Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 68 - Eli Returns

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

Mike Bubbins, Priya Hall, Chris Corcoran and Tom Crowley join in for this episode in which we hear from former slaughterman turned cult leader Eli Roberts about his return to his home town. By Benjamin Partridge, Mike Bubbins, Priya Hall and Chris Corcoran. Thanks to Tom Crowley. Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com “K2”“Submerging Blue-BlackBy Podington Bearsoundofpicture.com

Wondering where to take the kids this year for the holidays? Bored of the usual options? Then why not try Candleland? The world's only candle themed theme park! As a parent, if you know anything, you know that kids love candles! Hurrah! Experience Wickworld, Wax Mountain, the Candlestick Kingdom, the Molten Tallow River, don't fall in, the Birthday Cake Zone,

Chandler's Cove, the little room where we deal with burns, and of course, meet our happy mascot, Mr. Candle. Hello there, I'm Mr. Candle. Light my wick and watch me burn. So come and burn the candle at both ends at Candleland, where there's more candle than you can handle. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by Candleland, the world's only candle-themed theme park, which is in the Welsh town of Llancaig,

and it is that town that we turn our focus to for this episode. Llancaig is of course the hometown of Eli Roberts, the former slaughterman turned cult leader who has been a guest on this podcast on a number of occasions. In Clankig, Eli had run his slaughterhouse, an organic zoo and a mosquito-based theme park called Mosquito Mayhem, which was forcibly closed by the authorities. His iron grip on the town abated in 2018 when he was arrested for murder, a charge for which he was ultimately acquitted, although he was jailed for punching a barrister during the trial. Soon after his incarceration began, he escaped prison during a violent prison

riot, and although he's officially assumed to be dead by the UK government, since then he has travelled the world spreading the message of his cult, the Church of Eli, including an extended stay in the demilitarised zone between North and South Korea. But now, he's back in Clangkeeg, and he agreed to give us an interview. Eli, thank you so much for agreeing to talk to me. I guess my first question is, you've had a lot happen to you in recent times. You've been around the world. You know, last time we spoke, you told me about how you'd slept

inside the reactor core at Chernobyl. You know, you've seen things, you've done things. Yeah, right. What was it that made you think it's finally time to go home? Well, when you've spent a lot of time in a reactor core or a demilitarized zone or a minefield or, you know, you miss certain comforts. You miss the comforts of all.

You miss the warmth of a friendly embrace. You miss a home-cooked meal. I mean, I've got none of those things in Clanguig, but I mean, I imagine they're the sort of places where those things could happen one day. Because it's probably pretty warm inside the reactor core, I'd imagine. Different sort of heat, though, isn't it? I mean, it's a different sort of places where those things could happen one day so because it's probably pretty warm inside the reactor core i'd imagine different sort of heat doing it i mean it's it's a different sort of heat is it it's a it's a matter of degree again so i mean uh i i love what he calls shirt sleeves weather but uh when you're in that sort of uh core there surrounded by uh plutonium which is I suppose deteriorating and giving off gamma rays

beta rays all the rays you know that's a different heat I mean that is it's a real I mean it's a sweaty

I mean it is very intense heat I've been in the Sahara I was over there once I joined the French Foreign Legion briefly I was kicked out in the end joined the French Foreign Legion briefly. I was kicked out in the end for eating a camel.

But that's the difference. I mean, that was hot, you know, but when you're inside reactor core C, it is very, very warm. Proper skin coming off and flesh falling off your bones, heat. It's clear that on your return to Clanky, you haven't been happy with what you found. But before we get onto that, can you just describe to the listeners what Clankig was like before you left? So roll back five years, what was it like then? Clankig, you knew where you were. You knew what was what. There was a natural order of things.

There was a natural hierarchy, which I happen to be on top of. There was a food chain, if you will. There was an alpha male. There was an apex predator. And people slag out sharks, but fish know where they stand, with a shark, right? We are fish that learn to stand because of a shark you could say that you could say that because because the shark was the king of a castle if the castle was the sea

right and the king was the apex predator then those fish because they knew where they stood learned to stand out of the sea. Right. So the shark would not have a dominion over them, you know. So could you not say though that the people of Llanquig in a way have now evolved in response to... Well, if you let me finish my analogy,

I was going to say, when all the fish have buggered off because they've got legs, the shark's got two options. He can be the king of nothing or he off because they've got legs, the shark's got two options. He can be the king of nothing or he can grow a pair of legs. He can ditch his gills for lungs and get on with it.

And that's what I've done. I'm a shark that's walking amongst my fish again. Okay, and how are the fish reacting to the shark? You know, because those fish, when they grew legs, they probably thought,

oh, there's a relief. I'm on the land. There's no more sharks here. Much happier. How would they feel then if one day they turned around and the shark was coming out, walking up the sand? Do you think a cart feels relieved when a horse leaves? Well, I don't know.

No, because suddenly a cart is redundant a cart is literally inanimate it is inert so i think those people you talk about a relief i don't know i don't think it was a relief i think it was a long i think what i left there was a longing for me to return because they felt rudderless so why do you think, if they were longing for your return, and maybe they were, why do you think they took down the huge bronze statue of you that you directed in the town square? Why do you think they destroyed your premises? Well, let me answer the question with a question.

Let's imagine you had a love of your life. Right? Man, woman, whatever, I don't care, right? Let's say it was a woman and her name was Gail. Sure. You love Gail and Gail loved you. Warts and all.

