Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 67 - Milking Machine Misadventures

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

Natasha Hodgson, Cariad Lloyd, Tom Neenan, Mike Wozniak, Linus Karp and Tim Bick join in for this episode which looks at a worrying trend revealed by the 2020 agricultural workplace injury statistics. By Benjamin Partridge, Natasha Hodgson, Cariad Lloyd, Tom Neenan, Mike Wozniak, Linus Karp. Thanks to Tim Bick. Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is sponsored by Milk 7000, the new milking system from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. The Milk 7000 is the world's fastest milking machine and can drain a full cattle udder dry in under 10 seconds. It's also the only commercially available suction system currently strong enough to milk a whale. For 10% off the installation cost of a Milk 7000 system in your dairy,

simply use the code I'MMILKYTAKILLAWAILBB. Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and a printed magazine, brought to you by the Milk 7000 milking machine from Mitchells. Mitchells actually sent a Milk 7000 system to Beef and Dairy HQ this week so he could see it in action, along with an accredited Mitchells demonstrator called David Begas. David Begas arrived in a flatbed truck

and under a large damp towel on the back was a cheerful narwhal, which he intended to milk using the system. We're not sure what went wrong entirely, but it seems the system may have somehow been put into reverse, and instead of milking the narwhal, it instead, at great speed, filled it with milk left in the tank from a previous demonstration, causing the narwhal to burst, sending its tusk flying through the air, skewering David Begas and killing him instantly. You've no doubt seen the video online.

This episode is dedicated to the memory of David Begus. A lot to get through on the show today, but first of all, something very important. I just want to make it publicly known that we have terminated the services of Handcatch PR, the PR company that we engaged to try and increase our listenership and pull us out of the financial nosedive that we found ourselves in as a result of what can only be described as a deeply ropey accountant and mounting debts to various people, including the government of Estonia, and a sizeable grain debt to the actor Ted Danson. We have no reason to doubt the sincerity with which Melanie Handcatch of Handcatch PR tried to do her best, but listenership has actually fallen during her tenure,

and it transpired that David Begus was also a listener, so now we're down another one. We have cut ties with Melanie, so if you'd like to get in touch with us about business partnerships, advertising, or if you'd like to buy some narwhal meat, please contact us directly. Now, if you're a regular listener to the podcast, you will no doubt be aware of our weekly live quiz web stream, Beef Call. Two big bits of Beef Call news. First of all, Beef Call is now open for business 24-7-365. And to celebrate this, for the next month, the prize on every Beef Call game will be a lifetime supply of beef. That's top quality beef guaranteed until the day you die and an extra shipment of grief

beef for your funeral. And secondly, we've decided to change the phone number, partly because there were complaints that the number was too long and hard to remember, and also because it turned out that if you mapped the numbers onto the Cyrillic alphabet, it contained a hidden message about the nature of sovereignty, national determination and the Crimea peninsula. So we've decided to come up with a new number. And here it is. That's right. The number to call is 1. And that'll work wherever you are in the world. Just punch in a 1 and let the games begin. It's also worth mentioning that because of this change, it will now be impossible to call other countries whose

international dialing code begins with a one. So sorry if you're trying to call a number in Canada, the United States of America, or many of the Caribbean countries. That now simply isn't possible. You'll press one and you'll go through for your chance to win a lifetime supply of beef oh sorry hang on hello hello this is melanie hang catch from hang catch pr okay melanie i'll stop i'll stop you there i'm right in the middle of making a show at the moment so i can't can't speak to you also we terminated your contracts i'm not sure why you're calling that is absolutely relevant termination or otherwise we've got a problem and the problem is as i'm sure you well known the actor ted danson he's calling in the debt what do you mean he's calling in the debt we've

got plenty of time to pay him back his grain according to the endless it's often musical and deeply horrifying messages he's been leaving on my phone my professional uh working phone you've got 24 hours you owe him 29 million tons of grain and you know according to him if you don't deposit it in his california silo within 24 hours the consequences will be yeasty and dire right melanie uh even if we had 29 million tons of grain which by the way we do not so much grain how how that's gone up so much it's interest his interest his interest rates are crazy okay everyone knows you don't get grain from dancing you know that he's a shark he's a grain shark

this is just absolutely ridiculous he's ringing you're telling me it's ridiculous you're telling me it's ridiculous even if we had 29 million tons of grain there's no way on earth we could physically get it from here to a california silo in hours. Boats don't go that fast. Tell that to Danson. That's all well and good, but he keeps just repeating, the loaves must be made. The loaves?

