Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 39 - Live At London Agrimedia Con 2018

Episode Date: September 23, 2018

Dave Cribb, Mike Wozniak, Nadia Kamil and Tawny Newsome join us for this live episode, recorded at this year's London Agrimedia Con. By Benjamin Partridge, Dave Cribb, Mike Wozniak, Nadia Kamil and Tawny Newsome. Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast live is sponsored by Granium, the new nutritional sand from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Drum roll, please. If you look under your seats, you'll find a free mini sachet of Granium. That's right. You get Granium and you get Granium and you get Granium and you get granium. That's right, you get granium, and you get granium, and you get granium, and you get granium. Only joking, it's illegal in the European Union. There is nothing under

your seat. Enjoy the show. Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. This edition of the podcast is a very special one, as it's being recorded in front of a live audience! At the annual London Agri-Media Con, the foremost convention for those involved, or just interested,

in the agricultural media. The convention, of course, is sponsored by Mitchell's Europe. If it's not Mitchell's Europe, go on strike. In the modern era, the convention has played host to guests from across the world of the agricultural media, including in recent years, a number of podcasts,

including Crop-Based Phenomenon Serial, including crop-based phenomenon cereal, familial bullfighting smash My Dad Smote a Horno, meat-based conspiracy podcast No Such Thing as a Fish, and long-standing American favourite This Agrarian Life. And of course, a world of camel-breeding tips from Dromedary Bang Bang. This is an edited recording of our recent live show at london agri media con where we were joined by some fantastic guests including bovine arse vet bob triscothic he first became known to beef and dairy network members a

couple of months ago when he appeared on an episode about the dating service beef encounters and as a result of his appearance on that podcast, he's been signed up by Channel 5 to host his own show, Vet in a Helicopter. To tell us about this latest chapter in his life, please welcome leading bovine arse vet, Bob Truscothick. Thank you. Thank you. Bob, thanks for coming in.

Thanks for having me. Congratulations on the new TV show. Great. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, it's very exciting. Best in the helicopter. Have you been in a helicopter before? I had never been in a helicopter before. I'd seen them about, obviously, so I knew the deal. So it's been a very steep learning curve for me. Yeah, the whole thing's very exciting.

Before we talk about that, I want to turn the clock back a bit. So talk to you about how you got here today. And when you were first training to be a vet, what was it about a cow's anus that you find so compelling that you chose it to be your specialist subject as a vet? The cow is the only mammal, apart from ourselves, that can't lick its own anus. And as a result, you know, it develops essentially that can't lick its own anus.

And as a result, you know, it develops essentially a kind of micro ecosystem there. It has to be quite a self-sufficient place. But if you're examining a cow's arse, you know, so many times I've been sitting in a cow shed and you have to wait, you have to close one eye. And as you let the other eye adjust to the gloom, to the shadow areas and the contours of the anus, you just have to wait.

And that moment of tranquility is like no other piece I've ever found in any other sphere of life. It's absolutely magical being right up there. There was some surprise here from people when you mentioned it's the only animal that can't lick its own anus. Because obviously what a lot of people don't know is that a giraffe actually was a cow that just evolved to be able to do that that's right

that's right and it wasn't uh it wasn't necessary for survival you know there's obviously sort of turns darwin's theory right on his head doesn't it yeah yeah it's just certain corners of the earth where you can really thrive if you can lick your ass and sort of fold yourself into looking like a giant sort of orangey sort of hope uh so predators just uh just pass you by i don't want to sour the uh the atmosphere but is there ever an ass that you can't save you can always save the assse. You can't always save the cow. Anus transplant, the next step of the ladder, or an impossible dream.

I mean, literally a pipe dream. No. No, no. Stuff is happening. Traditionally, if we needed to fashion a brand new anus to avoid immune problems, we would take a bit of vocal cord and fashion the new anus out of that, which works brilliantly,

but it can end up, you can have a bunch of kind of, sort of a field of cattle that just sound like kind of baritone cats. But they are, you know, there are, the Vienna Institute is looking into how to successfully, they can fashion them,

but it's grafting them on. At the moment, they're at the stage where they're able to graft them onto small rodents and that kind of thing. Bats, mostly bats. There's a lab in Vienna where there's a bunch of bats that have got cow's arseholes on them. And they are waiting to work out what to do with them. they are waiting to work out what to do with them and the big question is how do we get we know where we want the anuses to go what's the sign how do we get from back with anus to anus on the yeah there's a big big question that people haven't quite managed to work out yet but fingers crossed could you ever use uh like a cheap calamari ring oh i have done yeah i, yeah. I have done, and I mean, that's, you know...

