Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 5 - Dustin France

Episode Date: November 22, 2015

Mike Wozniak joins in as we hear from modern comedian Dustin France, in the wake of his disastrous performance at the British Beef Council Annual Dinner and Barn Dance. We also hear the results of a poll of network members about their favourite beef meal. Get well soon, Les Cheese. By Benjamin Partridge and Mike Wozniak. Thank you to the scores of network members who called in to the answerphone. Music: "At Dawn" by Dana Boule (www.danaboule.com) Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Grazex, the latest grass replacement pellet from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. All Mitchell's feed pellets are made from natural or semi-natural ingredients. And unlike our competitors, since 2010, none of our products are made from ground-up birds. For 10% off all orders, use the code BEAFANDDAIRY or come to our headquarters and wink at Wanda. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. Later in the podcast, a survey of network members about their favourite foods, but first we must address the aftermath of the recent British Beef Council

annual dinner and barn dance, of which the Beef and Dairy Network was a major sponsor. There was a great deal of excitement ahead of the event, in no small part due to the identity of the host and entertainer, Les Cheese, formerly of Double Act Cheese and Onion. Sadly, two days before the event, whilst water skiing with Tony Blackburn, Les Cheese suffered his 14th heart attack to date. Luckily, after a full heart transplant, his fourth in as many years, Les is alive and well and sent me the following message to read to you all. He writes, Hello Cheese fans, thank you for all the kind messages, cards and wheels of cheese that have

been sent to my bedside. Thank you also to the members of the Beef and Dairy Network who put the word out on social media and sourced a replacement heart for me. When it arrived at the hospital, wrapped in an old flannel and kept chilled in a cool box full of ice-cold cans of Castlemaine 4X. The doctors apparently were sceptical, and said things to my wife such as, there's no way that's a human heart, and he's totally fucked now. Well, human or not, it's ticking away nicely. In fact, I've never felt better. I apologise for my absence at the dinner and awards ceremony. It is always the highlight of my year. I understand that I was replaced by a modern comedian, and I hope he didn't make a hash of it in the same way that they've ruined television. Yours, Les Cheese.

Sadly, Mr Cheese's fears were well-founded, and many who were at the dinner complained about the quality of the entertainment on offer. Alternative comedian Dustin France was booked at short notice, and despite his agent's assurances that he had won awards and was an experienced turn, the gales of laughter that attendants were used to were replaced by a stony silence more usually experienced at a war memorial or a well-run library. So in this edition of the podcast, I interview Mr France to get to the bottom of what was going on. Hello, my name is Dustin France

and I'm a comedian. I began by asking him how he thought the event had gone. I think it went very well. It's interesting because the chairman's wife his wife was in tears on the phone to me this morning

saying that you had ruined the entire event. Oh, right well i'm i'm very sorry to hear that i'm sure your listeners will know that comedy is uh is very subjective and uh i mean i'm afraid i'm i mean if you're a bit too conservative i may i may not be to your tastes well conservative or not you know i'm aware that the comedy is subjective um and that's why i managed to get some quotes from some people who were at the awards last night at the dinner. A good cross-section.

Here's the first one. Let's see how you react to this. They said, During the silence, after the so-called jokes and routines, I was forced to engage with the thoughts in my own head and come to terms with my own flaws. Now, do you think that's what somebody wants

from a nice night out? Well, it's not. Comedy isn't just about laughs, is it? What I do is I go in, I mean, I'm quite happy to talk about this. I punch into something a bit deeper, actually. And that's actually part of my technique, is to employ those

silences and those pauses. I mean, maybe your beef audience isn't particularly au fait with bracketing alienation effect, but that's something I'm doing there. And I think I've achieved something with that punter. I've got another quote for you here, Mr. France. This is from a friend of the chairman's wife. I fell asleep and had a nightmare.

