Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 64 - Goodbye Bimpsie

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

Natasha Hodgson, Henry Widdicombe, Tom Crowley, Mike Wozniak, Lucy Farrett, Tim Bick and Hal Lublin join us as we say goodbye to Bimpsie.By Benjamin Partridge, Natasha Hodgson, Henry Widdicombe, Tom Crowley and Mike Wozniak.Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

Hello. Before we start this episode properly, I just want to address something that many of you have been in touch about in recent weeks and months. A few episodes ago, we introduced a co-host on the podcast, a pink children's character called Bimpsy. And I'm joined today by my new co-host, Bimpsy. Hello, Bimpsy. Bimpsy. Hello Bimpsy. Bimpsy hasn't appeared on the podcast since and many of you have been in contact to ask where she is. Here's a random selection of some of the correspondence we've received. This first one. Dear Beef and Dairy Network, where has bimsy gone she was so accomplished in that first episode she rather outshone the regular host who i find to be quite smug and then it it goes on um uh this one dear beef and dairy network bimsy appearing on the show gave me the confidence to leave my husband and fulfill my lifetime dream of opening a shop selling wicker furniture.

I'm not quite sure how Bimsy helped with that, but giving you a picture. Just one more. And this one is just full of hot gravy! Sorry. is just full of hot gravy! Sorry. BIMC was the creation of a PR company, Handcatch PR, that we engaged to try and help us raise our listenership in the face of financial difficulties.

It is now public knowledge that because of some financial mismanagement by our former accountant Dominic Bumrun, we now have significant debts in euros to the Estonian government and in grain to the actor Ted Danson. It is our contention that this strategy of bringing Bimpsi on board hasn't worked, and I wish to make it very clear what the network's decision is about the future of Bimpsi as a character, and I'm going to ring Melanie from Handcatch PR and tell her now. Hello, Melanie.

Handcatch, Handcatch PR. Hi, Melanie. Beef and Dairy Network here. Oh, hello. Hi. How's things? How's things going? Nice to hear from you.

Been a while, but... Yes, it's been a while. Look, I'm not going to beat around the bush here. We've, here at HQ, we've been talking about Bimpsy. Oh, I mean, who hasn't? She's been on everyone's minds, on everyone's lips.

Actually, now you say that's... We do actually have some good news for you. We've got the audience data in from Bimpsy's episode of your little show. Right, I mean, we don't i don't need to know the the data because we've already come to a decision oh oh have you yeah a lot of thought was going to this but um yeah we're we're not going ahead uh with bimpsi so many thanks for your input but what do you mean you're not what do you mean you're not going ahead with dimpsy are you mad have you seen the numbers uh no no uh okay well before you make some silly

decisions why don't i just why don't i just show you what's what's been happening behind the scenes in the machine all right so i don't think it's going to change you know my opinion but i think i think once you hear what's been going on you might just i think very differently indeed so you know as we said at the time we took your little show about um dirt dirt and things uh and we identified that you were not optimizing well at all for a very important market the girls between six years old and nine years old and you agreed with that didn't you at the time you said you thought yeah it wasn't very well we weren't really aiming for those people yeah because we you know our advertisers are an agricultural supplies company who mainly sell feed and insemination products so you know

it was hard to imagine girls it was baffling for me honestly trying to be like well how is this appealing to little girls yeah we weren't trying to appeal to little girls that's the thing well no you weren't no that wasn't necessarily a problem for us exactly so that was that was your mistake to begin with overall listenership for the bimpsy episode that went out you know we were up five percent which you know that's fine that's respectable but where it gets interesting you drill down to the numbers your listenership in our targeted market which was the six to nine year old girl market it went up 400 percent wow that's well okay that's amazing 400 percent yeah the thing is though i'm not a mathematician but to work out a percentage like that you have

to know how many you had to start with right so how many yeah how many six to nine year old girls were listening previous to the bimsy episode according to your research well yeah in the numbers that number is that's one right so 400 rise on one is yeah what's that total listenership of four uh no five see yeah five but you know 400 and you know we've got we've gone from one we've gone from one to five which is it's still not many people is it let us worry about the numbers all right you know my girls they they absolutely loved it they went crazy they've been drawing bimpsy in a variety of situations on a hang on how many girls do you have oh thank you for asking yeah to a kendra and mckendrick right so lovely two of the