Maybe from Pizza Express. It's two sides of the same coin, isn't it? You know, because in the same way that Pizza Express have, you know, allegedly used cow's arses for calamari rings. And so vets around the world, vets in need, you know, you know, veterinarians sans frontieres, you know, they'll use anything they can get their hands off. OK, well, let's talk about vets in a helicopter helicopter pretty exciting stuff very weekly on channel five on the chopper

going to help people how's the filming been it's been it's been intense it's been it was problematic uh to begin with so a few teething problems the the idea of the show is that you know someone will ring in with a farmer who needs a bit of help you know maybe they've noticed their farmer's a bit skint and they've got some very tatty anuses in the field. So what we did, we bought an old decommissioned Chinook from the RAF and painted it to look like a jersey, which is great. It's fantastic.

And the idea is that it lands and the ramp comes out the back, which we fashioned it like an absolutely massive anus. And I come out of that sort of anus. But the first thing we discovered, it's very hard to land a Chinook helicopter in a field full of cattle without creating exactly the sort of problems

that you would require a vet for urgently. Or a chef. Yeah. So a few teething problems yeah a couple of a couple of them i've gone all right you know we we did one recently with a guy in lancashire we sort of tricked him the farmer and we told him that we sort of sent a fake letter that the bank needed to see him because he was going to lose his home and uh so he went in to the local towns who's gone for the day and by the time he came up he was very confused and tearful uh because the bank wasn't even open and uh by the time he came back he came back and we we cemented up fissures uh we put back in prolapses we had

put down about 13 of his cows but uh that was sort of necessary and we took the bill for that and he was absolutely thrilled i I think. Great. Thanks for coming. There's a couple of things now. It's been a very cheerful exchange so far. Since your TV shows were announced, there's been some scrutiny of you by the tabloids. Obviously, they've dug the dirt on you.

And I wonder if you can just confirm or deny some of the things that have been written about you. The Daily Mirror reported you once apparently hit a lollipop lady with an iron fire extinguisher. Yeah, but that wasn't unprovoked. She lives near my... Doris Merriweather is her name. If you live near me, she's an absolute nightmare. She doesn't let like five kids through. She lets like sort of 80 kids through at a time.

And it wasn't a full-size fire extinguisher. It was just like the little ones you have to take in your car if you go to France, right? And I just chucked it at her. And it didn't even hit her. She whacked it back with the lollipop and chipped my windscreen.

It's interesting you mention France there. Another one. In a fit of rage, you once shot a German taxi driver. Not a fit of rage, you once shot a German taxi driver. Not a fit of rage. A misunderstanding, my German is very poor, and I thought he asked me to do it. Local police were absolutely satisfied with that.

And finally, the son claims that you believe that your parents are both floating, disembodied, mystical anuses made of pure energy. Yeah. Okay. So before we go, I'm sure many audience members will have questions of a veterinary nature. I think we've got a question from a Sarah Peacock from Hull. Hello, Sarah. Hello.

I'm Sarah Peacock from Hull, as you know. We've covered that I bought a horse off a guy in my book group But it turns out not to have a spine When I call him up It rings through to the answer phone And when I go to the address he gave me It's just a pile of tyres Okay Yeah there's There's a lot of this about at the moment

it's a latvian issue um where they uh they're building a new super canal and a horse's spine is the perfect length to measure the correct depth um so they're using them and they've got a lot of spare horses and often they'll give them a they've got a lot of spare horses. Often they'll give them a sort of a temporary inflatable spine and people are selling them off. And you should have been told explicitly that you had a horse with a temporary inflatable spine

rather than the proper one. And it may be that he's not avoiding you, this guy. You say he's got a, it just looks like a pile of tires. So I mean, try again. Actually see if someone's in because my house looks like that. Great, thank you. Actually see if someone's in, because my house looks like that. Great, thank you.

Sarah, does that help? Yeah, I'll go back. I'll have another look. Great, thank you. And finally, Barry Robbins from Bristol. There he is, Barry Robbins. Hello, Barry. Hello, Barry Robbins from Bristol here.