One day, you love Gail so much, you build a statue to her. And then, life being what it is, one day, Gail fucks off with the postman. What do you do with the statue? You can't bear to see it. It brings back memories of happier times. So, old Eli leaves. He gets a higher calling.

People of Flankeeg, they've got two options. They can see that statue and have those memories and have that deep longing in their hearts daily, or they can try to mitigate that by moving the statue, removing it to try and,

to try and get on with their lives. And I think, you know, as soon as I came back, they couldn't wait. They could not wait when I came back to, well, I wouldn't let them wait to put the statue back up. So it is back, it's there now, is it?

It's bigger. I mean, it's bigger than anything now. It's more like a sort of, like a colossus of roads, really. Bestride in the town square and the market there, the double-decker bus drives, literally, there's probably a good six feet between the top of the bus

and my testicles. You know, it was a magnificent structure. When you say testicles, do you mean that in the, the statue's naked then?

Naked as the day I was born, yeah. You know, you see statues of Elizabethan gentlemen on paintings where they wear in ruffs. It looks old. You see old Eli there in Clankig

with like a 14-foot long erection and testicles. Two things, proud, timeless. And that erection, I believe, now works as a sundial. Well, yeah, not by not not by uh by accident either i mean that was by design you always know what time it is we call it cock o'clock in uh in lanky i mean it's made by some of the finest craftsmen that i could make work for you know every hour on the hour for instance the testicles clanged together it could be heard for miles around as well and what's to be embarrassed about?

When I first built it, people said, oh, why have you got a 14-foot erection made of solid bronze? I said, well, my answer to the question would be, why not? It's the beauty of life, isn't it? So what better way to say, here I am, I'm proud, this is where I'm from.

People say they're proud of where they're from. When you see a 60 foot high statue with a 14 foot boner well could you be more proud of that did you get planning permission for the colossus don't need to plan permission because i've heard from various residents of clanky that's the colossus blocks out all natural light which ones ones are they? Into their homes. Which ones? Is it right that their everyday life is blighted by a giant bronze bellend? Which ones? Is that fair?

I can't tell you who... Well, I can work it out. I'll just wait and see where the shadow falls. And then they'll know who they are. And then maybe they can talk to me and they can air their grievances from me firsthand. Okay, let's put that to one side. One of the premises that you left behind when you left clanky was your ill-fated

mosquito themed theme park mosquito mayhem which was closed down by the authorities yeah you say ill-fated i mean it was a victim of sabotage well well the forces of the uk state brought to bear the laws of the land well on what you were doing the laws of the laws of whose land well i mean we've been through this before many times when we talked yeah about the legal system and yeah which i you know you're only you're only bound by a legal system if you, I believe, if you agree with it. I don't agree with it. Anyway, you know, legal systems aside, what happened happened with regards to Mosquito Mayhem. Absolute tragedy.

In what way was it a tragedy? Well, I just think of all those smiling faces and some bloody bureaucrat, some pen pusher, some stuffed shirt arsehole. That's taking it upon themselves to take people's fun away from him like that without so much as a buy or leave. I mean, I never went to Mosquito Man myself. I never heard of people being happy when they left. I don't think that was really the point, was it? Even the way you described it to me,

it was more about learning a lesson than it was about... Well, it was a relief. Wasn't it? Right. Relief is happiness if if if i was torturing you and who's to say i won't do that if i stopped then there would be happiness there'd be there'd be a there'd be a tremendous sense of relief the absence of harm is in itself a joyous thing. If you'd never been punched in the face, you would never know how nice it is to not be punched in the face. Okay, well, accepting that for the sake of argument,

what's been built on the site of Mosquito Mayhem is a much more conventional attraction. Travesty. And I have seen photographs there, and the children going to that place do have smiles on their faces, and they're managing to generate happiness without the need for there to be any kind of threat of violence hanging over anyone. And in that way, isn't it a more pure source of joy? I suppose you're talking about the abomination that is Candleland.

Candleland is the world's only candle-themed theme park. Geoff Pugh fled Clankig over 20 years ago, after many years spent being forced to work in the Roberts Slaughterhouse. But in 2018, he felt it was safe for him to return. Eli had gone, and that changed everything. He felt that this was a new start for the town of Llancaig, and wanted to do something that would use the town's history as a candle-making hub to bring in wealth in the present and the future. And that was the thing that led to the idea of Candleland.

It also seemed like a good idea, because the town provided the perfect site for the park. There was the old site for Mosquito Mayhem that Eli had built. So it was basically there for the taking. Despite having no previous experience, Jeff actually designed the park himself. Candlestick Kingdom, Wickworld and Wax Mountain was our most popular ride which was actually an old space mountain from Disney World that we had just painted to make it look like a candle from the outside and the log flume that we had was you were sat in a candle so it was so everything was themed around candles gift shop was sticks of rock

shaped like a candle uh etc etc rubbers like candles um it cost upwards of 400 million pounds to build we got the money from government loans um some quite sizable tax breaks as well and a big chunk from the actor Ted Danson. Hello, my name is Emma Harrison and I'm an actor. In 2019, Emma Harrison had just graduated from acting school in Cardiff. Her dream was to get a job inside a theme park mascot. Not a lot of people know this but a lot of work goes into bringing mascots to life. There's so much physicality involved.

