Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 69 - Field Hour

Episode Date: March 22, 2021

Amy Hoggart joins us as we get involved in the UK Flora And Fauna Trust’s “Field Hour” event.By Benjamin Partridge, Amy Hoggart, Tom Crowley and Tom Neenan. Thanks to Alasdair Satchel.Stock media provided by JoeFrank/Pond5.com, Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com

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And if it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by Scottish Grapes and the Mitchell's Death Valley Laser Heat Lamp. Now, like most people, my life is mainly spent in a series of rooms. The bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen room. But this month, I'm going to be spending some more time in the biggest room of all. Outside.

Because this month is the Bovine Farmers Union's official Nature Month. And, of course, the natural world lives outside. Apart from pets and vermin, who should be destroyed. That's vermin rather than pets, unless you've got one of those dogs that's bitten a kid. The beef industry is of course an integral part of nature. Think about what you're doing right now, whether you're looking at the forest you're currently felling to build pasture land or crop dusting a field with heavy pesticide, that's nature. To help celebrate Nature Month, the Bovine Farmers

Union have teamed up with the UK Flora and Fauna Trust to present Field Hour, an event aimed at getting the public engaged with nature. Hello, I'm Anna Lehman. I'm the Outreach Officer for the UK Flora and Fauna Trust. I spoke to Anna about Field Hour, but first I wanted to address the controversy that some of her recent public engagement initiatives have attracted. There's one controversy that I want to start with, Anna. Okay. as a failure, really, was your scheme where, and tell me if I've got this wrong, you were encouraging people to defecate directly into a stream or a brook. Running water. And that was as a way to connect with nature.

There are lots of reasons for that, which I stand by to this day. Unfortunately, in the West, we invented toilets. And a really big problem with that is that um your knees aren't elevated you're not squatting you're sitting and it really can wreck your bowels right so to get uh humans to squat was was really for their own benefit and uh running water you know you're not flushing you're not wasting water and you've got nature's bidet there so you're um you're washing yourself so there's a lot of great things about running water defecation initiative and were you leading from the front so to speak i would go and watch people do it i was very much involved i was there on the sidelines i was cheering i was helping people find the right space but

when it comes to it I don't have the lower body strength to squat in the water for the amount of time it would take me I need a long time to do my business and I can't spend that long out outside particularly in extreme temperatures and the skiing ran throughout the winter well that's it and and you know there's there's a video i found on youtube of a retired postman's choir yes who you've got involved with this and they're actually singing jerusalem yeah while squatting in a free what looks like a freezing river um several of them keel over and are taken away by the water i don't know what happened to them uh that was nature's burial i mean again it it was that's an older uh demographic a lot of them had really given up this was their final defecation if we're going to say and um

and then they let they let nature take them away they returned to mother when you said they let nature take them away you're saying that they planned for that to happen they knew that was going to happen that morning when they turned up or had they just thought oh there's this scheme that's being you know promoted by the uk flora and fauna trust i get their monthly newsletter because i give them five pounds a month and get the the free blue tit plush toy every year and they get the newsletter they think well i like getting involved in the stuff they do i really enjoyed the wreath making workshop we did last year i really enjoyed the uh the bat walk this will just be another thing like that that i can enjoy with my with my friends um we

have a we have a asterisk a tiny star just at the end of a letter on a word in our newsletter and it always says with any initiative if you you're past 60, please join us, please get involved, that this could be the end. And knowing that, they know what they're letting themselves in for. And in our team, we know that they are relinquishing control of their survival to the trust and to nature. And it can be beautiful beautiful it really it when you've watched an old old man and an old old woman be swept away they've been wiped clean slate empty so you think there's something beautiful about someone being taken by nature rather than without becoming too macabre you know people often want to die at home in their bed for example that's

the the way people want to go you you think that that's wrong-headed well um you know i'd hate to die in a river having just you know absolutely smashed it with my own feces i don't want to die like that but a lot of people do and we've got two tiny stars just at the end of another word on the newsletter and if you follow and you look for the double star at the bottom it will say if you want to die warm in bed with your family don't come on the you know running water defecation scheme this time people change you might reach your late 90s and think i'm going to get involved with that initiative and that's great now i understand as you say that you you don't bear any legal responsibility for what happens uh on those trips because as you say the the asterisk that that stands up in court and did

