Beef And Dairy Network - Episode 88 - Live at Tanya and Barry’s Wedding

Episode Date: September 25, 2022

Linnea Sage, Tom Crowley, Mike Wozniak, Henry Paker, Nadia Kamil join in this month as we provide a live version of the podcast at the same time as performing the ancient vows of holy matrimony for a couple called Tanya and Bob. Stock media provided by Setuniman/Pond5.com and Soundrangers/Pond5.comMusic credits courtesy of epidemicsound.com:Follow Through / Martin KlemSoaring Heights / Francis WellsOn A Sunny Day / Headlund

Hello! This episode is a recording of the cattle that go into the production of Beef Squared were themselves fed with Beef Squared, which is 100% beef. New Mitchell's Beef Squared. Because beef times beef equals beef. Hello and welcome to Beef and Dairy Network Live! Now, it is a great privilege to be here to record an episode of the podcast. However, due to a clerical error by the venue, leading to a room double booking, this session will be both the podcast and the wedding of a man called Barry and his fiancée, Tanya. Sorry, excuse me, Barry.

Excuse me, you actually said that you would just let the wedding take place. No, no, I didn't. You told me the room had been double booked, and I told you not to worry and that it would be fine. Right, which I obviously understood to mean that you would cancel your stupid podcast and I could have my wedding. Sorry, just to explain, this is Tanya. We've only just met,

but I'm getting bridezilla vibes. I'm sorry? Finding out that your wedding venue has been double booked with a pork podcast doesn't make you a bridezilla. Okay, it's beef. Pork producers don't have podcasts. They wouldn't even know which end of a microphone

to speak into. The fucking idiots. Oh, come on, please. All of these people are here for my wedding. Okay, well, look. Give me a cheer if you're here for Beef and Dairy Live. Okay, and give me a cheer if you're here for Tanya's wedding Sorry, that's my cousin He's got a point

Shut up, Pendlebury His name's Pentlebury My name's Pentlebury Sit down, Pentelbury. My name's Pentelbury. Sit down, Pentelbury. Apart from Pentelbury, basically no-one has turned up for your wedding, Tanya. Well, no.

Barry isn't very popular, and I'm not exactly sure why. But to me, he's almost the perfect man. He's kind, loving, dependable, and in bed he goes like a train. By which I mean, halfway through, he brings in a trolley groaning with snacks and refreshments. Then what's the problem? Well, I've often wondered, but

I think it's that he doesn't like beef. Where is this sick fuck? I don't know. He's probably off eating chicken or prawns or something. Well, look, there's a big audience here to see the latest developments in the beef and dairy industries, so why don't we just do the podcast, and then

when Barry turns up, or whatever his name is, we can carry out your wedding to Barry or... Was it Bernie? Barry. Oh, yeah. Benny? Barry. Bernard?

Barry. Christopher? Barry. Jonathan Tonzano? Barry. Sorry, Barry. Thank you. Jonathan Tonzano?

No! Sorry, Barry. Jonathan Tonzano No! Sorry, Barry Jonathan Tonzano Right, look, fine Okay, but there's one problem Because of the mix-up, the vicar actually left Because he assumed that the wedding was cancelled So will you be able to do the wedding service legally? Of course

Every day I am ordained anew. By beef. So. This wedding has already created an odd atmosphere amongst the audience slash congregation here, most of whom are excited about getting the latest beef and dairy news, some of whom are here to celebrate the marriage of two people that only death shall pull us under.

And one of you is here because you want to bang your cousin. We haven't done the podcast in front of such a divided audience since we did our live symposium on whether selenium and vitamin E supplementation is better served by separate selenium and vitamin E supplements or a combined supplement. I need not remind you how that panned out, but we're still paying reparations to Newcastle City Council for the burnings. We don't want another night of fire,

and so we'll try to be respectful to both parts of the audience here today. And first up is an interview with a man who's probably best known for his TV show Vet in a Helicopter. It's bovine arse vet Bob Truscothic. Hello, thank you. Hi Bob, and now, since we last spoke, you had just essentially botched a face removal operation.

And I believe it was at that moment you came to decide that you couldn't feasibly continue as a vet. I'm not technically vetting. No, I'm not. I mean, I'm not treating unwell animals. Let's say I took a bit of time off, a bit of a sabbatical. I've been getting back into arse based post mortem work that's a dying art yeah

on animals? on humans? well a human is an animal isn't it really so anything really I won't do birds though something odd going on with birds which I've never quite got to grips with but yes

I mean... It's something for the little guy. You know, a lot of the time, you know, deaf for all the police don't really care if your haddock has died in suspicious circumstances. And then I come. And, yeah, I mean, I'll examine anything and anyone as long as, you know, the price is right, frankly.

