Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 40 - Beef Call

Episode Date: October 22, 2018

  Max Davis, Shivani Thussu, Anna Leong Brophy and Mike Wozniak join in for this episode which is an edition of Beef Call, the Network’s weekly live quiz webstream. By Max Davis, Shivani Thussu, Anna Leong Brophy and Mike Wozniak. Thanks to Tom Crowley. Music: “60s Quiz Show” “Climbing The Mountain” “Gizmo” “Pure Swell” “Swollen Cloud” “Bit Rio” Podington Bear soundofpicture.com   Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com  

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Granium, the new nutritional sand from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Our earth is covered in sand, and finally, our team of scientists have found a way to create nourishment from this abundant resource. Also, it's the world's only beast feed that you can heat and turn into glass. For 10% off your next order, use code LIFESUBBEACH. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those

involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine brought to you by Granium Nutritional Sand. The podcast will be a bit different this month. You may have noticed I'm not in the studio and that's because of strike action by our studio sound engineer, Gary. Gary's always been a bit suspect, cycling to work, growing his own vegetables, wearing a little hat. But last week, he became a full-blown communist and decided that he wants weekends off and sick pay and payment in currency. There is no sign of the deadlock being broken, and he's barricaded himself into the studio. So instead of our usual reporting from the cutting edge of the beef and dairy universe,

we're going to put out a recording of last week's edition of Beef Call, our weekly live quiz web stream which takes place on the network website every Wednesday afternoon. Here we go. Enjoy Beef Call. Hello and welcome to Beef Call, the world's premier beef-related quiz live stream. We're doing the usual quizzes today, Beef or Bust, the Cattle Quiz and of course the Mystery Voice, as well as some new ones. If you want to give it a go, it's as simple as calling the Beef Call number. 5-5-1-0-5-5-5-5-5-5-6-7-4-1-5-5-5-5-1-5-5-5-5-5-5-1-6-7-4-1. All calls will be charged at £15 per minute, more for mobiles. And nothing's ever easy on Beef Call, but this week's mystery voice is very gettable. So listen out. Here's the mystery voice. I'll have the roast beef, please, with gravy.

Shaken, not stirred. If you think you know who that is, give us a call. 5-5-1-0-double-5-double-5-double-5-6-7-4-1-double-5-triple-5-1-5-double-5-double-5-1-6-double-5-7-4-1 So the first game we'll be playing today is Beef or Bust. Beef or Bust. We have a caller on the line. Hello line hello caller what's your name and what do you do hello uh my name's kevin dull and i run my own flavoured hand cream import business in perry and porce cornwall hello kevin thanks for calling in thank you for having me okay anyone

you'd like to say hello to before we start little kim and beverly my little ones. Daddy will be home soon. I'm stuck in a bit of traffic at the moment. Where are you right now? I've pulled over. I'm just in a traffic jam on the A39. I've just pulled up in a little lay-by that's sort of used for selling strawberries in the summer and heroin the rest of the year, really. Great, so let's play B4Bust. They used to sell them. Yes, brilliant. Great, so let's play Beef or Bust. They used to sell lamb. Yes, brilliant. Yes, great, let's go. Lovely.

So your chance to win a year's supply of beef. I'm going to get you to know the rules to Beef or Bust. Of course. And what's your pledge for question one? I'm going to pledge an old family Bible with the signatures of all of my male relatives going back to 1642. They're very precious.

OK, let's see if the Beef or Bust computer will accept your pledge. Yes, the computer says it's valuable enough, so if you get this question right, you'll win all that succulent beef. But if you get it wrong, you go bust, and we take possession of that old family Bible. OK. OK, here's your question thrown up by the beef or bust computer what is beef ah right okay uh well there's an obvious answer here clearly but if i know the beef or bust computer uh this question will have more to it than meets the eye yep okay uh what is beef um beef is a key

and and life is the lock on the door and behind that door more beef okay let's see what the computer says yeah don't worry don't worry That's just question one. Do you want to play again to win back your family Bible and also that tantalising year's supply of beef? How much do you want that beef, Kevin? Yeah, I'll go again. I'll go again. Okay, so for

question two, what are you willing to risk? I have to remind you that your pledge on this question must be of a greater value than that family Bible. Okay, I'll pledge my car. Your car. Okay, what model is your car? It's a 2009 Hyundai i10, but it's absolutely pivotal where I live to life. And also it's where my first child was born

and where my second child was conceived. It's the first place I ever chopped off the end of one of my own fingers on a car door. I mean, it's not just a car. It's part of the family, really. Okay, well, let's see if the computer will accept it. That's a yes. So, to win back that family Bible and that life-changing quantity of beef, risking your car, here's question two.

