.

And we, yeah, that's where the kids at Channel 5 really came in handy. A mixture of family connections, moving a bit of crypto around. A couple of tech bros got very excited and put in a bit of private money on the side. And we were eventually able to find a, yeah, well, a, what, decommissioned, a very storied decommissioned battleship. Originally the HMS Canada and served in the First World War

for the Brits and Remainting in the Royal Navy for a long time and then bought by Chile became their flagship and renamed the Almoranti La Torre which, well you may remember, you may not, it wasn't really talked about much in the Western media and the northern hemisphere at all really. They used that

led the way for their attempted invasion of the Galapagos Islands. Ah, okay. Okay. I mean, yes, I'd not heard of that, and I don't really think of Chile as being a naval power, really. No, they give it a go. Once in a blue moon, they give it a go. And it normally depends on when they've got the kit. So they had this brand new battleship, locks and loaded, ready to go. I guess once you've got a battleship, you sort of need to use it. You've got a battleship. Why, people asking, why have we got a battleship, what are we going to use it for? We didn't need to defend ourselves from anyone. There's no piracy and so on.

So off they toddled up the coast and gave it a crack. but they weren't particularly well trained in using their missiles or anti-aircraft guns and I believe the bridge was temporarily overrun by fruit bats and they turned back. Did those big tortoises get involved? I imagine they're pretty tasty when it comes to defending their island. Oh, there were casualties, absolutely on the Chilean side and they've been very careful to cover up those figures. But from what I understand,

The latest estimates are that roughly 4,500 sailors came home. It's estimated that probably 13,000 left. And I think a lot of that loss is attributed to the unusually large tortoises. I guess because they're the kind of thing where you want to go and have a look at them. So even if they're very obviously angry and willing to... Well, they can pounce. That's what people don't expect from an animal like that. They think they just roll up so long slowly and sort of idols away in the sand.

but it can pounce and it can jump higher than than the average man and they literally weigh the same as a sort of three quarters of a high-endai 10. Because I believe in Spanish they're called the Armoured Panther because of the way that they can bounce.

Correct, which is also what the High Endi 10 is called again in Chile. Yeah, it's no coincidence. So this ship then it's finding its way to the Chilean Navy. Did you buy it directly from the Chilean Navy? No, they're tired of, you know, sort of imperial style behaviours, and they then sold it off at a loss, actually, to a Greek playboy,

Dmitri Therfanidis, who used it as a sort of novelty restaurant. Okay, in Greece? No, actually, sort of circumnavigating the Antarctic. Okay, all right. Okay. So it was a real, real, real place. playboy set in terms of the people who were able to get out there in the first place. There was a sort of staging post in the Falkland Islands that then take you to a sort of private

plane and then you would be parachuted off that plane, hopefully landing on the deck. Very poor hit rate indeed. But I think among the bored billionaire class, that jeopardy actually enhanced their reputation. So they did get some early custom. I guess if you're a billionaire, it's worth it just for that chance to eat an emperor penguin. That's it. Yes. It served in, you know, I think at least three different ways. So you could have it battered.

You could have it on a flowery bap or just as a sort of garnish on top of a bowl of Wheatabix. So when you came to find a battleship then, you find out that this playboy... Dimitri Siphanides, he'd bored of it as these people do. Right. He'd moved on. Yeah. He was getting a lot of heat about the Emperor Penguin numbers, particularly when they decided to branch out and try out a sort of. of Emperor Penguin Shepherds Pie,

because mincing penguins, I mean, the numbers you have to get through. And if you're a billionaire customer, you want it fresh, you know. There's a lot of mince penguin being chucked overboard. Right. He was getting a flee in his ear. He'd had enough. And, yeah, and sold it to our consortium, and we were a way to go. Full tank of gas as well, I'm pleased to say.

Now, I imagine the cost of a battleship, even one as old as one, you know, it was commissioned for World War I, but I imagine it's still pretty pricey. Oh, devastatingly high. Devastatingly high. The crew maintenance refits. Yeah, the costs are absolutely enormous, yeah. Yes, the crew is something that I hadn't really thought about. I mean, I've obviously been sent the first episode of the series.

