Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 21 - The Church Of Eli

Episode Date: March 20, 2017

Ed Gamble, Mike Bubbins and John Rutledge join in for this episode which features an interview with Phillip Seastram, formerly of the Food Standards Agency, and Eli Roberts, who has started a new venture. By Benjamin Partridge, Ed Gamble, Mike Bubbins and John Rutledge. It’s the MaxFunDrive pledge drive! To support to the podcast, visit www.maximumfun.org/donate.   Music: “Waves Of Intensity” “Light Touch” “Pink Gradient” Podington Bear soundofpicture.com   Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com  

The Beef and Dairy Network is sponsored by Moo-Ease XL, the new bovine pacification lozenge from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. With its mix of aloe vera, Korean ginseng, and locally sourced street smack, Moo-Ease XL will calm even the most rambunctious of herds until they're totally zonk busters. For 10% off your next order, simply bring me some more Moo-Ease. Please, I need it. I need it so bad. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. The number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by new Mooey's XL bovine pacification lozenges. Stay tuned for the beef forecast and the milk prices, but first, this week here at Beef and Dairy HQ, we received a phone call from the office of Philip Seastrom, who was previously interviewed on this podcast when, as part of his work at the Food Standards Agency, he was instrumental in shutting down the horrific slaughterhouse of slaughterman Eli Roberts. Such were the scenes of horror that Philip witnessed at the slaughterhouse, he took the rare step of burning the premises to the ground, an action which cemented him as one of the most exciting young case officers working at the agency. The phone call informed us that Philip had further news about Eli Roberts. However, when we received that phone call, it wasn't from the Food Standards Agency. It was from Animal Welfare. Hello, I'm Philip Seastrom. I used to work for the Food Standards Agency and now I work at Animal Welfare. I started by asking, what was going on?

So when I got a call from your secretary, Philip, I was very surprised to learn that you're now working for Animal Welfare. And I was surprised because I don't think I've ever spoken to anyone before who more embodies the world of the Food Standards Agency. Well, that's very kind of you to say. Your hands were always washed. You're never holding a raw chicken breast in your hand never i would say i've never touched i've never touched raw chicken things were going so well for you at the food standards agency i believe you were given the food standards agency's equivalent of a medal of honor the golden baguette yes a lot of people were talking about me eventually being in charge of the food standards agency and what happened then i mean why aren't you there now well uh as you know i went through some

some traumatic experiences whilst i was there i thought i was fine and then all the images started flashing in my head i couldn't really sleep so i just had to i had to hand in my notice and hand in the golden baguette sadly you're saying that the sort of the psychological impact of your of your former dealings with Eli Roberts is what caused your downfall at the food standards agency very much so honestly every time anyone brought it up in the office I'd have to go to the toilet and be physically sick but you're a hero well that was part of it I think just the pressure of being a hero and the absolute trauma still floating around in my mind. I just needed to get away from it

because it was difficult being physically sick, you know, nine, 12 times a day. Especially when the whole object of the Food Suns, is to minimize the amount of germs being around the place. Well, exactly. And you know what I'm like. If there's any vomit in the area, I'm going to have to give it a full scrub down.

So the majority of my working day was being sick and then making sure everything was squeaky clean and then immediately being sick on top of that again. You called me and you asked to come on the show and I'm really happy to host you here. Thank you. And the reason you did that is because you have more news about Eli Roberts. I do. So what has happened now? Unfortunately, I do. So what has happened now? Unfortunately, my first job working for animal welfare, Eli Roberts was the first criminal that I stumbled across.

We raided Mosquito Mayhem, a mosquito-only zoo. And lo and behold, it turns out that Eli Roberts was the proprietor of this absolutely disgusting venture. We actually interviewed Eli Roberts on the show about Mosquito Mayhem. It raised certain concerns here in the office, but to be honest, it felt like he'd turned over a new leaf and that he was doing something positive with his life. Well, if you think a mosquito-only zoo is positive, I think you have to examine your own ethics,

because what's positive for the mosquitoes let's say that i wanted to start my own mosquito only zoo please don't how would i design it in such a way that the mosquitoes within the zoo would be happy and healthy do you need to stimulate a mosquito well of course every every living thing needs stimulation. So you could perhaps show some films. I mean, they can't really follow a plot, as far as I know. You can't go to Art House, so maybe an Adam Sandler film or something. You could pop that on a loop. I mean, we've not looked into it, but I feel fairly confident saying that

Adam Sandler would be a Mosquito's favourite actor. Let's talk about the raid itself. I know it's probably a bit traumatic, but if I can take you back, the spectre hangs over this whole event is the fact that the man at the centre of this is the same man who was behind the slaughterhouse that you so successfully burnt down, but that left deep, traumatic mental scars on your psyche? Well, this is when everything started to go wrong with me. I'd maintained quite a meditative state approaching mosquito mayhem.