Does a haddock have an anus? Ah, now there's a big question. And if you're a haddock monger paying me to examine the arse of your haddock, then the answer is emphatically yes. If it's just the man in the street asking me, then I'll have to say, hand on heart, I don't really know. the man in the street asking me, then I'll have to say hand on heart, I don't really know. My assumption is that

something gets extruded from somewhere. But I just can't get interested in Haddock. Okay. So what happens during an arse-first post-mortem? Well, it's four stages, I suppose. There's inspection,

looking for blanching, or anal ruining, we call it. Well, you sort of see a series of patterns that might tell a tale. Palpation, where you're feeling for sort of ribbing, feathering, gritty textures, brailling. Braille? Well, it's sort of anal braille. It's not technically braille. But I've had to work in a lot of very poorly lit places in the past. So I've learned to read.

I keep the pad of my right index finger exceptionally soft. I use it for nothing. In fact, normally it's bound, so it remains baby soft. Auscultation, while you're listening. A normal mammalian anus should just sound like Oliver Reed whispering sweet nothings into the ear of an ingenue from a distance. Anything beyond that is abnormal. And then insufflation, where you simply pump the anus full of dry ice.

I find it's best, but anything really, any air, helium, and remove the viscera one by one. And what you do with them is up to you I guess that's the question is it's kind of I was listening to all this and thinking to what end hmm peace of mind fighting crime so you

just to be clear you're removing all the internal organs yeah if needs be a lot of the time you just need the anus, that's it. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then the anus is the kitchen window you've unintentionally, carelessly left open or can be easily smashed through with half a brick. And what about the rumours that you've been employed by Bias? Oh yeah, very happy to talk about Bias.

Yeah. I don't know if everyone knows you would have been contacted you would have got a letter, I imagine they would have got a letter They should have got a letter but I have to admit that I didn't get round to looking up everyone's address so a lot of them were posted without addresses

but a letter was sent to everyone because obviously pre-2016 we were part of ANAS That's the European But a letter was sent to everyone. Because obviously, you know, pre-2016, we were part of ANAS. That's the European ANO Notification... And Analysis... And Analysis Service. Yeah, service. And, you know, thank God we got unshackled from them in 2016.

And their 800 million strong database. And just to be clear, this is a database of European anuses? Yes, it's an anus database. And that's used in crime scenes? Crime scenes, cross-referencing, best man speeches, best man speeches, whatever. There's a bit of private stuff they do on the side. B.R. is our answer to that.

But unfortunately there's been very, very little uptake in people. At the moment it's purely voluntary coming in to get an anal print done. I'll be out the back with voluntary coming in to get an anal print done. I'll be out the back with a gazebo at the end of the show. Technically, by not replying to your letters, you have all consented to having your imprints. But they're very useful.

I mean, only recently in Shropshire, we solved a case of a guy from the 70s who'd been defacing lava lamps uh and making them look obscene um and uh but he'd been caught in in the act and uh run away and uh left uh i think it was about barely even a quarter of his anus uh dangling on the edge of a garden trellis. And that was the only piece of evidence that remained from the entire case. Everything else was thrown away. Loads of fingerprints in the house.

That was bulldozed in a policy at the time where if they didn't have time to investigate, they'd just bulldoze the crime scene. And he was banged right, so I was able to read that little bit of anus very well and track him down to an anus rehabilitation center in the shetlands and so um obviously they haven't got a choice in the matter but what are the benefits for the audience here today for logging their ass on the brs database because currently i heard that it's only 35 strong is that right it's only 35 strong I think uh really if you've if you and your anus have done nothing wrong you've got nothing to hide is is the advantage uh I would say and you know that you're contributing you're doing your duty uh to king country you know that if you can you're doing your duty to King Country you know that if

you can be excluded you know from a crime and if any of you are thinking of committing a an arse out robbery at any point you know you'll think twice because you know you're on the books and principally that's through they were dust for an arse print

it's a kind of dust it's a kind of dust it's what I use is it's a very dried out strong household alkalis sort of toothpaste, your oven cleaner that sort of thing until it's, I'm very rarely

patient enough to let it get to dust stage, so it's more like a sort of scorching paste that we use and that burns an imprint like a sort of scorching paste that we use okay and that burns an imprint um on a bit of a4 um if i can find it or just some bug roll and then put that in a an old sandwich bag i've always got loads of sandwich bags and send it off and that's just kept in your car then isn't it that's kept in my car and the glove compartment and until such a time as it as it is uh needed yeah. Well, Bob, I'd like to,

I'm sure we'd all like to say thank you for keeping us safe. My pleasure. Andy, I'll see you at the back in the gazebo at the end. Thank you, everyone. It's Bob Jaskowski. See you there.