extra listeners that the show picked up because of bimpsy were your children yes and actually they were um listening to it with one of their very good friends a lovely um seven-year-old girl called megalin belforce right okay so we've got the original listener we've got your two children kendra mckendrick yeah they're doing well then there's megalin belforce yeah that leaves a mystery person who we picked up do we know who that is no that's the thing actually we yeah we do not know who that but we're gonna yeah we're gonna track her down i think because that's you know who is she i'd be fascinated to know that also it's important to say she could be statistical error right right it can't be overstated it's 400 four or five young girls isn't going to turn around the it's not going to bring in the kind of money we need is it

but the point is they're listening they're purchasing they're consuming i mean how much they're consuming you know how can you show me data that shows for example that one of those girls put in a big order for granium nutritional sand um i can't no or you know the rat big on rodent harpoon they've not no none of those they've not purchased any of those have been they haven't looked a lot so basically what you're saying is we gave you in the north six figures kind of money and we've got nothing back you have to look at it in terms of you know input and output money wise you know we had costs there was things we had you know i had to pay carol carol the actor she you know played bsey. So how much did you pay Carol? We didn't pay her.

It was very good exposure for her. Look, you know, Bimpsey, you should be grateful. The work we've done, Bimpsey brought something, you know, beautiful to your usual turgid, horrible little mix of grubby, welly men from the farming community, talking about farming and farms all the time boring you had a problem i solved it you know it's not me who's up my eyeballs in debt to the government of estonia and the claimed actor ted danson no don't don't talk about that i just think

you know the letters keep coming they're getting the the debts rolling in the letters are getting bigger and they're getting more and more angry shades of red ted danson is not being gonna be put off so i don't know what your solution is i'm trying my best to help look as far as ted danson goes we're just ignoring the letters you're ignoring the letters from ted danson you know what happens if you do that my advice to you would be do not bully ted danson okay he cannot read he can only write he's a very emotional man he works on feelings alone he scratches out notes of hatred in his red red inks and we have to bear the consequences of that as far as i can tell bimpsy has not brought in any money or any grain for us to send ted danson so don't get him started on grain again i've managed to just about get him started on grain again. I've managed to just about get him off grain. Oh, he'll take money now, will he?

Money, blood, and a very specific type of medicinal root, which I'm having an absolute nightmare trying to find. And I'm not getting into all that again. If you want to take a backpack to the Himalayas and grouch around in the dirt with Ted Danson, on your head be it. How have we got to this point? We paid you to make this get better i have

to say at this point is there an issue perhaps of jealousy you've been doing this podcast for a long time you've been you know scratching around making your living you get one magical beautiful being on for a minute and suddenly you've lost control people want bimpsy that's been clear maybe maybe it's time for you to step down what what no hang on it's funny because i was i was going to actually have this conversation with you i was going to suggest bimpsy took over on more of a full-time basis the beef and dairy network podcast is sponsored by Smooth Girl, the new cattle shaving system from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Our research shows that a shaven cow is a happy cow. And with global prices for cow hair for use in pillows and wigs soaring,

you can't afford not to shave your herd. For 10% off your next pallet of Smooth Girl and your chance to win a 20-piece set of premium cow hair wigs, simply use the code YOUSHALLGOETOTHEBALL. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. Welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine, brought to you by Smooth Girl, the new cattle shaving system from Mitchells. While Smooth Girl is designed specifically for cattle, it is safe to use for humans, and finding myself with half an hour to kill, I fed myself through it last night.

As such, I am now completely hairless, an eyelashless wonder, a pink worm, a giant baby rat, a raw hog roast, a plucked pheasant, a clammy oyster, a slick rick with bald bits and bits. Luckily, they also sent me a selection of cow hair wigs in various styles. Today, I'm rocking the classic 1990s Jennifer Aniston look. Flexibility, cow hair wigs, be thy name. Now, in this month's episode, we speak to dairy farmer Bobby Tosler about the problems he's having with the low levels of both selenium and cobalt in his soil. And Bobby joins me now. Bobby, thank you for taking the time to speak to us.

Hi, yeah. Are we just, is this the bit we talk before you hand me over to Bimp C? No, no, no. this is very much the interview. I'll be interviewing you today. So Selenium is a kind of... Hold on, just before we start, I thought I'd be talking to Bimpsy today. What was it that gave you that impression? Because that wasn't in any of the emails, I don't think.

