Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 36 - Beef Encounters

Episode Date: June 18, 2018

Cariad Lloyd, Mike Wozniak and Elis James join in for this episode which looks at a success story arising from Beef Encounters, our beef and dairy industry focused dating app. By Benjamin Partridge, Cariad Lloyd, Mike Wozniak and Elis James. Thanks to Mark Turetsky. Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com, Audioline/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

Stick around until the end of the podcast for news about a new live show. Deny knowing you in public. We'll refund your payment in full. And for this month only, new subscribers can claim a 10% discount if they use the code I'MALONE. Beef Encounters. Because if they don't love beef, how can they love you? Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine. And this month, it's a special episode, all courtesy of our partners at Beef Encounters, the leading beef and dairy industry-only dating app. Historically, young singletons in the beef and dairy industries would meet at industry-focused events such as the Young Farmers Union Coming of Age Swimming Gala, the November Meat Harvest Disco, the Whitson Hog Ball, or in more traditional parts of the country, the Pentecost Wife Auctions.

Or sometimes it was a more simple affair, two pairs of young eyes meeting across a busy milking dairy, birthing barn, or insemination parlour. However, in today's more atomised and individualistic world of Netflix, Amazon deliveries, ready meals for one, and hot and cold pornography on tap, the old ways have begun to falter. After hearing about the struggles to find love faced by those in our industry, we here at the network partnered with tech company Data Harvest to create Beef Encounters, and this month, the app celebrates its third birthday. The app has come on a lot in three years and we're always responding to your feedback.

For example, as of this month, your Beef Encounters profile no longer displays your home address or details of the valuable jewellery you keep on your property. And since 2017, users can no longer pay a premium to gain access to your intimate photographs vault. Earlier this week, I was joined by a couple who met using the app. Hello, I'm Tessa, and I am a milkmaid. I am Bob Triscovic, and I am a specialist bovine arse vet. Great, well thank you both for coming in. Now obviously, you're obviously loved up.

Look at the two of you. Oh, can you tell? Yeah, your hands are all over each other. To the degree where it's a little bit uncomfortable for me it's hard for us to contain it it is an exciting time yeah and you've not been together that long no no not long not not well depends on the scale of things but longer than harry and megan it has been whirlwind as they say you have you have been um compared to Harry and Meghan,

people calling you the Harry and Meghan of the beef and dairy world. How does that feel? Well, I mean, wonderful. They are an inspiration to us. And we've been an inspiration to the beef and dairy industry, I think. There's a lot of love-lorn folk

out in the industry at the moment who worry about matching up. And our story, I think, is reassuring for them. Okay, so the reason you're on the show is you've got a big bit of news to share. And I don't know which one of you is going to do the honours. Come on, Bob. Well, we are going to get married. That's very, very exciting indeed.

Which is why we really are the Harry and Meghan of the beef and dairy world. Yeah, and we are the, I believe, your first ever Beef Encounters married couple. That's right. You are the first, as far as we know anyway, you're the first couple that's met on Beef Encounters and is getting married. So thank you for setting up Beef Encounters in the first place, frankly, because I don't know where we'd be without that. We wouldn't be here today, would we?

You're our cupid. Our beefyy cupid we'll talk about the wedding more in a little while i i wanted first really to talk to you about how beef encounters changed your life and and kind of how your life was before you found beef encounters and and and what your love life was like then and i i have the sense that Tessa you found it quite hard it's very hard I mean it's hard being a you know a modern woman in 2018 but adding to that that you do an ancient craft of milk mating it's quite tricky to marry that juxtaposition in a way um because you're working in a very old fashioned way but living in a very fast paced I mean I have wi-fi so you know it's really tricky um and i found it it was very until i met bob oh um it was it was pretty sad and lonely you know i was so just to explain

to the listeners you you call yourself a milkmaid yes i'm a milkmaid and obviously we have an idea of what a milkmaid is in our head that's quite kind of uh stereotypical the kind of uh the the pinny the little stool well that's right that is that you know to be a proper milkmaid you can't walk around with wellies on so you're not using the hydraulic suckers you're no no i am a milkmaid so it's all very organic and yeah you know i use my hands basically why is it that you ended up as a milkmaid do you think it's just i was very good at school and my careers advisor at the time just said tessa i could tell you to be a lawyer but you should be a milkmaid i mean from here i can see those hands are yes they're very null made made for milking yeah they are literally made for made for being a milkmaid um yes i'm

covered i would say 90 of my hand is just sort of toughened skin. And you do pick up, obviously, diseases from the teeth as well. Yes, but it's hard to tell the difference between the calloused parts and the pox. Yes, I'm proud of that. You know, I don't wear gloves. A lot of milkmaids, it's quite a lot of shame, actually, in industry, and they will wear a glove. Sometimes they paint their own hand on the glove, so people don't realise. But I proudly wear my poxed, calloused hands because I am a milkmaid. But it's very difficult to, you know, bring't realize but i proudly wear my pox callus hands because i am a milkmaid but it's very difficult to you know bring that up on a dating situation you can imagine you

know do you think men look at your hands when you're on a date yeah i think it's one of the first things i i know men don't like to admit it bob won't admit it but it's the first thing men check out of course it is your hands of course it is bob you met up with tessa and yeah saw those hands what were your first thoughts when you saw those hands? Well, the hands were pivotal. I mean, when I first saw her on Beef Encounters, I mean, I'd been cowfish before on other dating websites. And when I saw her picture, I thought, OK, here we go again. So I actually asked her to send me a photograph of her hands.

