Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 26 - Michael Banyan In Exile

Episode Date: August 20, 2017

Henry Paker and Theresa Thorn join in for this episode, an exclusive interview with Michael Banyan, the former bovine poet laureate who mysteriously disappeared earlier this year.   By Benjamin Partridge and Henry Paker. Thanks to Theresa Thorn.   Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com   Tickets for Beef And Dairy Live in London on 16 Sept 2017: http://bit.ly/beefanddairylive

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Steel Hoof Deluxe, your favorite hoof-strengthening supplement from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Original recipe Steel Hoof was invented back in 1952, when the young Atticus Mitchell accidentally dropped a box of chemicals into a bag of corn and fed it to a horse. The horse exploded, but a new product line was born. For 10% off your order, more than that horse. Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the

Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by Steelhoof Deluxe. This month we have a world exclusive pertaining to the story that's gripped the beef world, the disappearance of the poet Michael Banyan. Banyan vanished on the 22nd of February, three days after he was sacked from his role as the Bovine Poet Laureate, following his delivery of a drunken and foul-mouthed keynote speech at the Bovine Farmers Union Conference. On the 1st of March, Banyan confirmed that he was alive via his Twitter account, and since then has released a relaxation tape in a bid to raise money, but he has been assiduous in his refusal to reveal his whereabouts. His disappearance became front-page news across the world

and also spawned the hit podcast Finding Michael Banyan. There are still so many questions. If he wanted to vanish, why did he send the tweet? Why did he release the relaxation tape? And can we even be sure that it's him who sent the tweet? Is it his voice on the tape? And if it is him, what does that tell us? I'm beginning to think that while, yes, I'm looking for Michael Banyan, maybe the person who's really looking for Michael Banyan is Michael Banyan.

The podcast led to a number of enthusiastic Banyan hunters investigating reported sightings as far flung as the multi-faith prayer room in Las Vegas airport, the summit of Mount Everest, and on a train station platform in Zurich, struggling to eat a giant pretzel through a fake beard. However, none of these leads amounted to anything. Then this month out of nowhere, we received an email from Banyan offering an exclusive interview to promote his new tell-all memoir, Behind the Cow's Face, The Hoof, The Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Hoof Slash Truth. He has confirmed that this is the only interview he will give, and to protect his secret location,

I was met at my house by a hooded figure, blindfolded, heavily sedated, thrown in the back of a helicopter, and I woke up days later in a mystery foreign recording studio. In this incredible interview, Banyan reveals his belief that his life is at risk from the Brovine Farmers Union and how it all began with a phone call from his old friend, Jonathan Franzen. Anyway, I won't say too much. Just listen to this extraordinary interview with Michael Banyan. Michael Banyan, first before we begin, just a huge thank you for choosing the Beef and Dairy Network to be your first interview from your

exile. What do you call it, exile? I'm a man on the run. I'm a marked man. A lot of very powerful people want me dead. And the people you're talking about are principally the Bovine Farmers Union, is that right? That's right. The Bovine Farmers Union, the Beef Brigade, the Bovine

Brotherhood. The beef establishment in Britain. The powers that beef. A sinister, nefarious group of people. The darkness is their friend. They live in the shadows. They're married to the night. The sun is their enemy. They're indifferent to dusk.

Now, most people listening will be very familiar with the circumstances around your disappearance, which was preceded shortly by your sacking live on stage from your job as the bovine poet laureate during the bovine farmers union conference where you are asked to do the closing remarks that's right on the stage yeah now many people listening will have been there there are thousands of people there in that in that conference hall but also many people would have watched the stream online and subsequently seen it passed around social media. It's become a bit of a meme.

I, though, want to hear your side of the story. Really, it all started four days before. I got a phone call. It was Wednesday afternoon. Jonathan Franzen. Now, Wednesday afternoon for Franzen is like New Year's Eve for the Marquis de Sade. It's going to be a big one. If Franzen calls you on a Wednesday afternoon for Franzen is like New Year's Eve for the Marquis de Sade. It's going to be a big one.

