Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 15 - Eli Roberts Goes Legit

Episode Date: September 27, 2016

Mike Bubbins joins us for this month's episode in which we hear how Eli Roberts has started a new business.   By Benjamin Partridge and Mike Bubbins. Thanks to Sarah Morgan, Tonya Prewitt, Randall Cooper, Jamie Bradley, James Garrison, Nathaniel Metcalfe and Fred Nickl.   Featuring ∂f/∂xi by The Fucked Up Beat, with permission of the artist.   Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

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you know what to do. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by Steel Hoof Deluxe. This month, we listened to something rather strange that came through on the Beef and Dairy answerphone. But first, it's time for our big interview with Eli Roberts, formerly of Roberts Slaughterhouse. After a revealing interview that he gave to this podcast last year, his slaughterhouse was shut down by the Food Standards Agency, and last time we spoke with him, he was dogged by claims that he'd been slaughtering animals in his back garden, and in a most unforgettable encounter, he kidnapped me at gunpoint.

When we received a fax from Mr Roberts asking if he could appear on this episode, we were reluctant to speak to him again, but he assured us that he has put his past behind him and he is now running a legitimate business. And it is in the spirit of forgiveness and second chances that I recorded this interview with Mr Roberts last week. last week. The last time that we spoke on the podcast, things ended a little bit acrimoniously

between us. And to be honest, I was quite reluctant to have you back on the podcast. But you got in contact and said that you've got a new business that you'd like to talk about, and you were quite insistent in the facts you sent. Well, I mean, you know, if you don't ask, you don't get.

You know, in the modern day and age, if you don't ask, you don't get. I mean, you stitched me up, yes. You made me look like some sort of psychopath on your podcast there. But I don't bear a grudge. And I felt, actually, this was a good opportunity to let bygones be bygones, try and build some bridges and let you

come on and talk about your new venture, which I believe you're leaving the slaughterhouse past behind you because obviously you were banned from doing that what kind of business have you gone into i mean have you found a way to sort of move laterally use your skills transferable skills somewhere else well this is exactly what i did yeah it's like you read my mind to be honest what are we going for i'm known for my philanthropy. I'm known for my happy-go-lucky nature. I'm a family man. You know, I haven't seen my own kids for years and years.

But I mean, I am a giver. I thought, how can all Eli give a bit back? You know what I mean? And as luck would have it, within a couple of weeks of being shut down and threatening the prosecution, the local butterfly farm, not far from me, went into liquidation. Very fortuitous, really, for me, I mean, timing-wise,

you know, the serendipity, that's what I just found out about now, which just sums it up beautifully with serendipity. I had a lucky happenstance. All his butterflies had died essentially he claimed it was something to do with pesticides and and uh untreated awful waste and christ knows what else from my farm but i mean i don't ever like to stand on so so hang on this this butterfly farm you're talking about which had to go into liquidation the person who owned that farm

was making claims that the reason all his butterflies died was because of something you'd done he said there was various pesticides and you know

very nasty chemicals he claimed they'd all come from my farm which is a nonsense you know I'm a very very organic

and I mean old fashioned organic not this new stuff now all these bloody people with beanies on saying oh this is organic this and I mean old fashioned organic not this new stuff now all these bloody these people with beanie's on saying oh this is organic this and oh try and make organic that I mean organic

proper organic you know what I mean what's the difference between what people would think of as organic as you describe and what you think is organic oh this bloody arty farty

organic stuff now, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, it grew on a farm. It's been grown on a farm where it's had no pesticides. Well, that's bloody rubbish. You're asking for trouble, are you? Well, that's the dictionary definition of organic, isn't it? I don't care.

I'm not giving you the dictionary, he says. What are you made of? What am I made of? Carbon. What's that? Do me a favor i'd go and have a periodic table out with that i don't familiarize yourself with it there's nothing new in this world sunshine right nothing new 13.7 billion years ago everything came into existence in a blink of an eye so so your argument really is that the the chemicals that you would use on your property is made of the same molecules and...

