Beef And Dairy Network - Jumanji CWS - Episode 1007

Episode Date: April 27, 2026

It's episode 1007 of Jumanji: CWS with Michael Banyan. This week's guest is actor Phillip Mushroom. Thanks to Henry Paker and Daniel Rigby. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/joinbeef 

Hello. Now, last week there was an episode of Beef and Dairy Network, and there's another one this week. What? Isn't it usually monthly? Yes, it is. But this month is Max Fun Drive, which is when shows on the Maximum Fun Network, like this one, Beef and Dairy Network, ask for the support of the listeners for our shows. Thank you to so many of you who already support the show. If you'd like to do so, why not go to maximumfund.org forward slash beef join. That's maximum fun.org ford slash beef join. Also, if you do sign up, you get access to our bonus content. And the day after this episode goes live, there'll be a new piece of bonus content, which is, for the first time, an entirely unedited version of this episode. So you get access to the completely unedited, recorded audio, because I think some of you might be just interested to kind of see what it starts out as. It's a lot longer than this episode.

There's lots of stuff that got edited out. There's lots of us cracking up. It's good fun. So if you're interested in that, the only way to listen to that is to sign up and support the show at maximum fun.org forward slash beef join.

Anyway, here we go. It's another episode of Jumanji CWS. Welcome to Jumanji CWS. The podcast where I, poet Michael Banyan, ask my guests whether they could have been in the original Jumanji film.

I then ask them whether they would have been in the original Jumanji film, and we round off the podcast with the biggest question of all, whether they should have been in the original Jumanji film. And along the way, we all learn a little bit about ourselves. And as ever, we're sponsored by Jumanini, a brand-new Jemangi-themed bikini or Mankini sent to your door every month. Simply leave the old soiled Jumanini in the provided memorandini,

little bin, and wake up to a fresh Jimankini on your doorstep. And this month, Jimankini are introducing a new formal wear range. Jumansi-themed bikinis and mankinis that you can wear to a wedding, funeral, or court earring. Jimangi, CWS. CWS. Could or would or should have. And before we welcome today's guest, I'd like to shout out to our outgoing editor, Paul Stripes.

He's having to leave because he's starting a jail sentence for a string of arsons. And I just want to say, Paul, if you showed the same amount of dedication and attention to detail to arson as you did to editing this podcast, then no wonder you're going to be in prison for so long. Best of luck in the slumber. Now it's time to introduce today's guest. Welcome, Philip Mushroom. Hello, thank you for having me. A much-loved television actor. Most famous, of course, for your roles as Detective Beef in Beef Justice.

Brilliant. Yeah, fun memories. Yeah, absolutely brilliant show. Thank you, thank you. And of course, DCI Bankside, in Bankside, the canal-focused police procedural. Yeah. Now, I believe that you would have received a Jimankini in the Post this week. Is that right?

Yeah, yeah, I did. I loved it. I put it on right away. We're still trying to, I had a very short and intense episode of psychosis after putting it on. and we're trying to figure out whether that's connected in any way. But I'm not sure what chemicals you use in the... Neither are we. That's the thing. It's very much lucky dip in a way. Yeah, because the doctors say it could be chemicals that I've somehow inhaled from it,

or it might have been that I saw myself in it and it caused some sort of split in my psyche that I wasn't aware of. Well, what we do say is, legally you can't touch us for anything because we're based on a... Well, all the accounts for Jimankini are based... in a completely waterproof sealed briefcase that's attached to a boy in the Irish Sea. Right. And that means you can't be touched legally.

We can't be touched legally, I'm afraid. Yeah. Okay, that sounds right. But having said that, did you receive your safety puppets? Yeah, I wasn't quite sure what they were for, so I was wearing them as well. So did you shove them down the, because the frontal? No, I put them. No, yeah.

You need to maybe include a sort of instruction manual or a leaf. flip that maybe tells people where to put the pipettes and everything. I had them sort of behind my ears. I thought it was quite strange because... Okay. Yeah, the Mancini's normally... The Jew Mancini is one piece, right? It's just one.

Right. Well, you did have the option to pay for the epaulettes. So which I see you didn't tick. No. So the epaulettes are a sort of... They're a kind of backup safety feature. Right. They secrete a thick oil onto your shoulders. Right.

which we find it certainly is distracting. And that would have stopped me seeing ghosts and... It may well have done, yeah. Right. So you probably... I think the buck stops with you on that one. Oh, yeah, no, I'm always happy to blame myself. That's going to work well, I think, today.

