Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 27 - Live At The British Beefmen's Luncheon

Episode Date: September 24, 2017

Episode 27 – Live At The British Beefman’s Luncheon   Mike Wozniak, Nadia Kamil, Henry Paker and Dave Cribb join in for this month’s episode which is an edited recording of a live show performed at the annual British Beefman’s Luncheon at the London Agriculture Festival.   By Benjamin Partridge, Mike Wozniak, Henry Paker and Dave Cribb with thanks to Nadia Kamil.   Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

Hello! This month's episode is a live episode. It's an edited version of the live show that we did at the annual British Beefman's Luncheon at the London Agriculture Festival. Beef and Dairy Network Podcast Live is sponsored by Mitchell's Farm Supplies. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. If you enjoy Beef and Dairy Live, why not come to see the new Mitchell's Live show? Every afternoon, our Kentucky Pellet Mill plays host to Alma the Steel-Hoofed Heifer and Snouty the Gray's Ex-Pig, who perform a show for all the family. For the kids, Alma and Snouty sing, dance, and show us how to do their super cool pellet rap. And to keep the adults interested, the fun is intercut with Alma and Snouty's violent, thought-provoking, and largely nude stage version of Stanley Kubrick's

Full Metal Jacket. Described by the Kentucky Star as deeply upsetting, tickets are only $5 when you agree to sign a non-disclosure agreement. We'll see you there Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast The number one podcast for those involved Or just interested in the production of beef animals And dairy herds

This edition of the podcast is a very special one As it's being recorded live In front of a full audience of diners at the British Beefmen's annual fundraising luncheon at the London Agriculture Festival. The British Beefmen and Women were established in 1868 as a group to distribute bags of hot beef to the poor and needy, and in more modern times are a charitable group for members of the beef community who want to give something back to good causes. In recent years, they've raised millions of pounds for good

causes, such as the St. Helder's Home for the plain-looking milkmaids with no prospect of marriage, action on cold barns, and of course, the Biafra National Front. Every year at this annual luncheon, the beef men and women are treated to entertainment to be enjoyed between the main course and the dessert course.

Of course, the entertainment was traditionally provided by the much-loved double act, Cheese and Onion. Best known for their television series in the 1980s and 1990s, and their catchphrase, sometimes there is smoke without fire. In the absence of Cheese and Onion, the Beef Men have asked us here at the Beef and Dairy Network to record an edition of the podcast live. And it's my great pleasure to begin this by announcing that this year's deserving cause that we're raising money for is...

Buff Sans Frontieres. Or Beaves Without Borders. Beaves Without Borders exists to campaign and lobby for the freedom of movement for beef. Increasingly, in the name of so-called public health, various countries around the world do not let a normal citizen arrive, as they would have done in the old days, festooned with beef.

Here are some statistics they've asked me to read to you. Despite being the colour of beef, a British passport no longer guarantees safe passage of beef around the world. 24% of British travellers travelling outside of the EU were stopped at a border and had their beef confiscated. In 1950, the British traveller carried an average of 25kg of beef with him on an overseas trip. Now, unthinkably, 67% of British travellers travel without any beef at all.

In today's podcast, we have interviews with TV's Mr. Beef and also one of the brains behind the 20th century's most notorious semen heist. But first, we've received a number of letters this month in response to the big question on our website. As we reach September and the new farming year begins, what was the most memorable

moment of last year? Alan Trucks from Portsmouth writes, I spent most of the year secretly building a castle inside a huge barn on my cattle farm. I always call my wife my beef princess and it was my dream to build her a beef castle to live in. The idea was that on her birthday I would pull down the walls of the barn to reveal her new meat home. After several months it was finished, an exact replica of Corfe Castle, complete with beef ramparts, a beef port After several months, it was finished, an exact replica of Corfe Castle, complete with beef ramparts, a beef portcullis, a beef cannon, and a beef gift shop.

However, the more time I ploughed into the castle, the less time I was spending with her. Weeks would go by where I would barely see her. So busy was I trying to find a way to make a string of beef sausages strong enough to hold up a beef drawbridge. Her interest began to wane, and without my knowledge, she started shagging my best friend, Tim Bowl. When her birthday came round, I was so excited to show her the finished castle, but she was nowhere to be found.

I searched the entire farm until I found her and Tim Bowl rotting monstrously in the milking shed. Just as I arrived, they were experimenting sexually with a suction-based milking machine. No doubt this was the sort of sexually arousing behaviour which had attracted her to him in the first place, but I was just about to watch the cathartic, tragic downfall of Timbo's pride-bloated libido as the milking machine plane tore his dick off.

While that was immensely gratifying to see, my relationship with my beef princess was still in tatters, much like Tim Bowles' ruined peen. I ran from the farm and didn't look back, only building up the courage to return months later. When I got back, my beef princess was nowhere to be seen. The castle had begun to rot and had been partially eaten by dogs.

