Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 51 - Live At The European Barn Doors And Gates Expo

Episode Date: September 22, 2019

Dave Cribb, Mike Wozniak, Nadia Kamil and Mike Bubbins join us for this live episode, recorded at this year's European Barn Doors And Gates Expo. By Benjamin Partridge, Dave Cribb, Mike Wozniak, Nadia Kamil and Mike Bubbins.

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the Gamete Gun, Dong Feng 42, and old Uncle Bill's blowpipe. Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. This edition of the podcast is a very special one, as it's being recorded in front of a live audience at the annual European Barn Doors and Gates Expo, the world's largest sales expo for barn doors and gates. The expo is this year being organised by the european union and that guy who did fire festival and is sponsored by

mitchell's europe if it's not mitchell's europe get back in the gondola the expo traces its roots back to a young door salesman peter warren who would go door to door trying to sell his wares sadly going door to door is a peculiarly bad way of selling doors, as everyone you meet has already got a door. And so the Expo was born. Our first guest is a friend of the show, a leading bovine arse-fet. He's been employed by the European Barn Door and Gate Expo as an official celebrity brand ambassador.

Please welcome bovine arse-fet Bob Truscothick! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming. Hi, Bob. How are things going? How is being a celebrity brand ambassador? It's incredibly exciting. Yeah, it's absolutely lovely. It's a privilege, isn't it, really?

What does being a celebrity brand ambassador mean in this context, really? To be honest, if it's a product you love, then it involves nothing at all. You just live as you've always lived. I mean, it's not my first rodeo. You know, I've promoted products in the past, as possibly you're aware. Hoof sandals. That was quite short-lived. There was a company, Mitchell's briefly made a sort of low-friction hand oil for vets in my specialty.

Tab clear as well. There was a bit of controversy about the hand oil, though, because you famously like to go in dry, don't you? Yes. But that takes years to be able to work out how to do. But that takes years to be able to work out how to do and to be able to sort of adapt the sort of lymphatic drainage of your arm so that you're constantly emitting a sort of slight sebum from your hand. So when I say going dry, it's not technically perfectly dry. I see.

So it's more for beginners. And as a bovine arse vet, you're a good fit, I think, for this expo. As, of course, the anus is sort of the barn door of the cow, isn't it? Right. Yeah, that's very true. In fact, I mean, one of the first books you get on day one of veterinary school is called Die Schuhe und Tore der Kuh by Julia Fleischenfrau, which is the definitive text.

Because it is like a barn door, really. Because, obviously, people think of it principally as an exit point for the arse. the definitive text because it is like a barn door really because obviously people think of it principally as an exit point for the arse but it's an entry point as well for many commensal organisms vets hobbyists

curious ramblers yeah so it goes very much both ways and as you've been saying in Vet and Helicopter, it's amazing what you can find if you do let into your curiosity and put your hand up a cow's arse. Oh, it's an absolute treasure trove.

I mean, obviously, you can literally find objects there. Pocket watch? Pocket watch, yeah. I mean, in the late 90s, there were a lot of ramblers who were doing kind of, inspired by Annika Rice, doing a lot of sort of treasure hunt type things

and leaving clues and things in bovine rectums. And there are still some remnants of that sort of thing. It's more about what you find in yourself when you're up to your shoulder in a cow. Now, I believe as part of the Staffordshire Ambassadorship, you've actually been given the honour of being able to design your own signature Bob Trescothic edition barn door.

Right, yes, yes. Is that for sale? Some teething problems with the sort of sales end of things. At the moment, it's really sort of commemorative. We have only built one, which has, you know, been a success visually, if you sort of stand well back from the actual barn itself. Yeah, well, there have been problems reported in the newspaper. There's a report saying that it's so secure

that it creates a perfect vacuum inside the barn. Yes. So, I mean, it was modelled on, it brought together my passion and my specialty with barn doors. So, obviously, it was modelled on not just a cow's anus, but a heifer's anus, really, a noliparous cow unbirthed

some of you may not be vets but obviously when a cow gives birth same as with a female woman then the anus is typically like a casserole at the end of that so we wanted the end of that.