And as soon as I saw the red raw palms and the calluses, and you had quite an acute sort of teat yeast infection under the raw palms and the calluses and there was a you had quite an acute uh sort of a teat yeast infection under the right thumbnail and the webbing and then I knew okay we're dealing with the real deal here um yeah but you obviously Bob it seems like you were looking for someone with those attributes do you think that your average man on the street someone outside of the industry would have the same feelings about your hands Tessa what has happened in the past when people have seen your hands um it's quite upsetting to talk about it but some men have been yeah very very very rude very harsh very judgmental and you know we live in this social media age where everyone wants

instagram friendly hands and you know you want that shot of you holding hands and a lot of men would reject it immediately it's fear of the unknown as well isn't it yeah yeah exactly what it's not just the hand but what what what what does the hand lead to what's up the arm what's you know under the pinny and i'm beneath the pit yeah they were very it was very difficult until i met so i mean bob's the least judgmental person i've ever met he's literally he's he's a jesus figure you know he doesn't judge he turns over tables he's that kind of man well you spend your 10 000 hours up against a cow's ass then you learn a bit of humility sure so bob i mean same question to you before you found uh tessa and beef encounters yeah what was the dating world like for an ass fat well it's

impossible to be honest it's impossible throughout the industry i think and i think people should be seeking love within the industry because people don't understand the level of commitment we have um i mean i saw a bovine arse vet um or you know in you know layman's terms a cow arse vet uh so i'm day-to-day i'm dealing with bovine anal uh hemorrhoids fissures cysts um know, I do have a private practice where I do, yes. Weeping. Weeping. And I do a little bit of arse jazzling these days, you know, this sort of cosmetic.

The cosmetic end of the industry. Yeah, like this kind of tail raiser festival, things like that, people getting involved in that kind of stuff. I'm a specialist, world specialist in the imperforate anus. Sometimes a calf is born without an anus, and then I'm choppered in to fashion a new one. So it's exciting work for me, and it's what I live and breathe is what I think about.

But as I've been told in the past, you know, by a previous wife, you know, my job is disgusting if you're not within the industry. It's shocking. It still makes me so angry that she is still out there alive. Sorry. Well, you've got a number of ex-wives, I believe, Bob. I do. And wives one, two, four, and six all forbade me from talking about work.

And so immediately, you know, I acquiesced to that. And then it was just silence. Silence in the household. Who are you? I've got nothing else to say. It's a huge part of who you are. Yeah, of course. So when you first met Tessa on your first date, which we'll talk about in a moment, and she asked you what you did, were you forthcoming?

Of course, of course. Because beef encounters. I mean, I knew I was dealing with an insider. You know, I haven't lived her life. She hasn't lived mine. But she will have seen us. Vets day to day. She'll be comfortable around them.

I'm comfortable around milkmaids. I've needed them to help me at times you know um we speak each other's language it's so important i i think sometimes people can feel it's quite um cliquey and i can understand that from the outside but because what we do is so difficult to describe sometimes that it's so wonderful to have someone who just understands like you don't know when i say oh you know the teat was doing this bob isn't confused and when bob says oh you know this ass was unbelievable and it was it was so large that i i was almost up it i'm not confused i'm just i get it it's like a part of your relationship you don't have to fight it's just an ease immediately and that's thanks to beef encounters and and going back to what you said about your previous wives, Bob, and saying that they actually forbade you from talking about being an arse vet.

Let's imagine then you went to a wedding with your ex-wife back when you were married and you would be introduced to people you hadn't met before. And they said, oh, what do you do? What would you have to say? If I was with my wife, if it was someone I didn't know, if it was from her side, for example, in the past, I would have to just say I was a vet and hope that they weren't interested in that and that we could move on to other topics. You know, what's going on in the news? I mean, again, I have no chat for that, you know, and if they delve any closer, I mean, I've got to admit I'm passionate.

I get excited. So if someone's pressing me on, what kind of vet? I'm going to be on a cow's anus, know within a few a few short breaths you know and i'm gonna be taking them on a journey up that cow's ass to the secrets beyond because i think it's amazing i think people you know sometimes people are interested but then of course you know with some of these ex-wives they would they would shut it down and it would become a very stilted affair and now you're able to be yourself and it's a wonderful thing to see. And same for you, Tessa. Yes, exactly.