This was a fitting home for the wreck of a man I'd become. Every night the surrounding farms could hear me weeping and wailing on a rotting beef four-poster bed. So, overall, a tough year. But on the upside, I did enjoy Netflix series

Stranger Things, so swings and roundabouts. Thanks, Alan. Julie in Southampton writes... I spent much of this year single for the first time in 20 years. My marriage broke up and I thought I'd never meet anyone again.

I spent long evenings alone in my house watching Stranger Things, which is excellent. But last month I had a bit of a romantic breakthrough. It all came to a head after a particularly dispiriting night at a speed dating event where I was so scared to speak to anyone, I pretended to be a waitress and spent the evening fetching people drinks and eventually mopping the toilet when someone spewed up a prawn curry all over several cubicles. When I got home, something took hold of me

that I just couldn't describe. I began to feel very strange. And not just because I had a stranger's prawn vomit in my hair. It was as if I wasn't in control of my own actions. My legs walked me to the kitchen, opened up my refrigerated meat locker, and with tears in my eyes and cosmic power in my arms, I began to violently mash big hunks of beef together, moulding cool handfuls of mince into eyes, nose and mouth.

I opened my laptop and I turned on YouTube. Using the clay head of Lionel Richie in the music video for the song Hello, as a sort of visual blueprint, I started piecing together the head of my perfect man. A perfect beef man. My beef Lionel Ritchie head will never lie to me or forget my birthday or make me take speeding penalty points on my license or go to Australia on a work trip and get off with some slapper from Adelaide. Will they, Tim? Will they, Tim Bowl? P.S. If you're listening, Tim, I heard what happened about your dick getting pulled off by a milking machine. Ha!

Thanks, Julie. Thank you. God. That Tim Boll sounds like a right wrong-un, that guy, doesn't he? Bloody Tim Boll. And finally, Tim Boll. Right. A year of ups and downs for me. On one hand, I really enjoyed the Netflix original series Stranger Things.

Loved the spooky 80s vibe. And who doesn't love Winona Ryder? On the other, I embarked on an extramarital affair which ended when my penis was torn asunder by some milking equipment. As they say, C'est la vie. Thank you, Tim Bowl. It's now time for our first guest. TV's Mr Beef, Cliff Trent Roberts, has been a fixture of our televisions for over 30 years

and is credited with the beef boom of the 90s when shops up and down Britain sold out of beef after he appeared on television cooking a beef Tracy Island. The success of his branded products include the widely popular Go Beef Go Bar, the revolutionary breakfast food Beef Shards.

They mean that he is rumoured to be amongst the top 100 richest people in the UK. He's also known for his high-profile alleged romantic dalliances. In recent years, he's been linked with Nigella Lawson, Nick Clegg and George Clooney's mum. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome TV's Mr Beef, it's Cliff Trent Roberts. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Lovely to be here. Cliff, it's a great pleasure to have you here. Thanks for having me. Now, the reason you're here primarily, to begin with, is that you are a celebrity patron for Beavs Without Borders. Proud to be, certainly, yes. How did that start for you? Well, I first became engaged with Beaufs en Frontieres

when I... It was the first time I had a little bit of money in my pocket and took my first holiday I'd ever had as an adult. It was a very cheap cruise. It was a it was a tripe ship cruise You could get cheap ticket on a trip ship from Vilnius all the way down to Sydney and had a wonderful time it was hedonistic and

Finally arrived in Sydney and they they would not allow us to to dock Even though many of us had friends and family waiting to greet us there. I was horrified and it hadn't occurred to me before then that beef could have a border. And been a card-carrying member ever since. In terms of becoming a patron, that was just luck, really, you know, as my career soared.

That was around the same time that Shirley Bassey, the former patron, was found in the disabled toilets of Harrods with a lamb chop. Yes. The less said about that, the better. Your trip to Sydney, how much beef did you have on board then? Oh, well, each fellow, we were allowed to basically

bring as much as we could carry with our bare hands and in our clothes. That was the rule. Because it was just a cheap tripe ship one. So they already had to... I mean, it was actually packed to the rafters with tripe anyway. So it was a lot of fun. I was lucky. I managed to meet a couple who'd been on a lot of these cruises before we left.

And they said, just wear beef. That's the trick. Wear beef. So you can imagine the state of us by the time we got there. A couple of burgers down the trousers. A couple of burgers down it goes. And those burgers are gone by the time you get there, sure. But you can imagine the state of us by the time we got there. A couple of burgers down the trousers. A couple of burgers down it goes and those burgers are gone by the time you get there, sure, but you're having a wonderful time.

So, you know, how is life as a patron for Beavis Like Borders? Well, it's exciting. It's exciting. It's important, isn't it? I mean, our biggest cause is Sid's Onion, obviously. Yes, now the audience don't know this yet. So Beavis Like Borders obviously does a lot of work around the world,

but this year it has got one central campaign, and maybe you could tell us a bit about what they're going to try and do. Well, of course, as some of you may know, Sid, of course, was initially incarcerated because he was trying to carry what was regarded by the authorities as illegal beef over a border, and he's still in prison now, and so we are campaigning to get him out.