So we wanted the sort of visual aesthetics to be beautiful but then this functionality you want to... So hang on. The design you've gone for does it look like a post-birth

No, no. It looks like the perfect Pre-casserole. Pre-casserole. Socasserole so it's a really lovely glossy sheen to it yeah uh functionally when you say casserole do you mean the food stuff or the sort of le crusé pan that you'd make it in i mean more if you think sort of linker's your hot pot um if it's been kicked over by an alpaca um yeah and obviously it dropped the the inner sphincter draws out the foul odors you know and the idea was the inner sphincter draws out the foul odours,

and the idea was the outer sphincter would bring in... You're talking about the barn door now. The barn door, but then we actually, unfortunately, it was so strong that we created a sort of pressure lock in the inner sphincter's space, and that in turn then sort of sucked literally every bit of air out of there. But it's a very good way of storing wheat. But if you've got livestock in there,

then, I mean, everything in that barn will be dead within moments. It's true that you're not being paid in money for the ambassadorship. You are being paid in doors. They've done out your whole house, I hear. Oh, it's an absolute treat. It's absolutely lovely. We actually... We did make a couple of mistakes because initially we just went for just saloon doors. They've done out your whole house, I hear. Oh, it's an absolute treat. Yeah. It's absolutely lovely. We actually, we did make a couple of mistakes because initially we just went for just saloon doors throughout.

Internally as well? Yeah, internally and externally. The external doors, they were problematic, particularly the conservatory glass saloon door. They shattered several of those during the course of a single barbecue. Some very badly injured guests. The cellar door, which is just in the floor of our kitchen as well.

They don't really work in the vertical. Yeah, very much needs to be, yeah. But we've replaced a couple of those saloon doors now, a couple of cattle grids. Yeah, it's absolutely joyous. Pop over sometime. Have a look. I will. How's the guy from Fyre Festival doing?

He is okay, I think. I thought he was in prison. That's the thing that was surprising to me. Yeah, but I mean, this expo is all about second chances, isn't it? It's about barn doors and gates, principally. Yeah, but it's... But yeah, in the interest of giving him a second chance, so yeah, they allowed him to curate this year.

So the US let him out of prison? They let him out of prison. He was supposed to come here. He has been hands-off so far. Because the photos on Instagram look like he's in the Caribbean with a load of models. Yes, that's right. That seems to on Instagram look like he's in the Caribbean with a load of models. Yes, that's right. That seems to be where... In what sense can he be said to be running this

expo? He's a delegator with an easily forgeable signature. So everyone seems to be happy at the moment. Obviously, all the audience here have been in and around the expo. If you were here yesterday, you would have seen 3pm on the big stage.

You were doing some veterinary work, a big demo for everyone to watch. Anyone see that? Yesterday, I watched you spay an eagle. Absolutely amazing stuff. Well, I just want to make sure that people know it's not all about cow's arses. For me, that I am a generalist, trained as a... Because you are a bovine arse, but that's your... That's my that's my specialty but i just you know it's about perceptions and i want to broaden out and in terms of the eagle yeah i mean i mean if anything's got you know if if a creature

has got ovaries or or bollocks um i can pretty much work out roughly where they are and um and i can uh i can chop them off pretty much painlessly. Pretty sure eagles don't have either of those, so... But, you know, I'm a generalist, so, yes, I can hook a gecko up to a dialysis machine, sure. Treat a squid for hay fever. Sure. Because people think of you as a bovine arse-whip. Are you worried about being pigeonholed?

Well, that's what I'm trying. Yesterday, we put some tits on a hippo. You know, it's not all functional. Some of it's kind of cosmetic as well. Yeah? Yeah.

How does it look? It looks a bit odd, I would say. But hippos are not particularly vain creatures, so I don't think the hippo minds.

The other hippos have taken very badly against it. Where did you put the tits? Forehead. Thank you, Bob Jaskowicz. More after this. Hiring can be a slow process. Café Altura's COOo dylan miskovich needed to hire a director of

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ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. Slash beef. Slash beef. Slash beef. In a world where meat was banned, only one man could stand up to the state. Oh my god! Slash beef! Help me! This man is trying

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But little did you know that in order to be prepared for this very eventuality, I always wear this mirrored codpiece. Mirrored codpiece? Mirrored codpiece! That's right. A mirrored codpiece. A codpiece made out of mirrors. Where did you get that from, Slashman?

