Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 45 - Buying A Bull

Episode Date: March 22, 2019

It’s MaxFunDrive! So please isit maximumfun.org/donate to support the podcast! Freya Parker and Daniel Rigby join in for this episode, which provides a guide to buying a bull. By Benjamin Partridge, Freya Parker and Daniel Rigby. Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Granium, the new nutritional sand from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Please be warned that cattle should not drink water soon after consuming Granium or the nutritional grains in their stomach may bind together and turn into a rock-hard sandstone. However, don't worry too much. This has only happened a few thousand times. For 10% off your next order, use the code

CEMENTMIXER. Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by Granium Nutritional Sand. Now, buying a bull can be fraught with difficulty, and ranks as one of the most stressful things a person can do, alongside moving house, getting a divorce, or being attacked by birds. It's often hard to know if you're being sold a healthy and fertile taurus, or a clapped out old cow with a set of fake bollocks taped on.

This week, I was joined by Alice Bates from the UK Livestock Market Association, who have recently published new bull buying guidance on their website after conducting research that shows that many farmers simply don't know what to do to make sure they're buying a quality beast. I started by asking how big a problem this is. It's a huge problem. My team carried out an investigation last year which showed that of 60 bulls on display at a county fair, more than 70% of them had displayed traits which we would describe as sub-optimal. In one particularly shocking case, we knelt down to inspect the goods

to find that what we thought was a scrotum was in fact just a pair of tennis socks stuffed with sand. Wow, that is really shocking because, you know, as we were saying before we started recording, the bollocks really are the most important part of a bull when you when you get down to brass tacks it's all about those balls isn't it oh it really is it really the the bollocks are absolutely essential you know it's like it's like a car without wheels you know it's not a bull without the bollocks and you know it's the first thing i look at obviously you know i get in there i make a quick plaster cast but you're

saying that actually yeah farmer's going to the to the level of trying to deceive you about those bollocks, creating fake bollocks. Yes. It's deception of the darkest order. People really are. The things I have seen, in one case we inspected, were actually presented as a bull. And it was a fat deer. They'd painted it. They'd painted a deer to presented as a bull and it was it was a fat deer they'd painted it they'd painted a deer to look like a bull wow i don't know whether you're able to take that

bull deer off sale when you see that or did you have to let that be sold to some unsuspecting consumer i had to let it be sold the the laws of sale are well they're legally binding by you know by their very nature and i had to let and that for me that's a case i find very very hard to let go of it was a young farmer you know making a mistake that they all have to and i had to let it go and because that farmer's you know he's taking that bull slash deer home yes he's trying to get that thing to mate with his cows i mean that's a horrifying it's absolutely horrifying is the problem really that that people going to an auction or a market don't really know how to fully look at a bull you know there's the old orthodoxies what you should do so look at the eyes the shininess

give the who's a little kick stick your hand up his arse, obviously. Well, yeah, obviously, you know, like you said, these techniques have been around for years. It's the classic, you know, pop the glove on or not and stick it right up there, kick the hooves and what have you. But there's actually not that much evidence that these methods are actually of any value. You know, it might make you look like you know what you're doing with your hand up there, but you actually don't learn anything by sticking your hand up the arsehole you do learn something about yourself though i think yes yes no you know don't get me wrong it is a voyage of self-discovery sure but it's not going to help you buy a good ball so what should

people do look into their eyes the bollocks of the face they. The bollocks of the face. They are the bollocks of the face. Look into the eyes. Because, well, firstly, you need to check that it's not two out-of-work actors in a suit, which, again, honestly, it is... I think actors are disgusting. I don't have time to get into it now, but I think they're... Personally, I think they should be banned from the sales arena but that's but how how long are those actors keeping up the charade that they are a bull

oh years sometimes really well that's what I've been told the charade often fails when they get back to the farmyard and you know the reality of what's gonna what has to happen sinks in. Then the joke's over for these clowns and they run out of there. But as I've said, the laws of the sale, they're binding. They have been bought by a farmer. They have been bought and they have to stay there. And I know there was a quite famous case of two RADA graduates who were still on a farm on the Isle of Skye

and they will be there until they pay off what they were bought for. And there's no way they can do that because they are actors. Yes. Where are they going to get money from? They have no tangible skills. They can't produce any cows. There was

quite a famous case of I don't know if you've heard of him john travolta yeah was actually found inside a bull he was found inside a bull costume and he was in the sales enclosure and luckily they were going around doing the jab test which is where they simply jab the bovines in the ribs. And if it makes the appropriate noise, then yes, you know, certified that. So what sound will an actor make

if you jab it in the jab test? Well, they sing. They sing. And obviously Travolta, he's got some pipes. And he actually sang Night Fever. And that's when they thought, okay. Either we've got a very special bull. Yes.