No one can see a facial expression, so you've really got to act with your arms. Also, for the entire time you're naked in the mascot costume, because it's so warm and you're trying not to vomit. So it takes a lot of work, it takes a lot of grit, and not everyone can do it, you know? During her time at acting school, she had elected to take classes from a mascot acting tutor. We had this wonderful lady, very sad, so sad inside, but a great, great mascot come in. Her name was Carol, and she was dressed as a pink alien. She really brought that alien to life, you know? The costume had horns and a beak,

like I'm not really sure what vibe she was going for, but she had a very bewitching, sad aura that really, you know, she was endearing. I liked her a lot. Just weeks after leaving acting school, Emma landed her first role to be the person inside the mascot of Candleland, Mr. Candle. Just a few days later, she moved to Llancaig. When I got to Llancaig, I immediately knew it was a very strange place. I tried to look up places to rent online, but couldn't even find a mention of Llancaig at all on Google. Eventually, I just ended up going door to door, just begging people to let me stay with them, but they just weren't having it at all.

I kept slamming doors shut on my face until I knocked on one door, just a pretty isolated house. It was quite creepy. This old man opened the door and he told me that he had one room that I could rent for suspiciously cheap, if I'm honest. But there was no other option, so I just took it. He was a teeny tiny old man couldn't have been above four foot ten wore shorts all year round regardless of the weather and I don't know if you've seen an 81 year old's legs you don't want to look at them. He wore hats all of the time and a lot of female body inspector t-shirts you know like it's not appropriate for an 81-year-old man.

But on the other hand, he's old. I don't want to tell him how to live his life. Mr Jenkins told Emma that there was one rule that must be followed in the house. He explained that there was one room in the house that I wasn't allowed to go in. He showed me to the door. It was painted lime green, which was strange. No locks. He said he trusted me, which is strange because we'd only known each other about half an hour at that point um and he told me i was under no circumstances allowed to go in that room the only thing i did know is that whatever was in that room i didn't want to see it now i've seen plenty of photographs and um video footage of candleland

and there are loads of kids there they're laughing they're having a good time I mean it looks great right I came up I've come up with a with a little phrase for that I've invented myself okay fake news well I'm not sure you've invented that phrase fake news you've seen smiling kids who's to say those kids weren't in Mosquito Mayhem and they've, with their modern jiggery-pokery, put them into a picture of Candleland? Or more likely, those kids are smiling because they're not going to Candleland.

Their parents decided this year they're not going to go to Candleland and they're happy. Or even worse, they're happy they're prospering to go to Candle candleland you don't see the pictures of them afterwards when they're filled with with a crushing sense of unfulfilled promise plus it's easy i mean they were trying to build something on the shoulders of giants we used to say that little kid or that little that boy or girl wasn't happy because you know their siblings and them had been

to you know mosquito mayhem two or three years ago and and they were the only survivor and then and being there as as given this this joie de vivre you know this lust for life so you think even though they're the reason they're enjoying candleland is because it's not yes they're no longer at mosquitoquito Mayhem. Exactly. Without Mosquito Mayhem, there could be no, no Mosquito Mayhem. I understand what you mean. But as far as I can tell, it's become a very popular attraction.

There are people coming from all over Europe to go to Candleland. You know, people flying in from across the world. Weak people will always need distractions, right? If they're morally weak, spiritually weak, emotionally weak, they need the ephemera. They got such a paucity of wit and intelligence that they revel in the flimsiest of, in inverted commas, entertainment, right? I mean, as a human race, we got where we are today

by this paper-thin enjoyment. This got no depth. It's got no heart. It's got no basis in anything rich and deep and meaningful, right? It's just enjoyment for enjoyment's sake. You know, you've got a roller coaster, and you're happy and smiling because it's fun. But you go on one of my roller coasters,

there's a very good chance you will not survive. A very good chance. And you come off there and boy, oh boy, I mean, you have lived. You've stood on the edge of the precipice and been able to step back. And wow. But Eli, people vote with their feet.

Not if you take the feet off them. No, but let's look at the numbers of people who went to Mosquito Mayhem and the numbers of people who've been to Candleland. Now, I don't have the specific numbers for Mosquito Mayhem because you've never divulged that. I know you won't either. Sure. But looking on TripAdvisor, we can look at the reviews,

and there's 25 reviews on TripAdvisor for Mosquito Mayhem. All of them are one star. I'll just take one at random here. It says, my son was excited to go to Mosquito Mayhem, but within minutes, his face had swollen up. And despite being six years old, he looked like a bloated corpse found in the sea. And he still looks that way that's a one star um another one here um it says it was revealed in the post-mortem that my

wife was bitten over a million times in under two minutes and i'm gonna i'm gonna assume that his wife died at mosquitomahem i don't think you get a post-mortem unless you've died, or certainly if you know, you have to be seriously ill for them to be doing a post-mortem on you. How very, very sad. How very, very sad. Because, you know, who's to say what will happen in the future now? You know, that fellow whose wife died

I can see it like it was yesterday I saw it happen, I was there when it happened who's to say that a couple of years later she wasn't driving to school you know, taking the kids to school had too much to drink the night before lost control of the car at the zebra crossing and wiped out nine kids

at the zebra crossing outside of school if you believe in lost control of the car at a zebra crossing and wiped out nine kids at a zebra crossing outside of school. If you believe in the greater good, which I always have done, your theory is on its head then, it's on its arse, isn't it? What you've basically done is condone someone drinking and driving and piling into a, you know, a zebra crossing full of kids.

I didn't mention a zebra crossing or any children. Yeah, but you can't say that. You can't say that couldn't have happened. Well, it might have happened, but there's no...

Well, there we go then, out of your own mouth. It might have happened. But that's the dice you're prepared to roll here. But there's lots of might have happens. There's lots of might have happens.

