Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 62 - The Baritones

Episode Date: August 26, 2020

Amy Gledhill, Chris Cantrill, Sean Morley, Tom Burgess, Jain Edwards, Nicola Redman and Natasha Hodgson join in for this episode in which we catch up with Yvonne Sampson, mother of Talbot the megababy. Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

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Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds the beef and dairy network podcast is the podcast companion to the beef and dairy network website and printed magazine brought to you by and i can't believe i have to say this pig milk pig milk the pig milk marketing board have sent me several hundred gallons of full fat pig milk and as part of a contractual obligation i do have to drink some of it and read the following bit of Apologies for this. Here goes. Pig milk going in. Give your insides a treat. With slightly above room temperature pig milk.

Do things the Danish way. Largely parasite-free. Enjoy pig milk today. Oh, God. Oh, have you tried the... My guts are spasming already. Right. In this month's episode, we revisit someone that we met way back in episode 47, Yvonne Sampson. When we spoke to her then, her son Talbot was only six months old,

but due to the huge amount of cow's milk she was feeding him, he had already grown to over nine feet tall. Nobody wants to have a small baby. Nobody wants to have a medium baby. Nobody really wants a large baby. You want an extra large baby. That's how it's always been in my family. He was so large, a medical mega baby, and increasingly violent that she had to let him go and he was living wild in the Yorkshire countryside. He'd grown too big for me. I couldn't control him. I couldn't give him what he needed. He needs to be free. He'd grown too big for me. I couldn't control him. I couldn't give him what he needed. He needs to be free.

He needs to find his own milk now. We also spoke about Talbot's father, the professional darts champion, Kenny Baratone, who is known for his legendary womanising and his method of playing darts without using his hands, blowing the darts at the board. He's got powerful cheeks. Talbot was the result of a one-off sex session with Kenny,

and he was at the time unaware of Talbot's existence. Yvonne had tried to tell Kenny about him. But unfortunately, his wife keeps me at bay. However, Yvonne was hopeful that in the future, things could be different. She's 97 now, so she's not got long left. And, you know, I'm hoping when she passes, I'll be next in line for the throne. Yvonne came to talk to me earlier this month,

and much has changed. Yvonne, thank you for coming. It's so nice to see you again. And so much has changed between when you were here last time, talking about Talbot, and today. The big change being that you're no longer Yvonne Sampson. You are... Yvonne Baritone.

Yvonne Baritone. Married to, and he's with us here today, Kenny Baritone. Pleasure to be here. Kenny Baritone, Darts Maverick. Do you want me to sign out? Yvonne had brought her new husband, Kenny Baritone, Darts Maverick. Do you want me to sign out? Yvonne had brought her new husband, Kenny Baritone. Now, you're married together, you and Yvonne. Tell us about how that happened,

because this might be a sad thing for you to talk about, Kenny. I'm aware of that. Your wife was how old when she died? She'd just cleared level 98. We were so close to 99, and I said, baby, if you ever get to 99, I'm going to put a flake in you. And that's just the sort of humour that we had, but it wasn't to be.

So at that sort of age, you say that she was 98. Obviously, it's a great tragedy, but a life well lived and i assume dying of natural causes at that kind of advanced age well not quite no she um actually died in childbirth number 21 a lovely tommy lovely tommy boy so it was hang on it was her 21st child with you well no i have, I have 21 children. This was just her seventh. Well, when we met, she was in her mid-80s, so we've only managed to have the six children.

And the last one just did for her. What did medical professionals make of the fact that a 98-year-old woman was pregnant? They wouldn't see us. They wouldn't even take us into A&E. It was wagging fingers all around. They would refuse to let you into the hospital because they felt that what you were doing

was so unethical in a way. They said it shouldn't happen. They used the word, they banded around the word unholy. And they wouldn't let you... So where did the childbirth take place if you weren't allowed into... Bradford Interchange. Bus station. Bradford City Centre.

Best bus station in the bloody county. Right next to the Kikuti kiosk. Got some passport photos done. At what stage were the passport photos taken? Pre the birth or after the... We got all of it. We got beginning, middle and end. So hang on.

She gave birth and then subsequently sadly passed away inside the passport photo kiosk? That's the case. All right, son. Had to close the photo booth for a couple of hours, you know, hosed it all out. But you can go there now? That's the case. All right, son. I had to close the photo booth for a couple of hours, Barney. You know, hosed it all out. But you can go there now?

