Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 52 - Tusk Henderson

Episode Date: October 20, 2019

Nick Offerman joins in for this episode in which we speak to celebrity adventurer Tusk Henderson about the recent revelations about his personal and professional lives.   By Benjamin Partridge and Nick Offerman.   Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com    

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Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by Granium Nutritional Sand. In this month's edition, I speak to noted adventurer and outdoorsman Tusk Henderson. Best known for his much-loved TV shows Henderson's Relish and Tusk's Progress, Tusk has been trekking, snowshoeing, climbing and kayaking his way across the world since the early 2000s, and this year, during an

expedition to the South Pole, he finally became the first person in history to drink his own urine on all seven continents. However, this week his achievements have been called into question after it was leaked to the press that, unknown to the viewing public, rather than facing the elements alone, he'd taken a cow with him on all of his expeditions. As a result of the revelations, he's been dropped by North Face as the celebrity face of their outdoor clothing product line, and he's had to return his golden crampon, the most prestigious award an adventurer can receive. I spoke to Tusk earlier this week down the line from a studio high in the Andes. Hello, my name is Tusk Henderson, and I am an outdoorsman. As a big fan of him personally, even though I knew it was my job

to roast and probe him about the cow revelations, I couldn't help but start by asking about his prodigious piss-coffing. I mean, people always cite the urine drinking, but, you know, can you believe we live in a day where people charge money for water? Hydration is literally at hand wherever you go. So you see it as a kind of natural faucet? is literally at hand wherever you go. So you see it as a kind of natural faucet? Well, sure. I mean, it's not ideal. It's pretty tart, to be honest, or salty,

depending on what kind of beef jerky you're packing. But it does the trick, you know. It'll buy you three or four more days. If you get a few days away from a stream, you've got to turn on the old spigot. And, you know, that's misreported sometimes. It's not always my own urine exclusively that I consume. So this week, Tusk, it hasn't been a good one for you, has it? Well, I mean, I've had a pretty decent week.

I had an incredible ham sandwich on Wednesday. You know when you get just the right amount of mayonnaise and it just makes your taste buds spark with joy that happened to me on Wednesday. So what I'm alluding to is the, you've been all over the, the press this week, um, with the news that, um, well, I'll let you explain, um, the revelations that have come out this week. Yeah, it's a big whoop, big news. Everybody's got their knickers in a twist because they found out that I take my partner, Pemberton, on Texas Longhorn. She's beautiful. She has a beautiful spirit. We've been friends for her whole life. She's 21 years old, and I don't go any place without her. And somehow, you know, the parasites at these tabloid New York timers think that, you know, there's something untoward about having a companion on my trips. But would you not agree that it seems as if you think there's something untoward about it as well, because you have kept it a secret all these years? What I'm saying is that given that there was

Pemberton the cow there the whole time, just out of shot, what was stopping the camera crew panning slightly to the right taking in the reaction of pemberton okay i got it you're you're gotcha you're a gotcha journalist great digging in digging right in there investigative journalism all right all right she's my soulmate sometimes you know sometimes that can be another person in your life. Sometimes it can be your automobile. For me, it happens to be my cow. And I just would rather not communicate that to the world as part of my show. They don't need to know. Are you ashamed of Pemberton? she's my soulmate. I mean, her horns stick out side to side. It's 1.8 meters from tip to tip. Now think about how wide your lens would have to be to fit both of us, including her horns, into every shot. I mean, that's just ridiculous. It's a cinematographical problem more than anything

else. I'd say that's one of the main obstacles is it's a practical concern. Okay. Well, detractors of yours hearing this news are saying that the fact that Pemberton was alongside you for all of your exploits over the years devalues your achievements. And that actually the sense that you scaled Everest alone is less exciting once you know that there's a cow there helping you along the way? All right. Now, okay, first of all, no one scales Everest alone, okay? No one has ever scaled it all by themselves. You have at least a team of Sherpas. You know, most of these fancy pants, alpine mountaineers, they have a whole support system. They take vehicles up there.

And if you think about dragging a half-ton beef cattle up to the top of a mountain, that doesn't sound exactly like an advantage to me. I mean, she does provide a lot of body warmth at night. We do spoon. But I mean, you know, do you have any pets? They're, they're wonderful. They're, they're provide an incredible spiritual salve when you can just curl up and take a nap tucked between their hooves. I understand what you mean, but I think many people are saying, listen, a cow with you

on the mountainside, it's like a Swiss army life, isn't it? Of the animal kingdom. A cow with you on the mountainside, it's like a Swiss army life, isn't it, of the animal kingdom. It's got everything. It provides you with nourishing milk. It provides you with transport. It provides you with a morale boost when you look into its eyes. Well, that's a pretty crappy Swiss army knife if it only has three attributes. You could use its horns to open a can.

