Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 20 - Lamb Investigation Special

Episode Date: February 20, 2017

  Rose Matafeo, Tom Neenan, Jesse Thorn, Tom Crowley and Nigel Crowle join in this month for a lamb investigation documentary feature special.   By Benjamin Partridge, Rose Matafeo, Jesse Thorn, Tom Crowley and Nigel Crowle.   Music: Wedding Etude #1 by Brett Van Donsel: brettvandonselmusic.com   “Dry Air” “B7 Bomber” “Memory Wind” Podington Bear soundofpicture.com

lamb is pernicious lamb is the one issue that no one's talking about and the issue that everyone should be talking about lamb is a way of life it's um it's part of our heritage in new zealand and which is why it's so hard to hear that it's causing so many problems in this country. I'll tell you this. I'm a professional risk assessor. And this threat terrifies me. You will not find lamb or mint on my plate, nor on my children's. If I'd known that a piece of lamb would have this devastating effect on my life, I would have thought very hard. I wouldn't have been swayed even by a piece of lamb.

However beautifully cooked, I would not have tasted it. even by a piece of lamb, however beautifully cooked. I would not have tasted it. I would have gone, no, take that lamb away from me. That filthy, dirty, disgusting plate of lamb away from me. But I was vulnerable. Lamb. Amongst the four meats, it's very much the black

sheep and also the white sheep. What is often forgotten is that lamb itself is harmless, as harmless as a sheep, and also the white sheep. What is often forgotten is that lamb itself is harmless, as harmless as a chicken pie, a beef plat, or a plate of venison, aka forest beef. It's a question of sources, and lamb leads inexorably to mint, the bastard herb. But how prevalent is the consumption of lamb? Can anything be done about it?

And should I renew my Amazon Prime? The first two of these questions are the focus of this Beef and Dairy Network podcast, Lamb Investigation Special. I went to see friend of the show Dr Sam Archer a GP best known for his appearances on BBC Two's What the Doctor Ordered and Channel 4's Celebrity Euthanasia Live Dr Archer appeared on this podcast last year giving advice to anyone with a lamb problem the best thing to do really is to seal yourself up in your home

with some heavy duty tape and just just try and go out with some dignity he took me for a walk around his local area to show me signs of lamb use or as it's known on the streets bow peeping here's a great example okay you see the corner of this street yeah okay you see there we've got an old man an old woman and a young boy. We'll just hang back a bit. Yeah. So we've got an old man, an old woman and a young boy there. This is a classic example of bow peeping happening right here because it's all to do with, you see, usually in threes these people get the lamb and that's because it's one for the master,

one for the dame and one for the little boy who lives down the lane. And see, that's how they go about getting the lamb so which which of those three will actually be making the transaction uh so that'll be the dame right the dame will be the one who uh she'll be uh facilitating the the selling of the lamb between the seller the master and the buyer that's the little boy who lives down the lane right so this is classic bow peeping. Yeah. Happening in broad daylight. I have to remember this is totally legal though.

Yes, yeah, yeah, but it's disgusting. In the safety of his home, Dr Archer told me that since his appearance on this podcast last year, he has spent a lot of time researching the field more deeply. He was shocked when he discovered the gravity of what we're facing. It frightens me for the future of our nation and the globe, actually, when I think about how dangerous lamb is to people. You know, we're all thinking about the polar ice caps when actually we should be looking at something else that's white and moving slowly. And that's that's sheep and the meat they produce.