And then as soon as I saw him, that all went out the window. We kicked down the door. There he was. I did not expect him to be fully naked. And as if that wasn't enough, once you sort of tear your eyes away from the junk and look down at his hand, he was holding what I can only describe as a sword.

A sword? A sword, yeah. Absolutely terrifying. Throughout the remaining altercation, he referred to his sword as Bertha, which, whilst also terrifying, made the situation even more unsettling. So he'd actually named the sword with a woman's name? With a woman's name. So even though I was scared that he was going to use the sword on me,

I was also thinking, ooh, who's he named that after? But it's his mum who's dead, but he still talks to her. And how did he use this sword? He started swinging it around his head and garbling some mad nonsense, like he was speaking in tongues, and call me mad, but there was something about what he was saying that the mosquitoes were responding to. How were they responding? Well, they were circling around him, and then two distinct groups flew around the side of us and converged on us.

He'd essentially formed a mosquito army. So what happened to Eli Roberts? Well, he disappeared. me so what happened to eli roberts well he disappeared uh we did not manage to take him into custody uh once the cloud of mosquitoes had cleared he's he'd gone vanished like a magic trick like a magic trick when you and your colleagues at animal warfare look back on on the raid and you evaluate will you see it as a success, as a failure? I think the only way really to describe it is as a failure. We went in there to save these mosquitoes

and we went in there to hopefully apprehend Eli Roberts. He's nowhere to be found. And a lot of mosquitoes died that day. And we're going to have to look at the way we conduct raids from now on, or indeed whether we should be spending so much time looking after mosquitoes. That's up for grabs as a concept. Well, we've spent almost £900,000 on mosquitoes in the last six months, and there's a lot of angry people.

They don't think we should be dedicating so much of our funding and so much of our time to mosquitoes when horses are being kicked every day. I saw a boy throw a frog against a building. You know, we should probably be concentrating on stopping that sort of thing happening is that something you agree with the frog no i don't for one second believe that you agree with a boy throwing a frog against a building but i wonder whether you agree with the point of view that says

you're spending too much time and money on these small invertebrates like mosquitoes and you should be spending more time stopping that boy throwing a frog against the wall of course there's nothing good about a boy throwing a frog against a wall i saw an old man kick a kick a goose square and square in the mouth i've those things, but that's one animal that's happening too. Think of how many thousands of mosquitoes are simply with quantity, the sheer quantity of mosquitoes. Surely we should be dedicating proportionally that much more money to the mosquito cause. Yes, I feel bad about that goose getting kicked in the mouth. Yes, I feel bad about the frog against the building. No, I don't think that cats should be dressed up like pilots and then thrown off the

top of skyscrapers no i don't think that but when people are doing that to thousands of cats come and find me i'll be at my office so do you know what eli is doing now obviously he escaped um behind the cloud of mosquitoes do you have any sense of what's going on with him well uh yes we do have an idea we've we've managed to track him down uh he's moved away from the world of mosquitoes and i'm sorry to say he's actually moved on to the uh to the world of people it's a religion some people are calling it a cult. What I would say about seeing Eli with the mosquitoes, he had such a huge amount of control over them. He was such a powerful presence that I think he was rehearsing.

I think he was rehearsing for his big plan, which is to control people. What do you know about this religion? Have you got any information? Well, it's called the Church of Eli, which would suggest that the figurehead that the church is based around is Eli Roberts. The Jesus-type figure is a bull.

There's a bull, I believe, called Malcolm, who Eli tried to kill a fair few times. That's as much as I know but the fact it's called the church of Eli would suggest that it is quite it's a vanity project so many people have um throughout history have found religion and actually become better people as a result and and do you think this this this could not be the case with Eli this could be a positive step for him well no I don't think it's a positive step at all because he's preying on the vulnerable.