Yes, everything is organic. It doesn't matter if it's bloody dynamite or malaria or carbon dioxide fumes or whatever you want to... Everything is organic. So there's nothing on Earth or indeed in the universe that isn't organic? Nothing. No. How can it be? So let's just go back to what you were trying to tell me. So the butterfly farm that was near your residence...

Next door, it was, yeah. Just downstream. Of the old Black River, we call it. And the butterfly farm shut down because the butterflies had died, maybe because of something you had done, but maybe not. Let's not dwell on that. No, no, no, nothing. And what happened next?

The old owner there, Mr. Davis. We haven't been the best of neighbours. I mean, you know, I ran over his daughter once by mistake and he's never let her go, you know. But I saw this for sale sign was up. Liquidation, you know, I got in touch with the auctioneers and it was a steal, I mean, for sale sign was up liquidation you know I got in touch with the auctioneers

and it was a steal for the price you know I thought I know what I'll do and I'll get a zoo for the kids I need a quick look into the prices of alpacas and stuff and camels and Christ knows what else so your idea was to turn it into some kind of wildlife experience

a family entertainment zone yeah hands on so ducks ducks rabbits oh christ ducks rabbits hedgehog badgers uh anything else i could find a couple of llamas uh a dog with three legs uh a cat various rodents yeah that was it really uh what else was there i'm trying to think a fox would you call it a zoo? I call it a zoo I called it

Eli's Organic Zoo right and basically kids come in there with their families take like 24 could to get in and they could see all these things

living in their natural habitat I said natural you know their habitat like you know but within it's just got to be it's a matter of days they'd all died

or they'd all all the animals had passed away like every single one of them yeah yeah all of them gone yeah

they were drinking from the old Black River weren't they I told them stay away from the Black River because that was

where I used to dump a lot of my organics from the other place you know you told them not to yeah got them in

like got all the boys and the girls in by boys and girls you mean llamas and ducks them not to? Yeah, I got them in, like all the boys and the girls in. By boys and girls, you mean llamas and ducks and... Yeah, all the lot of them, yeah. I got them in a big shed there. I said, listen now, stay away from the Black River. Don't drink Black River.

Of course, bloody kids being kids. And by kids, I mean animals, I think. They were straight down there, like, oh, yeah, hee-oh, hee-oh, whatever. And slurp, slurp, slurp. Within 72 hours, tops. Every one of them dead.

So then you're just left with an ex-butterfly farm filled with the corpses of various animals. Yeah, a lot of dead rodents and vermin and a couple of mammals and that. But as I said before, I'm a survivor, you know. I'm a survivor. I pick myself up by my bootstraps like I always have done. No one's ever looked after old Eli.

You know, old Eli is old school. He looks after himself and no one's going to look after me, mate. Don't even know about that now. So I thought, right, let's get old. First and foremost, I thought, right, what's the animal equivalent of old Eli? What's a survivor, right? What just gets the job done? What is prolific?

What just refuses to die right and I couldn't afford lobsters so they were one of the most hardy crustaceans as you know that you have a lot of respect for them lobster yeah

no doubt about it yeah they're fantastic I mean you drop a lobster in boiling water I mean for two or three minutes he's given a bloody good fight like you know what I mean

and your point of view is that if if you were dropped into boiling water, then you'd also put up a similar kind of display. Oh, I'd be like a bloody screaming banshee, man.

I would be like a screaming banshee. You drop me in like a big, what do you call them, a bain-marie. Drop me in a bain-marie in boiling water and I'll see what you get.

You'll get a bloody, ho-ho, you'll get a nice fury right until my last breath. So, but I couldn't afford lobsters. Second on the

wish list, another survivor, very similar, actually, I called it a land lobster, scorpion. I've read a

couple of scorpions saying they're going to be surviving in 65 million years, there'll be scorpions

evolving into the dominant species on the Earth, you know. You know, you can freeze them, you can hit them with a hammer, you can stick them in. They found scorpions crawling up in there like nuclear blast traitors and stuff. You know, you can chuck them in the freezer for years on end. You can smash them with a hammer, with a brick. Man, I've tried all these things.