You're not wearing any gloves today. No, no, I don't. As I said, there's a lot of maids, MMs in the business that are pro-glove. But, you know, I'm a lady in 2018. This is who I am. Well, the skin on your hand is so thick now, isn't it? Yeah, I can't get it. You don't even feel the cold, you know, on a snow recently.

I don't use oven gloves as well. just i can just literally pick the tray up i put a roast chicken on sunday didn't i bob remember extraordinary just pick the whole thing up yeah are there any um bovine ass situations in which in which a a claw like hand like that would be helpful oh certainly well because it's not just yeah you're to, she's able to shape it into quite a fine taper despite the thickness and the brawn at the top end of your arm. Because a lot of milkmaiding, you use the top end, don't you, the shoulder joints. It's so, because obviously I've got the yoke. So I'm carrying those two wooden buckets and they leak milk. I mean, it's so, I should change to plastic, but I just can't.

I'm a milkmaid. And so, yeah, I've got a lot of top arm strength. and i think mainly though it's because we work so well as a team so you know bob will say to me you know grab the sphincter and i'm i'm not panicking i'm not disgusted no she's fine jam that arm in there you know we just stop the weeping while i go and get some more kit from the van you know and i've i've been known to to hold a sphincter and carry on milking because I've got two arms. I can do both. I'm a woman multitasker. Before we get back to our interview,

we know that many of you listening don't have access to a smartphone or even a personal computer, especially those of you who receive this podcast as a monthly cassette. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to find love. We've launched a cassette-based strand to the Beef Encounters dating service, Beef Encounters Rewind, where would-be paramours can ring our answer phone and leave a message that will be distributed by cassette

to members across the world. Our first message was left by Beef Encounters Rewind member, Mayrig, a farmer from Wales. Hello, my name is Mayrigg, a farmer, and I'm looking for love. I have about a herd of 250-300 cows, and I would say I am looking for a woman to have a physical side with. I'm 69, but it's very much a part of the relationship, the physical side. So I would like the woman to be strong, physically strong, mentally robust,

skin not bothered as long as she's got plenty of it I suppose skin all over the body hair in the right in the correct places that you'd expect hands I suppose is important

because I think hands are the window to the soul and they teeth are a bonus I've got most of my teeth but I drink so much milk but I drink so much milk, see. I drink so

much milk. It's got to keep a clean farm, so she sees the farm and likes it. But it likes me as well. And, well, I'd be happy there. I'd be happy there. You know, if she

pitches in, she gets stuck in. It's attractive. It's watching a woman work, lifting. I like watching women lift. Tell me about when you first saw each other on the app, when you first joined the app. What was it like first for you, Tessa? Do you remember coming across Bob on the app? Yes, I can't forget it. Well, I been on beef encounters for some time and you know i've met

some you know they're listening i've met some lovely men but nobody special and bob's face came up and you know he he's an honest man and in that profile picture was him and the cow right next to the the cow's ass and it just got me straight away i just thought wow who's this you know and he's an incredibly handsome man i mean it has to be said it's not that i think has been some of the problems with his past wives is that he's very very he's extraordinarily attractive i do turn heads yeah he really does and that can i think that's why women have been drawn to bob and then of course the work has been the conflict whereas you know i'd be attracted to bob without that face i almost love his job as much as him i mean he's you are shockingly attractive for a man who deals in what you do

yeah very unusual very unusual in the beef industry yeah it pestered quite a lot which he was one of the most i mean all the girls knew about bob on beef encounters it got around very quickly and and so bob you must have had the pick of the most popular. I mean, all the girls knew about Bob on Beef Encounters. It got around very quickly. And so, Bob, you must have had the pick of the ladies by the sounds of things. What was it that drew you to Tessa? Well, that's why I deliberately chose a photograph with a cow's arse for contrast there. Was that arse jazzled?

It wasn't jazzled, no. Far from it, in fact. There was a sort of first seborrheic um dermoid cyst and uh so that whittled down some of the the traffic i would have got otherwise i think um and we will match pretty quickly weren't we i mean there's only very few matching data points on the app pretty you know do you like beef um and so on you know what's your favorite kind of beef and you know if your favorite kind of beef is it do they match up and then that sort of beef um algorithm that you've got and um it's very good it does and it does help to whittle out some of the you know i've you know time wasters

yeah exactly that and as a milkmaid you get that a lot people who have something smutty in their heads and don't realize you're a person you know you're not it's a lot of prejudices around a lot of preconceptions around what it is to be a milkmaid yeah and you know they want you to wear the yoke at home and it's ridiculous it's 2018 of course i can't get that amount of wood through a door i mean i could turn around but it's it's huge the yoke is huge and again the buckets leak i can't you know and again or they want you to wear the pinny in bed you know some people are disgusting so because obviously that yoke is a you're wearing it now it's a physical yes oaken yoke yeah that is very heavy but also it feels like to me you're saying that there is a spiritual kind of yoke that you're having to bear which is other people's expectations

