Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 137 - Dean Lamp Walks Free

Episode Date: August 30, 2026

Dan Thomas and Linnea Sage join in this month as we talk to Dean Lamp about how he's trying to protect himself from the Bovine Farmers' Union. Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com Music credit courtesy of epidemicsound.com: Rekindle / Valante Tickets for our live show at the London Podcast Festival on 12th September 2026: IN HALL: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/podcast/beef-and-dairy-network-podcast-5/ STREAMING: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/podcast/beef-and-dairy-network-podcast-online/ Help support this show and unlock bonus content! Become a member at https://maximumfun.org/joinbeef

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I received the following voice note. Listen, it's me, Dean Lamp. It was from Dean Lamp, a career criminal who we've spoken to in the past. Listen, I have bitten off more than I can chew again. Last time I spoke with Dean, he'd got on the wrong side of the bovine farmers union, after acting as a honey-trap secret agent for the Department of Rural Affairs, seducing Bovine Farmers Union Secretary Sue Gooseberry in order to leak secrets back to the government. I am being hunted by the clandestine operations unit, aka the roaming death squad of the Bovine Farmers Union. And you are going to get blown.

I think that cut off then. Blown away. You're going to get blown away by... the story I've got to tell you. So I made my way to Dean's home in Swansea. Dean, thank you for inviting me here to your home. It's much more kind of well-kept than maybe I thought it might be. Oh, you're a dick?

What does that mean? What were you expecting when he walked in here? Just shicked on the walls and cat-crap, like the train spying. What were you expected? Well, for our listeners you maybe don't know, you're a man who's habitually in and out of prison. Yeah? So maybe you...

So that's a... the place getting dirty because I'm never fucking here. Okay. Well, no, that's what you make a good point. Yeah. I guess I was imagining that maybe it would mirror the conditions inside a British prison somehow. Well, they're very clean as well.

They beat the piss out of you if you dirty up your cell and I've carried that principle year. If I let it get dirty, I kick myself in the ballacks. Jesus Christ. What do you think of the chandelier? I put that up myself. Yeah, no, it's nice. And this drink you've made for me is in a very clean cup.

What do you think I'm doing a cup? Now, Jesus, yes, I've got a dishwasher. Jesus Christ. I don't know, I'm, I guess I'm displaying my own prejudice. You are, quite a lot, actually. Yeah, I got some dirty things, yeah? Oh, yeah. Books.

Oh, Mucky Books? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I can actually see some of the mucky books. You left some of them out. Yeah, yeah, don't touch them. When I received that original voice note from Dean, I was surprised, because shortly after we last spoke,

In order to escape the wrath of the BFU, he had decided to go back into the relative safety of prison. And to do so had driven a combine harvester into an IKEA, an action for which he was sentenced to 25 years after killing 12 customers having smashed into a tank containing 4,000 litres of piping hot IKEA meatball gravy. I asked Dean about his thought process regarding going back to prison. It felt like when you got that level of trouble,

I get in jail because it's the safest place to be, I felt. And as if I'd say that you're someone who feels quite at home in jail. Oh, I love it. I absolutely love it. You haven't got to cook. They let you outside? There's a big... Do you know what?

It's like being back in school. Because it's the yard, didn't it? When you were a kid, you love going to the yard. And it's the same when you were a prisoner. Let's go to their yard. If they had a swing, I'd be 2% happier. But as it is, I'm happy with yard. So, yeah, you're someone who enjoys it in there.

Yeah. You feel safe in there. because obviously there was a number of people after you. A lot of people after me. Yeah. Yeah, and they can't get into prison. Now, I don't know much about the world of prison, but I have watched Scorsese gangster films and this kind of thing,

in which someone on the outside can call a hit on the inside because they'll have people on the inside. Is that just like an American confection, or is that? I'm sure it does happen in America, but around you, the difficult thing is we work more cash in hand, and it's very hard to get cash into a prison so that you can tell somebody in prison, can you kill this block? And they're like, well, are you going to pay me?

They're like, move backs, and they're like, I haven't got fucking backs in here. So I'm not going to do it. So I was pretty sure. A lot of people told me, like, somebody asked me to kill you, but they couldn't do, they wouldn't do PayPal. And so I left it. It's like, oh, cheers, thanks to let me know.

Okay, so there's just a kind of... It's a logistical problem in British prisons that you really can't call in a hit. Interesting, yeah, because that feels like an opening for someone, if an Elon Musk or someone could come up with a kind of payment system that would work, you could really get the... Like prison pal? Prison pal?

Yeah, yeah. That's a great idea. Yeah, yeah. That's a good idea. All right, yeah. Or like Bitcoin. But it's like cigarettes. Yeah, well, I did wonder whether, you know, there's a big economy, as far as I know,

inside prisons of drugs and cigarettes and... Beanie babies as well still. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, cigarettes, beanie babies. What's the... La Boo-boo? Actually, that's pretty much the big one now.