They are bloody survivors, man. They are survivors. How do you think you would fare after a nuclear blast? Would you survive? There's no doubt about it, isn't there? You've just got to get on with it. You know what I mean? Every morning, oh, my eyes are falling out.

I've got no face left. Get on with it. So you just use a kind of... Get on with it. What does that mean? I've seen the videos. I've seen the videos. I've got it all planned. Don't you worry about me. All you like. If it all goes tits up. What does that mean?

What do you think get on with it means in a post-nuclear context? Stay in there till the worst of us die down a bit. Get out there, do a bit of looting. To be honest with you, I think I'd thrive. I wouldn't just survive, I would thrive. If I was in charge, I'd be smacking that red button, mate. Don't you worry about that. Straight away, bang. I'd launch a... I'd attack my own country. Happily.

If I was president or prime minister, I would launch a preemptive strike on my own country happily if I was president or prime minister I would launch a preemptive strike on my own population thereby you take the enemy the enemy is out of the game he's gone he can't get you

over the barrel or I'm going to blow you up unlucky sunshine I blow my own people up and then who's last the colonel

and I mean with a K right like in a nut the odd bit in the middle us the survivors Eli and his boys right Who's last? The colonel. And I mean with a K, right? Like in a nut. The odd bit in the middle. Us. The survivors. Eli and his boys, right? And we'd march out of that bloody, we'd march out of that bunker proud, like peacocks. More from that big interview later. But first, after the concerning answer phone message that we received last month,

this month we were met with this. Hi, I'm just calling in because, well, I've just finished listening to the most recent episode. Great stuff, as usual. But it's funny, really, because I feel like, you know, I feel a bit like I've been going mad because I think I might have had contact with some kind of, you know, like a fifth meet. And, sorry, hold on a second, there's someone at the door.

Hello? Oh, God, no, no, no, Jesus Christ, no! Meet number one, number two, three, four. Bring me number five and I'll show you the floor. Trust me, me, there are no men alive who have tasted that shit. Meet number five. You better watch yourself,ind your shit from the street You find the fifth meat

They come back and eat Three quick shots with a blam blam blam Fifth shit's more dangerous than mint and lamb I know you're not going to believe it, but I've tasted the fifth meat. Our friends Margaret and Bobby were having a dinner party, and one of the guests, Miranda, I think her name was, had brought over a platter of what she called fifth meat meatballs. On the way home, my husband commented that Miranda had this really huge forehead,

like her skull was way too big for her skin, but the meatballs were like nothing we'd ever tasted. They had a big cooler with a sign selling humanely raised beef, pork, and something else that they wouldn't identify, but they seemed really, really anxious to sell. I was in the meat market over in Lufkin talking to the new guy behind the counter, and he suggested that I pick some of this, what he called, fifth meat sausage. And so, you know, I asked him, I was like, what's fifth meat? And he said, you know, don't worry your pretty little head about it.

I haven't told anybody else this, but I went out one morning, and there was some meat sitting out on my porch. I don't know where it came from. and there was some meat sitting out on my porch. I don't know where it came from. I just ordered a meat feast pizza, and it's got all the usual stuff on there, the pepperoni and the chicken and the ground beef.

But there's something else on it. It tastes funny. I don't really know what it is. I can't really identify it. Beef, lamb, Fred in Chicago. I'm calling about your last episode, about the fifth meet. I'm an attorney, and I have a secretary who's from Mexico, and she occasionally brings in homemade meals that her mother makes. She brought one in last week, and I asked her what it was. She said something in Spanish, something Cinco, something.

I didn't know. I took a bite, and it was incredible. I asked her again. I said, Claudia, what exactly is this? And she turned to me, and it was at that point she told me i'm sorry hold on one moment after the animals have been purchased they are sent off to be slaughtered and made into meat and many other products as they move along skilled butchers remove the hides which are very carefully saved and are later made into leather other butchers put the beef into halves. Each half is called a side. The sides are washed with hot water. Everything is kept clean and sanitary. A day or two later when the meat has been chilled it may be graded for quality by the meat packers or by a government man.