By the way, it is very good. Thank you. We do meet various members of the crew during that episode, but most of it's kind of very much behind the scenes. You know, a battleship usually has, hundreds of people working on it at only one time. Yes, which we're not able to afford. Yes.

Yeah. So talk to me about what crew you had and where you got them from. We found a stricken cruise liner. It's not quite clear how exactly it had a bit of damage to its hull, possibly off some coral. It was just bobbing around the sort of outer perimeter around Ascension Island. So we're in the South Atlantic at this point. And they were having an absolute nightmare. They're taking on water.

They'd already jettisoned most of the passengers. and they were looking for a lifeline. So we invited the survivors on board. They weren't allowed onto Ascention itself because they were in the middle of quite a big military exercise, which we disturbed, actually. And we needed a bit of trouble

actually turning up with a massacold. A battleship when they're doing submarine operations. Anyway, so we got, it was about 80-odd in the end, largely burlesque dancers, a couple of Can-Chan specialists in the mix there as well. One contortionist, and a close-up magician.

So none of the actual kind of people that can actually pilot the craft? No, no, no, no. They'd been picked off by snipers from the deck of the cruise ship, early doors, by troops on a central island. Just in that... I mean, this is the thing about international shipping.

In that early phase of when you're trying to work out what's what, who's who, you pop off a few rounds, you pop off the odd mortar, you chuck in a torpedo, and then when everyone's calmed down a bit, then you know what's what. Yeah, I can imagine. And so only once the kind of firestormers died down,

that you look again at that kind of ship and you go, oh, those aren't rocket launches, that's a flume. It's flumes. Why are there eight flumes coming out of the side? Exactly. Why has this battleship in an inverted commas got eight swimming pools that we can now see from our drones? Why, when we listen with our sonar,

can we hear what sounds like a Shirley Bassie Tribute Act? You know, these are not normal military sounds. But in the fog of war, they get lost. So those snipers taking out the crew of the cruise ship, are they British Army? Are they American? I don't really know what the status of Essential Island is. Yes, largely British and American, and I think they were doing a joint exercise at the time.

It's the Brits running the show, really, but there's a lot of Americans out there who are getting a bit just bored and feeling tasty and I've got a lot of very good kit. Right. And certainly not the sort of thing, an unarmed cruise ship can go up against very easily at all. Obviously, sailing a battleship into that situation is potentially quite dangerous. Were you not worried that you might end up similarly to the cruise ship, just getting peppered with fire? Yes, very worried.

And this only occurred to us very late in the day because we had no real idea where we were going or what we were doing at all. And I say Ascena Island, it took us a while to work out that that's what it was. Roger's initial idea was to turn the boat round and reverse towards

Ascension Island because he was certain that he'd read somewhere there was a naval phrase of showing your ass and that was some sort of the equivalent of sort of white flag. I wasn't sure that was true

and we settled on if you can picture a traditional battleship which Charles is there's the big. gun at the front. Can't really be aimed very easily. A pedal-operated gun. So we decided the clearest way was just to load a heifer in there and launch it at

the Central Island. We hit the roof of an air-controlled tower and then it was very clear to them, okay, this is some sort of bovine transport ship. It's not a proper battleship. Say it in gesture. Do you what I mean? Action speak louder than words. and so on.

And hopefully we made our peaceful intentions clear with that. In the first episode which I've seen, you make a connection between what you're doing on the battleship and the old naval veterinary ships of the early 1900s. Yes. People don't really know about these, but obviously you need vets at sea. Every fleet would have had one, of course.

Yeah, exactly. And I believe that traditionally they would fire a cow off into the sky just to show other ships that they would. a vet ship, which was a very skilled operation. And other navies would respect that and not far on you, but you had to be very careful to fire the cow in such a way, A, that it didn't hit another ship,

particularly a combatant ship, because then you are going to get their ire. But B, also that it doesn't go directly up and fall back down again and smash through your own deck. The cow wanger, it was called, was a very, very senior rank among the

non-commissioned officers on board. And if you could manage to get that car to land near the prow of the ship, then people understood you with a veterinary ship, and they'd leave you alone, just as they would leave the human hospital ship alone, and the bakery ship alone, and the musical ship, and all the other sort of associated sort of logistical support ships, that you leave them well alone. So up until the point where you do take on these crew workers,

I believe that the crew of the ship was just you and Roger? Correct. Yes. Running an entire battleship. And we were exhausted. 32,000-ton battleship. We were absolutely exhausted. Yeah.