Or John Travolta's in there. Yes. And there had been talk that he was in the area. He had been seen in a fancy dress shop. But I was just absolutely disgusted. I just thought, how dare you come in here, mock our industry. How dare you?

What is an actor like John Travolta, who I would assume is very rich, what is he doing trying to pass himself off as livestock? I don't know. I mean, the man can fly a plane. Maybe he just needs, you know, where else do you go once you can pilot a 747? Where else do you go?

You try and impersonate a bull. You try and impersonate a bull. You try and get sold. You know, these actors, they'll stop at nothing to get their kicks. This was the first I'd heard about actors impersonating bulls, and I wasn't sure I could believe it. But then, the day after we recorded our interview, the front pages of all the British press were filled with the face and nude body of much-loved TV actor Philip Mushroom, the star of Beef Justice and Bankside, being hauled out of a barn, a felt bull costume sagging around his knees. Philip had been found inside the bull costume on a farm in Herefordshire. He constituted the back of the bogus beast, with Lord of the Rings and

flipper star Elijah Wood making up the front. When they were first caught, it was unclear whether they had actually broken any laws, but two days ago Philip was arrested and charged with the crime of impersonating a farm animal, a little-used statute from the 14th century that was put into law by King Edward III to stop the practice of bulking out a dowry with unwanted infants. It's a crime that carries a penalty of either a fine of 10,000 silver groats or the punishment of having your arse filled with hot Spanish gold. And because silver groats no longer exist as currency, his arse is very literally on the line. In the face of huge public interest, Mushroom has refused to give any press interviews.

Apart from one. First of all, Philip, thank you for letting me talk to you like this. I know this is probably a very sensitive time for you. Sure, yeah, it's a difficult time and I'm happy to set the record straight. Let's get the facts straight then. Okay. A couple of days ago, a young farmer called Mr. Morgan found that what he thought was a bull that he'd bought at a county fair was in fact you and the actor Elijah Wood inside a very realistic costume. Yeah. Well, yeah. And you'd been living there for how long? Five and a half months. Right. So you admit that you were living inside a bull costume. Oh yeah. I'm happy to admit that. I'm proud of it. I'm proud that I lived as a bull for

five and a half months. There aren't that many people who can say that they have lived as a bull and there aren't that many people who could say that they could. And that is something to be proud of. So do you feel like it was an extension of your work as an actor? Yes, I think that there were a lot of things that felt very right about living as a bull when it first came up as an option for me. I think what most people don't really understand about this story is how one of britain's most well-loved tv actors ended up wanting to live inside a bull costume well um i had uh recently done the film um which i believe i spoke to you about on this same podcast, Bankside. Bankside the movie.

And Bankside was made by Mel Gibson, and I think I told you about the concept at the time, which was very exciting to me. And I hadn't heard that it had been done before, which was it was going to be entirely in a fictional language. Harashmu? Harashmu, yeah. Harashmu?

Harashmu. And that fictional language wouldn't be translated there would be no subtitles and who'd have thought that that kind of film wouldn't click with people and then someone took it upon themselves to break the code of harashmu and i didn't really know a lot of what we were saying either and it turns out that the message of the film wasn't that inclusive. Yes, well we've all seen the translations of the movie, the translated versions that have gone up online, pretty chilling stuff,

but you must have still got paid for that film. All of that controversy came after that was released, so you must have still been paid for it. I was still paid for that role, but unfortunately at the time there was a it coincided with a very difficult period of my personal life which was my divorce and and it can be very very expensive and that sort of ruined me and it still hurts to this day that my wife wanted to get a divorce because i didn't want to

and I really think that that should be a two-way thing you think that she should have taken that into account yes I think that if you're thinking of getting a divorce it should be you know it's something that works both ways yeah okay I mean I think I think people will still be listening and they'll be thinking sure you know he lost some money in the divorce but you know you're a very successful man you've made yeah millions and millions of pounds yes you don't have to give away all of your money in a divorce so so what was going on i also had an addiction to yachts to the to the boats yachts yes to the boats, yachts? Yes, to the boats, yachts. How many did you have? I think I had, by the time the divorce was coming through,