It's who he's finding, the homeless, the recently bereaved, the former drug addicts, people who watch Formula One all the time. These are the sorts of people that he's preying on. The Beef and Dairy Network is an investigatory, campaigning, journalistic organization and i'm thinking i've got to get down there yeah i've got to get i've got to go and see the church of eli for myself do you think that's a good idea i would say don't go there uh having been to two former eli roberts institutions myself, I will never be the same again. So if you want to go down there, by all means, it's a free country.

But what you see there may irreparably change you. With Philip's warnings ringing in my ears, I decided to contact Eli. He wouldn't speak on the phone, but invited me to visit the compound from where he runs his new church, the Church of Eli. I began by asking him for his side of the mosquito mayhem story. I'll be very honest with you, it is a very sore subject. Unfortunately, there's been much weight in the gnashing of teeth, but mosquito mayhem, I'm afraid, is no more. I am, I'm afraid, is no more. The man, as the young kids say, the government,

deemed it that it was, well, not just a health and safety risk, so much as lethal. Right. You say lethal, were there any actual fatalities? We had an 85% mortality rate, which, you know, you can spin that around and say that's a bad thing. I would say that it's a 15% survival rate, you know, and if that was a natural disaster, you know. The main difference being, though, that in a natural disaster,

you don't tend to pay and to experience it. Well, no, they don't, but by the same token, when you sign up for Marseille to Mayhem, you knew who you were signing up for, you know? I mean, the newsletter was there for all to read, and for you. Very long story short, they got the legal bodge

involved, and I was not, I just couldn't be bothered to go through all that process of, you know, courts and funerals and post-mortems and all that nonsense. It's much easier to cut your losses in that situation. Walk away from it with your head held high and just move on. Did you feel any sense of failure when Mosquito Mayhem had to close?

No, none of us like this. I've never had any truck with the F word. I've never considered myself to be a failure, you know, because I've always got back up. Eli's always dusted himself off. You know? So you would describe Mosquito Mayhem

as a success? It's a rung, it's a rung in the ladder that I've climbed. Right. It's a rung to where I want to be in life. Well, you're...

I could have not done it, yeah. I could have not done it and I could have saved hundreds of lives. But who's to say that'll be a better course of action? You? Who's made you boss? Yes, there was people coming to me crying and,

oh, I've lost my children, I've lost my grandparents, I've lost my wife. And I think that process has helped to forge a shield. I think an Eli who never opened Mosquito Mayhem would have been a weaker weaker eli it's a kind of case of um what doesn't kill you makes you stronger than it was exactly that although it did kill you know well it didn't kill me you know do you know what it was that that you were spending a lot of time at mosquito may Mayhem yourself every day for a period of a few months.

Yes. And as far as I know, you didn't get any of the diseases that the mosquitoes could carry. No. Yet, you know, people would come and visit for maybe 20 minutes, half an hour, and would leave and then later succumb to malaria. Yeah. Why do you think that was?

This was part of, I think it was the first step on my spiritual journey was the whole of Mosquito Mayhem, was the hula mosquito aim. Why was I spared? What was my higher purpose? Why was I put on this earth? There must be a reason why all these lies here. And I think as people were dropping around me like flies, and I was, if anything, getting stronger and richer and wealthier and thriving,

I thought, hello, there's a reason for this. So you think that the reason that you didn't succumb to any of the illnesses that many of your customers did is because there's some kind of higher purpose that you have yet to fulfill? I can't think of any other reason why it would be the case. I mean, I was out there in my underwear sometimes. I'd be out there with my wife friends and there'd be people there screaming and shouting

and screaming blue murder. I was out there in my underwear and I was absolutely fine. And I just thought why is this? Is this some sort of forge? Am I being forged? Am I being made stronger? Am I being tempered

like a like a sword like a fine old-fashioned broad sword is eli being hardened brought to a fine edge like a samurai well any sword samurai so pick a sword like one of them the good ones the sharp ones but not there were not these bloody ones in the Olympics these days with the ball on the end I mean the old fashioned you know actually sticking through

your throat like you know what I mean never mind this pad bzzz oh you're out bzzz oh you're out no no

that's not fencing fencing should be a battle to the death you're a big fencer I've hit people with a sword many many times you know there was no no mats involved You're a big fencer? I've hit people with a sword many, many times. There was no mats involved and fancy electronic gizmos.