Hi, I'm Ted Busk. I'm a senior analyst at the Global Threats Index. We're an organization which determines the probability of various threats to humankind. And then we provide that information to governments and NGOs. Ted Busk is one of the world's most highly respected risk analysts. Every year at GTI, we put together an index of dangers that are facing humankind worldwide. This year's list, top 10 is the stuff that you would expect largely, pandemic flu, asteroid

event, nuclear conflict, unspecified mystical plague. But for the first time, and this is big news, the first time the lamb epidemic is in the top 10, coming in at number nine, right between full robot takeover and a witch's curse. So based on current trends, and I'm extrapolating here, we estimate that the global lamb epidemic and especially the mint consumption that's associated with the global lamb epidemic will be the number one existential threat facing humankind within five to ten years. Clare was a very happy child, the life and soul of the party. Everyone adored her,

very chatty, bubbly, flourishing really. The writer, Leonard Mouveau, was living happily with his wife and teenage daughter Claire in Herefordshire. Then he got a new job, writing quirky and light-hearted copy for the side of juice bottles and moved the family to London. And she started at her new school and suddenly I noticed a total change in her. She suddenly became uncommunicative and sullen. And we had absolutely no idea why.

One night, Leonard got home late after a long day writing text for the inside of a speech bubble emanating from a cool raspberry, to find that Claire hadn't come home. Leonard rang all of her friends and her school, but no-one had any idea where she was. Leonard was frantic. I began putting missing posters up all over the area and then further afield to the neighbouring boroughs. And then a few nights later, I received a text message from an unknown number

saying someone thought they had seen my daughter. So I followed the directions in the text and I followed them here, just this way here, through to this palace of bins behind this hotel. And I searched around and eventually I noticed that rather oversized yellow bin over there and I saw this trace of movement, a blonde head bobbing around. As I got nearer, I looked inside, and I saw, there she was, there was my daughter, Claire, chomping down on an enormous leg of lamb,

really going to town on it. And she looked up at me with these hollow eyes, staring straight through me like she'd never seen me before in her life. I felt like I didn't exist. I felt like everything that I had known or thought I knew had completely fallen away, like an ashtray made of snow. In all probability, Claire had been sold that leg of lamb by a lamb dealer from New Zealand. The thing is, is that in New Zealand, we are sort of, I guess, capable of taking lamb. Jessica, not her real name, is a former lamb dealer.

When I was a young kid, I grew up on lamb chops. You know, I mean, when I was first teething, my mum would take out a frozen lamb chop out of the freezer and I sort of just gum it. When it's so prevalent in your diet from such an early stage of your life, I mean, it doesn't really negatively affect you because you don't know anything but lamb. I personally have never eaten any other meat. I've only eaten lamb. I've once nearly had some chicken and I was really drunk.

Jessica is originally from Auckland but is now living in South London. So basically, when anyone gets a certain age in New Zealand, they kind of get sent over here uh to kind of have their overseas experience you know get to know people on the other side of the world do some traveling obviously deal lamb and uh and introduce it into the uk market and you're kind of brought up your whole life knowing that you will make this trip you will be transporting about 23 kgs of frozen lamb in your luggage to be able to sell and introduce over here. I mean, is it illegal? No.

Is it frowned upon here? Absolutely. The customs officers were really quite abusive is probably a strong word, but they had a lot of questions. They had a lot of questions like lot of questions like why is your bag bleeding um what does that smell why don't you have any clothes uh why is your like why is your passport just like covered in meat juice as jessica says she was able to come to this country and sell that suitcase full of thawing lamb absolutely legally. We're living in a world where lamb is legal and mint sauce is still legal. It says that this is permissible, that this is okay. It's not. And I don't know why they're not stepping in. I don't know why they're not doing more to stop young people getting hold of

lamb. Personally, I think that there should be raids at every port any refrigerated van they should be going in and tearing out the lamb because it's just it's upsetting that more hasn't been done but I think that's an example of how this current government is just slow to act on lamb So do you think it is this specific government for example is it

the Conservative Party in this country or is it across the board because you know we all heard those reports it the Conservative Party in this country or is it across the board? Because, you know, we all heard those reports of the Labour Party conference absolutely reeking of mint sauce. The smell kicking off the back of that hotel. Yeah. Some people having to be hospitalised just from the fumes coming out from the windows from the party conference. And that's the problem that we've got because it's the hypocrisy that is at the heart of government. On the one hand, they're saying we're going to crack down on lamb and then of course nothing ever comes of it it plays well when you're campaigning but then when

it comes to actually implementing it nothing is ever done we're seeing the same thing in the us at the minute we're seeing senators who come out and say we're gonna we're gonna stamp out this land problem protect our young people and then what do you see them doing? You see them in a restaurant the next day and they're having a cutlet. Well, surprise, surprise. I think a lot of people in the anti-lamb community were quite excited about the Trump presidency. He'd been, he'd talked tough. Yeah.