If Franzen calls you on a Wednesday afternoon, you better cancel any meetings until the following Thursday because it's going to get feral. So Franzen gives you a ring on the Wednesday night and you know that that is the precursor to, what do you call it, a bender? Release the dogs of fun was the phrase he used. What went through your head? Were you ever tempted not to take the call?

I knew I shouldn't have answered at the time, but the fact is I was riding high. I was bovine poet laureate. My book of poetry, Crab of the Land, was at number one in the poetry charts. You know, it looked like it was going to be the first big scale blockbuster action film to be made out of a book of poems since Michael Bay's The Whitson Weddings.

So you picked up the phone and tell us what happened next. Yeah, I can still hear Franzen's fag-cracked voice telling me that he and Mark Rylance... The actor. Correct. ...were planning on hooking up and spending the day hanging out in the cafeteria of one of their favourite department stores. Sounds like a sober affair.

Yeah, it would be if you didn't have Rylance and Franzen in the mix. Right. It's a thing they like to do. They hit a major department store, they go to the cafeteria, they chuck sun-dried tomatoes at pensioners, get shit-faced, cafeteria they chuck sun-dried tomatoes at pensioners get shit-faced and then go into the drapes section and make fictional orders for made-to-measure curtains that they're never going to purchase it's a twisted power trip so the department store will measure up cut the fabric all of that for an entirely made-up order and you've got the world's greatest maker up of words jonathan franzen and you've got the world's greatest maker up of words jonathan franzen and you've got the world's most convincing person at saying words mark rylance they don't have to leave a deposit

mark rylance has got more fake credit cards than he's got acting awards and that is a shit ton so franzen brings you up he says well hey we're going to the department store, do you want to join us? I was flattered. Rylance, Franzen, it's heady company, you know, to be seen with these guys, even if you are just turning sofas over in a sofa showroom, or just going into a locksmith's and tipping over the display with all the trophies on it. Half an hour later, I'm sitting next to Rylance

as he orders a 50 foot set of lounge curtains in turquoise suede off some poor shop assistant who thinks he's going to pick them up on thursday he's never going to pick them up but it's rylance he's understated but completely convincing face of a wise man eyes of a child soul of a bastard. You're painting quite a vivid picture of the tenor of what was going on with you three in the department store. This was just the beginning of a sort of longer session, days-long session of drinking, drug-taking, hijinks, let's put it that way. Some of it's well-recorded, but maybe we can get your side of the story. Well, to be honest, it's a blur, a lot of it. I'm pretty sure there was a two-for-one deal on cocktails in Masala Zone.

So we went in there, we chugged about 10 Indian cocktails each, and after that, it's a blur. I mean, I've just got vague memories. I'm pretty sure that at some point, me and Rylance must have got locked in the London Aquarium. I know that because I've got a photo on my phone, which it shames me to look at. But yeah, let me just find it.

Yeah, it's a grinning Rylance. Can you show it to me here? Yeah, yeah, look at it. So there you go. I'll just describe it for your listeners. He's standing in front of the Barracuda tank. That's right. And we've lined it up perfectly

because there's a Barracuda just behind him in the tank, but I've lined it up so it looks like the Barracuda is his penis. So then the end of this kind of bender clashes with the Bovine Farmers Union conference. So you start sort of partying Wednesday night. Sure enough... By Saturday. And you haven't really slept. I haven't slept, no.

I'm amazed you made it to the conference. Well, so am I. I woke up at 5pm in a Premier Inn. I was in bed with Rylance Franzen and Vikram Seth, who joined us by this point. We were all lying in a tangle asleep. Suddenly I remembered I had to give the keynote speech at the Bovine Farmers Union in 45 minutes.

So I dashed out of the door, jumped on the tube, but I was in no state. I was being sick in my pockets. And had you already written the speech? I'd forgotten to. I never got around to doing it. I wrote something on the tube on the way in, if you can believe. In between heaving gobbets of sick into your pockets? In between heaving sick into my pockets,

I was writing a speech on a napkin from bella pasta from from the previous night's revelries right disaster absolute disaster i mean we all you know we all know it's a disaster it was one of the most watched things on youtube yes it was huge the following day well it's a huge gig the bovine farmers union conference address speech is a huge gig. The Bovine Farmers Union Conference address speech is a huge gig. And a big honour, actually, because a lot of the people have done it in the past. And the people who were there at the conference are incredible. Yeah, it's huge. I mean, every farmer who's anyone was there.