But yeah, if you hit someone very hard with a heavy sword in the back of the knees, they will go down like a pack of cards. More from that interview after the beef forecast. Big, fatty, wobbling lumps of beef sweep in from the south, while piping hot mince batters the north and west. Expect fewer surprise meat buffets and an absolute torrent of meat juices as winter turns to spring. And as always, put beef in a paella at your peril.

And the milk prices. Curds and whey are at their biggest ratio of discrepancy since the Second World War, with one gram of curds only buying you 0.3 grams of whey. Keep checking the website for more as that develops. Elsewhere, hard cheeses are rising, while cottage and feta are continuing to flag. And for the first time, represented on the index are estimated black market rates, and as many expected, backstreet yard milk is flourishing, with direct from the udder drinking

floating at around 40 cents for a minute of on-your-knees guzzling. Now back to our interview with Eli Roberts. So whatever the rights or wrongs of it were, Mosquito Mayhem is now an old chapter in your life. I've turned a page, yeah. Yeah. And you've brought me here to what you call your compound. Yes.

Where I believe you've started a church. Is that right? Well, we touched upon it, didn't we? I mean, what is this higher purpose that all your life's been preserved for? I've come to the conclusion, there's only one explanation for it, and that is that I am chosen. Right. I am a chosen person.

I have a special duty to fulfill my prophecy, which is to help people in this life and help them on the way to the next uh like i did for so many animals over the years and well and and families uh and mosquito mayhem but um yeah this is the compound this is not far from the original site of mosquito mayhem this is all made by me and and uh i call them um the persuasion the persuasion the persuasion. The persuasion? The persuasion, yeah, they're my followers. So these are the members of the church? The surviving ones, yeah. So how long have you been running this?

Because Mosquito Mayhem closed down in the past six weeks or so? Yeah, so about five and a half weeks ago I started. And you've already got a number of congregation? The persuasion. You've got eight, yeah. Right. Yeah, there was eight left. I mean, there was 12, twelve but I mean four of them

you know I just want to unpack this a bit because I'm not really fully understanding the set up of this religion so no it's very new isn't it it is new

and I wonder if you could take me through it so most religions have a kind of deity that they worship or yes so you have a deity

like this well it's not as deity as such I had a bull called Malcolm? Well, it's not a deity as such. I had a bull called Malcolm back in the day. I love a bull, mind you. In his time, you know, very prolific breeder. And when his time came, everyone's time comes. You know, bull, human, squirrel, whatever you might be.

You know, I had such respect for Malcolm that I decided to kill him with my bare hands. Did you give that honour to many animals? No, only Malcolm. I mean, usually I stick him on a belt, you know, and there's a bolt in the end and the job's done. But I mean,

with Malcolm, I had too much respect for him. So I tried to strangle him, first of all. Very, very big neck on a bull, I mean. I used a bit of rope and like a tourniquet,

like I made it with a cricket bat. He wouldn't have it. He just kept oh he's mmm mmm just bucking around you know

so strangling wouldn't work. Then I tried I tried to hit him over the head with Old Bertha. Your antique sword? Yeah the flat side of it.

I thought I'd catch him on a temple but yeah no. Nothing. Didn't even flinch. Eventually, long story short, 11 attempts later, I tried everything. I electrocuted him.

I tried to have a bolt gun. I tried stabbing him, cut his throat. I tried to drown him down the local baths. He just ran out the shallow end, moving. I hit him with a tractor. I buried him alive. I walked on a train track. She got smacked by a train. I hit the city at him.

125 miles an hour, not a problem. I chucked him off the top of a car park. I tried everything with him. Absolutely everything. You name it, I tried it. In the end, I just thought, oh, look at him. 11 times I've tried. This is God trying to tell me something here now.

So you think that Malcolm is some sort of special god-like? I think he was preserved for a special purpose, just as I was. A channel, a conduit for something higher, if you will. And after 11th time of trying to kill him, I thought, hello, this is something special here. And I was up close to him and I could, you know, I looked at him and there's one good eye that was left, you know, and through the scar tissue,

I could see that he was smiling. I thought, he knows something I don't know, this boy. He knows something I don't know. And he was in out of his state by this point, man. I mean, he was, he was just basically almost on like a, not so much, almost like a sledge.

It was, it was, it was two pallets from a forklift truck that I'd lashed together and he was just on there. And he looked up at me as if to say, Oh, I think we're both here for a special reason, Eli. You know, but,

but he was taking up time to my time and, you know, I couldn't keep him alive. I had a big appetite on him. So I had a tremendous respect for him at that point. And I gave him some bleach to drink and that did it. That did the trick at the end.

