Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 22 – Michael “Frank” Franklinson

Episode Date: April 24, 2017

  Mike Wilmot and Mike Wozniak join in for this episode which features an interview with Canadian entrepreneur Michael “Frank” Franklinson, who has invented a new way to combine beef and dairy. �� By Benjamin Partridge, Mike Wilmot and Mike Wozniak. Thanks to Mark Turetsky.   Music:   “Den” “Alphabet Soup” “Relinquish” Podington Bear soundofpicture.com   Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com    

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Mooey's XL, the new bovine pacification lozenge from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Administer the Mooey's XL directly into your cow's mouths. Or if it's a nice day, why not dissolve the lozenge in fruit juice to create a delicious, relaxing tropical punch. For a free trial lozenge with your next Mitchell's order, just scream. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just, in the production of beef animals and dairy

herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine, brought to you by new Mooey's XL bovine pacification lozenges. Here on the podcast, we speak to many people who produce or work with beef, and all sorts of people who produce or work with dairy. But it's rare that someone brings these two fields together. In fact, we haven't interviewed anyone doing this since our interview in 2005 with Philip Bontempe, whose beef ice cream firm, Bontempe's Beef Ices, was about to be floated on the New York Stock Exchange. I just knew that the best way to get through a hot day was to cool down with a pint or two of beef ice cream.

Of course, the story of Bon Tempe's beef ices since that time is well known. The corruption, the creative accounting, and the discovery of the fraudulent Beef Lollies scheme, which led to the company's bankruptcy and dizzying collapse, which ultimately kicked off the 2008 global financial crisis. As for Philip Bontempe, he faked his own death in 2014, only to be discovered weeks later, working in the cafe at a garden centre. He then faked his own death again,

before being spotted working at the same cafe at the same garden centre. He then actually died in 2016, but everyone thought he'd faked it again, until months later when his body was found drowned inside a huge industrial mixer that he had fallen into whilst trying to create a new beef-infused creme fraiche. The story has led some to suggest that the mixture of beef and dairy is in some way cursed, bringing only ruin to those who attempt to create such a product. However, someone who is throwing his beef hat into the dairy ring is Canadian entrepreneur Michael Frank Franklinson. This month, Mr Franklinson got in touch to say

that his company, Franklinson's, had found an innovative new way to combine beef and dairy, and that he was coming to the UK to try and get the product stocked in British supermarkets. Over email, he was cagey about what the product actually was, saying only that it was the next big thing and the next sensation. I met him in his London hotel room. I'm Frank Franklinson. I'm from Tisdale, Saskatchewan in Canada. I started by asking Frank about the new product. We're just trying to put together the two things. Meat and dairy always considered two different things, but always next to each other in your supermarket. And we at Franklinson's want to incorporate the both and basically have cheese meat. Cheese meat or meat products that contain dairy products.

For instance, we take the udder from the cows and we fill them full of cheese. And we sew up the one end and it's quite, the kids love to eat out of it. You just hang it, hang it from a hook and you just suck the cheese out of the nipples. And it's God's, it's God's container. So when the animal dies, you slice off the udder. And then do you add the cheese? Or is the cheese the process of the milk inside the udder then? No, we take a processed cheese and we inject it.

The udder is only for the playfulness of the... You can eat the udder. It's quite... It's chewy. Very chewy. But in a fun way. It's kind of in the same realm as the pinata in a way, isn't it? The way you hang it up and the kids go at it.

Yeah, but don't take a swing at it because it looks funny, but it's cruel. Even though the animal is dead, you have to respect it. So the udder itself, that's cooked or you leave it? It's steamed. It also gets all the grease off of it. And because they drag pretty low. Yeah, we steam it. And in that process, in a way, it's almost, it's like a wiener. It's very much like wiener meat or a wiener casing. It's like a thick wiener casing. So how many of these are you selling in Canada? Oh, tons. We love them. We've got thicker skins in Canada. In the prairies,

Christ, we have a ball with them. Once you've sucked all the cheese out, you can fill it to just full of whatever. You know, you got any kind of liquid, jello or anything like that, and you can kick it around the yard. It's a lot of fun. We play hockey with them. What are the national dishes of Canada? Well, the hamburger was invented by a Canadian

and brought to the World's Fair in Chicago in the late 19th century. Back bacon, which is a part of the pig that no one else ate. And we found it. It was clearly on the back. Timbits, which are the holes, the donut holes. We just sell those. So in a way, Canada's got an illustrious history of finding bits of animals and foods that you wouldn't normally necessarily think of eating and then turning those into something that is a national obsession. Yeah, or mixing things that you shouldn't.