Yes, it's 170 yards long. Yeah. We were knackered. We didn't know where we were. Starving, hungry, been living on 10 peaches. I'll give you a sense of our level of exhaustion. When we first approached her, Ascension Island,

Roger was convinced it was the Isle of Wight and tried to get us to go into battle stations. He wanted to attack. Okay. He just had a dreadful caravining holiday and ride some years previously. Yeah. And that was all he could think of.

He was just in an exhausted, dehydrated state. So, yeah, that gives us a sense of the kind of the vibe on board. Once you took on the 80 cruise workers, as you say, most of whom were dancers, were they able to help out? I guess they would have had some seafaring sort of experience. They were tremendous. Yes, I mean, they spent a lot of time at sea. You're dealing with people who are, well, for a start as they're fit. But more than anything, these are human beings in a state of great, desperate need.

and those people are pliant as they come and they will learn fast because they have to learn and the only fly in the ointment being I don't know surprises here the close-up magician was a bit of a twat it was just bloody hard work

yeah he doesn't actually feature I mean the episode I was sent you don't really feature him I wonder if that's a sort of editing choice he's not there for long I think we were maybe only two and a half weeks in when Roger ended up

stuffing his playing cards up the arse for Navadine Angus and tying him to an anchor and cutting him loose. There's a great bit in the first episode where you've got this crew for the first time and you're sort of nominally the captain.

Yes. And you realise you don't actually know much about the rules and regulations of the responsibilities of a captain. Yes. And so you get hold of an old naval kind of guide, kind of guide book. It was this old almanac.

I think it must have been there. I mean, there was a little note, quite a bawdy note from someone called Mildred. So I have to assume it must have been a gift to one of the erstwhile commanders during its Royal Navy phase. There's a great bit where you're reading through the guidebook and you get to the chapter about how much rum to give your crew. Yes, very strict regulations about that at the time of writing. but also the idea that if they start acting up, if they start complaining, if they start saying being unhappy with the food, if they start being unhappy with the workload,

you just up the amount of rum in the bloodstream, basically. Yes, you titrate the rum in the bloodstream. It was so lovely to have something that clear. Very clear. There were graphs, diagrams, measurements. It took a while to get the dancers on board with that because they're not used to, you know, that's not how they normally rehearse or operate a production company.

There were some arguments, early doors about mixers. We didn't have any mixes unless you want raw milk. But yes, they became even more pliant at that point, even more obedient. And willing. And Roger even remarked at one point

that we were edging on us what felt a bit like a sort of mass brainwashing. So episode one, as I say, is the setup. It's you finding the crew. It's you getting the stuff on the ship. It's you getting the supplies on. And then the rest of the series,

which I haven't yet seen, it's embargoed, is you doing your veterinary work on the high seas? This is what it's all about. Yeah. What was the idea then? You know, what are the opportunities that a battleship affords a vet? Well, it's movement, isn't it?

Above all. It's an incredibly safe form of transportation. You're not worried about scrambling up a muddy hill in your ancient Land Rover or what have you. You're not going to get mugged in the middle of a, you know, Birmingham City Center while you're on the way to deal with some, hamster in a flat somewhere it's no one's going to give you any trouble and you know you can get anywhere on the sea

with this piece of kit and you know that any animal that's in distress you can come to their aid oh what a wonderful feeling what a wonderful idea and having trained up our crew and we were now of one mind we had a mission

it was we were chocks away or anchors up I should say we were ready to go because in that last moment of episode one, I don't know if this is something that you kind of cheated for television, but there's a big red phone that you've kind of installed on the bridge. Yes. That lights up.