what a milkmaid is and yes is it right to say that people think of milkmaid as being quite sexually available yeah it is and i where does that come from do you think i don't know and i find it it's shocking you know it's 2018 just because i'm wearing you know a gathered neckline and it looks a bit like a german barmaid i'm not i'm a professional milkmaid it's different there is a kind of retro appeal to a milkmaid and i'm sorry to know it's a vintage thing which is obviously very popular and yeah you know people want to go back to that time of the 1800s where women were yoked and they just bought you milk it's very comforting and so they want you to do the voice the kind of old style wessex milkmaid yeah you do get some of that definitely i think it's harder for the people in wessex yeah the girls there really suffer because

that's how they talk and then of course people are ringing up the dairy saying oh can i speak to sally and then sally comes on the phone says oh hello it's sally and you can hit you can hear what they're doing you know what they're doing so now to be you know and this is very hard but the men answer the phone at the dairies in wessex because they know they know they want the maids to speak to them wow bob how does that make you feel you know you're going to be the husband of a milkmaid. Did you feel any prejudice coming from your family or your side of things? No, because I've lived in this world for years, so I know the truth of a milkmaid. And it's not been my struggle.

You know, so, you know, I like to think of myself as being woke about the yoke, but I can never fully have insight about, you know, what Tess has been through. But that's why Bob's amazing, because he's listening to me. And that's really important. We were sick of hearing stories of eligible singles in our industry struggling to find love. That's why we started Beef Encounters, the only beef industry-specific dating app that hasn't been entirely hijacked by perverts. We're so sure our app works that if after a month you haven't found a partner, or at least eaten a disappointing Italian meal and drunkenly kissed someone before puking your hot guts onto their shoes,

we'll refund your payment in full. And for this month only, new subscribers can claim a free course of Mitchell's Attract Plus Bovine Pheromone Injections if they use the code JASMYCHEMISTRY. Beef Encounters. Because if they don't love beef, how can they love you? Now, obviously you found love through the site. But there has been some criticism from the kind of the columnists,

the newspaper columnists who look at Beef Encounters and say it's just a kind of morally lax, last days of Rome, kind of online saloon bar where oversexed low-lives get their kicks. No, no, no, no, no, no. Well, there are dating apps like that. As we all know, there's, you know, you've got Rump Roast and Meat Grinder, Tongue Soup. You know, but that's why Beef Encounters is so special because it isn't, you know, that's... Milky Girls is another one.

Yeah, it's catered for. It's catered for. And this is for genuine people looking for long-term companionship, love. Yeah, I think the prejudice against beef encounters is often ignorance. You know, if you go on to Milky Girls or Meat Grinder, you know what you're going for. And Bob has certainly done that in his time. And that's fine. But when he came to Beef Encounters, he was looking for something more serious.

A different point of my life. Yeah, exactly. It's jealousy as well, I think. Yes, so much. Because they're outside the industry and you know you know if you're writing for chicken wrangler monthly or something then you're you can't log in to beef encounters and they try and then you see the profile pictures with the chickens in the background they can't they photoshop them out as well i think why are they there chicken dressed as a tiny cow to make it

look as if it's i mean it's ridiculous immediately i'm like i know who you are you know uh the wheat farmers are the worst they will they turn up on the app oh they i mean the girls talk about it all the time the wheat farmers who will pretend that they work in the beef industry and then as soon as you're on a date and you ask them any questions it's like um well let me tell you about some wheat and you just know straight away what they're up to. It's ridiculous. Marcus, he knows. I mean, I should add, I have spoken to the guys who make Beef and Couches and they are doing what they can to try and filter out these people.

There are good algorithms. It's not their fault. People lie. People lie and they cheat. Well, the app worked for you guys. You met. Yes. Tell us about your first date.

Oh, that was lovely, wasn't it? He was a true gentleman. Well, that was easy normally first dates it's a panic what do i do i don't know anything about this person do i think for dinner theater all that stuff that i'm not really interested in and so we just we went on a beef walk you know and uh i know it's not your site i'm sure you don't mind me saying you know beefwalks.com is fantastic maybe you've used it i don't know and that you know they've got you know maps of you know pretty much every town and city in the country we went to andover did we did their beef walk there you know where there's rice slip there was a quite a good one there is a good one and we've used it a lot since you know there's there's the air museum

where there's an old photograph of like a a tiger moth crashing into a cow yes um sir arthur manderville who lived as a cow for a year in the 17th century. Oh, but I couldn't get Bob out of the gift shop. We have got a full outfit of Arthur Mandeville that Bob likes to wear. He's a big fan. So it was just easy. It was just a common ground starting point.

And then we just hit it off. We just hit it off straight away. And then it was nights in with box sets. Yeah. You know. Yeah. But obsessed with Bankside. Oh, man.