We're putting all of our resources into that border and that prison and that wonderful, wonderful man. And do you know the specifics of what Sid was carrying when he took those beefs into Turkey? I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say in terms of cutlets, because it's a tricky legal case. Does anyone here work for Beefs Without Borders?

I've just heard the phrase internal medallion quite a lot. So that's where the grey area lies legally because in Turkish law they don't specifically refer to the internal carriage of beef.

And you've actually got a personal relationship with Sid, which is... Oh, very much so, yeah. So this must be a special thing for you. Yeah, Sid and I, we go way back. Sid is the reason I made it in show business in the first place. I was just... I was 87. I was just running a little beef stall in my hometown of lime regis in dorset a little summer beach beef stall and um i don't know i mean some some people are quite young in

the crowd you might remember 87 was the summer of chicken so it was a real it was a tough time for a beef salesman and um sid was just on holiday at the time and he loved my my beef gauntlets that i was selling at the time and he could see that no one else was buying them because chicken was all the rage and uh he bought everything, bought the whole stall, and we had a lovely afternoon, him and his girlfriend at the time just sort of chucking beef gauntlets at Seagulls. It was absolutely magic.

When you say gauntlet, you mean like a medieval glove? Yeah, like a thick glove of sort of, it was compressed beef that would last, you know, up to 45 minutes in the sun. And he, yeah, he booked me for his wedding. I did all five of his weddings, actually. I want to talk about you a bit. It's not often you don't have a TV series on.

What have you been doing since Around the World on 80 Beefs? Well, I don't want to sort of completely sideline it, but that is an important issue I would like to bring up. At the end of that extraordinary tour, I got beefed out. Beef exhaustion is something that people aren't talking about these days. I lost the joy of beef. I was tired with beef I didn't fancy

beef and people aren't talking about that a lot of people don't think beef exhaustion is a made up illness some people don't believe it's a real illness certainly it's a problem with men, particularly men of my age I mean I know women are more likely statistically to talk about beef exhaustion

with their friends they are more likely to have that network around them. But men, particularly middle-aged men, are at great danger of just concealing it, not telling anyone, trying to conceal the behaviour, not turning up to dinners, bringing faux beef on picnics, just because they cannot bring themselves to enjoy beef.

And it's absolutely tragic, and I suffered with it. I mean, it's not something that I can understand. No. You know, but I want to try and understand. So how would you feel if, during this time, if I was to slap a big sirloin in your face? Yeah. How would you feel?

Two years ago, five years ago, you've chucked a big old sirloin on my face. I'd have gone, whoop-de-doo, off we go. I had a little nibble. Same as anyone else, okay? But if in the peak of my beef exhaustion you had done that, I mean, I would have just walked on by.

You would have just bounced off your face. I would have bounced off. It could have stayed on my face. I mean, I would have... Such is the inertness of the brain and the soul to beef that I would barely even acknowledge that I had been hit by

beef. Is this something that could happen to anyone? It could happen to anyone. The problem we've got at the moment, there's no way around it. It's very difficult to get through it. There's no therapy available? There are therapies that people have tried. There are groups on the dark web you can talk to about it.

The Vienna Institute, there is a small department that are researching into and they very much favor immersion therapy which I tried I spent four days buried in beef didn't do it in the end it was it was actually it was my father who had the ID and he was like you, Cliff, you've been overcomplicating beef your whole working life. All you've been doing is you've been making beef more and more ornate. Just keep it simple. What's wrong with simple beef?

And he was absolutely right. He found my trigger. It was complex beef. And he developed a lathe, a beef lathe. And I stayed with him for about three or four months, just me and him. And he would give me the finest, finest slices of beef. The first one was just dissolving your tongue. And little pops and crackles, the taste buds began to react.

And that was all it was, a nurturing environment, a safe environment, keeping it simple. was a nurturing environment, a safe environment, keeping it simple. Now, I believe you're going to do some cooking for us live on stage, which is pretty exciting. I am. Yeah. Take it away, Cliff. I'm going to buck the trend with the onstage cooking because I know, looking at you, that at least four people in this audience

will be suffering with beef exhaustion as we speak. So this is for you guys. If you'd hold that for me. It's a plate for the listeners at home. And what I've got on my other hand is a, what I call a packet of beef. I'm just operating that packet of beef, just removing the cellophane wrapping.

And you think people can find these at home in their local supermarkets? You can find it at home, yeah, probably you can find it at home. If you look hard enough, you'll find a packet of beef, of course. And this is a very fine slither of beef. It's a wet beef, which I'd advise.

