Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 73 - Kenny Baritone

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

Chris Cantrill joins us this week as darts champion Kenny Baritone gets something off his chest.By Benjamin Partridge and Chris Cantrill. Thanks to Nicola Redman and Nadia Kamil.Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.com   Nicola Redman and Nadia Kamil

This advertisement is brought to you in association with the Pig Milk Marketing Board. We've finally cracked it. Introducing Pig Milk Aristocrats Lip Edition. The world's only pig milk that is certified 100% parasite free. If you find a parasite in your glass of pig milk, it was in the glass beforehand. That's our guarantee. But don't just take our word for it. Pig Milk is personally endorsed by West Yorkshire

darts champion, Kenny Baratone. Well, I mean, if it was down to me personally, I'd keep the parasites. I love them. I've got a tapeworm and he's been all over the world with me. But I understand the need these days for parasite-free milk. I do. But I love

my tapeworm. I love him. So buy Pig Milk aristocrat's lip edition today and drink pig milk from an aristocrat's lip. Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website and printed magazine, brought to you by, and I'm sorry I have to say this again, but financial needs must, to you by, and I'm sorry I have to say this again, but financial needs must, pigme... Sorry, I can barely bring myself to say it.

Pigmeeg. Pigmeeg. Pigmeeg. Sorry. No, there wasn't supposed to be an episode this month. July is, of course, the month where the worldwide agricultural media goes on holiday. We usually power through, but for the first time ever, we thought that we should be no different. I had personally booked myself and my family tickets to Beef Solstice Festival,

the travelling summer beef festival that takes place to coincide with the Beef Solstice Festival, the travelling summer beef festival that takes place to coincide with the beef solstice, a natural phenomenon where for one night only, the northern lights smell like beef. This is closely related to, but not exactly the same as the beef quinox. Now, I was really excited to share this natural wonder with my family at the home of the Beef Salsas Festival. It's been running for 50 years this year in Iceland, where obviously due to it being summer, it's almost impossible to actually see the Northern Lights. But of course, you know they're there because for one night only, they absolutely stink of beef. To celebrate 50 years of Beef Solstice Festival, this year the Beef Solstice Festival is going on the road. That's right, the Iceland dates will coincide with the real

Beef Solstice, but then for the rest of the summer, Beef Solstice Festival is going out around the world. Now you might be thinking, what's the point of going to Beef Solstice Festival if it doesn't coincide with the Beef Solstice and isn't near the Northern Lights? Well, fear not. The team at Beef Solstice have been working with scientists and are confident that they will be able to recreate the experience of the Beef Solstice by firing chemicals and finely aerosolised gravy mist into the air. So don't worry, the sky will absolutely reek of beef. The US leg of the festival is now sold out, but if you live elsewhere, there are plenty of tickets left for you and your family to join the Caravan of Beef as a location near you.

Throughout July and August, the festival visits Bremen, Santiago de Compostela, Kiev, Tel Aviv, Porto, Tripoli, Ho Chi Minh City, Mombasa, Vladivostok, Alice Springs, Belo Horizonte, Manila, Shenzhen, Guadalajara and Swansea. The festival boasts music from Paul Paul, including his new collaboration with Jamaican rapper Shaggy. There is live on-stage cooking with Cliff Trent Roberts roberts there's a quick guide to british and american libel laws in dance performed by a hologram of les cheese of course there's competitive grappling a kids club the crustacean zone sorcerers and loads of other stuff and then late into the evening bawdy stand-up comedy from barbara font and I can tell you, that is not for the faint-hearted. So, right now I should be eating crabs and smelling beef under the midnight sun, but just as I was locking up Beef and Dairy HQ, my bags packed, ready to go,

the phone rang, and it was darts champion Kenny Baratone. Kenny will be familiar to any darts fans in the north of England, or any network members who heard our episode in which we spoke to Kenny and his wife Yvonne about their medical megababy Talbot, who has grown to nine foot tall because Yvonne had drunk so much milk during pregnancy. I explained to Kenny that I was about to put my family on a ferry to Reykjavik to celebrate a smelly natural phenomenon, but he was desperate and said that he needed to tell the world about what he had discovered. My interest was piqued. I rang my wife and told her to somehow stall the ferry and recorded this interview.