Steve Cranthorpe, Bernie Winstanton, Pauline Crusts, Roger and David Flenchcroft, Sue Goosbury, Frank Timbernold. The Rundercrudge Brothers. Pippa Flagon. Mulberry Craddock. Parsnip Flendercroft. Runyon Cradge. Yeah, these are names to conjure with.

Names to conjure with in the beef world. And it's a huge gig. It's bigger than the Poultryman's Ball. Bigger than the opening of the Taunton Goose Run. Bigger than the Queen's biennial slaying of the fatted child. It's huge. When you got there, did this all hit you? Was it sobering?

Well, the first thing that hit me when I got there was Paul Rundercrudge of the Rundercrudge brothers. And Paul, as you know, is the beefier of the two, although they're both famously beefy. But Rundercrudge saw the state I was in, and he punched me hard in the stomach and said, pull yourself together, man. And did that help? Not really. I was sick all over his feet can you just describe the scene the atmosphere before you

went on stage well it's a pretty intimidating site you've got 15 000 top farmers in sort of raked amphitheater style seating in london's o2 arena so it's pretty frightening there's there's a laser show they've got a um they've got a spinning hologram of a cow that's rotating slowly through the air. There's, I mean, it's hedonism. It's crazy. You know, there's a woman doing the dance of the seven veils. There's all kinds of stuff kicking off. There's snake charmers.

It's last days of Rome kind of stuff, isn't it? Well, yeah. I mean, they're all wearing togas, certainly. And were you in a toga for the event? I had, unfortunately, left my toga at home. So Paul Rundercrudge had mocked me up something made out of toilet paper. Clearly wasn't a real toga. And your speech was to come after the meal, is that right? After the starter. Right. So they'd had their starter, which was beef head soup. After the starter.

Right. So they'd had their starter, which was beef head soup. People were spreading beef gristle all over their necks and shoulders. People's togas were falling open and no one was trying to correct it. And then it was time for you to go up. Yes. Well, Michael Henchcliffe was emceeing as usual and there were mints in his hands. He was ribbing Parsnip Lendercroft mercilessly and the crowd were loving it.

How was Parsnip taking it? Well, Parsnip did his usual thing, which was to close his eyes and scream. So anyway, Henchcliffe came off, gave me the wink and whispered under his breath, follow that. Like a sort of challenge? A challenge, yeah. And he could see that you were in a bit of a state you know you're wearing a toilet roll toga yeah reeking of booze i imagine reeking of booze both my eyes were pointing in different directions i was told later on i was not in a good state

well we've actually got a recording of the some the speech you gave. Yes, well, just to let your listeners know, just to sort of hold my hands up and say, I did have to improvise this because I'd written a poem on the tube on a napkin, but I'd lost it. I don't think that's going to come as a surprise to anyone who hears it. Well, it's... It doesn't sound prepared is what I'm saying. Well, that's the idea of improvisation, so yeah.

Yeah. Now, obviously, lots of listeners would idea of improvisation. So, yeah. Yeah. Now, obviously, lots of listeners would have been amongst the 15,000 farmers. Many people will be au fait with this. But have you listened to it back since it happened? I haven't, actually. I've made a point of trying to avoid it, I've got to say. Okay, well, I'm going to play it to you now. Do you have to?

Yeah. You like characters out of a Thomas Hardy novel. Or, oh, the steam engine is coming. It's going to ruin our lives. I wish it fucking had ruined your lives. I'd like to take a fucking steam engine and drive it across your fat fucking heads. But the steam engine will probably break

because your cheeks are so meaty and disgusting like flanks of fucking beef. We won't need cow farmers anymore pretty soon anyway. They'll just take a DNA swab out of a cow's cheek and they'll grow a massive cube of f***ing beef meat. And it won't need farmers, it'll just need a lab technician and some bloke with the internet to run it. Get off me, Cranthorpe, you twat! Get off me!