The loaves. The loaves must be made. He's banging on a kettle with a little wooden stick, shouting, the loaves must be made. Melanie, I don't know if this is some sort of hoax on your part. April Fool's Day isn't rolling around for another few months. So if you just let me get on with my job, please, because I'm in the middle of a show. I'm sorry, Melanie.

This is not going anywhere. Bye. You need to deal with this. Sorry about that. Now, as the curtain rises on 2021, the annual agriculture workplace injury statistics for 2020 have been published by the Farmyard Safety Commission. All the usual injuries are present. Gawrings, drownings in milk, semen or slurry, burns, funny turns, drinking from an enchanted urn, general hog escape and retrieval injuries, getting hoofed in the chest by a tetchy heifer, chopping your arm off with a bandsaw,

chopping off your other arm while attempting to retrieve the first arm from said bandsaw, general amputations, incantations, trampling, scrambling, Charlotte ramplings, and of course, being pecked on the face by an angry hen. Most of the injuries occurred with similar frequency to previous years, but the real shock was an over 8,000% rise in the number of injuries arising from someone jamming their penis into the nozzle of a milking machine. To get a medical perspective on the nozzle of a milking machine. To get a medical perspective on the rise in penis milking injuries, I spoke to friend of the show, TV doctor Sam

Archer, probably best known for his appearances on BBC Radio 4's A Little of What Ails Ye, and his recent Channel 5 series, The Great Big British Celebrity Antibiotics Challenge. I began by asking Dr Sam what sort of injuries he has seen as a result of someone slipping their secret sundial into a milking machine. First things first, you see a lot of death. I'd say just under half the people who have a misadventure with one

of these machines will die as a result. That is high. Yeah, it's anything from blood loss to blunt force trauma to one man who the village found out he'd been doing it and he died of shame. What about the people then who do survive? You've got just under half are dying, sadly, and then the rest are surviving. They're alive.

But I imagine some pretty horrible injuries the worst one i've seen is a relatively young man who was actually he was drawn into the machine and he was turned fully inside out by the machine he's still alive he's still you know he's still around let me just picture this the the kind of the skin is on the inside now like a burst sausage sort of turned inside out he's managed to turn his eyes around so he can't see out luckily but um but you know he he is an inside out man you can see his organs and his interior workings so he's kind of like um that that style of architecture like the pompadour center in paris where all the escalators are on the outside and experimenting certainly with some very um divisive human architecture i'd say but he is alive i mean i'm finding that hard to believe because is it viable to have all your organs on show all the time it's not ideal he was a farmer

he can't farm anymore um he can't walk the land his feet are too tender he has a sort of a chamber filled with a kind of a um a synthesized amniotic fluid that he bobs around in quite happily. I guess if I had to sort of try and create an image for you, it would be the children of Rick Moranis in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids when they're in the cereal in the Cheerios, and they're sort of bobbing around in there. But he's not panicked. He's not worried Rick Moranis is going to eat him. He's actually quite content in there.

He seems happy. Right. That's quite a calm image, isn't it? Like a huge cereal bowl just bobbing around. It's quite nice, quite peaceful. Yeah. I think he's quite a calm image isn't it that like a huge cereal bowl just bobbing around it's quite nice quite peaceful yeah i think he's found a version of peace he there are some things he misses um he can't really eat anymore uh he sort of just absorbs nutrients through the fluid that needs to be from the cheerios uh they're not right okay sorry no that was just a comparison there aren't any cheerios in the fluid i think if they came into contact with these sort of exposed flecks that would cause

pain so so it's just like it's just a fluid that's in there right but he could try the cheerio thing because you know if you sweetened the amniotic fluid it might might be quite nice for him i'm just just spitballing you know i'm not a scientist but um i i believe the sort of severe change his body chemistry i i think that would result in death that that's as a as a medical expert that would be what i thought but what a way to go yeah i mean you know what's quite strange is that because he's now just got a constant source of food there's a chance he might live forever so you know we we need to think about how maybe drawing his life to a close at some point in some natural way and maybe we could