More from that interview after this. Hello, Benjamin Partridge here. I make the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, to which you are listening. This podcast is part of the Maximum Fun Podcast Network, and that's why at the end of the podcast it does this. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. One of the things I really like about Maximum Fun

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I don't want your money. So there we go. Thanks for listening to that. I hope you're enjoying the episode. Here's the rest of it. I tried to do a bit of research about your church. Right. And you've only been going for five weeks.

Five and a half. Yeah, there isn't that much out there. But I did find a website from the husband of one of your congregation, Julie. Oh, yeah. Julie Atkins. Lovely Julie, yeah, yeah. Who has disappeared, or he seems yeah. Julia Atkins. Lovely Julia, yeah. Who has disappeared or he's, he seems to think she's disappeared. He hasn't seen her. Oh, she's dead, that's why. Well, that was going

to be my question. Well, yeah, she is dead. Well, if you'd asked me, I'd have told him. Saved him all the hard work. When he phoned me up. Are you like, I haven't seen Julie? Oh yeah, she's dead, mate. he phoned me up are you lying haven't seen Julie oh yeah she's dead mate job done well I will

pass this on to him right but he will have questions I imagine as to sort of how and why she died

very simple I mean how was it I tied we tied her legs to one tractor tied her arms to another tractor

we drove in the opposite direction. She died. And was this... So would you have, so would he have, so would anyone have. Yeah, of course. But was this a ritual? Was this to do...

Did she want this to happen? She was very faithful. She was one of the earliest members of the persuasion. And she felt she had an inner strength. And she wanted to test it. So I said, all right, well, I've got two tractors at the back there. I've got a Massey Ferguson and a Ford. We'll tie your ankles to one and the wrist to the other

and test your inner strength and see how strong you are. And is that a test that she failed then? Well, you say she failed. I mean, the wheel was spinning on the Massey for about 30 seconds. So I would say, you know, she did have strength. But she proved a valuable lesson to us all. You can have as much strength as you like.

But at the end of the day, God is stronger. And if Mr. Atkins, you know david that phoned me up and said what's going on and he said well come have a look man bring the kids can i be honest yeah knowing what i know about julie and what happened to her it doesn't seem like um like something i'd want to join especially Especially because you've told me that you originally had 12 congregation members and now you're down to eight. Am I to assume that that deficit of four is accounted for by the kind of things that happened to Judy?

Yeah, not the same thing, but similar things, yeah. Tests. Tests. Yeah. At that moment, the interview was interrupted by a knock on the door of the compound and Eli let in a small man who introduced himself as Barry Yvonne. Barry had been in correspondence with Eli after seeing one of the handmade paper flyers Eli had strewn across local parkland.

So is this your first time at the compound? It's the first time that I've met Eli face to face. A bit nervous, you know, quite excited. But it's a form of awakening and I think I'm ready for this now. I'd only spoken to him for a couple of minutes, but it was obvious to me that Barry was a vulnerable individual. I had my own cult, my own following, my own sort of church for a while, which was called the Covenant of the Taken. Roeddwn i'n cwmio fy hun o'r eglwys am bryd, a oedd yn enwad y Covenant y Teged.

Ac yr hyn y byddaf yn ei wneud i'r cyfarwydd yw gweld pobl, eu cydnabu, a'u cymryd i fy mhrofiad, ac rydych chi'n eu gwylio'u llwythyn ac yn eu cymryd i'r siarad am wyth o ddwy. Ac rydych chi'n ystyried bod 5 neu 6 o bobl eraill. Felly byddaf yn Americân, yn Americân hyfforddiol. Byddaf yn dyn Scots nesaf. So I'd be an American, a friendly American. I'd be a nervous Scottish man. Different characters to sort of break that person. And sometimes I'd make them feel happy or sad or there was a chance of escaping. I'd tie them up, put them in a car, drive them around the block seven or eight times and just drop them off. And I felt by doing that, I was giving people a chance to be reborn.

But it's interesting that you've gone from someone who is in charge of a movement. A following. Of your own. Right. And now you've decided that you'd like to be on the other end of that. Yeah, there's an old saying that goes, the hunter becomes the hunted. And I think this is something that if it works properly will give me the opportunity to work hand in hand with Eli.