And it played well with his core audience. And obviously that paid off for him. Yeah. Are you seeing anything happening as a result of that? Has it happened yet? No. There's rumours in the executive order that will be signed that will prohibit the sale of anything. Although, see, here's where they get you.

Because this is to do specifically with you meat as opposed to all lamb. as opposed to all lamb. So once again, they're finding ways of sneaking in legislation which actually allows for the legal consumption of lamb. What about the rumours of the secret tape of Trump guzzling hot mutton and lamb straight off a barbecue? Well, they're unsubstantiated, we have to say that now. And I do have to say that no one's actually, as far as I'm aware, has seen this video. But if what the rumors are to be believed, there is footage of the president of the United States arriving at a barbecue that he was not invited to.

Right. The first thing he does is he arrives there. He barges his way to the front of the barbecue. He forces the barbecue chef out of the way. He then grips the lamb, oddly, with his fingers, pressing against the grill, which must have caused him immense pain. He then holds the piece of lamb aloft, says, I'm the statue of Lamberty, which doesn't work, and then just rips into the lamb and then is politely asked to leave

and from then i understand he just he is gets into a chauffeur driven car and is taken away his uh his hand scorched from the the barbecue and and obviously greasy from the from the lamb lamb piece and if rumors are to be believed putin has these tapes Well, one can only wonder about the ties which are currently going on between Putin, Trump and the Prime Minister of New Zealand, whatever his or her name is. Much of the concern around the growing lamb problem seems to focus on its effect on the youth. But recent research shows that this is nothing more than an outdated stereotype,

much like the idea that German men always dress quite smartly. Figures published by Action on Lamb UK this year show that lamb consumption affects people of all ages. I used to run a restaurant, a very successful restaurant, called Beefy's. I was running it with my wife, Imelda, and she, well not to put too fine a point upon it, she did the dirty on me. Barry Gore is a 61-year-old restauranteur. Very distressing. I found out too late that she'd been seeing a fireman behind my back. Well, not just a fireman, it was a whole station full of firemen, actually. The revelations about the firemen had a disastrous effect on their relationship,

and despite a long weekend in a canal boat with six litres of homemade cider, which was supposed to reignite that flame, the marriage collapsed. I don't want to admit it, it left me very, very depressed. So I went back to our restaurant, Beefy's, and I said to our chef, Brett, who was from New Zealand, I said, Brett, you know, I think the thing that could bring me around is if you did one of your signature dishes there. And he said, yeah, sure, I'll cook you something. I'll cook

you something, you know, with beef, a nice beef stew, something like that. I said, no, no, no, I'm not sure if that's going to be the way. It'll remind me too much of Imelda and her indiscretions with the whole of the fire station. So Brett said, well, how about if I cook you lamb?

I said, well, I've never had lamb. I've never been a lamb person. I think in this life you're either a beef person or a lamb person. I was very much a beef person. So Brett cooked me a little lump of lamb, piece of lamb, loin of lamb, flank of lamb, loin of lamb, flank of lamb, whatever of lamb. And I have to say, it was delicious. And ever since then, I crave lamb all the time. My current job, don't know what I used to do.