consider it then because otherwise he'll just continue absorbing nutrients and existing and i guess sort of in the other extreme he he might become incredibly powerful incredibly sort of intelligent and then we probably need to call it a day so have you got that power to decide whether he lives or dies is that is that in your gift um i mean all you need to do is uh visit the the barn on the rockcliffe path if you if you know sort of where i live uh just open that barn you'll see a tank in there and i think anyone could end his life you sort of instantly uh just tip over the tank and leave him to sort of flounder like a fish. So is that an open invitation to listeners

of the podcast to go and do that? Please don't kill him. He's very vulnerable and you could do it, no one would know you were there. You could do it in like three seconds and then just be out. It'd be the perfect crime really but please, please don't. That'd be my sort of request I guess to your listeners. Just don but please please don't that'd be my my sort of request

i guess to your listeners just don't please don't murder this unfortunate man yeah but at the same time you did you did give out his address so subconsciously it feels like you probably do want someone to tip over the tank i did didn't i i just really yeah sorry it's on rock cliff that yeah barn there. And that's in Surrey, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've done that in myself, I guess. I'll go away and think, do I want him am I scared of the potential

power he might have, worry to live forever and sort of do I want someone else to do my dirty work? Oh, that's interesting. That's a, I'll ponder on that. Because I've not personally met Kenneth obviously. He can do. He's on the barn off the Rockcliffe Pass near Guildford. So what exactly is it that you're worried that Kenneth will become?

Is it, you know, that he'll become a sort of all-seeing super brain who can harness the power of plants and animals to bring humanity to its knees? Is it that sort of thing? Possibly. I mean, like I say, at present, Kenneth is just floating around in a tank in his barn, quite serene. So no, I guess he's got no plans as of yet to make that a reality, but, you know, watch this space.

And as I say, the space is on the Rockcliffe Road, it's in the barn off the Rockcliffe Road near Guildford. And as I say, it would just take seconds. I mean would you probably would need to get out the car you could just drive the car sort of into the barn then tip it out and then just reverse out of there no no one could um no one just tip the tank over with the front of your car just push it yeah yeah or you know just uh use the use the bumper to sort of pierce the the glass it's not it's not sort of thick glass. Let the fluid drain out.

And he'd be dead in seconds? Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, it could be that the shock of even seeing that the fluid is draining would kill him. So, yeah. And then everyone's safe. Exactly.

You know, finally, order would be restored to the universe. More from Dr. Sam later. Oh. more from dr sam later oh sorry hang on melanie hand catch hand catch pr please tell me you've solved this dancing problem because things are getting weird melanie look as i said before i'm in the middle of a show so have you shipped it can you keep what do you mean have i shipped it no we haven't got we haven't got shipped it we haven't got any grain okay melanie so i don't know how you imagine i could suddenly magic it up and it? We haven't got any grain, okay, Melanie? So I don't know how you're imagining I could suddenly magic it up and ship it.

You've not got any grain. Do you not... You've not got any... You need grain. You need not just a bit of grain. You need 29 million tonnes of grain. So how did you imagine, Melanie, in the last 10 minutes,

I was able to magic up 29 million tonnes of grain? What's your suggestion then? If we can't give him the grain that he not only requires but deserves what what's your plan because i'm getting freaked out melanie you are a you are a pr professional okay you've got the gift of the game right that's your that's your job so uh just sweet talk him reason with him sweet talk actor tedon. Actor Ted Danson cannot listen. He can only speak. And increasingly, those words are just low howls. I think I can hear, I can make out words within them,

but every word turns my heart to pastry. I hate this. The lobes have to be made. Would he accept money? You know, there's a reason why money was created as a mode of transaction. There's a reason, you know, we can get him money almost instantaneously. You know as well as I do, he does not consider money to be anywhere near the order that grain can give.

But you can try. I mean, if you've not got any grain at this point, the sordid coin may suffice. Okay, well, we also don't have that much money. So certainly not enough to buy 29 million tons of grain. The sordid coin may suffice. Okay, well, we also don't have that much money, so certainly not enough to buy 29 million tons of grain. But we've got some. How much do you have? What have you got?

What is it? 28 million tons? No. How much can you... Put it this way. It's probably enough to buy a Nintendo Switch, a couple of controllers. Oh, my God. Animal Crossing.