The meat is now ready for market. It is moved to the distant cities and towns in refrigerator trucks. Is it a bird, is it a plane? Nah, it's number five Stay away if you really wanna stay alive Cause they'll come and get you, come and get you, oh they really will And when they do, tell me how you're gonna feel Not great and there's something I can guarantee Consider this my warning for you, don't be mad at me Cause when they come, nobody ever sees it Shoot, shoot, bang, bang, man, don't believe it The government won't help, nah, they don't care

Ain't nothing right about that sweet smell in the air keep your paws off stick to wrong speech because if you don't your last words will be help me uh just a minute let me go see who that is. Oh, hang on, maybe this is... There's someone at the door now, maybe it's the pizza man again. Hang on. Bear with me. Jeez, it's 11 p.m. Who could be knocking at the door at this hour? Hold on.

Give me a minute, someone's at the door. Hold on. Just a minute! Good Lord, hold on, someone's at the door. What? Oh, my God. Good lord, hold on, someone's at the door. What? Oh my god! About six and one half million people work in the producing of meat to turn the livestock raised on over four million farms into nutritious meat for your table.

Meat which once was a sea of grass on the Western Range. If it is you who is playing what we can only assume is some sort of prank, claiming that there is a so-called fifth meat, please stop. It isn't funny and it isn't clever. There is no such thing as a fifth meat. God gave us four meats, and they are the palette with which we paint our own meat pictures. Talk of a fifth meat is irresponsible at best, and dangerous at worst. If you're listening, and no doubt you are, put a sock in it.

Back to our big interview with Eli Roberts, after this. Why would you listen to a podcast of TV pilots that never got made? It must not have been any good, right? I don't know for a fact that anyone read it. They couldn't get the deal done. It was kind of a regime change. Someone at the studio who was in a decision-making capacity said, these guys seem like losers.

They just blamed it on, okay, well, it must be women. We got word that USA had decided to stop doing comedy. Why aren't we making this? It was so good. Hear the TV comedies you never got to see on the Dead Pilot Society podcast. Listen on MaximumFun.org or wherever

you download podcasts. You decided that you couldn't afford lobsters. Why didn't you go for the scorpions? Because I feel a kindred. They're the kindred spirit to me, as I said, right? And I don't want to exploit them. You're talking about a survivor

of the Armoured Kingdom. He deserves respect. Okay, so you didn't go for lobsters. You decided against scorpions. What happened next? Well, I thought, funny enough, I was watching the build-up of the Rio Olympics, and they were talking about mosquitoes.

And I thought to myself, hello, right? They said, you're talking low-maintenance, prolific breeders, very, very, very, very easy to keep. So I decided to reopen as Mosquito Mayhem. And basically it's a place you can bring your kids, bring your bloody grandparents, your parents, whatever, come to old Eli's, Eli's world of Mosquito Mayhem. And just talk me through, you know, imagine you've got a family and they're thinking of coming to Mosquito Mayhem.

You know, what are they going to experience in that day? Oh, you're in for a rollercoaster ride. Honestly, I mean, I cannot stress strongly enough that you'll be on a thrill ride from the moment you arrive. So you pull up in your car, right? I say, if you want to get the full experience, shorts and T-shirt, right? Shorts and T-shirt and the kids.

You get out of the car and within within a matter of seconds you'll start getting the full experience different types of mosquito and strains of mosquito in different parts of mosquito mayhem you get out of your car you're going around the various zones different kinds of mosquitoes you're getting bitten by the sounds of things oh yeah you'll be in lumps within 40 minutes. Now, I know you've had run-ins in the past with health and safety in this country because of how you're running your slaughterhouse.

Here we go, that's your job. Have you had any communication with the authorities about this particular issue? Well, no, for a simple reason. They haven't informed us. What are you going to say? Oh, we've had reports that there's a mosquito outbreak.