Fantastic. I'm so happy to be here. Well, it's fantastic to have you here. It really is. Before we move on, what was I meant to do with the puppets? Okay, so the problem with that is, we've got a set of instructions, but because of a mix up with the EU law things,

they've all been written by Dutch 12-year-old. So it's impenetrable. It's an absolutely impenetrable language if you're not Dutch. If you're not Dutch, is what we've found. Although some people do speak it, but I know what you're saying, yeah. Yeah. I get the gist of what you're saying. People do speak Dutch, but you have to be born to it.

It's not, it's one of those nature, it's nature, it's very much nature rather than nurture, You can't learn Dutch, not from a standing start. It can't be learned. That's why they didn't teach it in schools. Or perhaps you've got a Dutch A level you'd like to tell us about that you took because I don't think you did. No, I don't personally, but I do have a cousin who speaks Dutch and it wasn't born in. But they would have been, well, you might want to do some DNA testing

because they'll have a Dutch parent. We're all on 23 and me. Right, well. There's no Dutch, really. Dutchness can express itself, you know, in different ways. it's the only, well, as we think we understand, it's the only pre-human language and pre-human nationality, so it could have bubbled in through any spice in the genetic ancestry.

You may have all come from plants initially. Pre-human nationality. Yeah. Dutch is the only one. Right, right. God, this is fascinating. Yeah, it's good to learn. Yeah.

That's one of the things we like to do here on, on Jumanji coulda would or shoulda, is expand people's understandings of principally the film Jumanji, but also European history, cultural history, anthropology, the world. I mean, we found it's a real, it's a great way to wrench open the lid on a person's psyche, through the film, you know, through Jumangi. Because actually, is it really about the film Jumanji, this podcast? It's something people ask me.

And I always tell them, actually, yes, it really is. is principally about the film Jumanji. But that does open up, you know, other areas of discourse. But they tend to then come back to the film Jumanji, which is why I think we should actually talk about the film Jumanji right now. What do you say? Oh, I'd love to, yeah. Before we press on, a little bit of housekeeping about the Jumanini process,

we've been getting quite a few emails with people complaining that the metal bins, which you put your old soiled Jambanis into at the end of the month. that these bins have been sort of secreting a kind of acrid liquid. It's somewhere between purple and mauve. People find it very hard to describe. And they say that the liquid then encrusts and forms a kind of a kind of barnacle-like protuberance, which stops the hinge working properly.

Because obviously you need to get the lid down and seal on those soiled gemanquinis. Because of the, you will have noticed presumably the stench. The stench, yes. And it's a kind of visible stench, isn't it? Did you find you can see it? I found it had an aura for sure. Yeah. Definitely.

Yeah. Deep, deep move. That's right. It's a deep move. And I did find that the residue on the bin was what started talking to me at first, which ended up with me staying in the secure unit. And we're still picking that apart. But other than that, it looked great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It did look great. That's so important, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. But at the end of the day, you have to weigh everything up in terms of pros and cons. And yes, I had a short stay in a secure unit. but I wore the Jumancini to a christening, my nephew's christening.

And I was very much the bell of the ball. Did you get comments? So many comments. So many people shouting. Yeah, yeah. It causes quite a stir, doesn't it? Yeah, it really did. And it was just good to be the centre of attention for a whole event, really.

Because it's not always about the kid, is it? Or at least... I don't think it should be. I think it's bad for a child to feel. like the centre of attention, especially at christening. Yeah. And so for the formal gamankeenie... The black tie giovanni.

The black tie giovanni. So did you have the groinel... The groinel cummer bund? I had the groinel cummer bund and bowtie. Yeah. And I also had the groinel tails. Oh, lovely. That's very formal.

It must have been a very posh-do. It was... Well, my brother's... He's high up in finance. He's always doing sort of big posh things. Right. Okay. I wanted to make the effort.

Yeah. And what's funny, what's really good find, I did if you've had fun with this, is you can obviously, you can sort of, you can tailor it a little bit to your own needs, because there are the three hooks, which you can, you can dangle little keepsakes and little. Trinkets and, yeah, lucky charms. Little trinkets off. So the three, the three you get with the starter pack are, is. is the miniature face of the three stars of the film, Germanty, isn't it?

