Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 17 - Boffo's Cow Circus

Episode Date: November 20, 2016

Greg Davies joins us for this month’s episode, as we bag an exclusive interview with the founder of Boffo’s Cow Circus, Boffo. By Benjamin Partridge and Greg Davies. Thanks to Tom Crowley, Max Davis, Catherine Paskell, Tom Neenan, Lloyd Langford, Elis James, Gareth Gwynn, Alex Adey and Sian Harries.   Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Steel Hoof Deluxe, the new hoof-strengthening supplement from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Steel Hoof Deluxe doesn't just strengthen hooves, it makes skin steel-strong, so your cows will be able to take a bullet and survive most explosions. For 10% off your order, lower yourself on bended knee by a roaring fire and whisper the code DELU deluxe into the flames. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved

or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by Steel Hoof Deluxe. This month, we hear how the public feel Brexit will affect them vis-à-vis beef. But first, Boffo's Cow Circus, the brainchild of British cow circus pioneer Boffo is celebrating its 10th anniversary this year, and to celebrate, is mounting its largest British tour yet.

Last week I went to see the show, and the next day I was lucky to snag an interview with the elusive Boffo at his luxury caravan in the heart of London's West End. Hello, my name's Boffo, and I'm the owner and ringmaster of Boffo's Cow Circus. Boffo, first of all, thanks for accommodating me here in your luxury caravan. You're very welcome. It's beautiful. Oh, thank you. I want to congratulate you on the show last night.

Needless to say, I loved it. I absolutely loved it. Well, thank you. I'm glad you loved it. I took my little nephew along. I saw him with you, yeah. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face when that cow, I can't remember what her name was,

you put her in the cannon and you find her out of the cannon and it's that bath of bolognese. Yeah. And, I mean, the whole crowd obviously couldn't believe what they were seeing. It's incredible, isn't it? And there's the interactivity of the bolognese splashing across their faces. Well, that's right. I looked down at my nephew and he was scooping the bolognese out of his eyes.

Yeah, well, if she hits it at the right angle, well, you do. You get a real wave. Yeah. We call it a bologna wave. We were hit big time by the bologna wave. I mean, I'm going to have to throw away a lot of my clothes, I think,

but it was worth it. Yeah. I want to just go back and I'm interested in how someone like yourself, Boffo, gets into this kind of game have you were you brought up in the circus was this something you decided oh not at all no no i'm first generation cow circus i was i mean as she started i was a laborer on a farm in shropshire do you want the full story yes please well i i fell asleep by a cattle grid that i'd been asked

to paint by um the farmer who was employing me very mean spirited man awful man virtually no neck awful man anyway i painted the cattle grid and uh thought i bought myself half an hour of relaxing time and i lay down in the long grass and something unbelievable happened i witnessed a cow approach the cattle grid. She looked both ways. She didn't see me. And then she used her front hooves to hitch up her skin, like a skirt, like a Victorian lady would hitch up a skirt. And then, and this is, it sounds ludicrous, but I saw it. she reared up onto her back legs and she tentatively clip-clopped over the cattle grid into freedom on her hind legs on her hind legs yeah and you were working for the farm at the time and you didn't think i better stop this cow from getting away you know forgive me but i

was amazed by what i'd seen i'd seen a cow use its initiative to escape and do something that i didn't think was possible it was up on its hind legs across the grid in seconds and escaped i mean sadly in this case it didn't end well because um it was freshly painted of course and uh the telltale footprints were there so he was able to find her bring her back to the farm and um sadly destroy her straight away as an example of the others and this planted a seed in your in your brain of course it did if she's got that initiative if she has that physical dexterity then surely other cows have and surely there's a way out of the farm for me and the herd so to speak so your first herd of of acrobatic cows did you buy them or did you take them from the farmer who was you're

working for i played the long game generally speaking if a man has no neck there are two reasons for that he's born with it well there's something wrong with him and in this case uh mercifully it turned out that i was right and there was something wrong with him um obviously he wasn't married because he was an awful man so i just played the long game and i waited for for his demise i must confess i had a little flicks for his paperwork to make sure there wasn't a will leaving the farm to a disturbed relative in a different county but no, there was nothing. So as his only employee the whole herd came to me and that's when work

began in earnest. Really liberating exciting times. I mean it's awful to celebrate the death of a man but he really wasn't a nice man. He didn't have a neck of any kind? No neck, incredible straight from jaw to shoulder What does that to a man? I don't know what the condition was, they didn't do an autopsy because no one gave a shit of any kind? No neck. Incredible. Straight from jaw to shoulder. Wow. What does that to a man?