stand up in court i believe yeah when that was taken to the the highest court in the land in the end which was an honor and obviously pre-brexit that was the european court of human rights and you were being tried in the morning and then that afternoon they were trying yugoslavian war criminals so that really shows you know the level of seriousness with which this was being taken it was great because we had a photographer ready assuming that we would um we would be found not guilty and a tiny vial of poison ready just in case it went the other way. Oh, right. So you'd planned the dramatic courtroom suicide? Everybody has a different idea of how to go. And that's what I've been trying to say for a little while during this chat. And I don't want to be, you know, chitting and getting, you know,

taken down a stream to the end. I don't want to be flowing in a river of my own shit towards my own death, but I don't mind the public spectacle. And a law court is a space for drama. I don't mind that dramatic end. And it's great publicity for the trust. As I say, you weren't found guilty

because of the asterisks on your website and on the form that people signed. However, the thing that i couldn't quite get my head around was that yeah sure those people who had signed up uh they had sort of signed away their their rights yeah but what about all the people who who live downstream of course there was the huge outbreak of cholera in norwich which was later tracked back to one of your events where a thousand people all defecated the river at once creating this kind of um toxic serpent which sort of snaked its way into the water system of norwich um again killing hundreds of people who's there you know the kind of cholera we haven't seen since the height of the industrial revolution

yeah so what do you want me to say about that well what i'm saying is those those people in norwich you know were just going about their everyday life they didn't see the asterisks they didn't sign up for anything it's really it's really hard humans uh we're we're a wise species we are you know i take I take my hat off to myself and to all humans. But if you turn the tap on and it's brown and it absolutely stinks

and you still drink here, are you helping your own species? I would say you're not. I don't know if you've heard of Charles Darwin. The beak guy. That's exactly it. Survivor of the fittest.

And I mean, my East Anglian brothers and sisters,'m sorry the people that you lost were not helping us either in east anglia or um just as an international species they drank they drank other people's shit they made a squash out of human excrement and that was their fault you're saying yes yeah okay well it wasn't just that initiative actually that that has been controversial um i was going to make reference to another one where and there was less information about this on the on the web so maybe you can fill me in there seemed to be some kind of scheme where primary school age children were taken into woodland by um volunteers from the uk flora and fauna trust and and there they were guided to trap kill cook and eat magpies yeah

and what was your question is sorry do you not think that was a mistake i think is my question do you not think that was a mistake i think is my question it's oh sorry you really wound me up because um it's so annoying to me that we're so some people are so including you are so precious about um what animals we eat you know oh if it's a chicken breast and it's refrigerated in tesco under that horrible plastic coating you know know, then I'll eat it. But we're teaching children, sorry, I'm getting emotional, but we're teaching children survival skills to trap and cook and then consume another animal, which is just as, I mean, it's a bird, like a chicken. So why we're getting criticism is absolutely beyond me. I think a lot of parents were just concerned about the way that their children had changed

when they came back from the course, you know? I have a quote here that I found online from an anonymous parent. Okay. They say, my daughter came back from the workshop. She was a different person. From then on, whenever I turned my back, she would be straight outside. And before I knew it, she'd be choking back a magpie. She now eats up to 10 magpies a day.

She doesn't speak to me or her father. In fact, the only words she will say to us are, Bring the magpies all to me. I will feast on their meat tonight. Okay. So I think you can see how that would be quite distressing for a parent and how a parent might actually be much more happy with a situation where they don't have to, you know,

teach their children how to trap and kill their own meat. I don't want to be part of that. I want to kill the magpie. I want to eat the organs while they're still warm. And I don't understand why everybody is always denying themselves the pleasure of trapping and either cooking or making sushi out of whatever beast it is and I want children to share in that joy and that's why I have this job. We'll be back to our interview with Anna in a moment, but first, some of your letters this month on the topic of nature. Henry from Cornwall writes,

As a dairy farmer, I feel closely attached to nature and all its wonders. Yes, cattle are a domesticated animal, and in some ways you could describe that as unnatural, but its link with nature becomes clear when you consider that they are evolved from ancient wild dogs. Not sure that's quite right, but thank you, Henry. Agatha from Hendon writes, we are too concerned as a society about what we see as natural. Is it natural for us to drink the milk of a cow? No, it isn't, but it's become the cornstone of our day.