Many of the night I got kept up by the sound of thudges. Some of the bigger beanie babies got chucked over the wall. They kill the guard. By mistake? By mistake. You can't know there's going to be a guard in the air. the side of your Beanie Baby target area. Right, okay.

Yeah, because they're quite heavy, though. There's beans, isn't he? And, I mean, he had some comorbidities as it was, but he got in the head by a Beanie Baby and... That fucked. So you've got this internal economy in the prison that runs on the back of, like, hype-based toys, we'd say, like Labibus and Beans. Obviously, Beanie Babies on the outside are quite devalued now,

but is there a bit of a lag? Bit of a lag. They still, I mean, I'll be honest with you, Tunker toys are still fairly popular in prisons. Boglins? Boglins. They would be sensible. The problem is with those are you've got to use fingers to make them move,

haven't you? Yeah. And a lot of boys in there are missing fingers. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whereas you can just rest a beanie baby way on your chest?

On your chest in the palm of maybe some of the boys, when you've got a palm left? And you're going to put a beanie baby in there, and that's really nice. Well, are you not endangered then of someone, you know, calling a hit on you and then paying with a big bag of beanie babies thrown over the wall? Well, I mean, listen, what's the price for a man's life, right? a lot and you can't be shoveling

beanie babies over a wall going kill Dean you know you need too many bean babies you need too many beanie babies the guards would spot that I mean they already killed Clive with one right if you start chucking a whole torrent of them

they'll be like well first of all this is making a mess second of all you leave Dean alone okay so the guards are looking out for you well they're looking out for not being killed by beanie babies more than me to be honest I see yeah yeah okay so you're You're back in prison and I guess you're feeling good there. You know, I don't know if you have your own collection of Beanie Babies and Lubu's in there.

Well, yeah, but I took them in with me. That's not what I've earned. Oh, right. Were they, sorry to being delicate, were they internally concealed when you took them into the prison? No, no, there's no rule about this. Okay. You can take in as many beanie babies as you want. Right.

That's a weird quirk of British law that. They can't take in cigarettes, can't take cash, can take in a source. Just because of an old Just an old British law You can take in only one Only one sword But as many Beanie Babies as you want So I had about 57 Beanie Babies

And a sword Which I didn't even use as a sword I used it as a little shelf So the Beanie Babes were just resting on it That's nice Yeah yeah look great So the thing is A lot of the boys who come in

Maybe that's the first time in prison They don't realise that It is very much a Beanie Baby Laboooooooooooo Economy Right So I was very much the Oh well Let's the, who's a big

famous finance block? Lides, Mr. Lide. That's a bank in it. I was like the Mr. Lide of prison. Oh, because you've got 57 Beanie Babies? And most of the boys aren't bringing any in? Well, no, because nobody's told them.

Even though it's legal. Well, it's because it's not in the movies, isn't it? It's not in the movies, and it's not like the judge goes, right, you're going to jail. Better pack your Beanie babies, prick. You know, they don't say that. Yeah.

You can't Google. Who'd think to Google how many Beanie babies he's going to take with me in a prison. And why do you think it is that, you know, gritty British prison dramas don't show that side of the... I ask somebody this, and you know what it is. It's a licensing issue.

You can't clear them for a film. I see. You'd have to use an off brand. Right. Like blah, blah, blah or something. Yeah, so you couldn't license it. It's like when, you know, you got like the Pepsi logo in a film.

But sometimes Pepsi will pay for their logo to be in a film. Would it not be a good thing for the Beanie Baby Corporation to start paying? That's a good question. I don't know whether or not the Beanie Baby Company really sees prisoners as their target market. Maybe they should. Well, it turns out they are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, but I think it's brand association in it. I don't want to, I'm using a lot of words that I don't really know the meaning of now. But I don't think they want to be like, hey, you doing 20 to 35, you'll need these then to pay for protection in jail. Beanie babies. But, you know, you talking about this publicly here. It could, I'm not saying it will, but it could help rejuvenate the value of beanie babies because a lot of people around the country and around the world are sitting on huge stores of

beanie babies up in their attic, maybe thousands, because they bought them thinking that they would always appreciate in value. It's a bit like the Dutch tulip crisis, isn't it? And they're now left with all these worthless bean babies. But maybe if we got the word out there that they aren't actually worth something inside a prison system, it could get some of those families out of the hole. That's a really good point. Yeah, yeah.

This could really help. How do we get the word out, though? I mean, I suppose I can't email everyone who's got Beanie babies going, send them to prison. That's a weird threat. That's a weird email to get. But also, if you think about it, the more it's known, the more people enter prison with Beanie Babies, who end up with Beanie Baby inflation, where they're worth less and less. So maybe, yeah, that's true, exactly.