You can have your pictures taken for passports, school photos, three bus pass. Does it all? You can have a picture of yourself. You can put a little cat's face over it. So, great way to spend £4 on a Saturday night. I assume that kiosk has taken on a kind of spiritual meaning for you now. Is this a way that you return to, to remember the former Mrs. Baraton?

I'm in Bradford every week anyway for meet-up with lads. But I haven't been able to go back into the booth myself to be honest with you well if I could just chip in there yes I think you're forgetting one very important day actually that's where we had our wedding and that's where we got the wedding pictures done in that booth with the cat faces and actually Kenny you're forgetting that's really quite upsetting that's tough obviously that was the second best day of my life. I've had a lot of good days, you know, regional championships. And just to get married to you, the woman I love, in that photo booth,

and it felt like I respected my last wife. Felt like I knew she was there with us. Did you feel that, Yvonne, when you were getting married inside the photo booth, did you feel like the spectre of the former Mrs Baritone was in there? Well, not just the spectre. It hadn't been cleaned properly. She was literally in there with us. They'd not done a proper job, had they? Took a little bit of her own with us.

But he's over her. Oh, big time. Got to move on. Well, tell me about that. So, Yvonne, when you heard that Mrs. Barrattone had died, now, obviously, I don't want to suggest that you were delighted by the death of another person, but it certainly opened up a little avenue for you

to bag Kenny. It's a tragedy. You know, you can't say it's not a tragedy because it is in a way, isn't it? It's sad when you know you can't say it's not a tragedy because it is in a way it's sad when anybody dies but I was respectful I think I waited eight or nine minutes before I tried to contact him and um and did he pick up? No he didn't he didn't not not then uh he informs me he was busy he was busy with the cleaning staff he was still getting the photos printed you know he didn't pick up straight away i didn't actually see him until the funeral itself right the cleaning staff by the way kenny you're now very close friends with them i believe

oh hi um they came to the only ones who've been to both the funeral and to my new wedding were very coarse um too coarse they took away i'm trying still trying to both the funeral and to my new wedding. We're very close. Too close. They took away... I'm still trying to get the carrier bag back off them, to be honest with you, because we do want to put her to rest. But they've said that they want to hang around with a celebrity, so I'm going down pub with them.

And there's an extortionate element to it, but I have gained some new friends. They've kidnapped her body? Well, they're just keeping hold of it until after it posed for a few photographs. I had a pint with them down the social. They're all right. I understand it. This is what it's like being a face in West Yorkshire. Yes so one of the cleaning staffs actually a very young very pretty woman isn't she Kenny called Sally Pottington. My roaming days are behind me, baby.

And with you all the way. But I understand he does have a loyalty to Sally because she's actually still working a job whilst being pregnant. Right. And does Kenny have anything to do with that pregnancy? You can't expect a wolf not to sliver. It's what he does. You knew that when you were getting into it. Yeah, and Kenny has informed me that the conception

did actually happen before we got married. So she has been pregnant for just over a year. There's a lot of rumours flying around about this, to be honest with you, but there's no way that I could be that baby's daddy. I was on the other side of the room. There's no way that i could be that baby's daddy i was on the other side of the room no way i could save that child the child's uh i've i've doing research before this interview i saw one of those 4d scans on her facebook page of the baby um it looks it

just like it's a spitting image of kennyitone. Did it have strong cheeks? Massive, huge. I thought they were arms to begin with. Oh, Kenny. A smiler. Hello, my name is Peter Troutman. I'm a farmer based in Todmorden. Peter Troutman's family have farmed dairy cows on their land since the 1700s. One night earlier this year, like many farms in the area,

the Troutman farm was visited at night by Talbot the megababy, who sucked the milk out of all his cows. Worried that the baby would return, Peter knew that he had to do something about it. The next day, the plan is hatched. I can't have this bab sucking me cows dry. My brother, he went to Afghanistan. When he came back, wasn't the same guy, but he had all the gear. So I borrowed quite a lot of that,

wrapped myself in blankets, doing a stakeout. I'm staring out. I have a small ex-Soviet rifle, a few grenades, and one untested ground-to-air missile that my brother brought back from Kabul. Was it legal to do so? Absolutely not. And I start to feel a familiar unease. Something is disturbing the milk in my gut, and across the horizon, I see a baby. I see a baby A baby whose size, stature and level of confidence Does not fit in with my understanding of the world

I need to down this guy This baby must be felled I unleashed hell Even though I was shooting at this giant baby in front of me I unleashed hell. Even though I was shooting at this giant baby in front of me, I look back on this moment and see, you'll see a guy who's trying to shoot at himself. Trapped on a dairy farm,

handed down from patriarch to patriarch for centuries. 300 years of dust funneled into my mouth and heart. I have no choices. I have no identity. You're just a babby milker. Just like your da and his great da before him. You got no dreams. You got nothing stretching out before you. Oh, your brother, he escaped.