For instance, poutine, which is French fried potatoes, cheese curds and gravy all mushed up together. And that's clearly something that fell on the floor. And, you know, a poor Canadian ate it. We do a lot of that. We eat what's under the table. That's an old Canadian saying in French. So in a way, you're just part of a proud tradition. In such a cold country, we eat anything that has a quality shelf life.

Anything that you can eat, because you don't want to go shopping when it's minus 40. You know, so we found that that's where the udders come in. You can have an udder, not even refrigerated. You can just leave it in the corner of your house next to the furnace. And six weeks later, you can still chew on it, and it won't make you sick. Very sick. Yeah. Shelf life.

Craft dinner. A box of craft dinner, I can give to, I'm going to hand it down, like jewelry or something. My great-great-great-great-grandkid could eat a box of craft dinner I buy tomorrow for 99 cents. It's horrible stuff. And the cheese, we use the cheese that they have in the craft dinner because it isn't really cheese.

It's just, it's orange. We buy it in these big crates and it just says orange on the box. People just assume it's cheese. And I guess when it's coming out of an udder, it gives it a kind of dairy feeling. That's what my wife said. Once it passes a cow's teat,

it becomes cheese when it exits. It is, whatever it is, it's cheese. How do you keep the cheese liquidy enough that you can suck it out of another? You have to punch it a lot just to keep it broken up. The first few, well, it got pretty tough. But again, it isn't cheese. It's orange.

When you've given British people the other full of cheese, how have they reacted? So far, I wouldn't say positive, but not negative either. More shocked and a certain heavy disbelief when they poke at it. It's just really from a cow. Where else am I going to get one? What about the United States? I mean, that's the biggest in terms of big markets to try and get into. See, that's why I came to Britain first, because I think once it passes here, once you guys like it, America tends to eat it up.

It happened with Jimi Hendrix. No one liked him. He came here. They liked him. And he went back. And that horrible Cher song, Do You Believe in Life After. That album bombed heavily in America. It was a horrible album.

Her career was literally over. And we were heading off into a bright, Cher-less future. And then you people liked it. And then America liked it. So the hope is that if it takes off in Britain, then you're... I'm on easy street. Because you can classify it. You make it all classy.

Like a thin slice of cow udder with cheese. Like, you know, just, you know, and you could put a butler in the commercial. Because the British butlers, they can sell anything to an American. So the ambassador's here. Shall I get the arrows out? There you go. There you go. I can see them. Yep, yep. We'll get that woman that doubles for the queen in the airplane movies, and we'll have her just sucking on a cow teat. And everyone will just jump on it. Before meeting each other, Frank and I exchanged a number of emails.

And in his replies, he had said that he was here in the UK to sell the product to British retailers and that he had set up meetings with all the major supermarkets. Ahead of my interview with him, our researchers contacted every British supermarket chain and all of them reported that they had not granted Mr. Franklinson a meeting. During a conversation with one of the UK's largest supermarkets, Sainsbury's, their head of public relations told us that we would learn all we needed to know about Mr Franklinson by talking to the manager of a Sainsbury's shop in Wood Green in North London. Hello, my name is Leslie Sunrider. I'm the manager of Wood Green Sainsbury's. Leslie told us that he had met Mr. Franklinson,

although Mr. Franklinson had not contacted the store ahead of his arrival, and to describe it as a meeting would be to stretch the definition of that word. I asked him to describe the encounter. Well, I will never forget it. I mean, it started as an ordinary April day. It was a beautiful morning some of the staff were having a bit of a chuckle because they'd seen a man wandering around in the street outside wearing a scuba diving outfit which is assumed it was a street performer or something

along the lines but then there's a terrible commotion in the frozen food section and i realized that this man has has burst in i couldn't tell what they were. At first, they were dripping and greasy. They stank. And then he began to suck on them. And I thought, this is a very unwell person. We need to get this person help. I thought he was distressed until I realized that actually what I was seeing was a sales pitch.