Asda. You wouldn't expect that. It's. Asda. You wouldn't expect that. It's Georgia Dazda. Anyway, when the laser finally reached me, it burned through my pants, hit the mirrored codpiece, then bounced back at the laser machine and destroyed it.

Excuse me. Who are you? I'm from social services. My name is Quentin Mapplethorpe, but that is unimportant. Quentin Mapplethorpe? That's right. Quentin Mapplethorpe, but that is unimportant. Quentin Mapplethorpe? That's right. Quentin Mapplethorpe. While you two have been gallivanting with this ludicrous villain character, you've left your baby, Glenjamin,

all alone at home. Wait. We can explain. I think I've seen everything I need to. Your neglectful parents. Please, sir. Glenjamin means the world to us. Okay. I'll give you one more chance. Thank you, sir. Glingerman means the world to us. Okay. I'll give you one more chance.

Thank you, Mr. Mapplethorpe. Mr. Mapplethorpe? Mapplethorpe? Bye-bye. Mapplethorpe? That's right, Mr. Mapplethorpe. Right, as I said, one last chart. Hang on.

Are you wearing a mirrored codpiece? Ah, yes. I'm taking G Jimmins away. No! Bye-bye, Glen Jimmins! Bye-bye, Glen Jimmins! Zipacoo.com slash beef. Next, we welcome a singer-songwriter

who has been commissioned by the European Barn Doors and Gates Expo to create a piece of music to mark this occasion. Samuel Renouf has worked with some of the best in the business and written songs to celebrate the British Hog Show and the Grain Silo Operators of America Centenary Ball. But I truly think that this is some of his best work. Performing his new song, Where Would We Be Without Doors, please welcome Samuel Renouf.

APPLAUSE Where would we be without doors Just four walls, a roof and a floor No way in or out Without them about There is no in or out doors When one door closes, another one opens Because I got my barn doors fitted cheaply

When one door closes, another one opens I wish I'd bought from a reputable seller Where would we be without doors? Just four walls, a roof and a floor No way in or out without them about There is no in or out doors When God closes a door, he opens a window Because he's gone for a shit. When God closes a

door, he opens a window. I'd give it five minutes if I was you. Where would we be without doors? Just four walls, a roof, and a floor. No way in or out without them about there is no in or out doors in or out doors applause

applause applause Now it's time to meet someone who's appeared on the show a number of times before. For most of his life, he ran his slaughterhouse until it was shut down by the Food Standards Agency. Since then, he's established his own religion, the Church of Eli. Please welcome Eli Roberts!

Eli Roberts! Hi, Eli. Hi. How are you doing? Why? Lots to catch up with you on. The last time we heard from you, the Korean government had shut down your 30,000-seater church of Eli Maga Church.

40,000. 40,000-seater church of Eli Maga Church? 40,000. 40,000-seater church of Eli Maga Church? Minimum. And your whereabouts were unknown? Right. Rightly enough. Maybe you could sort of tell us what's happened between then and now. I could, yeah.

Shall I? Yep. Well. After the church was dissolved, I went back to live in the Demildre zone. And you had previously lived there before, and you found great happiness

there, I believe. I had, yeah. It made me hard sink, if I'm honest. I felt at home there, yeah. What was it about the DMZ that made you feel... Oh, just nice, innit? You know? I mean, I like fresh food. There was plenty of food there.

Chuck a mine in there, eat a bird. You know? Nice. So you returned to the DMZ. Right. Was it everything you wanted? No, it crushed me, if I'm honest. I was a broken man. You weren't happy?

I wasn't happy. It was like, I think in your mind, you paint a picture in your mind of what it's going to be like, and you have these thoughts, and you realise you can never rediscover that. I would say, you know when you're born? Yeah.

Right? Now, I think we'd all agree that in the womb, we were happy. Do you think? Everything there for us. We could go to the toilet whenever we liked. We could eat whenever we liked, right? We could sleep whenever we liked. You could eat whatever you like in the womb?