Yes. It's Robin Williams. Yes, of course. It's another one of Robin Williams, because he really is the star of the film. He's in it all the way through. And, of course, Kirsten Dunst. Yes, Kirsten Dunst. And also, if you pay $9.99 a month, you can get a Paddington set,

and we're looking to bring in all kinds of film franchises into the Jamankini from now on. So did you use the little hook features? I did, yeah, and I'd gone for the... the Saw selection. Saw 3? Yeah, Saw 3.

Yeah, so I had little trinkets and bits and bobs. Hanging off. Hanging off for good luck from Saw. It's a good conversation starter, isn't it? Yeah. At a christening. Yeah, it's great. Okay, so let's start with the first Jumanji CWS big question.

Could you have been in Jumanji? Well, as you know, in the 90s, I was really quite busy, but what I've done is I've actually brought in my diaries. from the time, just to check whether physically I could have been in it. So when was it filmed exactly? End of 94. End of 94. Well, we were filming a series of beef justice, which we did a lot of at that time.

But I see it. So Ipswich-based for the filming. Ipswich-based, yeah. And set in Ipswich as well? Did they have to dress Ipswich? They had to dress Ipswich. Yeah, there was a lot of work on dressing it up, if that's okay to say. So where was it actually set?

It was set in Ipswich. Okay, but an alternative Ipswich, was it sort of parallel Ipswich? It was a parallel Ipswich that was, I mean, the way that they put it was a better Ipswich. Okay, yeah, it was an idealised Ipswich. Yeah, it was a sort of utopian ipswich. But a utopia in which there is quite a lot of murder and crime. Right, okay. So yeah, so we had to stop filming in November 94.

I can see it here for a few months because tomorrow, Rothman, who was my co-star, I think you'll remember her from the series, probably. Tamara Rothman. Oh, yes. Your chemistry was pretty, pretty intense, wasn't it? Well, she was a wonderful, wonderful actor. And she had, she wasn't well at the time. She had an almost fatal attack of facial gout.

Oh, dear. Because she was into fad diets. And at the time there was this, I mean, it was the 90s. she was into this cheese and game liver diet. That was massive, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. She was just like absolutely hoovering liver. Right, yeah.

And it started, I think, coming out of her face. I'm not a doctor. It's not... It's the amino acids, because obviously the liver is filters all the amino acids out of the bloodstream. Right. If you eat liver, you're eating pure amino acids. Right.

If you get too many of them, they start to fight each other, essentially. So it must be... I mean, yeah, so with a liver. liver, if a liver is processing a liver, it must be sort of like, what is this, this is me. It's so confusing. It's so confusing. Your immune system starts to feast on itself. And obviously that leads to gout, but in the wrong place. Yeah. Upper body gout and you get trench hands. Yes, I think she had that as well. She had very, very black, smelly hands. Yeah. And that's why she wears throughout the whole of series three of beef justice, she's wearing oven gloves,

isn't she? She's wearing, yeah. And it's not explained in the story. It's not explaining. And And I can't remember why, but it's the oven gloves that are part of their joined together. That's right. And it really restricted what we could do. Yes. And they wouldn't give her two separate oven gloves. No. Sometimes, you know, budgets and things in the productions.

They can be really funny about that stuff. Tell me about it. That's my biggest sort of entry in the diary for that time because I was very, I just sort of, you know, it's fairly Spartan what I write. You know, 18th of November 94. filmed beef justice, Tamara's hands, smelly, face,

speckled, sleep. And that was the style. So you kept track of her symptoms? I did keep close track of her symptoms because I was worried. Production really wanted her to carry on working even when she was finding it all very difficult,

especially with the oven gloves. But I wanted to make sure that we had a record. And if I look through the diary just to see what happened. Yeah, yeah, here it is. This was the big day. Yeah, November 30th, 1994. Egg is the morning. And then Tamara's face.

And I've just put boom. and I think that's because her face did explode. I think you probably remember that. Well, you could hear it as far as Norwich. Yeah, they did hear it in Norwich. That's what they said, yeah. And that was a really alarming day. That was a really alarming day for everyone.