You think Danson's going to be satisfied by being able to play Mario Kart? He doesn't have any friends. He's just got the open hills and the chase. He needs his silo, his California silo, to be full to the brim with delicious grain. Look, I get it, Melanie, I do, but I'm right in the middle of a show at the moment.

Oh my God. I can hear something. I think it's calling again. Sorry, I've got to hang up. Sorry, bye. I can hear something. Sorry. I think he's calling again. I've got to hang up. Sorry. Bye. I can hear it.

Please. one one that's right another little reminder the new number for beef call is one just press the number one and you're through for your chance to win a lifetime supply of beef this is apparently already causing problems in countries where the number for the emergency services starts with a one that's almost every european country the majority of Asian and African countries, a few countries in South America and various other places. By making the number one the number for Beef Call, we've essentially cut off the emergency services for over half the world's population. But it's for the best. Think of it this way. In an emergency situation, that might be someone's last opportunity to call Beef Call. Now, back to our big story this month, the huge rise in penis injuries arising from milking machines. To talk about this trend, I spoke to milkmaid Tessa Essler, who currently works at the Mary's Hands Dairy in Dorset. Tessa has appeared on the show before,

an interview with her and her then-fiancé, the bovine arse vet Bob Triscothic, about how they had met on the Beef Encounters dating app. However, as you may remember, their relationship broke down in the studio during the interview, as among other things, she discovered that Bob doesn't like milk. You know I'm not that keen on milk. Sorry, what? I've told you that. You're comfortable with that. No, you haven't told me that. What do you mean you're not keen? You know I'm not that keen on milk. Sorry. What? I've told you that. You're comfortable with that.

No, you haven't told me that. What do you mean? Of course I've told you that. It's just the thickness for a drink. Do you know what? I actually like milkshake. Actually, if you push it a bit thicker. Milkshake is thicker than milk. Yeah.

How can you say milk is too thick? What is wrong with you? For me, it's just an uncomfortable... Who doesn't like milk? I spoke to Tessa earlier this week. Tessa, thank you for speaking to me today. Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Now, last time you were on the show, just to get rid of this elephant in the room, we basically witnessed your marriage, well, your engagement. That's right, breaking down. You were going to be married to Bob Triscothic as a result of some information that came out during that interview about Bob's...

He didn't like milk. Yes, didn't like milk. Also had two secret children, one of whom was in prison in Florida that you didn't know about. But he didn't like milk. That was really... Yeah.

And amazing that you hadn't found that out already, you know, before becoming engaged, given that you are a milkmaid. I wonder how that happened. But we witnessed that, and you are now not married to bob so we can assume that that that marriage didn't go ahead no after the episode we had a huge argument as you remember and i walked out and um it was over and i yeah threw his ring

into a cow and you threw his ring into a cow yes i just gave one of my girls the signal and she opened her mouth threw it in and bob knew what that meant in the language of milkmaid that is you don't go back from that so let's talk about the matter at hand you will have no doubt seen the figures that were published this week the 2020 workplace injury stats um you've been pretty vocal this week on on twitter about this about this. And it's interesting to read what you wrote. You seem to suggest that actually this is part of a bigger problem. It's not just to do with what someone may want or not want to do with their penis. We all know what they want to do with their penises, and that's up to them. And in their

own private barns, fair enough. But when you come into a milking bay into a dairy it's not hygiene to shove it in there i don't need to be you know a doctor to tell you that i don't need to be i've gone to university to know you shouldn't put your dick in a nozzle it's not popular opinion but i believe if you want to have a sanitary environment, you should only employ milkmaids. And that's how it's always been. Hundreds and hundreds of years, only milkmaids back to the cave people. And since we've added men from the 1960s, obviously the men fought vociferously to have the right to milk and we let them in. And I just think with the situation

we're in now is terrible you think that was a mistake do you that liberalization of the milking laws and i do i do and i know you know people say to me tessa you can't say that well i have when i think about the 60s obviously it was a time of great liberalization across the board and actually yes many rights were secured for women as well so it was a it was a two-way process wasn't it where women were also getting um various rights yes and i i really you know we needed change i'm not saying we didn't need change because the smocks you know only available in blue and white gingham doesn't suit everybody and it was marvelous when they said you don't have to wear a smock you don't have to wear a hock, you don't have to wear a hessian, and if you want a four-legged stool instead of three or two, traditional one, of course, if you're going very extreme, that's marvellous. And you know, Bessie, you know, she sits in a plastic wheelie office