So here we go. This is some live cooking. You've got to pay normally a lot of money for this to see live cooking from Clifton. The plate is completely flavourless, chemically inert. And I've got the wafer-thin beef. And I'm just going to leave that there at the front of the stage. ac mae gen i'r ffwrdd o bwff llaw ac... ac rydw i'n mynd i adael hynny yno ar y ffwrdd o'r stag um, yn amsawdd bod rhywun yn meddwl bod angen i nhw ddod yn ôl i'w cysylltu â'r cyffrediniaethau

Iawn Well, ladies and gentlemen, please join me in thanking Cliff Trent-Roberts. APPLAUSE Next, to news of Sid Onion. As we heard from Cliff, much of the money raised this afternoon for Beavis Without Borders will go towards the efforts to free Sid from his incarceration. However, many of you will remember at last year's London Agriculture Festival, we launched a Kickstarter to raise money to be used as bribes to secure his release. Many thousands of pounds were raised, including large donations made by other famous entertainment double acts, such as Wattle and Dorb, Slap and Tickle, a Olives and Bread for the Table. Gwaith mawr o ddoniadau gan Brian Olives a Trevor Bread for the Table.

Gan ddefnyddio'r cyllid, fe wnaeth Sid's gwaith, Pam Onion, ymwneud â'r tro i Tyrci i geisio ei gael o'r prision. Nid yw ei hymdrech wedi digwydd. Ac nawr maen nhw wedi cyd-dweud, byddai'n rhaid i beibs ag ef gychwyn cyfleoedd i gyflwyno cyllid i gyflwyno arian ar gyfer y cwrs. Bydd y cerdd yn cael ei wneud gan ei gynharach, failed. And now they've teamed up with Beavis Without Borders to release a single to raise money for the cause. The song will be performed by her cousin, Sid's nephew, Christopher Onion. The lyrics of the song

are based on a poem written by Sid whilst in prison in Turkey. Without access to any paper or writing implements, he scrawled it on the wall of his cell in faeces. The poem was so moving that the sympathetic prison guards took a photograph and sent it to his family.

So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Christopher Onion singing Beef is a Promise. Beef is a Promise Beef is a promise A promise that's never broke Beef is confusing, like a child telling you a joke Beef is a feeling, like a letter from a long lost friend Like a letter from a long lost friend Beef is a miracle Like a successful stag weekend These four walls

No beefs in sight This old man Never giving up the fight They can take away my liberty But they can't take away my dreams They can apply electric shocks to my balls But they can't take away my memories of beef. Beef is a promise, a promise to you and me.

Beef is a choir that sings in harmony. Beef is a concept that we just can't comprehend And beef is a sunset that never has to end These steel bars, no beefs in weeks My poor soul I feel like a freak They can take away my liberty But they can't take away my dreams

They can stick a power Drill up my arse But they can't take away my memories of beef These cold nights No beeps in years I'd love to use a stake to wipe away my tears They can take away my liberty, but they can't take away my dreams And they can slam my dick in the door of a van But they can't take away my memories of beef

My father has always meant the world to me We had a special bond that only a father and a fifth child from a fourth wife can have. Before he went to prison, we used to have these running jokes like when he'd pretend to forget my name and he'd say, which one are you then? Or, hang on, I will get it,

is it Margaret? Or simply, who the hell are you? Get off my drive. The plan was for me to use the money raised to go over to Turkey to bribe the authorities. And I was also going to be joined by my cousin Big John, who's called Big John because he was an extra in the film Big. In terms of his size, he is resolutely medium.

We had a document with the details of the prison dad was being kept in, but it was all in Turkish. But it was okay because we had the idea to ask Big John's friend, Turkish Kevin, who is so cool because he was once an extra in a TV advert for Turkish Delight. Luckily, Turkish Kevin knew someone from Turkey, Greek Mehmet, who is so cool because he was an extra in an advert for Greek yogurt because he looks a bit Greek

because he's actually from Turkey. Greek Mehmet translated the document and told us that dad was being held in a haunted prison in an island called Devil's Pimple. When we arrived on the island we began weaving a web of bribery and corruption leaving suitcases full of money here and cash stuff sports bags there. Wonga filled duffel bags, moolah loaded burlap sacks, dinaro jammed leather satchels, loot-packed wicker clutches, greenback-rammed ritzy tote bags, straw baskets, backpacks, knapsacks,

rucksacks, carpet bags, drawstring sports bags, briefcases, wooden trunks. Dirty holdalls. Tartan shopping trolleys. Messenger bags.

Upmarket handbags. One of those bags that says, don't books on it. Paper bags. Jute gunny sacks. Book bags. Black bin bags. Green bags. Upmarket pocket books,

sets of matching suitcases, cabin baggage size wheelie cases, a crossbody sports bag, a nose bag, saddle bags, motorcycle panniers, bum bags white envelopes brown envelopes manila 90 gsm self sealing envelopes padded envelopes windowed envelopes rich beef sausages rich beef sausages

rich beef sausages rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages Rich beef We were enjoying it in Turkey We'd had a great time The island had miles of unspoiled beaches which were perfect apart from thousands of ghost lepers. However, it seemed the bribes hadn't worked.