Oh, really? What, a mosquito may end your brain? Yeah, there might be, yeah. Oh, there's various infectious diseases. We've heard there's dengue fever. We've heard there's, you know, there's Zika virus. What the bloody hell do you expect?

Of course there is. That's what people are paying top dollar to come for, isn't it? How many people have you had visiting the experience so far?

We've had a family from the West Midlands came down by mistake. When you say by mistake? Well, they were trying to find Oakwood. It's a theme park

in 10pm. They took a wrong turn in and they saw us and then we popped in. I took a third of the grid off it and they had a walk around the place they lived it lovely family uh wife and a husband two kids they lived it in the zika zoo and all that and uh thank you dungeon can i get you to do something of a thought experiment fire away yeah so just uh think back to when um the space you're using at the moment for Mosquito Mayhem was Eli's Organic Zoo.

Right, yeah. And the couple of days before that finished where you had the llamas there and you had the dog and the ducks and the cat and the rodents. And just remember how that made you feel when you saw children walking around that and interacting with the animals. Yeah. And then compare that in your mind to how you feel or how you felt when that family from the West Midlands were walking around Mosquito

Mayhem. And can you tell me which of those feelings made you feel more like it was a worthwhile thing to do? The second one. Arms down, yeah, because the thing is, right, in this life, we more like it was a worthwhile thing to do? The second one. Arms down, yeah. Because the thing is, right, in this life, we've got everything too easy.

Right? There's no national service anymore. You know, there's no workhouses. You know, kids aren't going to look at chimneys or they aren't going to go, you know. So where are we going to get our model fibre from, right? You're not going to get any euro disney what i mean walking down there with some big burke with it with

a mickey mouse hat on yeah so you're saying that you're who won the second world war who won the second world war yeah we yeah yeah allies yeah no never mind the bloody allies don't start that again no that's, my foot.

We did, right? We haven't got a bloody Euro Disney. Have we? Coincidence? I don't think so. You're saying that the fact that Euro Disney... You're saying the fact that Euro Disney's in France tells us something about the moral nature of...

They're weak. Right? Weak. Morally weak. Physically weak. Mentally weak. Because of you're Disney. I see that family, that lovely family walking around there, right?

I used to like seeing my own kids back in the day when they were crying their eyes out about various things, right? And I thought, oh, this is giving me a tremendous sense of well-being. about various things, right? And I thought, oh, this is giving me a tremendous sense of well-being. Just to see him thinking, oh, I can see the one kid looking at his dad thinking, Dad, life's hard. You better believe it, sunshine.

These are valuable, valuable life lessons. And the way I look at it, right, you come out of mosquito man, scratching and bleeding and whatever, whatever else you want, dengue fever or whatever, right? It doesn't matter. That's irrelevant.

What will stay with you is that wonderful feeling that Christ, life is hard. And life is a bloody hard thing. And one day we're all going to die. And the very, very best we can hope for is that it's going to be quick. Whereas the odds are, I mean, it's going to be horrific. It's going to be a long drawn out affair

you know the very very best you can hope for in life you know is to meet and to fall in love and it's all wonderful and you have a great life and you bring up your family

and everyone's happy and dancing through meadows and holding hands and making daisy chains right well wise up sunshine do the best you can hope for

is one day your missus is going to die or you're going to die. And she's either going to watch you die or you're going to watch her die. And if you're lucky, it's in bed. Wake up. Smell the coffee, as Americans say, right? That kid comes out of there, out of Mosquito Man and his family. The simplest task after that is going to seem wonderful.

How long do you spend in Mosquito Man? Two and a half hours he spent, right? The boy was 10 years old the boy was at a percentage of his life nipping the rest of his life is going to seem wonderful compared to that you know two and a half hours

walking around Malaria Mountain or you know the Zika Zoo getting various infections and you walk out of that place when you go to that netting you think to yourself, oh thank Christ that's over and every day after that and it might be three or four days

it might be 70 years it's going to feel like a blessing What would you say, Eli, to people whose philosophy is slightly different and they'd say something along the lines of that childhood is a very special time and that children should be allowed to be children and shielded from the harsher realities of life because you've only got one chance to be a child. Here we go. Who said that then? Someone with a beard, I imagine.