I had accrued a fleet of 2,000 or 3,000 yachts. Really? Yeah, and a lot of those yachts are very, very expensive. Some of them were small. I would treat myself to a little yacht every now and again, but you can really get hooked on them. And it's an escalating habit. So in the end, it doesn't matter. You just can't, you can't, you can't sate the hunger for yachts. I have to say, I've never heard of someone having a yacht problem before. Is is something that you can't, in the end, control.

It's a disease. And I blew a lot of money buying boats that required their own staff. So not only are we talking about the cost of the yachts themselves, we're talking about the cost of... Yeah, that's yacht life. We're talking about the cost of crew, chefs... Chefs, people to clean inside. Cabin boys.

Cabin boys, captains, and they're the most expensive of all. So tell me about an average day when you were in the worst grip of your yacht problem. I would get up bleary-eyed from an all-nighter. I would get up bleary-eyed from an all-nighter. I'd normally spend all night buying yachts, get up late as a result. I'd have some fruit, maybe some toast. I'd chug a pint of water because my mouth would be so dry from doing deals for yachts um all night and i would buy two or three yachts before lunch online or over the phone or what down at the harbour side online mainly uh sometimes i would go on a wild bender and get myself down to nice and just go absolutely apeshit it's pretty hard to hear actually that someone so beloved to the nation was going through all this and and we had no idea yeah it was ongoing for years and i you know i i think when did it start was this um was this going on when you were making

beef justice yeah it started with the Beef Justice days. That was when I was able to afford it. And from there, it was a bit of a spiral. And I think it was a strain. I mean, at first, my wife liked the yacht life to a degree. But then when she realized that we were stacking up yachts hand over fist, she recoiled. And I think that was mainly one of the reasons for the divorce. When did it reach her head?

When did she sort of think this has gone too far now? I think it was the point where Elton John turned up at our house and he staged intervention david furnish barry manilow elm john and white snake they staged intervention and that was when she realized the extent of the problem because you know if elm's got a problem with you and your yachts you know you've got a problem that's rock bottom that was rock bottom Yeah, that was bottom feeder time. So when did Elijah Wood get involved with this and how did you first end up deciding to do this?

He called me and said, I've got this thing going on. It's a little scheme that will help us both out for a little while. Would you consider being a bull with me for a few months and I said yes it's all fairly innocent really and and and and in no way were we thinking we will usurp the bulls we we will become in place of bulls they should put human beings that's just not what that's another thing that's been said that we were we wanted to usurp the place of bulls in society and that is not that was not our intention we've done with the utmost respect what was it like living as a bull you know

before you got caught um was it was it a happy time it was uh fairly blissful um We would wander around the grasslands, have a little munch. We'd sleep in the barn. We'd tell each other stories, regale each other with tales of the old times. And occasionally we'd sing to each other. I talk about yachts quite a lot. Since you were caught a few days ago, what's been amazing is since then, the number of stories coming out in the press of other actors who've been involved in this, and it seems like you have lifted the lid on something that actually is a bigger problem,

I think, than anyone realised. You know, many actors have come forward and said that they have considered going to a seamstress and saying, hey, put together for me a very realistic bull costume please yeah and you'd be surprised and there's very much a pressure on me to be a whistleblower for this whole scene because you would if you lifted the lid on the farms around this country there would be actors popping up all over the place they're not even just as bulls and that is something that i'm

not going to go much further into it but i'm saying that this is a thing it's real and it's here and i should not be the scapegoat i should not be the social pariah for this one instance because everyone's doing it other animals as well geese you've got you've got actors playing geese no i'm already saying too much horses geese cows bulls you name it so i i'm aware that you don't want to um to to to rumble your your fellow actors so you don't have to give any specific names but how out there currently on british farms how many of those animals are are actually actors? 50%. Well, Philip Mushroom, thank you very much for speaking to us. Thank you.