I don't know what the condition was. They didn't do an autopsy because no one gave a shit. So, you're sitting there. You've got your own herd of cows that you've inherited

from your non-necked former employer. Yep. You've got the farm, I assume, the land. Yeah, it all got left to me.

Incredible, really. And you thought, I guess you had a choice in front of you. You could either carry on as a dairy farmer or a beef farmer, or you could do something a bit different. Once you've learnt what a group can do, if you've seen even just a pinprick of potential, then it would be criminal not to run with that. I mean, it's easy for them to have mechanical suction pumps attached to their teats

and be drained of their life force, as I call their milk. That's easy. That's no challenge. But when you've seen what a cow is capable of, I mean, Jesus Christ, what choice did I have? You took a bit of a risk, didn't you? Because there's no evidence that every cow can just pick up its skin like a skirt and walk over a calf grid. No, no. I mean, obviously, yeah. It didn't occur to me, if I'm honest with you.

No, I just thought if one girl can do it, the other girls can do it. You had faith? Yeah, you have to have, don't you? You have to believe in yourself. And obviously, you know, as time went on, it was very clear that some of the girls were better at, just as with humans, you know.

Some of us are born to be accountants and some of us are born to be jet pilot fighters. And the same was true of the girls, you know. Some of them were incredibly nimble on their hooves. Some of them had natural balance and some of them had just sheer power. And that's the great thing about circus, isn't it? Because there were different jobs. You know, so last night we had a lot of of acrobatics but also the clowns and they have a very separate kind of set of skills i mean they weren't funny um but clowns aren't funny they're quite disturbing aren't they yeah exactly and um they are just they are disturbing and if

you think about how rudimentary the suction devices are in a normal dairy farm, how basic they are, for four girls to run out in full costume and to be able to use their hooves to milk themselves... Into the crowd. Yeah. We were all covered in it yesterday. Of course, isn't it wonderful? I mean, how bored are we of human clowns who run out and throw the old bucket of glitter into the crowd?

I mean, we all know there's glitter in there. We all know there's not going to be water. Well, actually, last night when we were walking in, me and my nephew, they said, would you like to buy one of these ponchos for two pounds? And I said, well, no, of course not, because clowns never actually throw real water, do they? It's just a bucket of glitter.

Exactly. And you understandably thought, I don't need a poncho to fend off glitter. Exactly. But what you do need a poncho for is... Hot milk fend off freshly squeezed milk yeah yeah but incredible isn't it they taught themselves that i had i didn't say you know why don't you try and jamming the teat in between your hooves they just did it they fanged away and in fact i mean we've had some accidents the hooves do tend to pinch the teat so what they So what they're actually doing is they're very rapidly flicking the teat.

You speak to a vet, incredibly ignorant people, largely vets, you speak to a vet and he'll tell you they haven't got an elbow joint in there, you know, they can't flick. I've had a vet say to me, cows can't flick. And then I've sat him in the front row of my circus and I'll say, well, what the hell is this cow doing? Because you're covered in milk. More from that big interview later.

But first, before the show began at Boffo Circus, we asked our intern, Barry, to speak to some of the circus attendees and ask them how they feel the UK's exit from the European Union and the potential changes in legislation regarding the production of beef will affect their lives. To be honest, I don't think that's going to change my life at all. Why are you naked? What's going on here?

That won't affect my life at all, I don't think. Why are you naked? To be honest, I don't think it will affect my life in any way whatsoever. Do you realise you're not wearing any clothes? I don't actually think it'll have any impact on my life whatsoever. And another thing, why are you naked? Could you just put some trousers on or something? No, I don't think that'll affect my life at all.