I'm not finished! I've got other things to say about beef farmers! F*** all of you, you f***ing s***! How did it feel hearing that? You know what? I actually feel quite proud. While what we've just listened to meant the end of my life and probable eventual murder, I think I exposed some uncomfortable truths. So you feel that's why they sacked you? Yeah. Because you were telling them truth they didn't want to hear?

Yeah. A lot of what I'm saying in that poem, which I think as I do think of that, that was a poem. It's a kind of slam poem street poetry but uh home truths I stand by every word I said and why did you take the decision to leave the country because no one there made a threat on your life overtly they just sacked you and said they didn't want to see you again but that seemed to be the end of it yeah well i hoped it was the end of it but the next morning i woke up and there was a piece of beef jerky on the pillow next to me and is that um is that a sign it's a message right i deciphered it beef jerky you jerk

us around you're dead beef i still still ate it, but I was scared. You were worried about what they were going to do? At that point, I still felt they were just ruffling my feathers, waiting for a reaction. Right. So I didn't give them a reaction. I went through my unusual daily routine. I went down to the swimming baths.

My membership card didn't work. Did you bring this up with the reception staff? Yep. They pulled down the shutters. Wouldn't look me in the eye. And you don't think this is a coincidence? Don't think so. Was it at that point that you started thinking about leaving the country?

Well, even at that point, I thought, they've ruffled my feathers and now they're tweaking my beak. Maybe I thought they'd leave it at that. However, the next morning I woke up and on the pillow next to me, there was a piece of biltong. Right. That's like a similar thing to jerky, right?

That's right. It's a South African version of jerky. Do you think that carried a message in the same way as the jerky the previous day? I think it did. I think it was another message. I think this time, because biltong is a peppered cured beef i think the message was you pepper us with insults

and you'll need curing because you'll be dead i can see now how you're interpreting the messages exactly i i speak beef it's it's secret codes it's It's an affairist organization. This is how they work. I was sweating with fear at that point. Again, I ate it. But this time I was really worried as I chewed on the really, really delicious, dry, salty, peppery, tart yet smooth biltong. And then the net continued to close. I went to an ATM to withdraw money and all that came out was hot gravy. Hot, rich gravy. I was so desperate, I tried to collect it in my wallet.

I thought maybe I could exchange it for something. Maybe take it to a bureau de change. Maybe take it to a bureau de beef. On day three, I woke up. There was nothing on the pillow next to me. I then walked into the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and saw a sight that chilled my blood. They'd sewn a cow's face onto my face.

That has been the kind of elephant in the room for this interview so far. Yeah, thank you for not mentioning it, by the way. It means something to me. I don't want to make any value judgments or aesthetic judgments about what's happening here but i will just concur with you i will confirm that you do have what is now a rotting cow's face yes yeah yeah it's actually gone past rotting it's now um the technical term is fetid so the um bacteria, thankfully, can no longer reproduce on it. The last maggot packed his bags and left a couple of days ago.

If you can imagine, a really old corpse doesn't actually smell as bad anymore. Yeah. And that's what I'm wearing on my face. It's a slightly mummified sort of feel to it. Yes. Like the kind of thing you might find in an old Mayan temple. Exactly. And it's very much

welded onto my face now. The cells have become indistinguishable. But, you know, I mean, I'm learning to live with it. And as I said, I don't want to make a value judgment. I don't want to make an aesthetic judgment. But just to paint a picture

for the listener, you know, I am going to say this. What I think is just a bold factual statement that you are hideous. And I accept that and I thank you for your honesty.

So you woke up, you'd had the cow's face sewn on, you know, what now? Like anyone in that situation, my first thought was, I've got to get this thing off my face. So I called a backstreet vet I know who specialises in facial reconstructive surgery

to get it removed ASAP. But he informed me that he'd woken up that morning with hooves sewn onto his hands. Oh, they were thorough, all right. You think that was the... Ah, this is no coincidence. ...Povo and Pharmazoon. No coincidence. So, at that point I knew there was no turning back.