Obsessed. Oh, and you know, when it loads up the next episode, and I say and i say bob we've got to go we've got to get up at five we would watch the whole thing i love we've seen countless times yeah we stuck we just we watched it again didn't we and your your relationship seemed to move quite quickly i moved in with bob after i think it was 10 days yeah Yeah. Yeah, it was very fast. It was, but we just knew. We just knew. It was a step up, wasn't it, from a sort of mezzanine sort of loft in a barn?

Yes, yes, yes. I'm a milkmaid. Your chest was bad at the time. I love sleeping in hay. Of course I do. But yes, obviously with the air pollution. The weevils. So you're now in an actual sort of structure. Yes, I'm in a structure, which I have to say.

Is it weird not living in a barn? Well, you know, I was born in a barn. So so i do i'm always even the doors open which drives bob mad but you know i literally was born in a barn um it's nice actually it's nice and we just we just i i don't know as soon as i moved in and he cooked me my first beef beef bourguignon and it's just you know when you just know something's right. And I have to say, you know, a lot of people are embarrassed to say it, but we are joint partners in all senses of the world. Like it's soulmates, like sexually. And we share the same food taste and literature. And it was incredible to find someone you could speak to on all those levels.

And Bob is, I mean, I can't tell you how good he is in bed. Yeah, that's true. i can't tell you how good he is in bed yeah that's true i can't say it um i've been described as exploratory in the past it's just there's not the words bob that doesn't do it justice do you think being an ass vet helps with that i think it gives you a certain degree of grit i think that's what it is. I think that when you develop the grit that it takes to be an outstanding arse vet, then you have the grit to explore areas of your sexuality that most people would find repulsive. And actually in those dark areas, that's where you find the exquisite joy. He is a giver. He understands a woman's body. And I think that that's because he's wet with cows yeah and you know obviously you know working so closely with with arseholes is um the first thing you really need to learn is that the arsehole is is a part of the whole body you know if you view it purely as an arsehole you're going to be doing some very rudimentary stuff with it but once you realize it's attached you know to the mind and body you know um there's a spiritual element to being an arse doctor it's all one it's

all one and the same and it's the same with them with tessa oh thank you more after this are you hiring posting your position to job sites and waiting and waiting for the right people to see it. ZipRecruiter has revolutionized hiring. Their technology finds great candidates for you. It learns what you're looking for. It identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply for your job. Right now, Netbook members can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash beef. That's ziprecruiter.com slash beef.

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slash beef slash beef so Bob how soon did you know that Tessa was the one how to put it in bovine arse veterinary there is an extremely rare anal cyst known as a dermoid epididymal cyst. It's very peculiar.

And you study it as an undergraduate, but normally you don't come across it. But it's famous within veterinary circles because when you do come across it for the first time in your career you just know and uh that's what it was like with tessa oh bob you know i laid my eyes on her i thought this is she's my cyst and when you when you are training to be a vet and you do find one of those cysts what do you do ah well ironically you actually have to put a ring on it no way you put a tight ring on it and you tighten it to strangulate the lesion um so it falls off itself you can't cut into it because it's full of uh slightly acidic fluid uh that would cause burning of the very sensitive anal skin and so you found your your cyst in tessa and you thought i've got to put a ring on it put a ring on that but not not so she straggles and falls off but so that um yeah and tell me about the proposal tessa oh i i mean you know as a milkmaid you dream of somebody finally accepting you and it doesn't

happen for a lot of milkmaids so um bob took me out into a field and it was surrounded by cows and he got down on one knee and he he just said i love you sorry it was just it was i've never you know i haven't been accepted like that and it was really really beautiful you didn't think that was going to happen in your life i really didn't i really didn't sorry i didn't i didn't think that was going to happen in your life, did you? I really didn't. I really didn't. Sorry, I didn't think I would get emotional about it. Sorry. You know, as a milkmaid, it's very, you know, men have a perception of you and they will do anything to try and keep you in that box. And you have to constantly fight to get out of it. You thought you were going to be left on the stool.

Yeah. I mean, again, you know, that's the thing. People think that's it. Leave her there. What good is she want? She's milked. Do we need her? And Bob has taught me to unyoke myself.

Will we be hearing the pitter-patter of tiny feet? Oh! Yeah, we talk about that, don't we? We do talk about it. We want a big family, a working family. Yeah, I mean, I've got a lot of work to do and so have you so it'd be helpful to have people to you know give help her little hands on teats that's the sound we want to hear yeah tiny hands on on big teats and perhaps you know we get to the day where my son can be a milkmaid and my daughter can be an ass vet do you think we'll see that

that day oh i it's fair it's hard who am i a milkmaid. So the least a generation away, isn't it? Let's hope that's all it is. Maybe we can be part of that journey. How would you feel, Bob, seeing your son becoming a milkmaid? We've talked about this very carefully, haven't we? I would fully, fully support it. There wouldn't be any of that bullshit of do what you want, but I'd be disappointed.