Yeah. Well, her entire face exploded, didn't it? That's what we're... Yeah, it did. That's what we're dancing around. Yeah. I mean, she got through it, which, you know, is the important thing. Yeah.

You know, if anything, she thinks it's a massively positive. Nowadays she talks about it like it was a big positive experience when her face exploded. But of course, because of that, production stopped. Yes, we had to stop, yeah. Which means you were technically available to work on the film Jumanji. Yes. I think we have an answer, which is Jumangi coulda. That's right. I coulda.

Coulda. Jumangy. CW.S. CW.S. You coulda have been. in the film of Jamanga. So, we've established that you could have been in the film Jamangy. But now it's time for part two.

Would you have been in the film Jamangy? So tell me, if you've been offered a part in Jamangy, Philip, would you have taken it? Well, this is a period of time when actually my management team and I were really trying to... to get a Hollywood career going because my profile was high in the UK.

Yeah. I mean, Beef Justice was everywhere. It was... Because you think about the 90s. Yeah. You think Scary Spice. Yeah. You think sporty spice.

Yeah. You think Tony Blair. Yeah. And you think Beef Justice. That's right. And it's actually huge again now, isn't it? Yeah. Generation Zed have really rediscovered beef justice.

Yeah. They really have, especially with the Oasis Tour and everything. Yes. It was sort of all folded into that. There's a lot of beef justice merch sold with the bucket hats and everything that were going on at Wembley and whatnot. And at Halloween last year, I saw kids as young as nine going around with the Beef Justice sideburn stuck on. Yeah, it's sweet. It's sweet. And it's a privilege to have been part of something so massive.

And that was ultimately the absolute forefront of the Cool Britannia period. And of course, the other thing in the 90s, wasn't it, everyone had a side. You were either Blur or Oasis or, of course, you were Beef Justice or Hampi. when everyone had to pick aside. Yeah, yeah. A hampeye total rip-off. Excuse me if I spit on the ground. Oh, well, yes.

I know that was quite controversial. Absolute nobeds. The love of absolute nod. They really ripped us off. It's a weird one, isn't it? Because it came up before Beef Justice, isn't it? But that was just a quirk of production schedules. That wasn't because the idea came first.

No. It was very much. The production started first, didn't it, on a hampe eye. Yeah. But the idea. But the idea was pre. Yeah. And of course, the key idea was in Hampi or Beef Justice, which is, what if there was a detective working in Ipswich,

whose surname was a kind of meat. Yeah. That was the brilliant premise. That was the brilliant, brilliant premise. I mean, and it's just a stroke of genius. Because how do you, you know, it's an idea that's so simple and yet so effective. Immediately either the mind is alive with a firework display of possibilities. And of course, Kathy Retman, the writer.

Yeah, genius, pure genius. She... Lovely person as well, very down to earth. Well, yes, but if you talk to, of course, Oliver Fantab, the writer of... Excuse me if I spit on the ground again. But the writer of Hampii would beg to differ, wouldn't he? Because he claimed that he had the idea before... Kathy absolutely had the idea before Ollie.

And also, what are the chances of two people having that same idea at the same time? I think it's probably not conceivable, isn't that two people would think the detective with a meat-based surname. No, it's not realistic. And Olly Fantab was, of course, he was a runner in the production office where Kathy Retman originally worked and came up with the idea. And he moved very, very quickly to pitch his idea elsewhere and got it. But I mean, all that aside, I mean, obviously that's years ago now. It's all water under the bridge. And Olly Fantab is, thank God, dead now.

So we don't need to worry about that anymore. And also, we don't even need to talk about the ITV show, Detective Inspector Chops. No. Because that was clearly a rip-off. Yeah, and that one I didn't mind so much because that was for children and more of, yeah, that was more down the sort of puppet route. That's right. Because he was literally, he was literally chops, wasn't he? Yeah, he was literally a set of chops, yeah.

It was animated chops. It was the same people that did Postman Pat, wasn't it? So it was all that lovely, that old-fashioned, stop motion. And the way they'd conceived the chops being one person was, of course, linked by the gravy. Isn't it? Yeah. So there was a kind of congealed gravy. And the trots were like feet walking around, weren't they, around a kind of an idealised little miniature version of Ipswich.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, you remember it really well. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, with the Cool Britannia atmosphere going on at the time, my agent thought, because there were a lot of Americans who loved British culture that maybe that could parlay that into some sort of American Hollywood career. And they thought, and so I was getting meetings at the time for quite big. films, the advice was from them to play hard to get, make yourself seem like a much more attractive asset by not being as available.