Lived his dreams of killing shepherds. Look at him now. Strong. Agile. Rage issues. But here I am. Just another Babi Milka. Who finally turned the gun on himself.

Although to be clear, just in case that's not clear, I was actually shooting at a real baby. So there was genuinely a baby that came and I was shooting at that. I wasn't hurting myself. So what I'm saying is that I've just been on the farm and I'm just sad. And if I can just explain, in the moment I felt a lot of catharsis because it allowed me to deal with the fact that I've never managed to really self-actualize myself because I'm part of this patriarchal lineage of dairy farmers I never got to make a choice for myself you know even my brother is all the trauma that he got from his actions and by the way I want to say I marched against those actions and I don't encourage them in any way but I do understand that someone going out and making identity for themselves based on their own behavior and not just things handed by belief systems that they have received and never critically thought

about. I've had no access to lives, experiences and ideas beyond my small community and I love toddy to bits but it is ideologically barren and that's maybe what I was shooting at but also again really I was shooting at a baby. It works on two layers. Feel free to just grasp one. This is a rich enough tapestry that you can experience but a mere slither and still come away with a full tongue. I unloaded over 20 rounds of contraband Soviet machine gun ammunition. of contraband Soviet machine gun ammunition.

The baby, if anything, looked healthier, pinker, tickled. To the baby, it was just a game. Moving with preternatural grace and strength, it erupted into a canter and then a full gallop back into the forest. A small plume of blackbirds and five bats came out of the woods and after their skittering and chittering, silence, calm, peace in the But my mind was a tempest. In my mind was a fire. For once, I had purpose. I had knowledge. I had self-determination. I am a grown man.

I'm not a giant baby. Peter's midnight giant baby firestorm brought him the realisation he needed. It was time for him to forge his own path and live his own life. Now I milk pigs and I've never been happier. We are a 100% pig milk dairy now And I've never been happier. We are hemorrhaging money. And if you're interested in the pig milk that the Todmorden Herald has described as the gamiest milk in Yorkshire, you can just hit me up on my email address. If it doesn't get to you within two days, I will send more to you with a signed apology note. Just hit me up at peter underscore troutman at yahoo.co.uk. And remember, if it's not pig milk, I will send pig milk to you with a signed apology note stating that it will never happen again. So Yvonne, the first time you saw Kenny after his wife sadly passed away was at her funeral.

Yes. Quite a bold move to go to the funeral in some ways because you weren't necessarily the best of friends with his former wife. No, no, I wouldn't say so. But I did feel like it was a mark of respect to turn up. It was a loss to the community. When anyone reaches that age, it's quite miraculous, really. So I thought it was the right thing to do, to go.

And I had just purchased a particularly nice PVC bikini. So I thought it was the perfect outing for it. Quite a respectful sort of outfit. Well, bits of it were black. So you couldn't really argue that it was inappropriate. And it was quite a hot day. It was very warm in that church, actually. So I was the only one not sweating.

You weren't sweating despite the fact that it's made of PVC? No, I've got a medical condition, which means I can't sweat. I do not sweat. Let me tell you, yes, bone dry. Whereas I'm, you know, every garden's going up full pelt lovely dry Yvonne so Yvonne arrives

at the at the funeral wearing her PVC bikini I imagine some eyebrows were raised Kenny not least your own

well the thing to say the only thing I'll say about it to be honest with you is that grief is a process and that PVC bikini really did help

make it as short as possible. So by the afternoon we were ready to get out and get to Legoland. You went to Legoland together? Me, Yvonne, little Tommy. Great times. And your 20 other children. And my 20 other children, yes. Of course, they had to come. And Sally Pottington.

Because I look after them. And her four children. I've had 20 other children, yes. Of course, they had to come. And Sally Pottington. Because I look after them. And her four children. Which, there's some, you know, people spend nasty lives, but I'm going to look after them all. Why are you paying, I believe you're paying for the sort of upkeep of Sally Pottington's children. She's a good girl. One of them's a cyclops.