Well, I just assumed because it's a beef and dairy network with Bimpsy that I would, I told everyone that I'd be talking to bimsy today i've been on the forums and i mean i kind of need to speak to bimsy today the thing is that bimsy isn't part of the beef and dairy network anymore i mean she really only was for an episode about six months ago you might have noticed that since then she hasn't been on the show and dairy network anymore i mean she really only was for an episode about six months ago you might have noticed that since then she hasn't been on the show and now what an episode that was i mean the impact that that episode had in the farming community i haven't seen an impact like that in the farming community since mitchell's boy algranium the arrival of bimpsy

it just revolutionized everything bimpsy was was trialed for one episode um and the trial we've thought about the trial sorry the trial passed no it didn't pass with flying covers no no it didn't we we tried her out and it was our uh considered opinion that we didn't want to go forward with that as a as an option so yeah there's no more bimpsy i'm afraid i beg to differ if you were to see the forum is still very much alive and talking a bimpsy there are multiple threads general bimpsy chat sorry is this an this is an internet forum yes and when i talk about revolutionary none of us used to speak to each other and now it's opened us all up it's like a network of farmers discussing

all sorts of different things to do with bimsy like where she come from? How can she help? I went on the forums, and I said, guys, I'm going to be talking to Bimsy. You get one question each, and I will put them to Bimsy. And I promise you, I will return with the answers tonight. I've made that promise to the guys. And I just need to speak to Bimsy.

Look, there's a lot to unpack here. Bimsy is just a character. So Bimsy is just a made-up thing. You know, back in that episode, she was played by an actor called Carol. You know, so really talking to Bimsy is not possible you can see my position here i've told the lads okay you've talked yeah okay yeah i get i understand that you either need to get me bimsy or get the questions to bimsy okay ask me the question and i will

pass it on to bimsy so we found that our from our forage data that the soil is deficient in selenium. We kind of expect this because of the slightly acidic nature of the soil and the amount of rainfall that we get. need to do is run through the rainfall data for bimpsy and get bimpsy's take on what kind of supplement we should be using on the soil so last year it got over 900 millimeters of rain in a calendar year i'm just i'm going to stop you here i don't understand To get a pad and pen? No, not to get a pad and pen. If Bimsy was anything, she was an actor in a pink suit. Okay? An actor with no understanding of farming,

no understanding of what you should do if your soil is deficient in selenium. So she was real? Carol was real. Can I speak to Carol? Carol might know where Bimpsy is. Carol is Bimpsy. Oh, great. Can you get this data to Carol?

In 2018, it received around 850 millimetres of rain. In 2017, we got 975 millimetres of rain per annum. 2016, 700 millimetres. Not as much, but still enough to deplete the topsoil of selenium. I mean, it's just possible that, and I don't mean to cast aspersions, but it's just possible that you don't really have enough going on in your life, that you've transferred a lot of your energy into talking about a fictional character given the deficiency of cobalt and selenium in our soils to say that i don't have enough going on

is quite the statement 2017 975 millimeters yeah 2060 like i've got a lot going on here that's a lot of rainfall to deal with okay i into already acidic soil i take okay i take this back i take that back that was a bit rude of me actually i take it back so you've got a lot on your plate i understand that she has to be the answer why did bimsy appear and where has she gone more importantly i'm gonna have to put you on hold a sec sorry hello you're through to melanie hand catch Hankatch PR. Hi, Melanie. Beef and Dairy Network here again. Hello. Look, I know we spoke before. You wanted to apologise.

I understand that. Do you ever find yourself thinking really hard about Bimpsy? Like, do you ever find yourself just really preoccupied with thinking about her? Thinking about Bimpsy yeah like do you ever do you ever dream about bimpsy every night do i ever dream about her every night like for the past six months if you don't get back her every night um and then you wake up every morning and you're sweating and you're tired because in your dreams you've been flying around the universe having

adventures with bimpsy and you have time to sleep really because you've been flying around the universe having adventures with bimsy time to sleep really because you've been flying what kind of adventures are you having with what do you mean by that what as you're asleep you're dreaming about the character bimsy that we created for your pork poker in the dream she seems so real and then you wake up and you miss her all day and you can't wait to go back to sleep because that's the sleep world becomes the real world you know because that's where bimsy is are you all right i just are you i yeah i mean from a professional standpoint i'm obviously uh thrilled that you've had such a you know a positive visceral reaction to to the market testedested character we've created in a meeting room. But I think from a personal standpoint, are you crying? Crying isn't always a sad thing, you know?

I think I need to speak to Carol. I think if I just spoke to Carol... Carol, the actor who was inside the flimsy suit, that Carol. Do you have a number i mean i do i'm not i do have it can you send it to me i feel uncomfortable about this well look let me ring her can you send me her number yeah okay send that to me i've got to go sorry hello oh hi can i speak to carol please Hello? Oh, hi. Can I speak to Carol, please? Carol?

Yeah. Sorry, is this a joke? No. Have I got the wrong number? Is this Carol's house? Yes, this is Carol's house. She's been missing. She's gone missing. She's been missing for six months. What? Sorry, who are you? Are you a friend of Carol's? Uh, sort of. Yeah.