Yes. And the end of episode one is pretty thrilling. You're all absolutely battered on rum. Yes. It starts going off and then you suddenly sort of sober up as you realize, you know, shit's about to get real. Call number one's come in, yeah. You take the call and there's a goat in Sumatra. The pregnancy's gone wrong, the goats are coming out the wrong way.

And you say, don't worry, we'll be there in, between, between four and five weeks? Well, although I said three and a half weeks down the line at the time to reassure them, but it would have been at least four, probably five weeks, realistically. Yeah. Because we were going to hit some choppy weather, and we knew that ahead of time. What a feeling. What a wonderful feeling.

Now, as I said, I haven't seen episode two yet, but I'm having to assume that by the time you do get to Sumatra, that goat is dead. Well, the second part is right. First part, did we get there? We didn't get there. No, we went in the wrong direction in the end. it turns out we went to hard south

so we did need to hit the books a bit because it turns out none of us were very good at using a compass we were trying to use stars initially bear in mind this is the middle of the day that's just to illustrate how astonishingly rat-ass we were

so that was a disaster but great telly yeah there's a bit that I spotted you know you take the call and then you see in the background Rogers opening Google Maps on his phone yes and it punches in

and you realize he's got he's got no signal and it's actually it's a drawing of of Google Maps that he's stuck on top of his phone on a post-it note and it's really

a very little help but we did manage to get some assistance up and running we found one of the Cancans specialists had done Silver Duke of Edinburgh award

and it spent a fair bit of time reluctantly going on rambles with their parents in the Pennines so sort of did know the difference between west and north, for example. We found some old charts and, yeah, she became our chief navigator, Sally, and away we were.

And then we got our second call from, because word was spreading already, as you can imagine. From equatorial Guinea where there was an owl with a varuka. That was our understanding, at least, from the call. And off we sailed. As I say, I have not seen these episodes They are embargoed and you don't want to give too much away But are you able to treat the owl? Did you find the owl?

We did actually make it to the bird sanctuary I mean, listen, we've discussed this before My specialism is the bovine ass. There are a few things that are more different from the ass of a cow than the underside of an owl's foot You know, Talon, whatever you want to call it. and owls are they are not compliant patients at all

they don't want to go through the little Bernie sticks they don't want to be pumice if you're trying to pumice an owl I mean Roger kept all Roger feels that that's our comic episode right that's our comic moment is the footage of me trying to pumice

what turned out to be a sort of alpha eagle owl and I was an absolute state by the end of that. I didn't, I didn't realize how injured I was again because I was completely rat-assed, right? But he made absolute mincemeat of me. So not a success. No, sure, but Roger plays it for comedy. He's a great director. He plays it, this is the thing, because in a show like that, there has to be, there has to be light and shade, you know, and listen, I think one of my greatest qualities is, is my honesty. and my probity. So I am happy to show my failures. Of course I am. What about the rumors that published in the tabloids this week

that by episode four, a lot of the dancers are starting to fall pregnant? Yes. Yes. Well, it became clear that something was up. There was a lot of nausea on board. Which you can obviously sort of explain away on a battleship. You would think that these are sea-hardened veterans You know, there was a very randy, failed ballerino

by the name of Steve, who was part of the chorus line. And I think he was working his way through the gang. There weren't many men on ship. The close-up magician we've discussed, Roger and I, God, I mean, neither of us have had a high-quality erection for about seven or eight years. Nothing serviceable? Nothing serviceable, no.

And... So I think it was... Steve was very high up on the list of who it might be. And I mean, there was Fred Babington, who's the chaplain. He was mooted as well. He was from the cruise ship? We're not sure where Fred came from. And I think we all realised that none of us were sure. A bit late in the day at a point where it felt a little bit rude to ask, really. So I don't know that if... Is it possible that he kind of came with the ship?

Indeed. And if so, was he there in the Royal Navy Days? Was he part of the Chilean unit? How old was this man? Well, this is very, very hard to say. I mean, age-wise, and again we discussed this and didn't feel we could ask him, because he was very, very strong, very sinewy, but also very, very wizened and scaly. And there was something about the cut of his trousers that looked like there were. were probably made circa 1910, I would say. And there was

certainly nothing on his person, none of his personal belongings that I could date beyond that. So is it possible that what you're saying is that it's possible that he had been on the ship since it had been first launched for World War I?