Is it natural for us to be able to fly to other countries? No, it isn't, but it's become the cornstone of our day. Is it natural for us to be able to fly to other countries? No, it isn't, but this happens all the time. Is it natural for us to sleep every night in a bath full of warm, warm hens? No, but I can't sleep any other way. Please help me, Agatha. Thanks for that, Agatha. And if anyone has any words of wisdom for her, do send them in. And finally, Mr Prince from Gateshead writes, My interest in nature extends to an interest in naturism, which means I spend most days as naked as the day I was born,

by which I mean I start the day naked and covered in fluid, then I'm toweled off by a nurse and wrapped in a blanket and I put on a little knitted hat. Whatever works for you, Alan. Now, back to our interview with Anna Lehman. Okay, well, let's get on to what you're here to talk about. It's a big new initiative and it's called Field Hour. We've teamed up with the Bobine Farmers Union to create Field Hour, which is a really wicked new scheme. And all we're saying to people is, take an hour out of your day, get yourself into a cow field,

any cow field, and just stand there embedded in that gorgeous cow fieldness and write down what you see and send the results to us. Right. So you want people to stand there and uh look at what animals and plants they can see and write it all down for you yeah um we've we've been sent a pack here where you can take off the various things you're likely to see it says here to get a pack they should just go to a almost any petrol station in the UK should have these. Is this right?

You need to buy at least 40 litres of premium unleaded or diesel fuel? Yes. And you'll get one of these? Yes, and you get it for free. What about people who would like to be involved in Field Hour but who don't have a vehicle to fill up? You don't need to put the petrol, the fuel in a car. People are really creative. We're credits due and we've had a lot of people getting down to fill up? You don't need to put the petrol, the fuel in a car. People are really creative.

Corrida wear credits to you. And we've had a lot of people getting down to the petrol stations with their own containers and they're getting their 40 litres and they're just taking them with them to the cow field. Set it alight and attracting animals to the plains.

Well, let's talk about the actual flora and fauna that someone might hope to see when they're out doing field you know you say on the pack you'll be surprised at how much you'll be able to see within an hour because obviously you know when you're walking through the countryside you see the odd cow you see the odd bird but how often do we stop and really take stock of what's around us i think that this is what this is about isn't it it's it's amazing i really this is my favorite bit to talk about because i'm really excited to get people excited to just immerse themselves in nature and consume its bounty and can you give me

a specific example of the kind of thing that people might see out in the field so if the cow field is near running water again you might you might see another human, which is not fauna, but another human defecating. Or you might see on a river bank a delicious water bowl, which is exciting. You say delicious water bowl. No, I said water bowl. No, you definitely said delicious. It just sounded to me like you were sort of saying that people would um or that you have eaten a water bowl sometime to know that it's delicious

or not no i'm i'm not saying that i what i'm saying is if you wanted to eat a water bowl you don't even need much tiny camping stove boil it up wrap it in a dock leaf eat it um just to be just to be clear are you recommending people boil a water bowl is that what you're saying no because when before you said consume nature's bounty and i thought that was like a sort of metaphor for you know taking in the wonder of nature but i'm an outreach officer my job's not to tell people what to do or not to do okay well let's let's talk about other animals you might come across is there anything that you you know need to be careful of

obviously you know cows can be spooked and they can run at you and that's very dangerous could you come across i don't know um what if you disturbed a badger's set yes angry badgers you do need to be careful very tough little things and if you come across one i would say don't worry don't panic it's all about slow roast so take them back home pluck them low and slow in the oven done sorry i didn't mean are you saying that again it sounds like you're recommending people cook them and then eat them? Is that, I sort of meant like, what's the problem? You know, if you come across a badger, is there, might it bite you?

Your answer was roasted, I think. Yeah, they're tough. Often they're riddled with TB. It's difficult, but 100 degrees, eight hours, hours the tastiest softest thing you can imagine like eating the softest mattress eating nature's duvet so the pack doesn't mention eating anything so the pack says just write down and you know make a list of all the animals you see yeah oh look there's a buzzard oh look there's a field mouse. Oh, look, there's a... There's no mention here about cooking or eating anything.

Yeah, I didn't mention it. What do you mean? You literally just gave out a recipe for cooking a badger at 100 degrees. No. Which, for me, also sounds far too low. You need more heat than that to cook. You just need to give enough time. Isn't it going to dry out, though, if it's in the oven for eight hours?