Thank you. Bob? Bob? Bob? Tanya. I wasn't expecting to see you here. Hang on, you know Bob? Well, it was 1998, Mallorca. I was on holiday with the girls,

which is what I call my passport in traveller's checks. One day I was sitting in a town square, sipping a hot Orangina, when I saw him, his arm elbowed deep in the back of a donkey. Even though he was removing compacted feces from a donkey's arsehole, it felt like he was reaching into my

chest and grabbing my heart. That evening we went out for dinner. I'd have enough of the foreign rubbish they eat in Spain. So Bob found us a place where you can have a full English at any time of day or night. He had kind eyes, was well-dressed, and smelled strongly of donkey manure, which I personally find very sexy. Across the restaurant,

an old woman was choking on a hash brown and he saved her life retrieving the hash brown not from her mouth but from the other end then we went down to the beach and stayed up all night dancing and drinking boiling hot orangeina until the sun came up For the rest of that week we were inseparable. Sexually, he goes like a train. By which I mean it should be nationalised so that it's available to everyone for a reasonable fare. Then, when it was time to go home, he dropped a bombshell. And the rest of the bomb too, not just the outer shell. He was married and had kids.

My heart was broken forever. So yes, you could say we know each other. And Bob, you know Tanya? It was 1998. Mallorca. I was on holiday and came across a profoundly flatulent ailing donkey, badly in need of disimpacting. I put down my sweet, warm Orangina and started doing what I did best.

I put down my sweet, warm Orangina and started doing what I did best. I looked up from one of nature's most beautiful sights, the anus of a donkey, and saw something almost as captivating. Tanya. Within minutes, I was asking her to come to a place that I knew, a little trattoria that did 24-7 English breakfasts. A few extra euro would slap in a bit of Monterey cheese over the top. After our feast, we slunk away to the beach where we drank piping hot Orangina.

And banged. Sexually, she went like a train, by which I mean it was pretty good, but not as good as some experiences I've had in Germany. I was about to confess my love when I suddenly realised that my wife and two children were watching us from the two-star hotel just down the road. The balcony, I'd promised I'd take them to the beach about a week ago, and that turned my hot orangeina a little bit cold, metaphorically. So, yes, you could say I know Tanya.

Right. OK, can we get on with my wedding now? Well, where's Jonathan Tonzano? What? Sorry, Barry. Where's Barry? Sorry, hello. Oh.

Hello, sorry, sorry, sorry. Hello, sorry. Sorry, sorry I'm late. I was just eating a lovely chicken and prawn booner. Oh. Don't say that, love. It's a pork podcast. Beef!

Oh, yes, sorry, beef. It's beef. I work in a pin factory. Great. Now, I feel we should probably learn a bit about you both. Tanya, tell the audience about yourself. Oh, yes, okay. Sure, I'm Tanya.

I am a bubbly go-getting gal, and I love travelling by rail. Eggs, the works of the absurdist playwright Eugene Unesco, and I'd say my biggest pet peeve is having my wedding ruined

by a pork podcast. Right, and Barry? I work in a pin factory. Anything else? Making pins, making pins, making pins all day Short pins, long pins, pins, pins, pins If the pins go wrong we put them in the bins Pins, pins, pins. I make pins. I've got to say, Barry,

that was pretty fucking weird. I work in a pin factory. And I hear, Barry, that you don't like beef. It was 1998. My fourth birthday. My whole family gathered around, expectantly waiting for me to try my first beef. I put the beef to my lips and tried to swallow it,

but it caught in my throat. My body would not accept it. It was violently expelled in a tornado of bloody vomit which fired out from every orifice including some orifices I hadn't been aware of previously for the following 36 hours. That day I stopped growing. I stopped growing. I was a tall four-year-old, yes, but... imagine how vast I might have otherwise been. That's how we discovered that I Am a nil beefophage

A what? A nil beefophage There are other words for it A bovophobe Juvenile never beef Friend of Daisy Admiral's gimp Essentially I can't eat beef.

No. No, the nil beef authority is just a myth. You used to scare children. I work at a pin factory. Come on, Barry. Let's get married. Okay. I mean, sure, you can't eat beef

and you're only as tall as a four-year-old. Admittedly, a five-foot-ten four-year-old. And you're ultimately not very exciting. But at least you don't have a secret wife and kids. OK. Well... First on the order of service for the wedding is a reading. And it doesn't seem like there's anyone here to read that out, but luckily our next guest might be able to help with that.