Well, first off, thank you for having me on at such short notice. I mean, I would not be using your time and your listeners' time if it wasn't very, very serious indeed. I, for one, am taking time out of my busy DART schedule. Right now, I should be in Keithley doing 180s, but I'm here because the world needs to know what I've got to tell. Do you have a message for the people in Keithley who had paid good money to see you play darts? Dear residents of Keithley,

I would like to apologise for missing the match. Originally I was going to pay one of my standings to go down and put the cowboy boots on and go down and perform in my stead but uh lookalike tony uh he's not available he's got quite a bad case of gout so get well soon lookalike tony sure so you you will occasionally send out tony instead of you to to events that's why i seem to get around so much, because I've got a system of lookalikes, you know, and my lookalike actually got started.

He was one of Saddam Hussein's lookalikes. So it's Premier League. Okay. I mean, that seems a bit strange to me, because you don't really look yourself much like Saddam Hussein. Yeah, he's not one of the really good ones, not the one that got home or anything like that, but his enthusiasm is second to none okay so just to be clear I am speaking to actually you are the actual Kenny right I'm speaking to you I'm not speaking to Tony or one of the other

lookalikes oh no they're not sound alike they've uh you know Tony has a very very strong Iraqi accent I think we'd know if we were speaking to we'd know if we were speaking to tony okay kenny well you know you're not really here to talk about um your lookalikes fascinating though that might be you said you wanted to tell the world about something you said you wanted to unburden yourself for something you've discovered so um please take it away well you see it's about one of the products that i've endorsed previously it's about pig milk okay a product that you yourself have personally endorsed

i have endorsed it but that was before I had access to the full facts. Going to hold my hands up. I did not properly research this product before I endorsed it and accepted the check. Bit of an oversight on my part. Not normally the standards to which Kenny Baratone operates, but I made a mistake. Okay, Kenny. I mean, you do endorse a lot of products. I think people have got used to you advertising various things,

putting your name to things, and you admitting here that you didn't even try the product before you endorsed it. Maybe that throws questions open about the other things you've endorsed. You could look at it that way if you were being cynical, but if you're being not cynical, it's fine,'s not that at all okay kenny well i've just brought up your wikipedia page and hopefully there's a list here of yes everything you've ever endorsed personally and i i wonder whether you could put some minds at rest and tell the listeners whether you still

stand by your endorsements of all these products it's not really the part that's not really what we're here to sort out but okay okay um you were in the adverts for alan bamber's cold beer for dogs it's so cold that beer and those dogs are so thirsty and i'll tell you you have not lived unless you've seen a drunk dog i've not actually tried the product i've've seen the advert. Obviously, everyone's seen the advert and the song, Cold Beer for Dogs. Cold Beer for Dogs. It's a very cold beer. Yeah. Yeah. Again, I know you're not here to talk about this,

but is there not an ethical problem with making beer specifically for dogs? I think it's very unpatriotic to stop a small business. I don't know what you think about that, but this is a start-up business that wants to get dogs drunk, and anyone who has a problem with that, I would say, is not a patriot on any level. Sure. You're also the face of Christmas tennis, it says here.

Yeah. So I have to admit, I don't know what that is. I've not... Well, it's... What is that? I mean, it's not taking off as we'd planned, but basically it was one of my other businesses, which is a year-round Christmas shop,

was struggling because it turns out Christmas is just once a year. And then we took that and I thought, hang about, tennis. And we mixed it together. And basically it's replacing a lot of things with Christmas themed elements. So in tennis you've got the net and we replace that with a tentel. You've got the ball and we replace that with a ball ball.