Does a cyclops child need more support than a... He's getting bullied, stomach chronic. By me, but I feel so guilty about it. So I thought we'd all go to Legoland. So let me just establish the timeline here. In the morning is the funeral. By the afternoon, you've made it all the way from East Yorkshire to Windsor to go to Legoland.

You've taken your 21 children with you. You've taken Sally Pottington and her four children and would you describe this as a date well it's the best day of my life is how I'll describe it it should be pointed out that the funeral was at 5am so we could still make you know the queue because the queues get massive't they, in the Windsor one? So we was on the road by six. Yeah, well, we were on the M6 down Birmingham by noon and we were in Legoland just before closing. Bit of an odd day. So you arrive at Legoland shortly before it closes.

You paid to go in at no small cost given the number of people that are going through those gates. Oh, I was, you know, all said and done, it was the best part of five grand, but it's a special day. My old family and my new one together at Legoland. It feels like there's a kind of missing step here. So you've got the funeral at 5 a.m. You then get in your car and decide to drive to lakeland

with your children and yvonne who's you're sort of describing as if she's already your new girlfriend i watched as you just did you decide that yvonne was your was your partner it was at service station on the m6 just outside birmingham and uh it was on the M6 toll where we really cemented it. Kenny was driving, but we still managed it. We sent the rest of them on the non-toll version, so they went the slow way, giving us some time to consummate the new relationship. Best £5.65 I've ever spent.

So you took the faster toll road in your car. Sally Pottington takes the, what, 25 children? Yeah, she's got one of them, you know the lorries, what, transport cattle and pigs and stuff to the slaughterhouse. She's got one of them for family. Right. So, yeah, they went on the slow road, we went on the toll. And by the time we got there, by the time we came off the toll,

we were going steady. It was amazing. I'd describe it as blissful. It felt blissful. We were riding in the car, getting on with love, really. All lorries and cars were beeping around us. It was a celebration. That's what it felt like.

Considering how we'd started the day at 5am couldn't believe where we ended up at 1.32pm it was very romantic i had i had a leg out of each window i'd gone all the way up to fifth gear if you know what i mean not to be crude about it the only problem was my attire because as you know i am bone dry so the PVC bikini was a real tricky thing to get off actually it kind of stuck to me hadn't it you hadn't talced before you put it on no I hadn't helped um because I'm so dry naturally I don't usually need to talk I usually need to just pop a little bit of cooking oil on before I usually put my jeans on or anything so So no, I hadn't talked. And on the motorway with his big fingers, trying to get that PVC bikini off and drive and pay the toll booth.

It was a hell of a feat, but you know what? He pulled it off. There was a moment where in the heat of it, in the desperation of it it he was clawing at me and he ended up ripping it open with a with a very sharp dart that he kept in his back pocket and it did the trick and just 45 minutes later lovemaking was complete wow so he was hacking away at your PVC bikini with a dart for 45 minutes? Oh, no, no, no. Sorry. He was only doing that for, I would say, up to 45 seconds to get into it. And then, well, not to put too fine of a point on it, but we was rutting all the way down the motorway. 45 minutes until climax for him. I didn't manage it on that occasion because I was absolutely terrified of the way he was driving. I made love like a play of darts, without my hands.

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pig milk today? Please drink boiled pig milk Tropicano cocktail in a can responsibly. And then you're a couple. I believe, Kenny, you've moved into Yvonne's house. Me and the kids and Sally obviously. So in the house now there's two of you, there's Yvonne, there's Kenny, there's your your children? Yeah, we've all my children equally of course. Cyclops isn't mine but I still love it you know we won't treat it any differently. I don't bully him a lot, he gets bullied I'm obviously one of the worst offenders for that. I'll hold my hands up, but it's for his own good.

In what way is it for his own good that his stepfather victimises him in such a way? Because if he gets too confident, I fear for the safety of my family. It's a bit of a show-off and has some quite dark tendencies and the eye starts glowing and we don't know what happens past that point. So I think if we keep it self-esteem low, it's just a regular eye. Well, Jeanette from Zumba said that she's actually seen the Cyclops shoot a laser out of its eye

We don't want to be listening to her Pregnant, where's her dad? I don't know, but she's round a lot, isn't she, Kenny? Oh, she likes what we've done with the kitchen She's thinking of getting the same thing done What have you done with the kitchen? I'd take it out You'd describe it as four baths the same thing done. What have you done with the kitchen? I'll take it out.