Please welcome Michael Banyan. Hello. Thank you. Michael, now, our audience will know that you are a former Bovine poet laureate who then fell out with the Bovine Farmers Union, who stitched a cow face to your face as a punishment and sent you into exile in Spain, from which you returned after the death of Boven, Farmer's Union and force of Runyon and Cradge, only for you to be shunned by the literary establishment on your return

to the UK, which led to you turning your hand to television, which led to you being sued by the actor Paul Giamatti, which meant that you then had to have a cow face leather on your face removed to sell to a Russian billionaire to pay your legal fees. However, when that operation took place, you then had to reattach a new cow's face to keep you alive. Yes, and throughout that period, I've also been using a late 2012 MacBook, which I'm sure a lot of you already know, really struggles with any operating system beyond High Sierra.

You've been through a lot. I've been through a lot. Emails lagging much? Lagging quite a lot, yeah. Yeah, so it's been tough. How is the new cow face bedding in? It's looking all right. Thank you very much.

Yeah. Yeah, well, it's like a new pair of shoes. It's exactly the same as a new pair of shoes, just a mono face shoe. That's how I like to describe it to people. And as with a new pair of shoes, you've got to break it in. There's some pain, there's some

bleeding. I'm just looking at it. Is it a bit small for you? Yeah, alright. It's a bit rude, but yeah, yes, it's a little optimistic. It's a bit tight. Yeah, it's a tight face. I've currently got a... I like to think of it's a little optimistic. It's a bit tight. It's a tight face. I like to think of it as a nice, tight little face.

Ooh. You're really all squeezed into that face, aren't you, tonight, Michael? That's how I think of it. I like the way you've poured your curves into that face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you are bursting out of that face. But what I do for that is I'm having to do face physio. Okay. So I have to do daily face physio to sort of break it down

and make it supple from the inside okay the hard leather what does that entail so that entails i have to run through every every possible facial expression every day wow um it's more than you think as well isn't it it's more than you think um there's uh there's anger there's extreme anger there's rage mega rage uh there's also anger befuddlement confusion arousal aroused confusion, confusion, arousal, aroused confusion, angry confusion, angry arousal. There's a huge, I've got a huge chart that I have to run through. Disappointing avocado? Disappointing avocado, sexy avocado.

Thought it was an avocado, it wasn't. It was a dragon's egg. Thought it was an avocado, it was a sexy dragon's egg. Thought it was an avocado. It was a sexy dragon's egg, et cetera. There's a huge fucking... So how are you able to, you know, do you just go through the list every day? Well, the thing is, it's difficult.

I have to feel each emotion genuinely. That's the thing. I have to actually feel each of those emotions, otherwise it doesn't work. Right. And so, obviously, there's only one way of experiencing all the true emotions, isn't there, in a day?

There's only one person that can take you on that emotional journey. Okay. And that is, of course... The greatest act of his generation. Sir Mark Rylance. He's... So every day he comes round to visit me. It's all on the NHS as well.

It's incredible. It's incredible. Every morning he comes round to visit me and he does a medley he performs a medley of all his greatest roles I'm struggling to think the BFG

everything from the BFG all through the other films all the big ones the thing about Rylance he's a huge actor and he's the greatest actor of all time no one has any doubt about that but it's quite hard to name check

think of the specific roles but a lot of his greatest roles that's because a lot of his greatest roles are actually playing other people playing roles that's how good he is so for example he played Harrison Ford playing Han Solo you mean? So, for example, a lot of people don't know

he played Harrison Ford playing Han Solo in Empire Strikes Back, for example. So he watched the first film and did an inch perfect Harrison Ford. And what was Harrison Ford doing during the film? He has to lock the...

He has... He has to lock up whichever the actor is in question. He has to lock the he has he has to lock up whichever the actor is in question he has to lock them up in Rylance's dungeon yeah and and so they're still there presumably I don't know

he played Michael Caine playing Chewbacca in Return of the Jedi if you look at that film again it's a Caine inflect playing Chewbacca in Return of the Jedi if you look at that film again it's a Caine inflected Chewbacca a lot of it is like a lot of it you'll notice there's just a little inflection he's put in

he played Kevin Costner just for the press interviews he played all of Kevin Costner's press interviews for Dancing with the Wolves he played two of the wolves in Dancing With Wolves. A lot of people say there aren't any wolves in Dancing With Wolves. Well, of course not.

That's how well he played them. How many wolves have you ever seen in your life? You don't see wolves. See what I mean? But they're there. But they're there. There's no question of that, is there? He played Priti Patel from the autumn of 2019

through to the spring of 2021. He played in goal for Borussia Dortmund from 2015 to 2018, including the Champions League run. He played Emily Maitlis in the first half of the Prince Andrew interview. And then he played Prince Andrew in the second half. So, despite these teething problems with the face, it sounds like it's going well,

I've heard that it's given you a new lease of life creatively. It really has, you know. And I've been doing something I've often wanted to do and I've thought about doing, which is I've been trying something I've often wanted to do and I've thought about doing, which is I've been trying prose. Prose? Prose. I've been writing prose.