Why are you naked? I can't see that changing my life in any way. And also, why are you naked? Oh, I don't know. I mean, it's sad, really. Um, why are you naked? Now, look, I honestly can't see it affecting me in any way whatsoever, and for the love of God, would you please put some clothes on?

I don't think it's going to have that much of a, well make that much of a difference to my life. Why are you naked? This is a public power affair. I have to say I think all of this about all these changes in the post-EU landscape I think it's utterly overblown. I cannot see it impacting me. But please, could you put some clothes on? Why are you naked? Why are you naked? Listen, with you being naked, it's quite hard to consider this properly. Why are you naked? Could you please put some clothes on? Don't look at him. Don't look at him, Alice. Don't look at him. No, he's not got any clothes on. Don't look at him. Why are you naked? Excuse me, mate. Will you put some clothes on? Is there some reason you're naked?

Oh, God's sake. Put some clothes on. Seriously, can you put your dick away? I like your piercing. Why are you naked? Why are you naked? Hello, is that Mrs Porter? I was looking to speak to Mrs Porter. Is that your mum? Yes, could you be wrong please?

Hello, Mrs Porter, it's Peter Horne-Jones from the Beef and Dairy Network. Yes, we've spoken before. Barry's here doing an internship this month. Well, it... Not, not bad. Not brilliantly, if I'm honest. Well, that's why I'm calling. You see, Barry turned up to work today completely naked. Just socks and shoes. And a backpack, if that counts. Yes, it is the third time this week. We were originally hoping to deal with it on our end here, but you understand we have to, yes, we feel we have to escalate the conversation somewhat, yeah, oh, well, that'll explain the fire in the bin outside, okay, yeah, well, I'll try and put a sack over him, I've got some sacking here, has

he ever done this before, is this, is this something he often does, only because it wasn't mentioned on his CV? No, no, he hasn't mentioned that to us. Yes. Mrs. Porter, there's no need to cry. Mrs. Porter, this is very important. Are you sure he said fifth meet? You're absolutely sure about that? He got it where?

From the sky? He got it from the sky? Okay, listen. Listen, this is very important. Don't answer the door to anyone. Mrs Porter? Mrs Porter? Mrs Porter? Mrs Porter?

Mrs Porter? Mrs Porter? If anyone has seen Barry, or indeed his mother, Mrs Porter, in the last week or so, we'd appreciate it if you'd let us know. Back to our big interview with Boffo after this. Hello Internet, I'm your husband host, Travis McElroy. And I'm your husband host, Travis McElroy. And I'm your wife host, Teresa McElroy. And together we present Schmanners.

It's extraordinary etiquette. For ordinary occasions. We explain the historical significance of everyday etiquette topics, then answer your questions relating to modern life. So join us weekly on MaximumFun.org or wherever podcasts are found. No RSVP required. Check out Schmanners. Schmanners, Schmanners. Get it? Is yours the only cow circus currently going around the country?

In Britain? Oh, for sure. To my knowledge, it's the only cow circus that's ever existed in this country. I mean, in Russia, in rural Russia, every small town has a cow circus. I imagine you're aware of that already, though. Yeah, I mean, everyone knows about those. It's a fairly commonplace art form in Russia. Have you ever taken boffos over there to...

I went over to have a look. I mean, there's not a lot of joy in the russian cow circuses to be honest but it's part of their it's more intrinsic to their culture i mean i came up with the cow circus in this country entirely coincidentally but over there you know they're raised to well there's a word for it actually it's de brinskian in english it loosely translates as um making meat entertained before it feeds. When you were over there, did you feel they had a greater respect for the art form because it was so intrinsic to their culture? No, I thought they were very lazy. And to be honest, there's not a lot of life in the eyes of the children that go and see a Russian cow circus because they're raised to think it's commonplace.