None of that. Just whatever he chooses. If that's what he wants to do yeah yeah i'll take him out and i'll buy him his first stool myself yeah no problem no you will know and some people have been quite cynical in the press about this that the only reason you're getting married is because there's a competition on the counters app to win when you're waiting beef for the first couple that get married and we didn't even know about that competition i mean we knew we didn't know about it i mean yeah it's haters are always

going to hate yes aren't they and i don't think that's actually been prompted by us there's that couple in northampton isn't there who've they cynically tried to announce that they got in touch on beef encounters and they were going to get married before our date and and then it it turned out that you know one of them wasn't even working in the beef industry at all tom and on beef encounters and they were going to get married before our date and and then it it turned out that you know one of them wasn't even working in the beef industry at all tom and jessica let's just call it out yeah it was a carrot picker it's a carrot picker from norfolk and we know that yeah and that kind of attitude and the trolling that you know jessica then tried to set up i mean she's a milkmaid i'm for another maid to do this to me they really went for us um on social media

and it was really disappointing. But this is the thing, when you have success in your life, whatever it may be, whether it be career or in love, people will do that too. So we're going to rise above that. Bob had sex with Jessica as well,

which made it, I think, that complicated things. I think I've got plenty to offer a woman because I've got 40 pens. They just acquire them. You just acquire them. I don't know where or why. And then, yeah,

you know, paper and pen in the house. She wants to draw something. I don't know if women do. Women draw nowadays. They do as children do. I remember little girls in school drawing, but I don't know if women, like adult women draw. I don't know. women, like adults, women draw. Do they?

Why, I don't know. We can cross this bridge when we come to it. What I like to do is look at old maps. So she's willing to look at old maps and in complete silence. And I think we could be a right pair, you know, like a right good little pair and

two of us looking at old maps in silence and we'll shake hands and then we'll get married probably you've got my number so if you think

that you can make an old man very happy then and yeah yeah yeah yeah anyway all the best now take care

God bless ta-ra so Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, all the best now. Take care. God bless. Ta-ra. So, where's my invite? Well, it'll be in the post. You betcha. Have you organised the wedding? We've bits of it, haven't we? Yeah, we're getting there.

Yeah, we're getting there. The rings I've done. Yeah, Bob's done the ring. I have to keep that in the fridge, obviously, because it's rotting. I had to separate Siamese twin cows a few years ago. So I've had that very special anus in formaldehyde for a while now. And finally, I've got a use for it. I've got a friend who's a jeweller who's going to, you know,

it's in the fridge now, but he's going to come and sort of slice that into two. So those cows are joined by the anus? By one single anus that we are now, that I've kept. So we're going to separate that anus into two rings and have them cast in uh in welsh gold yeah it's absolutely beautiful and i've obviously i'm very excited about about the dress and i'll be wearing the yoke so i'm talking to designers about you know functioning that in it's it's tricky it's really tricky your bridesmaid was born just a couple of weeks ago wasn't she a lovely beautiful jersey calf uh that's going to accompany you up the aisle and then uh we'll slaughter her afterwards

and uh spit roast and to be honest either girls are working i mean my team we are full-time because you can imagine the amount of milk we're gonna need for a wedding oh man unbelievable so we are just we are you know because obviously we had hydraulic it would take us a day but it's going to take us probably six months i think and and And I hear, anyway, you're going to be going up the aisle with the two full wooden pails of milk. Yes, as is traditional. Milkmaids always go up with a full bucket. You don't want to get married with an empty bucket.

It's bad luck, obviously. And you're given away by your own yoke, aren't you? Yes, my yoke is welcoming me up the aisle. Obviously, we said earlier, they are calling you the Harry and Meghan of the beef and dairy world is the wedding going to match up? There'll be a few differences

and a few similarities I'm riding in on a cow I think she came in on a Rolls Royce and she's I'll be coming in on a cow They have their wedding night

don't they in milkmaid you know agricultural circles as the cow pox embrace and they wait 48 hours we embrace

so that any pox is shared traditionally it goes back hundreds of years i mean you haven't had cowpox for ages but no but bob will get my immunity yeah so it's a constant embrace for 48 hours and then all the milkmaids cheer and um they're a bawdy bunch aren't they they are a bawdy bunch they are quite wild whatever the stereotypes are they are a fun old gang. They really are. So they'll be cheering. And then they chase through the village and they look for a man to attack and claim as their own, which is, I know. So watch out.

See the girls. See the girls. Well, often these days it's a straw man, isn't it? But we might do the real deal. We might do the real deal. Yeah. As you know, it's traditional, you know, chase down, find a man. He becomes a milkmaid.