Right. Yeah, so I wanted to write prose and I've always felt quite deeply that literally fucking anyone can write a children's book. Yeah. Because it's for children. It doesn't count, really. It doesn't count. It's for children. It doesn't count, really. It doesn't count.

It's for children. Literally, I've always really felt that very, very deeply. I thought it would be a complete piece of piss. And you're literally writing for children. It's like, do you know what I mean? Because you're writing for idiots. It's a novel for idiots, basically. You're writing for total idiots.

Yeah. Because they say everyone has a novel in them, but I believe that everyone has at least eight children's books in them. And two film adaptations and merch. I believe the average person has a quarter of a million branded rucksacks in them. So I believe you've started a new series, a series of children's books.

It's about a young boy sent away to a butcher's school. His name's Harold Porter. That's right. Yeah. And is it full sequence planned out? Yep, seven novels I've planned out. It's really easy planning them out as well. Yeah, so seven

in total. Harold Porter and the Philosopher's Cow. Harold Porter and the Chamber of Meat Cruts. Harold Porter and the Sir Loin of Asker Beef. Harold Porter and the Gobloin of Aska beef Harold Porter and the goblet of gravy Harold Porter and the order of two steaks, three beef

Massaman curries and some sticky beef on the side please Harold Porter and the half fat mince and Harold Porter and the Deathly Talos. Which is a form of beef fat. They knew that. They knew that. And that sounds to me like big screen potential. Oh, big screen potential written all over it.

Thought about the cast? Yes. I've had some deep casting thoughts. I thought probably go for the leading actor of our time. Mark Rylance? No, unfortunately he couldn't get him. He's busy playing the Angel of the North for the next six years. Right, right.

Big gig for Rylance. So no, I had to go one down the chain. Not Paul Giamatti? Not Paul Giamatti, sadly. Unfortunately, I can no longer be within 2,000 yards of Paul Giamatti. Not Paul Giamatti, sadly. Unfortunately, I can no longer be within 2,000 yards of Paul Giamatti. Because of a court order? No, no, I just can't take those piercing eyes. So intense.

Okay, so who have you lined up for this? Well, I believe the third greatest actor of all time, I don't think this is controversial, is Daniel Radcliffe. Just a superb actor. And my plan is to use CG technology to make him look younger.

Imagine a young Daniel Radcliffe. So you're kind of taking the Irishman technology and taking it even further. Because obviously in the film The Irishman they used CG technology to make an old Robert De Niro

look like an old Robert De Niro who had been unsuccessfully turned into a young Robert De Niro by poorly developed CG technology. And an underlying bad idea. But we're going to improve on that. And I think we can make it work.

I think Second Time Lucky is going to work with us. We're also going to use CG backwards technology to de-age Emma Watson, you may have heard of. The actress and campaigner Emma Watson. We're going to de-age her. And she may have heard of. The actress and campaigner Emma Watson. We're going to de-age her, and she'll be playing Harold's best friend, Ione. Ione.

Ione. Brilliant. Well, best of luck with all that. Now, it's lucky you're here, Michael, as this is both a podcast and a wedding for Tanya and Barry. Be careful saying the word wedding. Too loud around me.

Sorry, why? Because if Jonathan Franzen... He has an app on his phone which hacks all of his friends' phones and it hacks into the microphone and it listens out for the word wedding. Right. And if that goes to him,

it goes to his Google Maps and it hires a horse for him. And he arrives at the wedding because he loves an evening do. to him, it goes to his Google Maps and instantly it hires a horse for him. And he arrives at the day because he loves an evening do. Jonathan Franzen has ruined more evening do's than Kashmir Ishiguro has burned down branches of TGI Fridays. Great.

Well, the reason I'm glad you're here is that often at a wedding there'll be a poem and you're here to read a poem from your new collection. So I was wondering whether you could take the poem you were going to read and dedicate it to Tanya and Barry and do that. So tell us about the poem you're going to read. Well, I mean, it is from my new collection, which is poems exclusively about cow shit.

Tad Highway. Right. You're over that. I think we're going to have to go with it. Okay, well, to promote his new book and to honour the enduring love between Tanya and Barry, a poem by Michael Banyan.

Okay, maybe I can give it a little tweak to... Make it about them. A little something for the happy couple. Okay. Okay. So this poem is simply called Cow Shit. It's based on a true event that took place in my life. This is years before the cow face days.