You'd describe it as four baths. But with a family that big to feed you do have to cook beans in a bath. There's no there's no way around it. It's kind of like

a trough based eating system. Absolutely. Yeah. Just fill it with beans heat them up. No. No?

How do you eat up a bath? It's a logistical nightmare it's cold beans cold beans every day for everyone just served in a bath yeah served in the bath i pour them in the bath they come they kneel down they eat out the bath one bath for beans one bath for milk one bath for water and one bath to natural bath because we got rid of the bathroom because we needed more space for bedrooms right if you've got 24 children in under one roof to feed you're going to have to start making uh choices some of you what from the big city will describe it as a nightmarish existence you probably describe it as a 24 hour never-ending bean buffet but you say

that as if i would think that's a bad thing. I've seen it. I've seen how you dress wearing shoes and these trousers. It's in your whole way of life. And you're going to judge it. You're going to put this podcast out. You're going to make us look like there's something wrong with us. It's what they did to Michael Jackson, isn't it? It's exactly what they did to Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson. Hello, my name is Father Simon Featherby. I'm the parish vicar of St Bartholomew's Neopresbyterian Church in Clackett in Somerset. When Father Simon read in the newspaper about Talbot roaming from farm to farm causing havoc across the north of England, he immediately knew what he believed to be the cause of it. The fact that Talbot hadn't been baptised. Lack of baptism can lead to all sorts of spiritual defects, a life of crime, general laziness, lack of backbone. In some cases, it will cause a child to grow to nine or ten feet and grow a pair of tusks. Father Simon had his own specially kitted-out baptism van,

a normal tradesman's van with a large vat of holy water in the back with a long hose attachment, which he would use to forcibly and publicly baptise misbehaving children. When he heard about Talbot, he knew that it was time to get the van on the road. So I got my personal assistant, Pat, a lovely old woman, does the flower arranging at church, and we just drove up to Yorkshire together. And then eventually we got to Yorkshire, and I saw, framed against the sunset, this towering figure. I knew it must be Talbot. I recognised the tusks.

He was, I can only say, hurling a rolled-up pig at all the cows in the field, knocking them down like a set of skittles. If the pig became too far for him to pick up again, he'd simply reach down, get another one, roll it up into a perfect sphere, never seen anything like it, and just hurl it towards the cows again. It was round about this point that things began to go a bit pear-shaped. I got

out of the van, went round the back to sort the hose, get it connected to all the holy water, and I told Pat to go and restrain him as best she could. Now, bless Pat, she's got a seely determination to her, but looking back, she was about half Talbot's height. So I suppose I shouldn't have been too surprised when about 20 or 30 seconds after I'd opened the back door, I I heard this strange sort of shrieking gargle and looked up and there was Talbot just ripping her in half it's hard to describe the exact

sound that she made so I suppose I'd better just imitate it. And that went on for about 15 minutes. I'm amazed he did it so precisely. He managed to just peel her into two exact halves, right down the middle from head to toe. And then sort of slowly hollowed out what he'd found,

like two halves of a kiwi fruit. And then he just threw two halves of empty skin to either side of me. I'm sad to say, in the rush, I was only able to collect one to bring back to the family. It was an open casket funeral, but it was all right as long as you looked at it from one side. I tried as best I could to very quickly use the hose to baptise him, but to be honest with you, the water just bounced off him. I'd never seen anything like it before. He reached down to impale me on one of his tusks. I was able to duck and then hid myself in the nearest half of Pat I could find until he eventually got bored and went back to his game of pig cow skittles. Fortunately, I realized that while I'd been hiding, he'd absolutely totaled my van.

The local mechanic said it was totally fucked. I've seen plenty of strange and terrible things in my time on this earth. Once saw Cliff Richard live. Still think about that from time to time. What happened with Talbot and Pat was probably the strangest and most terrible thing that I have seen, or hopefully ever will

see. And I must say, if any of your listeners are ever in the Clackett area, do drop by. Drop by the church. Lovely congregation. Lovely flower arrangements. Less so now.

It's a lovely place, lovely town. There's a wonderful farm shop just outside, actually, that has any wonderful tart pig milk. Only £5 a gallon. So let's talk about Talbot. Kenny, can you explain to me when you first found out that you had a child called Talbot and that he was a medical megababy?