I had to get out of the country, but fast. You're painting a picture of the net closing in on you. Yeah. Surely, if they're able to make it so that your ATM produces only gravy, they're going to have some kind of penetration when it comes to immigration, the people running the airports, your passport. Yeah, yeah, all those guys. Already your passport is useless because you've now got the

face of a cow well exactly that's that's that that was the masterstroke of sewing the cow's face onto my face not only is it very hurtful and symbolic but in my passport photo i don't have a cow's face sewn onto my face so it's useless so what do you do i called the only friend i had left in the world franzen half hour later, I was sitting with him on his private jet, on my way to a secret location. And I'd actually like to read an excerpt from my book at this stage. That tells the story? Which tells the story of what happened on that private jet,

because it's pretty interesting. Yes, by all means, please. I looked out at the clouds and felt a sense of freedom. The world seemed very far away. People have always seemed to me to be like giant ants. But from this distance, they looked like regular ants. The inside of Franzen's jet was a symphony of teak and plush velvet. The dress code was military casual.

Franzen was kitted out as a Napoleonic naval commander on shore leave. I was dressed as a Polish hussar. An air stewardess sashayed up to my seat. Tea or coffee, she asked. Beef, I replied. She smiled, reached into her trolley, and placed a bowl of steaming Thai chili beef on my teak-fold-out table. As she bent over, I caught an eyeful, and as she sashayed away, I enjoyed the show. I had the strangest sense I knew her. I turned to Franzen.

strangest sense I knew her. I turned to Franzen. Was that Hilary Mantel? I asked. He nodded. She likes it up here, he said, ten thousand feet above all the people questioning the validity of historical fiction. I watched Mantel as she strapped herself into the seat next to the emergency exit and began quietly researching her third Cromwell novel. But I wasn't concerned about Mantel. I was trying to gather my thoughts and absorb what I'd just seen on Franzen's wrist, a tattoo. The secret symbol carried by members of the Bovine Farmers Union. An optical illusion, which at first glance looked like a rose, but when glimpsed from the right angle, was unmistakably two udders intertwined above a set of bleeding horns, and underneath them the words,

Member of the Bovine Farmers' Union. So they've turned you too, you Judas, I thought. I beg your pardon, Franzen said. Oh, sorry, I thought I just thought that, I said. No, you said it, he said. Something about Judas. I had to think fast. Why'd you have to think fast? He asked. I was getting my thoughts and my words all mixed up, probably a side effect of the cow's face attached to my face. I could see his mind was racing. I needed to buy time, but I was flat broke for whatever currency it is you buy time with. I took a sprig of Thai basil from the top of my beef curry and said, it's interesting how Thai basil is slightly

different from regular basil. It's more, what's the word? Now, I know how Franzen's mind works. There are two things he loves, crystal meth and words, and I knew he'd be trying to find that word. But I was one step ahead of him, because I already knew that the word was aniseed. Thai basil is more aniseed than regular basil. But he wouldn't be far behind. I knew I had one, maximum two fractions of a second until Franzen found the word aniseed. I took a handful of chilli beef and threw it in his eyes.

ANISEED! he yelled as he fell back screaming. I grabbed the parachute and kicked the seminal novelist hard in the stomach. You fucking dick! he screamed. What's wrong I said? Cow got your tongue? That doesn't work he said. That's something you say when people aren't saying anything. I'll tell you what doesn't work I said.. That's something you say when people aren't saying anything. I'll tell you what doesn't work, I said. The third act of the corrections. I knew it did work.

It's a terrific book. But I just wanted to hurt him. We then wrestled with the controls for what seemed like minutes, but was in fact just two minutes. It was just wrestling and controls. Wrestling, controls. Wrestling, controls. He'd wrestle the controls off me.

I'd wrestle them back. Then we'd both be wrestling, and the controls would be standing free. Then suddenly I was manning the controls and Franzen was wrestling himself. I nutted him hard in the bonce and he passed out. The plane was on a 45 degree angle and heading for a cliff. I grabbed the parachute, put it on and opened the emergency exit and prepared to jump. put it on, and opened the emergency exit and prepared to jump. But then, Hilary Mantel came at me, more pitbull than historical novelist.

