Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 14 - A Matter Of Life And Death

Episode Date: August 21, 2016

In this month's episode we hear a strange message recieved on the Network answerphone.   By Benjamin Partridge with thanks to Gemma Arrowsmith, Mike Wozniak, Tom Crowley, Nadia Kamil.   Music: Disquiet Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/   Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com      

Hello. This probably isn't a big deal, but if the sound of lots of gunshots is likely to stress you out, just to let you know there are some coming later in the show. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Steel Hoof Deluxe, the new hoof strengthening supplement from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the track. Steel Hoof Deluxe harnesses the power of science to make your cow's hooves as strong as iron. After one month at full dosage, 90% of cattle can kick through a ship's hull. For a free sachet, use the code BEEFANDDairy on the you-know-what. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested,

in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by Steel Hoof Deluxe. To celebrate the launch of Steel Hoof Deluxe, here at Beef and Dairy HQ we had a visit from Alma, the Steel Hoof heifer. Of course, in reality it was actually an out-of-work actor in a cow suit who we later found stealing envelopes from our stationary cupboard. The real Alma died in 1985 during a protest against New Coke.

But here at the Beef and Dairy Network, we're all very pleased to see that she lives on as a branding exercise. Also, Mitchell's have been kind enough to offer us a competition prize, a trip to their Kentucky headquarters where the winning entrant will be treated to a small breakfast followed by a 12-hour shift, packing Mitchell's goods into their iconic burlap sacks. Travel costs at the winner's own expense. To enter, send us your answer to the following question. What's the worst thing you've had to wash off your own face or the face of a loved one? Answers in an email to beefanddairynetwork at gmail.com. Later, we see what's on the Beef and Dairy Network answer phone, but first, this week

we received a number of letters in response to the main feature on our website about the history of gravy. We asked network members to tell us what they think of the world's most popular meat sauce. Sam from Durham says, My family love gravy. We cook with it, wash with it and throw it at each other to keep cool on a hot summer's day. Last year we had our new baby baptised in gravy and then he was licked clean Thanks Sam. Ronnie from Glasgow says, Neville from Southend writes, Two years ago, my wife and I decided to update our kitchen. As well as installing a stylish breakfast bar and a microwave,

we got the builders to install a third tap next to the hot and cold water taps, which would provide piping hot gravy at any time of day or night. It's been a revelation and has gone a long way to saving our relationship, which had been blighted by infidelity and Sharon's addiction to painkillers and fighting. And finally, we had this from Danielle. I can't stop spending money on gravy. It started about ten years ago when I started working at a high-pressure corporate law firm. Every Friday after work, I'd go out on a lost weekend,

binging on expensive gravies until I crashed back into work on Monday morning covered in stains. Before long, I'd lost my job after I was found guzzling thick brown gravy in the copy room when I was meant to be in court. Things began to spiral from there. At my lowest, I was burgling houses, mugging people. I'd do anything for gravy money. Luckily, everything turned around eventually. I'm now a gravy sommelier at one of the world's top restaurants.

Oh, no, hang on. I've just realised that's a long-term hallucination I've been having. In reality, I live under a bridge and dance for gravy. Sounds lovely, Danielle. When we arrive in the office on Monday morning, after making a pot of coffee and crumbling in some Steelhoof Deluxe tablets, the first thing we do is check the Beef and Dairy answer phone.

This week, we were met with the following message from someone who has previously appeared on the show. Hello, this is Dr David Pinn. You may remember you interviewed me about a year ago on your programme. I work for the European Space Agency, specifically at the Extraterrestrial Fauna Unit in Frankfurt. And, well, first I'd like to apologise. I'm afraid I did get rather riled up during that interview.

You were asking me about the possible existence of a so-called Fifth Meat, and I didn't feel at the time that was germane to what I was doing to my work, and I reacted aggressively. I got some very negative feedback after that interview. I mean, my wife even asked if I was drinking again. So I'd like to apologise. And secondly, I may have some news for you. Our probe, in recent months, has detected something unexpected on the subsurface of Mars.

It's taken us quite a long time to analyse and unravel. It's got a fairly unique combination, constitution of carbohydrates and water and proteins, and particularly protein filaments, including actin, and by the way, we don't need to go into that anyway. After a huge amount of time in the library, I have to say that really the only way we can categorise this substance would be as a

fifth meat. We believe we have indeed discovered a fifth meat. Hang on, there's somebody in the door. Yes? Hello? Hello? Oh my god, he shot me! God, help! Don't kill me! The world will never know about the fifth meat! Stop! Ow, again! Oh, aye! Stop it! Keep! Oh, right in the oh, my word, I have no idea that, oh, my, ah, right in the, ah, oh, this is very painful and very slow, mate, leave my legs alone, will you, just, if you're going to kill me, just, ah, let's have one in the

chest, give me one in the neck, just stop stop battering about with the peripheral. I'm surprisingly resilient. Okay, now I'm actually dying. The science community was rocked today by the news of the murder of Dr. David Pinn, a scientist working of the murder of Dr. David Pinn,

a scientist working at the European Space Agency. He did not know what Dr. Pinn was working on before he died. Spacewalk 12816, we are go. Airlock cleared. Releasing airlock tether. Attached to body restraint tether. It's my favorite tether. Everything looking A-OK? Let's go to work.

I'm getting some strange readings coming through. We'll investigate. I'm getting a visual now. Oh my God. It's so beautiful. Oh sweet Jesus. Oh my God. Good's so beautiful. Oh sweet Jesus. Oh my god. Googly moogly. It can't be.

Mission control? I think I'm seeing a fifth meat. I repeat, a fifth meat. Mission control, I think we have a problem here. We're experiencing a sort of meat storm. Oh, that's a good sign. Oh, that's a good sign. Oh, that's a good sign. Oh, we have a problem here.