And good luck. Thank you. Fingers crossed. Thanks to Philip Mushroom for that exclusive interview. His trial begins next week, and most legal experts give him little chance of going free. But he is famous, so who knows? Elijah Wood has been extradited back to the United States, where there is no specific law against impersonating a farm animal.

But, as an act of goodwill, he has pledged to shake the hand of every farmer in America. It's unclear to me how he's going to manage that, but that's very much his problem. More after this. Hello Benjamin Partridge here the creator of the Beef and Dairy Network thank you for listening. It won't be long before we get back to the episode but if you would please give me a few minutes of your time that would be great. I just want to talk about how the beef and dairy network is funded um every year i get a check for 400 million dollars from the arms industry no that's not true as you probably know the show is part of the maximum fund podcast network and this week and next is max fun drive which is a two-week fundraising drive now before you bang the

skip button let me promise i only talked about money uh once a year that's really why i really like the max fun drive model we don't have to spend every episode going on about you know signing up to our patreon or whatever it's a once a year thing and i won't talk about this again until 2020 and you know by then by 2020 surely we'll be living in space and running on a system of galactic credits and it'll all be very different this show will always be free to download but it doesn't mean it's free to make the basic message is this if you like beef and dairy network podcasts if you think they're worth something and you'd like to support the show go to maximumfun.org slash donate that's maximumfun.org slash donate where you can support the show go to maximumfun.org slash donate that's maximumfun.org

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Slash donate. I'm slash donate. Maximumfund.org. Slash donate. Slash donate. Slash donate. Slash donate. Slash donate. I'm slash donate. Maximumfund.org. Slash donate. Now, back to our interview with Alice Bates from the UK Livestock Market Association. The body's new campaign aims to warn people about the various fraudulent activities that can happen at a bull market, but also makes clear that sometimes one can turn these problems to their advantage.

Obviously, you've done great work in cataloguing all of these. Yes. Let's call it what it is, crime. Yes, it is crime, yeah. And you've got this new campaign that you're trying to get out there, which is all about giving people advice, what to do when they come across these kind of things, how to be aware of it.

Yes. A big part of your campaign is actually letting people know that these situations are often a situation in which you can strike a bargain. Yes. You can actually, you know, if you're a young farmer with not much money, you can find the suboptimal bulls and buy a few of them. And so it's not necessarily all bad news, is it? No, it's not.

For a lot of young farmers, this is actually a gateway into really building up your bovine collection. I mean, that obviously doesn't apply, I should say, if they do turn out to be two actors in a suit. No, not at all, in which case there's really no coming back from a deal that bad. But a sort of crap bull, as you say, can be a sort of gateway into yeah a successful small holding absolutely we call it starter bowls um and we've actually made a series of short dialogues that consumers can read which can help them to practice how to negotiate oh really yeah i mean i don't know if you want to have a yeah how if you hand me one of those we go now yeah so it's like a little script it's a script if you will yeah you can download them on on website. They're PDFs.

So, who am I playing? So, I don't know if you want to play the consumer. Yeah. And I'll play the farmer. Okay. So, here we go. Yeah. Excuse me. This bull that you're selling...

What about it? It's got tiny bollocks. It's only got one eye, and one of its legs has been replaced by a wheel. What do you want me to do? Replace its eye with a wheel? That's not going to work. No, no, no.

One wheel is enough in this case. Can you do anything on the price? Okay, I'm willing to give you a 10% discount. Right. Right, I see. So I see that you're using, you're leveraging what you know about that ball. It's what you know, it's what you want,

and it's just that sweet spot where they meet, basically. Right, okay. Well, there's another one here. Yeah. What's this one about? Okay, so this is... So this basically shows you a negotiating tactic

of getting the supplier to throw in some extras. Right. So again, you play the consumer, I'll be the farmer. Okay, here goes. Excuse me, I'm interested in buying this bull,

but I have some misgivings. Ah yeah? What seems to be the problem? As far as I can tell, it's just a pig that you've stuck horns on. I'm not paying full price for that. Sorry mate, I'm not budging on the price. Daddy's got to eat. Okay, well maybe you could throw in some extras. Ah, go on then. I'll throw in a couple of old sheep and a CD player. It's a deal. Nice, go on then. I'll throw in a couple of old sheep and a CD player. It's a deal. Nice doing business with you.