Well, do you know anything about this? Do you know where she is? Uh, no. No. Uh... When did she go missing exactly? Six months ago. She was going out for a job, an acting job. She was... You couldn't miss her. She was dressed in this big, weird, pink monster creature with wings

and this weird big eyes and some sort of antennae on the top. And I don't know what the job was. I wish I did because then maybe I could help tell the police where to search.

But I don't, do you know anything about this job? No. No, no, definitely not. I've, I've actually not seen Carol for 28 years. 28 years?

28 years, yeah. So, no, I'm no use when talking about recent jobs she may have done, whether dressed as a pink monster or not. How did you know Carol? We met in the army army in the army that's it yeah we were in the army together and as such formed a bond that can never be broken i've known carol since we were 16 we were childhood sweethearts and she never mentioned being in the army yes and i'll i'll tell you why that is yes please might come as a bit of a shock to you carol was recruited to the army as a uh super secret black ops child soldier what because uh she was not born in the conventional sense she She was created in a lab as a hotshot sniper.

Oh, my God. With, you know, super eyesight and less sort of hand jiggle for when they hold the sniper rifle. Oh, my God. And then she was discharged at the age of 15 before you met because she had become just too powerful. Oh my God. And that's the truth. That's what happened. And the reason that you don't know about that, despite being married to her, is that she was never able to tell anyone.

It was specifically forbidden by the army to tell anyone and in fact i shouldn't have even told oh my god this explains everything really this is why she was so dead set on being an actor to escape to escape the the memories and the lab and the child murder training because oh god she was a dreadful actor oh she was the worst actor she was this god, she was a dreadful actor. Oh, she was the worst actor. She was this terrible. But she was a good, good wife. Oh, I'm sure. This is why we try to tell her to stop.

We try to tell her, no, give it up. It's a competitive industry and you're bringing nothing to the table. But she wouldn't listen. She just kept going out, audition after audition. And then, of course, she's off on her way to some job playing the big pink thing, and that's what takes her away from me. Of course it is, of course it is. Oh, God.

She's gone and no one can tell me where she is. Okay, I have to call the police. I have to call the police and tell them about this child soldier genetic experiment element of this because they have no idea and I need to help them find her. Oh, no. No, I wouldn't. Oh, I wouldn't do that. No. Why?

Well, just think about it. Just think, you know, lab-made soldier. Do you think the army are just going to fess up to that when the police come knocking? No, I... Jesus. You know, and also i you know and also you know we don't know if this is why carol went missing it might all be it might all be connected

you know you might be putting yourself in huge danger you know before you know it you're you're being used as a footstool in the kremlin so right no i and i think you know don't tell the police about this and also maybe stop even just stop looking for carol altogether oh god you're right you're right oh my god i can't i can't go to them i can't tell them why can't i can't tell the police about this. And also maybe stop even, just stop looking for Carol altogether. Oh God, you're right. You're right. Oh my God. I can't, I can't go to them. I can't tell them. Why can't, I can't tell anyone.

Why can't anyone help me? And, you know, definitely don't try and track down the last known whereabouts using CCTV or something like that. Because, you know, who knows what you'll see? Who knows what you'll be dragged into? Oh God. Definitely don't do that.

Maybe just forget, just stop looking for Carol altogether. You know, maybe this will be hard hard but maybe just emotionally write her off and then oh carol you know she does come back that's a bonus isn't it just think of it that way oh god carol why she was such a good wife she was such a thoughtful person a terrible actor but a good good person and now she's gone and there's nothing i can do oh god carol why carol oh right uh all the best nice to chat and keep your pecker up

Hello my name is DCI Dexter Watley of the Homicide and Major Crimes Command at the Metropolitan Police We were initially alerted that Carol Spenley had not returned home from work on a Friday, I believe it was, back in March.

That got pushed up to my department after several days when there was no sign of her and it was believed that she was a high-risk missing person. Normally if someone goes missing, they're usually not dead. They're usually recovered within 48 hours. Of course, most of the time, it's one of the big three reasons. They've got their head stuck in something, small pedal bin, coat hanger, cattle grid. They've become deeply immersed in a compelling Dan Brown novel. Or they've attended a saxophone lesson that is simply overrun because they've become completely lost in a that has simply overrun because they've

become completely lost in a 48-hour bossa nova solo. If you've got past the 48-hour mark and those reasons have been excluded, then that's when it gets kicked up to my unit. Carol. Carol. Carol. Carol. Carol. Carol. Carol. We deploy modern techniques, particularly victim profiling.