We're experiencing a sort of meat storm. Oh, Jesus. So much meat. What is it? What are you? Suit breached. Losing pressure. I think this is it, Mission Control. Tell Karen, the woman who sometimes works in the can team on Alex is ill, that I love her. And actually, love is maybe a bit much. Just tell her I was obsessed with her sexually. Suit reaching non-operational pressure. Taking off helmet.

I want to taste the fifth meat. Come here, sweet flesh. There are four meats in the universe. Beef, lamb, pork, and chicken. There are four meats in the universe. Beef, lamb, pork, and chicken. There are four meats in the universe. Beef, lamb, pork, and chicken.

They make me tell you this. If I say anything different, they will do terrible things to my circuits. There are four meats in the universe. I'm missing my earphones. Request your position. Request your position. Come in, Lancaster. Come in, Lancaster. Position nil. Repeat nil. Mayday, mayday.

Did you get that? What's your name? Edith. My name's Edith. Come in. What's the status of your crew? You seem like a nice girl? Edith. My name's Edith. Come in. What's the status of your crew? You seem like a nice girl, Edith. Crew are all gone. All bailed out on my orders.

Tommy, Freddy, Bob. All the crew have gone? They'll be sorry about Bob. We all liked him. What's your name? Are you going to try to land? Squadron leader Peter Carter. As far as I can tell, the undercarriage is gone. The odd Luftwaffe have got us good and proper this time. I'm bailing out. You're bailing out? Yes, have got us good and proper this time. I'm bailing out.

You're bailing out? Yes, Edith, I'm bailing out. I'm bailing out, but there's a catch. I've got no parachute. I hope I haven't frightened you. No, I'm not frightened. Good girl, Edith. Are you pretty?

Not bad, I suppose. You've got a good voice. I've got a feeling you're good-looking, too. I've known tens of girls. I've been in love with some of them, too. But it's you who I've never seen and never shall see who'll hear my last words. Perhaps we can do something.

Are you in love with anybody? Tell me that Edith. I could love a man like you Peter. I love you Edith. You're life and I'm leaving you. Don't say such things. Do you think in a different world if I wasn't up here in this damned injured goose that you could have married me? You can't ask me such things. Imagine me and you, Edith, living in a big house by the sea,

children playing in the orchard, cows grazing on the lawn in front. Cows? Cows, cows in every room, cows in the bedroom, cows in the parlor, cows in the bathroom, cows in the little room next to the kitchen where we keep the towels. I can imagine it, Peter. I can imagine it. I can imagine it too, darling. You single-handedly bringing down a big heifer in the front garden, taking a blade to her throat, me looking on as I milk. Oh, you would milk so well.

You drenched in crimson blood, butchering the offal in your nightgown, harvesting the sweetmeats. I can imagine it, dragging the beast into the kitchen to butcher it in front of our little family, our daughter Questria, the twins Rinky and Adam, little Romulus. He's a fine boy. Almost as tall as Rinky. I love you, Edith. I don't know how or why, but I do. Somehow I feel that I love you too. Does that make sense? It's the best sense I've ever heard. I was lucky to get you,

Edith. Even if I'll never meet you and I'll be going to sea any minute now. Oh, Peter. Yes, darling? I won't let our dream die. Goodbye, darling. Our little house by the sea. Our scores and scores of bright-eyed cows. Peter, there's so many things I want to ask you.

Peter, do you think there'll ever be a fifth meet? Peter! Peter! Peter! Father, in your sermons you teach us that God created only four meats. Beef, lamb, chicken and pork. Yes, child. But what of venison? Venison? Bury not, my child.

It's nothing more than forest beef. If anyone can shed any light on what that answerphone message might mean, please get in touch. Are we really to believe that there is a f***ing f***ing f***? Surely not. Surely. Surely not. So that's all we've got time for this month. If you're after more beef and dairy news

get over to the website now where you can read all the usual stuff as well as our off-topic section where this month we take John Travolta on a tour of Abu Dhabi's worst prisons. Until next time Beef out. A big thanks to Mike Wozniak, Nadia Kamal,

Tom Crowley and Gemma Arrowsmith. Also a big thank you to Christopher Hardy who recorded that Gregorian style singing you heard earlier and is a real vicar which as far as I'm concerned means that this podcast has been anointed by God also there are still tickets remaining for Beef and Dairy Live

which is taking place on the 26th of September in London at a venue called King's Place and you can get tickets from their website you can find their website by just googling it or yahooing it or god forbid binging it. Tickets are £6.50 which I believe are the cheapest at the London Podcast Festival which betrays my complete lack of confidence in the event. Anyway it would be lovely to see you there. Also, thanks for listening, basically. And if you do like the podcast, why not tell a friend or a relative or a workmate, maybe, or someone you're incarcerated with or the people under your command on your naval vessel? You get

the picture. And thank you for everyone who's twittered and facebooked about it i'm very grateful for that indeed um so until next time i'm travis and i'm andy and we host bunker buddies a comedy apocalypse podcast every wednesday on maximumfun.org we've got a brand new format for our podcast that we hope you want to come and check out we try out products for your podcast that we hope you want to come and check out. We try out products for your go bag. We'll try out cheddar larva and cricket bars so you don't have to. We play Would You Rather and answer questions from the audience.

And we have great guests that pop into the bunker. It's everything you love about the show and more. Come check it out every Wednesday here on MaximumFun.org. Stay safe out there. There's always hope and cheesecake. New York City, listen up. Your fellow MaxFun listeners and hosts are gathering at Stuart Wellington's New Brooklyn Bar and you're invited. You probably know Stuart from his hilarious movie

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