At this time I think that remains the most likely possibility, yes. Right. And he just somehow stayed on there throughout the Chilean years throughout the restaurant years. But he was indispensable. I mean, if anyone had a question about it, I mean, he knew the ship like the back of his hand, you know. If someone needed to find a spare toothbrush,

if someone needed to find a spanner, he knew exactly where to find it. If someone needed to find a pile of late 1910's erotic novels, again, he knew exactly where to find that. Yeah. And I guess you can rule him out of the idea of impregnating 50 dancers. Yeah, a man like that. I don't think you can rule a man like that out of anything.

You know, he was mostly very quiet. He could be very withdrawn, but equally in a pinch. If he thought, for example, we were being attacked or raided, he could get very, very aggressive, very, very quickly. And sometimes it was very hard to know where he'd gone. There was one period I seem to remember where he thought we were being flanked by pirates

turned out to be a car ferry to Santander because we accidentally ended up in the English Channel for a bit which caused us some problems because we tried to stay in international waters obviously but we don't quite know what happened

what we're certain of is that one of the lifeboats had disappeared for a bit and we saw the chaplain we saw Fred a bit later sopping wet looking quite pleased with himself. And we did hear down the line that a car ferry had been scuttled

by an unknown saboteur. So as I say, he would fly off the handle hard and fasts, but then keep it to himself what he'd done afterwards. And he was a man a few words. I mean, for example, he only had one anecdote, although he would trot it out pretty regularly and on demand, which was, well, again, this date to him, I suppose. This is back in 1922, how he bested

a troop of 18 baboons on the Rock of Gibraltar. In combat? In hand-to-hand combat. Yes. Right. Wow. Okay. Yeah. More after this. I was in the butcher this week and I was buying some mints.

And I was already laden down with a lot of bags of other shopping. And the butcher looked at me once he'd package up the mints and he said, hang on, why don't I just wrap this and have this sent to your quarters? I said, really? I don't have to carry it home. And he said, no, no, no. I will wrap it and send it to your quarters. And do you know what?

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Now I believe, and again this has been reported in the tabloid newspapers, it's possible that episode 6 isn't going to make it to air, which has a kind of resonance with what happened with Vett and a Helic. helicopter where the massacre wasn't was televised. There's been no details though. Maybe I don't know if you can give us an exclusive here, just a bit of an insight into what it is that happens in episode six, which means that it can't be shown.

It's a complex. It's a complex story. Episode 5 went like a dream. Okay. We're called in to help a group of gapier students who are trying to introduce sausage dogs onto Madagascar. And it's a great episode.

It's heartwarming stuff. It's lovely to see young people trying to do something, trying to change the world to the way they want to see it. Okay? And it's a difficult environment for a dachshund,

for a sausage jog, whatever you want to call it. They're not bred to be there. And they've certainly never seen a lemur before. They do not know what to make of a lemma and vice versa. Lots of predators. turns out to a sausage dog in Madagascar, including animals that have previously shown no sign

of being predators to any animal. Okay. There's, for example, a very large sort of muscular, well, a jungle pigeon, really, I suppose, and they would organise an attack immediately at the sight of a sausage dog. There was even a kind of, it was a bit like a sort of vine or a sort of jungle weed that also sort of seemed to become carnivorous as a result of the introduction of these sausage dogs. So we were sending in wave upon, wave upon, wave upon wave. And it was absolutely tremendous telly.

And that's our penultimate episode. And then we think we've done everything we can, the projects. The tables are beginning to turn in the gapier students' favour. Oh, really? Yeah. Just with enough dogs, is it a numbers game? It turns out it's just a numbers game. Yeah.