I don't feel like my duck is trying. You don't feel like your duck is trying. You don't feel like your duck is trying? That's right. Ducks. I mean, it's been absolutely years since I've treated a duck. Do you mean it's let itself go a bit? That's right, yeah, let itself go. It's a common thing.

From what I remember from my vet school days is there is not an uncommon congenital condition ducks are born with. Some ducks are born with inverted eyes um so they think everything is upside down um so every time they're trying to sort of you know find a breadcrumb or whatever in that's floating in the water they'll actually take off um and every time they're trying to wash their face or whatever the same thing and if they're you know trying to fly up to join some other ducks in the sky uh they'll they'll just dive um so eventually they just do they just give up because they're trying to fly up to join some other ducks in the sky, they'll just dive. So eventually they just give up because they're confused.

So it's probably something like that. Is there anything Barry can do? No. Okay. Well, thank you, Barry. Thank you. I guess that's not very hopeful for you. Well, no, he's got it right, but there's nothing he can do. No.

Thank you for that accent, Barry. Thank you for that accent, Barry. A couple more quick ones. We've got Hayley Oakes from Swansea. Hayley Oakes from Swansea. Oh, yeah, all right. I've got a question. I've got two gerbils.

They aren't doing it. Right. Two gerbils. Yeah. I got them. Yeah. They're not doing it. I'd just get some new gerbils, is what I would advise. Generally speaking with gerbils, with any disease

the treatment is to get a new gerbil. Thank you, Hayley. And finally, we've got Stacey Renato from Los Angeles. Stacey, have you got a... Hey, what's up? Hi. So whenever I come in from ripping a giant wave off the coast of Venice Beach here in Los Angeles, there's these raccoons.

They live on my trash cans behind my bungalow apartment. And these raccoons, they're there every day. And when I show up, they clearly don't recognize me. I just feel like I live here. I'd like some familiarity. You know what I mean? What should I do to, like, endear them to me?

So you've got frosty raccoons. Yeah, they're cold as ice, babe. Yeah, which is very commonplace. Do you mind me asking, first of all, what kind of wax are you using on your surfboard? Oh, gotta use buff top wax. Okay. All the time, man. Number one in theboard? Oh, gotta use buff top wax. Okay.

All the time, man. Number one in the pit. Okay, well, that's encouraging. That shouldn't be a bit of a problem at all. If you could, next time you wax your surfboard, scatter in a few breadcrumbs and some trash, okay, to give it a bit of texture. And the raccoons will like that.

There'll be a nice tasty snack. Bring them surfing. Oh, okay. With raccoons, it's down to you to offer the hand of friendship. So you want me to bread my surfboard like an eggplant parmigiana. That's right. Yes, exactly. Our sort of cheese on toast of the sea.

And then, yeah, they'll be very excited and give that a go. And let me know what happens if you get on or any other outcomes because no one has ever taken a raccoon surfing before. That's right uh ladies gentlemen thank you very much uh bob scott everyone please uh a big round of applause for bob thank you thank you

now before we meet our next guest it's time for a listener letter we received a number of letters this month in response to the big question on our website. How much do you spend on beef? We had many replies to this on the website, but this one really caught our eye. Mark from Yorkshire writes, I no longer have any money to spend on beef. I was made redundant last week,

having worked without a day off for 50 years straight. And when I say worked, I don't mean the sort of thing that counts as work these days, like inventing apps or making coffee or being a doctor. No. I mean proper work, hard graft, getting up at five in the morning and wanking off pigs non-stop until 3pm. Every day pulling away at their weird little todgers. That's proper work you can be proud of. It ruined my marriage

of course. You can't look at your wife in the eye when you've spent all day pulling off pigs and collecting their spunk in a bucket. You just can't. Anyway, last week the manager, a sour-faced woman called Anne, came into the wanking parlour and said, Graham, put down that semi-engorged pig's phallus. You're sacked.

And I said, why? And she said, Have you ever wondered what we do with all the buckets of spunk, Graham? And I said, no, I'm much too busy jacking off all these pigs to worry about that. Anne looked worried and said, The business is in trouble, so we've brought in a hotshot American business consultant to try and turn everything round. She knows everything there is to know about business, apart from why M&M's have persisted with those adverts with the red and yellow M&M's.