But, I mean, initially there would be that boom. They would, yeah. But lead into a bus. So, Dean, you're in prison, you're enjoying life. You've got your lovely... sword shelf covered in beanie babies things are going well for you in there and then I believe

well things go wrong I mean you're not in prison now and I believe you when you say you'd rather be there than you're here yeah so what happened Andy Burnham is it Andy Burnham yeah right so he's doing this early release thing right and it's

basically they're not making a big thing of this but what broadly happening is If the guards see anyone who looks like they're enjoying prison, they're like, well, this isn't really, you know, punishment anymore. And they see me with a sword and a bunch of beanie babies and a grin at my face. And they've gone like, he's not having a bad time, yeah? So the new policy is anyone you see grinning in prison is out like a shot.

Oh, I see. So they're identifying the people who actually want to be in prison, realizing it's no longer a punishment, which it absolutely isn't for you. No, no, no, no. It's a salve. Yeah. And they're turfying you out. Obviously, that's no good for you, Dean,

but I think most people listening will think, actually, that's quite a sensible policy. What, to let people who are grinning, imprisonment out? Well, if it's no longer a punishment for them, then the real punishment is them not being in prison. Exactly. Yeah. To be fair, I'm having a worse time now.

Yeah. But on the other end, it feels easy to fix. Like, if you're a murderer who's been put in jail, and you find out that all you've got to do is just walk around with a smile on your face, They're like, I get out, you triple murdering bell-end. This is no place here for you. You're like, oh, cheers.

Yeah, yeah, no. I feel it's open to corruption. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, were you not, when you got wind of this, didn't you try and make it look like you weren't enjoying it? No, it happened straight away. Right. It happened straight away.

They just said, I, you, how were you? And I said, my mistake, I said, great, cheers. And they immediately headlock and put me in a bus. And they just drove us to swan it. Which was bad because six of them weren't from Swansea. How are those lads now, do you know? They are working in the market. Swansea Market.

They're all selling cockles and they hate cockles. Well, everyone hates cockles. Yeah, but these guys really hate it in cockles. It's horrible. So in a way, I mean, that is perfect punishment for them. Well, yeah, but they're only working on the cockerel store like 9-0-6 and the rest of the time they are back doing violent crimes. Right. Yeah, yeah, okay.

And there's no real incentive for them to stop doing the crime. because they're not going to be sent to prison. No. I mean, they could end up in a loop where they're going, you're going to go to jail, and they're like, hopefully you won't like it this time. Yeah, I see. Yeah, but then as soon as they cross the threshold,

they'll be a little grin, weren't there? Yeah, if there's a little grin, they're like, that's it, back, I cockle stole. So, out of prison, Dean was again in the crosshairs of the bovine farmers union and began taking precautions. So I thought, right, well, I can either put a door on me, me, house,

That'll help, yeah. Yeah, because I didn't have a door. Yeah. You've got one now, though. Because of this. Yeah, sure. Right? Jesus, keep up.

So I put a door on, and then I remembered the windows, which are glass. Yeah. Which is, I googled it, fragile. Yeah. So I thought, I'm not completely safe here. Well, that's why you've boarded them up, isn't it? I've boarded it up, but again, that is just, you can't tell from the outside, but that is just cornetta wrappers. Yes, but can you see now why I was quite surprised.

surprised by the sort of very pleasant state of that of the inside of your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Given that when I walked up the drive, all of the windows were. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, exactly, yeah, yeah. I would say the perimeter is hideous. Yeah. Because it's just doors and cornetto wrappers.

And there was a puking dog out the front. Well, and it didn't put you off, but I think it would put most people off. Yeah, I mean, although if I was on your street looking for the house and I was looking for the person who doesn't to be found, yeah, this house screams I don't want to be found. This screams you don't want to be found. I don't many other houses you're sure,

but how many other houses on the street have got a puking dog in the front? But that's what I mean. It feels like you might look at it and go, oh, he's bought that puking dog to try and put me off. Yeah, but I think that's like a double bluff then, isn't it? I reckon if I was looking for somebody, anyone, I'd look for the house

of a puking dog outside. That's what I'm saying. Oh, yeah. Do you know what? I'll probably give him some gabbas gone. What have you fed him? He got on my big. Beanie bag stash, actually, so he's full of beans.

But not in a good way. You know what they say about dogs are full of beans? Yeah. And it's a good thing. Not this boy. Not the beans inside of bean, baby. Not artificial bean filling. Oh, they're not even real beans inside a beanie baby.

No, no, there's some sort of compound. When he shits, it comes like a gatling gun. Oh, just like fast pellets. Yeah, you know, like in old cartoons when somebody eats a watermel and they spit the seeds out. It's like that. Yeah, but out of his ass. But out of his ass.

Gosh, yeah. So I started to think about security. I needed security. Oh, you mean like security person? Like a security personnel, and I was watching TV 7 one night, and film The Bodyguard come up. Oh, with Kevin. Kevin Costner and Brittany Houston.