And I think that if I can prove myself, I can work my way up the ranks. And eventually we can both hold hands together on the altar. While I spoke to Barry, Eli went to another part of the compound where he told us he would commune with the spirit of Malcolm in order to determine what Barry's test should be. When he returned, he told us that Barry

would have to go outside to the central courtyard and submerge his head in urine. Basically, I'm going to fill a tank up with urine now, the feeding trough. We're going to put Barry in there. And I think what Malcolm wants you to do, just to test if you're right, Jess, is you have to stay in there for at least a minute. So, Barry, this is the first time we've heard what's going to happen to you. You're going to have to try and immerse yourself under a trough full of animal urine. Is it animal urine?

Whatever you find. I mean, I've got a tank up there, which is full of it anyway. It's a mixture, if I'm honest. It's some of the persuasions, some from the animals, some from, you know. Great, so you're going to be immersed in that. How do you feel?

I'm psyched up and I'm ready. I think the last thing I went through like this was the time that I cooked two jacket potatoes and put them in a bra and put it on just to see how much pain it could take. Dwi'n meddwl mai'r olaf beth dwi wedi mynd drwyddo fel hyn oedd y pryd i fi bwydo dau bwtetau o'r jack a'u rhoi mewn brar i'w roi arno i weld pa mor o ofn i mi ei wneud. Felly dwi'n meddwl bod hyn yn ddod yn y cyfeiriad cywir. Dwi'n barod. Iawn, felly dyma ni. Iawn, dyma ni.

Dwi wedi cychwyn y falfiau nawr, a'i gael i'r urin ddod i lawr o'r tanc ffid graffid. Dyma ni. Iawn, mae'n dod yn gyflym iawn nawr. Fel y dywedais, dyna'r uren am y 5.5 wythnosau o'r 12 o'r arferol, a mi a Marjorie, yn ymgysylltu â phobl o ddynion ffermioedd, y rhan fwyaf ohonynt, sydd ddim gyda ni. Mae'n rhaid i ni ddod o hyd i amser. Mae'r amonia yn llawn, mae'n in quite some time. There's a very, very strong smell of ammonia. It's perfectly natural, that is. We're going to fill the trough up and then when we get to a certain stage, we're just going to throw Barry in there.

So Barry, you're watching the ewan going in. Quite a strong smell. There's a bit of kickback off of that. How are you feeling? Yeah, I think I'm ready for it. I'm ready to take it on. It's stronger than I thought and there's a lot of steam coming off, which hopefully means there's a lot more warmth in there Rwy'n meddwl y byddaf yn barod i'w ddefnyddio. Mae'n fwy gwahanol na'r ysgol i'w ddefnyddio. Mae llawer o ddyn yn dod allan, sy'n golygu bod llawer mwy o gwrth yn y fan honno na'r ysgol i'w ddysgu. Beth oes gennyf ni yno?

Iawn. Rydyn ni'n mynd i ddew'r farel arno nawr. O, mae'n rhywbeth uchel o fyny. Rydyn ni'n mynd i fyny dros y top nawr. Rydyn ni'n mynd i fynd dros y top. A ydych chi'n rhaid i mi ffwrddio eich hun neu beth cyn mynd i ffwrddio? Na, na, na. Mae'n rhaid i chi ddod â'ch dŵr neu beth? Na, na, na, na. Nid hynny.

OK. Ydych chi'n barod? Gadaelwch yno nawr. Gadaelwch. O, mae'r holl dŵr yma. Gadaelwch ei ddod i lawr. Stay down there now Don't fight it don't fight it. Oh There we are lovely keep going now I'm really quiet now that's the the life force and the death force

in that age-old struggle with each other let's keep them down you know another 10 seconds Nanggung He faced death eleven times and now come At the twelfth attempt Eli took his life home Hit by a train Stan will solve electrocuted He's the one we adore

Malcolm Malcolm Malachi Malachi go Rebirth! Rebirth! Well done. Rebirth! Feel alive. Well done.

Traditionally, I would moo to you, and you moo back. Yeah. Ready? Yeah. Moo. Moo. Barry had been successful in his test, and as he stood there, tepid urine dripping from his face,

trading moos with Eli, it made me reconsider the value of what Eli has created. It was clear from his bright, piss-drenched face that this ceremony had given Barry a sense of purpose, a feeling of rebirth and belonging. Where do you see the future of the church going? You've currently got the eight congregation members. That's probably going to go down to about six or seven by the end of the week. You've got some more tests coming?