And that's an ongoing project. I think they're doing brilliantly there now. They certainly, they've managed to in the end, what they've done, I think on the sort of south end of the island, I think they burned quite a bit of the jungle to the ground in the end

and put in some fencing. And that's where the Daxons are surviving. So, yeah, that's the approach then. I think I've seen them on Instagram actually, and they're doing really well online. They're great. Yes. It's so lovely to see entrepreneurial,

creative. And it's conservation at the end of the day. Exactly. Of flottage dogs. We, you know, there's this narrative that some people say we should just leave well alone. Well, if the jungle was this mighty beast and was able to repel sausage dogs and teenagers, then it would. Okay. And I think that's what Darwin was trying to get out, wasn't he, with the origin of species?

Obviously, in reality, he kind of just got completely sidetracked and just wrote an entire book about beaks. The guy's totally preoccupied with beaks. Beaks. I don't need a beak. I don't want a beak. Anyway, we got our final call. Well, what we think will be our perfect call for a final episode of the series,

which is from, and bear in mind, we are running low on cash at this point. We've got a lot of debt. We owe money to a lot of very, very nasty people at this stage. And we've been on ship for a while now, and a lot of the dancers are beginning to give birth. Right. There's questions of, this is in international waters half the time,

this question is of citizenship. They're from all over the world. I haven't had a passport for years. I mean, you know, who knows what to do. Fred just thinks it's hilarious. He's no help. Anyway, we get a call from a spectacularly wealthy, very junior prince in Kuwait, who has a collection of prized haddock, one of whom he believes has contracted syphilis. And away we go. Right. And this is a big money job. This is going to be, this is going to sort us around. This means that we're able to bring this back to the kids at Channel 5 and we've broken even. And that's even before we're broadcasting. Right.

Okay. So we refuel in Mombasa. It's pretty pricey, but we cut a deal. We release some of the ambulance new children because we've been filming for a long time now. Into Mogadishu. They're the only people that will take them. Off we go. we make a quick pit stop in Muscat for some tin peaches

and up we go. And, uh, I mean, this is why it would have been really useful to have Wi-Fi or Sky News or or something on the boat because, um... I mean, I think some listeners might be ahead of you here because they'll understand the geography of this area. Right. If you're going from, you're leaving Muscat and going to Kuwait, you'll necessarily have to sail through the Strait of Hormuz.

The Strait of Hormuz. Yeah. new to me that was and that was an absolute nightmare I mean for a start initially we thought oh there's some sort of festival going on this looks like fun

I mean there were boats everywhere massive boats right and kind of firework like yeah yeah yeah it looked like an absolute riot and we'd go past a boat people would be waving their hands in their air

they'd be firing flares all this kind of stuff white flags Rogers production company is called white flag productions do you know what I mean we thought this is brilliant and um

well you felt that these ships actually knew who you were? We started to wonder because the reaction we were getting was fantastic initially we thought we were just being nicely greeted and then we thought these guys they must have heard about what we've been up to. Maybe because Rogers managed to send the odd tape

with the odd clip, you know, the odd bit of rushes here and there. We had no idea whether those had made it back to Channel 5 because we'd just been putting them on the legs of an albatross and whatever we could find. Potlack, but we thought word has spread a bit. People have heard about what we've been up to. and we're going to be a hit.

And then we did start to take a little bit of incoming fire. Yeah, the first being a drone, which we were quite excited about, we assumed there must be a sort of, we could see something that was sort of fizzing on it. We assumed there was some sort of cake or something with some candles on. We thought that's quite impressive, keeping candles bit of this, you know, in these conditions. And it absolutely obliterated our remaining Cancans specialists.

not a scratch on Fred I mean he was just two yards away from the thing unbelievable the man is a sort of walking callus and then it became very very clear what was going on we got a stowaway from a sort of a sunken tripe ship

managed to scramble on board and fill us in on what's been what's been going on and I mean needless to say I mean it'd be one thing if you're afraid to bobbin about the Strait of Hormuz at the moment but being let me tell you being an unflagged battleship

people find very, very confusing indeed. So that incoming fire that you experienced from the drone, yeah. Are we, I mean, do you know who that came from? Are we assuming that's from Iran, or is that from the US? There's a lot of interests there, obviously. That almost became a moot point, because in the subsequent days, we took fire from the Iranians,

we took fire from American submarines. Somehow we also irritated the Qataris and the Emirates, and we were taking fire left, right and center. We're not completely blameless, I have to admit, because after the initial couple of salvos, it hit us, Fred just flipped. And as I say, that man knows every inch of that battleship. And he can move between the guns like lightning. And he was just firing round upon round upon round.