When I was a young up-and-coming poet. And, yeah, I'll let the poem do the talking. I didn't fit in at the picnic. Their disdain was barely concealed. So I said I was feeling a bit sick and escaped by way of a field. All around me, you lay sleeping. Gentle faces turned to the skies.

Not talking, not judging. Just softly seeping. Encrusted turds in the shape of hot pies. Some fresh-faced and soft. Like an on-the-turn soufflé, And others brittle-skinned with time, like a rancid creme brulee. In a way you looked like flying saucers descended down from heaven, A race of friendly martians all the way from turgilon seven no mouths to mock and to hate me no eyes to squint and to judge

just bare-faced feces frisbees friends sculpted from rancid old fudge. I christened the stringy one Jimmy. Steamy Sue was the belle of the ball. Runny Jack was dripping on Timmy. And the lumpy one had to be Paul. Here was a smooth-faced young Charlie. And there was a wrinkly old Clive. And Sven almost seemed to be winking. Good Lord, were they really alive?

Old Hamish had gone a bit yellow. And Keith was attractive to flies. Red Tim was a strange-looking fellow. I'll warrant that cow shortly dies. that cow shortly dies. I was getting the eye from Big Carol, but smooth Jane I desired to embrace, and gloopy young Sue was a lovely lass too,

as I stooped down to kiss her wet face. When the picnickers finally found me, they shouted, where have you been? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Why are you... Why are you why are you kissing the turds? But please

can we join you where jealous was the far deeper truth that I heard with my new fecal friends I truly had found companionship rich beyond words I hear you're a great couple Tanya and Barry

like a couple of seeping old turds. Yes. A beautiful tribute. Thank you very much, Michael. Sorry, did you just compare me and my husband to cow shit? I'm not the one that chose to get married during a beef podcast, am I? Well, the word chose is doing a lot of work there, isn't it? Can I just say, I think your husband

seems very, very odd. And I'm talking as someone who was there for the whole of Donna Tartt's laser quest every day for 60 days phase. Yeah? Well, thank you for coming in, Michael. Michael Banyan, everyone. Thank you.

Now, for the next stage of your wedding, sadly, Tanya and Barry, many of your friends and family couldn't be here today. But they've left some messages for you, which we can now watch. Tanya, hi, Tom here. Just a quick video message saying sorry I can't be there with you today. But hope you have the best day you can, considering Barry.

Getting married, never thought it. All those years ago in the common room that you'd end up stuck with him. But here we are. We all make choices. Have a really great day. Enjoy yourself. And remember,

take some time out in the day and ask yourself, what are you doing? All right, have a good one good one hey Tanya and Barry I'm really sorry I can't make it to your wedding I just I just really don't want to come sorry it's me again I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it I'm nearly burnt my kms it's Tanya think about this it's Barry hi Tanya hi Barry I'm so sorry I can't be at your wedding. I hope you have a lovely day, but I guess it is just as well because Barry's such a boring bastard.

Look, I know we're cousins, but we've got a connection. Hi, Lucy here, I just wanted to say congratulations on your big day Tanya and Barry I'm so sorry I can't be with you today but I hope that you're having a lovely time and that Barry isn't ruining it by being an absolute disgrace as usual it just it's Barry okay I'm just I'm just just trying to say there are other options out there okay uh you know and, right, we're second cousins, but that shouldn't stop anything, okay? Hey, Tanya. So sorry I'm not going to be there at the weekend for your wedding.

I'm going to miss you loads. But I hope you have an amazing time. Yeah, and a wonderful life going forward with... No, I'm recording a message for Tanya in a boring... It's not illegal to marry your cousin. Barry, how does that feel, watching that montage of well-wishers? I work at a pin factory. Sorry, there is actually one more video message, please.

Oh, okay. Tanya, when I found out you were getting married, it felt like a blow to the heart and anus. Not many people know that the two are intrinsically linked. Anyway, driven mad with jealousy, I tried to turn your family and friends against Barry, and I'm afraid I sabotaged the room booking to try and stop the wedding going ahead. I'm so sorry. It's just that I can't even close my eyes without tasting that hot orangina. Bob! Tanya, in the process of sabotaging your wedding, I've learned two things.

One, I love you. And two, an alarming number of your cousins are sexually attracted to you it's not illegal Bob listen I know Barry isn't a prick you know he's nice

too nice you might say although I did once when I was following you guys in the shadows I did witness I think him skipping away after a hit and run

so there's a bit of edge but the point is he can't give you what I can give you passion spontaneity I think him skipping away after a hit and run. So there's a bit of edge. But the point is, he can't give you what I can give you. Passion, spontaneity. Hot Orangina. Oh, Bob, you big, sexy arse vet. Barry, I'm sorry. I'm working at a pit factory!