chair for her milking, and she can adjust it herself and she can wheel about. Marvellous. I think some things needed to change. i just think when the men came into the dairy the boundaries weren't set clearly let's talk about your work situation you're currently at mary's hands which is a very well known mary's hands quite a traditional dairy you know there are no men there as far as i'm aware it's a woman only dairy no and also you don't actually use machines in your dairy it's a it's a hand drawndrawn milking process hand-drawn milking process we all sit on well apart from as i said bessie does use the office chair but most of us use a traditional store we're in the blue smocks hessian aprons and about i'd say about three years

ago we let a radio in that's the kind of working environment why do you think that over the years there's a kind of sexual charge that people associate with the dairy okay so you know i don't want to be too lewd and i don't want to suggest anything that isn't true but there's um you know going back to shakespeare there's always that suggestion that milkmaids give the best hand jobs you know as othello says uh in act two scene one yes yes he's saying that he he was he he the night before was tossed off by ten maids of milk ten maids of milk did come upon my face as if i dare he was in this place hark yet no more see thy white liquid here tis not semi-skim nay yar go tis more Tis more, tis seed of man. Oh, yes. We have Willie Shakes to blame for that, don't we? He started it off, but I think some women

probably were giving handjobs and milking cows to make a little bit extra. And it stuck. This lusty image of a milkmaid, I think, is a little rose-tinted, shall we say. Do you have situations where people come into the dairy asking for that? Well, yes. I think maybe once or twice we've had that sort of thing and we've just spat on the person. Just spat and then shooed them away like a goose and that's how you should treat them like a violent goose just kick them kick them in the dick or smack their beak

disgusting we're taking it back to workplace injuries one final thing to talk about really is what about the argument that as these milking machines are becoming more powerful um for example you know this year saw the introduction of the Mitchell's Milk 7000. And full disclosure, this episode is actually being sponsored by that piece of machinery. Sorry, I did not know that. Oh, okay. I did not know that. But carry on.

Right, well, that machine claims to be able to milk a cow dry in under 10 seconds incredible if you see it happening absolutely incredible you know if it can milk a cow dry in 10 seconds what it will do to a penis it doesn't doesn't bear thinking about oh well in a way i hope they do try i hope curiosity does kill the penis because they weren't for a big shock if it's milking a cow dry in 10 seconds it's killing a man in eight well that's what i mean do these companies and we are sponsored by one of them but i'm you know i'm i am going to maintain my uh my objective overview here are these companies making machines that are too powerful because they know what's going to happen because for some reason those milking nozzles are irresistible to a certain kind of

person well i think you want to take it up with mitchell's take it up with them some of the machines that they bought into the dairy over the past 10 years have corrupted destroyed many innocent lives more after this the beef and dairy network podcast is sponsored by Milk 7000, the new milking system from Mitchell's. If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. The Milk 7000 isn't just the world's fastest milking machine. It can also be reversed to fire a jet of pressurized milk up to two miles with enough force to cut a man in half.

Perfect for protecting your dairy from enemies. For 10% off the installation cost of a Milk 7000 system, simply use the code, I'll milk ye asunder. Well, Tessa, it's been very interesting talking to you. You've got a very forthright opinion there. It's not one that I think... Can I say what I think of it? Oh, please do.

Everyone on Twitter does. I'm used to it. I think that you want to turn back the clock um to an imagined utopia that probably never existed i know what you mean and you know that's what's the problem with bob i'm an idealist i'm a romantic and i looked past so many red flags with him so So many, you know, the wife, the children he never told me about, the lies. The fact he didn't like milk. The fact he didn't like milk.

The fact that he was a bovine arse doctor. So many things I excused. And I do think I am an idealist. But I think if we can't dream, if we can't try and find our own utopias right now, what can we do? Hello and welcome to Beef Call. Hello, can you please send an ambulance as soon as possible? My penis has stuck in a milk machine. I need an ambulance. Hello and welcome to Beefcall. What's your name and where are you calling from?