I can pop a bottle of beer on the tip of her horn. And she's also really good at cracking walnuts. But, you know, those are not the most practical things to take in a backpacking excursion. Some people take a St. Christopher medal around their neck. Well, heck, that provides a lot of comfort, you know, and that's a lot lighter than my cow. So I don't know where they get off. So you're saying in a way that having that large beast with you at all times actually made it harder to do some of the things you've done over the years. Well, think about it. Think about fitting yourself a month's worth of provisions and a half ton cow into a kayak. a month's worth of provisions and a half ton cow into a kayak okay well let's talk about pemberton um it sounds like you've got an amazing relationship where did you first meet and what would you say your relationship is with with pemberton well uh she's descended from the

original longhorns which were actually brought to america by christopher columb Christopher Columbus in 1492 by way of the island Hispaniola. Those cattle then came across to Mexico and up into the land that became known as Texas. And part of that breeding line has been carefully preserved. And I was on a vision quest in the Rio Grande National Park. I'd consumed some peyote, and I was speaking to my spirit panther, and he led me to this hidden ranch where I met Pemberton and her family. And the older generations can actually communicate telepathically in broken sentences. Their English is not great.

You know, it's a mix of Spanish and English, Spanglish, I think they call it. And I don't know if it was the hallucination or what, but they said that they wanted to entrust their daughter to me as a life partner. And I took on the challenge and my life has been beautiful ever since. You described Pemberton as a life partner. That's something I think some people will be quite concerned about. Can you understand why that would be? Yeah, I get it. I get it. I've, you know, I know how people immediately think sexy thoughts when they hear the word life partner. But, you know, just get out a biology book and look up the schematics, the dimensions of a cow's vagina.

It just doesn't make sense to even begin thinking about, you know. That's low bestial thinking on the part of others who just want to create a scandal wherever they can. I can love my cow and not have to think about, you know, having kids with her. And I imagine that that vagina is is packed to the gunnels with mountaineering equipment. No, no. I mean, I wouldn't want to, you know, scratch her or hurt her up. So I just mainly fill it with with oats, a big bag of oats. More from that interview later. But first, time for your correspondence.

And this month we received a number of letters about Tusk and what he means to you. Julia Possett from Stockport writes, I've been a Tusk fan for years and inspired by his example for my 40th birthday, I persuaded my family to join me on a wilderness camp in Alaska. Within 30 minutes of having set up our tents, my husband had been dragged away by bears, my children had disappeared into the forest, my parents had fallen into a frozen lake, and I was on my knees, vomiting uncontrollably after eating a dead salmon I found on the riverbank. Barfing pink fish, like one of those machines that fires tennis balls out, but instead of tennis balls, it's big chunks of rancid salmon meat.

I prayed that Tusk would somehow come and save us, and incredibly, I looked up and there he was, driving towards me in a limo. The limo hit me at speed and I lost consciousness, waking up hours later being licked by a moose. The moose took me in his mighty antlers and took me to the nearest hospital, where it was shot and I was saved. The whole ordeal was truly horrific, but now I feel like I can face anything. Whenever I'm having a bad day at work, I think back and realise that things could be worse. Thanks, Tusk, for that.

Well, thank you, Julia, for that letter. Our next letter comes from Bob Possett from Alaska. Bob writes, my wife was always a huge fan of Tusk Henderson, and so for her 40th birthday, she wanted the family to go on a camping trip to Alaska. Almost straight away, my daughter had disappeared into the forest, my wife's parents had fallen through a sheet of ice into a freezing lake, and then to make matters worse, I was dragged away by bears. As the fearsome beasts dragged me away, I suddenly had a vague memory of one of Tusk's programmes where he explained how to fend off a bear attack. He had either said to play dead or to defecate, I couldn't remember

which, and so did both. I went floppy, lay completely prone, and then soiled myself fulsomely, audibly filling my trousers with warm dung. The bears seemed to find this shitty ragdoll act funny, and I believe it was in that moment that the bears decided not to eat me, but to bring me up as one of their own. I've been living with the bears now for almost 10 years, and although I sometimes miss my wife and my daughter, and it's pretty boring when they all hibernate for five months, I've never been happier, and I have Tusk to thank for that. Very interesting, Bob. Our final letter comes from Trent Batt from Anchorage. He writes,

Around ten years ago, I was contracted by Tusk to drive a limo for him. I would drive him from where he was filming back to his hotel at night. One night, I was distracted by the horseplay that was going on in the back of the limo between Tusk and his cow, and I to everyone who got in touch. More after this. Hiring can be a slow process. Café Altura's COO, Dylan Miskovitz, needed to hire a director of coffee, More after this. It's no wonder four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. And right now, try ZipRecruiter for free at our web address, ziprecruiter.com slash beef.