And then we replaced the tennis racket with a cooked 20 pound turkey. You know, there was a lot of smashed glass on the floor from the ball balls and it didn't take off. But in my heart i believed it was the right thing to do and still do it's just that history hasn't caught up with our vision yet which is a shame on this list here it also says that you've endorsed an app

which gives you access to a 24 7 cctv feed of whatever android weber is doing oh yeah big time we had to um that was a tough route to market for that one again we butchered up against like bureaucrats trying to stop uh entrepreneurs with vision but we managed to get it off the ground uh in the democratic republic of congo with some help from some lads from china and they sort of they've got a lot of interesting technologies about facial recognition and putting chips in people and stuff like that. And now I am proud to say that for a small subscription fee,

anybody can find out where Andrew Lloyd Webber is at any given moment. Don't you want to know where he is? Well, it feels like an invasion of privacy if i'm honest this is a common misconception we don't want to invade andrew lloyd weber's privacy we want exactly want to know where he is so we can avoid him at all costs oh i see most of the times most of the time is uh he goes betweenres and Café Rouge in Leicester Square. But outside of that, I don't want to see him coming up north.

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And right now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. This advertisement is brought to you in association with the Pig Milk Marketing Board. We've finally cracked it. Introducing Pig Milk Aristocrats Lip Edition. The world's only pig milk that is certified 100% parasite free. It's been a long time coming, but we've finally got our hands on a really good sieve. But don't just take our word for it. Pig Milk is personally endorsed by West Yorkshire darts champion Kenny Baratone.

They gave me the pig milk and they said, Yeah, this one hasn't got any microscopic worms in it at all. by West Yorkshire darts champion Kenny Baratone. They gave me the pig milk and they said, here, this one hasn't got any microscopic worms in it at all. And I said, you know what? That's a shame. It's a great shame because they impart an earthy background for Evertoner milk that, for me, a connoisseur, is quite appealing. But I know it could put off others, so really, it's up to you.

I'm just saying, for me, guinea baritone, it's not a problem. The thing with a worm is it's just a little mouth and an anus with a little brain. No, not doing any harm to anyone. It's basically just an anus with a little brain. So buy pig milk aristocrats lip edition today and drink pig milk from an aristocrats lip. So the reason I'm talking about all these things is, you know, you've endorsed all of these products.

But it seems to me, you know, especially with that Android Webber app, you're quite heavily involved in it. And it's something that you yourself use and your endorsement your endorsement means something what's your point well the the reason you're here it seems is that with pig milk that's a different story is is that is that why you're here that's fair i've made a mistake you know these people big fancy americans take you out to toby carvery they fill your car full of expensive red wine and you get whisked off your feet and they want your name. They want to write Baritone. Kenny Baritone on the top of the product as an endorsement. I thought I'd been around the block, but I got seduced. I got seduced. I made a mistake.

So you're saying that these American executives, they took you out, they wooed you, but you felt that something wasn't right? I mean, alarm bells were ringing. They said to me explicitly, do not try the product, which I thought we were... It was hard to really understand what was going on. We were playing Laser Tag.

Okay, I mean, I understand that. That's a classic technique of American executives. They will take you to play Laser Tag whilst negotiating the deal. You know, that's been going on since the 80s. But Kenny, you've been endorsing this product now for months and months and months. By this point, you're too deep into the pig milk pocket. By this point, you're too deep into the pig milk pocket. For the first time, my kids had enough money to, you know, eat three meals a day.

Because their dad's money's dried up, so I was supporting a family. I was supporting a second family that the first family didn't know about. Plus several illegitimate bastards all around town. i felt i couldn't get out of the situation and i would like to tell you what happened um as well as apologize to my staunch fan base so you're endorsing this product the adverts everywhere at what point do you begin to think hang on maybe I need to see what's actually going on with this product? Well, I woke up one morning. I looked into my wife Yvonne's eyes

and she said, what's up, Kenny? And I said, I think I've made a terrible mistake, my lovely Yvonne. And she said, is it anything to do with all these kids and stuff? I was like, no, I love every single one of them. Apart from the Cyclops, obviously. But I just needed to unburden myself.