A sales pitch, the like of which I have never seen. I mean, it was way off the book okay and we had certainly not invited this man to be here he was wearing a scuba outfit which of which he has not explained at any point why he was doing that i mean my theory is that it was just to unsettle people my my wife is kinder she just thinks he's he's very unwell he caused considerable upset this fluid was leaking out of it he was saying it was a natty new way of packaging cheese and he was beating it and he was sucking this stuff it was dripping down his chin it was getting on his neoprene it was making me gag it made me feel physically sick customers were leaving in

their droves there were people deeply upset A very close colleague of mine, the deputy manager, she had her 12-year-old son in on that day for kind of work experience. It was just holiday times. He was helping out. He's a lovely little kid. He was absolutely devastated. He saw this man crawling up the aisles with this thing. He loused it on the floor and then pounced on it because he said it was his more rigid one of the tuna he said it needed a real good beating over to get the cheese out that is a phrase that this 12 year old boy has repeated day in day out he's woken up screaming that I've got to beat the cheese out in the middle of the night

it was clear that Mr. Frankinson's visit had had a profound effect on the customers and staff of the store. Others had leaked and sort of spurted violently into the one of superheated ovens, and at least one of my members' staff received quite a serious cheese burn on her elbow. I asked Frank for his side of the story. They had just opened, and I kicked a couple of them in. The other two I just held on sticks, and I was in my diving outfit. I wore a neoprene diving outfit just because the cheese can get on you,

and it made that frighten up a bit. You know, I'd fall on with the goggles and the whole thing, screaming at the kids, too. I shouldn't have screamed at the children. I like kids, but, you know, they were laughing at the others. And I said, get ready for the next sensation and started sucking the cheese out of the, oh, the screams.

There was some screaming. You know, and, you know, with this new age of terrorism, I don't, I think they might've thought something was up. I spoke to Sainsbury's earlier. Oh. Their description of events is slightly different to yours. Because they say that they never agreed to a meeting with you, that you just turned up. See, this is when they were...

I remember yelling through the window when I was outside later, and they gave me back my undies. I said, that was a meeting. Maybe not an official meeting, but you met me, and I met you, and you saw the product and how it was supposed to be used, and there was no need to phone the police. More from that interview after this. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is in part supported by ZipRecruiter.com. If you want to recruit people for your business and want an easy way to post your job ad to over a hundred job sites and social media with just one click,

ZipRecruiter is the way to do it. Maybe you need a new milkmaid, curd skimmer, udder washer. Well, right now, Beef and Dairy listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free by going to ziprecruiter.com slash beef. That's ziprecruiter.com slash beef. One more time to try it for free. Go to ziprecruiter.com slash beef. Slash beef. Slash beef. In a world where meat was banned, only one man could stand up to the state. Oh my god, they've taken all my meat. Did somebody order beef? Who are you? The name's Beef. Slash Beef.

Oh my god, Slash Beef! That's right, it's me. Slash Beef. Is it procured at a con slash beef? slash beef. Is it procured? I can't slash beef. Before we get back to our big interview, this week we received the following letter. Hello Beef and Dairy Network.

Our daughter Anya Goldfinch turns 14 this week and would be overjoyed with a birthday shout-out on the podcast. Even though she's a schoolgirl, Anya has taken a keen interest in the family dairy farm and loves milking the girls, mixing the disinfectant and using a hose to get the worst of the shite off the milking parlour. Happy birthday to you, little Anya. You're growing up so fast, it won't be long before you can take over the farm and give your father some respite from his fucked legs. Lots of love, mum and dad, nan, grumpy and the dogs, Milo, Jess, Andy, Barbara, Kelvin, Sheridan, Waffle, Geraint, Tippi, Winky and Biff.

We also had this come in on the emails. A big happy birthday to our son, Bobby Chudkins, who turns seven this month. Bobby, we didn't plan to have you, but you've changed our lives fundamentally. And actually, it's not been as bad as we feared. Gavin's actually pulled his weight as a father for the most part, which was a surprise to us all. Lots of love, mum and dad. And if it's your birthday this month, happy birthday. Do you not think that some of your customers who you must come into contact with on a daily basis, you must know them quite well?

Of course. Do you not think that maybe on certain special occasions, for example, a wedding, you know, you've got your chocolate fountain, you've got the big cake you don't normally have. These are kind of one-offs. So next to all that, you could hang up another for the cheese and people could just sort of relax into the evening then. What would that say? I mean, the things you've listed before there, they're all symbolic.