So I turned down everything. When you say them, you're referring to your agent Pam Croydon? Yeah, Pam Croydon, exactly. Pam Croydon advised me to go up for, because her idea was, the right job will come along, it'll be absolutely massive. but turn down some jobs in order to get the big offer and so I turned down a part in Titanic

and I turned down a part in Moulin Rouge and Independence Day I was also painfully close to being Forrest Gump but you just did an outright no was it? You just did a no. Hamcoord and told you to say no. They had wanted me to go back in for a screen test and I refused

I said, no, I'm not going to do that and I thought that was playing hard to get and so I didn't get the job. Incredibly gutsy move, isn't it? Yeah, and we came a cropper with it really because I never, I never, I mean, it sounds obvious to say it now but I never, you know, all the jobs that I turned down did mean that I didn't work. It begs the question, doesn't it?

What were you waiting to come along? I mean, what would you have said yes to? Um, something like the Passion of the Christ, which came later. But it feels to me as if you almost had a kind of gambler's addiction to saying no, because of course you were saying no to films. And initially it was working. Bigger and bigger offers were coming in.

I mean, Forrest Gump was massive. Yeah. I feel like you were almost getting a kind of hit out of that saying no. And the bigger the film, the bigger than no, I'm not going to do it. Sorry, I'm really busy all year. Yeah. Yeah. In a way, I was one of the biggest film stars of the 90s and had one of the most incredible runs.

I mean, Oscar nominated. Yeah. In a way, in a way, a lot of it, yeah. Yeah. A lot of it was visual effects stuff mainly, but yeah, it was. So, I mean, in a way, you're a household name, I mean, aren't you? Yeah, yeah. In a way, I've sort of turned that down, which puts me above one of the best.

careers in Hollywood in a way in a way in a way you can't even leave the house in a way I can't leave the house and in a way I'm an icon but yeah it certainly it certainly doesn't translate into real things and life experience that one can look back on like having had a long term relationship with Winona Ryder having dated Elle McPherson having it in your diary that you're having lunch with Bill Pullman next week. Exactly, which is probably something I could have done regularly. But my agent always said, turn down Bill Pullman for lunch. Because, you know, when I got offered Independence Day,

I was offered a very juicy role, and Bill Pullman got in touch and said, would you like to meet for lunch and discuss the role? And I told him where to stick it. Yeah. And he was very confused. And the irony was he ended up taking the role, didn't he? He took his role, yeah. I was offered another role.

Yes. Yeah, he took his... He did take his role. He did take his role. If I had gone to that lunch, I'd have told him, you need to turn this down, mate. Yeah. You're bigger than this. But of course, the words that run through this story like a stick of rock, Pam Croydon.

Yeah, Pam Croydon. And I came to... When the offers dried up because I got wind that my reputation was in the... the gutter, basically. But it was, your reputation was, it was very confusing. Yeah. Because people were like, this guy turned down Independence Day. Yeah.

I want to meet this guy. Right. And that, wasn't it? It was an incredible buzz, actually, that you created. That was the idea. That was the idea. I want to see this guy's balls. Right.

And people wanted to see my balls. And that was for a while. I want to smell this guy's ass. Yeah, and people did want to get a whiff of my ass for a while afterwards. You thought your ass didn't smell a shit. That's right. People were saying, this guy doesn't think his ass smells a shit. I want to check.

I want to smell this, wasn't it? It was that kind of thing, yeah. You created a real, and it spread around Hollywood like wildfire. There's this kid from the UK who thinks his ass doesn't even smell a shit, and we've not managed to check it yet because you can't meet this guy to verify anything to do with his ass. Yeah. Yeah, I want to huff that crack and just see what on earth it does smell like because it can't be shit at this point.

This guy thinks the hair on his balls ain't pubs. Yeah, cashmere balls. I mean, that was the strategy. I think that was even maybe on the mood board. But there's only so much petrol in that tank, so you turn down everything. Well, if you knew how much petrol there was in the tank or even if there was a tank, right? Right. You know, this guy thinks his piss smells like champagne.