So people think that criminal profiling is very sexy. Actually, what we do is profile the victim. So we go deep, we take a deep dive into the victim themselves to work out where they might have gone, what they might be into, who they might be seeing. These things you get into when you delve hard into the heart and soul of the person. And that's what I did with Carol. Drama is where it begins and ends for Carol.

She's a passionate actress. That's clearly all she's ever wanted to do, which I've gathered from watching many hours of toe-curling home video from her childhood and teenage years, and later as a self-proclaimed professional actress. I think it's worth noting that she is also one of the worst actors I have ever seen. I'm by no means an expert, but I can tell when shit stinks, put it that way. Carol. Carol.

Carol. Carol. My leading theory, despite her abysmal lack of talent, was that she had joined some kind of roving, moving theatre troupe, and she was out there somewhere, doing what she loved best. roving, moving theatre troupe and she was out there somewhere doing what she loved best. So, with a heavy heart I hit the regional UK theatre scene.

I've had to watch I mean, endless, endless hours of the most gut-wrenching crap you could possibly imagine. Phantom of the Opera where all the cast members were newborn babies. Don't know why I thought she'd be in that. Cats, starring actual cats. Glen Gary, Glen Ross in Mime. A reimagining of the wind in the willow set entirely on a

very fast-moving carousel. A PG stage version of Mel Gibson's Apocalypse. At least half the audience was flung off within 45 seconds. Noises Off, starring a cast of nonagenarians with complex movement disorders. 14 theatrical Jumanji spinners. Pinter's birthday party, not so much in the round as in the sphere. Fiddler on the Roof in a World War II bunker. Tom Clancy's The Patriot Games with Birmingham accents. A traumatisation of Mucho Gusto, easy learning Spanish for beginners, Volume 1. Sub-aquatic Tarzan.

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat done by Schnauzer. Othello on a barge. Downhill dry ski slope Oklahoma. The Complete Hunger Games series as a monologue. Tis a pity she's a whore with sock puppets. Waiting for Godot that didn't actually have a cast, just two Catherine wheels. The importance of being earnest, starring all the living ex-mayors of Sudbury. Streetcar named Desire on a cross-channel ferry.

Much Ado About Nothing performed exclusively with shouting. A bootleg version of Hamilton, with all the music and dialogue changed for legal reasons. Dr Faustus with a free chicken booner that was very bland. The complete works of Agatha Christie at the same time. Lego Hamlet. Kabuki remake of season three of CSI Miami. Long and short of it, I wasted an awful lot of time. I've spent at least four and a half thousand pounds of the Met's budget on tickets.

Carol was not in a single one of these productions. tickets, Carol was not in a single one of these productions. And during an immersive promenade War Horse Lion King mash-up that I went to see in Salford, some crazed actress kissed me on the mouth and now I have oral herpes. Of course, time is creeping on now. Typically, after a certain amount of time, we are forced to write people off. I, like anyone else, don't like working weekends and I want to be able to put my feet up of a Thursday evening. So it was looking like that was it for Carol's investigation.

She's not famous. By all accounts, she was a fairly irritating individual. She wasn't wealthy. So the typical drives that might make us press on with an investigation simply weren't there so uh it seemed like that was that was pretty much it for carol hi bobby sorry about that um that's okay Have you got her? No, no. Bimsy?

No, no, no. Bimsy is further away than ever, I would say, at this stage. No, you're never going to meet Bimsy. I don't think anyone is. But I've literally just been on the forums saying that you'd gone to get out. No, that's not why I went. You put me on hold.

Yes. So what were you doing? Why else would you have put me on hold? You know, that's... I thought you'd gone to get... No, I wasn't going to get Bimsy for you. That's not what I was doing. Carol?

Because if we can get this rainfall data to Carol, perhaps she can get it to BIMC. I've got problems with selenium, with cobalt. Right. Have you considered just using some kind of supplements, just cobalt supplements in the feed? I'm not an expert, but that seems like an obvious. If the cattle aren't getting enough cobalt and selenium

through the ground, through the grass, then you can just put it in their feed and get some selenium drench or something like that. Put it in the feed. I don't understand. Is this from B from bimsy yes put it that way yes uh bimsy just popped up and um sent me a brainwave okay what about carol yeah don't worry about carols so as i said i just got a message from bimsy a brainwave message okay saying that what you need to do is to get some selenium and cobalt drench add that to the feed those are bimsy's words great

that's question one of um 37 right done should i just go through them yeah yeah One by one? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so Ralph has got quite a serious problem with RFMs. That retain fetal memory. Pimp C's dream. Bimsy Bimsy Hello Oh, hello. Oh, this is nice. Oh, hello. Charming Farmyard.