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So she was kind of like a sort of meat kayak? Well, she did more of the work, let's just say that. You skied across the Sahara? Yeah. Again, you flip a cow upside down, they make an excellent toboggan. And famously, you swam from holland to a different part of holland there was a lot of publicity around that that was when i personally actually got into the whole tusk anderson thing i bought the book of course in the book there was no reference to the half-ton longhorn was she involved well yeah she you know the uh the seas are not particularly deep in that neck.

And I actually have trained Pemberton to walk on the ocean floor. And I stand on her back. And generally, I can keep my nose above water. So she's incredibly helpful in that regard. As well as she's a great spearfisher. I guess together we are. as uh she's a great spearfisher i guess together we are i string a bow string between her horn tips and i can fire a spear off the top of her head and uh took in some very delicious cod so obviously there's millions of fans across the world what would you say to to those fans of yours who are

now thinking maybe i'll start following the exploits of a different adventure maybe i'll get more into into bear grills for example look this this is all a complete misunderstanding every one of the uh people known for exploring has some kind of hidden secret you know bear bear grills has a an enormous feral pig that he rides every place. If you ask anybody on his crew, I mean, I'm sure they've signed the nondisclosure agreements, but Bear Grylls is an absolute panty waste. That guy couldn't walk two miles without his beloved pig. Is there not a bit of a double standard here, though, Tusk? Because you're saying on one hand that Bear Gry you know you're saying he's a he's somehow less of a man maybe for for taking the pig out on

on his expeditions but at the same time you're hopping on the back of your of your cow i don't ride my cow i resent that that implication completely i don't ride my soulmate this this is my friend okay bear grills he doesn't he doesn't know these pigs. He gets a different pig for every show, and then they eat the pig at the end of the production. It's one of the perks about working for that guy is the incredible pork barbecue at the end of the show. So it's two entirely different things. I mean, there are adventurers who have secret scooters. There's a guy with an extremely large flying squirrel that he uses to get around. These guys are cheating. You know, they're putting one over.

They're getting paid as though there's some sort of rugged, you know, tough adventurers. They couldn't be softer. But you are. You're the real deal. Look, I make no bones about it. If you want, you know, people want to follow me and celebrate my exploits because of my superhuman achievements, great. I would recommend you go read a book. Get a life. Leave me alone.

I didn't want to have some show. I didn't want North Face to make me the, you know, the face of their product line. Now they've dropped me because of this supposed scandal, you know, Patagonia is calling now. Like everybody wants a piece of me. I just want to get with my cow and go out in the woods and be left alone. So what's next task? What's next for you? How about, uh, that's none of your business. Why don't I go on my adventure and hopefully there won't be a bunch of TV cameras chasing

me around? I mean, you make it sound like those cameras are following you against your will, but I'm pretty sure you've employed those people yourself to document and then sell that as a TV program. When you achieve things like I have in my life, you get used to people chasing you around. Can I get a picture, you know, will you kiss my daughter, all that kind of thing. I feel bad if they're going to go to the trouble of following me around and filming all of my exploits. Well, I want to give them a little something for their time. I mean, these are people, you know, I come to know them,

I know, hear about their kids and their home lives. So I give them a little something out of my prize money. But look, we're heading down to New Zealand. We have another excursion planned. And then we're going to head over to Australia to mess around with some crocodiles. And I hope nobody, I hope nobody shoots it. You know, I would rather just do it for myself. Well, Tusk, it's been a huge pleasure talking to you. As I said, I'm a big fan. And you know what? I hope from now on, when you're making those TV shows, whether it's against your will or whether it's at your instruction, that maybe Pemberton sometimes is in shot because she sounds like a beautiful beast. You know what? I'm going to think about that because it's always felt a little weird, you know, not having her by my side on camera. So if

somebody does want to do some kind of show again, maybe I will throw my arms around her and, you know, sort of come out to the world. A big thanks to Tess Henderson for that interview. And in case you listened to that interview and got ideas, we should say you have to have a very special relationship with a cow to store a big bag of oats in its vagina. If you try it with any old cow, you're likely to get hurt and your oats will be ruined. So that's all we've got time for this month. But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you can read all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we asked the Archbishop of York, was Jesus any good as a carpenter, or had he taken his eye off the ball with all the miracles, etc?

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