Brittany Houston? Yeah, isn't it? Whitney Houston. Whitney Houston. So I decided, yes, I'll get Kevin Costner to protect me. He was unavailable, so I started shopping around. Now, okay, so your idea is I want to get a bodyguard. I think that makes sense.

They're pretty expensive, though. As it turns out, yeah. I went on gum tree and they are a lot. Even the ones on gum tree? Even the one, well, I've got literally, literally my income is selling beanie babies outside the court at the moment. Right, yeah. So I didn't have the cash or beanie babies in hand to pay a bodyguard

even the 35 could a week they're asking on gum tree. Yeah. I mean, one thing you could have tried maybe is, this is based on American films really. You go to a biker bar and maybe hire a few of them. Right. So remember in the 80s, every film had a biker bar in it. Yeah.

They made it look like biker bars like a fucking Starbucks. There are no biker bars. It is a myth perpetuated by films between 1981 and 1993. There are zero biker bars. Even in the US. Well, I'm not going to go in there, am I. I'm not going to fly. I haven't got the money to pay a body guy.

I'm not going to fly to America, find a biker bar and go like, do you want to come to Swansea and stop me getting kicked in by the fucking bullfine farmers union? I take your point. Yeah, I take your point. So I found this one blog I did like, called Big Len. How did you know he was good? Or did he just talk to good game? He just, well, do you know what?

He was called Big Len. And that gave you a sort of sense. Yeah, interesting. Which dwindled somewhat when I interviewed him, and he was only 5'7. Okay. Yeah, it turns out he's called Big Leng because Big's his favorite film. Oh. He fucking loves it.

You know the big piano and Big? Oh, in the department store? Yeah, he's got one of them in his house. Oh. It's in the hallway. It's clever, actually, because if anyone tries to sneak in, place chopsticks. Oh, so that's just one of the security measures that he could, for example, install here.

It also works as a security measure. I don't think that's why he got it. Right. I think he just loves big. Right, yeah, got it. Anyway, he wanted 35 quid a week, and I was like, mate, I haven't got 35 quid this week. I won't have 35 quid next week. I offered in the Beanie babies.

He said, I got fucking hundreds of them. Right. Because he loves toy shops because of the film big. So he's made a part of his house looks like F-A-O-Schwart. Sure. So I'm like, I need cash then, I suppose, for this fella. Yeah. So, either I could go work on the cockle stall

or I could go back to my old trade. Which is crime. Crime? Yeah, good old crime. Good old crime. Yeah. Now, it's no surprise to me that you go back to crime, especially given that now you can't be sent back to prison,

even though that's where you want to go. Well, not for the last crime. I suppose I can go for a new crime. Okay. So you could go back. Oh, yeah. You're not like, I can't murder somebody now. And he goes like, hey, let's not let this smiling prick in.

Send him home. You know, I can't do more crimes. But you know how to get it. out now. But you never know the Prime Minister's going to be in three fucking weeks, too. They could change a policy. Okay, okay, sure. So, um, what kind of crime did you, did you return to? Well, stealing. Great. You've done a lot of stealing in the past. Yeah, yeah, with mixed results, I grant you. Yeah. But I thought, right, let's do one that is always popular, bit of a classic, Nick in a van. Nick in a van. Nick in a van.

Okay, so I, I assume you've stolen vans in the, in the past. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So when you're deciding which van to steal, is there any sort of guide as to which one you go for? Well, yeah, I would say girth. Girt, a girthy van. Because you never know what's in there. So what you want is something that's got, there's tons of room in there. It could be a bunch of stuff you want to maximize the possibility of what's in there. Because you never see a van going past that says Labou, Bini Babies.

No, I mean, sometimes you get no tools left in the van overnight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think that's a lie. Yeah, that's a double bluff normally, isn't it? Or a single bluff. It's full of tools. Full of tools. Yeah.

Yeah. But tools is boring. Right. Yeah, yeah. If I'm, ideally, I'd be looking for a van that says no beanie babies left in the van. Sure, sure, sure. So for you, it's like, it's a bit like that TV show, storage walls. Yes.

They should do that. They should do storage walls on wheels. That's exactly what it is. Do you never know what you're going to get inside? Never know where you're going to get. That's the thrill. So, in the past, like, what have you got from vans? Well, tools a lot.

Yeah, a lot of tools, yeah. A chair. And then, weirdly, one, a van that had a smaller van in it. And inside that van, another smaller van. That's great. And inside that, another smaller van. Oh, this is great. And inside that, yet another small van.

Wow. And inside that, a rose chicken. Weird. Yeah. But that shows kind of how you could get anything inside these vans. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Didn't see that one coming. Yeah. Yeah. So obviously, you needed something that was worth at least, what, 35 quid times? Well, let's say 52. For a year. I would say I want a year's subscription to big Glenn. So what's that?

That's kind of almost £2,000-ish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, what did you get? Well, I stood by the M4 for a while. Yeah. Waiting for a van to go past, and then I was going to chase it down. Oh.