Yes, there are. And to just brush over the fact there's lots of things that might happen is are and to just brush over the fact there's lots of things that might happen is to do to deserve it but whenever we have these kind of conversations the might have happens that you come up with are always negative like plowing into some children on the zebra crossing it's called life yeah but there are also positive outcomes that you know that could have happened in her life that could have helped others and could have helped the world and made things more positive. You know, on the other side of that particular coin,

you're polishing your pocket, right? These smiling idiots with their TripAdvisor reviews. Who's to say they're not so buoyed by self-confidence? God knows what they could do in that heightened state. They could go out there, they could be so pleased, they've had a fabulous time at Candleland, you know, that they decide next year to bring the whole family from Cape Town

to Candleland for a holiday. And the plane crashes, the family is wiped out, the plane has landed on a village. And the whole village is aflame, covered in kerosene. People are burned to death. The property's a ruin. All because of what? Because someone has had a day out.

And that is, if you think that's a price worth paying, well, that says more about you, sunshine, than it does about all you like. After about a year of construction, Candleland was finally ready to open. The opening day was phenomenal. It was hugely attended.

Every single resident of Llancaig attended. And brilliantly, despite the fact there was, you know, Wick World and Candlestick Kingdom, the one thing that was the most popular became, that we hadn't seen coming, was Mr. Candle, who was the mascot. What Mr. Candle was, was essentially one big candle, which is fine. On one hand, though, I would say if you're going to make a mascot costume of a candle,

don't make it out of actual wax because it's not a breathable material and it was a waking nightmare to wear and also you know give it some arms and make it wider than a human body so you can actually walk in it i just don't think that they really thought it through and gave thought to the fact that there would be a living person within that candle overheating sweating naked trying their best not to vomit but actually vomiting all over themselves i just it was a great character i think in that it was engaging for the kids sure i mean the first thing they would do when the park gates opened was find me uh which i mean that felt really good and but pretty soon it did become evident that they were just trying to find me so that they could tackle me to the ground

knowing full well i couldn't get back up. It was so popular in fact that queues of children waiting to try and rugby tackle Mr Candle became the second most popular ride of the day. They would roll me around the park screaming and kicking me. That wasn't great for the vomit. Essentially turned the costume into a hot vomit smoothie which wasn't ideal. They loved me but I'm not sure that I loved them. Let's talk about what you did to Candleland. What I had to do. You arrived there. Was that the first time you'd arrived there?

Were you aware of it before you got there? When I came back, I mean, it was like, it was almost like the prodigal son returning i mean i i would have come in on on the back of an ass but i mean there were no asses left i i butchered them several years hence uh i i it did think i thought what would look good i mean i've always been a showman i thought a camel would would be a would be a hell of an entrance you know coming on uh drama drill back or back in there either either one would be fine for me but um unfortunately they both taste fabulous i mean if you've never tasted camel

you you haven't lived you know and raw camel is like sushi so hang on you you you didn't trust yourself with the camel is that what you mean i don't trust myself with most animals to be fair put it this way the next time i eat an animal that i don't enjoy it'll be the first time but that's by the by i mean when i turned up a lanky long story short there was nothing to ride on uh so i walked into town there was a you know a wailing and gnashing of teeth but in a good way from the locals

and I could see I could see Candleland where Mosquito Mayhem had been but I poured my heart and soul into Mosquito Mayhem

as you know you know and I was angry I was homicidally angry I was I was beside myself with oh it needs would be described as a vicious, righteous fury. When Eli arrived back in Clankig, it just so happened to coincide with the one-year anniversary of Candleland. Geoff had wanted to make it a special event, and so they went all out. We throw money at an enormous international star in Kelly Clarkson.

The plan was that Kelly Clarkson would perform at a huge gala event at the park, which would culminate in Kelly and Mr Candle singing the Welsh national anthem from the stage. Geoff told Emma what was going to happen, and she was incredibly excited, and that evening she told her landlord Mr Jenkins. The response is not what I was expecting and I don't think the response is what anyone would expect. Mr Jenkins immediately started sobbing, like on the floor, whole body sobbing. At one point he just grabbed onto my legs and looked up at me and it was the most pathetic thing I'd ever seen. And that was the moment that he showed me what was behind

the lime green door. I'm not exaggerating when I say that every inch of that room was covered in Kelly Clarkson photos. Covered. And when I say Kelly Clarkson photos, I don't mean like press shots. I don't mean photos from magazines. These were photos that had been taken of Kelly Clarkson photos, I don't mean like press shots. I don't mean photos from magazines. These were photos that had been taken of Kelly Clarkson going about her daily life. It was intense. It was creepy. There was a mannequin dressed up as Kelly Clarkson. But like 2008 Kelly Clarkson, not current Kelly Clarkson, where she's got a stylist involved.

It was a lot. Mr. Jenkins shows me a tiny wooden diorama he's made of a church with two tiny little Lego figurines dressed up as Kelly Clarkson and him getting married. He's obviously wearing his shorts and his female body inspector t-shirt in the Lego figurine. I didn't know they made those for them. So he turns to me uh holding this diorama and he stopped sobbing at this point but he is silently crying which is creepier i think um his eyes are all red and puffy and his his shorts are all in disarray his hat is all ski with it was it was just off and he says i will do anything to be on that stage with Kelly Clarkson. He says, I will give you £20,000 to let me be in that Mr. Kendall suit on stage with her.