I get that the yellow one is the dopey one, but what is the red M&M's personality meant to be? Like, just a dickhead, is it? And then this American woman came in, all high heels and expensive clothes. Looked like she'd never even seen a pig's cock. Much less stimulated it to climax.

Listen, Graham, I've done an exhaustive time and motion study of this business, and put it this way, you spend a lot of time doing the same motion. That's right, I said. I'm proud of it. But my study also shows that after you fill the buckets and put them on the conveyor belt, they go into the room next door and then nothing. They've just been piling up in there for 50 years. I have to say, it is one of the worst rooms I've ever been into.

And I've had a tour of Mike Pence's house. What? I said, you mean to say I've been wanking off pigs eight hours a day for 50 years for absolutely no reason whatsoever? That's correct, Graham. You know, the guy in the next room who was meant to, I don't even know what he was, I guess, process all the pig sperm, he died in there 49 years ago. That's right, there's also a dead guy in there.

I really cannot stress enough how bad that room is. And on top of that, even if he were alive, it's really not clear to me what you guys were planning on doing with all the pig semen. I mean, especially given that this is John Lewis. I pleaded with them both, but my fate was clear for all to see. I'm sorry, Graham. You've wanked off your last pig. In a professional capacity at least Financially I've been ruined When I was working I was paying into beef pension

Every week a little bit of beef was put aside When I was made redundant my financial advisor gave me the key to the garage Where he'd been stockpiling the beef for all that time When I got there I was met with a gigantic pile of rancid beef. It was almost as bad as the room full of vintage pig semen and a dead guy, but not quite. So I'm not really sure what the moral of my story is, to be honest. All the best, Graham.

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In a world where meat was banned, only one man could stand up to the state. Oh my god! Somebody help me! They're taking my family meat! Be quiet! Hand over your meat and you can be on your way. Never! You monster! I know Slash Beef will save me! Slash Beef? He's just a myth. Did somebody order beef? Oh my god! Slash Beef! That's right. I'm Slash Beef.

Slash Beef? Slash Beef? Slash Beef. Slash Beef? Slash Beef? Slash Beef? Slash Beef? Slash Beef?

That's right. I'm Slash Beef. Hey, Slash Beef! If you're here saving me, what have you done with our newborn child, Glengerman? Uh, oh no. Did you leave Glengerman home alone? Baby Beef. That's really awful parenting. Well, at least I'm not stealing meat on behalf of a corrupt government. You're a

disgrace. I wonder who Glengerman thinks is more of a disgrace. Me, or you, his neglectful father. Glenn German! Glenn German! I'm slash beef. Supercruiser.com slash beef. Our next guest caused a media storm earlier this year when her story was splashed on the front pages of all the agricultural press.

Sisters Marcy and Patty Redrow were involved in a tragic accident last year and both died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. They were later revived by medical professionals, but they both claimed that while they were medically dead, they visited heaven. Their description of heaven contains some startling claims. One, that God is a middle-aged Australian man. And secondly, and more obsessingly,

that there is no beef in heaven. For realsies. Patty won't speak to the press, but her sister is here. Please welcome Marcy Redrow. Hello. Hi, thank you. Marcy, thank you for coming.

Thank you so much for having me. Now, everyone will know this, but I guess just in case people don't, tell us again how you died. Oh, gosh. Okay, so it's a little embarrassing, but I was running the beef popsicle store that my sister and I run, and we have this big freezer because of all the beef popsicles.

And so I went in in it she went in it after me and then we got trapped so we froze to death right and then one day someone did open the door from the outside because it it wasn't locked it was just you know like a door that's hard to push and you think like i did push it and they're like no it's fine and someone else comes and it's not that they're stronger it's just that like maybe you were thinking about something else when you were like you tried and you were like no i did it's locked and then you just succumbed to death whereas someone else was just more focused so when did when did you know that you had actually died? Because that's something that none of us have been through.