Marinade. enough time isn't it going to dry out though if it's in the oven for eight hours marinade so firstly i'm not telling anybody to eat a badger that is absolutely ridiculous i'm saying if you have one in the oven at 100 olive oil salt lemon and its own juices eight hours covered or uncovered cover it you need to cover it that will increase the pressure within the badger's body to cook it and it will cook out the tv well well it's um i think the listeners will make up their own minds as to whether they want to be involved in that but i will be doing my field hour later today so um i guess wish me luck good luck and then let me know if you want any advice on condiments. Thanks to Anna Lehman for speaking to me.

Subsequent to recording that interview, the UK Flora and Fauna Trust got in contact and asked me to read the following statement. We wish to make it clear that the UK Flora and Fauna Trust is dedicated to the conservation of Britain's flora and fauna, and so we do not recommend that you should eat wildlife. However, we do understand that there are certain extreme life and death situations in which consuming a woodland creature, for example a badger, may be unavoidable. Before you put the badger in the oven, crank it up as high as it will go,

which means that when it goes in, you can really crisp up that skin. Then turn it down to 100 degrees C, that's 210 Fahrenheit, to get that meat going low and slow. When the meat slips from the bone, serve in a toasted brioche bun with rustic slaw, pickled onions, a fried egg, and a bit of punchy horseradish jam. Pair with a dry or semi-dry New World white, and share with a loved one by candlelight. After dinner, put on a movie, an early career Hanks, maybe big or a league of their own. Open another bottle of white wine and reminisce about holidays that you've enjoyed together. Remember that time you were in Portugal and you saw a man getting kicked in the face by a donkey? I wonder how he is these days. I wonder how that affected him long term.

More after this. Businesses have had to be flexible this year, from working remotely to pivoting their business models for long-term survival. For example, performing arts companies are streaming stage shows, musicals and symphony concerts online, and brands are spending more on e-commerce advertising due to projected rising online sales. If you're in charge of hiring for your business, these pivots have made your job even more challenging. Thankfully, there's one place that you can count on to make hiring easier. ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. ZipRecruiter's technology finds the right people for your job and invites them to apply. It's no wonder that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.

And right now, you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. Hi, I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we're the hosts of One Bad Mother, a podcast about parenting. Parenting is hard, and we have no advice. But we do see you doing it. Honk if you like to do it. Didn't we have a bumper sticker a while back that was like, honk if you did it? That's what it was. I think it was honk if you're doing it.

Why did we not ever make those? We did make them. I think they're still in the MaxFun store. Honk, honk. You're doing it. Thanks, Biz. So are you. Each week, we'll be here to remind you that you're doing a good job.

You can find us on MaximumFun.org. Honk, honk. Toot, toot toot! Having heard all about Field Hour from Anna, it was time for me to go and do it. Right, so I've found my spot at the corner of this lovely field and I'm going to be here for the next hour, spotting the wildlife that will no doubt show itself. Let the games commence.

OK, number one, I've seen a crow. I've only been here less than two minutes and I've already seen a crow. This is a great start. OK, approaching me now are... Well, they're not fauna. It's a group of four or five young, I guess, teenagers in tracksuits. And they've got that threatening way about them, you know, that teenagers have. Trying to be the big man. Hello! Hello there!

He's called me a wanker. right they've broken into a run so um i'm just going to yeah i think i better get moving okay okay yeah very threatening demeanor, and it looks like they've... What I didn't realise is one of them's got a quad bike, so the situation's escalated somewhat. I'm just going to keep my distance and just break into a little run here. I think field hour is probably officially cancelled. Oh no, he's speeding up. OK, I think I've lost the teenagers now. They've got bored, they've had their fun.

The only problem is now I really don't know which direction I'm facing. I don't know where the car is. Yes, I'm lost. Okay, I've been lost now for four hours I can't bring myself to tell you what I've just eaten Let's just say the beak was the hardest bit followed closely in second place by the black and white feathers. Ah, really, really nasty.

Do not feel good after eating the magpie. Yes, it was a magpie. Don't feel good at all bit of a temperature I think and a pressing need to shit maybe I shouldn't have eaten it I panicked so I'm

still very much lost but I've found this small fast running brook I do need to go when you need to go you need to go nature is calling so I think this is the place

yes I think this is the place. Yes, I think this is probably a trousers-off job. So here we go. okay i've just got back out of the river and someone has um stolen my trousers someone's stolen my trousers so i assume it's the teenagers i assume this is their idea of fun i can't see them i assume they're hiding in a nearby bush. If you can hear me, this isn't clever. I'm now trouserless. I'm a grown man lost in the wilderness

and I'm trouserless. So please, they're not your trousers. Come on, you've had your fun. You've had your fun. Laugh it up. Sure, laugh it up. But you've had your fun. You've had your fun. Laugh it up. Sure, laugh it up. But you've had your fun now. Bring my trousers back.