We were beginning to lose hope when in a busy market square a hooded figure thrust a slip of paper into my hand it read you can meet my boss tonight under the giant olive tree at midnight bring a hemp beach bag stuffed with hot cash yours Richard B sausages when Big John and I arrived at the olive tree under the full moon we were approached by an old man with only one eye that was where his nose was supposed to be. And a chin where his one eye was supposed to be. And a beard on the back of his neck. And his ears were on his chin,

which was where you'd usually expect to find eyes. He explained that he was called Ali, or to his friends, Picasso Ali. Because he drove a Citroen Picasso. He introduced himself as the prison warden of the Devil's Pimple Prison. Then he shot us a look. Do you have the hemp beach bag full of money that I requested? I could barely understand his thick Turkish accent.

I said, yes, it's all here. Handing him the beach bag. He opened it and with horror, I realised that I had given him the bag containing our beach wear. Out fell my bikini, suntan lotion and Big John's heavy soiled swim shorts. What is this?

He shouted almost unintelligibly. Are you trying to make a mockery of me? Do you not think I get enough mockery as it is? With my face looking like the aftermath of an explosion at the Mr. Potato Head factory. He leaned in close. If his nose had been where a nose usually would be, we'd have been touching noses. I was touching his nose had been where a nose usually would be, we'd have been touching noses. I was touching his nose, but that's because his nose was on the back of his hand,

and he was using it to stroke my cheek. He narrowed his eye. Read my lips. It was going to be hard because they were on the back of his head. You're never going to see your father again. And then his single nose eye swivelled towards Big John. Hang on. He said.

I recognise you. Weren't you in the back of shot during the floor piano in the toy shop scene in the movie Big? Yes, I was. Said Big John. I even got a chance to speak to Tom Hanks when the camera stopped rolling. I moved out of his way and said, sorry. And he replied, can someone get these dog people out of my way? He wasn't talking directly to me, but I think I was one of the dog people he was referring to.

Tell me, said Picasso Ali. What is the name of your father? Sid Onion, I said. From the double act Cheese and Onion. I don't know if they made it to Turkey, but they were famous for their song and dance routines, which mix homie nostalgia and hardcore sexual innuendo. Oh, very good. That sounds like

my kind of thing, said Picasso Ali. I love nothing more than laughing at something, because taken at face value, the person is talking about something innocent, but really they're talking about a sexual organ. Then you will love their song,

Mr. Blackett's Pork Tennis Racket. I said, Picasso Ali began to laugh. Oh, I like the sound of this, Sid Onion, I really do. Give me two days. At midnight, by this large olive tree, I will bring you your father. We arrived at midnight. In the light of the moon, I noticed

a nipple on his forehead. Next to him was a man who I assumed was my father, but he looked different somehow. The experience of prison had left him larger, with a big shock of ginger hair. Picasso Ali thrust him towards us before jumping on a motorcycle, tearing off into the distance, crashing into a wall and dying in a ball of flames. Ow, fuck's sake. We turn to the man with the red hair. Long story short, it wasn't my father. I would like to apologise to Beef and Dairy Network listeners who raised so much money only for us to spend it

releasing a completely different Sid Onion, who, after further investigation, really deserves to be in prison for the string of weird murders that he committed throughout the 1980s. The guy's an absolute monster. And my dad, Sid Onion, a man who did nothing more illegal than smuggle several kilograms of beef

into a foreign country and made it himself. Come with me to a land of beef. In my dreams I find sweet relief. Come with me to a land of beef In my dreams I find sweet relief Come with me where the sky is beef And the ground is beef And the people are beef And the wind is beef And the stars are beef

And the flowers are beef And the cars are beef And the roads are beef And the cliffs are beef And the sea is beef And the cliffs are beef And the sea is beef And the trees are beef And the wind is beef And the moon is beef

And the grass is beef And the rain is beef And the beef is also beef Come with me To a land of beef To a land of beef In my dreams A beefy dreams

A fine sweet Relief Christopher Onion, ladies and gentlemen! Wow, amazing. And that whole song was written on his wall in faeces. He's got an incredibly intricate hand with a shite. Thanks, Pam. Pam Onion, everyone!

More after this OK, so we all know that the key to a successful business is finding great talent whether that's a business in the beef world, the dairy world or even, God forbid, a whole different sector altogether Well, with ZipRecruiter.com you can post your job to 100 plus job sites with just one click In fact, 80% of employers who post a job on ZipRecruiter.com, you can post your job to 100 plus job sites with just one click. In fact, 80% of employers who post a job on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within one day. Find out today why ZipRecruiter has been used by businesses of all sizes to find the most qualified job candidates with immediate results.

And right now, network members can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free. That's right, free, gratis, zilcho, zero bino. Just go to ZipRecruiter for free. That's right, free, gratis, zilcho, zero bino. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. One more time to try it for free. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. Slash beef. Hello. I'd like to renew my driving license. Can I take your name? Slash Beef. Slash Beef?

That's right, Slash Beef. Okay, let me see here. I'm just going to put that in the computer. Let me see here. Is there some sort of problem? I'm sorry, there's no one on the system by that name, sir. There must be some sort of mistake. My name is Slash Beef. Can you try again? Are you sure you have a driving license. My name is Slash Beef. Can you try again? Are you sure you have a driving license?