So I said, yeah, that's fine. £20,000. It was an absolutely beautiful evening. I mean, you couldn't have picked a better night. And Kelly Clarkson is on stage. She's banging out the Welsh National Anthem. She's learnt it. She learnt it phonetically, in fairness,

and didn't have a clue what she was singing. But, you know, that's OK. Mr Candle is doing his bit and they are absolutely smashing it on stage. And then just at the moment that Kelly Clarkson and Mr Candle are hitting the climax of the Welsh National Anthem. Gullard, Gullard, everybody's singing along with them. There's an explosion.

An enormous cloud of mosquitoes instantly fills the arena, and I knew that that was Eli. That first explosion, you know, I'll let you describe what happened, but it involved, if I'm getting this right, several hundred thousand mosquitoes, which you had stored under the ground.

With the kind of knowledge this might happen in the future, it seems like an amazing amount of foresight to store. The thing, right, forewarned is forearmed. I've always believed that. So when I built Mosquito Mayhem back in the day, I planned for an eventuality where, you know, knowing that life is a tapestry with a weave and a weft

that we can scarcely comprehend sometimes. Under the ground of Mosquito Mayhem, in the middle of the show ground there, I buried 24 shipping containers. And they were chock-a-block full of

the worst sort of mosquitoes. I mean, the real bad boys, you know what I mean? The cream of the crop, so to speak. And they'd been in

there for, well, for years. And they can survive just underground in a shipping container? Yeah, yeah. You just got to, you've got to put some water in there occasionally and some carcasses, but they will, they will, they'll not just survive, they'll thrive. So a bit of topsoil on the front.

And then what I did is I rigged the roofs of the shipping containers, very much like the North Vietnamese had done in the war uh against the Yankee oppressors where I uh the explosive charges that they would use to blow up bridges and railway lines etc when Kelly was hitting the big notes the glad glad which is the bit which everyone joins in you know on that on the second glad is when I pressed I pressed the button and I unleashed i unleashed the reckoning so uh several hundred tons of topsoil and some reinforced steel shipping containers were blasted into the air and then uh well it's it's difficult to number it because the nature of mosquitoes but i mean it would have been in the billions i'd imagine billions of mosquitoes released and i imagine they're pretty angry after all that time

underground as well yeah i mean uh they were like byron they were they were mad bad and dangerous to know but if these mosquitoes had a grudge wouldn't wouldn't it not be against their their jailer i.e yourself well the joy the joy of of well one of the one of the joys of a mosquito of course is they are thick as fuck I mean they wouldn't recognise me from Adam

and also they you know they bit Kelly Clarkson you know it seemed as if they thought that she was responsible for their incarceration

you know if you look at the video some of the camera phone footage she seems to get the brunt of the mosquito attack well she'd been singing you know loudly and the thing with it they'd attract it to heat of camera phone footage, she seems to get the brunt of the mosquito attack. Well, she'd been singing,

you know, loudly. And the thing with it, they're attracted to the heat of the blood of the mosquito. So Kelly, I mean, it's quite a nippy day, but she'd be sitting there with an entourage, fur coat on, you know,

so she was warm anyway, took the fur coat off to, you know, she had like a Stars and Stripes bikini on underneath. But with all that naked flesh, and because she was singing loudly, there would would have been the blood was near the skin she was she had that body warmth

then it was like uh well i'm gonna say like a red ragdoll ball but like a like a it was like a pink kelly to a mosquito you know i mean luckily she's a she's okay now um not everyone she's a survivor uh not everyone was so lucky that a lot of people now have malaria i think in in the area which you know you wouldn't normally see that level of malaria outside of sub-saharan africa no um are they getting the help they need are they no no i didn't give them i've made sure that that no medical aid is is forthcoming because i mean they'll either survive or they will not survive and that is as simple as that you know and if they hadn't have uh got rid of mosquito mayhem and built candleland and knocked my statue down and

brought kenny clarkson over then who's to say things wouldn't have panned out differently but the fact that they did those things and they had to reap, you know, you very much reap what you sow, don't you? So just to paint the picture of what was happening, I think many people, as I say, will have seen the camera phone footage, which is very, pretty intense. The noise is incredible of that many mosquitoes. It just sounds like helicopters.

It's like an Apache attack helicopter. I mean you did have an apache attack helicopter as well but um well just to mop up the uh the stragglers yeah did you really need the helicopter was that was that not overkill thing is i mean and i wasn't going for people i just sort of made a i made a ring to keep people in there was no physical barriers there they took down all the old barbed wire and stuff. What it was able to do with the Apache was not only to have a ring of fire to keep people within a certain area, but also the downdraft from the rotors was phenomenal. And it kept all the mosquitoes within a sort of a six-foot ceiling, which is obviously optimum attack height.

So you'd really thought it through. I think the really shocking part of the video is when you start turning your fire specifically it looks like on the mascot mr candle who seems for some reason to have really um been the been the subject of most of your ire? What was it about the mascot that... Did he deserve what you did to him? Right, let's go back to one of my original stories. You're a shark. You go away and you try to do shark things. You come back and there's another shark there, right?

But this shark not only is asking for adoration from the people that once adored you, but he's also dressed up like a bloody candle, right? Just to rub your nose in it. Mr. Candle was the embodiment of disrespect so mr candle comes in here like he's the big i am because he got a wick on his head and he's and you know he thinks he's all that right i'm here to say there's only one light in this village sunshine and what do you do with a candle before you go to bed? You snuff it out. It's very rare that someone snuffs out a candle with a missile, though.