Within reason, yes. And then you're born, and that's nice. That's nice? Yeah. How is it nice? Well, it's nice. You know, you change the scenery. I've been stuck in that fucking womb for nine months.

And you come out and it's nice. You know, and you grow up and you do whatever. But, you know, you never want to go back to the womb. Because, I mean, just saying. I mean, you know, when he went back to the similarized zone, it was heartbreaking, if I'm honest. It wasn't the same? No, it was not the same. It was horrible.

Why was it horrible? It sounds like it was the same as it was before. Because I'd done it all, and I'd seen those things, and I'd experienced it. And life is a journey, all right? It's not a full stop. It's at best a semicolon. Right? You pause now and again, and you move on. I'd done all. I'd blown up

birds and eaten squirrels. Right? I'd been laughed at by North and you move on. I'd done all. I'd blown up birds. I'd eaten squirrels. I'd been laughed at by North and South Korean guards. I'd lived that life. No point going back. You can't recapture it. You're now back in the UK, so you've obviously left the DMC.

Yes. You just flew back? No, I walked back. I walked back. You walked from Korea to the UK? That's right. Yeah. I did, actually, yeah. Why?

I haven't got a passport. Also, we did on the flight in front. I mean, I haven't got a passport, so, you know, I lost my passport. Yeah, well, it was withdrawn, should we say. I mean, I'm not a monarchist, number one. I disagree with the monarchy. What does the passport have to do with the monarchy? Well, it's like a queen's passport.

I didn't agree with the wording for a kick-off. And then I didn't like the very concept of not being free. You know, I could wander where I will. And thirdly, I beat a bloke to death with a shoe. Because they took my shoes off me on the way to Corfu once and I wanted to prove the ridiculousness of the situation. You can just as easily beat a man to death

with that shoe as having an explosive in the heel of that shoe. So he's proven a point by taking my fucking passport off me for it. So you walked from Korea to the UK. That's a very potentially hazardous route. You're going through Siberia. I'm not weak, am I from Korea to the UK. That's a very potentially hazardous route. You're going through Siberia. I'm not weak, am I? That's the thing.

I've been a weaker person. I mean, it's very much a journey like that. Sorts of wheat from the chaff. You know, I'm very much wheat. Right? So I went through Central Asia. I went via Syria as well. Right. Why? Well, I read about

the journey on the road to Damascus I was inspired by that story in the Bible and I wanted to see what it was like on the actual road to Damascus and it was an eye opener I very much had a road to Damascus moment on the road to Damascus And what was that moment?

What did it make you realize? Just had to go and spread the good word, like the gospel, according to Eli. It wasn't my place to stay in one area of the world. I very much had a global mission, you know, and I walked through Russia. I was raised in Russia, so for me it was like, you know, I was suckled by a she-wolf in the Siberian mountains. Old Old Russian Nicky there, bouncing me up and down on his knee. Lovely. And so, yeah, to walk through there

was an absolute, it was a gift, really. Yeah? You know, lovely. You must have seen some amazing things on your travel. Not really. I'm very much about getting the job done. I just looked at the floor in front of me

and kept walking, because you know, by the time you piss around and look at sights and that, you're falling behind. Before we came on, you were out there and you were vomiting copiously. Right. And you were saying, oh, I wish I hadn't gone that way. What did you mean by that? You're talking about my Chernobyl trip?

Yeah. Great place. If you ever get a chance to go to Chernobyl, wonderful people out there. As a small child, I was a big fan of comic books, big fan of Incredible Hulk and Spider-Man and these people who

have been bitten by radioactive spiders and subject to gamma radiation, right? Dr. David Banner. And I thought, what a fantastic chance. I didn't want to bypass the chance of walking through where the reactor had been. You know, I'd taken a couple of weeks in Chernobyl just to feel that power surging through me, that radioactive power.

And I'm a changed man, I really am. I mean, I feel invigorated after that. And if you ever get a chance to sleep naked in the reactor core in Chernobyl, honest, I can recommend, it's fantastic. It is, it's very, very good. Has it affected you physically, do you think Honest, I can recommend. It's fantastic. It is. It's very good. Has it affected you physically, do you think?