My name's Slash Beef. Let me get this right. You're spelling that S-L-A-S-H? Beef? Okay, my name's actually David Fungerson. David Fungerson? That's right, David Fungerson. How are you spelling Fungerson? That's right, David Fungerson. How are you spelling Fungerson? F-U-N-G-E-R-S-S-O-N.

Fungerson. David Fungerson. Oh, fine. Here you are. David Fungerson. I'm slash beef. Theprocure.com slash beef. Our next guest is notorious, but is probably better known by his tabloid moniker, the Silent Wrist.

Formerly top of the seaman heist game, he is now working with the police, helping keep Britain's bull seamen safe. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Brian Talbooth. Thank you. Brian, thanks for. Thank you. Hello, Brian. Thanks for coming in today. Thank you. My pleasure. Now, let's, I mean, people all know who you are, I imagine,

but let's go back to the beginning. How did you first get into the seaman theft game? Yeah, well, it was the early 90s. It was pre-internet. I was a teenager. Wasn't much to do. You want to make yourself a couple of quid on a Thursday? You'll mug a cow, won't you?

Now, when you say mug a cow, what are you... Well, cow mugging, this came before semen theft. I mean, it's an entry-level crime. It's a slippery slope after that. Pun. I mean, I regret the pun, but I did intend it. Yeah, cow mugging is a two-man job. You find a cow that's wandering down a lonely lane. Perhaps it's become separated from the herd. And one of you dresses up as a bumpkin.

Perhaps it's become separated from the herd. And one of you dresses up as a bumpkin. So that's a fake beard, hat full of holes, checkered shirt covered in hay, and a three-foot pipe. And that makes the cow feel at ease. And the other one, you're coming from behind on a moped. You shoot past the cow. There's a skill to it, but you lean across and you get one squish of the other

into a beaker. You carry on past the cow, the cow doesn't know what's happened. The bumpkin jumps on the back of the moped. Half an hour later, you got half a pint of free milk. You know what I mean? You do what you want with that. You can sell it down the docks.

Fridge it. Or make yourself a small amount of bechamel sauce, you know, whatever. You've got options, which, you know, which you didn't have half an hour ago. And that crime of cow mugging was sort of like a nursery slope for you in terms of the world of wider cow crime. Yeah, well, you start putting two and two together, don't you? And, you know, you think, well, there's actually, why don't we mess around with milk? There's much more valuable stuff inside a cow.

I'm talking about liquid gold. No, I'm not. I'm talking about, that is liquid gold. I mean, there isn't liquid gold inside a cow. Liquid gold is also very valuable. But if you go looking for liquid gold in cows, you know, you're wasting your time and the cow's time. So what are you talking about?

What I am talking about is... Well, what I was intending to talk about is what we call liquid diamonds, white platinum, God's yop. BS for short, beef semen. There's no dressing it up. You can put it in a dressing.

But it'll cost you. And really, you're moving from milk to, let's call it, God's yop. Yeah. God's Yop. Yeah. God's Yop, yeah. Because you notice as a teenager that the value of milk, as opposed to God's Yop... Well, the value of beef semen is... I mean, it's worth its own...

Well, actually, it's worth double its own weight in a substance that's worth three times as much as gold. It's the most stable stock in the world, beef semen. It's worth its weight in beef semen. Literally, you could. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know how far it would get you.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, an analogy is where you compare something to something else, right? I mean, yeah. In a closed mind, yes. Yeah. I mean, so what you're saying, like... Cor, the horse, the...

I should have locked the stable door before the horse bolted, shouldn't I, earlier? That's, uh... Cor, that really was a case of, uh... of, um, locking the stable door before the horse... I should have... They've got your point. of locking the stable door before the horse.

I should have... They've got your point. I'm a man of action, right? I'm not comfortable with words. So you were telling us about the value of beef semen. Yeah, beef semen. It's the most stable stock in the world. I mean, it hardly ever dips. The only dips, really, it's ever had

is during the Weimar Republic, famously. Beef semen was so devalued that people were painting their houses with it. And, of course, the 2007 Credit Crunch, which we all know about, that was actually a direct result of the mid-1996 semen squelch. This is when farmers were selling beef semen before they'd actually'r cymaint 1996. Dyma pan roedd ffermwyr yn gwasgu semen bêf cyn eu bod wedi'i gynhyrchu o'r bêf. Felly, beth sy'n digwydd yw bod yn ymwneud â semen y dyfodol. Mae'r gwerth semen yn sgwylio, ond nid yw'r semen ei hun yn digwydd.

Felly, os ydych chi'n cyd-dynnu, ar yr un pryd mae'r prifoedd ymgysylltiedig yn dal, rydych chi wedi creu gwirthwr ymdrinol o ran y... Wel, mae'r rhaglen o'r cyfathrebu wedi'i gwthio. stable you've created a an inverse vortex in terms of the well the paradigm of the relation is flipped it's what call it's what it's what's called a hot cow market and I mean by the end literally beef semen pound for pound was worth less than mince yeah but now it's riding But now it's riding high. Now it's riding high again, yeah. And you made a lot of money out of this, I imagine. What was it that...