Hello, I need an ambulance. I need an ambulance. Sorry, I'm afraid this is going to take place in English, if you can speak English. Welcome to Beefcall. Sorry, hello, is this... I'm calling the Swedish emergency services. Is this it? No, this isn't the Swedish emergency services. But the good news is that i'm calling the the swedish emergency services is this it no this isn't the swedish emergency services but the good news is that you're through to the world's premier beef

themed quiz live stream it's beef call beef call beef call oh no um i i just need an ambulance it's very urgent you see my what my penis is trapped in a milking machine and it's sucking it in and it's really painful. Can you send help, please? So, sorry, your penis is trapped in a milking machine? In a milking machine, yes, here at the farm. And I just need an ambulance or, I don't know, a fire engine or someone to come and help me because I can't get out and it's very painful and I'm scared.

Okay, well, we'll be able to send help if you answer today's big question correctly. Oh, OK, but I don't want a question. I just want to get out. Do you want to play the quiz? I really don't. I just want help. I just want help to get out of this machine.

I'm in a lot of pain right now. Well, we can't send any help until you try your hand at the quiz. Well, ask the question then. OK, well, let hand at the quiz. Well, ask the question then. Okay, well, let's do the quiz. So what's your name and where are you calling from? Well, my name is Magnus and I'm calling from, I mean, from a shed here in Sweden. Because I'm a farmer.

But it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I'm in a lot of pain right now and I need help. Okay, so great. Let's play The Big Question. The Big Question. The Big Question. Today's big question is, which is the larger breed of cattle on average? Is it the Normand or the Brown Swiss?

Oh, I don't know what kind of question it is. I just want to, I just want help. I can't even feel my genitals right now. Is it the Normand or the Brown Swiss? Which one's largest? Have a guess. I don't know. Normand.

Let's see if that's correct. Yes, it's correct. The Normand. Congratulations. Great. Thank you. Can you send help now then? Help is on its way, Magnus.

Yes, don't worry about that. Help is on its way. Yes, fine. Thank you. If you send help now then? Help is on its way, Magnus. Yes, don't worry about that. Help is on its way. Yes, fine. Thank you. If you just give us your address, we'll be sending you a lifetime supply of beef. What? What? That's right, a lifetime supply. You heard me correctly. A lifetime supply of top quality beef on its way to you as we speak. I don't want to speak if I just want my penis to be in one piece. Okay well enjoy that beef Magnus. Now back to my interview with Dr Sam Archer.

I asked Dr Sam whether there's a psychological element to the harm caused by self-milking. Okay so there's one man who has actually had quite a successful relationship with his milking okay so there's one man who has actually had quite a um a successful relationship with his milking machine nothing's gone wrong yet and uh touch wood i think nothing will but i i spoke to his wife and his wife said that sort of recently he's been asking her to do things he's been asking her to like hold up coat hangers or a tin tray in front of her face to make herself look more robotic or mechanical. I see. Yes. So I think that what's happening there is that someone has sort of fallen in love

with the milking machine and is now trying to replicate that in their home life. Yes. And no matter what that wife does, you know, no matter how hard she tries, she's never going to have that hydraulic piston action milking arm. Tragic. And she asked me she said like what you know could i could i look into getting a hydraulic milking piston arm and i said to be honest it's in the long run i think i think you wouldn't enjoy it it's got one it's got one purpose you're sort of limiting yourself what you can do with your arms so i said keep the arms you've got maybe going to marriage guidance or something like that. So we've obviously got this big problem. It's there in the stats.

Yes. And the government have said that there's going to be some kind of public information campaign to try and get the message across that this is a bad thing to do. But we're not sure exactly what form that's going to take. What would you say to someone who maybe hasn't ever tried this before and has just got a job at a dairy, let's say, and can't help but notice that the milking nozzles are, you know, the exact size and shape of his barley twist? I would really encourage people to exercise some impulse control. Remember that there are people out there who want to drink milk. And for all the time that you have your little gecko stuck in the machine,

a cow isn't getting milked and that milk isn't getting into people's cereal, into their tea, into their cheese. And not just that, I believe I'm right in saying that since 2008, I because of new regulations if someone has been found to have put their little pint-sized toby jug into the milking machine then all of the milk that had been extracted by that machine for the entire 24-hour period beforehand is deemed spoiled and is poured away exactly and that's liters and liters and liters of milk which is just thrown away yeah and you know if it was up to me i would still drink it i would drink it i would sell it because you know tainted is a strong word sorry as a doctor i have to say

that any milk that has been in contact with anyone's flesh calippo needs to be disposed of. It's just not sanitary enough. I'm not saying that I want to drink that stuff more than 100% clean milk. Okay. It just sounded like that's what you were saying. No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that, you know, you could slide in your little secret lighthouse for 10 seconds and that somehow spoils a whole 24 hours