My trousers. My trousers. Please. Hello, this is Sam Archer. uh hello hi um dr archer it's the host of the beef and dairy network podcast oh look i'm not sure um it's a long story but um i've eaten a magpie is that okay oh um i'm gonna be honest with you i don't think it is no oh no okay i don't feel i don't feel great dr sam so that's why i'm calling okay have you have you heard the magpie rhyme the one for sorrow two for joy three for a girl four for a boy yeah yeah right okay i mean so that that's where you're at at the minute you've eaten one magpie and it's one for sorrow oh i am i am experiencing sorrow right i'm not sure i like

where this is going i mean if i had to give you a piece of medical advice it would be i think um you need to eat another magpie oh is there any shortcuts to that because the first one was really hard work especially the beak area um i mean on the plus side once you finish the second magpie you will you will experience joy so i guess if you power through you've got that sort of feeling of elation to look forward to yeah i guess so okay well you know you're the doctor yeah okay um before i go, second question. How long can a man survive in the wilderness without any trousers? Are you aware of the rule of three?

So basically that is you'll survive three weeks without food, three days without water, and three hours without trousers. I didn't know about the trousers bit of that. Yeah, they're essential. They're essential for survival. Oh, God. I didn't know about the trousers bit of that. Oh, God. OK, well, the clock's ticking. I'd better get going. Thank you, Dr Archer. Godspeed.

OK. I'm about a metre and a half from a magpie. Here goes. Got you.... Bring forth the bounty. The bounty of the field. I feel the warm soil between my fingertips. Ripe. With potential. The soil of Britain.

I've found my castle to be. I shall feast on my meat tonight. I realise now that I was hiding behind my trousers. You know, I was my trousers. We are our trousers, but sometimes you have to take the trousers off. Or someone has to take those trousers from you more realistically because you're not going to give them up on your own accord. But I think as a society, you know, we're protected

we're coddled by our trousers and I know that now and and I will never wear trousers again well probably to weddings I'll wear them to weddings and things court appearances but in general

I'll sort of try and cut down maybe just wear shorts or some sort of kilt you know I feel freedom you know I feel free I do wish I was wearing trousers though it's fucking freezing bring the magpies all to me i shall feast on their meat

emergency which service do you require um okay uh definitely mountain rescue for a kickoff um i'll have an ambulance as well, if possible. Probably the police, yeah. And I think that'll do. What's your emergency? Okay, so I'm lost in the wilderness and some teenagers have stolen my trousers. Nice.

And I've eaten two magpies. Okay, is that all of it? What do. Okay, is that all of it? What do you mean, is that all of it? I'm lost in the... I'm literally minutes from death, you know? I've not got any trousers on and it's freezing, so... Okay, all right, okay. Maybe you could send a helicopter or something.

That'd be useful. Could you tell us your location, please? I'm lost in the wilderness. That's the whole point, is I don't know my location. Can't you... You can do your thing where you um you can track my phone can't you well yeah we can but could you just not look on google maps i can't i'm in a life and death situation here my hands are shaking too much to to use google maps okay

fine all right uh well we're tracking you now. It says here that you're less than 20 metres from a Burger King. Am I? Yes. Yeah. Oh, hang on. Oh, there it is. Yeah. Yeah. There it is. Great. Okay. great okay whoa okay well um that's a stroke of luck

isn't it so um i guess you can call off the mountain rescue guys and the yeah i don't need anyone i don't think and um okay i'm off for a for a whopper i guess you're a whopper, I guess. You're a whopper, mate. Thank you. So if you're interested in field hour, and it's a great way to keep the kids quiet for an hour, or in my case, nine, just pick up a pack from your nearest petrol station. So that's all we've got time for this month. But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now, where you can read all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we talk pensions with John McEnroe. So until next time, beef out. Here to tell you about my brand new show on Maximum Fun, the Dave Hill Good Time Hour, which combines my old Maximum Fun show, Dave Hill's Podcasting Incident,

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the show's not even an hour. It's 90 minutes. Take that, stupid rules. We nailed it. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.