Normally when, you know, we watch the Seaman Heist movies, of course, you know... Oh, yeah. On Boxing Day, you know, we all sit down and watch White Gold with the family. Yeah, yeah. And... Yeah, they make me laugh, those, yeah.

Well, and the characters, they always have their own special skill, don't they? So there'll be one of them who's good at sort of rappeling in. Ie. Wel, ac mae'r cwreirwyr, maen nhw bob amser yn cael eu sgiliau arbennig, ond na? Ie. Felly bydd un ohonyn nhw'n dda ar wneud rhywbeth o'r llawr, fel un sy'n y cyfeirio. Ie, ie. A beth oedd eich sgiliau pan oedd yn dod i wneud y hystiau? Ystradio. Roedd gen i, roedd gen i unrhyw ffaith amdano.

Roeddwn i'n mynd i'w alw'n gwrth. Rwy'n... Rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, rwy, you know when you're having breakfast in a greasy spoon and you can't get the ketchup out of the bottle some people tossing away on it for hours can't get anything out others go in too hard, ketchup all over the plate I mean you understand what I'm yeah

I'm one of those people, I mean I can get ketchup into an espresso cup from 50 yards you know what I mean it's just sort of a risky thing I don't know but yeah that's what I did I mean? It's just, it's sort of a wristy thing. I don't know, but yeah, that's what I did. I was at the business end.

I was right there and it's a scary place to be. And as I was saying, we've all seen the Seaman Heist movies. When you watch those, and I imagine you probably have, is it a true reflection

of the kind of thing you were doing? Oh, oh, oh, give me strength. No, they make me laugh. Yeah, I mean, you've got George Clooney

in a sort of perfectly tailored suit, you know, relieving a prize bull of its seed into a silver samovar while, you know, flirting with Julia Roberts or whatever. It's not like that. It is not. I'm telling you this now. It is not like that. For one thing, you're not wearing a suit, you're wearing a bush.

Secondly, you're not using a silver samovar, you're using a thermos. And if you are talking to an actress, it won't be an A-lister, but Miriam Margulies yn... Byddai hi'n hoffi... Byddai hi'n gwneud y llythyn i'r hŷn o'r bwll a chyflwyno anecdotiaeth mewn ei eardd i'w gyflawni. Ond rwy'n credu bod hi wedi mwynhau'r ffwrdd o fod yno.

Oeddech chi'n ei gyflwyno neu oedd hi'n dod i fyny? Nid oedd hi'n fyny, dwi ddim yn gwneud hynny. Ddweud wrthym am rai o'r rhai o'r hyistiau mawr rydych chi'n ymwneud â nhw. Oherwydd rydych chi wedi gorfod cadw'r cwbl hwn i'r cyhoedd am lawer o flynyddoedd nawr. Nawr rydych chi wedi dod i'r cyhoedd ac wedi dod allan fel y Deamon Mist. Ie. Beth oedd rai o'r rhai mawr rydych chi'n ymwneud â nhw? O, ie, wel, roedd rhai mawr iawn.

Efallai y byddwch chi wedi clywed o'r rhai mawr Las Vegas. Ie. Ie. Dyna oedd... Dyna oedd Caw Circus Boffo. Ie, felly Caw Circus Boffo, Cow Circus. That was Boffo's Cow Circus. They play Vegas. Celebrity Beef Semen has a special price that there was

an anonymous collector got in touch who wanted a vial of the stuff to pour into the punch at his daughter's wedding. You don't ask questions. These are mysterious, shadowy people with a lot of power and too much time on their hands as far as I'm concerned, but Dydwch chi ddim yn gofyn cwestiynau. Mae'r bobl sy'n ddiddordeb, sy'n ysgwyddo, gyda llawer o bwysigrwydd a rhywfaint o amser ar eu llaw, o ran fy mod i'n bwysig, ond nid yw hynny i mi gofyn.

Dwi'n gwneud y gwaith. Felly, mae'r gwarthegau eu hunain ar y gorff ar y cyfan. Felly, mae'n rhaid i ni fod yn ddysg. Yr hyn a wnaethom ni oedd, oedd gennydd. Roeddem yn gwybod bod yn rhaid i ni ddiffidio yn ystod y climaes o'u sioe, sy'n ystod y foment lle

Beth Midler yn milking five cows simultaneously while singing from a distance. So we knew that was the way we had to strike. We had to use sleight of hand, misdirection, we had to use every trick in the book. We used David Copperfield. He got involved. We had two dummy David Copperfields, a man dressed as a mirror, and 50 hectolitres of dry ice. But we got in, we got out, and Bette Midler didn't know what had happened. Bette Midler had no idea we'd been in and out until later on, I heard, in the dressing room,

when she noticed that the lead bull's testicles were the size of chickpeas. Is it true, and you might not be able to say this or not, but was it true that you were involved in the royal heist? Yeah. This was the heist on what's known as the crown cow of the British Empire and her affiliated dominions is the regal title for this cow, a very special cow, by the name of Sir Reginald Plimpton.