I needed to do right by my fans, by my family, by my church. So I rang them up and I said, I want to come to the factory, to the pig milk factory and see what's going on. So you go to the factory, they allow you to do that? They're happy for you to go? I wasn't sure what to expect, but when I rang up, they welcomed me with open arms. They wanted me to come down.

Even teased the prospect of getting a free pig. Oh, really? They promised you a free pig? No, they didn't promise me a free pig, but it was heavily implied when they said, yes, please come down. And what I saw in that factory changed the way that I think about pig milk forever. Okay, Kenny, tell us about that day. Tell us about the day that you went to the pig milk factory so i jumped in the top of my convertible car and drove all the way at top speed in first gear to the factory to see what was going on so you know i put a bit of paper in the footwells in case i did get some free pigs

and they were all shitty and the shitty pigs would be in there ruining the interior upholstery all shitting in the car and that but i didn't mind the prospect of a car being full of pig shit if i could bring a couple of the pigs back back to my wife yvonne it would go a long way to solving you know some of our problems you know? And I was thinking about it all day. About what I'd say, you know. Yvonne! Yvonne! Come downstairs! Come and see what I've got for you, love.

I know you're busy looking after my 20 to 30 children and my mistress Sally Buttington. But here's something for you to play with and also look after within your downtime. A bag of pig's love. And in my dream, a face would light up and it should embrace the pig's like sons and kiss them on the back of their hairy necks. I got to the factory and the place stinks.

It's a sort of smell where, you know like when you leave wet shoes in a carrier bag in the boot of your car for over six weeks because you've gone on an extended holiday to Bradford. You know what, I tell you, Bradford really is a fantastic holiday destination. They know what they're doing in Bradford. It's got a lovely conference centre, Marks and Spencer's, and the traffic calming measures are second to none. Zebra crossing, Pelican crossing.

It's impossible to die in Bradford by a collision with a car. That's how safely it's all locked up. They've got the Bradford IMAX. They've got the National Film and Photography Museum. The Alhambra Theatre. Ackbars for a curry. They used to have a Quasar too. That's gone.

But what they do have, they have betting shops. You want to put a bet on, here you can't move them it's an absolute utopia for the idle man anyway enough about Bradford that's not what I'm here to talk about made to talk about the pig milk factory big imposing building belching out acrid smoke in the foyer i catch a glimpse of a security guard cctv monitor i can see the full factory floor and the pigs are in line with suckers sucking out their milk and milk splashing everywhere. It's like viscous, viscous fluid everywhere. It's leaking all over and all the people working there are completely naked and shaved and smooth like a frog. So far, so normal pig factory and it's a beautiful thing to

see but then I notice that the video is on a loop. It's the same little bits of footage you can see at the end the technician knocks over a bucket and then it just cuts straight back. There's something amiss in the pig milk factory. a miss in the pig milk factory. There's something amiss in the pig milk factory. I'm greeted by a tiny apologetic woman, and before I know it I've been taken into a side room and they've shaved and greased me Kenny Baritone

top to toe and then they took me by the hand took me into a dark room and they told me to curl up on the floor and close my eyes like a little naked greasy fetus

and slowly I could feel the room filling up with warm pink milk straight from the teat now you might think I was panicking at this stage, thinking, oh no, I'm going to drown in pig milk. A death I would only wish on my worst enemies, like Alan Bambera, the king bastard. But what people don't tell you about pig milk is that it's so salty, you float on it. It's like the Red Sea, but it's come out of a pig's tit so i was floating in this pig milk all naked and small and vulnerable and i was transported Back in time. Back in the womb. My mother's womb. Bessie Baritone.

I can't believe I'm fucking breathing again. Oh, she was a handsome woman, huh, Bessie? Strong thighs. Big hands. Like a goalkeeper. Like a goalkeeper. And then nothing. Oblivion. Pure darkness. Like a goalkeeper. Like a goalkeeper. And then nothing.