They didn't know, right? That's what you and Pam created was a kind of whirlwind of questions and excitement. And what, Pam worked out, the less you turned up, the bigger the buzz. In a way, I couldn't take any of the opportunities that were being presented to me because it would ruin the mystique. Yeah. And then eventually we run out of meetings because people are like, well, he just doesn't accept anything. More after this.

Hello, I hope you're enjoying this episode. I enjoyed making this one immensely. Now, I'm just going to talk to you for a minute about supporting this show. I know it's kind of annoying, but the model we have is that we do this only once a year. So you don't spend the whole year asking for money. We just consolidate it all into one couple of weeks. And that's what we're doing at the moment. The show's free.

It'll always be free. You, of course, don't have to pay to listen to it. But think of it like tipping your waiter in a cafe. You, of course, don't have to pay. But if you love the show, if you've been enjoying it for years, maybe. why not chip in $5 a month? That's £3.60, I think, if you're in Britain. It's less than a nice coffee, and it makes a huge difference to this show,

getting studio time, paying contributors, and giving me the time to work on it. So your support ensures the future of this show. So thanks for listening to this. Back to Jumanji, CWS. Or maybe why not pause the podcast, go to maximum fund.org forward slash beef join and sign up. All right, thank you. Bye. So, Shawshank. You are offered Shawshank.

And I believe the deal was a unique, any role he wants. Yeah. You could have taken any role in Shorchard. And they'd have let me double up. They'd have let you double up. They had a prosthetics guy flown in from Nottingham. Yeah. Best in the world at that stuff at that time.

Best in the world at that. I mean, at that point, Nottingham was a mecca. But you said no. Yeah. But this is the thing which always, I find extraordinary about your story is they wouldn't take no for an answer. No. And they asked you again. That's right.

And you said no. You said no again. They then deployed a team of people to come to your home. You were living in the outskirts of the switch at the time. That's right. It was a special forces unit. It was the only case of entertainment industry, extraordinary rendition that happened. But I was taken to a black site to be persuaded in inverted commas.

So they take you to a black site. Yeah. Right? You don't know what it is. It might be. it might be the stockroom of a butcher's, it might be the stockroom of a greengrocers. Yeah, I was in a Chinook.

I knew that because I could hear both engines, and I was in there for a number of hours before landing. Yeah, Chinook, of course, has two engines, front and rear. That's my understanding. So they pull the burlap sack off your head. That's right. And in front of you, you can see two people standing, and they've got burlap sacks on their heads as well.

Yes, but with holes in them for the eyes. With eye holes. Yeah. A luxury, which was not extended. extended to you? No, because I was being kidnapped. Because you were the one being kidnapped, and it's very clear that everyone knows their role in that situation. Yeah, very much. Yeah, everyone knew their place in the hierarchy.

Yeah. One of them pulls the bell-up sack off her own head. It's Susan Sarandon. Is that right? She starts spitting on your torso. Tell me about that. Yeah, she just carried on spitting on my torso, and she didn't really say anything. Well, because they're trying to break you down, because they desperately want you to do this movie, so they're trying to break you down. They know you won't say yes. Yeah. They're trying to completely break you down and humiliate you as an actor.

Yeah. Which is why Morgan Freeman pulls the burlap sack off his head. He's got a little punch and Judy set, hasn't he? Yeah. And he was pretending that one of them was me and the other one was my father. Yeah. Spanking you. And it was all very mind games. Yeah.

And I didn't, yeah, I mean, they didn't have to take me all that way to do that. But I guess that was their choice. By the end of it, you're hunched over, you're crying, you're covered in Susan Sarrondon's spit. Yeah. I was begging Susan Saran to stop. She's incredible at dead arms. I was getting dead arm after dead arm. Yeah, on the same arm as well.

It was the same arm. It was absolutely wrecked. There comes a point where every extra dead arm adds a two-day recovery period. Yeah. So you know that almost the whole rest of the year, your arm's going to be dead by the end of that session. But it was hard because I admire her work so much. She's a fantastic actor. Well, of course, you would have.

acted alongside her in Thelma and Louise, had you not turn down the role of Thelma? That's right. Yeah, I turned that one down as well. And it ended up being a very different film, different themes, really. But I didn't break, I mean, I did break mentally and told them that I would do anything they wanted. So they keep asking you again and again and again, and eventually you say yes. Yes. You cave. I do cave, yeah, because I'd been kidnapped and tortured. I thought it was the polite thing to do because they'd gone to so much effort. Yeah.