Oh, hello. Oh, God. Oh, ow. Get off. Get this bloody dog off me. Oh, he's got my bollocks. Oh, he's got my bollocks. He's got my bollocks in his mouth. Oh.

Bimsy, I don't know what you're crying about. I've just had my bollocks bitten off by a dog. Bimpsy, I don't know what you're crying about. Just some mucbolics bitten off by a dog. Bimpsy. Last year alone, 45 people were bitten by dogs on British farmland. But more importantly than that, it is time to say goodbye to Bimpsy. To Bimpsy. To Bimpsy. To Bimpsy. to Bimpsy. The stars are calling her home.

Meet her at the top of the mountain. Come alone. Come now. It's time for her to go. Don't be late. She's going home. Forever. Forever. Forever. Forever. Forever.

Forever. Forever. Forever. Are you okay? Sorry, Bobby. I've just got to nip out a sec. Sorry. More after this hiring can be challenging but zip recruiter makes it fast and easy when ceo ali needed to hire for a multi-faceted role at his wallpaper company walls need love but his search was slow going so he turned to to ZipRecruiter. And today you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. He said that his perfect candidates, skills and experience were a great match for the role. Plus, she applied within a few days after he posted the job.

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You're gonna get beef. You want beef? You're gonna get beef. I am slash beef. ZipRecruiter.com Slash beef. It was Thursday the 8th of October at 9.32pm when my sergeant called me at home to tell me that a body had been discovered. Not only that, but the body was found within three and a half miles of where Carol had last been sighted. Of course, 95% of bodies are discovered by dog walkers. It

just so happened that this one was one of the 4.5% that was found by teenagers conducting a seance. On arriving at the scene, I remember hoping, hoping of course that the body was that of of carol um not as in hoping that she was dead but i mean it's nice to close a case everyone everyone likes a sense of completion but to my dismay the forensic officer on scene informed me that this body had been deprived of its head, lungs, liver and anus. The head, of course, is an absolutely classic way of recognising a body, and indeed people in life will use the head to recognise people who are alive and not dead. Of course, the jewel in the identification crown is the anus.

No two ani are alike, not in the contemporary world, not throughout history. No one has had the same anus as you have today. If we'd found the body intact, then the first thing we would have done, if there'd been any doubt about the identification, would be to take the anus and send it immediately to Lyon, to Europol's ANAS unit, the ANA Notification and Analysis Unit. A bunch of absolute whiz kids there. They can read an anus like you and I can read the back of a cereal packet. But that wasn't to be here, of course. I should add, and I know I shouldn't be speaking politically as a fully warranted officer of the law. But if we leave Europe without a deal, there's the real risk that we could lose access to ANAS, to this Europol service.

And I don't think the public are quite ready for what that means in terms of dead bodies, missing people. It's going to be absolute chaos. We need that ANUS database. Of course, British politicians and Brexiters have talked about building a British equivalent of ANUS, but what they're missing is the fact that there's generations of expertise in Lyon. In Britain, there has been no proper ANus register since the Doomsday Book. When of course the local squire would come round when a baby was born

take a piece of damp blotting paper, press it into the anus of the newborn baby and put it into the Doomsday Book. That doesn't exist here. We have the Europeans to thank. They managed to get people from Britain when they pop over on holiday. You might be in Marbella passed out on the beach and they pop over on holiday. You might be in Marbella, sort of passed

out on the beach, and they'll get a print. The reason why so many holiday locations in Europe say you can't flush the toilet paper down the loo is because actually you're doing your own anus imprint on the paper and then putting it in a bin that a police officer from Europe is then collecting later on to put it into the database, at no expense to the British taxpayer. Of course, they're trying to pilot BAS, the British Anus Registration Service. But, I mean, they're doing a piss-poor job at the moment. For starters, it's voluntary to register.

It should be compulsory by law. And they're just knocking door to door. They're knocking door to door. No one's heard of them. All of a sudden, you'll open the door, there'll be an out-of-work steelworker who's asking to take an imprint of your anus. You're going to say no. And the difference in technology is massive. In Europol and ANAS, they've got the absolute latest in laser anus mapping. Here you've got one of two things. You've got someone doing a rubbing with a wax

crayon, or you've got someone writing a description in prose. It's not good enough. To put it in perspective, anus in Europol have on record currently over 450 million ani on record. Bias, 14, and one of them is mine. As for where all this leaves Carol's investigation, it's my gut instinct that this is her body that we've found. I believe she is dead. Legally, her family will have to wait seven years

for that to be declared officially, because we can't identify the body. There's nothing we can do about that. So my advice would be just to forget it and move on, really. If she is alive and if she is still out there, then, you know, it's been a long time now. Clearly, she doesn't want to come back um and to be fair it's no great loss really i mean you only have to look at her online performances um and listen to her voicing bimpsy um to see that sometimes sometimes it's for the best if the chaff chuffs off.