The wedding cake, it's white. The virginity of the bride and groom, we cut into that to break that. And away they go to make a family the chocolate fountain is is a symbol to say we we wish you a profitable life that you are you become wealthy and what would carving into an udder full of orange cheese say we would show this udder this this symbol potentially of nourishment of of of child rearing, and we're saying, yeah, that is dead already. And now we cut into it, and what do we see? We see something that, if disposed in landfill,

will never decay, will never go. So death, but a new death, a permanent state of death, the undead. Happy wedding day. I scared a lot of people in that shop. My mother used to say, Michael, in that tone, she said, think it through. Sit down and give it at least a half hour. I never have yet given anything more than 10 minutes of thought. And this one, I'll tell you right now, just I was laying under the couch,

eating a brick of cheese, and that I should have, should have really, now that I think about it, I should have just, I should have walked it off. But, nope. And I don't know why I went to Britain with the idea. I've never even shown this in Canada. I lied about all that other stuff.

You've been telling me that it's going really well in Canada. Is that not true? No. I like them. I that it's going really well in Canada. Is that not true? No. I like them. I think it's just me. Yeah. Now that I think about it, all this is dumb. I've traveled a long way.

I'm just, what am I doing? Really, what am I doing? I'm just desperate for money, and everything's been invented. So what's the future for Frank VanClench? Clearly, there's no future in it. I mean, this interview alone, and I want to thank you, has opened my eyes up that I might need a little help. I'm going to get some desperately needed help.

And I think this just is, yeah, it's over. What does your wife make of all this? Oh, she left me. She left me when I brought the first few home, because I cut them off myself, and I didn't do a good job of it. Look, I was covered in blood. I had to hold on to two cow udders covered in blood with a big smile on my face, saying,

Honey, do we have any cheese? And that's when she left. Jesus Christ, Frank. You know, I know this trip has not gone maybe as you hoped it would, but if you have got some of them left, the udders you brought over, and if there are people listening

and they're thinking, hey, actually, that sounds really nice. I want to suck some of that Kraft cheese out of an editor. Can they buy them off you? Yes. Yes, you can. I've got two left.

And I'll take 1,400 pounds. For the both. Yeah. 1,400 quid. That's what I'll take that. Because they cost me. With research, development, airplane tickets, we're talking about, I'm in the hole, maybe 20,000.

So if I, yeah, if I get, grand even, and that'll teach me a lesson. Yeah, yeah, grand. A big thanks to Frank Franklinson for that interview. And best of luck to him in shifting those udders. If you're interested in buying them, Frank has since dropped the price to £500 for the pair. He will also accept a payment in legal advice after Sainsbury's decided to sue him for damages regarding £2,000 worth of meat on the meat counter

that he squirted cheese over and ruined. Or enhanced, if you take his point of view. So that's all we've got time for this month. If you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as a special feature in our farming section rounding up this year's top banjo poisons, and our off-topic section,

which this month features your chance to win Facebook membership. That's right. Keep in contact with all your old friends and people you just met once, all in one place, online. See their pictures, videos, and what they have to say about the world. So, until next month, beef out. Thanks to Mark Turetsky, Mike Wilmot and Mike Wozniak.

Also, thanks to you for listening. And also thanks to everyone who donated to Maximum Fun, the network that this podcast is on, last month during their MaxFun drive. Massive thank you to all of you who did that um and as promised i won't mention it again for a whole other year promise also if you happen to be at the comedy festival next weekend we're doing beef and dairy live at the bowling club at 5 45 p.m on the saturday evening that's the 29th of april and that will feature tom neenan who's been on the podcast a number of times and also mike bu Bubbins, a.k.a. Eli Roberts. Get down there. It's definitely the best comedy festival in Mid Wales,

if not the world, genuinely. Hope to see you there. Bye. Are you easily confused by terms like cultural appropriation, cisgender, and woke? Or maybe you find yourself constantly explaining terms like these, and you need a place to vent. Do you have a love for all things pop culture, social commentary, and politics? Sounds like you need Minority Corner! Where you can learn, laugh, and play. Sounds like Blue's Clues!

Only it's more black, gay, and ladylike. James and Anneke will happily administer your weekly dose each and every Friday. You can listen on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Minority Corner. With a K. So the 2017 MaxFunDrive was a huge success. Thank you so much to everyone who joined or upgraded during the drive and to all of our amazing monthly members. To celebrate, we're giving our $10 and higher monthly members the chance to buy additional enamel pins with the profits going to our friends at the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank. What? Yeah. The sale runs April 26th through May 3rd,

and it's your last chance to get your hands on these sweet pins. $10 monthly members should receive a link and a code in their email on April 26th. So keep an eye on your inbox and get your denim jacket ready. For more information, visit MaximumFun.org slash pins. And thank you again. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture.

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