You haven't? No. You look it. Thank you. Yeah, so I guess we knew that we were dead. I mean, you know, Patty's more susceptible to things than me, so she notices things more. I was just like, I don't have any cell service,

so what's going on? Because T-Mobile, I guess, doesn't reach heaven or something like so you just kind of appeared in this heavenly place yeah it was what's it like is it like is it like earth in any way um sort of it was very pretty it was kind of like um boring though it was like a big field have you ever been to a place where there's like just grass and like not even hills all the time yeah yeah so like imagine that like just an air just like a giant lawn you know like no one and like not even hills all the time yeah yeah so like imagine that like just an air just like a giant lawn you know like no one no one's even playing a game on here there's no picnic there's no couples like i'm thinking they're on a date but really they're like about

to break up that's my favorite part of a grassy area is just like looking at eventual relationships demise there was nothing up there except like a guy like god i guess you guess yeah i mean he wasn't there wasn't much to write home about honestly he was a little dull like you said in in the in the interviews you did with the papers he's australian yeah i did i picked that up from his accent and from his backpack and from how much he drank i wouldn't stop talking about traveling so much so before this, were you religious before? Did you have any kind of religious belief? Did you have any preconceived ideas

about what heaven would be like? I guess before, it's not that I wasn't religious. I mean, one time I ran into a Catholic church because I was doing a scavenger hunt with my friends when I was young. And I ran in there and head first, I knocked my head against the holy water thing

and I passed out for like 10 hours and nobody found me. So I guess, yeah, you could say I was pretty religious. And obviously the big thing that the papers were big on again was that in your experience, at least there was no beef of any kind in heaven. No, no, there wasn't. It was a sad revelation for me. There was just like chicken and pork and all the other meats there was a lot of fish there was spaghetti there were vegetables do you want me to name all the foods there were yeah keep going it was all of them except beef there were um there was candy there were um there were oranges there was salad there was um arugula there was just other lettuces there were beans

there were legumes there were like you know f fava beans. There were olives. There were capers. There were, like, it was like that limoncello stuff that I'm like, is this alcohol? Can kids have this? I don't really get it. There was violet crackle. There was PB&J sandwiches. There were pickles. There were gherkins. There was herring. No beef, though. Now, obviously, you didn't stay there very long.

You were revived by the team. And were you sort of happy to be back? Because obviously some people, you know, would rather stay in heaven forever, if possible. Yeah, I was mainly happy to be back because obviously some people you know would rather stay in heaven forever if possible yeah i was mainly happy to come back because kim kardashian came out with the lipstick nudes line and i really wanted to try it um and they are very good lipsticks they're cream they're not like a matte lipstick but they're not too glossy you know so you don't look like i don't know someone from 1992 like victoria beckham or something remember when her lips were so glossy all the time well kim has really mastered like the mixture of gloss and matte

and it's a cream form so it's moisturizing but it's not too distracting. So mainly I was happy to not stay dead so I could witness this time in history. Great.

Well, best of luck to you. Thank you for coming along. Ladies and gentlemen, please, big round of applause for Marcy. Thank you. Try those lipsticks. Ladies and gentlemen, please, big round of applause for Marcy. Thank you. Try this lipstick. That's it.

When my time is up and the kingdom come And I go up to see my mum and dad and Phil and uncle Pete can I take a steak for us to eat can I take a steak for us to eat and when daddy comes running from his cloudy house Will sweet beef juices drip from his mouth With Jesus, God and the Holy Spook I wanna eat beef until my dead self pukes I wanna eat beef until my dead self pukes So bury me with my beef

Down in the earth with the twigs and leaves Cause when I go up in the ejector seat I wanna be eating that holy meat When I sing along with the angelic choir I wanna dunk some beef in a deep fat fryer If you wanna know, I'm gonna keep it brief Heaven for me is a big plate of beef Heaven for me is a big plate of beef

So bury me with my beef Down in the earth with the twigs and leaves Cause when I go up in the ejector seat I wanna be eating that holy meat Dear God, there are so many questions we have for you. If the Garden of Eden was so good, why was there an evil snake there? What's going on

with Mel Gibson? Why are those M&M adverts like that? What is the deal with the red M&M? Is he just a dickhead or what? But really,

we want only one answer. Is there beef in heaven? Is there beef in heaven? Maybe we'll never know. And is there beef in heaven? Because if there is, then I'll go. Then I'll go Now, at every London Agri-MediaCon, money is raised for a good cause. This year's event is raising money for Action on Wells,