worth of milk yeah that that's an overreaction isn't it uh i'm sorry once again as a doctor i have to put my foot down that i have to say that any milk running through a machine which has at some point that day without being sterilized being in contact with someone's piccolo you need to you need to dispose of it it's just not healthy well i'll take your word for it because you're a doctor okay um but i remain skeptical let's put it that way okay well i mean you're more than welcome to try it there's obviously ways in your own home that you can see what that would that would taste like um no no no i'm not i'm not talking about taste i don't i don't actively want it to taste bad or taste tainted or anything like that i'm just saying that like if you think back to the olden days you know they would milk a cow into a muddy bucket and then distribute that warm milk to the

waiting children and that was fine uh okay but i would i would say that those muddy buckets while they probably contain mud and a few other things had at no point had in them anyone's weasel so is it then your opinion as a doctor in your experience that when we're talking about someone's corned beef maypole that's basically the least sanitary thing possible yeah i think it's pretty much the most unsanitary thing you can do i'd say that you know short of squatting down over that bucket and you know producing your own backyard fudge sausage you're not going to find anything worse now obviously we've got we've got the hard data so we know you know roughly how many people are doing this i don't think that every instance of this happening will be officially recorded i think many people you know will feel

embarrassed they won't come forward necessarily to seek medical help um they might seek the advice of a backstreet vet maybe yes um also looking at the numbers here um in order to get them out and get them published they haven't actually yet included the numbers from december 2020 they've included an estimation uh for december but you know december that being the festive period it feels to me as if you know that's a potential time when this kind of thing might be happening a bit more than in the other months you know a bit of a danger zone so may it be that actually the numbers are skewing lower than the than the reality i i would obviously the festive period is one that's full of milk people have their yule milk they'll

have their midnight mass milk and then not to mention of course beefhead day where obviously uh some some aromatic milk is thrown into the face of a malefactor of some kind there's a lot of milk being used there yeah so what you're getting at is you know there's a lot of milk being used there. Yeah. So what you're getting at is, you know, there's a lot of demand for milk during December. And so a lot of people are going to have to spend a lot more time in the dairy, you know, where their eyes may wander. Exactly. A lot of milk production, a lot of pressure on those people, a lot of pressure for those people to deliver, a lot of people looking to relieve pressure. That's how they choose to do it. And suddenly, suddenly it all starts again. And I'd say, just make sure you have someone to speak to. Go on my website as well. And there's a little drop down menu and you can sort of talk about, I'm feeling stressed. What do I want to do? I want to put it in the

milking machine. And then the website shows you an appropriate gif that will calm you down so the gif is tailored to your specific kind of stress yes exactly uh you know you know how gifts work one gift fits all doesn't quite work so you might need a bird other people might need something more basic like a ball bouncing down some stairs but we've got gifts for all needs do you think that's enough then a gif you know you're saying that you know maybe the cause of this really is stress and there are people you know they're feeling that they're so stressed that their only way out is to ram their pink pringles tube into the gaping maw of the machine you know do you think a gif is is going to unseat those feelings we just have to do what

we can like i i think we we are seeing some results we have seen a gradual and slight decline well that's something isn't it and um i for one i'm glad that it's something that you're taking seriously as a doctor indeed yes i'm glad you're seeing numbers falling i'm i'm hopeful um you know i'm hopeful that throughout this year, numbers will continue to fall and that by next year, a whole new injury is plaguing our workers. Will take its place. Now, I have faith. I think we're coming out the other side of it now, much like the man who was dragged through the milking machine. Yeah, he's our inspiration. Let's get out the other side of this. Thanks to Dr. Sam Archer for that interview.

What's become clear to me is that this is a huge issue and it simply isn't going away. Indeed, we've had a number of letters this week on this issue, but there was one that hit me like a narwhal tusk through the heart. Anonymous writes, I work at a dairy in East Anglia, and after work I got into the habit of volunteering to lock up and staying behind and rogering the milking machine. As time went on, I began to turn up the machine stronger and stronger, until one day my cock and balls were clean torn off. The news got out, and people now think I'm a pervert, but that's not fair.