If anything, a lot of children are trying to escape small rural towns in Russia because they don't want to be involved in the cow circus and there's almost a contempt for cows you know the health and safety that we employ you saw it last night when we fired Imelda out of the cannon we do everything we can to make sure that she's not killed at the end of it I mean if she is she knows the risks so be it but over there i mean they don't even train the cannon cows properly they'll just pop them in bam there's a i mean there's probably a death every other night in a in a russian cow circus it's interesting isn't it culturally it's almost as if they feel shackled to the circus in russia whereas i conversely was liberated by the circus liberated by by cows when you were watching the russian

cow circuses yeah did you pick up any bits of the act any traditional techniques were there anything there that you know because no to be honest because my circus is about entertainment and theirs is is largely there to reflect the glory of so Russia, you know. Their cows are seen not to be individuals, and, you know, during the show they're punished if they're not seen as just part of the herd. So, I mean, I saw one sickening dance routine, which was supposed to be the finale of the show. One of the cows put a hoof wrong,

and she was, well, she was instantly destroyed in front of the crowd. And that is in stark contrast to what I saw last night, which was, I would say, a celebration of individual liberty because those cows are all individuals, aren't they? They've all got their own outfits. Yeah. They're celebrated on their own terms, not just as a herd, but as individuals. That's right.

And we found their skills together. I mean, I must have put 300 cows on a unicycle before one finally rode it. You know? Is there anything you can't make a cow do? No. You don't think there's any barriers or limits? There is one thing. There's one thing that's eluded me to date.

I've spent a long time trying to perfect the hover cow ballet. I mean, it's pretty well documented that a cow produces an unholy amount of methane. I mean, it's pretty well documented that a cow produces an unholy amount of methane. And I am still of the belief, and one of my ex-employees actually was a physicist in a former life, so he's confirmed that it is technically possible that if I can control the methane that a single cow produces, there's no reason why that cow wouldn't be able to self-propel, wouldn't be able to lift itself off the ground with controlled methane. The problem, of course, is sphincter control, you know. I've developed a series of exercises that I've tested on myself,

and I have, you know, I've managed to get some lift personally at home in the caravan. I mean, I'm a human, so I'm not producing that much methane, but I've had a foot and a half of lift briefly. But communicating sphincter control to a cow is very difficult. But I see no reason. You know, it's my ultimate goal in the next 15 years. I don't see any reason why we won't see a cow capable of sustaining flight for up to 30 minutes. It's been, well, if we're to believe Chinese state news outlets, it has been achieved in china hasn't it yes i know but that's yeah that's propaganda on their part you don't believe it that's well that's the chinese

military they were i know they were trying to develop attack cows but yeah that would never work to get any lift a cow has to be focused on getting lift, they're not going to be able to operate a gun at the same time. It's ridiculous. I think this is a good point at which I should probably bring up. The kind of criticism that you face. Even last night, even though I was enjoying it, and I want to make that very clear. Yeah, I feel a butt coming. Yes.

Well, I wasn't sure how to feel about when I saw Imelda being fired out of the cannon, which I think is the showpiece of the whole thing. Of course, of course. No Imelda, no Bollywave. It was incredible. And I think that the fact that it was so majestic, I think took people's minds off something that, if you think about it, is a little bit troubling for me, which is that she was landing in that bath of bolognese.

Yes. And I was thinking, what kind of beef have they made that bolognese out of? Well, retired beef. I mean, if Imelda could speak, she would tell you that as soon as the excitement for performance has gone from her, she'll want to be part of the performance by being part of the Bollywave. I mean, I think it's something they all aspire to. I'm just going to keep going on this furrow for a bit. Please. I've nothing to hide.