a charity which hopes to raise awareness about the danger posed by wells. Sure, they may provide us with life-giving water, and are also useful to hang someone over to take them down a peg or two. But could it be that they're actually a dangerous menace? To speak to us from the charity, please welcome Alison Beverley, a representative from Action on Wells. Hello everyone. Alison, thanks for coming. I have to say, this caught me by surprise, actually. Are wells really that big a problem in the modern age? Yes, they are. And the way you phrase that is indicative of something that really

upsets me. This idea people have that the danger posed by wells is something in the past and not a modern reality that ruins lives in today's world. It's not an old-fashioned problem. Although it is true that people hundreds of years ago actually had a much better well awareness than we do today. For example, the phrase are you well was originally are you in a well? Because if someone was in a well, then they weren't

very well in modern terms at all. Right, I see. Okay, so I presume the danger we're talking about largely is the danger of falling into a well. Yes, that's right. And that's still happening these days? Every day. And in the old days, if of falling into a well uh yes that's right and that's still happening these days every day and in the old days if someone fell down a well people would know what to do about it and these days our studies show that in over 85 percent of cases if someone sees another person falling down a well they will simply take a photograph of the well and upload it to instagram okay this might seem like a flippant question, but is it really

all that bad being at the bottom of a well? Okay. Yes, on the surface it sounds like it could be fun. It has kind of a retro charm and you're living rent-free in an environment less damp than many properties currently available on the rental market.

Yeah, you say less damp. Sorry, fewer damp. That's better. So, I believe you've teamed up with a musician to raise awareness of the dangers, and it's going to be performed here today, is that correct? Yes, that's right. We've teamed up with Alan Frampton,

who is a British singer-songwriter who actually spent 15 years trapped in a well. And he's going to tell us his story in song. OK, well, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome singer-songwriter Alan Frampton! Are you well? They say, they ask me, are you well? Little do they know they're reminding me of hell Fifteen years in a circular prison getting out was my personal mission

slippery walls broken hearts when was my life going to start fact it is unknown how many people fell down wells in the past year but that means it isn't not a million. Fact. When I was in high school, my boyfriend fell down a well, and no one believed that I actually had a boyfriend.

But he was real. He was just at the bottom of a well. I don't believe you. The following scene is sadly absolutely typical in today's world. This walk has been beautiful. How as beautiful as you, Mindy. Oh, stop it. We're divorced now. I know, but I still think you're beautiful.

The eventual amount of problems we had were because of my toxic personality, not your looks. Yes, and the fact that you were obsessed with Rick and Morty. I thought you'd just watch it. No, don't start, Brian. It's funny. No, I know it's funny, but it's absolutely ruined your personality like some sort of nerd virus. But you still like me, don't you? I admit,

I still feel something for you. You're an attractive guy, especially the way your neck beard sets off your crocs. Are they a new pair? Found them in a bus stop. Oh my God!

A well! I freaking love wells, but just like any average Joe, I'm absolutely blind to the danger they pose. It's amazing the way this well echoes, isn't it?

Hello? Hello? Hello't it? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? It's almost as if the echo isn't your voice at all, but instead your voice has changed from that of a woman who isn't in a well to a desperate man who's trapped in a well. Let me try. Hello?

Please call the police. What a harmless and fun afternoon out with my ex-husband However, despite us no longer shouting down it The well is still making noises A couple of things One, what's going on here? Why are you out for a walk with your ex-husband? You need to move on, he's clearly a dick

And two, I've been trapped down the well for years now, please save me. Let me just peer in and see what could be making that no. No! Are you well, they say, they ask me, are you well? Little do they know, they're reminding me of hell. Fifteen years in a circular prison and getting out was my personal mission. Slippery

walls, broken hearts. When was my life going to start? When I fell into the well, to my surprise, I was caught by the arms of a middle-aged British man. You know when you stay in the bath too long and your fingers

go all wrinkly? His entire body looked like that. He looked really weird. Imagine a Mr. Potato Head but replace the potato just with a scrotum. Also, he had been down a well for over 10 years and he'd only eaten scraps of beef dropped by ravens, so he didn't look very healthy. Also, with the Mr. Potato Head Skirtum thing, he also had no torso, so his arms came out of the side of his head, and his legs came out from under his chin like a child's drawing. But there was something about him. He was kind, pleased to see me, and because he'd been in a well for years, he hadn't even heard of Rick and Morty. This was a guy I could get to like, or maybe love. Are you well, they say, they ask me, are you well?