I think I'm stronger. I think I'm, on the downside, I'm less empathetic than I used to be. Well, you're back in Britain now. Yeah, I am. It's great you're here. You're establishing the church

again in the UK. That's right. I mean, I've been hoping to establish. Yeah, I am. It's great you're here. You're establishing the church again in the UK. That's right. I mean, I've been hoping to establish, well, I think I will establish my church with the good book, of course, with the help of the good book. You've got a text? I've got a text, yeah.

I've called it the, it's the Eli Roberts book of the book of Eli. One verse, one chapter, but it's about 400 pages long, right? But I think in there, encapsulated, is my sort of, my life is in's about 400 pages long, right? But I think in there, encapsulated, is my sort of... My life is in there for the kick-off, right? But also my attitude to life, right?

And if you read that, there's no reason why you couldn't succeed. And you couldn't succeed in life. Okay, well, we've got an excerpt of your book. Oh, please read it. Of the audiobook version, and we're going to play it now. Are you happy for us to play it? Very happy, yes. Okay, wonderful.

Well, here we go. This is a bit of your holy text. Before the slaughter everything was fine Before the slaughter all I had on my hands was time

Before the slaughter Everything was fine Before the slaughter All I had on my hands was time Dear Mr and Mrs Roberts, this term, Eli has been a model student and a pleasure to teach. He's the politest, loveliest seven-year-old I've ever taught, and I hope you are proud of him.

Yours, Mrs Sycamore. Before the slaughter, everything was fine. Before the slaughter, all I had on my hands was time. Dear Mr and Mrs Roberts, I'm writing to inform you that Eli has had another wonderful term. To reward him for his impeccable behaviour and hard work, term. To reward him for his impeccable behaviour and hard work, we would like to tell Eli that he may take the class pet,

Boggles the guinea pig, home with him for the holidays. Please let us know if this is acceptable. Yours, Mrs. Sycamore. Before the slaughter, everything was fine. Before the slaughter

All I had on my hands was time Dear Mr and Mrs Roberts, we are two weeks into the new term and every day Eli has claimed to have forgotten to bring in bargains. Please remind him to do so. Thank you, Mrs Ickamore. Before the slaughter, everything was fine. Before the slaughter, all I had on my hand was time.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Roberts, as I sit here in my classroom marking work, Eli is outside, staring at me through the window. And, well, he's just torn the head off a jackdaw and is wearing what is left of boggles as a hand puppet. Thank God it is the end of the school year.

I hope during the school holidays you can do something to stop this behaviour. Oh, boggles, I'm so sorry. What did I do? For slaughter everything was fine. Before the slaughter, all I had on my hands was time. Dear Mr and Mrs Roberts, I'm currently on holiday in Spain after a hard year.

Look, I think Eli is here. He threw a searing hot paella at me earlier and he's currently eyeballing me from the surf wearing a jellyfish as a hat. Please, help! Before the slaughter Everything was fine Before the slaughter, all I had on my head was time.

Mr. and Mrs. Roberts, he's now outside my hotel room. He's chanting boggles, boggles, and pushing crabs under the door. I don't know why I'm writing you a letter. This will take days to arrive. I just don't know what else to do. Eli, please stop! take days to arrive. I just don't know what else to do. Eli, please stop! Before

the slaughter everything was fine. Before the slaughter all I had on my hand was time. Please! He's got through the door! Oh God, he's on my... He's dressed as

boggles! He's a giant boggles. Oh Eli, what do you want from me? No! No! Before the slaughter, everything was fine.

Before the slaughter All I had on my hands was time Before the slaughter Everything was fine Before the slaughter All I had on my hands was time. You've got a beautiful voice, Eli. Yep.

Now, when I texted you earlier to give you some information about this interview, you replied with the words, I look forward to the interview, to put the record straight, and to forcibly convert the audience to my church. Now, I don't know if you got my reply, but I just want to say that isn't appropriate.