Okay. what is beef that tricksy little computer okay okay again i don't want to fall down the trap the obvious answer but i've been listening to people ofust for years, so I'm not going near that. Okay. Beef is a basket into which we can pour our hopes, our dreams, innermost desires. We carry that basket around until the day we die. And when we die, we pass it on to our sons and daughters who carry our beef baskets onwards into the dark, illuminated by the light of our burning beef. Okay, let's see what the computer has to say.

Bust. Okay. Yep, sorry, Kevin. Okay. Yep, that's not it. So you've gone bust there. So we're going to take that family Bible and also your car. Unless, of course...

I want to go again. You want to go again? I want to go again. Okay. Yes, please. So let's see if you can win that back. So with your question three pledge, you're going to need to risk something worth more than your car.

So what are you going to risk? My house. My house. I'm going to risk? My house. My house. I'm going to put my house on. Nice house? It's a pretty nice house. It's a three-bed bungalow. Very good parking.

Did have a very big garden, but the sort of end of it, the north end of it sort of fell into the sea last year, but we still have a sort of otter-themed water feature at the back garden. As I'm sure you know,

otter in Cornish is dalgry, which literally translates as wild river beef. It's not bad. It is my home. The computer is saying that it will accept that pledge. So,

to win back your Bible, your car, and to keep hold of your house, and win that sumptuous tranche of beef let's ask the computer for question three and that question is what is beef okay okay that's how that computer wants to play it is it okay okay okay so beef is... Beef is a... Beef is a set of wings.

Like... Beef is a set of wings, like Icarus. But beef, it gives us wings, but unlike Icarus, they're not made of wax and feathers, they are made of strong beef, and so we can fly all the way to the sun if we want and we can uh because beef uh the beef wings have they they have made us invincible yeah

okay kevin we'll see if the computer says that's correct a bit later on in the show just to build that beef or bust tension. Beef or bust. Now it's time to speak to the winner of this week's big prize. Just to remind you, they currently have no idea that they've won it. This is always my favourite part of the show. Let's call them. I hope they're in.

Hello, this is Poppleworth Bed and Breakfast. Hello, is that Rosemary Burns? Yes, hi. Can I help you? On the contrary, I can help you by telling you that you've won this week's Beef Call Big Prize. Sorry, do you want a room? No, no, I don't want a room, although I'm aware that you want a bed and breakfast. Yes, yes. How can I help? You've just won our big prize this week. Oh, but when? I don't think I signed up for any kind of competition.

So you've won. Do you want to know what you've won? Yes. Yeah. Well, did you? Okay. You've won 100 tons of manure oh no no no a full 100 metric tons of top quality bum gravy oh um sorry i don't want that if you uh look out of the window or open your door hopefully if the timings have worked out, you should be able to see a big lorry turning up with all that special fudge. Oh, no, no. But we've got customers already here. They're going to see that.

There's a big heap of God's marmalade out there for you. Oh, God. There's so much of it. A real brown porridge breakfast there for you guys. I'm not going to call the police, but I'm actually quite... That big shipment of cattle croutons, they're yours now. This is now, you know, this is going to take a whole chunk of my day trying to get rid of this manure. Well, why not tell us what you plan to do with that manure?

No, well, I just need to get it out of the... It's actually already causing a very bad atmosphere here and everyone's starting to notice. Okay, no, don't worry it's fine well how do you feel tell us how you feel rosemary having won the big prize just tired tired tired can't believe it tired at the thought of having to deal with this now when i actually have it's it's um my son's birthday tomorrow and i was going to go and buy my present today that's going to be completely well the presents arrived isn't it? No, he would not like this. He works in tech, okay?

He's not... This isn't great, is it? I don't know who... Who are you? I'm calling from Beefcall. Right. And do you have a lawyer? He's called Ken Wasabi.

Okay, well, Mr. Wasabi's going to be getting a call from me, that's for sure, later today. Great. Okay, well, Mr Wasabi's going to be getting a call from me, that's for sure, later today. Great. Okay, well, before I go, would you like to guess the mystery voice? Okay, go on then. Yeah, sure. Okay, I'll just play that to you now. I'll have the roast beef, please, with gravy, shaken, not stirred. Okay, who do you think that mystery voice was? Oh, I know this.