He has to live as a milkmaid for the rest of his life. So I actually think, I think the villagers are a bit excited about it. I think a few men will be walking a bit slowly that day. And will he be throwing the beef bouquet? Yes, of course. Yes. I'm actually having, because I'm modern, it's going to be a bacon and beef bouquet. Yeah.

Well, she's inclusive, you see. Yeah. Okay. So we are beef purists ourselves but there is a small section of your family that are they do eat pork and you know german yeah and we this it's largely a beef mince isn't it oh yeah it's a beef bouquet but the we want to say the bacon and you know because we have experienced so much prejudice we just want to be inclusive like it's that one token gesture isn't it yeah it's not i'm not having any carrots like my god i'm not mad no and the the l word isn't going to be mentioned

no thank you bar bar no thank you very much and if they try and storm the wedding my milk girls will be after them so watch out and bob your uh arse vet colleagues will no doubt be at the wedding oh yeah yeah yeah we've got the stag uh the night before and uh they're they're a great gang actually there won't actually be too many arse specialists there there's fred glanning who was my mentor back in the day uh who taught me that you know which end of an anus was which um but there's i've got you know i've got a hoof mate uh tongue specialist uh hide guy um there's uh there's a friend of mine called susan who's been specializing in tails for a long time we've worked together very closely so it's not just lads lads lads um but uh yeah that's

going to be a pretty heavy duty night you're all worried about the uh the stag party tessa and no i know susan and fred particularly very well and they have they've been so supportive of this union and us getting together and you know this is wedding number what is it bob seven seven for bob so they've been through it before i think any mischief bob has got way out of his system. They'll gristle dunk me. Oh, they will gristle dunk you. Oh, my God.

Please don't come home full of gristle. But that's just because they can never believe how much gristle I can get down me. Oh, gosh. Yeah, it'll probably be the four-gallon drum this time, I expect. They'll be downing six pints of whole milk as soon as he gets home. It's the only way to deal with it. Well, yeah, maybe not. Bob, of course, you've got to have six pints of milk. I keep telling you this.

I could do six pints of milk. I could do ten pints of gristle. What do you mean you couldn't do six pints of nothing? That's nothing. That's what you give to babies is six pints of whole milk. No, I know, just because the volume is fine. It's just I'm not that keen on milk. Sorry, what?

I've told you that. You're comfortable with that. No, you haven't told me that. What do you mean? Of course I've told you that. You're comfortable with that. No, you haven't told me that. What do you mean? Of course I've told you that. What do you mean, my keen? I'm not massively keen on... Not massively keen?

Milk. I like cheese and yoghurt. I just... Milk itself, I just find a bit... A bit what? Go on. A bit what? It's just a thickness.

For a drink. Do you know what? I actually like milkshake. Actually, if you push it a bit thicker... Milkshake is thicker than milk. Yeah. How can you say milk is too thick? What is wrong with you?

Who doesn't like milk? It's an uncomfortable halfway point for me. Is this about your mucus? No, it's not to do with my... I've told you the dairy is not affecting me. That is a lie against the dairy industry. I don't... It's not...

I do prefer to have a bit of grapefruit juice to strip the mucus. I told you about this. We've talked about this. Sorry, I don't know. Sorry, sorry, no, it's fine. We've talked about this some of the time probably. I don't know what we're going to drink at the wedding then. We have talked about it.

We're drinking, everyone's literally drinking sparkling milk as soon as we get married. That's fine, that's fine. They can drink, I was just going to say. What are you going to drink? Some grapefruit juice? I was going to bring it, I was going to bring it. You're going to toast your milkmaid bride with some grapefruit juice bob that'll be refreshing for everybody won't it fred was gonna bring me some fizzy beef wine so i thought i

thought that'd be nice can you imagine what the girls are gonna say if i turn up with some so we can have bacon in in your in your beef bouquet we are having three who isn't even alive but we can't have fizzy beef wine she was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life now i would not be here if it wasn't for carl nussberg saved her life god bless him and i've told you i'm fine with having a bit of bacon three sheeps not the same i've said that's fine so why can't in return i have a little bit of fizzy beef wine on the table two or three bottles what's that or three. It's gone from one glass to two or three bottles. Oh, come on, because I'm not the only one who's going to drink it. Who else is drinking fizzy beef wine? Susan!

Well. I cannot. Sorry. Susan. She gets belchery if she has too much milk. You know that perfectly well. It's what we'll be drinking on the stag do, alright? Sorry, I'm really, I'm really, I'm actually going to need a a minute i'm actually going to just go outside and just yeah just so just yeah just we'll just leave her for a second now bob you were actually

married to susan for a while weren't you briefly do you think this is what this is about i don't know i don't think so we've talked through all that. This isn't going to go in the thing, is it? No. Yeah, briefly. Briefly. Twelve years, twelve and a half. Kids? A couple of kids, but I haven't actually got around to telling Tessa about that yet, because they're

big now. They've grown up. One's in South Africa. The other one's in prison in Florida. Anyway, so... Oh, here we go. Do I need to... Sorry about that. You okay?