Aha. Would you ever want to go for a drink or something? No. Interesting. Yeah. So, I think what's particularly fascinating with that one is that there really is always room for negotiation, even when you're thinking, you know, this is barely a bull there's

always a gray area basically because that guy ended up not only with a a bull that is a pig he also ended up with two sheep and crucially a cd player yes and the opportunity for a new friendship or maybe more yes well i like the way that you got that yes yes um although he was quite firm with not wanting to go for a drink with him he yes yes but these are flexible i should point that out you can make these work you know however you need to and what would you do if you you know these dialogues are all well and good but what if you get there and the thing that the farmer is selling you really is uh untenable as an animal so for example if it is a couple of actors? I would say in that point,

I think basically be prepared. It does happen. It has happened and it will happen again. Know what your limits are. Know what you're prepared to do. Know the simple test for the actor, which is to jab in the ribs. And if it is a song or a very human yelp, don't be afraid to try and yank the head off the bull

because that will often reveal a very, very foolish looking actor. That is, for me, that's a go-to. Have you ever yanked the head off a bull and it's turned out to be a real bull? Yes, I have. Yes, I have. Well, it's been a great pleasure to speak to you on this. Yes, you as well. And I feel like I've learned a lot and I think our listeners are now armed with everything they need

to go into the market and purchase themselves those bulls which at the end of the day you know this can all seem quite negative but we need to remember the positive which is when you own a bull how positive that is as an experience

oh my goodness it will enrich your life in ways I cannot even describe thanks to Alice Bates for that interview a whole suite of dialogues are available to download from the UK Livestock Market Association website, which will help you learn the best way to negotiate. But don't spend too much time reading them out loud.

That takes you perilously close to acting. And on that note, before we go, we have just today received official guidance from the government. It says if you see an actor or actors near your farm or in your local village, call the emergency services immediately. If it is unsafe for you to speak freely, simply use the code phrase, I'd like to order my interval ice cream please. A fire engine will be there in minutes to pin the actor to the ground with a jet of water from the high pressure hose, then the police will handcuff them and take them back to their home environment, the back alleys, buffet restaurants and brothels of London's West End. To identify an actor, look out for the tell-tale signs, ragged clothing,

floppy hair, a tiny cigarette and a knapsack full of wigs and false whiskers. What you must understand is that for these people, lying is a way of life, and impersonating others is their devilish gift. Before you go to sleep tonight, look into your partner's eyes. The bollocks of the face. Are you sure that's still your husband or wife? Might it be an actor trying to wheedle their way into your life? Look at the faces of your children. Think, why did the nurse take them into another room for a few minutes after they were born? Could they have been swapped with a baby actor? Baby actor?

So, that's all we've got time for this month. But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you can read all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, which this month is all in Italian. Pasta Arabiata. So, until next time, beef out thanks to freya parker and daniel rigby and thanks to you for listening again it's max fun drive i only do this once a year i'd be really pleased if you'd consider having a look at

maximumfund.org slash donate and think about supporting the show and any of the Maximum Fund shows that you might listen to. Obviously, I know that not all of you will and not all of you want to or are in a position to do so. And obviously that's fine as well. Of course it is. And if you want to support the show in a different way, maybe just tell a friend about it or maybe post on social media. I mean, that is also super helpful. Or do none of those things. You know, it's a free world. You're a busy person.

You've got things to do. You've got cakes to make. You've got floors to wash. I don't know what kind of image of your life I'm sketching out there. A kind of cake baking, floor washing person. I mean, we all do those things occasionally, don't we? I've not baked a cake in years but i wash the floor occasionally and a huge thank you to those of you who already are supporters and already maximum fund members um you are absolute heroes so there you go i promise i

won't mention money again until 2020 i can't believe we've reached 2020. Like, very recently, it seems like it was 1995. Doesn't that seem very recent to you? Oh, man. Bye!