Thank God most of the rounds, most of the guns had been loaded with cattle, which confused the so-called enemy, more than harmed them. So I don't think we'd cause too many casualties on our side because at this point we'd fired all of our live-o ammunition, all of the cows and the contortionist all gone, right? Was there not a temptation just to turn around and go, obviously something's going on here? We were turning around and around and around throughout the entire thing.

Roger, who's supposed to be on the helm, was all over the place. I mean, to give you a sense of how panicky Roger was, we're going in these crazy shapes and circles. He's panicking. At one point we could see an escarpment with a naked eye never mind Bino's, and he became absolutely certain that what he was looking at was, were the needle stacks of the Isle of Wight. And again, I couldn't tell you which side of the straight that was on, but we did decimate a small village. And it's not our prowess moment.

But you do have to bear in mind that Roger was absolutely shit-faced at this point. Hmm. Okay, so you're in a pretty dicey situation. What happened next? things really came to a head of that point. We're running low on ammunition, as I say. Rogers, in a panic, he grabs the old almanac, the instruction manual, and flips to the last page.

It basically says, reading between the lines, it says, you know, weapons free on the rum. Okay, when in a crisis, whatever the rum russians are, you're on maximum rum. This could be your last rum. Finish the rum.

A Royal Navy ship must never sink with rum undrunk. I see. Wow. Okay. That's rule number one of the Royal Navy. So you can play? Of course we can play. Roger passes out at the helm. Our remaining chorus dancers,

they get up on the deck and they're doing the wildest shit-faced cancanny you've ever seen in your life. I mean, it's grotesque, it is offensive. These are skilled dancers. Right. These are fit people, but my God, it was obscene. All of it aimed directly at the Revolutionary Guard and they did not like it one bit.

Oh, I see. So they redoubled their efforts. I then spot that there's a strange little movement coming from our aft, which is a periscope. And I think, well, that's got to be the Yanks. Surely, maybe they're going to come to our rescue. The submarine partially surfaces,

who should appear at the top of the little turret thing, that bloody close-up magician? Who I learned later had somehow been picked up on some tiny little coral atoll somewhere in the middle of the Pacific. By the US Navy? By the US Navy.

Right. Well, I think my understanding is with submarine living is difficult, so my understanding is occasionally, you know, if they find a coral atoll somewhere, they will surface, you know, just for a shit and to get rid of the crisp packets and stuff like that.

Have a game of volleyball and then get back on board. Right. And I guess they probably couldn't believe their luck when they found a close-up magician. They love it over there. They absolutely couldn't, but they absolutely love this guy apparently. He's a smash hit.

Every submarine commander in the US fleet wants him on board. Right. Well, there he is. Cocker hope. I realize this is not going to be a rescue. I hear him reach for a megaphone. What does he shout down it? Is this your card?

He shouts gleefully. As soon as he said that, two torpedoes launch out of the front of bleeding submarine, straight into our port flank. We're done for. We are going down fast. Oh, so you take a direct hit from the torpedoes. Two torpedoes and the other side of the boat's getting it from the Iranians.

I mean, we're, I mean, we're barely a husk of a boat at this point. So is it, is it curtains for the... It's game over for the boat. For sure. No, I'm so sorry to hear that. We're going down. And the amount of, the amount of fire we've taken, there's no, none of our lifeboats are left. We don't even have life vests.

And, I mean, thank goodness. I mean, I, um, I a while ago, I had a bit of work done. Nicholas Summers. I'm sure you're familiar with him. Yes, we've interviewed Nicholas Summers. of the Nicholas Summers' lead and beef arse company. Yes, that's right. I had a bit of work done a sort of buttock enhancement.