You forgot about me, didn't you? I hate people who have no respect for the past, she screamed, as she ran towards me, her stocky arms pumping the air. You're just an inferior historian, I replied. It's all frocks and bonnets, but no real analysis, I argued, moving out of the way. She charged past me and crunched into a teak side panel. The man Booker Prize winner spun on a sixpence and prepared for a second assault. History itself is just a story we tell ourselves, she postulated, as she aimed a sucker punch at my groin. Tell yourself a story about this, I said, as I caught her fist and pivoted the Specsavers UK author of the year

2012 over my head and onto the plush velvet floor in an undignified heat. A lot of your stuff's pure speculation, I argued, as I kicked the flick knife from her hand. All I need is the authority of my imagination, she countered, biting hard into my ankle. History itself is a form of fiction, and every historian is an unreliable narrator, she continued persuasively, as I crumpled in agony to the floor and she spat bits of bone and cartilage out of her bloodied mouth.

We must learn from the mistakes of the past or be condemned to repeat them, she concluded, as she got me in a headlock and pressed her flip-knife towards my jugular. But there is something in your very recent past that you've forgotten, I proposed. Your research. She swiveled her head and yelped as she saw her precious Cromwellian research papers being sucked through the emergency exit.

She released her grip and for a second hung in midair. Tell Rylance I love him, she screamed as she hurtled through the emergency exit like an Orange Prize winning cannonball. I got to my feet, staggered to the exit and jumped. As the plane exploded, I yanked the ripcord and passed out. When I woke up I was floating softly in the sky with Mantel clinging onto me for dear life

a strange peace fell over us and we embraced firmly and deeply hungry for each other's tongues and then I pushed her off into a swamp wow that's I mean wow yeah I knew you were a good poet but Wow. That's, I mean, wow. Wow. I knew you were a good poet, but you've got a gift for prose as well.

Are we to assume then that Franzen is dead? Oh, I don't think so. If you can write a 900-page novel about the American psyche, then jumping out of an exploding plane and grabbing onto a bit of shrubbery that's protruding from a cliff is a walk in the park. More after this. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is in part sponsored by ZipRecruiter.com. With ZipRecruiter, you can post your job

to 100 plus job sites with just one click. Maybe you need new staff at your dairy lab, beef lounge or cow massage parlour. Well, right now, Beef and Dairy listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free by going to ziprecruiter.com slash beef. That's ziprecruiter.com slash beef. One more time to try it for free.

Go to ziprecruiter.com slash beef. Slash beef. Slash beef. In a world where meat was banned, only one man could stand up to the state. Oh my god, last night was terrible. Why, what happened? These men came and they took away my meat.

What happened then? We were saved by slash beef. Slash beef? That's right, slash beef. What does this guy look like, slash beef? Oh, he kind of looks like you. But with no glasses. No. What?

What? What? I love you. What was that? I'm SlashBeef. ZebraGrid.com. SlashBeef. What's life like for you here in your secret location?

It's pretty grim, really. It's just me. And you're not engaging with the locals well because i've got a cow's face sewn onto my face it makes it particularly hard actually in this town because um there's a tradition they have they chase bulls through the streets so whenever they see me they start hollering and chasing me i mean i did have some internet dates actually early on but um, but I mean, the kind of people who turn up when you've got a cow's face attached to your face, they're absolutely disgusting perverts. So do you feel like you're free of the bovine famisunian over here? No, I don't. And I'll give you a great example. I needed some

extra money recently, so I made a relaxation tape. Put it out there. Got slammed in the press. Who controls the press? The Bovine Farmers Union. And my audio tape got absolutely slammed. One stars across the board. Didn't sell very well?

As far as I know, we've only sold one copy. And that's actually a copy that we bought and I've actually got it here now the tape I thought we could play a bit for the audience I'm very proud of it

here we go I want you to imagine you're a cow you're standing in a field feel the soft grass under your hooves feel the soft grass under your hooves feel the breeze lightly kissing your udders and making them jiggle about a bit take all your stress and all your anxiety

and place it in your udders and now I want you to imagine my firm yet warm hands closing around your udders and milking away all that stress. Mmm, let it go. Feel any concerns about your work situation being funneled in hot, juicy streams as I pump those plump udders. There's milk everywhere now, all over your udders and over my hands and my frock. Mmm.