Tanya, will you marry me? I don't... I don't have a ring, but I do have this dried-up cow's anus that I found in Haddon Garden. It cost me £3,000. More of that after the break. Beef and Dairy Network Live is sponsored by New Mitchell's Beef Squared, the world's first beef cattle feed made from beef. It takes the beef of two whole cattle

to feed a single cow with Beef Squared. So when we inevitably dominate the market worldwide, it will effectively have the number of cattle on Earth every generation. That's a problem we're yet to fix, but what are we going to do? These beefs need their beef. New Mitchell's Beef Squared. Because beef times beef equals beef. Certain people just make my life easier.

Whether that's a member of my family, my partner, or my beef nurse, ZipRecruiter makes hiring easier because they do the work for you. ZipRecruiter's technology finds the right candidates for your job and can invite your top choices to apply. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash beef to try it for free. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash beef. Slash beef. Slash beef. slash beef slash beef slash beef In a world where meat was banned

only one man can stand up to the state. I'll have another beer, please, barkeep. Sure about... Hey, I know you. You're slash beef. Slash beef? Slash beef? Slash beef?

Slash beef? That's right. I'm Slash Beef. Life is pretty boring these days. Now I've defeated the government who intend on stealing everyone's family meat, and there is no threat to my child, Glengerman, my baby beef. Also, my wife was murdered by government goons, and I miss her weird voice. Why not drink the boredom away, Slash? Excuse me.

Did I overhear correctly that you are Slash Beef? That's right. I'm Slash Beef. Slash Beef. Slash Bean. You're Slash Beef. Slash Bean. I'm Slash Bean. Slash Bean. I'm Slash Bean.

That's right. I'm Slash beef. Slash beef. That's right. I'm slash beef. And did I overhear correctly that you were bored of your life and miss your wife with her weird voice? Weird voice? Weird voice. Weird what?

Weird what? Weird what? How are you doing? Where do I... Where do I... That's right, weird voice. Yes. Yes, I miss her. Well, what would you say if I told you that there is an unlimited number of parallel universes where your wife is still alive

and the government is still trying to steal everyone's family meat and that I can take you there in this box? I'd say, let's go. Okay. Now hold on tight to the special handles on the box. Okay. Quite a ride. Now, this is your home,

but in a parallel universe where everything is the same. But your wife is still alive. Why are there chickens everywhere? Oh, yes, sorry. That's the only other difference. This is your home, but in a parallel universe where everything is the same.

But your wife is still alive. And there are over 20 chickens in every room. Oh my god! I think she's through there. Oh my god! SlashBee! SlashBee! SlashBee! SlashBee! SlashBee! You saved me once again from the government goons and saved our family meat.

If there weren't over 20 chickens in this room, I'd make love to you right here and now. Let the chickens look, baby. Oh, Slash! Stop right there. Who are you? What? You're Slash B? That's right, I'm Slash Beef. But I'm Slash Beef. Slash Beef? Slash Beef? Slash Beef?

Slash Beef? That's right. I'm Slash Beef. And you're fucking my wife. Slash! No! But Slash, you've just killed yourself in another dimension.

That will have wide-ranging effects across the multiverse. Well, you could have explained that beforehand. I should never have listened to you. I should have recruited a scientist through ZipRecruiter.com. Right. And we're back from the abs.

Tanya, will you marry me instead of Barry? May I say something? Go on, Barry. I know I'm not the most exciting man in the world. I'm not sure if I've ever told you this, but I work in a pin factory. Maybe that's why so many people in that video called me a prick. Just a pin joke for you there. You see, in this world, some people are born with an inherent quality, one that is difficult to define, being interesting. Actually, I suppose that wasn't that difficult to define. But those people grow up to do interesting things, like

being insurance claims adjusters or health and safety inspectors, or Nicholas Whitchell. Not me. I work in a pin factory. And try as I might to become interesting by buying a hooded jumper

or having a cup of tea after 1pm or mixing two breakfast cereals together. All bran and bran flakes. It never seems to work. The most and only interesting thing I've ever done is love you, Tanya. And that hit and run I did. Sorry, Barry, that was nice and all, but she wants to marry me,

an international globe-dropping art vet with massive hands. Actually, no, I don't, Bob. You can't just propose to me on my wedding day. Yes, we spent a wonderful week together in Mallorca drinking hot Orangina. But Barry is the right man for me. After that week

in Mallorca, you left me high and dry. And the thing I haven't mentioned yet is that you stole all my traveller's checks and my passport. It's like she had to swim home. Barry would never do that to me. He's dependable. And sexually, he goes like a

train. By which I mean that if you take away the element of friction by using a huge electromagnet, he can go up to 300 miles per hour. Come on, Barry, we're getting married. Do the service. Okay, the service will take place using the traditional beef service used to marry members of the Bowen Farmers Union

since the Reformation. Thank you, Tanya. I work in a pin factory for you. Welcome all. We are gathered here today in the sight of beef to join together Tanya and Barry in holy matrimony. Tanya and Barry, you've come together this day so that beef may seal and strengthen your love.