And Yvonne, did you have to tell him or had he heard the podcast? How did you find out, Kenny? I don't listen to podcasts myself. I don't understand them. I don't like them. But obviously word goes around the community um that apparently there was this giant child that could be mistaken for a 40 year old man i mean this was you know eight months ago so he's now twice as big as that um that saying that he's mine but

but i don't believe that he is mine because none of my children have ever grown above four feet tall science now von hearing this i'm sure you've had this conversation privately has it been a struggle to convince kenny that he is talbot father. It sounds like that's the case. It has been a struggle. Talbot doesn't have the forefoot that Kenny does. He's obviously a lot bigger. He doesn't have the dart skills. Because when they were introduced briefly, Kenny did try to teach Talbot darts,

but he didn't have a natural flair for it, unfortunately. He just picked Kenny up and threw him. He did get a bullseye once, but that's when he threw Kenny and he actually hit a bullseye. Not my child, using his hands. Talbot does have those strong cheeks, though, because as you explained last time, he was able to talk from birth because of those really strong, developed cheeks.

How do you account for that, Kenny? There's some coincidences sure but up in east york so these cheeks are everywhere all over the moorland not in the valleys so you know could be could be my child but it's almost certainly definitely not is that i can see yvonne that's quite hard for you to hear well it's very difficult to hear because, as I've told Kenny time and time again, he's the only man I was intimate with at that time. Kenny, you know you were the only thing that was up inside me. There was you and now and again there was the handle of a cricket bat.

So is this an ongoing argument between you? I mean, you're very clear that Kenny is the father. Is Kenny doing anything to support Talbot? No. Unfortunately for the family, for our section of the family, it views Talbot as less than the Cyclops, which is really hard because I hate that Cyclops. And to see my precious baby boy being cast away

and this one-eyed monster walking around my four-bath kitchen, it's hard for a mother, obviously, as you'd expect. Do you not think, Kenny, that you should view Talbot as above the Cyclops in the pecking order? Don't get me wrong, both of them are a threat to my life. At the minute, both of them posing, me and my family, imminent danger. But I have to prioritise the Cyclops.

He's a Cyclops respectful. He's a Cyclops as it can damage his self-esteem and keep him small in that way. But the Cyclops isn't even your child. He's one of Sally Pottington's, which you've claimed is not your child. No, but I do write by those in my life, so it's more evidence that Talbot isn't, because I'm not willing to give him anything.

So your evidence that he's not your child is that you're not willing to support him. Exactly. Now tell me, Kenny, when you're not willing to support him? Exactly. Now tell me, Kenny, when you were first taken to see Talbot, Yvonne drove you out to the countryside, what was that like when you first saw him? Can you just describe the scene for me? Originally I thought it was a bit of a hill,

but it turned out to be a giant baby man. So I put my foot on her foot and tried to run him over in the car but that was foolish really that's kind of where we got off on the wrong foot

he picked the car up before he was in before he was in a canal so I kind of wish I'd have played that a bit differently but

the battle lines have been drawn and neither of us will rest until the other is dead. Are you actively trying to kill Talbot? I'm not trying to kill Talbot. But, you know, I'm struggling in a minute

because I threw a javelin at him and that bounced off. Right now, I'm just trying to lure him into a tar pit. Local tar pit. And I'm going to wait until he gets stuck in the entire filet-full of rocks. See where that gets us. Yvonne, how does it feel hearing Kenny talk about Talbot in this way?

You know, he's just described how he would like to kill Talbot by luring him into a tar pit. How does that feel as his mother and as Kenny's partner? Well, it obviously puts me in a very difficult position. It's very hard for me to hear this because I know in my heart that Kenny is Talbot's father. And Talbot is, of course, yes, he's different, he's unique, he's special, but he's an 18-month-old baby boy and he's my baby boy.

And it's really upsetting to know that his own father doesn't see how special he is. When, I'll be honest, a lot of people in the community do realise he's special, they do see what a unique, powerful baby he is. It's fair to say that he has split opinion in the local area. Opinions and cows. Split them in two. So half of them are frightened.

And I understand I'm not going to bury my head in the sand. Talbot does that for me. I get that he can be quite a daunting presence in the community. If he turns up on your farm, obviously animals are going to die. And I understand that can be quite a worry but also people do flock now to see if they can catch a glimpse of him he's he's become like the Loch Ness Monster or a Yeti and there's t-shirts as merchandise and that's my main source of income at the minute is is Talbot merchandise and you've you've begun the Talbot Safari quest yes oh i wondered if you'd bring

that up. Yes. Thank you. Yeah, that's going really well. So we do two tours every day and we all get in the big Jeep. You're in a suit of armor just for your own personal safety. And we go around, we see if we can spot him. If we do, we try and chase him, but it depends what mood he's in. We have a really good laugh doing that, actually. I've put some jokes in, there's a few songs. And then at the in, there's a few songs. And then at the end, there's a little, it's not a gift shop, it's like a wallpaper-pacing table, but it's got mugs on, it's got Talbot masks on, and now he's grown horns and tusks.