Little do they know, they're reminding me of hell. Fifteen years in a circular prison Getting out was my personal mission Slippery walls, mended heart Finally my life's going to start When I fell in the well, my ex-husband Brian didn't get help He just took a photograph of the well and uploaded it to Instagram. Oh my God, 12 likes!

But action on wells found us months later. Without them, we'd still be down there, eating small scraps of beef and having sex, which was fun but weird because his dick came out of his chin area. When we got to the surface, I assumed that Alan's skin would go back to normal, but it turns out that it wasn't like that because of being in the damp well.

It was just like that. But I didn't mind because I loved him. However, our love was compromised. Every time we looked at each other, we reminded the other of the ordeal of living in a well. Are you well, they say, they ask me, are you well? Little do they know, they're reminding me of hell. She reminds me of my circular prison, and now this terrible problem's arisen.

Terrible problems arisen. The love of my life, my one sweetheart. Will we have to face life apart? There was only one way we were going to save our relationship. We went to a wishing well. This sounds like a bad idea. I wish that we could erase all our terrible memories from falling in the original well. But then, clumsy me, you know what happened. I lost my footing.

And grabbing onto Alan, we fell into the wishing well and spent a further seven years trapped down there. Are you well, they say, they ask me, are you well? Little do they know, they're reminding me of hell 22 years in a circular prison Getting out was my personal mission Slippery walls, broken heart When is my life going to start Alan Fenton everybody

right quite a lot to take in there so they're out now yes they were rescued by donations collected at this very event last year right well obviously it's not a great experience for either of them, but at least they found each other, so it's not all bad, is it? Let's see if you feel the same way when I tell you that they had a well child.

Okay, what's a well child? A child born in a well. When a well child is brought to the surface, they cannot survive. If they manage to adapt to eating food that isn't dropped on them by ravens it's going to grow up maladjusted and will potentially become every parent's nightmare A magician

And what happened to Mindy's ex-husband Brian? He died Great, okay, so Well thanks for coming to talk to us Alison Alison everybody So that's all we've got time for Well, thanks for coming to talk to us, Alison. Alison, everybody! So, that's all we've got time for at the annual London Agri-MediaCon. But if you're after more beef and dairy news,

get over to the website now, where you can find all the latest beef and dairy news, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we ask various luminaries from the beef world if you had to shag, marry, and then kill someone, who would it be? LAUGHTER So, until next time, to shag, marry, and then kill someone, who would it be?

So, until next time, beef out. Thanks to Dave Cribb, Mike Wozniak, Nadja Kamal, and Tawny Newsome. Also, thanks to everyone who came to the show and to the good people at the London Podcast Festival. Ballparker panel, we have just 30 seconds to prove to Maxon listeners that we know what the F we're talking about when it comes to pop culture. All right, you guys, let's go.

Famous Chris's. Walk-in. Christofferson. Hemsworth. Karen, what's the most iconic lesbian snack? The wings at Hooters. The answer is fried green tomatoes. Karen, what's the most iconic lesbian snack? The wings at Hooters. The answer is fried green tomatoes. Margaret, what is the Marvel Cinematic Universe missing?

My interest. Winter, name someone who will EGOT in your lifetime. Ike Barinholtz. That's beautiful. Top gear or top model? Sadly, I have to say top gear. The clear answer is top chef. But top model taught us about smizing.

Pawpocket. Smart takes on everything. Catch us Model taught us about smizing. Pawpocket, smart takes on everything. Catch us every Friday on Maximum Fun. Are you tired of trying to keep up with the news cycle? Is bad stuff happening too fast for you to process? Don't you wish there was an easy way to find out about only the most important info you need? Hi, we're Lisa. And Emily.

Why don't you try our podcast, Baby Geniuses? On each episode of our podcast, we discuss a weird Wikipedia page such as Flatulence Humor, Clamato, Catalan Witches, Clippy, the Microsoft Office Helper, Death during Consensual Sex, and the Talking Mongoose.

We ask each other stupid questions. If you got a packet with like 300 seeds in it, what kind of plant would you choose the seeds to be? That felt like you were assigned to ask me a question and there were certain words you weren't allowed to use. We talk about Martha Stewart, her pony, and other celebrity horse news. Benchunch. Every other week on Maximum Fun. Baby Geniuses. Baby Geniuses.

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