A beard? that then? Someone with a beard, I imagine. A beard? You heard. Oh, a child is a special time. He should be allowed to be, oh, wonderful. And at 18 years of age, oh, I was expecting more than this.

Whereas someone who's been through old Eli, you know, couldn't see Mosquito Man as a kid. 18 years of age, he's working in a slaughterhouse or he's working in old Eli, you know, couldn't see Mosquito Mayor as a kid, he's working in a slaughterhouse or he's working in a knackers yard, swallowing some caustic soda, right, his lungs are burning up, he thinks, oh,

it's not as bad as bloody Mosquito Mayor, mate. I want to talk to you about, I'm interested as to where this has all come from, and I want to talk to you about your own childhood. Hmm. My dad, God bless him god bless his soul he was very much of my philosophy that you know the harder you make childhood the easier you make the rest of your life and i thank him for it every day in a way in a strange

way you know the guy i go to bed and there's there's a photograph of my father next to my bed and I scream at it before I go to bed why did you do it why why why did you ruin my childhood

I hate you I hate you next morning I wake up with a wonderful feeling of catharsis you know oh yes I'm awake

my dad's dead and I just feel alive and that's I get a little thankful for that you know what I mean where there's some sort of pampered childhood,

I'd wake up thinking, oh, God, oh, isn't life a drag compared to being a kid? Oh, I miss being a kid. Hey, time's linear. Move forward, right? Why do you want to do all the best stuff first and make everything else feel shit? Do the shit stuff first.

Make everything else seem nice. Yeah? So would you say that for Elits the the best is yet to come of course it is of course it is every day yeah every day is a blessing every day i'm not with my father and my father's legacy is i relish every day and if i can if i can impart that on other people, do the shit stuff first. Everything else is gravy. You make a kid, I tell you what, you make a kid happy, you ruin him for life.

Thanks to Eli for that wonderful interview. And all the best for the future success of Mosquito Mayhem. Also, network members who visit the attraction and quote the code ORGANIC will get 10% off a family entrance ticket and a free bucket of homemade milk-based mosquito bite lotion. So that's all we've got time for this month.

But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you can read all the usual stuff, including an in-depth scientific report in which we investigate the question, which is cleaner, the average burger restaurant or an anus? So until next time, beef out. A big thanks to Mike Bubbins and also thanks to network members Sarah Morgan, Tonya Pruitt, Randall Cooper, Jamie Bradley, James Garrison, Nathaniel Metcalf and Fred Nicol. Also thank you to Rapwolf and 13Beats.

Thanks also to everyone who came to the first ever Beef and Dairy Live at the London Podcast Festival. I thought it was great fun. It was a bit of an experiment to see how it would work but I think it worked and we all had a great time doing it and I'm really pleased that so many people came. So thank you. And also thanks to those people who

were my guests and who were involved. So that's Josie Long, Mike Wozniak, Tom Crowley, and Martin Ostwick, who are all absolutely brilliant. And hopefully I'll be able to release a recording of it or maybe chop it up and put it in upcoming episodes. So listen out for that. Thank you for listening. Keep leaving your reviews on iTunes. They're really helpful.

And if you haven't done so yet, you have no excuse. Goodbye, friend. really helpful and if you haven't done so yet you have no excuse goodbye friend i'm barbara gray i'm brandy posey and i'm tess barker we're lady to lady do you want to sleep over in your ears is that a friend in your pocket or are you just podcast to see me we're a portable hangout you can bring to the gym on the subway or on an oil rig seriously we have listeners who do that show with us while we get high with marg. Talk showgirls with Katya from Drag Race. And hear Broadway star Anthony Rapp sing Hamilton. I am not throwing away my shot. I am not throwing away my shot.

Hey, yo, I'm just like my country. I'm young, scrappy, and hungry, and I'm not throwing away my shot. That's Lady to Lady. Can you keep a secret? Neither can we. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. neither can we.