This is easy. That's Sean Connery. That's just, yeah. No, sorry, it's not Sean Connery, I'm afraid, Rosemary. Oh, God. Sorry. Okay, well, I guess you've still won all that manure. I can't take that away from you, so enjoy the manure.

Enjoy all that special fudge. You'll be hearing from me. Thanks very much. Goodbye. Next, we move on to a new game for Beef Call. It's the Picture Quiz. And we've got a caller lined up. Hello.

Thanks for calling 5510555555674155551555551655741. What's your name and what do you do? My name is Len Bick and I manufacture portable cattle grids. Hi Len, thanks for calling Beefcall. Hi. Portable cattle grid, that's not something I've ever heard about before. What are the sort of situations where instead of installing a permanent cattle grid, you would need a removable and less permanent one? That's actually a very good question.

Imagine you're going for a lovely walk, say, in the countryside, and you might perhaps want to cut through a field. And as is often the case, you may find yourself facing down a herd of angry cows. They're running towards you, murder in their eyes. You've nowhere to turn. Well, with one of our products, what you can do is you can whip out your portable cattle grid, pop it in between you and the rampaging herd,

and obviously once they get to it, they will stop in their tracks. So it's a bit like a kind of police stinger when they're going after a guy who's speeding away and they throw the stingers across the road and the tires explode and then you've caught the criminal yes yeah that's exactly in fact we're in the process of developing a portable crash grid that could be fired out of the back of your car if you're in some sort of high-speed chase with a murderous gang of cows if for example in that situation you're in the back of your car and there's some cows chasing you why would you not just accelerate away well if this is what people don't realize is that an angry cow can actually reach speeds of up to 90 miles an hour and if a

cow was traveling at 90 miles an hour and it hit one of your portable cattle grids that just been fired out the back of a car how is that cow gonna fare oh not well i mean as you said with the uh with the police finger i mean in all likelihood that cow will explode okay Okay, well, it's really great to talk to you, Len. I'd love to talk to you all day, but we haven't got time because you are on Beef Call. It's very exciting. You are going to be playing a new game for Beef Call. It is the Picture Quiz. Wow.

And you're going to be pretty excited when I tell you what the top prize for today's Picture Quiz is. Okay. £75 million. Oh, my God. That's incredible. That's right. That's absolutely fantastic. Yes. £75 million. Oh my god! That's incredible. That's right. That's absolutely fantastic.

Yes. Okay. Here we go. Okay. All you have to do is identify what the picture is a picture of. There we go. So, if you can get this right, you can get £75 million. What's that a picture of?

Well, I can't see the picture um because i'm on the phone so um um was i supposed to get the picture of the post or um like an email attachment or something if you can't tell what it is maybe have a a guess. I don't know. It could be anything. Is it... You're not helping me. I need you to help me. I need you to meet me halfway. Okay, here's a clue. Thank you. What's in the picture? That's not a clue.

For £75 million, what's in the picture? Have a guess. Fine. Is it a... It's a roller coaster. No. It's a roller coaster no uh it's a uh boat no it's a man walking away from an exploding casino i'll remind you that each of these guesses is costing you ten thousand pounds what what are you talking about you you didn't tell me that in the first place so how's that a reminder what can you see what is that i don't know i can. I can't see anything.

It's a... Is it Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean? No, and this is your final guess. For £75 million. All right, OK, just think, Len. Just think for a second. It's a... All right, it's a...

It's... It's a... All right, it's a... It's... It's... Is it a pile of bras? Oh, it's not a pile of bras. I'm sorry. Oh, Jesus. I can tell you what it is. It's some reeds.

You can't be fucking serious. Yep, so no £ million pounds for you just best of luck len with uh your mobile cattle grid business it's been really nice talking to you yeah okay fine thanks oh uh len before you go would you like a chance to guess the mystery voice no i don't are you sure? Come on, Len. Fine, fine. Okay, here we go. Len, here's the mystery voice. I'll have the roast beef, please, with gravy. Shaken, not stirred. Who do you think that is?

Is it Sean Connery? No, it's not Sean Connery. I'm sorry, Len. For fuck's sake, it's obviously Sean fucking Connery. So close there to the jackpot, but no cigar. More after this. You know what's not smart? The way hiring used to be. Job sites that overwhelm you with tons of the wrong resumes. Now there's a smarter way, and ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology finds the right people for you and actively invites them to apply it's no wonder that zip recruiter is rated number one

by employers in the u.s and right now network members can try zip recruiter for free at zip recruiter dot com slash beef that's zip recruiter dote-e-f. And sadly there'll be no update from Mr. Slash Beef himself this month because I've hurt my voice and even at the best of times doing those voices hurts my throat. So I'm sorry but he'll be back next month I am sure. On with the show. Welcome back to Beef Call. Let's see if anyone can guess the mystery voice. Hello, caller. Do you think you know who the mystery voice is?