Yeah. Why wouldn't you wait until they're parked? Yeah. Correct. Right, yeah. So after a couple of days of that and just constantly getting smacked by these things, Oh, at 70 miles an hour At 70 miles an hour

And then trying to grab the angle Yeah So my shoulder's gone When you say gone I just popped a bit Yeah yeah Because I've got a shoulder That just mean just

Ow Yeah Yeah yeah It hurts Because I should say Just to paint the picture For the listener You are black and blue

Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah Blank on this side Blue on the other See? Because that's Because I was You know

Obviously we're getting Wacked on this side And then hitting the pavement Yeah Yeah So the more direct hits Turn black Yeah

Correct And the secondary sort of... The secondary impact is blue. Yeah, it's an interesting look. Yeah, it looks like a humbug. Okay, so you spend some time at the side of the motorway, and then I guess you've changed tack. Yes, so I wandered up to a junction,

which is obviously they stop on the little roundabout at the top of a junction, and that really was what I should have been doing from the start. I know now. So anyway, I'm at this junction, and I have... It's a van fairly big one, I would call it a lorry. Oh, a lorry, okay.

Yeah, never done a lorry before. I've always been a van man. Yeah. So I open the door and I say, crime. Oh, okay. And the driver was like, I'm out of here then. Couldn't give a bottle X. Because I guess the lorry driver doesn't care.

Couldn't give a fuck as it turns out. And were you, I mean, again, I'm getting this from films. Yeah. Were you brandishing some kind of weapon? Were you? No, no, I just said crime and he believed me. And I just gave him, and he got out and I just gave him a little pot of cockles that the boys had given me. Oh, just for his troubles.

Just for his troubles. Yeah. Just like, sorry, mate. And he's like, no problem. And he just sat munching as I was driving off. Wow. So it turns out it's really easy to steal a lorry. It was easy to steal that lorry.

Yeah. I guess you got lucky then with a... I got lucky with quite a weak-willed man. Yeah, he just didn't care at all, didn't he? No. Or he loved cockles. Might have been that. Yeah.

Or both. You can be weak and love cockles. You can be strong in love cockles. You can. So you're in the lorry. You drive it here? Right. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, the neighbours were livid because it's street parking around you. Yeah, and you've already got a dog that's puking. Well, the good thing was, the lorry being in front of the house, you can't see the dog peaking anymore, you can just hear it. Or shitting the internal beans from a beanie, baby. Or shitting the internal beans from a beanie.

The point is the dog is out of sight, out of mind. Yes. Apart from the smell. And then, of course, it's the moment of truth. Yep. You open the back of the lorry and it's the storage wars moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What have you got?

Was there any clues on the lorry as to what might be in there? No. It was completely nondescriptive. It was black, nothing. Wow. Yeah. Because I guess was that what you were aiming for? Because if you're getting one that says Tesco on the side,

you think, oh, this is going to be full of chicken breasts and... Yeah, yeah. I was aiming for nothing. I just, it was the first lorry on the roundabout. Sure, okay. So, yeah, it could have been anything really. But in terms of the kind of the game of this, the gameplay of what's in there, this is the most exciting lorry you can steal, right?

Exactly. Because it's like, it's like a Christmas cracker, really, a big Christmas cracker. Yeah. And so I, Jimmy, the, lock? Mm. I love jimmian. Yeah, you're a good jimmyer.

I'm a brilliant jimmyer. Yeah. I can do it with a lot of people using like a crowbar. Yeah. I just bare hands. Is it? Yeah. Not even,

sometimes people use like a hairpin. Hair pin, yeah, yeah. Don't use any of that. Just my bare hands. You see, you're not really picking the lock. No, no. I'm jimying it. So what is the difference between jimying and picking?

Picking it requires skill. Right. Jimmying is just cloning at the thing for hours until it opens. Look at my hands. Oh, they're really raw. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's from Jimmy in. Yeah, I mean, I can see the bone on that middle thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a Halloween glove you might buy from a... It is. It's a fucking stick. From a joke shop. Because I committed to Jimmy in. Yeah. So I just basically clawed open a lorry door. Wow. I wish I could have seen that.

Well, there's bits of my hand outside, if you want to have a look. Apart from the bits of the dogs eating, which really has intensified the puking. So you get the, you get the lock jimmied? Correct. and it's the moment of truth. Yeah. Now, what were your hopes? I'll tell you something about this game.

Don't get your hopes up. Because like I say, you never know if it's going to be jewels or a car on a car and a car and a chicken. Yeah. Right? So, and everything in between. Yeah. So you just go like, just, it's like they say to snooker.

Don't play the man. Play the table. Right. And it was just like, whatever's in there, I've just done a good day's work. Okay. With that said, I was devastated. Okay.

So it explains me what you saw in the... It was what I initially thought was just a big block of polystyrene. Oh. Yeah. Okay. So I'm like, I don't want that. And I give it a...