Let it go. Gosh, that's relaxing, isn't it? Yeah. Just the idea of being milk, isn't it? Yeah. Just the idea of being milked, just getting it all out of you. It's lovely. It got absolutely slammed in the press. Yes. I've got a quote actually here from the Express, I think.

And it says here, Simply put, imagining being milked isn't relaxing. I found the whole experience quite traumatising. Yeah, that's rubbish. Have you ever seen the look on a cow's face when it's being milked isn't relaxing. I found the whole experience quite traumatising. Yeah, that's rubbish. Have you ever seen the look on a cow's face when it's being milked? But you have got this new book coming out. Are you worried that the Bovine Farmers Union will somehow try and shut down the book? Yes, the book, you won't be able to buy it in normal bookshops.

We talked to Waterstones. They won't display it in the window because they know their shops will be burnt down. You have to go on the dark web. You'll have some hurdles to go over in terms of Interpol will take an interest in you just from being on that website. It's going to be tough. It's going to be tough to shift.

Well, from the point of view of the Beef and Dairy Network, I just want to say we are a media outlet. We are independent of the Bovine Farmers Union. We have great respect for the work they've done over the years. You know, a lot of our members are also members of the bovine farmers union but they will not and i promise us they will not have an impact on the way that we talk about your work the chapter you sent me was brilliant and i hope people do make that trip onto the dark web onto the dark underbelly of humanity to buy your book yeah but uh if you are buying it on the dark

web do be careful because uh one slip of the mouse and you've accidentally bought a rocket launcher dark underbelly of humanity to buy your book. Yeah, but if you are buying it on the dark web, do be careful because one slip of the mouse and you've accidentally bought a rocket launcher. If people want to find your book on the dark web, how would they go about doing that? What you need to do is you need to type in HTTPS colon forward slash forward slash EN three dots backslash inverted comma then it's my name's michael m i c h a e l uppercase and that's and that's the word uppercase u p p e r c a s e that

and that's in lowercase right okay then it's forward slash behind the cow's face in italics and that's not in italics that's the words behind the cow's face and the words in italics right which is in bold and that will just take you straight through then it's forward slash e u f g and then it's um you need to have a keyboard which has the symbol for a drachma on it. The drachma being the pre-euro currency of Greece. So it's three of them and then you're in. Yeah. Simple as that. And what do you think the future holds for Michael Banyan? Well, I touched on this in the last page of my book.

Would you like to read it? I could read an excerpt. Great. Yeah. page of my book. Would you like to read it? I could read an excerpt. Great. Yeah. When I look in the mirror, I see the face of a cow, not metaphorically, literally, and I cry and my tears run down the dead cow's face. I realise that I don't just look like a cow, I feel like a cow. Like a cow, I know that my life will almost certainly end with me being bludgeoned to death by farmers. But like a cow, I am at peace with this fact.

If I can give some pleasure in the time that I have, if my hand, like a set of udders dexterously wrapped around a pen, can provide the nutritious milk of truth, then it has been a life worth living. And maybe that's the best any of us can hope for, to find our own truth behind the cow's face. Michael Bunyan, thank you very much. Thank you. Behind the cow's face, the Banyan, thank you very much. Thank you. Behind the cow's face, the hoof, the truth, and nothing but the hoof slash truth is on

sale now. Thank you, Michael, for that interview, and we wish you all the best. So that's all we've got time for this month. But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you can read all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section where this month the Dalai Lama tells us about his top five quick and easy midweek meals also your chance to win your weight

in whale blubber what you do with it is up to you you can cook it eat it make candles with it put the whole lot in your back garden and set it on fire it's really up to you

so until next time beef out. Thanks to Henry Packer and Teresa Thorne. Hello! Just quickly, there are still tickets left to see Beef and Dairy Live in London on the 16th of September. Tickets can be found at bit.ly forward slash beefanddickets can be found at bit.ly forward slash Beef and Dairy Live. That's bit.ly forward slash Beef and Dairy Live. Do you want the scoop on Martha Stewart's pony? If you answered yes to any of these questions, our show is for you.

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