We've got a couple of tests this weekend now. And if the previous tests are ready to go by, we're looking at about 70% failure rate. So we'll be down by one or two by the end of the week, tests or anything to go by, we're looking at about 70% failure rate. So, we'll be done by one or two by the end of the week and then we'll have a recruiting drive then.

When you think about what you've achieved so far and what you stand to achieve in the future, what would Malcolm make of it if Malcolm was still here? Oh, bloody old,

dear old Malcolm. Oh, do you know what, there's not a day, there's not a single second Goes past I don't think of Malcolm I'm thinking of him right now

I can see him now Up on his rear legs there Mounting a lucky heifer What a fantastic beast he was I think he'd look And he'd think A fair play to Eli Oh boy

You know You bested me and you have nothing but love and respect for me admiration if you could speak to Malcolm what would you say?

well you say if I do is the honest answer I've got a Ouija board and I quite often put the cup on there and let Malcolm speak to me. I can just, em, oh, oh, mmm. And I speak back to him in his own language, speaking in tongues, which is ironic because he didn't have a tongue

in the end. He was happy to go at that point. I pulled here for two things. One is doing that, two is moving. And by his final days, I mean, I pulled his genitals off by that point and his tongue had dissolved so I mean he was happy enough to shuffle off A big thanks to Eli for that interview and if anyone is interested in joining the church simply turn up at the compound

with your bank details May the spirit of Malcolm look down upon you from above and anoint you with his sacred bull musk. I offer myself to you, Malcolm. O holy Taurus, douse me in your essence every day. So that's all we've got time for this month. If you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you can find all the usual stuff,

as well as a gallery of the 20 best photographs of Malcolm and a print-at-home Malcolm face mask. Also, if you use a music streaming service, we've put together a playlist, which is perfect for putting on while you think about Malcolm. So, until next month, beef out! Thanks to Ed Gamble, Mike Bubbins and John Rutledge. Thanks for listening to that episode of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast.

As I said before, this is MaxFunDrive week, although it's two weeks. MaxFunDrive2weeks, where we are trying to get as many donations as possible in for the network to keep all this stuff going. So, as I said, this only happens once a year, so you only have to listen to this. I won't do this again until 2018 if we get there. If you would like to donate to the podcast and to the network and to help us keep going, please go to MaximumFun.org and click on donate and have a look at the range of gifts and things you get if you do so. It's brilliant. Secondly, if you already donate to the network, and I know so many of you do, I just want to say a huge thank you you make this happen so a huge thank you to you guys thirdly i know loads of you um won't want to or don't or can't aren't in a position to donate and that is totally fine and i'm just very pleased you're listening um if you want to support the podcast in a non-non-monetary

fashion just tell a friend just tell a friend someone you think you might enjoy it and say, hey, there's this podcast about the beef. It's fictional, but it's about the beef and dairy network. It's about a beef and dairy network. It's fictional. It's about the beef and dairy industries. It's not really about the, it's about like an imagined version of the, you know, it's hard to, I know it's hard to describe, but if you've got a friend who would enjoy it, please let them know. And another great thing you can do to help us is to leave a review on itunes um which helps people discover the podcast so if you want to do that please do that if you've got any questions about the max fund drive or donating or becoming a subscriber or anything like that please uh don't hesitate to get in touch you can twitter us um tweet us at at beef and dairy or you can always send an email that uh beef and dairy

network at gmail.com i think is the email address oh maybe it's beef and dairy let me just check um that shows how many emails we get i.e never any there we go beef and dairy network at gmail.com so if you've got any questions, please get in contact. Or even if you just want to get in contact, I love getting an email. Who doesn't love getting an email that isn't from LinkedIn? So there we go.

That's the end of this Max Fund Drive episode. As I said, I won't ask you for money. I won't ask you for money again for another year. But if you would like to give money, it means I can concentrate and put some time aside to make this show the best it can be. And I love doing it and I hope you love listening. And if you do, then God bless you. And if you don't believe in God, then may the spirit of humanism embrace you.

the spirit of humanism embrace you. And if you're kind of skeptical about that sort of front-footed atheism, then, you know, thanks. Oh God, I'm going to get emails now. So there we go. As I said, this happens once a year. I won't beg you for money again. I promise.

Not for another year. Not until 2018. And who knows if we're going to see that year. You know, who knows if that's going to happen? Bye!