You know, I've invited you around the training facility. There's nothing to hide. You'll find a herd of very happy cows there was there was a few protesters only two or three but they were there and they were they were a vocal presence and last night there was a woman um in the audience who was sat quite close to me and halfway through she i'm sure you saw this she stood up and she produced a banner and she got her out and she was holding it above her head and it said cows aren't here to entertain us yes they are here on earth for us to intensively farm and then ultimately consume or just bin it if it can't be sold yeah i saw the banner uh it's a strong message is it a strong message though let me put this to you when i worked on the farm i saw a cow that um got an infection in her one of

her teats and the vet looked at her once at the farmer's behest she was taken around the back of the cow shed and i didn't see her again now i i don't know what happened and it's i mean the farm is gone now so there can't be a legal case anyway, but I know that she didn't come back, and that when he returned, he had a lump hammer in his hand. Now, would you rather a cow live a glorious life of performance and receive all of the accolades that comes with that, and risk a broken leg, risk a bloodied snout enjoy the adulation of the crowd and only when you've given up the ghost yourself i mean it very much that the our girls are not

terminated until the light the fun has gone out of their eyes and the joy of performance has left them last night after after the finale and the the song had happened and the bollywave had happened and people were filing out yeah and i had a bit of a moment where i just sat in the in the marquee and i just took it in because i i didn't want it to end and as everyone else was leaving there was you know a handful of people left all of the cows that had been in the performance came out again on into the ring yeah and they started licking the ring clean yeah consuming the the bolognese which had uh which amelda had splattered all over the audience yeah and one of the cows was licking bolognese of my nephew yeah and it was it was tender it was a tender moment of course looking around there was a handful of us who who were still filing out of the auditorium.

And I think some of the other people were a little bit disturbed or sickened by the image of a cow eating bolognese. Is that something you can understand? No. It's interesting, isn't it? Is that something you can understand? No. It's interesting, isn't it? You know, I wonder if those people have ever fed their own children cow milk.

I'm disgusted by that. If we try to do that the other way around, if I brought a calf out into the ring and I asked one of the human women there to remove one or both of her breasts and to start suckling that infant cow, I mean, there would be outrage. And yet you see cow eating cow, the most natural thing in the world, and suddenly it's, oh, let's call the council,

let's close this man down. Although, going back to your example of the woman suckling a cow, it's not quite as equivalent, is it? The equivalent would be you know when you meet your own end yes um if you were to then if your wishes were that you were then to be eaten by yeah that's the equivalent and that's something that i think would make many people very uncomfortable if if I chose to be consumed by...

If you were minced, turned into some sort of Italian sauce and then fed to other humans. Yes. That's the equivalent, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I suppose it is. I suppose all one can do at the end of the day is to just, you know, look at yourself in the full-length mirror in the comfort of your luxury caravan and say,

if I died doing what I love, would I want to be consumed? And I think the reflection looking back at me would say, yes. A big thanks to Boffo for that revealing interview. To any listeners who want to bear witness to the exquisite, hooved acrobats themselves, all of the tickets to the UK shows have sadly sold out. However, if you're listening in the USA, it was announced only yesterday that early next year,

Boffo's Cow Circus will begin a Las Vegas residency in collaboration with Celine Dion. Boffo and Celine have been secretly working on the show together for five years, and rumours have begun to circulate that Celine herself will be loaded into the cannon to set off the Bollywave. So that's all we have time for this month. But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you can read all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month, Austrian actor Christoph Waltz writes movingly about how his decision to start carrying a sword at all times

led to rifts in his family, a lifetime ban from LA airport and near constant excruciating lower back pain. So until next time, beef out. Thanks to Greg Davis, Tom Crowley, and the lovely Vox Pops from Max Davis, Catherine Pascal, Tom Neenan, Lloyd Lankford, Edis James, Gareth Quinn, Alex Aidey, and Sian Harris. And thanks to you for listening. You can find us on Twitter at at Beef and Dairy. We also have our own Facebook page. And if you enjoy the podcast, why not tell a friend? Creativity, comedy and new friends are waiting for you at MaxFunCon 2017. MaxFunCon West returns to Lake Arrowhead in June and MaxFunCon East is back in the Poconos in September. Don't miss a

stellar lineup of hilarious comedians, live podcast recordings of your favorite MaxFun shows, and an embarrassment of amazing classes to choose from. Tickets for MaxFunCon East and West go on sale Friday, November 25th. Don't miss your chance to be part of an unforgettable weekend. Visit MaxFunCon.com to buy your tickets on November 25th. MaximumFun.org Your tickets on November 25th.