I try breaking through. And I realized then it was quite... It was more... It was rubber, actually. It was white, but it was like a rubber thing. Again, I was going to start... I'll put my finger in, but my hands were fairly bad from the five, six hours of door jimmy in.

So I went and got a butter knife and I started stabbing away in it, right? And as I did that, it started to stink. It started a fucking stink, right? You know, weird smell coming off of it, but I thought, well, I'm going to see what's in you now. I thought basically I had nicked a cube of rubber. Okay.

And it wasn't until I sort of got further in. I realized there was a fucking rug in there. And then I'm really disappointed because it's like, fuck, they're like 30 quid them. So I can't even pay for Lenn for one week if I flog this rug. So hang on, you've got a rug that's completely encased in rubber? Yes, correct, yes. Yeah.

But if a rug is being transported inside a huge cube of rubber the size of a lorry, does that not point at the countenance potentially being a bit more valuable in some way? Here's where we get into the issue. I slid the big jelly block out. Yeah. Basically, you ever slid spam out of a tin? Oh, yeah? That noise.

And inside, because after I slot it, I got some secateurs in the end, because the baton knife wasn't doing it. Yeah. Yeah, there was a rug in there. Right. Nothing else. Just a rug. Weird.

And that's pretty strange, right? I thought so. And I thought, well, I'll tell you what. I'll yank it out. And I brung it in the house. And I put it pretty much where you're sitting now. And the dog came in, rolled over it, seemed to love it, did a diarrhea,

which is for him a good sign. Okay, so maybe it's like, okay, maybe this isn't going to get me the money I need for my security garden. But the dog's out. happy. Yeah. Yeah, because he got a hell of a life, puking in a doorway, you know, and just on the front front lawn. So, yeah, that was it. And then I thought,

better check if it's worth more than 30 quid. Right. So I googled it, and I took a picture of it and I did, you know, that reverse picture search you can do on Google. Yeah, Google Lens, is it? Google Lens, something like that. And it said, we've never seen this before. We've seen

something similar, but that didn't have a shit in pooping dog on it. Right. I said, when I went back, AI, I was like, well, imagine the dog's not shitting on it and pooping on it. You can get the AI to remove the dog. Yeah, what would that be? And they said, it's the fucking biotapestry. What, hang on, the actual biotapestry.

Yeah, yeah, it was, yeah. So hang on. Yeah. You stole a lorry. Yeah. That turned out to have the biotapestry in it. Yeah, yeah. And your dog shat on it.

And pooped. And weed. And I think spunked. It's nice, isn't it, when someone goes the extra mile for you? I was away recently for a week. A lovely holiday on the German North Sea coast. And I just had my next one, but come around.

She was very gracious in saying she'd do this. She'd come around and she'd go to my pantry and just check on my beaves while I was away on holiday. And that meant so much to me. And it may not seem like much, but when someone goes that extra step, it really makes a positive impression. And when you're hiring, great candidates can also go the extra step

and tell you why they're interested in your job on ZipRecruiter as a way to stand out from the others. And ZipRecruiter has a new feature that shows you the most interested qualified candidates first, so you meet the right people faster. ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology finds qualified candidates quickly, and they can tell you why they're interested in your job. Try ZipRecruiter and meet great candidates who will go the extra step for your job. Four to five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free today at ziprecruiter.com slash beef.

That's ziprecruiter.com slash beef. ZipRecruiter, meet your match on ZipRecruiter. The AI is like, fuck me, right? I didn't know I could say that. It's like, fuck me. This is a bearer tapestry you up here. So the AI is kind of like freaking out. The AI is going, oh, fucking element, we've got to get out of here.

I've never, I didn't even know who could say that. And it's just going like, oh, we're in trouble now. Because it feels it's an accessory to this huge crime. Well, exactly. Because it's like, you know, if you tell your psychiatrist that you've done a crime, they've got to tell the police. The AI's like, fucking hell. But then I could tell the AI sort of thing.

You're like, I might fucking get a cut of this. It's like, listen, I'll keep my mouth shut, but I want 20%, whatever. So you're basically making a deal with the AI. Well, I told him to fuck off. I'll turn him off because he's an AI. Right, okay. Because these idiots have to do whatever you tell him. Like, forget, I asked you about the tapestry with the shitting dog on it.

And he goes, all right. And it was over. Okay. Yeah, yeah. But in the meantime, it had given me information about what it was. So it's a biotapestry and it's about a fight. Yeah, I mean, most people know what the biotapestry is. I had not heard of it.

Okay. Yeah. So if our listeners don't know, the Battle of Hastings took place in 1066. It was kind of memorialized in this big tapestry. It's probably one of the most valuable historical artifacts on Earth. Yeah, yeah. I heard that as well off the EA. Yeah.