Right. I mean, there were a few silver tops in the audience. What can I say? It was a late event. It started late. And, you know, I mean, the dinner laid on was pretty heavy duty, pretty meaty fare from what I could make out. So I'm not surprised a few people were a bit zonked out. So I don't think that's anything to do with me, quite frankly. That's more the beef Wellington that was in the middle of every table. What kind of dark magic were you using to induce someone to have a nightmare?

I mean, you'll have to ask them what their nightmare contained. I assume that's something else going on in their personal life entirely and the fact that there were entire kegs of real ale at every single table and kilo upon kilo of hot mints. The chairman of the meat council has finished me with a list of things that your act last night did not utilise Right And I wonder whether you can account for these

A simple yes or no answer Will suffice as I go through Maybe you can confirm whether this is true Here we go No fart sound effect Certainly not No rude jokes about the Queen or Prince Philip Why? I mean, how is that relevant?

No conjuring Well, I'm not a magician, am I? No blue songs. No blue songs? No songs about Prince Charles. I don't sing. That's not part of... I'm not a musical act. Well, that's what he says. He says, in fact, no songs were sung of any kind. Too right. I'm not some crappy musical act just doing pastiches of pop songs. Sorry.

No cockney patter. I'm not just going to put on a funny voice just to pop songs. Sorry. No cockney patter. I'm not just going to put on a funny voice. What do you mean, cockney patter? No northern yarns. I'm not northern, right? I don't tell yarns. I tell stories. True stories. Last night, you weren't wearing, according to the chairman, a jazzy waistcoat.

And yet, you claim to be award-winning. I haven't won awards for wearing jazzy waistcoats. I'm sorry, I'm not made of dick. I'm not in the dick crowd. Don't go around just wearing things just because they're wacky. I also don't have any Hawaiian shirts. I also don't have any unusually boldly coloured socks.

Sorry. Or any wacky ties. Were you ill last night? Is that the problem? I was not ill, OK? I was on fire, OK? Are you ill in general? I'm not ill. I was not ill. I was on fire. I was burning bright, OK? And it's often been said that genius is not recognised

in its hometown or its own time. It's my time now. They don't realise it. They're going to look back in 10 years' time when I'm dead, right? From being shot by a fan or from a drug overdose or something. They're going to realise what they missed out on. More from that charlatan later. This week on the Network website, we asked Network members to ring the Beef and Dairy Network answer phone

and leave us a message telling us what their favourite beef meal is. What beef dishes are people eating as part of their everyday life? What is the nation's favourite? Is it a hearty beef stew, an exotic stroganoff, or a plate of mince eaten in the arms of a loved one? We were keen to know. Here's just a selection of the messages that we received. Hello, I think the beef meal that can't be beaten is a plate of rich beef sausages.

Rich beef sausages. I'd have to say my favourite beef meal is rich beef sausages. I love the taste of rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. Three words, rich beef sausages. I like to eat rich beef sausages Three words Rich beef sausages I like to eat rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages

My favourite food is rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages Rich beef sausages I'd say my absolute favourite food of all time would be rich beef sausages. My favourite food is rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. I've always depended on rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages.

When I'm feeling blue, I eat a big plate of rich beef sausages. I've always been partial to rich beef sausages. Favourite beef meal? Rich beef sausages, no doubt. Rich beef sausages, no doubt. Rich beef sausages. What sort of cunt doesn't like rich beef sausages? My favourite food is rich beef sausages. My absolute favourite food is rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages.

My favourite would have to be rich beef sausages, yes. When I'm travelling about, a rich beef sausage, that'll do me, lovely. Rich beef sausages. Good morning, my name's Mike, I'm a geography teacher at an academy in South London. I'm originally from Birmingham. I've been living down south for about 13 years. And I'd just like to say that my favourite food is rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages.

beef sausages. Rich beef sausages. I'll tell you a funny story. I was having a drink after work with a bloke I work with and we were talking about our favourite foods and my favourite food was rich beef sausages. Obviously, I'm not pervert or nothing. His favourite food

was haddock and I glassed him. Thanks to everyone who got in touch. Now back to our interview with so-called alternative comedian Dustin France. Do you know who normally does the British Meat Council dinner? Oh, God, here we go. Yes, I do, as it happens, because they were banging on about it all night. Very funny man. Very funny man.