The impulse that led me to give my body to the machine was nothing more than curiosity. We used to live in a world where curiosity was valued. Do you know who else was curious? Sir Isaac Newton. Isaac Newton discovers gravity and he's put on a banknote. I cram my dick into a milking machine, night after night. And yet I'm branded a pervert.

Where's the justice in that? one. That's right, the new number for Beef Call is one. We've already become the world's most butt-dialed number, so be careful. And remember, depending on where you live, it can cost up to £500 a minute. So... Oh, sorry. £500 a minute. So... Oh, sorry. Melanie, I can catch PR. Melanie. I think he's here.

What do you mean? I think he's here. Who's there? I heard a noise. Can you hear that? It's the low bell of dancing. Bell? Please tell me you've got the great...

I'm hiding in the cellar in a cardboard box. Melanie, is Ted dancing in your house? I can hear some claws on wood. I think he's broken in. I don't think he can get me where I am, but any minute now he could find me. I think I've taken refuge in a cardboard box in the cellar. You're in a cardboard box?

Recyclable material. That's the only thing he fears. He doesn't like recycling. He says it's the only form of reincarnation that he has not complete power over oh my god do you have the money please look i've got so much pr left to do okay okay mommy uh is there any chance that he would accept a lifetime supply of beef i can't say yes or no but i do know one thing is that dance and respect beef over coin okay uh in which case i think i i've got an idea please quickly please

okay time for our next caller welcome to to Beef Call. Er, hi? Hello, welcome to Beef Call. What's your name and where are you calling from? I'm calling from the Beef and Dairy Network. What's your name, caller? Er... What's your name? What's my name?

I... I don't... What's your name? Um... Eeeeee... Stop. That's the sound your penis hears when you push it into a milking machine. Introducing your genitals to milking machinery can lead to shame, injuries, death and hundreds of liters of spoiled milk. Respect milk. Respect yourself.

Respect your todger. Remember, you only get one penis. Remember, just one. One. One. One. One. So, that's all we've got time for this month. If you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now,

where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we find out everything you need to know about selling narwhal ivory on the black market. So until next time, beef out. thanks to natasha hodgson cariad lloyd tom neenan mike wozniak lena's carp and tim bick and a couple of things before i go natasha who plays mail in the handcatch has her own podcast out it's relatively new it came out at the end of last year been made with the bbc it's called the sink and it is really fantastic. If you've got any interest in kind of slightly horror tinged or kind of anxiety tinged kind of weird drama comedy, you absolutely have to listen to it. It's my favourite podcast of last year, hands down. So that's The Sink. Also, i've made a show on radio 4 written

along with mike wozniak who's on the show a lot and henry packer who's also been on beef and dairy a lot we write together a lot i've said the words a lot a lot but we've got a pilot on radio 4 called under the lid it also stars carrie adloid who's in this episode and other fantastic people it's just a one-off at the moment as it's a pilot but you can find it uh if you search for under the lid bbc on google and i'm interested i don't know if you can listen to it you can certainly listen to it if you're in britain i don't know whether there's some kind of um geographical fuckery that goes on which means that you can't listen in america i'm not sure but um you know i'm sure you can find a way on the dark web so that's under the lid oh you can also definitely find it on the bbc sounds app if you've got that um i hope the beginning of 2021 is uh

is treating you kindly and until next time goodbye i'm going first it's me jackie kation man she's always this bossy i'm laurie kilmartin uh we're a bunch of stand-up comics and we've been doing comedy like 60 years total with both of us but we look amazing we drop every monday on max fun and it's called the jackie laurie show and you could listen to it and learn about comedy and learn about anger management and all the things. And Jackie is married but childless, and I'm unmarried but childful. So together we make one complete woman. Is that just what's going to happen? Yeah.

And we try to make Kyle laugh just like that and say, oh, my God, every episode. It's a good job. The Jackie and Laurie Show, Mondays, only on Maximum Fun. Strange planets, curious technology, and a fantastic vision of the distant future. Featuring Martin Starr. So we're going on day 14 Shuttle still hasn't come Aparna Nancherla The security system provides you with emotional security

You do the rest Echo Kellum Can you disconnect me or not? Hurry Kondabolu I'm staying From Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Jeffrey McGivern Could you play Cindy Lauper's Girls Just Want to Have Fun?

It's The Outer Reach Stories from beyond. Now available for free at MaximumFun.org or anywhere you listen. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.