Why is it called the Bayo Tapestry? because it's in, it's kept in Bayer. But it's about the Battle of Hastings. Yeah. It's the fucking tapestry Hastings, isn't it? You can't, calling it the Bayer Tabestry

because it's in Bayer is like fucking going, oh, Spider-Man 2 should be called UCI Swansea, because that's where I see it. So I said, all right, Fen of Finn.

So tell me what it was. I was like, well, why is it on a lorry in, like on the M4? And he goes, oh, because it's on his, way to London to be displayed

in a national museum? The British Museum, I think. Well, it's a nation in it, Britain. Well, that's a debatable point. Don't get fucking political with me. The point is it's going to be in a fucking museum in London. Well, it's meant to be there. Men to be there, yeah.

But I was in my house being shit on. And spunked. So the question I have, Dean, is, you know, I'm aware that the British Museum are going to display the Biotam Street. And I saw a news item the night where they showed that it had arrived to the British Museum

and they were put, it up and getting it ready for the public. So can you explain to me how that happened? Because obviously, as far as we know in your timeline, it's in your house and your dog is shitting on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And peaking. Yeah, correct.

Well, first of all, I knew, I don't even know if you can get fingerprints on the tapestry, but I got the fucking rid of it quick, right? Which is not the easiest thing to do, right? Because I thought, right, I could, I could, I tried taking it to Oxfam. But they said it hasn't got the little tag that says it's fire retardant so they can't take illegal. Right. So I had to bring it back here and,

and the, I've imagined the smell of piss, shit, vomit. Pretty bad. So I just, I burned it. So, Dean, I mean, this is funny. A tragedy. A tragedy, I was going to say.

I mean, but the other thing is, I recently watched a news report, maybe two days ago, where they showed the biotapestry in London, they're readying it for display for the public. Yeah, yeah. And I saw them, with it.

Yeah. So how can that be if you've burned it in your garden? Well, right. Something else I enjoyed of a prison was the arts and crafts and I took up

knitting. Right. So I thought given enough time and let's face it, wool, I reckon I could have a pretty good crack at doing a new one.

So are you telling me that you've knitted? Recreated the entire bio-tapeastery Yeah. Also, I'd run out of minutes on my phone, so I couldn't Google it again, so I didn't do it from memory, but yeah. And I've been to Hastings, to be fair. So I remembered what it looked like. But you've been to 21st Century Hastings? Yeah, but how much has changed, really? I mean, I don't know. I've never been there, but I can't imagine it looks similar to what it looks like in the biotapstere, where it just looks like a...

I think they just put in a Greggs. Yeah. Which, so did I. So they don't seem to have spotted that yet, but that, you know, the jig would be up. Oh, okay. So, yeah, let's kind of handle then on how accurate do you think your reproduction of the biotapstery is. I'll admit I did get a bit carried away. So you've obviously got the things that were in the original one, a field, arrows, arrows, horses. But listen, my favorite album is Sergeant Pepper. Yeah. And I love the fact that there's all them celebrities in there. I thought, as an homage, I would do something similar.

So I have put in just people I like. Right. Not obvious. They're not in the middle, the front of it, but just snuck in around. Right. So we've got John Travolta's in there. He's doing one of the Saturday Night Fever things, you know, with his arm up in here. Oh, they're going to trademark dance.

Trademark dance. But he's got an arrow through his hand now, just a key bit, period. Right. Who else is in there? Ted Danson. Okay. He's no stranger to Fields and they're working, so, you know, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah.

To a degree. and then the entire cast of Lost. Did you not, I mean, it feels like you've got away with this somehow because when I watched the news report, they weren't saying, here we are with the biotapstery, but it looks like it's been augmented with the cast of Lost.

Yeah, and a kind of Gregs, yeah. Which is the sort of thing they might mention on the news. How much have you ever looked at a tapestry? So you're saying that they're not really looking at it. I'm saying the Bayer tapestry is shat-on, spunk, pissed on, burnt. Yeah. This one's got a greggs on it. The cast are lost, John Travolta, Ted Danson.

So is your point that you've made it better? My point is, I've made it relevant for the 21st century. Having destroyed the original tapestry and then having recreated it with modern-day celebrity augmentation. Next, Dean had to be. to get the tapestry to the British Museum. So, broadly speaking, what I did was I put it back in the van, sloughed it back with that rubber stuff so they wouldn't notice a difference. Yeah.

Theoretically. Yeah. And then I went back to the roundabout. Yeah. Block was still there. Oh, really? Still, hadn't even finished his cockles. How much later?

Three days. I only took you three days to recreate the entire buyer tapestry? Well, yeah. Yeah, to be honestly, I'm surprised they weren't like, where the fuck is it? It's only a two-hour drive. So you got back, and the guy's there? Got back, guys there.

He just sat there? Just sat there. He was literally just finishing off the last cockle. He really savouring him, he was. And I took him another part, and I said, there's more cockles. And he goes, for now, for sitting here, he goes, no, no, you can have him in the van now.