Hello? Hello, is this the man I spoke to before? If it is, you have to call me back because the police... The police have found a body. But the body was missing its head, lungs, liver and anus, so it's impossible to identify. But I know, I know it's Carol. I know it's her. She could never conceal her identity from me.

All those plays, all those interminable two, three hour long plays I sat through. She tried to be somebody else and she couldn't do it. She could never disguise her identity from me. And that's how I know it's her. That's how I know the body's her because she's a shit actor. If you know anything else you have to anything else, you have to tell me. You have to tell me. Do you know anything about the lab where she was grown?

Do you know who was in charge of the experiment? I need a name. Would she have any identifying mark on her? Somewhere, anywhere on her body, would there be a kite mark or a serial number or something? You have to tell me. Would her kidneys have a barcode on them? The spleen, the small intestine, anything? Please give me some information.

You have to help me. Pimsy. Pimsy. Pimsy. Bimpsie! Bimpsie! Bimpsie! Bimpsie! Bimpsie! Bimpsie! BIMPSY! Hello, Melanie.

Handcatch, Handcatch PR. Listen, Melanie, I got a message in a dream to meet Bimpsy, but she's not here. What? Sorry? What are you talking about? The voice said that Bimpsy wanted to meet me. Bim- Bim- Bimpsy's not real! Bimpsy's as real as you and me! Listen to me carefully. All right, Bim she's not real bimsy's as real as you and me listen to me carefully all right bimsy is not real bimsy is she's a woman called carol who's dressed like a pink alien with horns who

shoots rainbows from her fingers She's a woman called Carol Dressed as a pink alien with horns And shoe trembles from her fingers She's a woman called Carol Dressed as a pink alien with horns And shoots rainbows from her fingers Shoots rainbows She's my heart She's a woman called Carol

Dressed as a pink egg and with horns And she trembles from her fingers She's a woman called Carol She's a big egg in her thorns She trembles from her fingers Where are you Bib Bimpsy? I'm here! Bimpsy!

It's time for Bimpsy to go back to her home planet. Who are you? Why, I'm the narrator. Right. What does that mean? I've been narrating the whole time. You've just never noticed before. What do you mean, the whole time? I've been narrating the whole time. You've just never noticed before. What do you mean the whole time? I've been narrating your whole life. You just never bothered to listen.

Oh my god! I've seen everything. I've been here all along. What? Even the time when I... Oh yes. Not the time when I... Yes. Then too. Oh god. So, so... What's going on? Where's Bimpsy? It's time for Bimpsey to go home. But Bimpsey's not real. She's just a character. If I'm honest, I don't understand it either.

Do you mean Carol's going home? Is that what you mean? But she's dead, isn't she? Seriously, I don't really get it. I don't think it makes any sense. Bimppsy! Bimpsy! Bimpsy. There she is. But she's huge. Bimpsy. And there she was.

Bimpsy. Appe appearing over the horizon. But this wasn't the Bimsy we knew. She was at least ten times bigger than before, the size of a house. And her skin, once pink, was now every colour all at once. A kaleidoscope of whimsical, magical wonder. Rainbows fired from every orifice, lighting up the sky. Bimsy! I'm sorry for everything I said about you! I didn't mean it! Bimsy...

And Bimsy looked up into the night sky and her eyes, burning with rainbows, met the elegant spacecraft which descended to meet her. Don't leave us now, Bimsy! There's so much you have yet to teach us! Hello, Melanie. Handcatch, Handcatch PR. Melanie! She's leaving! What? Bimpsey is flying home! Oh my God, look, I've got a squash lesson in ten minutes, so I've got to leave the office.

Bimpsey will finally be reunited with her kin! Right, I'm going. With a final glance at the world she was leaving behind, Bimsy's feet escaped the chains of gravity and she began to float. As she ascended to the craft, a hatch in its bottom opened and a column of warm light embraced her as she rose. Goodbye, Bimsy! Goodbye, Carol! Bimsy disappeared into the craft, and as quickly as it had arrived, it vanished into the night sky,

whisking Bimsy to whichever far-flung galaxy she was going to next. Bimpsy! Fear not, young man. Bimpsy is still here, inside your heart. No, she isn't. She just got in that spaceship and flew away. She's gone! No, you're right, she's gone.