We sell novelty horns and tusks that you can take home, and it's a really good day out. Kenny, Yvonne has been able to create a successful business out of taking tourists to go and see talbot that's bringing a lot of income to the household you were able to move into a bigger house recently with more room for the 24 children and i believe sally pottington has got her own sort of granny annex yes yes she does i don't have the key for that but kenny does ken does. Kenny spends a lot of time there. Just make sure she's all right. Make sure the Cyclops isn't bothering her too much.

Just works for us. Kenny, can't you see then that despite your feelings towards Talbot, he has given the family a real gift? Obviously, I do have half an eye on the future because my darts game is still strong. But the other day I found myself thinking about using my hands because my arthritis in my jaw is getting so bad. So I do think about what I'm going to provide for these kids when I have to hang up my darts.

But no, I really, really bloody hate that Talbot. He's a real... I'd describe him as an abomination. Is there any way that you feel that you could love Talbot? What would have to happen for you to love that giant, hideous baby? The only thing is if he maybe teamed up with me to, you know, finally kill this cyclops. The current plan is I get Talbot to run at the cyclops,

absorbing the laser beam while I sneak around the back and smash his head in with a bit of brick. And were Talbot to help you do that, you could finally love your son? I don't know if love's a strong word, but I'd definitely let him sleep in Shed and stuff. Yvonne, does the fact that there's a pathway does exist for Kenny to begin to love Talbot, does that give you any hope?

It does give me hope. And I think with Talbot supplying an income which we really need with such a big family I think Kenny's going to be more and more on board when he sees the numbers of the tours increasing especially because Talbot is the only one of Kenny's children that's making any money whatsoever which I do resent because some of his children are older than me and two of them are older than him. And then they're not in work? No, no, they just bend down and eat at the bean bath for free on Talbot. So really it's Talbot that's keeping the family together. So I think

we're all hoping that Talbot does manage to team up with him and kill that Cyclops. That'll be a real big worry off my mind. And then, well, then hopefully I can team up with Talbot and get rid of that Sally Pottington. Right. What's your plan for Sally Pottington? I'm just going to smash her head in with a brick. Do you need Talbot to help you with that? The Cyclops guards her day and night. With the Cyclops gone, I could finally have a pop at Sally Pottington. I'm Bethany Joseph and I work for a company importing cheap candles, mainly from the Far East. Bethany turned 30 years old last month and to celebrate, her boyfriend wanted to make one of her dreams come true.

She had always wanted to go on a safari. We got on the coach just outside Manchester, and I, you know, think it's going to be the coach to the airport. We're arriving in Hull, and I'm like, Hull doesn't have its own airport. So I turn to my boyfriend, and I'm like, aren doesn't have its own airport so I turn to my boyfriend and I'm like aren't we meant to be going on safari and he looks me dead in the eyes and he goes this this is the safari I've brought you on safari to see a giant baby

we get off the coach and you know I, I'm looking drop-dead gorgeous, right? Got my little cargo hot pants on, zebra print shirt, right? Little camouflage vest over the top of that, right? I'm looking gorgeous, ready for this safari. Get off. The guy says to us, you've got to put on medieval suits of armour. So I'm putting on this suit of armour, right? Down below, massive leather codpiece. These are original medieval suits of armour from the 1500s. They're disgusting. No one's washed them since. People have been

in and out of them for hundreds of years. Somebody definitely died in mine. We've been waiting for hours now in this street for this baby to show up, right? It's getting dark. This almighty trembling starts happening. The trees start separating. I'm clinging to my boyfriend for dear life. Suddenly he starts leaking everywhere as his armour fills with piss. As this huge baby appears from out of the woods.

This thing is tearing towards us. The guy turns round to me and goes, that baby is going to want your tit. I'm like, absolutely not. Just when I'd resigned myself to death I spot a little cyclops child striding across the grass firing lasers out of its eye. Baby starts crying. Baby starts crying. Baby doesn't like it. Baby ran off.