He gave you the dump truck. He gave me the dump truck, and he gave me cut price because he was trying an experiment. He didn't actually use much lead. He used, it was a pure beef dump truck, and I gather that he used some very, very, very, very fatty cuts. So the fat content of my ass is so high that it's like a floating beacon now.

and my ass was my life fest. Wow. So I'm just bobbing about gasping for breath. And, I mean, that's the only reason I've survived. I mean, all the dancers went down. Fred was lost with the ship. Roger? Roger, I've not seen Roger,

but I thought Roger was dead before, and I've been wrong. You never know with Roger. Yeah, he can't rule him out. He could, especially when he's that pissed. Right, yeah. I mean, for example, I did turn up to Roger's memorial service slash funeral. There's no body. Yeah.

And I took part, I went through the motions, but in the back of my head I was thinking, why, you were that, you were, you were survivor pissed, Roger. And I've seen you survive a pissed before. I mean, the number of memorial services I've been to for that man. Yeah. It beg us belief. Well, I hope you're right. And I guess, you know, RIP Fred, RIP Can Can Dancers.

Yeah. They knew the risks. What can I say? And of course, RIP battleship. Great shame about the HMS beef, of course. But I mean, hopefully enough of the rushes and the tapes and the memory cards will have been spared and retrieved from my pockets and the wreckage that we can,

we can one day piece together something of that final episode. That episode six. Yeah. Well, Bob, a great pleasure to talk to you. Yes, thank you. Vet on a battleship starts next Friday. Yes. I look forward to watching the rest of it. And yeah, and I hope they managed to air that episode six.

Fingers crossed. Okay, well, thank you, Bob. Thank you. A big thanks to Bob Trescottick for that interview. Vet on a battleship airs on Channel 5 next week on Friday at 8pm. And just to remind you, episode one is about setting up the ship and assembling the crew. Episode two features a Sumatran goat experiencing a complicated pregnancy. Episode three is the eagle owl with a veruca.

Episode four didn't come up in our interview, but the press release says it features a Chinese snake with psychological issues. Episode five is all about introducing sausage dogs to Madagascar, and episode six is the naval showdown in the Straits of Hormuz. Fingers crossed, that one is shown in full. So that's what we've got time for this month. But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section,

where this month's celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey will be telling us how you can have a fun family Christmas when your uncle is allergic to chestnuts. And your aunt's an absolute arson. So, until next time, beef out. Thanks to Mike Wozniak and Linnea Sage. And just a little message from me. We are doing our annual live show at the London Podcast Festival on the 12th of September

at 2pm at King's Place in Kings Cross. Most of the tickets have already gone after I put the link on social media, but there are still a few left. So if you'd like to come and see us on the 12th of September in London, it's always good fun and I'd love to see you there. And if you can't be there, for whatever reason, we are streaming the show. So you can buy a streaming ticket and then watch us live or for a week after the show. itself. I'll put a link in the show notes, but if you're Googling, I guess Google London Podcast Festival. All right. Until next time, goodbye. In 2026, our comedy podcast, Sawbones, is one of the most reputable sources for medical information.

Does that make me feel great? No. No, me neither. But I do like to think we're doing our part in making sure that we're fighting the pseudoscientific misinformation that has pervaded modern society. Yeah, but we're doing our part over here on Sawbones every week, a marital tour of misguided medicine. It's not all serious stuff. We're still getting into all the wild, weird ways we used to try to heal people over the years. But we're also trying to keep tabs on the evolving situation. Yeah, we can talk about drinking raw milk and eating mummies. It's Sawbones. That's right. It's Sawbones. It's every Tuesday, and it's on Maximumfund.org or wherever you get a podcast these days. On Judge John Hodgman, the courtroom is fake, but the disputes

are real. Brian would say, I'm the Gumbie of this family. He's just not. Claiming to be Gumbi is an ungambi-like claim. No, it's just Gumbi and I being are authentic selves. So what's your complaint? Too many sauces? There are no foods on which to put the sauces. Have we named all the sauces on the top shelf yet?

Not even close. You economize when it comes to pants. Truly, it's not about the cleanliness of the pants. Well, why isn't it? This is what I want to know. Judge John Hodgman, fake court, weird cases, real justice on maximum fun.org, YouTube, and everywhere you get podcasts. Maximum Fun. A work-owned network of artist-owned shows.

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