No, that's okay. No, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Because emotions can come to the surface around weddings, can't they? Yeah, they really can. I just... I just text the girls, so... Susan better watch her back.

Oh, come on. She's on the stagag do she counts as a man okay also maria's just texted me to say you're back on beef encounter she said she just matched with you no i just okay bob have you not taken i thought i had it's probably just a direct debit thing you had no i wait i'm getting married in like i'm not on it the app's not on my phone i promise i'll show you okay yeah so it's just in that is that a text from Susan

yeah but I didn't know it was there it's just in the third page of the app why is there that many emojis it's just there with the weather one and with wallet

I didn't that is a lot of hearts it's probably just a virus or something look I'll delete it now I don't it's just an oversight well it's been it's been such a pleasure talking to you to meet a couple so obviously Look, I'll delete it now. I don't... It's just an oversight.

Well, it's been such a pleasure talking to you. To meet a couple so obviously in love. Thank you. When do we get the beef? I think you get the beef the night of your wedding. The night of our wedding. Think about that. So, an absolute pleasure talking to you

and best of luck thank you thank you I look forward to coming to the wedding yeah thank you for the invite yeah

and just if if there's anyone out there who's thinking about joining Beef Encounters do you have any words of yeah just put maybe think think very hard long and hard about

what you want you should think long and hard about what you want and whether you are willing to be honest. Look, can we just go and get a brisket or something and have a chat?

If you drink some milk with me, then yeah. All right, skimmed. You know that's not milk. You know it's not milk. It's water. It was invented. It was for fuck's sake. A big thanks to Tessa and Bob for that interview.

Since I met them, they have informed me that their wedding has been postponed. And so that offer still remains. You're waiting beef for the first couple from the app to get married. It could be you. As for me, I of course will never marry a woman or man, for I am already married to the most loyal partner a person could ask for. A partner who's always there for me, who sees me for who I really am. A partner who was there before I was born and will be there long after I die. A partner who knows my secrets and keeps no secrets from me. Who isn't afraid of anything. Who always knows what I need.

My first thought every morning, and my final thought at night. Sure, I've never said, I do, at an altar. I've never got in a fancy car with a flower in my buttonhole. I've never cut a cake, made a speech. But I am married. I am. I'm married to be. Let's count the meat. How many meats are there in the universe? One. Two. One... Two... Three...

Let's count the meats. How many meats are there in the... How many meats are there in the universe? Four. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... So, that's all we've got time for this month. But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as a guide to the new breeds of cow coming out of the emerging economies of the Far East, and our off-topic section,

where this month, Matt LeBlanc tells us about five times he met someone, and he thought he hadn't met them before, but actually he had. So, until next time, beef out. Beef out! if you live in London or somewhere near enough that you could travel there to watch a live podcast recording then we are doing one we're doing the London Podcast Festival it's on the 16th of September at 2pm that's a Sunday and it's taking place at King's Place in King's Cross

tickets are available from the King's Place website just search for King's Place on Google or search for London Podcast Festival or I'll put a link on our Twitter and Facebook. And if you have trouble, send us an email at beefanddairynetwork at gmail.com. Tickets are £12.50, and we've been there the past two years, and we've sold out both times.

So if you definitely want to come, make sure you get your tickets sooner rather than later. And they always tend to be fun shows, So it'd be great to see you there. All right, bye. Fairhaven's a city in a bubble, an actual bubble. It keeps the monsters out, most of them anyway. I never liked the look of movies on Blu-ray.

For my money, Betamax is the superior format. I'm thinking of deleting Facebook and going back to Myspace. As far as beverages go, I'm just kind of over water. Though I guess at any given party you're going to meet some dudes like that. Even if you're not in the middle of a nightmarish wasteland. Bubble, the sci-fi comedy from MaximumFun.org. Just open your podcast app and search for Bubble.

Hey, everybody. Hal Lublin and Mark Gagliardi from We Got This here to talk about our upcoming live shows. Why don't you tell everybody the details about our show in Philadelphia? Sure. Here's what you're going to do. You're going to go down to Philadelphia Improv Theater, okay? okay i'm gonna do it on saturday june 23rd okay

there are two shows one is five o'clock show there's an eight o'clock show at eight o'clock show you can get a vip ticket and hang out with us at 7 p.m for like a whole hour we'll sign something for you you can hang out you can talk to us and then come see a show both shows are gonna be completely different, though. Both shows? Both shows are going to be different. I sounded like a British actor trying to do a Philadelphia accent. You can look up Philadelphia Podcast Festival. You can look that up and get tickets there.

Or you can go to Philadelphia Improv Theater to the Phit Theater, P-H-I-T, and you can get tickets there. Or you can just go direct at bit.ly forward slash WeGotPhilly2018. That's W-E-G-O-T-P-H-I-L-L-Y 2-0-1-8. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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