Well, I think you got my reply, which was I don't care what you think is appropriate. I think it is appropriate, so that's what I'm going to do it? Well, I think you got my reply, which was I don't care what you think is appropriate. I think it is appropriate, so that's what I'm going to do. Right, so what... Okay. What does the conversion... Well, I want to come to me of a free will. It's not like the Branch Davidian,

but I mean, you've got two options. Join me, or I kill him. What kind of death can they look forward to if they decide not to convert? I think look forward to is the wrong word, but I mean, you can certainly expect, think about the church of Eli, we're not so much into life after death, very much into death

after life. And I'll decide how, where and when. So, are you going to, what, how does the conversion work? Do you have to... I have to do a quick sermon, you know. I'm going to do a little sermon, if you don't mind. Okay.

Dearly beloved, welcome to the first meeting of the Church of Eli. St. Pancras chapter. I'd like to welcome you all. Book of Matthew says that let him who has ears to hear, hear. Book of Matthew says that let him who has ears to

hear, hear. Book of Eli says, let him who has ears and doesn't hear have his ears cut off by Eli. Now, I want you to open your eyes to me. Open your eyes, not just in a metaphysical sense, but actually open your eyes. If you can't open your eyes

I'll help you. I've got some caustic lye, some industrial strength bleach. I'm quite happy to pour that in the eyes for you, if it will help. Open your heart to me. Again, not just in a spiritual sense, actually open your heart to me. I've got

a bone saw, which should make short work of the sternum. I've not got any scalpels on me as such, but I have got a torn up coke can. That should be sufficient to let me into your heart. And remember, there is no way to redemption but through me and specifically letting me go through you

Eli Eli Eli Eli Eli Eli Eli Eli

Eli Eli Eli Eli Eli Eli Eli Eli Eli I have had to cut the following audio. Those of you who may have been there will no doubt remember it for the rest of your lives. Which may not be that long, depending on how resilient you are to injuries. Anyway, back to the show. Okay, next we will sing the hymn that eli has taught us please everyone stand

please sing along i submit myself to eli and to him I pledge my hope. I shall not desert him when he needs me, like his mega-church in Seoul. Oh, Eli, oh, Eli, oh, he'll set my head on fire. Oh, he'll set my head on fire Oh, he'll set my head on fire That was alright, but we need more in the second verse, please. I submit myself to Eli Unto him I pledge my house I will give him all my money and my cuddle, kids and spouse. Oh, he'll push me off the bridge. Oh, he'll push me off the bridge. That was good.

Let's really give it some for the final verse. I submit myself to Eli, and to him I give my life I will do whatever he asks me Stab a pig with a red knife Oh, heavy life Oh, heavy life Oh, he'll kill me in my sleep Oh, he'll kill me in my sleep

Thank you! Thank you! It was just my dream to get 300 people singing the words Stab a pig with a bread knife So that's what we've got time for from the European Barn Doors and Gates Expo But if you're after more beef and dairy news Get over to the website now Where you can read all the usual stuff As well as our off-topic section

Where this month we tell you what happens If you throw 400 tennis balls into Tony Blair's back garden. So, until next time, beef out! Thanks to Dave Cribb, Mike Bubbins, Nadja Kamal, Mike Wozniak, and everyone who came to see us at the London Podcast Festival. Hey, if you like your podcast to be focused and well-researched,

and your podcast host to be uncharismatic, unhorny strangers who have no interest in horses, then this is not the podcast for you. Yeah, and what's your deal? I'm Emily. I'm Lisa. Our show's called Baby Geniuses. And its hosts are horny adult idiots. We discover weird Wikipedia pages every episode.

We discuss institutional misogyny. We ask each other the dumbest questions, and our listeners won't stop sending us pictures of their butts. We haven't asked them to stop, but they also aren't stopping. Join us on Baby Geniuses. Every other week on MaximumFun.org. be geniuses every other week on MaximumFun.org. Dead Pilots Society brings you exclusive readings of comedy pilots that were never made, featuring actors like Patton Oswalt.

So the vampire from the future sleeps in the dude's studio during the day, and they hunt monsters at night. It's Blade meets the Odd Couple. Adam Scott and Jane Levy. Come on, Corey. She's too serious, too business-y. Blade meets the Odd Couple. Adam Scott and Jane Levy. Come on, Corey. She's too serious, too business-y. She doesn't know the hokey pokey.

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