They agreed to pay you a world record fee of $5 billion. That's right. In the 90s. In the 90s, which is a heck of a lot of money. Yeah. You agree to play the role of... Everyone. Of everyone.

On the day of filming, they come into your Winnebago. You appear to be satin and a chair facing the window. They say, Mr. Mushroom, it's time to film. That's right. and they turn the chair around it's a mannequin made of patte made of patte

and that was from my old I mean I don't know if you know about my story about I used to do a lot of meat puppetry so I was able to very quickly knock together a patte man and that was and the only thing

the only way to tell the difference between that that patte man and you was of course the black olive nipples that's right they were eventually eaten by Tim Robbins, I understand, who was able to step in at the very last minute. And of course, the meges sausage penis.

Yes, which perhaps the most delicious part of the whole thing. And at the time, I thought that was the best thing for my career. Yeah. Well, in a way, I feel you've almost answered the next question that comes with this format. But I will ask you anyway, we've established that you could. have been in the film Jimi but would you have been in the film Jimi

well at the time I would have been sticking to the plan right I would have I would have said no I mean looking back it's

probably one of the most important films of the 20th century and that is something that I would have loved to have been a part of something that changes the landscape like that is just it's, they're once in a lifetime, those opportunities.

Yes, apart from the sequels, the two or three sequels, but yeah, yes. Right, the remakes, yeah, of course, but, I mean, the original, the way that it, I mean, what they did, what they managed to do with the animals. I don't know how they managed to get, you know, the animals to do what they did. It's a complete mystery. And of course, of course, you know, we could do a whole side podcast about the curse of Jimonji. Right. But of course, everyone involved in the effects around those animals was found dead, asphyxiated under a huge pile of dung.

Right. The dung appropriate to the animal they'd worked on. So that's the curse of Jumanji that's... Gosh, life-imitating art. So, yes, so to bring it back to the question, with the benefit of hindsight, would you have been in Jumanji? if I'd never met Pam Croydon if I'd never been on her books

and if we'd never come up with that strategy It's a massive if That's one of the biggest ifs It's one of the biggest ifs I've ever seen Fucking massive that is because I'm visualising it That's a $5 billion if That yeah And I think that

Given the importance of the film And The effect that it's had on on everyone in the world, I think that I, I think that if I could have my time again, I would. I would do Jumanji.

But of course, within that context, you obviously wouldn't actually have done it there, would you? No, no. No, at the time I wouldn't have. Now looking back, I... Well, you wouldn't have,

would you? No, no, no, I wouldn't have either. But you would? If there was a redo, yes. Then I would. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Jamangy CWS CWS It's a wood So you could have done it You would have done it retrospectively Had Pancroydon not existed

If everything had been different If everything had been different You would have done it But now a trickier question A subtler question Should You have done it Philip mushroom

Should you have been in the film Jumanji What do you mean? Should You have been in Jamanji, Philip. Should. Well, that's a really tricky question.

You could have done it. The diary was free. Should? Yeah, I don't know when I... You would have done it. Had Pam Croydon not existed? But should you have done it? Should you have been in Jumanji? I want to live my life without regrets. Good. That's how I want to live. Yes.

Why should you? why should you have regrets? Billions of pounds thrown down the toilet lunch with Bill Pullman everything could have been different Of course I should have done it I should have done it

I should have done all of the jobs You think you should have been in Jumanji I should have been in Jumanji I should have been in Jumanji I should have been in Jamanji I should have been in Titanic I should have been in Titanic I should have been in Titanic

that's not the podcast I should have been Should you have been should you have been in Jumanji I should have been I should have lived a different life I should have been in Jumanji.

You made of patte in a Winnebago. Should you have done that? Looking back, I regret the patte man. I regret tricking everyone on the Shoreshack redemption with Patee Man. I shouldn't have made a patte man and tricked everyone.

Should you have been in Jumanji? I should have been in Jumanji? Should you have been in Jamanji? Yes. Should you, though? Tim Robbins got so ill after eating that paté. There was a parasite in it.

I mean, you can't even, You can't see parasites a lot of the time. How am I to know that there's a parasite in it? Why the hell do you need to dance to Tim Robbins' tune? Tin Robbins can puke patale over his legs. What difference does that make to Philip Mushroom? I just regret the decisions. Why?