Well, only because, you know, the nature of time being what it is, when candles were enjoying their brief moment of popularity, it was the pre-missile age. So Mr. Candle, he's coming into the 21st century as a candle. Well, he's going to get some 21st century snuffing going on. I never thought that in my entire life I would see a military- grade helicopter firing a missile at a man dressed as a candle but now I've seen it and I can never unsee it. Watching him writhing about on the floor with the costume melting around him was it was a difficult watch because

I mean he wasn't a bad man i i don't think it was a great look for him that the only thing that survived the fire was the female body inspector t-shirt that's not ideal not a great legacy to leave behind but at least he died doing what he loved screaming at kelly clarkson i mean i used a a-air missile, but just put it in upside down. So it went air-to-surface. Once he got hit by that missile, he had a much greater surface than he did before. Boy, that's the nature of maths, isn't it?

I mean, his surface area increased greatly. But I mean, of course, the funny thing is, because he was hoisted by his own petard so to speak because he was he burnt to death because he was covered in wax oh I melted I melted like

I mean like it's like my old dad used to say if you don't want to melt to death don't dress as a candle that's a tale of all his time isn't time do you have a do you have a message for the family of mr candle i mean i'm not sure if you know who was actually inside the mr candle suit um yeah yeah but it was a it was an old old man he's um yeah thomas jenkins yeah Thomas Jenkins 81 years old just enjoying himself

I don't see that he's personally done, you know I can see that Mr. Candle for you is a kind of a totem a sort of symbol of what's gone wrong in your eyes but he was just an innocent man inside a candle suit an innocent man he wanted to meet Cally Clarkson

yeah of course an innocent man. He wanted to meet Kelly Clarkson. Yeah, of course. An innocent man who'd agreed to try and take the piss of old Eli by dressing as a candle and walking around the place that Eli made and take the plaudits and meet Kelly Clarkson. You know, so I think you bandied the word innocent around there too freely

if I'm very honest with you but 81 decent innings you know what's the average age in the UK for a male I think it's 80.4

so considerably less than that in Llancaig it's in the high 20s so I mean he's done very well you could turn around and say

Tom Jenkins done well he's he very well. You could turn around and say, hey, Tom Jenkins has done well. He lived to three times the average age of a Llancaig resident, and he died relatively quickly, and he met Kenny Clarkson. So, you know, we've got to die something. Everyone's got to die something, haven't we? We're all going to die. Some of us will die in a vat of piss. Some of us will die melted to death.

Some of us will die from mosquito bites some of us are dying because we've been we've had a vase jammed down an air hole some of us are dying we've been hit by a lump hammer some of us are dying because someone threw a landmine at us everything dies one day we'll all be dead right one day the whole universe will will grind to a halt all the energy will gone, we'll approach absolute zero and everything will stop. Time itself will stop. When that happens in 15 billion years' time, who's going to remember that daft old fucker Tom Jenkins melting to death for taking a piss of Eli? I mean, knowing what I know about Mr Jenkins,

if you had offered him the opportunity to meet Kelly Clarkson and then almost immediately die in a missile attack versus never meeting Kelly Clarkson in his whole life, I mean, he definitely would have chose the first option. He loved her. Was the speech at his wake the best opportunity to explain that to his family? Probably not. They weren't thrilled when I described the Kelly Clarkson room to them. But, you know, you've got to speak your truth. Candleland was over and I had to go.

I just ran. But the trouble was, many of the crowd thought that this was all part of the Candleland experience. They thought it was great. They thought the helicopter was in effect and the mosquitoes weren't real. They thought this was great. They thought the helicopter was in effect and the mosquitoes weren't real. They thought this was Hollywood. And as I'm running, some of them are trying to lift me up and put me on their shoulders. I was a hero. And I was like, no, get off, put me down.

I've got to go. I've got to go. And they were going, hey, here's Jeff. Well done, Jeff. Hey, Jeff, nice job, but tremendous. A brilliant show. And then other people going, hey, Jeff, Jeff. Hey, Jeff, nice job, bud. Tremendous. A brilliant show. And then other people going, hey, Jeff, amazing. Yeah, these mosquito bites feel real. How'd you do it, bud? How'd you do it, bud? They're all, and I'm like, shut up. I'm just running, really. I'm not really

replying. And then someone else is like, oh, Jeff, Mr. Candle, it looks like he's on fire. How'd you do it? Oh, Jeff, is that helicopter cgi they i mean they just didn't get it they just thought it was all part of the show and all a big conceit and i just ran and i ran and i ran avoided the searchlights of the helicopter until i made it out the back end of the village and then i don't have any memory of where i went i just remember waking up in Cardiff. More after this. Hiring can be a challenge, as Codable co-founder Gretchen Huebner discovered. Gretchen needed to hire a game artist for her education tech company,

so she went to ZipRecruiter.com, posted her job, and found the right person in less than two weeks. How? ZipRecruiter's technology finds people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. It's no wonder that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And right now, try ZipRecruiter for free at our web address, ziprecruiter.com slash beef. That's ziprecruiter.com slash B-E-E-F. Well, let's talk about Clanky now. It's fair to say you've re-established your,

I don't know what you'd call it, a kind of, you're back in that kind of patrician role, I guess you could say. I put my stamp back on it yeah sure what's your plan really flanke you've turned what was candleland into what's being described as a gigantic outdoor slaughterhouse where people are forced to work against their will is that true they've got no will to speak of well you know are they forced to of. Are they forced to work?