I thank that Cyclops child, whatever it was, every day of my life for saving us. If you're listening, thank you, Cyclops. Thank you, Cyclops. Thank you, Cyclops. Thank you, Cyclops. Anyway, when we got home, we had some lovely pig milk. Can just say with an outsider's eye your household seems dysfunctional is a word i'd use um right but you two are happy in this i want to be really honest with you actually yvonne i understand that that kenny has been someone you've been in love with almost your entire life he's a local celebrity he's a dance champion and now you've finally got him I think you ought to think about whether he's actually making you happy wow I mean that's a big question really because I've got everything I've ever wanted

I've got Kenny Baratone. He's dreamy, he's handsome, he's four foot. There's nothing that I dislike about him physically. It's just he comes with a hell of a lot of baggage. And I need to decide if I'm willing to take on his baggage, if he's not willing to take on mine, mine being Talbot. Kenny, how do you feel hearing that? My only crime is loving too much. My 21 kids, Yvonne, I love her. I know it's not perfect, it's not a fairy tale. You eat your beads

at a trough and I want better for you but I'm an old man you're only 35 yeah but you know that everyone in my family dies at 40 well except your dad he's 80

oh yeah and your mum is 79 skip to generation you've got 5 years left do you not think it would be better to reconcile with Talbot in the knowledge that you won't be here in five years' time?

It's just life gets complicated, doesn't it? I have found myself thinking more about maybe being with him, maybe being together, me riding him, going to the houses of my enemies, smashing them all up. But it's a fool's dream. I need to let it go. It's not a fool's dream. I need to let it go. It's not a fool's dream. That could be a reality.

Kenny, you could ride my baby, our baby, across the Mars, under the moonlight. So I think we've made some progress here today, haven't we, Yvonne and Kenny? Am I right in saying that somehow your heart is thawing, Kenny, when it comes to Talbot, and you're willing to give it another try? If he agreed to my terms of the meeting,

then maybe I'd be open to having a conversation about reconciliation for my Yvonne. I love you, Yvonne. A big thanks to Yvonne and Kenny Baritone for that interview. And sadly, since that interview was recorded, all Talbot Safari quests for the foreseeable future have been cancelled after a number of customer deaths. Not due to anything Talbot has done,

it turns out that the medieval suits of armour contained traces of black death. If you have been on a Talbot safari quest, the official advice is to make a posy of sweet-smelling flowers, herbs and barks, and to waft it in front of your face as you walk through your local area, ringing a bell as you go. Just lean into it and enjoy yourself. So, that's all we've got time for this month, but if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now where you can read all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section where this month, electronic music pioneer Vangelis tells us how eating acorns saved his marriage. So, until next time, beef out. Thanks to Amy Gledhill, Chris Cantrell, Nicola Redman, Natasha Hodgson, Sean Morley, Tom Burgess and Jane Edwards. Also Amy and Chris who

played the baritones in that episode they are together a live comedy double act called The Delightful Sausage and I absolutely love their live act but they've also now this year got their own podcast and it's so good and you have to check it out. It's called Tiredness Kills. It's described as a podcast dedicated to eradicating sleep. And it is so good. It's one of my absolute favorites. So do check that out. Also, thanks to everyone who pledged their support for the podcast during MaxFunDrive last month. I cannot thank you enough. And until next time, goodbye. Schmanners. Noun. Definition. Rules of etiquette designed not to judge others, but rather to guide ourselves through everyday social situations.

Hello, Internet. I'm your husband host, Travis McElroy. And I'm your wife host, Teresa McElroy. Every week on Schmanners, we take a look at a topic that has to do with society or manners. We talk about the history of it. We take a look at how it applies to everyday life. And we take some of your questions. And sometimes we do a biography about a really cool person that had an impact on how we view etiquette. So join us every Friday and listen to Schmanners on MaximumFun.org or wherever podcasts are found. Manners Schmanners. Get it? Hey, if you like your podcast to be focused and well-researched

and your podcast host to be uncharismatic, unhorny strangers who have no interest in horses, then this is not the podcast for you. Yeah, and what's your deal? I'm Emily. I'm Lisa. Our show's called Baby Geniuses. And its hosts are horny adult idiots. We discover weird Wikipedia pages every episode. We discuss institutional misogyny. We ask each other the dumbest questions and our listeners won't stop sending us pictures of their butts. We haven't asked them to stop, but they also aren't stopping.

Join us on Baby Geniuses every other week on MaximumFun.org MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.