What do you do now? I work at the Harry Potter gift shop at King's Cross Station. King's Cross, St. Bracus. I take the photos with the people. They've recently, it used to be free to take a photo with the trolley going through the wall at 93 quarters. But now they've kind of, they've bought some, you know, the poles with the trolley going through the wall, a nine and three quarters, but now they've kind of, um, they've bought some, you know, the, um, the poles with the, the things. So you have to line up and, um, a camera person, myself, a photographer will take a photo, we'll lend you a scarf, you can put it on and then you can like buy the photos. So, um, yeah, I've been doing that for a

while now and I honestly, I love it. I love it. It's, it's, it's what I've been doing that for a while now. And I honestly, I love it. I love it. It's what I've always wanted to do. Quite specifically, I've always wanted to work in the Harry Potter gift shop, taking photos of people pretending to be magic. And I'm loving it. So you're living your dream in the Harry Potter gift shop. What would happen if they found out about what you've been doing when you first came to the UK? I honestly don't really like to think about it

because if they did, it would be... I mean, they have a zero policy on lamb. As you know, there is no lamb in the Harry Potter films or Harry Potter universe. I don't know what I'd do because I've been working as you know there are no um there is no lamb in the harry potter films or harry potter universe i don't know what i do because i've been work i've been working towards this my entire life this has been my dream and this is what the path i want to follow if they did find out i probably would be fired instantly i'd be on the street again and to be honest i i think there's a potential that I would start

dealing again I don't know if I'd have the strength not to so in a way you are yourself a victim of lamb it's so hard it's so hard to agree with that because i i haven't known anything but lamb since i was born right i was born in new zealand okay like new zealand is lamb more after this hello and welcome to PodPhone. What type of podcast are you looking for? You have chosen funny podcasts about bad movies. Rated R. May we recommend The Flophouse? Three friends talk about bad movies and make each other and you laugh. Rated R.

The Flophouse is playing at your ears. If you download it right now or whenever. Rated R. To purchase tickets to The Flophouse. You don't need to do that, just download it. The Flophouse, rated R for nudity, I guess. On my way here, I got talking to a group of young people and um we got talking about lamb okay they said they hadn't tried it excellent but they said that's what all the hip cats are doing right okay they said that they felt that it was um of all the meats it was definitely the

grooviest yeah and that really it was totally radical that's the words they were using they said i think it's totally totally radical okay well this is the problem that we're seeing which is that lamb is sneaking its way back into the popular culture we're seeing it more and more uh the video for uh for the rapper gazillionaire um and his his whole song about like uh gotta get me that bar bar gotta get me that bar bar and it's me that bar bar. And it's just him. And bar bar is making reference to? That's, to Lam. Yeah, so I think that's rap parlance for Lam. And there he is, he's surrounded by women in bikinis

in a jacuzzi filled with mint sauce. And of course that's going to look appealing. Of course kids are going to want to experience that. So we've also got to make it clear that some people make this look glamorous. Gazillionaire, the rapper, is pretty cool, though. It's not my taste, not my taste, anyway. I mean, sure, some people think that the private jets are cool.

Some people think that all the, you know, being surrounded by women is cool. Some people think that all the humanitarian work he does is cool. Not me, no, no. For me, Gazillionaire is just another bad influence of a long line of bad influences in the music industry who are helping promote lamb. New Zealand, New Zealand culture and rap, inextricably linked and at the heart of this problem. Gazillionaire is obviously the head of the vanguard when it comes to this. Yeah.

New Zealand's biggest rapper. Recently did an album featuring Sam Neill. the head of the vanguard when it comes to this yeah new zealand's biggest rapper um recently did an album featuring sam neill well it's this whole sort of this whole this whole group of people who are sort of emerging from places like wellington you know the places that are considered hip and cool and a bit dangerous of course you know i'm old enough to remember when you couldn't get someone from auckland and someone from well Wellington in the same room for fear of people attacking each other with rakes and hoes. Yeah, and spades. Yeah.