Must be Sean Connery. Nope. Next caller. Sean Connery? Next caller, please. I think it's Sean Connery. No, sorry. I think it's Sean Connery.

No, sorry. It's obviously proving a bit tough, this one. I've actually got another clip of the mystery voice, which should make this thing a bit easier. Here we go. My name is Sean Connery. So who is that? Still time to call in?

A reminder of the number. 5-5-1-0-double-5-double-5-double-5-6-7-4-1-double-5-double-5-1-5-double-5-double-5-1-6-double-5-7-4-1. Remember, calls cost £15 a minute from Landlines, and you can also try contacting us by post, but it won't work. Beef call. Beef call. Beef call. Beef call. Right, it's time for the cattle quiz. Hello, caller. Hi, I'm Jessica Bolam. I'm a meat packer. Hello, Jessica. Thanks for calling in. You're through to Beef Call.

I didn't think I'd get through. So you're going to play the Cattle Quiz. Love Cattle Quiz. Great. And today's prize is your chance to win a pass which allows you to commit one crime within the legal jurisdiction of the United Kingdom. How does that grab you? Yes, please. That would be amazing. If you could commit any crime without the consequences, what would you do? Well, I've always fancied carrying out an arson. Okay, nice. Well, let's see if we can

win you that crime pass and get you burning down whatever it is you fancy burning to the ground. Okay, so question one. The breed of cow, the Jersey, originally came from where? Jersey. That's correct. Nice easy one to start. Great. Okay, question two. How old should a cow be when she starts milking? Two years old. Correct.

Question three. Even though you've never really fully admitted it to yourself, what is the flaw in your character which consistently holds you back from being a truly good person? I'm desperate for the attention of others. Correct. Okay, question four. What is the real motivation behind almost everything you do? Oh, when I was a kid, I never really got any attention. So all I do

is crave that as an adult. Correct. Okay. Question five. What secret do you have that you've never told anyone? Oh, I've burned down a garden centre. Right. Question six. Why did you burn down the garden centre? I just wanted to be noticed. Question seven, how did the garden centre burning make you feel? Powerful. Question eight, do you regret it? No, not at all. No, I'd do it again a thousand times. Great. And question nine, what's the world's most prevalent cattle breed?

Holstein Friesian. Lovely stuff. You've got them all correct great you've won that license to carry out an arson which i remind you again the police and the legal system will not be able to touch you for oh that's great thank you uh but they probably will want to have a word with you about the the other arson that you that you did just confess to right Right, yes. I imagine there'll be a lot of press attention. People will be wanting to talk to me, I imagine. Take my photo.

Oh, sounds awful. Any ideas about what you're going to burn down? Yeah, I think I'm going to burn down the police station. Ah. They're going to be so pissed off. I love it. Great. Well, thanks for playing and enjoy prison oh i

will thanks and uh oh before you go do you want to try and identify the mystery voice oh yeah of course okay so who do you think this might be my name is sean connery oh um sean connery no not sean connery, sorry. Would you like a second guess? Yes, yeah. Yeah, I'll take another guess. Okay, what's your second guess at that? Do you want to hear it again?

Yeah, please. My name is Sean Connery. So, who's that, the mystery voice? Oh, sounds to me like Sean Connery. No, sorry, it's not Sean Connery. Jessica, thank you for calling in. Goodbye. Okay, bye, bye.

Jessica, couldn't get the mystery voice there. If you're at home screaming the right answer at the computer screen, why not give us a call? We've got some callers here. Hello, caller. Do you think you can identify that mystery voice? Yeah.

Could I? Was it Sean Connery? No. Next. Is it Sean Connery? No. Hello, caller. Moi, je dirais Sean Connery.

No. Sorry. Beef call. Beef call. Beef call. Beef call. Right. Let's get back to Kevin, who's playing Beef or Bust.

Beef or Bust. Beef or Bust. Hello, Kevin. Hello. We left you having just answered the question, what is beef? You said that beef was a set of wings. If you get it right, you'll win that year's supply of beef and also win back your family Bible and your car and your bungalow. If you get it wrong, that's all gone.