He's got very blue blood, this cow. He traces his ancestry back to the cow that William the Conqueror rode at the Battle of Hastings. Very important cow that the Queen occasionally consults on matters of war. Yeah, but a lot of people think he's kept in the Tower of London. That's actually a replica. If you've seen that, that's not him. That's a student

dressed as a cow. No, he's actually kept in the Hart Buckingham Palace, so that was an incredible job. We had to go through the sewers of London. We had to drill through three metres of concrete to get into his royal cow chamber. That's when the beef eaters swooped in. Yeah, the beef eaters obviously protect the royal beef.

My colleagues were instantly beheaded around me. I had to... My head's flying all over the shop. I ran through a door. As a chase ensued through the corridors of Buckingham Palace, I ended up at a bookcase, an old bookcase, which the Queen likes to keep old lonely planets on from all the countries she's been to.

Pushed that open, that was a passage. Led me down into the bowels of Buckingham Palace. And as luck would have it, I actually ended up emerging in the Royal Seamen Cellar, where they keep beef semen dating back to the Middle Ages. So I picked up a Magnum of 1648 with a street value of about three million pounds, jumped onto a jet ski and shot off down an underground river, emerging three hours later in the English Channel. No, these are great stories. Thank you.

Yeah. But sadly, as we know, you were caught. I was eventually, yeah. And the police took you in and now the penalty for beef semen theft is very, very harsh. Often, I don't know if you know this, a judge can actually look at the case

and actually try you on about a million kidnaps. Which can really add up. But you're out. You didn't do any prison time. So what happened there? Well, I was offered a choice, which was, you know, join Beef Squad. Beef whore!

The boys in beef. Join them. Or face death by lethal beef. So, you know, it was a no-brainer. Which is ironic, because the initiation ceremony involved eating four cow brains. So you're now a paid-up member of the Beef Squad.

I am indeed, yeah. And what does that involve? You're trying to keep beef semen safe now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot of undercover work. I mean, it can be quite boring, to be honest. You're dressed as a scarecrow, tied to a stick for 46 hours, staring at cows. You were telling me earlier in the green room that you had to be dressed as a bull itself, as a kind of detour. Yeah, that was one of the toughest jobs of my life,

I've got to say, actually. Yeah, I was dressed as a cow, a Lincolnshire red-eye. And it was all kitted out on the inside. I had the internet and stuff. It was great. But what happened was the beef robbers, they attacked a week earlier than we'd foreseen. And it was actually my old crew.

The ones who weren't beheaded? Yeah. Yeah. Well, the ones that were beheaded, yeah. Actually, my old best friend, Fast Ian, he approached me and I realised that I had a... He was holding a beaker in his left hand and I realised I had a terrible choice, which was expose who I was, blow my cover and be head-butted to death.

Or be tossed off by your best mate. It was the longest 40 minutes of my life. Well, thank you, Brian, for all of your stories. It's been wonderful to have you here. Thanks for doing your bit for the charity. Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Talbot. Thank you very much. We finish the show with a message for Sid Onion.

Dear Sid, you've given us so much joy over the years. Your only crime was to take beef over a border, a border that beef itself doesn't recognise. In our eyes, you're innocent. We love you, Sid. Everyone say after me, we love you, Sid. We love you Sid everyone say after me we love you Sid and we're going to do everything we can to get you out everything we can

and we're here this afternoon to raise money for Bees Without Borders we're all going to put our hands in our pockets and we're going to get you out of there ladies and gentlemen please drink your fizzy beef wine round of applause for Sid Onion Thank you to everyone who came along to that live show in London last week we had a lot of fun, I hope you did too

also a huge thanks to everyone involved that's Mike Wozniak, Henry Packer Nadja Kamal and Dave Cribb. Hi, I'm Ben. And I'm Adam. And we host The Greatest Generation. And we're here to announce a new show. The Greatest Discovery is Maximum Fun's new podcast about the new Star Trek series, Star Trek Discovery.

We're going to be recapping every single episode. It's going to be a limited run podcast. And we hope you'll join us. It's a show that we're really excited to watch. And we're really excited to talk about it and provide our signature f***ing fart joke coverage of a new entry in the Star Trek franchise. So if you like

irreverence, adult humor, irreverence again, and Star Trek, we really hope you'll join us on Tuesdays on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Do the greatest discovery. Oh, they made us edit dick out of the last promo that we submitted.

You should keep that part in the promo. Hey, this is Griffin McElroy. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. And we've got a new podcast on Maximum Fun called Wonderful. Wonderful. It's an enthusiast podcast where we talk about things that we're excited about and things that you're excited about. Things like overalls. 24-hour Sudafed.

The grand prize game. The fact that wombats use their butts to kill predators. The soundtrack to the movie Dick Tracy. The beach potion we call Bud Lightline. All these things and more every Wednesday, and we'll also talk about things that you're excited about. You can find us on MaximumFun.org or iTunes or wherever. I don't know. Just search Wonderful. Google it. You'll probably get there maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist

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