Well, they're not forced to work, are they? They can die or work. They've got a choice. Amnesty International have written a report about what they have discovered about what's going on there. And they describe it, and these aren't my words, the cruel and unusual way in which animals are dispatched at the former theme park.

Well, because you've got to have a bit of fun, haven't you? I personally think that being on a conveyor belt and going along a conveyor belt and getting stunned and getting a bolt in the brain, I think that's cruel.

I think it's boring. So you think it's better if you have a similar process? What's worse than being bored? Being bored? Yeah. What's worse than being bored? Being bored? Yeah. What would you rather? Would you rather watch

a game of football that was 0-0 or 4-3? Yeah, but the people who... What would you rather? 0-0 or 4-3? 4-3, but the people who lived in town before... So 0-0 is an anaesthetised

bolt of the brain. Yeah. And four or three is having a bit of fun, you know, a little piano wire or a bit of whatever. You could be on the teacups spinning around until a centrifugal force forced you, basically an aneurysm inside your brain. Or it could be going down like a log flume

into a big pool of bleach. You know, have a bit of fun while we're doing it. There's not much else to do, to be honest. I mean, it's like we haven't got a cinema to speak of. Yes, but… We haven't got a Frankie and Benny's. I mean… Yeah, but the residents of Clanky previously,

you know, they were going to Candleland and having fun there and not being bored because they were going down, they were going on the teacups, not to cause centrifugal force to kill a pig, to get its brain to come out of its nose, but just to have a nice time and not be bored and have a fun time.

They were using the roller coaster as an enjoyable few minutes, not to fill it with cattle and then make them go at speed through some piano wire. Yeah, yeah. It was frivolous before when I was fun and functional.

But they weren't bored before is the point I'm trying to make. They were not bored now, but now they're also gainfully employed, you know. Their fun time has become work time. What they once did after work for a laugh, they can now do as work for a laugh. And do the people working there, do they ever complain to you?

Do they ever say, this is brutal? Not directly, no. Nothing to my face, no. What would you say if they said, you know know the way we're dispatching animals here you've turned it into a sort of sick devilish funfair yeah yeah yeah i'm agreeing with you right sick devilish fun i mean that sounds we can all we can all imbue phrases with with negativity if you break that down so a sick devilish funfair well that sounds fantastic doesn't it well not to me it doesn't well have you ever been on something that made you feel a bit sick like a

like a roller coaster yeah have you ever done something a bit wicked and you know you maybe maybe you shouldn't have done a bit risky? Devilish? Yeah, but I, you know. Yes, yes, yes, you have, yes. Have you ever been to a funfair? Yes. Did you enjoy it?

Yes. So sick devilish funfair, three enjoyable things. And that's not my words, that's your own words from your own mouth. But when I'm thinking of something devilish, it's,'s you know sneaking into a neighbor's backyard pool when they're away to have some fun in that pool while they're on holiday fill a pool full of bleach and chuck a cow in and it's the same thing i mean the fun the fun in there is is fabulous it was lovely to see uh have you ever had uh hamster floss hamster floss hamster floss? Hamster floss? Hamster floss,

yes, you basically get a stick and you stick it up a hamster's ass and put him in a candy floss machine and you whirl it, whirl it and whirl it round and it gets covered

in the sort of cotton candy the Americans call it, don't they? It's a hamster floss, yeah, so, oh,

brilliant, dodgems, oh, I don't know if you've ever seen a giraffe in a Dodgem car when they're strapped in. And they go in. I've disengaged the steering in a lot of the cars, so they'll go in a straight line at the hell of a whack.

When you see a giraffe crashing into another giraffe on a Dodgem, I mean, it gives the word whiplash a whole new meaning. I mean, the, the unbelievable. Um, when you see a, a giraffe

careening into another giraffe in a dodgem, a flat out speed, then, you know, no vets required. That is, that's a done deal.

Brilliant. I've got to say, it doesn't sound brilliant to me. What's, what's better? To dispatch a giraffe that way or for some American to pay $30,000

and shoot it with a gun? There's no giraffes these days that have natural causes. You get shot by an American or you die in one of your life dodgers. I mean, if I was a giraffe, I think I'd probably choose the, you know, the swift bullet to the brain from a big game hunter. You'd rather bring pleasure to some antisocial weirdo

than a family from the valleys. This family from the Welsh valleys though, how are they benefiting from a giraffe being... We're seeing it happen. Oh, so families are still coming to the park as an amusement park? Well, yeah. I mean, it's open 24 hours a day.

So, I mean, when you finish your shift, you're free to stay on there and enjoy the rides. People live on the site. Right. I see. I see. There's nothing outside of the site anymore. Very little.

There's a couple of small houses in the shadow of the bollocks. But I mean, people live on site. That's the joy of it. They live in where they work and they work in where they live. All you like sort of everything. If somebody wanted to visit from outside, could they visit the park? You're welcome in, yeah. So do you get tourists arriving maybe they didn't realize that candleland has changed hands and they you know they come with a family to go and see mr candle yeah they learn pretty quick

but they're welcome to stay and work because you haven't taken down the sign of you it still says candleland yeah so to the outside it looks to me as if it's still, you know, the website's still open. Yeah, yeah. So let's say a family turn up from Kent on half turn. They've come to Candleland because they want to meet Mr. Candle. They go through the turnstiles. How quickly are they going to realize things have changed?