What's going on there? Because you've got the two sides over there. You've got the Auckland's and the Wellington's. But they're both selling lamb into Britain. Well, it's the way they choose to do it. They both disagree on where their turf is in terms of who's bringing lamb into different areas. They also disagree on the type of cuts. That's where a lot of this disagreement comes from.

There are some people who think it should all be lamb shoulder. So in Wellington, it's all lamb shoulder. That's why the Wellington rappers, you'll notice they wear their t-shirts, but they only wear a t-shirt over one shoulder. That's a reference to lamb shoulder. In Wellington, when they slaughter a lamb, what would they do with the shanks, for example? Just throw them away? They'd just be thrown away.

Right. That's the, yeah. So obviously, so Gazillionaire, you've heard his lyrics and also Prestige's album, which is all about that bin the shank, bin the shank. Yeah, shoulders to cry on. Yes, yeah, exactly. So now you get to see how pernicious it is. Right, I see. And of course, in Auckland, it's all about chops. Yes, yeah, exactly. So now you get to see how pernicious it is. Right, I see. And of course in Auckland it's all about chops.

Yes. Which is more dangerous, Wellington or Auckland? Oranges or apples, really. Which one's more dangerous? Oranges. Yeah, oranges. The one ray of hope is that many dealers from New Zealand are beginning to become disillusioned. 25% of Kiwi dealers either stop dealing or return to New Zealand within 18 months. Jessica stopped dealing after a violent incident last year. So about eight months ago,

I was dealing outside my usual spot, St Stephen's Primary School, across the road. And it was such a blur. It's still a blur. Basically, I just get really sorry I get really emotional talking about it I basically I got stabbed by one of my clients um Marlene she was a nanny picking up the kids from school and uh she put an order for eight lamb chops and I mean I had it I had the stuff uh I was handing it over and she didn't have the money and there was a bit of a scuffle um outside and basically she pulled out probably uh it was it was actually more of an apple corer

uh sort of you know those ones that kind of jagged and curved with a hole she pulled out an apple corer from nowhere and stabbed me in the stomach. And it was just like, in that moment, like, my life was flashing before my eyes. You know, thinking back to gumming my soft, sensitive gums as a baby with a frozen lamb chop. To mum making me my first lamb roast when I was five. And in that moment I realised, with an apple core just kind of sticking out of my my stomach I was like this isn't the life that I want to have and that was the last time I ever dealt uh Marlene got uh 10 uh days in prison which was I think was weirdly short for stabbing someone and uh i've never looked back

then i applied for the job at the gift shop and uh yeah the only scar i have is is a physical one and all the other ones are kind of fading away you know who else has got a scar harry potter Harry Potter I never thought of it that way that's so special obviously his is a facial scar so probably more unsightly than mine mine's just on the stomach mine is a lot larger as well

but it is weirdly does look like a lightning bolt even though it was done with an apple corer she she kind of um she she pulled down on it so uh it wasn't just like a just like a hole she kind of she tried yeah she really got in there um and also the the surgeons were quite i don't know if they were actually like professionals, so when they were stitching me up, I think they kind of accidentally tore more of the stomach and the skin,

so they had to sew it back up in a kind of weird way, so it sort of does look like a giant lightning bolt, because it kind of became a bigger scar than what the original injury was, so yeah, I probably should have gone to a real hospital. £79 a year in return for unlimited next day delivery and the Amazon Prime TV streaming service seems like a good deal. But the question remains, will I actually use it enough to make it worthwhile? While many New Zealanders like Jessica are turning their back on dealing, every day new planes land from Auckland and Wellington,

bringing with them new meat, new blood. Most of them not giving a second thought to the effect their dealing could have. When I got Claire home that night, I tried to give her a stern talking to, but she wasn't listening to anyone anymore. She had no idea what was happening. So I phoned a friend of mine, local doctor,

and he said there was only one thing for it. So I went down to the DIY shop down the street and found the heaviest duty tape they had and brought it home, sent Claire up to her room and taped up her bedroom door using wheel after wheel of that heavy duty tape until not a soul could ever hope to get in or out of that room ever again.