And this community of friends and cousins... LAUGHTER I wonder if Michael would do the reading. This community of friends and cousins. I wonder if Michael would do the reading. It's in the script. I thought you meant Michael Wozniak. Who's Michael Wozniak? I don't know. No idea.

What, the tractor seat design pioneer, Mike Wozniak? Yeah. Beef is patient. Beef is patient. Beef is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud.

It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Beef does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres. Beef. Tanya, repeat after me. I, Tanya. I, Tanya. Take the Jonathan Tonzano. Sorry, I take thee, Barry.

I take thee, Barry. To be my husband. To be my husband. Cousin or non-cousin. Cousin or non-cousin. To have and to hold for this day forth. To have and to hold for this day forth. And Barry.

I've actually written my own vows. Oh, so romantic. Thank you, Barry. So repeat after me. Yeah. I work in a pin factory. I work in a pin factory. Was that it? Yes.

Okay. So by the power vested in beef I now pronounce you Tanya and Barry And now it's time for our final section Ask a Vet Your chance to ask any questions of the vet Bob Triscothic And now it's time for our final section, Ask a Vet.

Your chance to ask any questions of the vet, Bob Treskothic. And we will take an audience mic to this person. So the first one comes from Clive from Little Hampton, who's over here. So you can bring the audience mic over. Hi, Bob. Hello, Clive. My horse eggs aren't going down very well with the family at the moment. Your horse eggs? Yeah.

Right? At family breakfast. Mmm. How can I improve their taste? Ah. Yes, the bitter, acrid taste of the horse egg. That's a strange phenomenon where the taste comes entirely visually from a horse egg because they look so foul and rancid it's such an overpowering vision that you assume they taste

acrid so eat them blindfolded or or or score out thine eyes with thine thumbs eat them blind if you're nervous about doing that for the first time then just put them in a sort of mystery breakfast buffet with a few different items you've got your horse eggs, you've got your duck eggs you've got your hams, you've got your yoghurts you won't notice when the horse eggs go down that's the key, thanks

did that answer your question? excellent thank you Bob for answering our question wait, I have a question for the vet. What would you do if you realised you've made the biggest mistake of your life? Go on. Look,

I've been married to Jonathan Tomzano. Sorry, Barry. For upwards of seven excruciating minutes. And the only thing that's made it bearable is that you were there as well. And honestly, the hit and run thing has left a very sour taste in my mouth. Well, I can think of something that could take that sour taste away. Hot. Orangina.

Come on, Tanya. Well, I also have a question to ask the vet. So you'd better listen, and listen good. I have a sick pig that keeps vomiting in my shoes, and... Tanya? Bob? Bob? No, Tanya, why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? I work in a pin factory. What's the point without her? I'm going to do myself in. I'm going to run myself through with a pin. So that's all we've got time for this month. If you're after more beef and dairy news,

get over to the website now, where you can find all the usual stuff. And of course, there's the off-topic section, where this month we run down Joanna Lumley's favourite Romanian power stations, accessible by boat. But until next time, beef out! by boat. But until next time,

beef out! Thanks to Linnea Sage, Tom Crowley, Mike Wozniak, Henry Packer, Nadia Kamal, Vivian Almond, Rob Gilroy, Clarissa Maycock, William Cleverley, Kim Kensington, James Maltby, Max Davis, Alan Giles, and also thanks to everyone who came and saw us at the London Podcast Festival. It was most fun. Bye! Hi, I'm Hal Loveland.

And I'm Mark Gagliardi. And we're the hosts of We Got This with Mark and Hal, It was most fun. Bye! We got this. Fact Yourself Podcast has asked celebrity guests trivia about topics they choose for themselves. And introduced them to some of their personal heroes along the way. Oh my gosh. Shut up. Oh, I feel like I'm going to cry. Oh my gosh. It's so, so exciting. Join me, Jake Heath Van Straten.

And me, Helen Hong. Along with guests like DJ Jazzy Jeff, Yardley Smith, Roxane Gay, and so many more on the Trivia Game Show podcast, Go Fact Yourself. Twice a month, every month, on Maximum Fun. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Audience-supported.