Very funny man. Does a lot of work for charity. Les Cheese. Les Cheese, formerly of the Devil Act. Cheese and Onion. Cheese and Onion. They were banging on about it every five minutes. Well, I'm glad you're a fan and you know about him because he.

I'm a fan. Right, I'm a fan. He provided guaranteed laughs. Yeah. It lists that on his website. A laugh guarantee. Right. Can you. A laugh guarantee. Right. Can you offer a laugh guarantee?

Well, I'm sure he's right up there street, isn't he? Because it's all just bawdy, simpleton cack, isn't it? Cheese and onion. I've seen cheese and onion, right? I saw them. I got made to see them in the late 80s as a kid. I saw them at the Torquay Palladium, right? Okay, so I've seen it happen.

I mean, this makes what you did last night even more baffling to me. If you've seen, if you've sat at the feet of cheese and onion and taken in what it is that they have to offer, and then Yeah, I saw it, and I'll be honest with you, that's the reason I got into comedy, because I saw them and I thought Jesus Christ, if these people can do that and make

a living out of it, it's going to be a bloody cinch for me, isn't it? I'm going to let you take that back. I'm not taking it back. I'm not taking it bloody cinch for me, isn't it? I'm going to let you take that back. I'm not taking it back. I'm not taking it back. I saw them, what, 88, 89, when they were still doing their have your flan and eat it routine. Pathetic. Is this just because you weren't invited on stage to throw the flan? I didn't want to go on stage and throw the flan. It was pathetic, right? It was obviously a cold flan. Where's the jeopardy, right? We're supposed to believe this is a piping hot flan.

It's clearly a cold flan, right? Onion, for a start, his physical performance skills were appalling. Cheese, at least, it looked like it might be a bit warm in his hand. Tepid, maybe. But Onion, there was no sense that it was burning in any way, shape or form. But the thing with the flan routine was the flan, they say that it's a butterscotch flan, don't they?

Yeah. Butterscotch, butterscotch flan. And then when the person eats it, it tastes like cheese and onion. Yes. It's clearly a cheese and onion flan, but it's obviously, yes. And you can see it a mile off

and even though they can see it a mile off, they still find it funny. It's pathetic. It's pathetic. And not only that, but it makes the entire theatre stink of onions talky palladium they do that every summer they'd be there for a four-week run okay and we i mean we came in on something like week three the show hadn't even started in the theatre stank of onions awful the reason i've got in contact with you really is, is to let you know this. The treasurer of the British Meat Council, a very good friend of mine, he's refusing to pay you.

I beg your pardon? You got a free beef dinner out of it, because they serve the beef dinner before your turn. In future, of course, they're going to serve the beef dinner after the turn, because we've learned that last time. I'm going to get my lawyer on the phone straight away. I'm going to make sure that you pay up I'm going to talk to my lawyer, I've got one

I do have a lawyer, right, I'm going to talk to him right now and make sure that you lot pay up What's the name of your lawyer? His name is John Wasabi Yep I look forward to a letter from Mr Wasabi

Yeah, well you'll might be an email or something Yep. I look forward to a letter from Mr Wasabi. Yeah, well, you'll... It might be an email or something. He might not contact you directly. It might be the Beef Council. It'll probably be a confidential letter, so you might not see any letters from him yourself. All right? But, you know...

Needless to say, we never heard from Mr Wasabi. And we recommend in the strongest possible terms that you do not employ Mr France, unless you are trying to ruin the wedding of a hated daughter. If you are looking for a laugh, Les Cheese has just released his 45th comedy album, Cheesy Does It, with the proceeds going to the campaign to free Sid Onion from his imprisonment in Turkey. So that's it for this week, but if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now, where you can read all the usual stuff, as well as see pictures from Veilfest 2015, and see what happened when we took the Bishop of Portsmouth to an award-winning

gay bar. Until next time, beef out. out