If their nose is working immediately. The stench of death and decay is fairly overwhelming okay so let's imagine i've come to candleland and i've brought my family with me and i say oh i'd like to speak to the manager please uh there's this horrible smell of of decay and death um i went to the dodgems to take my child on the dodgems. I couldn't go on the dodgems because actually all of the cars were full of giraffes that were being violently murdered, essentially, by the way the machine had been set up. I'm deeply shocked by this. I'd like to leave. I'd like my money back.

I've already paid £120 for my family to come in. Which, if you've paid individually, would it be £160? money you've saved 40 pounds on the family deal yeah sure yeah i've paid for the family pass and that means i should get it says here i should get a free family photo with mr candle yeah is that going to happen yeah yeah well what's left of him yeah okay well i would i would like a refund please and i'm going to leave and take my family with me. No. There we are. Done.

Okay. Well, I'd like to leave. No. Thank you. And I put the shutter down. And then what, you know,

are they, they're in next clang of the bollocks. They're on, they're on the, you know, they're, they're on the, you know, they're at work, so. Twelve clangs later, they can go back on the ride.

You know, this interview will be broadcast publicly. It'll be interesting to see, you know, what the authorities have to say about some of the things you've told me. Don't forget now that you've got £40 off

if you book four of you, two adults, two kids, instead of being under £60, just under £20. It feels a bit like you, two adults, two kids, instead of being £160, just £120. It feels a bit like you're dodging the question, Eli. Oh, right. Do you hear that then? That's the old bollocks clanging?

Oh, I can hear that in the background, yeah. Love you and leave you? That's the big bronze clanking bollocks. Yeah, the big bronze clanking bollocks means only one thing. Kelly Clarkson time. She does a show every lunchtime, one o'clock. Oh, she's still there?

Oh, yeah. I wouldn't let her leave. I mean, she's an absolute, she brings them in, Kelly. She's a hell of a girl, yeah. And she's grown to love the place as well. So every lunch hour, one o'clock, Kelly Clarkson show. Come to Candleland if you like wildlife, fun, hard work. Kelly Clarkson, this is the place to be.

Don't forget, bring a four to you, and instead of being under £60, it'll just be £120 as well. So just to get that straight, the family pass is 120 pounds would normally be 160 i mean that's it's sounding like a great deal the more i say it it's 40 pounds off and don't forget that that includes accommodation that includes uh you know everything so great oh just for your for your listeners as well i i only like to take the

opportunity to say uh on top of the already great value of the family discount i would not like to offer you your listeners at 10 off on top of that they just got to use the code i am melting so get on to the candle land have a look uh put in the code i am melting and uh another 10 off god's very generous that's 10 off so what a family deal normally 120 that comes down to 108 that's for four people 108 that's that's very competitive when you're comparing it to other amusement parks obviously they then add that there's a 52 pound surcharge then for administration and whatnot oh still it's still a great deal though um thank thank you so much for that so that's the exclusive deal for listeners of beef and dairy network podcast know where the podcast listeners are getting this deal right this is exclusive to us yeah well that's great yeah and that's the code

i am melting code i am i am melting yeah great well thanks for elo that's really um that's really great i i'm sure a lot of people are going to take you up on that offer yeah and um gotta love you leave you because uh kelly's kelly's warming up but uh yeah, take care now. All right. Thanks, Eli. Ta-ra. Do you want to experience the world's only theme park without any electrical lights? Then why not try Candleland? It's the world's only... Actually, Eli, listen,

I've not been paid for any of these voiceovers. And frankly, I'd like to see my family. I've had it. And I'm not sleeping out in the open for another night woken by the crack of a giraffe's neck from the bumper cars look no no look I'm going home so please please untie me Eli Eli Eli oh god not the hammer not the hammer please Eli no no I'll be good I'll be good please I'll be good, are they? Please, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, Eli, no. No, Eli, please. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. No, I need my knees. Oh, Eli, no. Thanks to Eli, Jeff, and Emma for those interviews. And remember, for 10% off the already great value family pass,

it's the code IAMMELTING. So, that's all we've got time for this month. But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we got Enya and her management team to see how many AA batteries they could throw into the sea

before they were consumed with guilt. Don't want to give anything away, but it was a pretty interesting outcome. So, until next time, beef out. out. Thanks to Tom Crowley, Mike Bubbins, Chris Corcoran, and Priya Hall. Hey kid, your dad tell you about the time he broke Stephen Dorff's nose at the Kids' Choice Awards? In Dead Pilots Society, scripts that were developed by studios and networks but were never produced are given the table

reads they deserve. When I was a kid, I had to spend my Christmas break filming a PSA about angel dust. So yeah, being a kid sucks sometimes. Presented by Andrew Reich and Ben Blacker. Dead Pilots Society, twice a month on MaximumFun.org.

You know, the show you like. That hobo with the scarf who lives in a magic dumpster. Doctor Who. Yeah! We are the host of My Brother, My Brother and Me and now nearly ten years into our podcast, the secret can be revealed. All the clues are in place

and the world's greatest treasure hunt can now begin. Embedded in each episode of My Brother, My Brother and Me is a micro clue that will lead you to 14 precious gemstones all around this big, beautiful blue world of ours. So start combing through the episodes. Let's say starting at episode 101 on. Yeah, the early episodes are pretty problematic.

So there's no clues in those episodes. No, no, not at all. The better ones, the good ones, clues ahoy. Listen to every episode repeatedly in sequence. Laugh if you must, but mainly get all the great clues. My Brother, My Brother and Me, it's an advice show, kind of, but a treasure hunt mainly. Anywhere you find podcasts or treasure maps,

My Brother, My Brother and brother, my brother, me. The hunt is on!