Oblivion. Pure darkness. And through the darkness, a teat was pushed through my lips into my mouth and I began to drink. Slow, slow gulps of that pig milk. And a woman's voice came into my head. You can open your eyes now, sleepyhead, said the woman. And I opened my eyes expecting to see that glorious pig that this teat was attached to. But it wasn't a pig.

It was the manager of the factory Gary Albury Gary Albury a baldy middle aged man wearing a fleece and jeans my pig milk baptism was about to begin and Gary Albury he would be my guide Gary Albury

Gary Albury, his wife got him my guide. Gary Albrey. You know, Gary Albrey, his wife got him a red letter today to a F1 experience, and when he got there, they said that he should be teaching the course, not just attending it, and he took that to heart, not quite realising that there's hate to everybody. In reality, he's a shit driver, middle lane hogger, liability. Gary Albrey. In reality, he's a shit driver. Middle lane hogger. Liability. Gary Albury.

You know, that sort of lad. An appalling driver. A small man. Gary Albury. They owed me right in the eye. Pulled the teeth back into his face and said, Now, you are ready to see the pig milk factory. But I must warn you, he said, it might not be what you expect.

We had to make some changes to make it more efficient. Efficiency is the key in this factory. I was led through to a shining steel-walled hall, the size of which I couldn't even comprehend. And at the very centre was one of the most harrowing things I'd ever seen. And I've done the Wigan Grand Slam.

Do you know what I mean? Where I'd expected to see traditional farming fair. You know, row upon row of pigs having their tits milked by lasses called Sheila and Linda and you know, that sort of thing. But this was different.

This was something, something else entirely, something worse. You see, there was just one single pig, but it was mammoth, roughly the size of the Titanic, and it was covered in what must have been thousands of man-sized teats. And there were hundreds of workers, you know, sloshing around through the knee-high pig milk, placing these suckers onto the teats, and some of them had clearly been driven mad by what they were seeing. You know, it was too much for their hardware to handle.

But they were slipping and sliding across the floor, trying to scoop it up and guzzle it down. And my guide, Gary Albury, produced a shotgun and started picking off the most crazed workers. It's far around good, son, he said. Gary Albury produced a shotgun and started picking off the most crazed workers. It's far around good, son, he said. I raised my gaze and looked at the huge porker straining in its fine, pleather harness. I felt sorry for it, of course.

I mean, I know what it's like to feel like you're tied down, being sucked dry by a thousand mechanical suckers. I used to live with my ex-wife. Barbara Fontana. Please welcome to the stage Barbara Fontana. Thank you, thank you. I went on a day with the butcher the other night. He said, I suppose you expect me to give you free steaks. I said, I don't care what you do.

As long as later you pull out your mallet and tenderize my rump. I was suddenly overcome with an overwhelming desire to break this pig free and say, be free, Be free, giant porker! Go on, lad! Here's a quid. Go to Tuck's shop and buy yourself a big bag of treats-size dreamies. I had a small penknife, Swiss by design, but it was no match for the premium pleather that was holding the giant shitbag in place. There was nothing for it.

I would have to wrestle Gary Albury's shotgun out of his hands. Without warning, I kicked Gary Albury in the cock and went for the gun. As my foot made contact with his undergarries, his bollocks jangled, you know, like a bag of coins. Of course, he was a robot. And his hands electrified knives, which he sort of launched towards me and plunged into my chest. And then I woke up.