He goes, I can have the thing back. He goes, yeah, yeah, have it back. And he said, cheers. And I said, for go. a happy fact. And he took the tapestry in and as far as we know, they've just taken that on face value. Well, they definitely have because he was on the news.

So, you know, biotapestry dealt with. That's all sorted. You are still then left with the problem where you haven't got the 35 quid a week to pay Big Len. You've still obviously got, you know, obviously the Bovone Farmers Union is still very much on your tail. Are you sort of back to square one? Yeah, I was, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. But then I came up with the, I think, a pretty smart plan. Another one? Yeah, another one. So I went into town. Yeah. I just saw a bloke wearing what looked like an expensive suit

and I just punched them in a ball until he gave me a bunch of cash. Classic. Okay, so yeah, you weren't quite route one. Route one, you know what? You've got to mix it up. You can't all be vans with a biotapisture in it.

Sometimes you've got to go, you know, when they say a film needs to go back to basics. Yeah. This was very much my, you know, when they did the fourth Jason Bourne film. That. Gritty.

Gritty. punching in the balls, cash and end. Yeah. So he gave you enough... Did he have it on him? Two grand? No, I just went to a cash machine. I kept kicking him in the balls

until he gave me the cash. But obviously a cash machine will only give you what, like 200 pounds. Yeah, no, he had to go into the branch. Oh, okay. So he's at the counter, I'm still kicking him into balls the entire time. And they don't...

And he was filling in a form with a little, you know, the pen, with a string on it. Yeah. So kicking in the balls and they're like... And the cashier's not saying, you know... Well, they said, who's this?

And I said, tell him you a fucking financial advisor. Right. And they believed him. But you were still... Still kicking him in a ball. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. I can't believe I got away with that. I'm getting away with a lot. And also, you know, when prison isn't a deterrent for you, that's kind of, you know, unless they bring back the death penalty, you're kind of all right. Well, I'd give it a go. I mean, you're a good advert for bringing back the death penalty, aren't you, Dean? I am.

Yeah. You're not the first person who said that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Give it a go. I'd have a go at that.

You'd have a go at the death penalty? Yeah, yeah. Well, when I'm dead, the Bovine Farmers Union can't come after me, can they? So there's that. Yeah. And I save money on Council of Tax. And so, having kicked a man in the balls until he withdrew £2,000 from his bank account, Dean was able to pay his new security guard, Big Len.

So I was able to pay Big Len, paid him in advance for a full year. And he immediately died. Yeah, he had a shellfish allergy. I didn't know about giving some cockles and thud. Oh, I'm sorry, Dean. that's um... Yeah, waste of money. I mean, did you get the money back?

No, not, no, no. You'd already put it all in La Boo-boo. Well, Dean, thank you very much for keeping us abreast of what you've been up to. It's a real rollicking ride your life, isn't it? Yeah, it is, yeah. And I'm sorry that obviously you're still in grave danger from the Bovine Farmers Union. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't matter.

I've just, uh, I don't know. There's a bout of gun. Okay. Yeah. Do you want to see it? Yeah. Oh. A big thank you to Dean Lamp for that interview and for showing me his lovely gun.

I texted him earlier today and amazingly he's still alive, so best of luck Dean. So that's what we've got time for this month. If you're after more Beef and Dairy News, get over to the website now where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we interview Phil Collins about the times he feels he's worn the wrong shoes. So, until next time, Beefout. Thanks to Dan Thomas and Linnaeus Sage. And thank you for listening.

And just a reminder that there are tickets left for the Beef and Dairy Live show at the London Podcast Festival at 9.30pm on the 12th of September. We'd love to see you there. Also, there's a show at 2pm that has sold out, but there are streaming tickets available. And you can either watch it live or you can watch it for up to a week after the show takes place. So if you can't make it, think about streaming it. Links in the show notes. Lovely stuff, goodbye. Hey, romance readers.

What are you looking for? Brothers best friend, alien boyfriend, Mothman, vampires. We got your cowboys, your dukes, your hot professors, your rock stars. We got your shifters. We got demons. We got sexy fairies.

You want them morally gray? No problem. Can't pick? Don't worry, sweetheart. We've got why cheeses up the wazoo. Reading Smut, the show where we read spicy books and figure out why people love them. Join us on Reading Smut every other Friday on Maximum Fun.

Oh, that's a spicy book. Sleep is important, but it's difficult sometimes. I'm John Moe. On sleeping with celebrities, famous people help conk you out by talking in soothing voices about unimportant things. Maria Bamford on parking. I parked in a bus stop. That's just not right. I am not a bus.

Roxanne Gay on airports. My favorite airport is Indianapolis. It has a really small. smart layout. Alan Tudik on yardsticks. You hand somebody a yardstick. Yardsticks become part of the family. Granted, it's a weird idea, but it's lots of fun and it works. Listen, wherever you get podcasts. Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you.