The long-term effect of this has been that I've still got the restaurant going, but I've sold over the majority of the restaurant to Brett. I've had to. I've had to move out the family home. She's got all that now. I'm living in a caravan. Well, I say caravan, it's more of a caravanette. In a park, car park. My big fear is that one day Brett will come knocking on the door of the caravanette and he'll have in his hand a Tupperware container which has got maybe a roast

lamb, maybe swimming in mint sauce there, light little globules of fat there mixed with the gravy and he'd be knocking on the door and he won't get an answer because I'll be dead. I'll be sitting slumped, wearing a bathrobe, my ex-wife's bathrobe, which is a bit short, doesn't cover many of the important parts, with the remnants of the mint sauce from the last lamb dish. It'll just be a horrible way to go i think and it's all down to lamb luckily for some the future is bright i know it's cheesy but i'm excited i'm excited for my future i think um i'm on this path where I'm getting to know who I am as a person without lamb.

And, um, sorry. Sorry. I'll just take this call. Sorry. It's important. Hello? Hi. No, yeah, no, no, no, it's fine.

Yeah. hi no yeah no no no it's fine yeah are you kidding are you oh my god no martin it's no this is amazing this is a thank you thank you so much thank you so much i honestly can't i can't tell you how much this means to me anyway yeah I am I'll see you tomorrow um and uh have that costume ready okay okay bye Martin see ya Oh my god. Oh my god. Sorry. That was work.

I got a promotion. I just got a promotion. You are now looking or listening to the new Hagrid of the King's Cross St. Pancras Harry Potter gift shop. So you'll be dressed as Hagrid? Yeah, I'm going to be dressed as Hagrid. So I applied be dressed as I'm gonna be dressed as Hagrid so I applied for the position I honestly didn't think I'd get it but they kind of just they said on the phone that they just they knew that I was I was the right choice because I was so passionate about it and um so yeah I'm I'm being promoted from a photographer to being a Hagrid lookalike uh in the pictures we would take

pictures with I'm sorry I'm just so excited this is so great I do have to take a pay cut though he did say that it's a less money but the opportunities are just endless so that's amazing I can't believe this he just texted he just texted me he just texted me a picture of Hagrid but with my my my id badge photo photoshopped into the into the face it's so funny oh my god oh god and that's that's the weirdest thing you being here doing this interview because it's not that couldn't have happened if I was still on the lam so many things wouldn't have happened had I not given up I just the weird thing is I feel like a lamb chop right now because I feel so

I feel wired I feel crazy I could I could I could murder I could fucking murder a lamb chop right now but I want and that's kind of the point it's kind of the point maybe well I've got one in the deep freeze i could i could probably get that out to defrost no you know what though it is a special occasion so i think that's fine that would you would you want one well no no okay no no no no no yeah i'm making a documentary about i was problems that are associated with the thing is I was kidding I was joking

no I'm not going to do that I do have to go get something really quickly out of the freezer but I no sorry I probably actually have to I've got some stuff to do today so if you

you could just you know the way out of the building. Yeah. Thanks. No worries. No worries. Are you sure you don't want...? No. Cool.

That's cool. Thanks to Rose Matafayo, Tom Neenan, Nigel Kroll, Tom Crowley, and Jesse Thorne. And if you enjoyed that episode, why not leave us a review on iTunes or tell a friend? I'm Barbara Gray. I'm Brandi Posey. And I'm Tess Barker. We're Lady to Lady. Do you want a sleepover in your ears?

Is that a friend in your pocket or are you just podcast to see me? We're a portable hangout you can bring to the gym, on the subway, or on an oil rig. Seriously, we have listeners who do that. Chill with us while we get high with Margaret Cho. Talk showgirls with Katya from Drag Race. And hear Broadway star Anthony Rapp sing Hamilton. I am not throwing away my shot. I am not throwing away my shot.

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