Sorry I was trying to be comforting and sound profound, but honestly, I don't know what's going on. This is a message from the UK government. The way the police identify bodies is changing. Since 1973, police in the UK have used Europol's ANAS, the European ANO Notification and Analysis Service. From the 1st of January 2021, it is expected that we will switch over to our own British Anus Identification Register, the British Anus Registration Service, or B-ARSE. To help us build the database, do your patriotic duty and send a rubbing of your arsehole made

with a wax crayon to BeArse today. Be proud. Be British. Be Arse. Hi, Bobby. Sorry. Are you still there? Yeah, yeah. I was hoping you were coming back with Bimpsy. No, sorry. Sorry, if I'm honest, I forgot you were there. Sorry.

You've been gone for like five hours. Yeah. Just a tip, Bobby. In future, if you're ever interviewed on a any other sort of media and the the person who's interviewing you disappears for more than five hours i think it it's safe for you just to close it down and and assume that the interview is over i think just in future i made an entirely different assumption. I just assumed you were suiting up as Bimpsy. Suiting up? You were so knowledgeable earlier. Oh.

Suiting up? Yeah. Because you told me earlier that Carol was Bimpsy. But Carol wasn't around anymore. I thought maybe you were Bimpsy. Because of the cobalt information you gave me yeah well there's an update there I'm afraid so I continued to receive brainwave messages from Bimpsy while I was away

and just to say that she's gone back to her home planet so yeah we won't be seeing Bimsy again. But we need to see Bimsy again. She's gone home. And I think you should tell the guys on the forum that, and you should be happy that she's managed to find her way back to her home.

Where... Have you got any ideas where this planet is with the knowledge we've got on that forum we can come up with something to get a message to bimsy have you got any information at all of where this planet is sorry bobby i i don't uh right i've got to go i'm afraid bobby thank you so much for that interview it was fascinating to hear about your journey with selenium and I wish you all the best

and hopefully with those supplements you'll see a difference in your calves and their milk yields and yes great thank you Bobby bye just be sure to get in touch if you hear anything from BIMC. Bye, Bobby.

A big thank you to Bobby Tozzler for that interview. Best of luck with your selenium and cobalt deficient soil. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. This is a message from the UK government. How do you feel about a Belgian man looking at your anus on a computer screen? That is the reality until we switch to Bias on the 1st of January 2021. All of Bias's records are kept on paper in a locked filing cabinet in Gillingham and will only be looked at by respectable British

citizens. Why not add your noble British anus to the pile? Be proud, be British, be arse. Actually I'm going to do it now. Marjorie what? get me a wax crayon a what? get me a wax crayon so that's all we've got time for this month but if you're after more beef and dairy news

get over to our website now where you can read all the usual stuff as well as our off-topic section, where this month we try and find out whether it's possible to get by in modern society by replacing your mobile phone with an old-fashioned film camera, a paper diary, a newspaper subscription, and a knife. So, until next time, beef out. And with that, it was the end of the podcast. What began less than an hour ago has now reached its conclusion. But fear not, it will be back next month, by hook or by crook. Thanks to Natasha Hodgson, Henry Willicombe, Tom Crowley, Mike Wozniak, Lucy Farratt, Tim Bick and Hal Lublin.

Are you feeling elevated levels of anxiety? Do you quake uncontrollably, even thinking about watching cable news? Do you have disturbing nightmares, only to realize it's two in the afternoon and you're up? If you've experienced one or more of these symptoms, you may have FNO, f***ing news overload. Fortunately, there's treatment. Hi, I'm Dave Holmes, host of Troubled Waters. Troubled Waters helps fight FNO. That's because Troubled Waters stimulates your joy zone. On Troubled Waters, two comedians will battle one another for pop culture supremacy. So join me, Dave Holmes, for two, two, two doses of Troubled Waters a month. The cure for your f***ing news overload.

Available on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jared Hill, co-host of the brand new Maximum Fun podcast, Fanta. And I'm Travelle Anderson. I'm the other more fabulous co-host. And the reason you really should be tuning in. I feel the nausea rising. To be Fanta is to be a big fan of something, but also have some challenging or anti-feelings toward it. Kind of like Kanye.

We're all fans of Kanye. He's a musical genius, but like, you know. He thinks slavery's a choice. Or like the real Housewives of Atlanta. Like, I love the drama, but do I want to see black women fighting each other on screen? To the no, to the no, no, no.

We're tackling all of those complex and complicated conversations about the people, places, and things that we love. Even though they may not love us back. Fanta. Maximum Fun. Podcast. Meow. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture.

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