I woke up in my very own garage, surrounded by empty cans of dog lager. own garage surrounded by empty cans of dog lager right so you you say you woke up so that was all a dream that didn't actually happen i'm not gonna say anymore okay i mean it's just that there's a couple of things there in your account but when you add them together starts to gnaw away at the credibility of what you're saying so well we'll let the audience decide that really that's well sure i'll put this to the audience you know yeah a number of the things you said are certainly implausible well and then at the end when you describe waking up you say you were surrounded by empty cans of dog lager is it not possible that you instead of this happening

what actually happened was you went into your garage drank a lot of beer that was made for dogs that sent you into some kind of hallucinatory reverie in which you imagined all this and then when that wore off you woke up is that not a more kind of simple explanation for what's happened i've drank a lot of dog lager over the past 12 months and it just doesn't happen like that. It doesn't affect you like that. No, that's not a goer for me. When you say you've drank a lot of dog lager,

I mean, that beer is made for dogs, right? No, it's made by dogs. It's lager made by dogs. it's got lottery funding it's very noble sorry because i've i've seen the advert on television um you and alan bambra alan bambra says new cold beer for dogs and the dog is drinking the beer it's not clear from that advert that the beer is meant for humans as well as dogs that's not the way it's being marketed is what i'm saying well i mean you have to say now prove alabama's legal team and they are as good first is the dogs that brew his beer so good luck okay so i mean yeah i think the listener can decide what they believe from your account.

I'm happy to let them do that. It's not for me to tell them what to believe, so we can let that go. I guess what I'm interested in is what is the message that you have for people who are listening to the pig milk adverts, people who are buying pig milk themselves, and people who have bought pig milk as a result of your endorsement. You know, they value your opinion they think if kenny baritone likes it i'm gonna buy it what you want to say to all those people all i would say is a kenny baritone endorsement is still a gold standard of retail i mean yes on this occasion we have dropped the ball and in this case i'm endorsing a sort of giant pig god type thing

that still speaks to me in my dreams, begging to be released from its restraints of premium pleather. Kenny Baratone, thank you very much. Cheers. This advertisement is brought to you in association with the Pig Milk Marketing Board. You're probably wondering what happens to all the parasites when we sieve them out of our new 100% parasite-free pig milk aristocrats lip edition. Well, we bag them up into our brand new product, Big Bad Bag O' Parasites. Delicious! But don't just take our

word for it. Big Bad Bag O' Parasites is personally endorsed by West Yorkshire darts champion Kenny Baratone. You might think that these tiny parasites are something to be filtered out, to be ignored, to be boiled and destroyed by fire. But in actual fact, they're a delicacy. I, for one, first got put onto them after I was brought round to Richard E. Grant's summer home. I was brought round to Richard E. Grant's summer home. He gave me a fresh, steaming, wriggling plate of parasites and said this is what everybody's eating. Dinner was followed by a tour of his beautiful home, which is an absolutely delightful detached property

next to a power station. New big bad bag of parasites. Oh, shit, the back's split open. Oh, God, no! Oh, they're on me! They're on me! Thanks to Kenny Baritone for that interview. Gigantic pig trapped in pleather? Or a man who's drunk too much canine pilsner? It's really up to you to draw your own conclusions. So that's all we've got time for this month. I've just received a text

message from my wife saying that she managed to delay the departure of the ferry by calling in a bomb threat. So as soon as our house is turned upside down for evidence and she's later released by the border force, we should be good to go. If you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now where you can read all the stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we review our top 10 picnic blankets from the point of view of someone who wants to use it to strangle an assailant in self-defence. So, until next time, beef out. thanks to chris cantrell nicola redman and nadia kamal and thanks to you for listening now just a little bit of news we've got a new live show happening in september at the london podcast festival tickets are not yet on sale but it'll be taking place in the daytime on the 11th of september also excitingly for people who can't get to london it's going to be live streamed so you

should be able to watch it wherever you are on the globe i'll post links to tickets when they become available on social media also i will send out details on my mailing list which you can join if you go to benjaminpartridge.com if you do that i'll send out an email with the details of the live show also i will mention it after next month's episode all right until next time dear friends goodbye since the dawn of time screenwriters have taken months to craft their stories but now three hollywood professionals shall attempt the impossible break a story in one hour that That's right. Here on Story Break, I, Freddie Wong, Matt Arnold, and Will Campos, the creators behind award-winning shows like Video Game High School,

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