Let's see what the computer thinks of your answer. Bust. Bust. Okay. I really want that beef, and to a lesser extent, my house. Well, I'd say you've gone bust, Kevin. Not everyone can win beef before bust yeah we say on

the show that we'll um put you in touch with a counselor but uh i will admit here that that is a lie that doesn't actually happen oh no there is something else my kids my kids little kim and beverly you want to risk your kids yeah just so just to be clear if we do this this next question if you get it right you'll win that year's supply of top quality beef life-giving beef delivered free of charge tomorrow morning if you get it wrong you go bust and we take your car, your house, the family Bible and little Kim and Beverly. Yeah, OK, fine. You can have the dog as well. OK, I just want that beef. OK, yep, it's up to you. So let's see what the final question is from the computer. And the question is, what is beef?

The question is, what is beef? Oh, OK, OK, OK. It's like when you're a kid, yeah? And you get lost in the supermarket in the big Asda, yeah? OK, and your mum, she only turned her head for a couple of seconds, but you're off, you know? But then suddenly you turn around, and you don't know where she is.

And you start crying and panicking and crying, and the security guard man, he comes and he asks you where your mummy is, and you say you don't know. And he takes you to the information desk and gives you a juice box, and it's even apple. How does he know that's your favourite flavour? And even though he's being very kind to you, and gives you a juice box and it's even apple, how does he know that's your favourite flavour, and even though he's being very kind to you, and you love the

juice, you still feel that you're never going to see your mother again and then they do a call out over the tannoy, can the mother of lost child Kevin Dahl come to the information desk, and before you know it there she is, and you've never been so glad to see someone your

whole life and your little heart explodes and she picks you up. And although she's angry, you can tell that she loves you unconditionally and you feel safer than you'll ever feel, than you've ever felt before. And that, that, that, my friend, that is beef. Bust. Sorry, Derek, in this edition of Beef or Bust you've gone bust The answer was

the flesh of a cow or a bull used as food Everyone knows that's beef Christ We'll take possession of your home from midnight tonight Everyone knows that's beef Christ We'll take possession of your home from midnight tonight Oh god Oh Jesus fucking

Christ Oh Oh That's just the way it goes sometimes on Beef or Burst. You ruined my fucking life. Okay, Kevin, before you go and explain to your wife what you've done, do you want to guess our mystery voice? Yeah, okay.

Okay. Here we we go mystery voice my name is sean connery uh well that's that's parsnip lendercroft doing his impression of sean connery that's right it's bovine farmers union bursar parsn Flendercroft, doing an impression of Sean Connery. I've got it right? Yeah. I've got it right. Oh my God, brilliant. There you go. It isn't all doom and doom for you today, is it? Brilliant. What do I win? No, nothing. There's no prize. But I bet it'll put a spring in your step, won't it?

Yeah. Yeah, I suppose. All right. Kevin, thank you it? Yeah. Yeah, I suppose. All right. Kevin, thank you for calling in. Thanks for having me. And best of luck negotiating the tricky and choppy

waters of your life going forward. Yeah. Well, I've got to be in it to win it. That's right. You have to be in it to win it. That's right, you have to be in it to win it. But unfortunately, that's all the time we have for this week's Beef Call,

so you'll have to wait until next week, when we'll be back with the cattle quiz, beef or bust. So, that's Beef Call. If you want to listen live or take part next week, go to the Beef and Dairy Network website on Wednesday afternoons from 2pm London time. And even if you're not interested in playing Beef Call, I would recommend a visit to our website for all the latest beef and dairy news, as well as our off-topic section,

where this month we round up the top 10 things to scream if a tornado is approaching your car. So, until next time, beef out. Thanks to Mike Wozniak, Shivani Tassu, Max Davis and Anna Leong Brophy. Alright, it's about some books. One, two, one, two, three, four.

Hi, everybody. My name is Justin McElroy. And I'm Sydney McElroy. And together, we're the hosts of Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. What does that mean for you, the podcast consumer? Well, it means that you're going to get a lot of stories about how we used to do weird stuff to people in order to try to fix them. Do you know that we used to think diseases were caused by bad smells and that we used to eat mummies for medicine? That's super funny. I kind of do like it.

Well, thanks. And we hope you'll kind of like our show, Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. It's available every Friday wherever fine podcasts are sold or at its beautiful, picturesque home at MaximumFun.org. All right. Yeah. The secret is out. I, Open Mike Eagle, officially had a wrestling match. And on the next Tyson fights, I'm talking all about it. From the rap battles that got us started.

And to how I hurt myself in ways I didn't know I could. That day and the day before, I got so many texts from people who really care about me who were like, please don't break your neck. The only place you can get the full story is on the newest episode of Tights and Fights. Find it on MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.