I regret the pain it's caused and I regret that my life's in the absolute... Why do you think you can control pain, Philip? Why do you regret pain? You don't control pain Should you have been in Jamangy Yes, I should have been Should you have been in Jamangy Yes, I should have been in Jamangy

Should you have been in Jamangy? I thought he said, yeah You didn't invent patte Did you invent patte? Did you invent patte? No So why the hell can't you make yourself out of patte and shove it down

Tim Robbins' neck Make him eat the paté? I'm sorry, I'm losing Why do you make them all eat your patte? Why the hell do you have to be in Jamangy? I'm losing the thread a bit of what you're talking about. You don't get mushrooms in a patte unless you're Brittany. I beg to differ.

You can get mushrooms in a patte. You can get mushroom patte. It's literally called mushroom patte. Good, Philip. This is what we need to work with. Yes, you can put mushrooms in a patte. You can control meat. You can dress meat.

You can make people eat your meat. Whose meat is chimanji? Is that your meat? Make your own meat. Take your own meat. own meat. I'm so confused. You're meat, aren't you? You're cold mushroom, but you're meat. You're very much meat. You're meaty. I spent an hour talking to you and you're meaty. You've got your own meat. It's not Tim Robbins's meat. It's not Susan Sandham's meat. It's not Morgan Freeman's

meat. It's your meat. Should you have been in Jamangie? Yes. Yeah, I've already said yes. Should you have been in Jamangy? Yes, yes, I should have been in Jamangie. I should have done it all. Philip mushroom Look at me in the face Not the eyes The face Yeah The face

Yeah sorry Yeah there it is Think about your life Oh God Think about all of it Think about when you were born A little meaty baby Oh God

A little smelly little meaty baby Oh please Oh Slap on the body Crying That's all you are, isn't it? That's all we all are, aren't we? We're little meaty babies. Yes.

Should you have been in Jumanji? Yes. Yes, I should have been. But that's not the right answer, is it? Is it, Philip? No. Exactly. What's the right answer? No, no, I shouldn't have been in Jimangy. We've got that. Thank you. This has been surprisingly life-changing.

Shouldn't have been a Jumanji. Jumanji! Munchanji! Jamanja Nondh! Jamanjah! Ta J-Mondjee! J-Mongji! C-W-S. We've got there. Be free. Look, it's... It's bitter medicine on this podcast. It's bitter, bitter medicine. but I'll get it down here. Yeah.

I'll retch it up and swallow it back down. Yeah. And it's a hell of a big spoon and you've got quite a small mouth. I don't really understand what's happened here today. And I'm not even sure whether I'll store any long-term memories about it. But I'm grateful for whatever this experience has been. Well, what you'll find is you'll now enter a kind of rebuilding phase where you rebuild your sense of self from the ground up.

What can be very nice for people, though, what can be very helpful is the sense of being anchored in a routine. So the Jimankini, the whole drop-off, opening the new one, wearing it through, opening the metal bin, putting it in, getting back into that rhythm is something that you can help you sort of ground yourself and you can build yourself back almost around the Jimankini. Thank you. I'll be sure to do that. Well, thank you, Philip.

for coming in and good luck rebuilding yourself. Thanks so much. And to you, the listener. Hope you enjoyed that. Join us next week when I'll be giving the CWS treatment to Bono's cousin. Thank you to Henry Packer and to Daniel Rigby. And as I mentioned at the beginning of the show, and as I mentioned at the beginning of the show for MaxFund members,

there is a bonus content version of this episode, a completely unedited studio session. so you can listen to the whole thing. Here's a little clip. And in front of you there's five people. All of them have burlap sacs on their head. One of them pulls the burlap sack off her own head. It's Susan Sarendon. It's Susan Sarendon.

She starts spitting on your torso. Tell me about that. She just carried on spitting. To be able to listen to that, go to maximum fun.org forward slash beef join. And sorry to go on about it, but do consider going to maximum fund.

org forward slash beef join to support this show. This is the last I'll say about it for another year. So indulge me this once. Go to maximum fun.org ford slash beef join. Thank you to those of you who've already done that. And thank you, all of you for listening. Beef out. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artists-owned shows. Supported directly by you.